Out of Choices - Chapter 8
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 8: Monster (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape, 4. Defeat, 5. Triumph, 6. Discernment, 7. Attachments)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 3,921
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
8. Monster
From Edward's POV...
It was of no surprise to me that Alice had visions of me killing Bella again, nor was it a surprise that she was madly flipping through the visions in her head, trying to make sense of how the clearer, more defined ones fit with the cloudy, indistinct ones and how they all tied back to me and the faceless dead girl in my arms. She was concerned about me. I was concerned too. And as she climbed into the backseat of the car she was calling to me in the most sympathetic tone. I did not answer her.
I had debated skipping biology altogether today to avoid seeing Bella. All through lunch I made a list of reasons why going to class made no sense. I was feeling very weak, both in spirit and in will, and that could make being around Bella even more dangerous than normal. In the end I decided that I deserved to feel the pain of my thirst along with all of the guilt and shame I was already lost in. It was the least I deserved.
And I did feel the pain. From the moment she entered the classroom I was smothered by it. I could not find it in me to be angry with Bella for interrupting my life. Instead, my anger was directed inwards at the monster I didn’t even know I was capable of being, the one who would consider using the loss of a parent against a girl who was alone in this world just to deny my natural instincts and avoid admitting what I really was. I was just trading one monster for another monster. Reminding myself it was for the greater good, to protect my family and spare Bella’s life did me no good. I deserved to burn with all of the disgrace and disgust of someone who had committed the transgression because just considering it was reprehensible.
The shame was so great I couldn’t look at her. I folded in on myself and let myself drown in self-condemnation and contempt. And when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse, she blushed. Up until that point I had been so consumed by my emotions that my thirst hadn’t even been a factor. The heat that came off of her cheeks was like a warm glow that called to me through my thick fog of censure. The monster inside me roared savagely and the notion that I might be good or humane became laughable. I was nothing but a monster. My head turned to her flushed cheeks against my will, and as if to taunt me, her cheeks became even more red. I could not tear my eyes away from her beautiful ruby cheeks and the rhythmic beat of her pulse lying so shallowly beneath the pale skin of her neck. Every instinct I had refocused on the sweetness of her blood and my body prepared to strike. She looked at me with worry and I was so completely undeserving of any goodwill from her that it made me feel sick. I could not trust myself to move let alone get up and leave. If I allowed myself even an inch it would mean her death. So I sat as still as a stone and let myself burn and waited as each agonizing second ticked away until the bell finally rang.
There was no sense of accomplishment when she left the classroom, no feeling of relief that she was still alive or euphoria that I had contained the monster. I felt hollow and defeated. As I watched her walk out the door I relinquished all hope that I would succeed at keeping her alive.
Alice had found me after biology, begging me to let her help me.
“You can’t help me,” I whispered derisively, hoping my tone conveyed the end of the particular topic of conversation.
‘Edward! Please let me in. I’ve never seen you so upset and it’s breaking my heart.’
I shook my head.
“Edward!” It was very rare for Alice to address me with such emotion aloud. She was obviously very worried and with good reason given the flood of murderous visions that were flipping in her head. She knew me better than anyone and could see that I was completely withdrawn.
“You can’t help Alice. I have to figure it out on my own.”
“Can’t you just tell me what happened between yesterday and today that’s made you so despondent?”
“I’m fine Alice.” I knew my lie was completely unconvincing. If Alice were capable of crying she would have had tears in her eyes. I knew that look. And I hated myself for keeping this from her but I couldn’t see any other way. I also knew that she was not going to drop this.
Alice was practically begging me to talk to her by the time I pulled the car into the garage. I knew she would follow me no matter where I went so I knew the run I had planned was not going to happen and surrendered to her demands. I headed around the back of the house to wait for her, settling on to one of the large boulders that lined the edge of the river, knowing she would only be a few steps behind me.
“Edward please let me help you.” Her normally bubbly voice was barely a whisper. “I can see the pieces Edward but I can’t put them together. I don’t understand. There are too many small decisions yet to be made and it’s keeping the bigger pieces from falling into place.”
I was glad she couldn’t see the situation clearly, happy for the small bit of privacy and for the fact that Bella’s death was not yet set in stone. It meant there was still hope, something I couldn’t feel at that moment, something that I had given up on after this afternoon.
