Fic: Gunpoint. AU RPS. Jensen/Jared. Chapter 7
Masterpost
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue | Author's notes | Soundtrack | AO3
Chapter 7
August 2004
“So... high school. How’s that going?”
Jensen shrugs.
“Do you like your teachers?”
He grimaces. They all stare at him. All the time. He hates it.
“Any new friends?”
Jensen shakes his head. He doesn’t need new friends. He has Chris looking out for him. Has had ever since he broke Chris’s nose in sixth grade.
“How about girlfriends?”
He shakes his head again. His jaw makes a small click when he bites his teeth together, hard.
“Jensen, do you like girls?”
Jensen stares at the floor.
“Do you like boys?”
He closes his eyes.
“Jensen?”
Breathe. Breathe. He glances quickly at the door. It’s closed. What if it’s locked? He stands up abruptly but she gets up as well, blocking his way.
“You are safe. It’s okay. Just sit down. Talk to me.”
He shakes his head. The walls are closing in. Everything smells of sweat and blood and cigarettes. His mouth feels sticky.
“I want to go home,” he whispers and she sucks in her breath.
“Oh. Oh my. That is such a beautiful voice, Jensen. I would love to hear you talk some more. Come, sit down. Please, Jensen. Stay and talk to me.”
Jensen runs his tongue under his front teeth, trying to shave the taste off. His mouth is thick with it. He needs to spit. He wants to throw up. “Please. Let me go. I want to go.”
“Jensen...”
“I need to go! Let me go! Let me go, let me go, LET ME GO!”
------------
Present day
The next week it feels like everyone is tiptoeing around, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Strangely enough Jensen is the only one who seems more or less the same. If anything he’s more relaxed, even talking more easily than he used to. Which only has Jared more on edge.
“I don’t get it,” he tells Chad. They’re at The Black Bean, supposed to be studying, but Chad is on his laptop - looking at porn Jared suspects - and Jared can’t take his eyes off Jensen who’s silently serving behind the counter. Not the first time. He spends more time here than in their dorm or the library. He sometimes even skips class, although he doesn’t tell Jensen that. It’s stupid but he feels this need to keep an eye on Jensen, just in case. “He was freaking out and now... It’s like nothing happened.”
“Maybe he’s blocked it all out,” Chad suggests with a shrug. “That’s what he does, right?”
“It doesn’t work like that,” Jared says, although he’s not sure. Jensen looks up then, rolling his eyes when he notices Jared staring. Jared looks away, blushing, and tries to concentrate on the book in front of him. Less than two minutes later he’s back to watching Jensen, and this time, when Jensen catches him at it, Jared doesn’t even try to pretend, just smiles and gives Jensen a little wave. Jensen shakes his head, but he’s smiling, and it makes Jared’s heart flutter now as it does every time.
“I’m worried,” he says in a low voice even if he knows Jensen can’t hear him over the noise of light chatter and coffee brewing. “Shit, I’m fucking terrified. If he... I don’t know what I’d do.”
Chad looks up at that. “Dude,” he says, clearly uncomfortable.
“I know, I just...” He swallows. “This is it. I know I’m young and all that shit, but this is it for me. He’s it. And if he... If I lose him I don’t think I will ever be okay.”
“Then make sure you don’t lose him,” Chad says, voice suddenly hard. “Put him on suicide watch, hide the kitchen knives, whatever. Make sure he knows what it will do to you if he decides to jump off a bridge.”
“I’m pretty sure he knows,” Jared says glumly.
Chad shakes his head. “You told me he doesn’t get why your problems with your family mean so much to you. He obviously doesn’t get how fucked up Chris is because of him. What makes you think he understands what it would do to you if he dies? Seriously, man, from what you’ve been telling me, I’d say he thinks he’d be doing you a favor. He probably figures once he’s gone, you can forget all about him and find someone who’s normal and not a psycho.”
