Fic: Gunpoint. AU RPS. Jensen/Jared. Soundtrack.
Masterpost
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue | Author's notes | Soundtrack | AO3
Downloadable as a zip file. [Links for individual songs are no longer active.]
1. Where it begins
A shout. A loud crack. His head jerks back as something warm splatters his face. He’s dropped on the ground. There’s a weird taste in his mouth. He sucks air into his lungs and, when he lets it out, it’s with a scream that won’t stop.
Lost In The Light (6:00) - Dikta | [Lyrics]
2. A life in headlines
Jensen knows he was kidnapped by a bad man and then rescued by the police. That much he’s been able to figure out from the memory flashes he has from that day and what little his parents will talk about in his presence. The bad man had been shot and, even if Jensen can’t remember it happening or find any scar on his body to prove it, he must have been shot as well, because he was stuck in the hospital for so long and everyone treated him like he had cancer or something.
No one ever talks to him about it though and the few times he’s tried asking by pointing a finger gun towards himself his mother freaks out and he has to spend at least two hours in an emergency meeting with his therapist. By now he’s stopped asking but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to know.
Blues From a Gun 3:24) - Sugar Ray | [Lyrics]
3. Fury
“Alright, honey,” their mother says. Her voice is flat. It’s always flat. Or broken. Or, sometimes, drunk. Jensen hates her too. He hates them all. Except maybe Mac. She’s too much of a baby.
Josh gets up, puts his plate in the sink. He’s limping but no one notices except Jensen. Everyone’s too busy pretending everything is okay to ever notice anything. Jensen notices everything. Like the way Josh stops in the doorway and looks back at him, his eyes filling up with tears before he runs up the stairs.
‘Crybaby,’ Jensen repeats but it doesn’t feel as satisfying as before. He stabs angrily at his beans. The knot in his stomach is so tight it hurts.
Shoreline (5:09) - Anna Ternheim | [Lyrics]
4. Leaving home
They gaze at each other in tense silence and then Jensen turns around and walks out of the house, across the lawn and climbs into Chris’s truck. After a brief hesitation Chris starts the engine and they drive off.
Bring Down Like I (3:54) - Anna Ternheim | [Lyrics]
5. Refugee
The duffel bag feels heavy as he hoists it up on his shoulder. Or maybe he should say light, considering it holds everything he owns now. He steps off the bus, knees aching after the long ride, and looks around, frowning a little before making a turn left.
Never Look Back (04:04) - Zach Berkman | [Lyrics]
6. Meeting Jared
There’s a strange feeling in his stomach. A little like excitement, he thinks, although that’s not really an emotion he’s sure how to identify.
Someone Else's Life (3:33) - Joshua Radin | [Lyrics]
7. The curse of an overactive imagination
Jensen shakes his head. “Imagine. I remember...” He takes the eraser and rubs it over the drawing until there’s nothing left but grey shades and smudges, then looks up at Jared, eyes solemn. Jared swallows and nods. He can’t imagine what that’s like, knowing something awful happened to you but having no memory of it.
“But I, I think...” Jensen adds suddenly and he turns the sheet over and starts drawing on the other side.
Ten Years Later (3:47) - Collective Soul | [Lyrics]
8. Dreamworld
Being with Jared is like walking in a world where Jensen’s own problems don’t matter. They’re still there, tripping him in every other step and bricking up his words within his head, but when he looks into Jared’s eyes and listens to him talk and laugh, Jensen forgets for a moment that he will never, ever be like that.
You and I (3:19) - Garou | [Lyrics]
9. The first fight
Jensen shakes his head. No. It’s too late. Jared is gone. He’s gone, and he’s not coming back. Jensen’s shoulders start to shake. His head hurts, and his throat hurts, and his eyes prickle all hot and itchy. Fuck. Crying really sucks.
The Boy's Gone (4:15) - Jason Mraz | [Lyrics]
10. Popping a cherry
As Jensen picks up the pace Jared’s mind goes slowly but surely insane. He thinks that has to be it, because there’s no way it can really feel this good. C’mon, it’s a dick in his ass. A big thick cock pushing into his very tight ass. How on earth can that feel this amazing?
Feels So Good (3:03) - Hera | [Lyrics]
11. Suicidal
The warm water beats upon his back and his lowered head. Rivers run down his cheeks and jump off his chin like a waterfall. He breathes in. Breathes out. He can hear his own heartbeat in his ears, blood rushing, whoosh, whoosh. He imagines it slowing down, until there’s just one slow beat after another. Boom, boom. Boom. Boom. Boom... And then finally, blessed silence.
