Out of Choices - Chapter 14
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 14: Reminders (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 6,293
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Edward's POV...
14. Reminders
I fought needlessly with myself all weekend, warring over resisting checking on her and accepting that I would anyway. I wanted to know if she was okay, if she had thought about the events of Friday night. There was nothing but silence coming from the house on Saturday even though her truck was parked at the curb. On Sunday I heard her uncle speaking a lot, asking a multitude of questions which Bella ignored or stubbornly refused to answer. She made no mention of Friday night to him, not that I expected she would, but I was still disappointed. I was very impatient to see her again.
I waited in the lot on Monday morning to catch a glimpse of her. At least that’s what I’d convinced myself of, that I only wanted a glimpse. I continually reminded myself that she knew nothing of my newly transformed heart and that I could not expect anything between us to have changed, but even beyond logic I hoped that it had, that somehow Friday meant as much to her as it had to me.
She seemed distracted when she pulled into the lot. I hesitated going to her, torn between my desire to see her and the need to play it cool, as she would expect. I didn’t want to scare her off. I watched her as she gathered her things and headed towards the school building. Had she even seen me here or was she ignoring me?
“Shake your fucking head Cullen. Your eyes are stuck.”
Well at least I knew she’d seen me and I suppose in some small way her answer was better than her ignoring me, but it was not exactly what I’d hoped for. And she was still very angry with me. Her anger shouldn’t have surprised me but it did. Was her anger due to the words we’d exchanged in class on Friday or from our forest rendezvous? Was Friday night just an inconsequential encounter to her? Keeping my hands in my pockets, I twirled the ring around my finger consolingly. I would find the right time to talk to her.
I knew better than to expect her to mention Friday to anyone. That was not Bella’s way. I kept my eye on her throughout the morning and she continued to behave distractedly. She had something on her mind that was occupying her thoughts. Was it me?
I watched her with my own eyes at lunch. She didn’t sit with her regular classmates, choosing to eat at a table by herself instead. I thought of approaching her but decided against it. Too public; not at all what Bella would want, although I nearly changed my mind when I saw Mike Newton approach her. He was so undeserving of her attention. Why didn’t he see her clear dislike of him? It seemed so obvious to me. She sent him away by redirecting his attention to his extracurricular activities with Jessica Stanley. He clearly hadn’t intended for Jessica to gossip about it. She had told every person she’d spoken to today. He would have a lot of damage control to do, as he put it. Bella looked happy when he left and that cheered me.
‘Before you yell at me I’m just going to see how she’s doing,” Alice informed me from across the cafeteria. I watched and listened, anxious for the same information. Their exchange offered me little to work with. Bella made no mention of Friday night to Alice and then caught me staring at her again. Yes, definitely still angry with me, or so her finger told me.
I watched her dump her uneaten food and leave the cafeteria. I had hoped that Friday night had softened her but I remained determined to keep working at getting past her protective walls and at the real Bella Swan. I wanted her to feel the level of comfort with me that she felt with Charlie. I wanted at least that much. I wanted her to trust me and I knew that would not come easily.
I waited a few moments before following Bella to class so as to not appear too anxious, leaving my family with the flimsy excuse of catching up on a lab. Alice shot me a half smirk, which I ignored. I realized as I walked that I was still fighting for control of Bella, just in a different way than I was before. I would have to be persistent and patient with her before she would come around, and even then it might not be enough. I could not force her to open up to me no more than I could force her to like me. I could only keep trying, and be tenacious. I laughed at myself when I realized that even after everything I was still hoping that finding a way to get Bella to like me would be easy. Nothing between Bella and I ever was. Why should I expect this to be any different?
Bella was already at our table, her head laid on her arms, her expression forlorn. I could not help but feel I was causing her upset and it saddened me. I selfishly wanted to be happy but her happiness was much more important to me. It was such a fine line to walk, to be resolute and patient, to press hard enough to get her to come around and not so hard that she’d pull away from me. I greeted her softly.
“Hello.”
She looked up at me as if she was waiting for something but for what I did not know. I reminded myself to be patient.
“Hi.” Yes, she definitely sounded sad.
“Did you have a nice weekend?” I inquired, forcing my smile to remain casual and slightly detached.
“Does it matter?” she grumbled rhetorically.
“In hindsight I suppose there isn’t much that can be done to change it, but yes, I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t matter.” It mattered so much more to me than she could know.
“Why does it matter?”
I knew that it shouldn’t if I were the same man that I was last week, but I wasn’t. Not that she knew of the change…or that I could mention it. I tried to make it sound like I was just making conversation.
“It’s polite conversation Bella. It’s what friends talk about.”
“You said you didn’t want to be friends,” she reminded me.
She was right to call me on that. I had spoken out of anger on Friday, and although her words were not exactly what’d I said, I could see why I’d left her with that impression. I could not allow her to think that anymore.
“Yes...well…I never said that I didn’t want to be friends and I’m sorry if what I said on Friday hurt your feelings. It was rude of me to speak so candidly and then disappear.”
She seemed put off by my apology - the opposite of what I would have expected and so Bella. Her chin jutted out proudly and she glared at me coldly.
“You didn’t hurt my feelings. I’m a lot tougher than a few insults.”
“I’m sure you are.” I was very sure of it. Bella was definitely tough.
“You’re not fooling me Cullen.”
Fooling her about what? Why would she think I was trying to fool her? I was doing no such thing. I was simply agreeing completely with her statement. How odd! Again I tried to assure her with my words.
“I’m sure I’m not, nor was I trying to.”
“Then why are you agreeing with everything I’m saying?” she demanded.
I had unintentionally offended her somehow. Perhaps she felt I was placating her? Did she not hear the sincerity in my voice or the assuredness of my tone? Was I that repulsive to her?
“Has it never occurred to you that you and I might have the same opinions on some things?”
“No, and I’m sure we don’t,” she stated tersely.
Her voice was as cold as ice and I again reminded myself of the need for patience and persistence. Her memory loss was either inconvenient or false. I needed to determine which.
“You might be surprised,” I mused.
“Like what Cullen?”
Her defensiveness pleased me. At least I had predicted her reaction correctly. Now to very subtly remind her of some of Friday night’s events…
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe driving…or dancing…or the proper way to make a bed?”
She glared at me with a confused expression. There was none of the recognition I had hoped for. My heart fell. She was too drunk to remember what happened. Where did that leave me?
“You’re seriously weirding me out here Edward. And if those are the things we share opinions on then I think we are pretty much never going to be friends.”
I backpedalled a little, trying to redirect the conversation and show her that the two of us having something in common wasn’t that big a stretch.
“I was merely giving you examples. I suppose in the course of sharing our microscope we’ll stumble on to things we have in common, like our music for instance. I was genuinely surprised at how many artists we had in common on our playlists. Honestly, I figured we’d have no commonality. It’s something, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know what.” She tried to sound spurned by the idea but her eyes gave away her belief in the cogency of my argument.