Jared stares at him. “He can’t be thinking like that. That’s just... No. Come on. He knows I love him. He loves me. When he thought I was gonna hurt myself, because you told him I might, you asshole, he freaked out. He said it, he wouldn’t know what to do if something happened to me. He told me so.”
“So?” Chad sighs when Jared glares at him. “Dude, just because he doesn’t think he can live without your sorry ass doesn’t mean he understands you feel the same way. You said it yourself, he doesn’t understand why other people care. About anything. You’re the only one in the whole world that he cares about while you have lots of people. You love your family, even if they are complete asshats. You have friends, like moi, who are awesome. You could walk into a room, and when you walk out again you’d have ten new BFFs hanging on your arm. From where he’s standing, you’re good and taken care of, whether he’s here or not.”
“That is such bullshit,” Jared shoots back angrily. “I don’t make friends that easily. No offense, but if you weren’t my roommate I’d never have even talked to you, because you’re kind of an asshole.”
“I’m a very lovable asshole,” Chad protests. “And whatever, doesn’t matter what you think, okay? It matters what he thinks. And from what you’re telling me I’m guessing he doesn’t think he’s worth getting heartbroken over.”
Jared swallows. He looks over at Jensen, who’s purposefully ignoring some frat boy who’s bitching over there not being enough foam in his cappuccino. Jared happens to know Jensen makes a perfect cappuccino, so either the guy is just being a jerk, or Jensen deliberately fucked up the guy’s drink, because he didn’t like him. Either way he clearly doesn’t give a shit.
Not that you can really compare coffee to life but Chad still has a point. Jensen doesn’t care what people say or think about him, because he doesn’t believe himself to be important enough that it matters. Even if he knows people care about him, love him even, it’s a feeling he’s sure they’ll get over once he’s gone. That kind of thinking is not only tragic, it’s very dangerous.
“So what do I do? How can I make him understand that I’ll be just as devastated without him as he’d be without me?”
Chad snorts. “Dude, what makes you think I know the answer to that? Longest relationship I’ve had is with Danneel, and that’s only because she has no idea we’re dating. Far as she knows I’m just a very enthusiastic reader that likes to bring her coffee.”
Jared sighs. “Right. Yeah. Tell her thanks next time you see her,” he adds, glancing at his bag that’s stuffed full with printed out material about everything you never wanted to know about how fucked up people’s lives can get. “I can tell she went through a lot of trouble.”
Chad smiles. “Man, she’s hot when she’s all sexy librarian. She keeps playing with this pencil, you know? Tapping it against her nose and scratching herself behind the ear and sometimes she just... sucks on it.” He sighs, eyes glazed over. “Once she knew what you needed it for she was all a-fire. Such a turn on.”
Jared glares at him. “Dude, you told her?” he hisses. “What the fuck, man?”
Chad blinks out of whatever dirty fantasy he’d been slipping into and looks at Jared annoyed. “No. I told her you needed material on PTSD and mutism and, she said, ‘Oh, is this about Jensen?’ Turns out her niece comes here every Thursday. The kid’s pretty much wallpapered her room with your boy’s drawings.”
“Oh.” He gives Chad a rather sheepish smile. “Just don’t mention it to Jensen, okay? Not sure how he’d feel about me researching his brain.”
“I think you underestimate my complete lack of caring,” Chad snorts, as if he wasn’t Dear Abby-ing a minute ago. “Look, are you about done? Can we get out of here?”
Jared shakes his head. “You go. I’m gonna wait for Jensen’s break. Which should be...” He smiles as Jensen rips off his apron and throws it at Chris’s head before picking up two cups of steaming coffee. “Right about now.”
“I’m guessing neither of those are for me,” Chad mutters. “Dude, you get both sex and free coffee. How’s that fair?”
“I don’t get free coffee!” Jared protests, not mentioning that he’s not really getting any sex either. “It’s refill.”
“Uhuh. Of the last cup you paid for which would have been... Monday.”
“Shut up,” Jared says, his cheeks reddening.
