Fic: Gunpoint. AU RPS. Jensen/Jared. Author's notes
Masterpost
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue | Author's notes | Soundtrack | AO3
Author's notes
I bet you thought I’d stopped writing all together, right? Well, I haven’t. Time just flies when you’re trying to be a “real” writer. Although the emphasis should be on the word ‘trying’.
I began writing this story three years ago, as a short break from the rather draining task of rewriting and editing Doors, which I had been working on for quite some time. I mean, it was fun but editing is quite different from writing something new and my brain was getting restless, it wanted to create a new world with new characters to play in. So this was supposed to be a quick piece, no more than ten pages. Three years later... Well, you see how well that worked out.
The idea of it came to me as I was watching some cop show or movie, I can’t remember what it was. There was a hostage situation involving a child, people were getting shot and all kinds of horrible things happening and it ended with the bank robber being killed, while still holding the child. After that the child was brought to its parents’ arms, no worse for the wear. And I thought, ‘Oh come on. That kid should be a basket case!’ I spent the rest of the evening thinking about this, imagining Sam and Dean facing all the horror they experienced as kids. Then I imagined Dean in a hostage situation while still quite young and wondered what the aftermath would be. Hmm, maybe I should write that, I thought. Could be fun. (Ha!)
Except then I went to bed and as I was lying there, still thinking about Dean, what came to me was what is now the first pre-story scene of this story, Jensen’s memory of the rescue. Jensen basically threw Dean out of the story and made his own place in my brain. I instantly knew that he wasn’t just held hostage, he was kidnapped and horrible things were done to him. Things he can’t remember but haunt him anyway. I sat up, took out my notebook and wrote that first scene down. Then I went to sleep. Jensen being mute didn’t even occur to me until I wrote the first scene with Jensen and Chris and however much Chris ranted, Jensen wouldn’t talk back. That is how he let me know. (Whoever thinks I decide what I write, you’re wrong. This was all him. Blame him!)
I soon realized I had taken on a task that was far beyond my level of knowledge. This needed research. A lot of it. See, this is where it pays to be a librarian. I found articles on PTSD (which is such a complex disorder, OMG), selective mutism (which I discovered Jensen couldn’t have), converse disorders (where mutism happens but almost never and usually just for a short while), disassociation, age regression, flashbacks etc. My pile got very high, I even recruited my mother (who is a psychiatrist) and my sister’s mother-in-law (who works at the psych department’s library) to find me stuff. And then I read and read and read. And read some more. About rapes and child molestation and depression and suicide tendencies and violence and self-harm. While at the same time lurking on PTSD forums (only those open to public), reading true stories so horrible you wouldn’t believe it. And yes, like Mike says, they are brutally honest, not just about themselves but to others who come looking for help. And then I read some more, learning more than I ever wanted to know about the horrors human beings put each other through.
Until one day I realized I was sinking into depression, listening to emo music all the time and seeing potential evil in everyone around me. Jared’s reaction in the story is pretty much mirroring my own misery. This is when I stopped doing research. I took a break from writing, read a lot of cute and cuddly coffeehouse J2 AU, made a playlist called Happy Music and cried over silly romcoms. Then, when I stopped feeling like I wanted to set the world on fire, I continued writing, hoping what I’d already learned from my research, would be enough to get me to the finish line.
So if there’s stuff that makes you go, ‘What? No, that’s not right,’ that might be why. I just couldn’t go back to that place. As long as it’s not something that’s actually harmfully wrong, (which I would like to know about because yikes!), I’d ask for your suspension of belief and will wave my poetic license flag enthusiastically. So basically, I tried as I could to make things believable but I obviously have no idea what I’m talking about. Nothing like this has happened to me or anyone around me, I don’t know anyone with PTSD, I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist. Bottom line, this is fanfic, not a research paper. Take everything with a grain of salt or even a fistful.
Some points:
* First, the biggest thank you EVER to winchestergirl!! *squishes her* I have to admit I have never wanted as much to be able to do art, as when writing this story. I could see every single piece Jensen did in my head, down to the smallest detail, and was itching to draw, even if I knew the outcome would probably be stick figures humping each other. Because there lies the limit of my amazing art skillz. But my actually amazing artist, winchestergirl, was such a champion, she managed to read my obscure descriptions and produce some magnificent pieces. To give you an idea of how INSANE I was, I gave her a list of the pieces mentioned in this story to work from, color coded from "Please do this one!!" to "Would be nice but not necessary" and it even had an "Uh no. We’re NOT doing that!" The list counted 88 items. 88!! I’m pretty sure the only reason she didn’t kill me on the spot was the fact that we’re on opposite sides of the planet. Obviously she didn’t do 88 pieces of art but she still did an amazing number and I love each and every one of them. Thank you, bb, for being amazing and for putting up with my insanity. You deserve all the cookies in the world. *squishes*
* candygramme read this monster and beta’d without complaining at all. I’ve made a lot of changes since then (sorry, love, I just couldn’t stop tweaking) so any and all mistakes are entirely my fault.