“I’m sorry I’m hurting you.” The words came out in an agonized murmur as I struggled to push the words out of my mouth. I hated hurting her Alice. Besides being my best friend, I knew she felt my pain more deeply than anyone else because of the visions. She would never understand just how horrible I felt to be putting this pain on her shoulders.
“Edward you don’t have to be ashamed. You’re not the despicable monster that you see yourself as. We’ve all had mistakes in our past.” Her words were of no comfort to me. They only made me feel impossibly guiltier for allowing her to believe that my sorrow was a result of the visions she had rather than what it was actually about.
I’d never felt so lost in my life. Every thought centred on Bella. With the guilt I felt you’d have thought I had already destroyed the girl’s world, not just simply considered it. The information I had gained on her mother taunted me. Logic told me to just use it already and gain the advantage. It was a life or death situation. My entire livelihood and that of my family was on the line. Why did it matter if I was cruel? It shouldn’t matter. I could have been that cruel to someone else, say Mike Newton for instance. I’d have gladly sent him into a bottomless pit of pain. But for some reason I had apprehensions about doing it to this one girl, the one girl I needed to control. I could not for the life of me understand why I was struggling with using the information about her mother’s death against her the way I was. Moral repugnancy aside, it made no sense to me why I couldn’t do what had to be done.
“You’re too kind to me Alice. You give me credit when I don’t deserve it. After all of this time you’d think I would have perfected my control better.”
“Did something happen Edward?” Her eyes held only concern. Her visions had already provided her with just how close I had come to killing Bella that afternoon.
“Nothing specific.”
“Then why have the visions returned?” she pressed.
“I don’t know,” I lied.
She knew me better than that. “Edward, I’m not stupid.”
“She blushed,” I whispered with my head hung in shame.
“Oh,” she gasped, smoothing her face out quickly, trying to hide her surprise with a look of concern. “Are you sure that’s all?”
“Quite sure,” I mumbled, remember the agony of class today.
“You didn’t make some decision, maybe something small and discreet?”
“Not really Alice.” While I was sure that my reaction to Bella’s blush had triggered the visions, I considered whether or not my trip to the school last night could have been a catalyst. I doubted that my indecision about using the information I had dug up would have led to the recurring visions of Bella’s death.
“Not even something small?” she prodded.
The direction of my thoughts for most of the night had been towards trying to find a way around using the information I had gained about Bella’s mother against Bella. For whatever reason I could not bear to hurt the girl through her mother. It was like some sacred ground that I could not defile. It was her lifeline. And even though destroying that lifeline was within my power I could not exercise it. Even entertaining the idea was painful to me.
“I haven’t made a single decision about the situation Alice.” I tired to sound reassuring.
“I think you’re wrong Edward.” She announced it like it was an already established fact.
“Wrong?” I questioned sarcastically. “I think I’d know if I made a decision.” I hated it when Alice acted like she knew everything. Her visions were conveniently certain when she wanted to be right rather than indeterminate and irresolute as we both knew them to be.
“Think about it Edward. My visions of you killing that girl wouldn’t have popped back into my head if you hadn’t decided something about her. Maybe it’s not even directly related to her, maybe it’s just something remotely connected to her.”
“Maybe she’s made some decision about me?” I suggested with a laugh. Bella had proved to be completely impervious and indifferent to me. There would be no reason for her to ever think about me.
“Maybe,” Alice allowed, “but there’s more to it. You’re still keeping something from me.”
We both knew she was right but I admitted nothing.
Alice flipped through the visions again and I winced. They were becoming clearer. Could my subconscious have already decided me incapable of using Bella’s mother against her? It seemed inevitable that without some way to control my interactions with Bella it was only a matter of time before I would end up taking her life. Without using her mother I was out of options. The monster inside me gloated smugly as the realization settled in. I closed my eyes, too ashamed to look Alice in the face as the self-loathing began to seep into my consciousness from the dark corners of my mind.
Alice laid her hand on my arm lightly. “Edward, it’s ok,” she soothed.
“No it’s not,” I lamented. “This girl shouldn’t have to die for what I am.”