“Yes, but still something.” I smiled, pleased she agreed with me at least in thought even if she wouldn’t admit it out loud. I wanted to give her another gentle reminder. “Do you like to dance Bella?”
“No, I don’t dance.”
But I knew otherwise. Did she really not remember? I could still remember the way her fragile warmth felt in my hands, the joy in being so close to her, the excitement of our connection. I couldn’t help but tease her with a very apropos choice of words.
“That’s a pity really. It can be quite intoxicating with the right partner.”
She glared at me angrily. No, she really did not remember.
“I’m sure they are lining up to dance with you Edward. You’re turning all the girl’s heads,” she spat venomously. Her attempt to change the subject would be unsuccessful.
“No more heads than you’re turning Bella. You’d be surprised at how many boys would like to dance with you.” Me for instance.
“How would you know?” Because I can read minds.
“People are easy to read, well, most people.” You as always Bella are the exception to the rule.
“So what about you Edward? Did you have a good weekend?” I allowed the subject change to see which direction her thoughts were leading her.
“Yes, thank you. I went camping with my family.” Another small lie but better than admitting that I had spied on her most of the weekend.
“And did you do a lot of dancing when you were camping?”
I suppose she thought she was being funny, but I knew just what to say to keep her talking.
“No, I got it out of my system before we left.”
Her face abruptly twisted into what appeared to be pain and I was uneasy. What was she thinking?
“And here I thought you’d never come across anyone that you found better looking than you find yourself. Did you get a pretty little model for you arm?”
By my own assessment Bella hid behind her sarcasm and this statement was positively overflowing with it, but what was she hiding from? Could she really be interested in how I spent my time?
“No, she’s not a model.”
My comment visibly upset her. Why? It was cruel of me to allow her to be upset for my own advantage and yet what other choice did I have? She seemed unable to recall Friday night on her own and I could see no other way to help her remember.
“A University student then because we both know you’d never date anyone in the student body here.” Even though her tone was seeping with disdain and sarcasm, she seemed sure of her statement.
“No University student,” I informed her, smirking.
“You’re dating a high school student?” She was working very hard to determine who this mystery person was, pretending to be outraged to hide her interest in my dating life. I was thrilled.
“We’re not dating right now. Just dancing.” I amended the thought in my head because it wasn’t just dancing for me.
“Poor girl. She’s probably got her heart set on you and you’re just going to leave her in the dust.”
Her poor opinion of me was evident. Or was she still hiding from something? I gave her the most honest answer I could think of…it was almost painfully honest.
“Quite the contrary actually. I don’t think her heart is set at all,” I informed her, my tone much too intense. Did she notice?
I could see her mind working, considering my words and how to reply to them. Would her answer change if she knew she was the girl we were discussing?
“Then maybe she has time to get away from you.”
“Maybe,” I agreed softly.
“Well who is she Cullen? I would be happy to give her a warning.”
I laughed out loud at her reply. There was no other way to rebuff her offer. My laughing seemed to make her angry. Anger was the only emotion I could evoke in her on a continual basis. It was almost too easy for me. I collected myself, desperate to keep her talking.
“I don’t kiss and tell Bella,” I laughed, speaking the words before their true meaning bled into my consciousness, a subtle reminder I hadn’t intended on making.
Again my words seemed to upset her. Would she really want to know whom I was kissing? She never struck me as the gossiping type. So why? I cut off my own thoughts. It was too much to hope for.
“A gentleman never does,” I informed her. I didn’t want her to think I was the sort of man to speak of such personal things. I began to wonder what she must think of me, how poor an opinion of me she must have. The disgusted glare on her face only made me worry further.
“Did you really expect me to tell you?” I asked softly, knowing she must have expected just that. She didn’t acknowledge my comment and my mind fragmented into a hundred different directions considering valid reasons she could have to hate me. And suddenly everything that I wanted had dissolved and I was left with one real truth. I was a monster. I had not only earned but deserved the poor opinion she had of me.
“Honestly Bella, what must you think of me?” I murmured, unable to keep my self-hatred from seeping into my tone.
Spanish was a blur even with all of Emmett’s internal dialogue. He was wondering what had me so preoccupied. Several times I almost asked him his opinion of Bella’s behaviour but Emmett’s mind was too black and white to help me. He would never understand my obsession with a human let alone the fact that I’d fallen in love with one. He had the highest maintenance mate in history but his success with her had more to do with his own carefree, laid back attitude than in any practical way of dealing with Rosalie’s twisted mind. No, I was on my own with this one, save for Alice. And I couldn’t get to Alice at this point. I decided to drive the others home and come straight back to school. I told myself it was to get to Alice as soon as possible but that was only part of it. I wanted to be close to Bella. And I wanted to hear Alice’s mind while they spoke. It was selfish of me, but I was more confused than ever. I hadn’t expected Bella to remember none of Friday night. Given her disgust for me, at this point I wasn’t even sure I wanted her to remember.
As soon as I pulled into the lot I could hear Alice. Her mental tone was eager and anxious. She was practically yelling at Bella, and the message repeated endlessly. ‘He loves you Bella. He loves you Bella. He loves you Bella.’ Her words didn’t match her thoughts. She was trying to get Bella to remember Friday, telling Bella it wasn’t her secret to tell. Bella looked so frustrated. What I wouldn’t have given in that moment to hear Bella’s inner monologue.
I listened as Alice asked Bella if I’d given her anything today or said something subtle that would jog her memory. I’d given her plenty; she just had to put it all together and I waited for her to assemble the clues. Bella said a few more things to Alice and then I heard the words that told me she’d figured it out.
“Alice did you drive me home on Friday night?” No Bella, she didn’t.
Silence.
I waited anxiously for Bella’s next words.
“Alice, I think I need to talk to your brother. Can you wait here please?”
I knew what she was coming for instinctively. I pulled the ring from my pocket and watched as she came through the doors and into the parking lot, directly towards my car. I couldn’t read the expression on her face. When she was close enough to the car she raised her hand and held it out to me. I rolled the window down wordlessly and lightly placed the keys into her open palm. She stared at them for a long moment, frozen. I didn’t dare shatter her resolve by speaking. I wanted to let the pieces of our encounter on Friday fall into place at her leisure. The only thing that mattered in that moment was Bella. Finally she looked into my eyes.
“But how did you…” Her expression was one of disbelief. I wanted to reach out for her, worried she might faint again, but I held myself back. She looked so pale and shocked.
“Bella, I…” I started to speak but she was already shaking her head. I knew she wouldn’t listen to me. Just as I had feared she didn’t want my explanations.