* Jensen Ackles (the real one) is amazing at conveying his characters’ thoughts and feeling with just his face. Or to quote the man himself: “I think you can say a lot without saying words.” I don’t think there are many other people that I would have felt confident placing in a role where communicating is done almost entirely with facial expressions and a few hand gestures. I would love them to do a (serious, not silly) silent SPN episode (it could be like a homage to Buffy’s “Hush”), I think it would be the best ever.
* I don’t think I’ve ever written as much crying as in this fic. I would feel weird about it except… well, I don’t. Jensen’s reaction is, as based on my research anyway, a rather realistic part of the dealing and healing progress. "But the other’s cry too. Men don’t cry! They’re too manly for that!" some might say. I don’t know about that, the men in my life are not ashamed to cry when the situation calls for it.
* On that same note, please remember Jared is only eighteen years old in this fic. He is basically still a kid. Just, you know, a legal one that can have sex a lot.
* I know people can go through horrible sexual abuse and not become anything like Jensen. In fact, I know people who have and are perfectly fine and live happy lives. The scars are still there but they don’t let them define them in any way. Jensen’s case is obviously not typical. It’s not even supposed to be anything close to typical. This is me exploring worst-case scenarios. Like when you read about the many horrible things people can go through and have to deal with and it says “most” when it comes to recovery? He is not most. He is that small tiny percent, the exception to the rule. Because that is what interested me.
* I know nothing about making coffee, I just drink a lot of latte. Also I might love latte art. Because I’m dorky like that.
* I used to know a woman who did art therapy with children. I have no idea if her methods were anything like my Sam’s in this. Probably not.
* If the story feels disjointed at parts it’s because the pre-story scenes were rather evenly distributed at the beginning and then as the story got longer and longer I had no pre-story stuff left to write about and just kept on with the main story which made the frequent flashbacks in the beginning look really weird. I took them all out, contemplated posting them all together as a prologue but finally decided to use them as intros to each chapter. So yeah, the first Jensen+Chris scene, it’s a bit weird, isn’t it? That’s because two of the pre-story scenes about Jensen were originally placed before it. I just didn’t know how to make it better. Sorry.
* I’m pretty sure I could write a fic based on nothing but Anna Ternheim’s music.
* I have been accused of over-victimizing Jensen, always making him the main woobie emo character. This story will probably do nothing to diffuse those accusations. Sorry. But, you know, you could always just find something else to read. Lots of good stories by amazing writers out there. All you got to do is look.
* "How could Chris not realize that it’s not that Jensen doesn’t want to talk but he can’t talk, isn’t he his best friend?" is a legitimate question because I know it seems weird. Well, according to what I read, selective mutes (which Jensen isn’t but in this regard the same applies) face this problem all the time, even from their parents who have known them their whole lives. People think it’s a choice (that’s why it was first called elective mutism but they fairly recently changed it to a more accurate term), that they stay silent to avoid conversations. People don’t realize they actually can’t talk in certain situations and instead they’re labeled as stubborn and rude etc. There are many great YouTube videos about selective mutism, if you want to see what it’s like from their perspective. Anyway, even if I decided Jensen didn’t have selective mutism because too much didn’t fit, (Like that contrary to popular belief (Hollywood) it’s not usually caused by trauma but is in fact an anxiety disorder that has the same causes as other anxiety disorders, meaning most times none. Shit just happens.) I could find so little about conversion mutism that I just had to go with whatever felt right and I’m sure I fucked it up. But basically, I went with his mutism being psychosomatic, caused by being told by his abuser to not talk or tell. So every time he tries to talk or write or sign, his brain stops him from talking, out of self-preservations. I know, it’s not very scientific but then again, this is fiction.
* Jensen’s amnesia is probably caused not only by emotional trauma but by the heavy blood loss his brain suffered before and during the surgery. I’m not planning to have him regain his memories. Ever.
* Fuller is not supposed to be Kurt Fuller. Honestly, I thought I’d picked a name that wasn’t associated with anyone and then I was watching SPN and Kurt Fuller’s name pops up on the screen and I went, “Oh yeah... Fuck.” I’ve been trying to find another one but nothing comes to mind. But in my head Jensen’s kidnapper looks nothing like Kurt Fuller, just so you know. He doesn’t really look like anyone, just creepy.
* I’ve been writing this so long I’ve had to change the years on the past scenes twice to move the present scenes to actual present. (Story now starts autumn 2012.) So if any of them are wrongly calculated, I might have missed some.