“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for Edward. You’ll find a way to stop this from happening. Let’s go talk to Carlisle. Between the three of us we’ll come up with something. And if we can’t we’ll get everyone working on it. We’re a family Edward. And families stick together. If we have to move to prevent this then we’ll move. I know Rose will be angry but…”
I tuned Alice out as she made contingency plans to protect my family. I had been selfishly ignoring my family lately, desperately trying to hide my secret from them and disregarding what my weakness for Bella’s blood would cost them if I failed at protecting her. My situation was acridly contradictory to Bella’s. She had no one to tell her secrets to with her mother gone. Well not no one. She had the uncle she lived with although I doubted he would have been privy to the inner workings of Bella’s mind. But wait…she had an uncle. Maybe he didn’t know her secrets but certainly he must know something of Bella from taking her in? He may not be the perfect solution I had been seeking but at least he offered me an alternative to Bella’s death. Hope bloomed.
Alice pulled me from my reverie by shaking my shoulders. I raised my head to look at her, meeting her eyes.
“You found a way didn’t you?” she smiled, and then let me into her visions again. There were none of Bella’s dead body in my arms this time, only me smiling at someone, Bella across the quad with her back to me, me laughing with my head tipped back, nothing concrete or particularly telling, only disconnected images that would mean nothing to anyone but me, not even Alice. Somehow I would be ok and for some unexplainable reason, Bella would be ok too. It had to be connected to the uncle. The answer had to lie with him. I smiled at Alice, the first real smile that day.
“I’ve got to go Alice. I’ve got something I have to do.” I didn’t wait for her agreement, gone from my spot in the blink of an eye, on my way to find Bella’s uncle.
~~~~~
I stood in the forest that surrounded Bella’s house. Her house was on the fringe of the town’s limits, surrounded by trees on three sides. It was careless of me to allow myself to be so close to her while we were this isolated but there was no other way to familiarize myself with Bella’s uncle’s mental voice. All was quiet in the house at the moment.
Bella’s uncle was not at home. Bella was alone in the house, preparing something in the kitchen, so I assumed he would be returning home shortly. I listened intently to the noises coming from the house. She hummed a tune I recognized as she worked, although I could clearly hear it coming from her earbuds as well. I recoiled when I realized just how loud she must have had her iPod turned up for me to hear it so clearly through earbuds pressed into her ear canals. The girl would be deaf by twenty if she kept that up. But I now knew she liked music and that was something I didn’t know about her before. Not that there was any way to tease her about music or more importantly the volume at which she listened to it without admitting my own improper behaviour. I could see the whole conversation in my head. I would make fun of her, accuse of her of a hearing loss as the reason behind the extreme volume of her music. ‘I could hear it all the way from the forest behind your house where I was hiding waiting for your uncle to come home so I could read his mind.’ Yes that would go over so well. I definitely could not tease her about music.
I heard the sound of a truck nearing, her uncle I assumed. I recognized the sound of the gravel of the driveway crackling and popping under the tires and it confirmed my assumption. He was thinking about Bella already, wondering how her day was and hoping she would be in the same good mood she was in the day before when she got home from school. I felt at odds with his thoughts until I realized that was the same day I had lost our button-pushing match. She was happy that she had beaten me obviously. I smirked. Even if I had been completely ineffective at controlling her in class it made me feel better to know that at least I had some effect on her, that she couldn’t completely block me out, even if it was at the expense of my pride.
I listened to their conversation trying to focus on her uncle’s thoughts.
“Bells?”
“In here,” she called from the kitchen
“What’s for dinner?” He was taking in the smells of the house trying to guess at what Bella was cooking.
“Enchilada casserole.”
“Smells good. How’d your thing after school go?” He was apprehensive when he asked the question, worried about pushing her too far.
“Cancelled. She was busy, but don’t worry. We’ve already rescheduled tomorrow.”
“I’m not worried. I know you’ll do what’s right.” He was lying to her, quite profoundly actually. The tenor of his thoughts was definitely worried and his thoughts were not at all clear. Threads of doubt and fear were woven through all the concern. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe that she’d do the right thing, more that he was afraid of what it might say about her recovery if she wasn’t able to do the right thing - worried that it meant she was still very lost and confused over losing her mother. I began to wonder about the biological relationship between them. He cared very deeply for her, loved her like she was his own daughter. It was quite touching actually the degree to which he cared about Bella. He must have been very close with her even while her mother had been alive.
“Sure Charlie. That look on your face just screams your confidence in my choices.” Bella could obviously sense the same thing I could hear in his thoughts. She was very perceptive. At least I wasn’t the only one who had difficulty masking my mistakes around her.