“Please let me finish,” I begged, my tone far more urgent than would have made sense to her. I knew how her mind would assimilate this. She would see the worst in everything. She cut me off with a wave of her hand. She ran for her truck or from me, I wasn’t sure which.
“Bella, wait, please!” I called after her. She just started her truck and the thunderous engine made it impossible for her to hear me. I threw open my door and went after her. I didn’t even bother to try to keep a human pace. She was my only worry.
I tapped on her window and she flinched but did not look at me. “Bella please just stay and talk to me,” I urged but she didn’t reply. She just drove away.
I flew back to my car to follow her. I couldn’t let her go this upset and without explanation. I had to know what she was thinking. My instincts told me she would not like me following her but as usual what she thought was best and what I thought was best were two different things.
She headed toward the ocean, towards the forest where we were together on Friday night. I wondered if this was a place that she often went to for refuge or was it significant only because of the circumstances? I would know soon enough.
She parked her truck in the same spot as Friday and started on foot into the forest. I could have easily caught up to her but I allowed her the time to her own thoughts. She would stop when she was ready for me to catch up. And when she finally stopped it was exactly where I had anticipated, the clearing in the forest where we’d been on Friday night. She stood in the center of the opening, her back to me, her shoulders slightly hunched. She was not the carefree spirit that stood here with me three days earlier. She was a darker, tormented version of that girl. I loved her all the same.
I waited for her to speak, sensing her apprehension, her need to assemble the words in a certain way so that she could express herself clearly. I braced myself for anger but was surprised by a different emotion.
“Why you?” she whispered regretfully. I was unsure if I was supposed to be able to hear her, if she was truly speaking to me or just lamenting. “Of all people, why you?”
I wanted to tell her it was my doing, that I had come looking for her but it would not have given her comfort. It would only make things worse to admit that.
“You passed out,” I told her. “And I didn’t think it was fair to leave you alone in the forest like that. You would have been cold and left to the elements. It gets very inclement at night.”
“Why not just leave me in my truck then. Why take me home?”
In my panic I wanted to go to her and turn her around so I could look into her eyes, the only path into her thoughts, but I resisted, trying to respect her space. Instead I started to walk the perimeter of the opening so that I could move to stand in front of her.
“That’s not how I was raised.” It sounded like an apology but I didn’t intend it to be one. “Your uncle would have been worried…and you still would have been cold. I didn’t think it would upset you, although I would have done it even if I had known.”
“Of course you would have,” she mumbled angrily. “You always do whatever the fuck you want, don’t you?”
“I try to do what I think is best.” And when it came to Bella it was especially true, but I amended my thought to give her as much truth as I could. “I’m not always right.”
“You’re never right.”
“When it comes to you, it’s true, I’m rarely right.” She was surprised by my honesty. I could see it on her face now that I’d finally gotten around to where I could see her expression. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m trying to do the wrong thing Bella.”
“So have at me. Tell me all the horribly embarrassing things I told you on Friday, all the things I did that you’ve been laughing your ass off about for days now.” Her tone was reserved and angry but her body language showed the shame she was feeling.
“There was nothing Bella, nothing embarrassing in the words you spoke or in your actions,” I said reassuringly.
“Liar,” she accused, rolling her eyes at me. “I know what I’m like when I’m drunk so don’t you even try to fucking tell me there was nothing. Just spill it. I’m sure you’ve been dying to rub it in my goddamn face. Or am I wrecking your plans? Were you waiting for a bigger audience for maximum embarrassment?”
Her anger was on full display; she was using it as a defence to hide her vulnerability. That’s what this entire display was about. She didn’t like feeling vulnerable. I could understand that. I sat down on the ground, hoping she’d relax, hoping that she could see that I wasn’t here to tease or punish her in any way. She eyed me sceptically so I just started talking.
“How much do you remember?” I asked honestly.
“Oh fuck you Cullen. I’m not playing your game.”
“I’m not playing a game Bella. I just want to know where to start my explanation.” She was about to complain again but I held up my hand to petition her silence. “Let me finish please. I’ll start at the beginning and I promise you I won’t leave any of it out.”
“Yeah right,” she grumbled.
“I found you here, right here.” I raised my arms and swept them open to show her that I meant the forest opening. “But I’m assuming you knew that or you wouldn’t have come here. And you were already drunk when I got here. You were dancing. The music from the party nearby was loud, easily heard from here and you were relaxed and drinking and dancing to it.”
“Greeeeattt.” She blushed and looked down.
“You looked beautiful,” I added softly. “It was nice to see you so carefree, and that’s why I thought it would be okay if I spoke to you. I didn’t like that you were out here alone and not fully cognizant. Anything could have happened.” A half-truth. I didn’t like her out here alone but it had little to do with why I approached her.
“That’s really none of your fucking business Cullen.”
“Agreed.” I nodded my head at her. “But that’s how I felt nevertheless. So I said hello. You were surprised to see me. You told me you were having a party to forget your bad day.” I wasn’t sure how to phrase what happened next. I was suddenly anxious about telling the truth. “And then you asked me to dance.”
“I what?” she screamed at me. I assumed it was rhetorical so I didn’t repeat the words. She dropped to the ground clumsily, almost as if her knees gave out on her, and I was worried that she’d hurt herself. She would not look at me.
“And so we danced for a short while and whilst dancing you told me you weren’t much of a dancer but you did fine. And you seemed to like to spin. You pulled away from our dance after a couple of minutes and started spinning. You were a little hyper.”
She covered her face with her hands although I could see through her fingers that her cheeks were very red.
“I warned you to be careful because you’d had so much to drink but you assured me you knew what you were doing. So I just watched you for a while.”
“You fucking watched me?” she asked, irritated, peering up at me through her fingers.
“And then you asked me what I was doing there so I explained that I had been out running because that’s what I do when I need to think. You told me you were running too.”
“What?” she asked me disbelievingly. Her hands fell from her puckered face. “I don’t run Edward.”
“I know. You explained that to me when I asked.”
“Huh?” She got back on her feet and began to walk away from me and I felt abruptly trepidatious, like she was pulling away or didn’t believe me or was going to tell me she didn’t want to hear my version of the night.
“You told me you think too much and that you run when you want to get away from something.”
“Did I tell you what I was trying to get away form?” she groaned, turning around to face me, leaning her body against a tree.
“Yes…me,” I admitted, rushing to finish my explanation. “And I can understand why. I was very rude to you on Friday. I would have been trying to get away from the memory too.”
I paused a moment hoping she’d speak but she just recovered her face with her hands. I took a few steps toward her.
“When I asked you why you were running from me you told me that I was cute but too good for you. I told you that you were very wrong, and that you were giving me way too much credit.” She looked up at me incredulously and my breath hitched when I saw her eyes, so full of shame. My instinct to soothe away her pain flooded me again as it had that night. I closed the remaining distance between us in several long strides unable to resist her pull.