* Chad celebrates his and Danneel’s one-year anniversary all by himself, seeing as she still has no idea they’re dating. Or maybe she does and is silently enjoying all the attention but thinks he should have the balls to actually ask her out before she puts him out of his misery. (I don’t know why I’m always so cruel to Chad. Poor thing. *pets him*)
* Does Jared ever reconcile with his parents? I wouldn’t hold my breath. Not for them or his brother. Megan though… Let’s hope, okay?
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Printed Resources I still have lying around
Unfortunately I've long ago lost the links to many online resources. And some of these weren't even helpfull since they weren't relevant to my needs. I just can't remember which ones so I'm just putting them all here. But like I said, it's been over two years since I read them so...
"Disorders of Hysterical Conversion" by B.K.Toone, p. 207-234 in Physical Symptoms and Psychologival Illness, 1990
Current Concepts of Somatization: Research and Clinical Perspectives by Laurense J. Kirmayer, 1991
"Conversion Mutism: Case Report and Discussion" by Thorpe, Keegan and Veeman in Can. J. Psychiatry, vol. 30 Feb. 1985
"Childhood Trauma, the Neurobiology of Adaption & Use-dependent Development of the Brain: How States Become Traits" by Perry, Pollard, Blakley, Baker and Vigilante in Infant Mental Health Journal, 1996
"Dissociation and Neurobiological Consequences of Traumatic Stress" by Petr Bob in Activitas Nervosa Superior, vol. 50, 1-2, 2008
"The Effect of Hypnotically Induced Somatoform dissociation on the Development of Intrusion After an Aversive Film" by Hagenaars, van Minnen, Holmes, Brewin and Hoogduin in Cognition and Emotion, 2008, 22 (5), 944-963
"Dissociative Symptomatology in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Disorder of Extreme Stress" by Zucker, Spinazzola, Blaustein and van der Kolk in Journal of Trauma and Dissociation 7:1, 19-31 2006
"Psychogenic Voice Disorders and Traumatic Stress Experience: A Discussion Paper with Two Case Reports" by Janet Baker in Journal of Voice, vol. 17, no. 3, 308-318 (2003)
"Organic Syndromes Diagnosed as Conversion Disorders: Identification and Frequency in a Study of 85 Patients" by Moene, Landberg, Hoogduin, Spinhoven, Hertzberger, Kleyweg and Weeda in Journal of Psychosomatic Research 49 (2000) 7-12
"THe Problem of Psychogenic Symproms: Is The Psychiatric Community in Denial?" by Selim R. Benbadis in Epilepsy and behavious 6 (2005) 9-14
"Life Events and Difficulties in Relation to the Onset of Globus Pharyngis" by Harris, Deary and Wilson in Journal of Psychosomatic Research, vol. 40, no. 6, 603-615 (1996)
"Current and Emerging Concepts in Muscle Tension Dysphonia: A 30-Month Review" by Altman, Atkinson and Lazarus in Journal of Voice, vol. 19, no. 2, 261-267 (2205)
"Charles West: A 19th Century Perspective on Acquired Childhood Aphasia" by Hellal and Lorch in Journal of Neurolinguistics 18 (2005) 345-360
"The Black Box in Somatization: Unexplained Physical Symptoms, Culture and Narratives of Trauma" by Waitzkin and Magana in Soc. Sci. Med. vol. 45, no. 6, 811-825 (1997)
"Comprehensive Management of Psychogenic Dysphonia: A Case Illustration" by Sudhir, Chandra, Shivashankar and Yamini in Journal of Communication Disorders 42 (2009) 305-312
"Psychogenic Spasmodic Dysphonia: A Case Study with Expert Opinions" by Shimon Sapir in Journal of Voice, vol. 9, no. 3 270-281 (1995)
"Dysphonia: A Speech and Language Therapy Perspective" by R. Myers in Journal of Bodywork and Moveent Therapies, 1999 3(3) 126-133
"The Question of Symptom Lateralization in Conversion Disorder" by Roelofs, Narin, Moene and Hoogduin in Journal of Psychosomatic Research 49 (2000) 21-25
"Psychogenic Dysphonia: Peeling Back the Layers" by Janet Baker in Journal of Voice, vol 12, no. 4 527-535 (1998)
"Are There Two Qualitatively Distinct Forms of Dissociation? A Review and Some Clinical Implications" by Holmes, Brown, Mansell, Fearon, Hunter, Frasquilho and Oakley in Clinical Psychology Review 25 (2005) 1-23
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th ed. Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) (Chapters: "300.11 Conversion Disorder", "300.12 Dissociative Amnesia (formerly Psychogenic Amnesia)", "309.81 Postraumatic Stress Disorder", "313.23 Selective Mutism (formerly Elective Mutism)", "333.7 Neuroleptic-Induced Acute Dysphonia", "Panic Attack" and "Dissociative Trance Disorder".)