“Give me a little goddamn credit Bella. I haven’t said a single thing about anything you’ve said or done. I trust you kid. You’re a chip of the old block and you know how much I trusted your Mom.” I studied his thoughts carefully but could not get a feel for any of the ways that Bella might be like her mother. Charlie’s thoughts about her mother were deep and overflowing with love. I was suddenly confused because this man loved Bella’s mother like a wife, perhaps even more so. I had assumed he was Bella’s maternal uncle but perhaps he was a paternal uncle. I began to wonder about the uncle’s relationship with Bella’s mother. If they had been in a relationship at some point, he had never gotten over it. It was clear to me he had long ago given his heart away to her.
“Sorry.”
My hopes that Bella would speak more than the one-word answers she gave to me when she spoke with Charlie were quickly falling. I tried again to refocus my thoughts and get into Bella’s brain just to get a peek at the emotions and thoughts behind her apology but there was nothing. Only silence.
“It’s fine.” And he was fine, amazingly unaffected by her sarcastic short answers and pseudo-belligerent tone. He obviously understood her a great deal more than I did. I was taken back by her lack of answer and her tone. I would have pressed her to get at the truth that I sensed she was hiding. Obviously that was part of the problem between her and I. I wanted the whole truth and she wanted to give only bare bones answers that scraped the truth.
“Supper’s ready.”
I could hear feet shuffling and chairs dragging across linoleum. They ate in silence for the most part although it seemed quite companionable. Charlie’s thoughts drifted as he ate, over the events of the day at work, a checklist of errands to run on his day off, a favourite fishing spot that he hoped to visit on the weekend. There was little to nothing that I could use to gain any new insight into Bella. I was contemplating leaving when I heard his thoughts shift back to her.
“Any homework tonight?” he wondered apprehensively. He was definitely always concerned with allowing Bella some privacy while at the same time making sure she was ok.
“A little.”
“School’s going ok?” He was fishing for information from her, hoping she’d give him some news about how she was doing without him having to pry too hard to get it.
“Yeah.”
“The kids are being nice to you?” His mental tone was completely patient, still hoping she would give him some information even if only by accident. He was much calmer than I would have been.
Bella snorted and I imagined her rolling her eyes at him. “They’ve rolled the red fucking carpet out for me Charlie.”
I heard him snicker. “Is someone giving you a hard time?” His thoughts were almost mocking our classmates. He had no worries at all about Bella’s ability to handle herself with the other kids at school and was quite confident that she could deal with anything that came her way.
“Nah,” she assured him, although I could sense a hesitation in her tone.
“You sure about that Bells?” Charlie pressed. He still wasn’t worried. In fact he was almost amused anticipating the story.
“There’s one guy who keeps pushing my buttons trying to irritate me. He walks around like he’s God’s gift to the Earth but nothing I can’t handle.” Was she talking about me?
“I’m sure you’ll hand him his ass back before too long.”
“I already have.” Yes, she was most certainly talking about me. And then she laughed. It was a light resonating giggle that made me realize that I hadn’t heard her laugh genuinely until that moment. She was comfortable with Charlie, more comfortable than I’d ever seen her at school. The defensive walls that she hid behind at school to protect herself from everything and everybody were down. There was still her familiar snarkiness and dark humour but it was tempered with comfort and light-heartedness too. It made me happy to know that she didn’t live in misery every moment of the day. It quickly turned to upset though, because it shouldn’t matter to me that she had happiness in her day. Why did it matter? And she was talking about me to him. That pleased me too, and it shouldn’t have. It should be inconsequential whether or not she thought about me or spoke of me. I couldn’t help but be surprised though. I was so sure she had never given me a second thought. I tried to convince myself that the pleasure in my newly acquired knowledge stemmed from the fact that I was happy to have had some effect on her but I knew that wasn’t the reason. There was something more, something buried deep down inside me that I was too afraid to unearth at that moment. I was filled with unease. I knew it was time for me to leave.
My feet carried me away but I could feel an unfamiliar pull tugging at me from Bella’s direction. I was breaking my own rule, allowing her to become someone to me. Moreover I wasn’t even upset about it. Something was definitely wrong with me, insanity or dementia or some such mental breakdown. I needed to find some peace, even if only for a few moments. I had been thinking about her for twenty-four hours straight and urgently needed to break the cycle of self inflicted torture. I let all thoughts dissolve and surrendered into the high of my speed. It was the only thing that could save me now.