Jensen nods to himself, his body relaxing as a sense of serenity washes over him. If that’s what it comes down to, it’s all right, he’s ready. He accepted his fate a long time ago, it’s only been a matter of when, and, frankly, he expected it to be sooner. He’s been screaming inside his head for twelve years. It will be nice to finally be quiet.
To Be Gone (2:47) - Anna Ternheim | [Lyrics]
12. Options: limited
He can’t do this anymore. He can’t live like this. He can’t.
It’s time he took the reins back. His life. It’s his life. And it’s up to him what happens next. His choice.
The Fight Song (4:31) - Ane Brun | [Lyrics]
13. Jared dealing
He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get how a child can be hurt, and abused and terrorized like that, can have its whole childhood ripped apart by monsters, and not spend the rest of its life screaming its head off in a padded cell. He thinks if someone had done something like that to him that’s where he’d have ended up.
War Hero (3:31) - Biggi Hilmars | [Lyrics]
14. A decision
“We’ll find someone. If this is what you want to do then we’ll find someone.” Jared hesitates, searching Jensen’s face for hints of what he’s thinking. Jensen looks at him with weary eyes. There’s a lump in Jared’s throat, and a feeling of hope he doesn’t dare give in to, not without confirmation. “Does that mean...? Are you planning on sticking around?”
Jensen closes his eyes and lays his head on Jared’s shoulder. He nods.
The Fear You Won’t Fall (3:05) - Joshua Radin | [Lyrics]
15. Parasite
‘I want this!’ he’d tell the damn kid if he just knew how to reach him. ‘I want this, you fucking moron. Stay out of my head. I’m not you. I’m not you anymore, don’t you get that? Don’t you fucking get that?’
David (5:01) - Dikta | [Lyrics]
16. Finding out
The difference between suspecting and knowing is like the difference between sand and quicksand. One tickles your feet, gets into every crack and fold, gnashes between your teeth, irritating and intruding. The other pulls you down and suffocates you.
Jensen is suffocating.
He stands in the shower, warm water beating upon his chilled skin, until his knees suddenly buckle, and he’s gliding down the wall like a glob of spit, hitting the bottom hard.
The Past Is Not For Real (2:48) - Britta Persson | [Lyrics]
17. Hope
“That’s me? I’m a butterfly?” Jensen’s smile grows even wider, and Jared can’t help grinning with him, even if he feels a little puzzled. Butterfly? Really? “Huh. That’s… gay.”
Jensen laughs again, pushing Jared lightly with the palm of his hand, like he can’t be assed to smack him properly.
“I’m kidding!” Jared leans forward to catch Jensen’s lips in a kiss. “I like it.” That’s an understatement. Jensen’s art can be hard to figure out sometimes, but it doesn’t take a genius to see what he’s trying to say with this one. And being a part of that revelation, however small and flimsy, touches Jared more than he can say.
Terrified (4:45) - Anna Ternheim | [Lyrics]
18. Reaching out
“Hello?”
Jared closes his eyes. “Mom, it’s me. Please don’t hang up! I just... I just want to talk to you.” He can hear her hitching her breath, and that’s all it takes for him to start crying. “I miss you. I miss all of you. I just...”
The line goes dead.
Save No Goodbyes (2:08) - Anna Ternheim | [Lyrics]
19. Getting there
He’d been terrified the whole time - well, most of it, towards the end he’d been too damn amazed to care about anything except Jared and his amazing fingers - but not of what Jared was doing, that had been fine. All his fears had been about the possible return of the kid, and of what that might do to Jared. In fact, he thinks, if they’d gone all the way, he would have been okay. Only reason he didn’t risk it was that if it had gone wrong, it would have ruined a so far perfect moment. There would be time for “real sex” later. Hopefully not much later though.
In Spite of Me (4:05) - Dikta | [Lyrics]
20. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives
“Right,” Jared says and takes a deep breath. “Ready?”
Jensen glances into the hall mirror, straightens the collar of his jacket and brushes a stray hair off his shoulder. Then he reaches for Jared’s hand. Their fingers slide together, palms clasp.
“Yes,” he says and smiles. “Let’s go.”
More Than This (4:06) - Fire Flies | [Lyrics]