“You told me that you were broken,” I whispered. She looked up at me with horror in her eyes.
“I said that there was a part in all of us that was broken and that it didn’t define who you were.”
“That doesn’t sound like something you’d say,” she noted quietly, her eyes full of questions.
“When you and I talk, we tend to bring out the worst in each other, and one of us lands up shutting the other one out. Friday night you didn’t shut me out and we seemed to get past the normal hang ups,” I explained.
“So what happened after that?” she inquired hesitantly.
“I told you that you weren’t alone…” My voice was little more than a whisper. “And then I kissed you.”
I didn’t tell her she asked me to. It didn’t matter. I had wanted to kiss her in the same moment. She was just braver for asking. Besides, she would only be embarrassed by it or try to deny it and I would end up looking like I forced her into it. I didn’t want her to think that, so I took responsibility for it.
Her hand came to her mouth and she covered it lightly with her fingers, surprised. “I thought I dreamed that,” she murmured.
I stopped breathing at her admission. Did that mean she didn’t regret it?
“And you know the rest. You passed out and I carried you back to your truck, drove you home and put you to bed. You woke up once when I buckled you into the truck and I told you…”
She interrupted me, smiling. “You told me you’d get me home safely.”
“Exactly,” I agreed, elated and relieved that there was some memory of our night together, and that the memory did not seem disagreeable to her. It almost seemed like a good thing, or I was reading too much into it. “And now you know everything.” Well not everything, not the shift in my world or the love that I felt for her but everything that we said and did that night.
“You know it was all because I was fucking drunk right? You know that I would not have said or done those things sober?” she demanded, serious, all lightness vanished.
I nodded and tried to hide my feelings as my hope shattered into pieces. “You weren’t yourself, well not the self you put forward at school every day. I could see that.”
“Damn straight.”
“You seemed happy Bella.” I wanted her to know that it was ok, that she didn’t need to be embarrassed or shut me out.
“I was happy. I mean of course I was happy Cullen. I was drunk. What were you expecting?”
“It was nice to see you happy…to see…to see the walls down,” I added quietly.
“Fuck you Edward. You think you know me so well. You don’t know shit. You’re so fucking full of yourself. You just can’t stand it that someone doesn’t like you. I bet you’ve never had a woman tell you that before.”
She was pulling away from me, retreating into her comfort zone of anger and sarcasm. I wanted to deny her words but stopped myself. It would only infuriate her. I refocused my thoughts.
“Whatever the reason, whether it was the alcohol or freedom or whatever, it was wonderful to see you happy. And I was glad that I was there with you to witness it.”
“It’s too bad you didn’t have the forethought to bring a video camera. You could have filmed it and used it as blackmail, put it up on YouTube or something. No one will believe you without proof.”
She was so defensive. I was losing my grip on my control, crashing into the emotions I was feeling and the lies she was telling.
“I would never do that to you, or anyone for that matter. I know we sort of got off on the wrong foot Bella. I think we just need a fresh start.”
“Thanks but no thanks Edward.” She laughed blackly at some private joke. “We don’t need a fucking fresh start. We need Armageddon. You and I will never…never mean… anything to one another,” she sputtered emotionally.
“So I don’t mean anything to you?” I charged without thinking. I wanted to hear her deny it so I could read her eyes when she did. They would hold the real truth.
“Why would you mean something to me?” she questioned, offended, but it was not a denial.
“The same reason you might mean something to me.” My reply was more evasive than I had intended. I just wanted the truth from her.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” She shot me an angry glare. She did not appreciate my implied truth.
“Why does anyone mean anything to anyone?” I asked, frustrated. Attraction was not as black and white as she wanted it to be. Love and desire didn’t always equate to sense or reason and she was a perfect example, that I would love her, a woman whose blood I desired so intensely, had to be fate’s cruellest joke.
“You’re not fucking answering my question,” she growled, leaning towards me angrily.
“And you’re not answering mine,” I repeated, barely able to contain my anger as I lashed out at her lies with my words and her pull brought me another step closer to her.
“You don’t fucking get it do you? I don’t want this.” She laughed harshly. The warmness in her brown eyes was gone. They were cold, icy, frozen and black.
“Don’t want what?” I needed to hear her say it, either way. My eyes held hers.
“You…you and me. I don’t want it.”
I leaned into her body, one arm over her shoulder, balancing myself against the tree behind her. “I never offered myself to you.” We traded lies. I saw my own eyes reflected back at me, fiery and molten. Could she see the passion burning there?
“Then what the fuck did you mean by ‘the same reason you might mean something to me?’” She stared up at me with a look that clearly said back off but I ignored it. If she did not care then why did it matter what my words meant? Her eyes were melting under my gaze.
“What did you want me to mean?” I pushed, being purposely condescending. I didn’t want to back down. I knew she wasn’t telling the truth.
“Shut the fuck up Edward,” she warned. Her eyes were completely liquid now.
I leaned into her, my face only inches away from hers, for one final dare. “Make me Bella.” And just like Friday she didn’t pull away from me. I could feel her warm breath on my face and was already imagining how she would feel against me.
“Asshole,” she breathed, closing her eyes.
I released the last bit of hold I had on my control. Her pull was too strong. My lips covered hers and she moaned against my mouth, fisting my shirt and pulling me closer. It was like a summoning of some primal instinct that had been deeply buried in me. I pressed my body against hers, pressing her into the tree, feeling every bit of her anger and affection, her softness caressing every curve of my body. I reached out for her with my free arm, snaking it around her waist and drawing her to me while her tongue traced my bottom lip. My knees went weak.
Even the physical connection to her was not enough to quell the pull she caused in me. I wanted more, needed more. I dropped my hand from the tree and shifted my weight away from her, allowing my now free hand to tangle into her silky hair, pulling her face closer to mine and pushing my tongue between her lips. She willingly parted them and let me in, pressing against my tongue with her own. I tightened my hold on her waist, too close was not possible, and we fought for domination. She was everywhere, under my fingertips and pressed against me, filling my hands and my lips and my every sense and still I wanted more. I’d never felt such strong desire in my life.
She pulled back from me panting, eyes still closed and her hands released my shirt, resting lightly on my chest. I slid my hand from around her waist and covered her hand lightly with it. She looked up at me for a moment as if she were about to say something but then the words vanished. Her liquid eyes froze and she pushed back from me. And in that instant I knew I’d lost her, walls back up, retreating.
And she was gone, running back to her truck and away from me. I didn’t chase her. I was thrilled that I’d gotten through if only for a moment, if only through a kiss and not with words. But she was still resisting, unable to admit to herself that she felt something for me other than hatred, still pushing me out with her defensive walls. I’d made it clear that I had feelings for her, maybe not the depth of the feelings but certainly the existence of them. There was nowhere for me to go without forcing myself on her. I could only remain persistent. The change had to come from her. It was up to her now.