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Chapter 8: Monster (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape, 4. Defeat, 5. Triumph, 6. Discernment, 7. Attachments)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 3,921
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
8. Monster
From Edward's POV...
It was of no surprise to me that Alice had visions of me killing Bella again, nor was it a surprise that she was madly flipping through the visions in her head, trying to make sense of how the clearer, more defined ones fit with the cloudy, indistinct ones and how they all tied back to me and the faceless dead girl in my arms. She was concerned about me. I was concerned too. And as she climbed into the backseat of the car she was calling to me in the most sympathetic tone. I did not answer her.
I had debated skipping biology altogether today to avoid seeing Bella. All through lunch I made a list of reasons why going to class made no sense. I was feeling very weak, both in spirit and in will, and that could make being around Bella even more dangerous than normal. In the end I decided that I deserved to feel the pain of my thirst along with all of the guilt and shame I was already lost in. It was the least I deserved.
And I did feel the pain. From the moment she entered the classroom I was smothered by it. I could not find it in me to be angry with Bella for interrupting my life. Instead, my anger was directed inwards at the monster I didn’t even know I was capable of being, the one who would consider using the loss of a parent against a girl who was alone in this world just to deny my natural instincts and avoid admitting what I really was. I was just trading one monster for another monster. Reminding myself it was for the greater good, to protect my family and spare Bella’s life did me no good. I deserved to burn with all of the disgrace and disgust of someone who had committed the transgression because just considering it was reprehensible.
The shame was so great I couldn’t look at her. I folded in on myself and let myself drown in self-condemnation and contempt. And when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse, she blushed. Up until that point I had been so consumed by my emotions that my thirst hadn’t even been a factor. The heat that came off of her cheeks was like a warm glow that called to me through my thick fog of censure. The monster inside me roared savagely and the notion that I might be good or humane became laughable. I was nothing but a monster. My head turned to her flushed cheeks against my will, and as if to taunt me, her cheeks became even more red. I could not tear my eyes away from her beautiful ruby cheeks and the rhythmic beat of her pulse lying so shallowly beneath the pale skin of her neck. Every instinct I had refocused on the sweetness of her blood and my body prepared to strike. She looked at me with worry and I was so completely undeserving of any goodwill from her that it made me feel sick. I could not trust myself to move let alone get up and leave. If I allowed myself even an inch it would mean her death. So I sat as still as a stone and let myself burn and waited as each agonizing second ticked away until the bell finally rang.
There was no sense of accomplishment when she left the classroom, no feeling of relief that she was still alive or euphoria that I had contained the monster. I felt hollow and defeated. As I watched her walk out the door I relinquished all hope that I would succeed at keeping her alive.
Alice had found me after biology, begging me to let her help me.
“You can’t help me,” I whispered derisively, hoping my tone conveyed the end of the particular topic of conversation.
‘Edward! Please let me in. I’ve never seen you so upset and it’s breaking my heart.’
I shook my head.
“Edward!” It was very rare for Alice to address me with such emotion aloud. She was obviously very worried and with good reason given the flood of murderous visions that were flipping in her head. She knew me better than anyone and could see that I was completely withdrawn.
“You can’t help Alice. I have to figure it out on my own.”
“Can’t you just tell me what happened between yesterday and today that’s made you so despondent?”
“I’m fine Alice.” I knew my lie was completely unconvincing. If Alice were capable of crying she would have had tears in her eyes. I knew that look. And I hated myself for keeping this from her but I couldn’t see any other way. I also knew that she was not going to drop this.
Alice was practically begging me to talk to her by the time I pulled the car into the garage. I knew she would follow me no matter where I went so I knew the run I had planned was not going to happen and surrendered to her demands. I headed around the back of the house to wait for her, settling on to one of the large boulders that lined the edge of the river, knowing she would only be a few steps behind me.
“Edward please let me help you.” Her normally bubbly voice was barely a whisper. “I can see the pieces Edward but I can’t put them together. I don’t understand. There are too many small decisions yet to be made and it’s keeping the bigger pieces from falling into place.”
I was glad she couldn’t see the situation clearly, happy for the small bit of privacy and for the fact that Bella’s death was not yet set in stone. It meant there was still hope, something I couldn’t feel at that moment, something that I had given up on after this afternoon.