Chapter 14: Reminders (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 6,293
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Edward's POV...
14. Reminders
I fought needlessly with myself all weekend, warring over resisting checking on her and accepting that I would anyway. I wanted to know if she was okay, if she had thought about the events of Friday night. There was nothing but silence coming from the house on Saturday even though her truck was parked at the curb. On Sunday I heard her uncle speaking a lot, asking a multitude of questions which Bella ignored or stubbornly refused to answer. She made no mention of Friday night to him, not that I expected she would, but I was still disappointed. I was very impatient to see her again.
I waited in the lot on Monday morning to catch a glimpse of her. At least that’s what I’d convinced myself of, that I only wanted a glimpse. I continually reminded myself that she knew nothing of my newly transformed heart and that I could not expect anything between us to have changed, but even beyond logic I hoped that it had, that somehow Friday meant as much to her as it had to me.
She seemed distracted when she pulled into the lot. I hesitated going to her, torn between my desire to see her and the need to play it cool, as she would expect. I didn’t want to scare her off. I watched her as she gathered her things and headed towards the school building. Had she even seen me here or was she ignoring me?
“Shake your fucking head Cullen. Your eyes are stuck.”
Well at least I knew she’d seen me and I suppose in some small way her answer was better than her ignoring me, but it was not exactly what I’d hoped for. And she was still very angry with me. Her anger shouldn’t have surprised me but it did. Was her anger due to the words we’d exchanged in class on Friday or from our forest rendezvous? Was Friday night just an inconsequential encounter to her? Keeping my hands in my pockets, I twirled the ring around my finger consolingly. I would find the right time to talk to her.
I knew better than to expect her to mention Friday to anyone. That was not Bella’s way. I kept my eye on her throughout the morning and she continued to behave distractedly. She had something on her mind that was occupying her thoughts. Was it me?
I watched her with my own eyes at lunch. She didn’t sit with her regular classmates, choosing to eat at a table by herself instead. I thought of approaching her but decided against it. Too public; not at all what Bella would want, although I nearly changed my mind when I saw Mike Newton approach her. He was so undeserving of her attention. Why didn’t he see her clear dislike of him? It seemed so obvious to me. She sent him away by redirecting his attention to his extracurricular activities with Jessica Stanley. He clearly hadn’t intended for Jessica to gossip about it. She had told every person she’d spoken to today. He would have a lot of damage control to do, as he put it. Bella looked happy when he left and that cheered me.
‘Before you yell at me I’m just going to see how she’s doing,” Alice informed me from across the cafeteria. I watched and listened, anxious for the same information. Their exchange offered me little to work with. Bella made no mention of Friday night to Alice and then caught me staring at her again. Yes, definitely still angry with me, or so her finger told me.
I watched her dump her uneaten food and leave the cafeteria. I had hoped that Friday night had softened her but I remained determined to keep working at getting past her protective walls and at the real Bella Swan. I wanted her to feel the level of comfort with me that she felt with Charlie. I wanted at least that much. I wanted her to trust me and I knew that would not come easily.
I waited a few moments before following Bella to class so as to not appear too anxious, leaving my family with the flimsy excuse of catching up on a lab. Alice shot me a half smirk, which I ignored. I realized as I walked that I was still fighting for control of Bella, just in a different way than I was before. I would have to be persistent and patient with her before she would come around, and even then it might not be enough. I could not force her to open up to me no more than I could force her to like me. I could only keep trying, and be tenacious. I laughed at myself when I realized that even after everything I was still hoping that finding a way to get Bella to like me would be easy. Nothing between Bella and I ever was. Why should I expect this to be any different?
Bella was already at our table, her head laid on her arms, her expression forlorn. I could not help but feel I was causing her upset and it saddened me. I selfishly wanted to be happy but her happiness was much more important to me. It was such a fine line to walk, to be resolute and patient, to press hard enough to get her to come around and not so hard that she’d pull away from me. I greeted her softly.
“Hello.”
She looked up at me as if she was waiting for something but for what I did not know. I reminded myself to be patient.
“Hi.” Yes, she definitely sounded sad.
“Did you have a nice weekend?” I inquired, forcing my smile to remain casual and slightly detached.
“Does it matter?” she grumbled rhetorically.
“In hindsight I suppose there isn’t much that can be done to change it, but yes, I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t matter.” It mattered so much more to me than she could know.
“Why does it matter?”
I knew that it shouldn’t if I were the same man that I was last week, but I wasn’t. Not that she knew of the change…or that I could mention it. I tried to make it sound like I was just making conversation.
“It’s polite conversation Bella. It’s what friends talk about.”
“You said you didn’t want to be friends,” she reminded me.
She was right to call me on that. I had spoken out of anger on Friday, and although her words were not exactly what’d I said, I could see why I’d left her with that impression. I could not allow her to think that anymore.
“Yes...well…I never said that I didn’t want to be friends and I’m sorry if what I said on Friday hurt your feelings. It was rude of me to speak so candidly and then disappear.”
She seemed put off by my apology - the opposite of what I would have expected and so Bella. Her chin jutted out proudly and she glared at me coldly.
“You didn’t hurt my feelings. I’m a lot tougher than a few insults.”
“I’m sure you are.” I was very sure of it. Bella was definitely tough.
“You’re not fooling me Cullen.”
Fooling her about what? Why would she think I was trying to fool her? I was doing no such thing. I was simply agreeing completely with her statement. How odd! Again I tried to assure her with my words.
“I’m sure I’m not, nor was I trying to.”
“Then why are you agreeing with everything I’m saying?” she demanded.
I had unintentionally offended her somehow. Perhaps she felt I was placating her? Did she not hear the sincerity in my voice or the assuredness of my tone? Was I that repulsive to her?
“Has it never occurred to you that you and I might have the same opinions on some things?”
“No, and I’m sure we don’t,” she stated tersely.
Her voice was as cold as ice and I again reminded myself of the need for patience and persistence. Her memory loss was either inconvenient or false. I needed to determine which.
“You might be surprised,” I mused.
“Like what Cullen?”
Her defensiveness pleased me. At least I had predicted her reaction correctly. Now to very subtly remind her of some of Friday night’s events…
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe driving…or dancing…or the proper way to make a bed?”
She glared at me with a confused expression. There was none of the recognition I had hoped for. My heart fell. She was too drunk to remember what happened. Where did that leave me?
“You’re seriously weirding me out here Edward. And if those are the things we share opinions on then I think we are pretty much never going to be friends.”
I backpedalled a little, trying to redirect the conversation and show her that the two of us having something in common wasn’t that big a stretch.
“I was merely giving you examples. I suppose in the course of sharing our microscope we’ll stumble on to things we have in common, like our music for instance. I was genuinely surprised at how many artists we had in common on our playlists. Honestly, I figured we’d have no commonality. It’s something, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know what.” She tried to sound spurned by the idea but her eyes gave away her belief in the cogency of my argument.
“Yes, but still something.” I smiled, pleased she agreed with me at least in thought even if she wouldn’t admit it out loud. I wanted to give her another gentle reminder. “Do you like to dance Bella?”
“No, I don’t dance.”
But I knew otherwise. Did she really not remember? I could still remember the way her fragile warmth felt in my hands, the joy in being so close to her, the excitement of our connection. I couldn’t help but tease her with a very apropos choice of words.
“That’s a pity really. It can be quite intoxicating with the right partner.”
She glared at me angrily. No, she really did not remember.
“I’m sure they are lining up to dance with you Edward. You’re turning all the girl’s heads,” she spat venomously. Her attempt to change the subject would be unsuccessful.
“No more heads than you’re turning Bella. You’d be surprised at how many boys would like to dance with you.” Me for instance.
“How would you know?” Because I can read minds.
“People are easy to read, well, most people.” You as always Bella are the exception to the rule.
“So what about you Edward? Did you have a good weekend?” I allowed the subject change to see which direction her thoughts were leading her.
“Yes, thank you. I went camping with my family.” Another small lie but better than admitting that I had spied on her most of the weekend.
“And did you do a lot of dancing when you were camping?”
I suppose she thought she was being funny, but I knew just what to say to keep her talking.
“No, I got it out of my system before we left.”
Her face abruptly twisted into what appeared to be pain and I was uneasy. What was she thinking?
“And here I thought you’d never come across anyone that you found better looking than you find yourself. Did you get a pretty little model for you arm?”
By my own assessment Bella hid behind her sarcasm and this statement was positively overflowing with it, but what was she hiding from? Could she really be interested in how I spent my time?
“No, she’s not a model.”
My comment visibly upset her. Why? It was cruel of me to allow her to be upset for my own advantage and yet what other choice did I have? She seemed unable to recall Friday night on her own and I could see no other way to help her remember.
“A University student then because we both know you’d never date anyone in the student body here.” Even though her tone was seeping with disdain and sarcasm, she seemed sure of her statement.
“No University student,” I informed her, smirking.
“You’re dating a high school student?” She was working very hard to determine who this mystery person was, pretending to be outraged to hide her interest in my dating life. I was thrilled.
“We’re not dating right now. Just dancing.” I amended the thought in my head because it wasn’t just dancing for me.
“Poor girl. She’s probably got her heart set on you and you’re just going to leave her in the dust.”
Her poor opinion of me was evident. Or was she still hiding from something? I gave her the most honest answer I could think of…it was almost painfully honest.
“Quite the contrary actually. I don’t think her heart is set at all,” I informed her, my tone much too intense. Did she notice?
I could see her mind working, considering my words and how to reply to them. Would her answer change if she knew she was the girl we were discussing?
“Then maybe she has time to get away from you.”
“Maybe,” I agreed softly.
“Well who is she Cullen? I would be happy to give her a warning.”
I laughed out loud at her reply. There was no other way to rebuff her offer. My laughing seemed to make her angry. Anger was the only emotion I could evoke in her on a continual basis. It was almost too easy for me. I collected myself, desperate to keep her talking.
“I don’t kiss and tell Bella,” I laughed, speaking the words before their true meaning bled into my consciousness, a subtle reminder I hadn’t intended on making.
Again my words seemed to upset her. Would she really want to know whom I was kissing? She never struck me as the gossiping type. So why? I cut off my own thoughts. It was too much to hope for.
“A gentleman never does,” I informed her. I didn’t want her to think I was the sort of man to speak of such personal things. I began to wonder what she must think of me, how poor an opinion of me she must have. The disgusted glare on her face only made me worry further.
“Did you really expect me to tell you?” I asked softly, knowing she must have expected just that. She didn’t acknowledge my comment and my mind fragmented into a hundred different directions considering valid reasons she could have to hate me. And suddenly everything that I wanted had dissolved and I was left with one real truth. I was a monster. I had not only earned but deserved the poor opinion she had of me.
“Honestly Bella, what must you think of me?” I murmured, unable to keep my self-hatred from seeping into my tone.
Spanish was a blur even with all of Emmett’s internal dialogue. He was wondering what had me so preoccupied. Several times I almost asked him his opinion of Bella’s behaviour but Emmett’s mind was too black and white to help me. He would never understand my obsession with a human let alone the fact that I’d fallen in love with one. He had the highest maintenance mate in history but his success with her had more to do with his own carefree, laid back attitude than in any practical way of dealing with Rosalie’s twisted mind. No, I was on my own with this one, save for Alice. And I couldn’t get to Alice at this point. I decided to drive the others home and come straight back to school. I told myself it was to get to Alice as soon as possible but that was only part of it. I wanted to be close to Bella. And I wanted to hear Alice’s mind while they spoke. It was selfish of me, but I was more confused than ever. I hadn’t expected Bella to remember none of Friday night. Given her disgust for me, at this point I wasn’t even sure I wanted her to remember.
As soon as I pulled into the lot I could hear Alice. Her mental tone was eager and anxious. She was practically yelling at Bella, and the message repeated endlessly. ‘He loves you Bella. He loves you Bella. He loves you Bella.’ Her words didn’t match her thoughts. She was trying to get Bella to remember Friday, telling Bella it wasn’t her secret to tell. Bella looked so frustrated. What I wouldn’t have given in that moment to hear Bella’s inner monologue.
I listened as Alice asked Bella if I’d given her anything today or said something subtle that would jog her memory. I’d given her plenty; she just had to put it all together and I waited for her to assemble the clues. Bella said a few more things to Alice and then I heard the words that told me she’d figured it out.
“Alice did you drive me home on Friday night?” No Bella, she didn’t.
Silence.
I waited anxiously for Bella’s next words.
“Alice, I think I need to talk to your brother. Can you wait here please?”
I knew what she was coming for instinctively. I pulled the ring from my pocket and watched as she came through the doors and into the parking lot, directly towards my car. I couldn’t read the expression on her face. When she was close enough to the car she raised her hand and held it out to me. I rolled the window down wordlessly and lightly placed the keys into her open palm. She stared at them for a long moment, frozen. I didn’t dare shatter her resolve by speaking. I wanted to let the pieces of our encounter on Friday fall into place at her leisure. The only thing that mattered in that moment was Bella. Finally she looked into my eyes.
“But how did you…” Her expression was one of disbelief. I wanted to reach out for her, worried she might faint again, but I held myself back. She looked so pale and shocked.
“Bella, I…” I started to speak but she was already shaking her head. I knew she wouldn’t listen to me. Just as I had feared she didn’t want my explanations.
“Please let me finish,” I begged, my tone far more urgent than would have made sense to her. I knew how her mind would assimilate this. She would see the worst in everything. She cut me off with a wave of her hand. She ran for her truck or from me, I wasn’t sure which.