“I’m sorry I’m hurting you.” The words came out in an agonized murmur as I struggled to push the words out of my mouth. I hated hurting her Alice. Besides being my best friend, I knew she felt my pain more deeply than anyone else because of the visions. She would never understand just how horrible I felt to be putting this pain on her shoulders.
“Edward you don’t have to be ashamed. You’re not the despicable monster that you see yourself as. We’ve all had mistakes in our past.” Her words were of no comfort to me. They only made me feel impossibly guiltier for allowing her to believe that my sorrow was a result of the visions she had rather than what it was actually about.
I’d never felt so lost in my life. Every thought centred on Bella. With the guilt I felt you’d have thought I had already destroyed the girl’s world, not just simply considered it. The information I had gained on her mother taunted me. Logic told me to just use it already and gain the advantage. It was a life or death situation. My entire livelihood and that of my family was on the line. Why did it matter if I was cruel? It shouldn’t matter. I could have been that cruel to someone else, say Mike Newton for instance. I’d have gladly sent him into a bottomless pit of pain. But for some reason I had apprehensions about doing it to this one girl, the one girl I needed to control. I could not for the life of me understand why I was struggling with using the information about her mother’s death against her the way I was. Moral repugnancy aside, it made no sense to me why I couldn’t do what had to be done.
“You’re too kind to me Alice. You give me credit when I don’t deserve it. After all of this time you’d think I would have perfected my control better.”
“Did something happen Edward?” Her eyes held only concern. Her visions had already provided her with just how close I had come to killing Bella that afternoon.
“Nothing specific.”
“Then why have the visions returned?” she pressed.
“I don’t know,” I lied.
She knew me better than that. “Edward, I’m not stupid.”
“She blushed,” I whispered with my head hung in shame.
“Oh,” she gasped, smoothing her face out quickly, trying to hide her surprise with a look of concern. “Are you sure that’s all?”
“Quite sure,” I mumbled, remember the agony of class today.
“You didn’t make some decision, maybe something small and discreet?”
“Not really Alice.” While I was sure that my reaction to Bella’s blush had triggered the visions, I considered whether or not my trip to the school last night could have been a catalyst. I doubted that my indecision about using the information I had dug up would have led to the recurring visions of Bella’s death.
“Not even something small?” she prodded.
The direction of my thoughts for most of the night had been towards trying to find a way around using the information I had gained about Bella’s mother against Bella. For whatever reason I could not bear to hurt the girl through her mother. It was like some sacred ground that I could not defile. It was her lifeline. And even though destroying that lifeline was within my power I could not exercise it. Even entertaining the idea was painful to me.
“I haven’t made a single decision about the situation Alice.” I tired to sound reassuring.
“I think you’re wrong Edward.” She announced it like it was an already established fact.
“Wrong?” I questioned sarcastically. “I think I’d know if I made a decision.” I hated it when Alice acted like she knew everything. Her visions were conveniently certain when she wanted to be right rather than indeterminate and irresolute as we both knew them to be.
“Think about it Edward. My visions of you killing that girl wouldn’t have popped back into my head if you hadn’t decided something about her. Maybe it’s not even directly related to her, maybe it’s just something remotely connected to her.”
“Maybe she’s made some decision about me?” I suggested with a laugh. Bella had proved to be completely impervious and indifferent to me. There would be no reason for her to ever think about me.
“Maybe,” Alice allowed, “but there’s more to it. You’re still keeping something from me.”
We both knew she was right but I admitted nothing.
Alice flipped through the visions again and I winced. They were becoming clearer. Could my subconscious have already decided me incapable of using Bella’s mother against her? It seemed inevitable that without some way to control my interactions with Bella it was only a matter of time before I would end up taking her life. Without using her mother I was out of options. The monster inside me gloated smugly as the realization settled in. I closed my eyes, too ashamed to look Alice in the face as the self-loathing began to seep into my consciousness from the dark corners of my mind.
Alice laid her hand on my arm lightly. “Edward, it’s ok,” she soothed.
“No it’s not,” I lamented. “This girl shouldn’t have to die for what I am.”