“Bella, wait, please!” I called after her. She just started her truck and the thunderous engine made it impossible for her to hear me. I threw open my door and went after her. I didn’t even bother to try to keep a human pace. She was my only worry.
I tapped on her window and she flinched but did not look at me. “Bella please just stay and talk to me,” I urged but she didn’t reply. She just drove away.
I flew back to my car to follow her. I couldn’t let her go this upset and without explanation. I had to know what she was thinking. My instincts told me she would not like me following her but as usual what she thought was best and what I thought was best were two different things.
She headed toward the ocean, towards the forest where we were together on Friday night. I wondered if this was a place that she often went to for refuge or was it significant only because of the circumstances? I would know soon enough.
She parked her truck in the same spot as Friday and started on foot into the forest. I could have easily caught up to her but I allowed her the time to her own thoughts. She would stop when she was ready for me to catch up. And when she finally stopped it was exactly where I had anticipated, the clearing in the forest where we’d been on Friday night. She stood in the center of the opening, her back to me, her shoulders slightly hunched. She was not the carefree spirit that stood here with me three days earlier. She was a darker, tormented version of that girl. I loved her all the same.
I waited for her to speak, sensing her apprehension, her need to assemble the words in a certain way so that she could express herself clearly. I braced myself for anger but was surprised by a different emotion.
“Why you?” she whispered regretfully. I was unsure if I was supposed to be able to hear her, if she was truly speaking to me or just lamenting. “Of all people, why you?”
I wanted to tell her it was my doing, that I had come looking for her but it would not have given her comfort. It would only make things worse to admit that.
“You passed out,” I told her. “And I didn’t think it was fair to leave you alone in the forest like that. You would have been cold and left to the elements. It gets very inclement at night.”
“Why not just leave me in my truck then. Why take me home?”
In my panic I wanted to go to her and turn her around so I could look into her eyes, the only path into her thoughts, but I resisted, trying to respect her space. Instead I started to walk the perimeter of the opening so that I could move to stand in front of her.
“That’s not how I was raised.” It sounded like an apology but I didn’t intend it to be one. “Your uncle would have been worried…and you still would have been cold. I didn’t think it would upset you, although I would have done it even if I had known.”
“Of course you would have,” she mumbled angrily. “You always do whatever the fuck you want, don’t you?”
“I try to do what I think is best.” And when it came to Bella it was especially true, but I amended my thought to give her as much truth as I could. “I’m not always right.”
“You’re never right.”
“When it comes to you, it’s true, I’m rarely right.” She was surprised by my honesty. I could see it on her face now that I’d finally gotten around to where I could see her expression. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m trying to do the wrong thing Bella.”
“So have at me. Tell me all the horribly embarrassing things I told you on Friday, all the things I did that you’ve been laughing your ass off about for days now.” Her tone was reserved and angry but her body language showed the shame she was feeling.
“There was nothing Bella, nothing embarrassing in the words you spoke or in your actions,” I said reassuringly.
“Liar,” she accused, rolling her eyes at me. “I know what I’m like when I’m drunk so don’t you even try to fucking tell me there was nothing. Just spill it. I’m sure you’ve been dying to rub it in my goddamn face. Or am I wrecking your plans? Were you waiting for a bigger audience for maximum embarrassment?”
Her anger was on full display; she was using it as a defence to hide her vulnerability. That’s what this entire display was about. She didn’t like feeling vulnerable. I could understand that. I sat down on the ground, hoping she’d relax, hoping that she could see that I wasn’t here to tease or punish her in any way. She eyed me sceptically so I just started talking.
“How much do you remember?” I asked honestly.
“Oh fuck you Cullen. I’m not playing your game.”
“I’m not playing a game Bella. I just want to know where to start my explanation.” She was about to complain again but I held up my hand to petition her silence. “Let me finish please. I’ll start at the beginning and I promise you I won’t leave any of it out.”
“Yeah right,” she grumbled.
“I found you here, right here.” I raised my arms and swept them open to show her that I meant the forest opening. “But I’m assuming you knew that or you wouldn’t have come here. And you were already drunk when I got here. You were dancing. The music from the party nearby was loud, easily heard from here and you were relaxed and drinking and dancing to it.”
“Greeeeattt.” She blushed and looked down.
“You looked beautiful,” I added softly. “It was nice to see you so carefree, and that’s why I thought it would be okay if I spoke to you. I didn’t like that you were out here alone and not fully cognizant. Anything could have happened.” A half-truth. I didn’t like her out here alone but it had little to do with why I approached her.
“That’s really none of your fucking business Cullen.”
“Agreed.” I nodded my head at her. “But that’s how I felt nevertheless. So I said hello. You were surprised to see me. You told me you were having a party to forget your bad day.” I wasn’t sure how to phrase what happened next. I was suddenly anxious about telling the truth. “And then you asked me to dance.”
“I what?” she screamed at me. I assumed it was rhetorical so I didn’t repeat the words. She dropped to the ground clumsily, almost as if her knees gave out on her, and I was worried that she’d hurt herself. She would not look at me.
“And so we danced for a short while and whilst dancing you told me you weren’t much of a dancer but you did fine. And you seemed to like to spin. You pulled away from our dance after a couple of minutes and started spinning. You were a little hyper.”
She covered her face with her hands although I could see through her fingers that her cheeks were very red.
“I warned you to be careful because you’d had so much to drink but you assured me you knew what you were doing. So I just watched you for a while.”
“You fucking watched me?” she asked, irritated, peering up at me through her fingers.
“And then you asked me what I was doing there so I explained that I had been out running because that’s what I do when I need to think. You told me you were running too.”
“What?” she asked me disbelievingly. Her hands fell from her puckered face. “I don’t run Edward.”
“I know. You explained that to me when I asked.”
“Huh?” She got back on her feet and began to walk away from me and I felt abruptly trepidatious, like she was pulling away or didn’t believe me or was going to tell me she didn’t want to hear my version of the night.
“You told me you think too much and that you run when you want to get away from something.”
“Did I tell you what I was trying to get away form?” she groaned, turning around to face me, leaning her body against a tree.
“Yes…me,” I admitted, rushing to finish my explanation. “And I can understand why. I was very rude to you on Friday. I would have been trying to get away from the memory too.”
I paused a moment hoping she’d speak but she just recovered her face with her hands. I took a few steps toward her.
“When I asked you why you were running from me you told me that I was cute but too good for you. I told you that you were very wrong, and that you were giving me way too much credit.” She looked up at me incredulously and my breath hitched when I saw her eyes, so full of shame. My instinct to soothe away her pain flooded me again as it had that night. I closed the remaining distance between us in several long strides unable to resist her pull.