“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for Edward. You’ll find a way to stop this from happening. Let’s go talk to Carlisle. Between the three of us we’ll come up with something. And if we can’t we’ll get everyone working on it. We’re a family Edward. And families stick together. If we have to move to prevent this then we’ll move. I know Rose will be angry but…”
I tuned Alice out as she made contingency plans to protect my family. I had been selfishly ignoring my family lately, desperately trying to hide my secret from them and disregarding what my weakness for Bella’s blood would cost them if I failed at protecting her. My situation was acridly contradictory to Bella’s. She had no one to tell her secrets to with her mother gone. Well not no one. She had the uncle she lived with although I doubted he would have been privy to the inner workings of Bella’s mind. But wait…she had an uncle. Maybe he didn’t know her secrets but certainly he must know something of Bella from taking her in? He may not be the perfect solution I had been seeking but at least he offered me an alternative to Bella’s death. Hope bloomed.
Alice pulled me from my reverie by shaking my shoulders. I raised my head to look at her, meeting her eyes.
“You found a way didn’t you?” she smiled, and then let me into her visions again. There were none of Bella’s dead body in my arms this time, only me smiling at someone, Bella across the quad with her back to me, me laughing with my head tipped back, nothing concrete or particularly telling, only disconnected images that would mean nothing to anyone but me, not even Alice. Somehow I would be ok and for some unexplainable reason, Bella would be ok too. It had to be connected to the uncle. The answer had to lie with him. I smiled at Alice, the first real smile that day.
“I’ve got to go Alice. I’ve got something I have to do.” I didn’t wait for her agreement, gone from my spot in the blink of an eye, on my way to find Bella’s uncle.
~~~~~
I stood in the forest that surrounded Bella’s house. Her house was on the fringe of the town’s limits, surrounded by trees on three sides. It was careless of me to allow myself to be so close to her while we were this isolated but there was no other way to familiarize myself with Bella’s uncle’s mental voice. All was quiet in the house at the moment.
Bella’s uncle was not at home. Bella was alone in the house, preparing something in the kitchen, so I assumed he would be returning home shortly. I listened intently to the noises coming from the house. She hummed a tune I recognized as she worked, although I could clearly hear it coming from her earbuds as well. I recoiled when I realized just how loud she must have had her iPod turned up for me to hear it so clearly through earbuds pressed into her ear canals. The girl would be deaf by twenty if she kept that up. But I now knew she liked music and that was something I didn’t know about her before. Not that there was any way to tease her about music or more importantly the volume at which she listened to it without admitting my own improper behaviour. I could see the whole conversation in my head. I would make fun of her, accuse of her of a hearing loss as the reason behind the extreme volume of her music. ‘I could hear it all the way from the forest behind your house where I was hiding waiting for your uncle to come home so I could read his mind.’ Yes that would go over so well. I definitely could not tease her about music.
I heard the sound of a truck nearing, her uncle I assumed. I recognized the sound of the gravel of the driveway crackling and popping under the tires and it confirmed my assumption. He was thinking about Bella already, wondering how her day was and hoping she would be in the same good mood she was in the day before when she got home from school. I felt at odds with his thoughts until I realized that was the same day I had lost our button-pushing match. She was happy that she had beaten me obviously. I smirked. Even if I had been completely ineffective at controlling her in class it made me feel better to know that at least I had some effect on her, that she couldn’t completely block me out, even if it was at the expense of my pride.
I listened to their conversation trying to focus on her uncle’s thoughts.
“Bells?”
“In here,” she called from the kitchen
“What’s for dinner?” He was taking in the smells of the house trying to guess at what Bella was cooking.
“Enchilada casserole.”
“Smells good. How’d your thing after school go?” He was apprehensive when he asked the question, worried about pushing her too far.
“Cancelled. She was busy, but don’t worry. We’ve already rescheduled tomorrow.”
“I’m not worried. I know you’ll do what’s right.” He was lying to her, quite profoundly actually. The tenor of his thoughts was definitely worried and his thoughts were not at all clear. Threads of doubt and fear were woven through all the concern. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe that she’d do the right thing, more that he was afraid of what it might say about her recovery if she wasn’t able to do the right thing - worried that it meant she was still very lost and confused over losing her mother. I began to wonder about the biological relationship between them. He cared very deeply for her, loved her like she was his own daughter. It was quite touching actually the degree to which he cared about Bella. He must have been very close with her even while her mother had been alive.
“Sure Charlie. That look on your face just screams your confidence in my choices.” Bella could obviously sense the same thing I could hear in his thoughts. She was very perceptive. At least I wasn’t the only one who had difficulty masking my mistakes around her.
“Give me a little goddamn credit Bella. I haven’t said a single thing about anything you’ve said or done. I trust you kid. You’re a chip of the old block and you know how much I trusted your Mom.” I studied his thoughts carefully but could not get a feel for any of the ways that Bella might be like her mother. Charlie’s thoughts about her mother were deep and overflowing with love. I was suddenly confused because this man loved Bella’s mother like a wife, perhaps even more so. I had assumed he was Bella’s maternal uncle but perhaps he was a paternal uncle. I began to wonder about the uncle’s relationship with Bella’s mother. If they had been in a relationship at some point, he had never gotten over it. It was clear to me he had long ago given his heart away to her.
“Sorry.”
My hopes that Bella would speak more than the one-word answers she gave to me when she spoke with Charlie were quickly falling. I tried again to refocus my thoughts and get into Bella’s brain just to get a peek at the emotions and thoughts behind her apology but there was nothing. Only silence.
“It’s fine.” And he was fine, amazingly unaffected by her sarcastic short answers and pseudo-belligerent tone. He obviously understood her a great deal more than I did. I was taken back by her lack of answer and her tone. I would have pressed her to get at the truth that I sensed she was hiding. Obviously that was part of the problem between her and I. I wanted the whole truth and she wanted to give only bare bones answers that scraped the truth.
“Supper’s ready.”
I could hear feet shuffling and chairs dragging across linoleum. They ate in silence for the most part although it seemed quite companionable. Charlie’s thoughts drifted as he ate, over the events of the day at work, a checklist of errands to run on his day off, a favourite fishing spot that he hoped to visit on the weekend. There was little to nothing that I could use to gain any new insight into Bella. I was contemplating leaving when I heard his thoughts shift back to her.
“Any homework tonight?” he wondered apprehensively. He was definitely always concerned with allowing Bella some privacy while at the same time making sure she was ok.
“A little.”
“School’s going ok?” He was fishing for information from her, hoping she’d give him some news about how she was doing without him having to pry too hard to get it.
“Yeah.”
“The kids are being nice to you?” His mental tone was completely patient, still hoping she would give him some information even if only by accident. He was much calmer than I would have been.
Bella snorted and I imagined her rolling her eyes at him. “They’ve rolled the red fucking carpet out for me Charlie.”
I heard him snicker. “Is someone giving you a hard time?” His thoughts were almost mocking our classmates. He had no worries at all about Bella’s ability to handle herself with the other kids at school and was quite confident that she could deal with anything that came her way.
“Nah,” she assured him, although I could sense a hesitation in her tone.
“You sure about that Bells?” Charlie pressed. He still wasn’t worried. In fact he was almost amused anticipating the story.
“There’s one guy who keeps pushing my buttons trying to irritate me. He walks around like he’s God’s gift to the Earth but nothing I can’t handle.” Was she talking about me?
“I’m sure you’ll hand him his ass back before too long.”
“I already have.” Yes, she was most certainly talking about me. And then she laughed. It was a light resonating giggle that made me realize that I hadn’t heard her laugh genuinely until that moment. She was comfortable with Charlie, more comfortable than I’d ever seen her at school. The defensive walls that she hid behind at school to protect herself from everything and everybody were down. There was still her familiar snarkiness and dark humour but it was tempered with comfort and light-heartedness too. It made me happy to know that she didn’t live in misery every moment of the day. It quickly turned to upset though, because it shouldn’t matter to me that she had happiness in her day. Why did it matter? And she was talking about me to him. That pleased me too, and it shouldn’t have. It should be inconsequential whether or not she thought about me or spoke of me. I couldn’t help but be surprised though. I was so sure she had never given me a second thought. I tried to convince myself that the pleasure in my newly acquired knowledge stemmed from the fact that I was happy to have had some effect on her but I knew that wasn’t the reason. There was something more, something buried deep down inside me that I was too afraid to unearth at that moment. I was filled with unease. I knew it was time for me to leave.
My feet carried me away but I could feel an unfamiliar pull tugging at me from Bella’s direction. I was breaking my own rule, allowing her to become someone to me. Moreover I wasn’t even upset about it. Something was definitely wrong with me, insanity or dementia or some such mental breakdown. I needed to find some peace, even if only for a few moments. I had been thinking about her for twenty-four hours straight and urgently needed to break the cycle of self inflicted torture. I let all thoughts dissolve and surrendered into the high of my speed. It was the only thing that could save me now.
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