“You told me that you were broken,” I whispered. She looked up at me with horror in her eyes.
“I said that there was a part in all of us that was broken and that it didn’t define who you were.”
“That doesn’t sound like something you’d say,” she noted quietly, her eyes full of questions.
“When you and I talk, we tend to bring out the worst in each other, and one of us lands up shutting the other one out. Friday night you didn’t shut me out and we seemed to get past the normal hang ups,” I explained.
“So what happened after that?” she inquired hesitantly.
“I told you that you weren’t alone…” My voice was little more than a whisper. “And then I kissed you.”
I didn’t tell her she asked me to. It didn’t matter. I had wanted to kiss her in the same moment. She was just braver for asking. Besides, she would only be embarrassed by it or try to deny it and I would end up looking like I forced her into it. I didn’t want her to think that, so I took responsibility for it.
Her hand came to her mouth and she covered it lightly with her fingers, surprised. “I thought I dreamed that,” she murmured.
I stopped breathing at her admission. Did that mean she didn’t regret it?
“And you know the rest. You passed out and I carried you back to your truck, drove you home and put you to bed. You woke up once when I buckled you into the truck and I told you…”
She interrupted me, smiling. “You told me you’d get me home safely.”
“Exactly,” I agreed, elated and relieved that there was some memory of our night together, and that the memory did not seem disagreeable to her. It almost seemed like a good thing, or I was reading too much into it. “And now you know everything.” Well not everything, not the shift in my world or the love that I felt for her but everything that we said and did that night.
“You know it was all because I was fucking drunk right? You know that I would not have said or done those things sober?” she demanded, serious, all lightness vanished.
I nodded and tried to hide my feelings as my hope shattered into pieces. “You weren’t yourself, well not the self you put forward at school every day. I could see that.”
“Damn straight.”
“You seemed happy Bella.” I wanted her to know that it was ok, that she didn’t need to be embarrassed or shut me out.
“I was happy. I mean of course I was happy Cullen. I was drunk. What were you expecting?”
“It was nice to see you happy…to see…to see the walls down,” I added quietly.
“Fuck you Edward. You think you know me so well. You don’t know shit. You’re so fucking full of yourself. You just can’t stand it that someone doesn’t like you. I bet you’ve never had a woman tell you that before.”
She was pulling away from me, retreating into her comfort zone of anger and sarcasm. I wanted to deny her words but stopped myself. It would only infuriate her. I refocused my thoughts.
“Whatever the reason, whether it was the alcohol or freedom or whatever, it was wonderful to see you happy. And I was glad that I was there with you to witness it.”
“It’s too bad you didn’t have the forethought to bring a video camera. You could have filmed it and used it as blackmail, put it up on YouTube or something. No one will believe you without proof.”
She was so defensive. I was losing my grip on my control, crashing into the emotions I was feeling and the lies she was telling.
“I would never do that to you, or anyone for that matter. I know we sort of got off on the wrong foot Bella. I think we just need a fresh start.”
“Thanks but no thanks Edward.” She laughed blackly at some private joke. “We don’t need a fucking fresh start. We need Armageddon. You and I will never…never mean… anything to one another,” she sputtered emotionally.
“So I don’t mean anything to you?” I charged without thinking. I wanted to hear her deny it so I could read her eyes when she did. They would hold the real truth.
“Why would you mean something to me?” she questioned, offended, but it was not a denial.
“The same reason you might mean something to me.” My reply was more evasive than I had intended. I just wanted the truth from her.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” She shot me an angry glare. She did not appreciate my implied truth.
“Why does anyone mean anything to anyone?” I asked, frustrated. Attraction was not as black and white as she wanted it to be. Love and desire didn’t always equate to sense or reason and she was a perfect example, that I would love her, a woman whose blood I desired so intensely, had to be fate’s cruellest joke.
“You’re not fucking answering my question,” she growled, leaning towards me angrily.
“And you’re not answering mine,” I repeated, barely able to contain my anger as I lashed out at her lies with my words and her pull brought me another step closer to her.
“You don’t fucking get it do you? I don’t want this.” She laughed harshly. The warmness in her brown eyes was gone. They were cold, icy, frozen and black.
“Don’t want what?” I needed to hear her say it, either way. My eyes held hers.
“You…you and me. I don’t want it.”
I leaned into her body, one arm over her shoulder, balancing myself against the tree behind her. “I never offered myself to you.” We traded lies. I saw my own eyes reflected back at me, fiery and molten. Could she see the passion burning there?
“Then what the fuck did you mean by ‘the same reason you might mean something to me?’” She stared up at me with a look that clearly said back off but I ignored it. If she did not care then why did it matter what my words meant? Her eyes were melting under my gaze.
“What did you want me to mean?” I pushed, being purposely condescending. I didn’t want to back down. I knew she wasn’t telling the truth.
“Shut the fuck up Edward,” she warned. Her eyes were completely liquid now.
I leaned into her, my face only inches away from hers, for one final dare. “Make me Bella.” And just like Friday she didn’t pull away from me. I could feel her warm breath on my face and was already imagining how she would feel against me.
“Asshole,” she breathed, closing her eyes.
I released the last bit of hold I had on my control. Her pull was too strong. My lips covered hers and she moaned against my mouth, fisting my shirt and pulling me closer. It was like a summoning of some primal instinct that had been deeply buried in me. I pressed my body against hers, pressing her into the tree, feeling every bit of her anger and affection, her softness caressing every curve of my body. I reached out for her with my free arm, snaking it around her waist and drawing her to me while her tongue traced my bottom lip. My knees went weak.
Even the physical connection to her was not enough to quell the pull she caused in me. I wanted more, needed more. I dropped my hand from the tree and shifted my weight away from her, allowing my now free hand to tangle into her silky hair, pulling her face closer to mine and pushing my tongue between her lips. She willingly parted them and let me in, pressing against my tongue with her own. I tightened my hold on her waist, too close was not possible, and we fought for domination. She was everywhere, under my fingertips and pressed against me, filling my hands and my lips and my every sense and still I wanted more. I’d never felt such strong desire in my life.
She pulled back from me panting, eyes still closed and her hands released my shirt, resting lightly on my chest. I slid my hand from around her waist and covered her hand lightly with it. She looked up at me for a moment as if she were about to say something but then the words vanished. Her liquid eyes froze and she pushed back from me. And in that instant I knew I’d lost her, walls back up, retreating.
And she was gone, running back to her truck and away from me. I didn’t chase her. I was thrilled that I’d gotten through if only for a moment, if only through a kiss and not with words. But she was still resisting, unable to admit to herself that she felt something for me other than hatred, still pushing me out with her defensive walls. I’d made it clear that I had feelings for her, maybe not the depth of the feelings but certainly the existence of them. There was nowhere for me to go without forcing myself on her. I could only remain persistent. The change had to come from her. It was up to her now.