Jensen reaches the table just then and hands Jared his coffee with a smile, ignoring Chad completely. He puts his own mug down on the table then hooks his finger under Jared’s chin, tilting his head up for a kiss. It starts out light, until Jared lays his free hand on Jensen’s hip, and Jensen breathes a small sound into Jared’s mouth, and just like that they’re really kissing with Jensen’s fingers caught in Jared’s hair, and the whole world spinning behind Jared’s closed eyelids. It’s not until he feels the heat of the mug burning his palm that he pulls back, a little out of breath and his face flushed.
“Hello to you, too,” he whispers.
Jensen smiles and kisses him again, just a quick one this time that still has Jared chasing his mouth as he pulls away. Jensen slides into the other side of the booth, hiding his grin behind the mug when Jared pouts at him. Chad is gone, leaving his empty mug and ‘U guys R gross’ written on his napkin. Jared snatches it and twists it into a ball before giving Jensen an apologetic smile.
“I think he’s jealous,” he says. “Poor guy has a lousy love life.”
Jensen chuckles and sips his coffee. He gestures at Jared’s book and raises his eyebrow. Jared shrugs.
“Quiz on Monday,” he says, grimacing slightly. “Why did I switch to English literature again? This crap is so boring.”
Jensen rolls his eyes. He reaches over and flips the book to read the cover and his face splits in a grin. He looks up at Jared and bats his eyes, smiling coquettishly.
“Yes, Romeo and Juliet,” Jared says, feeling himself blush. “Shut up.”
Jensen’s smile softens. He pulls the book closer and flips through the pages, eyebrows drawn together in thought. After a while he stops, tapping his finger on the page in front of him. He clears his throat and says, “My favorite part.”
Jared turns the book over, the cold pit in his stomach expanding when he reads the passage Jensen is referring to.
‘Give me my Romeo: and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun.’
Maybe it’s just because of it being so much on his mind lately, but he really doesn’t like Jensen talking about death, even if he’s quoting Shakespeare. It just feels too ominous.
Quickly Jared skims through the pages until he finds what he’s looking for and reads it out loud:
“Ah, dear Juliet,
Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe
That unsubstantial death is amorous,
And that the lean abhorred monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour?
For fear of that, I still will stay with thee;
And never from this palace of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain.”
He looks up, fixing Jensen with a stare that is met with a confused gaze, like Jensen can sense Jared is trying to tell him something, he just doesn’t get what.
“They couldn’t live without each other,” Jared says quietly. “He couldn’t live without her and when she discovered he had killed himself, she took her own life as well. That’s how much they loved each other.”
Jensen rolls his eyes. “World’s first emo victims,” he snorts.
Jared cracks a small smile. Jensen isn’t exactly wrong, he’s just not getting the point Jared is trying to make. “What would you do if I died?” he asks.
Jensen freezes. He stares at Jared, eyes big and incredulous. He opens his mouth but this time nothing comes out and he snaps it close again, lips twisting furiously. He tries again and ends up coughing until he’s gasping for breath. Jared reaches across the table in alarm, taking Jensen’s hand and squeezing it.
“Hey. Hey, stop. I was only... Jensen, it’s okay.”
Jensen shakes his head. He looks extremely upset, there are tears in his eyes that Jared is sure aren’t just from choking.
“Jensen, I’m not gonna die. It was just a question. I was just... It was stupid, okay? Hey, look at me.”
But Jensen keeps shaking his head, eyes searching until they set on Jared’s bag and he snatches a couple of printed pages from it. Jared’s heart jumps up in his throat. “Jensen, wait...” he says but Jensen is already flipping them over, not even bothering to check what they are. He grabs Jared’s pencil and starts drawing, his jaw set tight and eyes blinking rapidly.
Jared expects Jensen to draw a grave or maybe his own dead body but what he gets is a picture of himself with a bubble that says ‘blahblahblah,’ and Jensen watching, his mouth stitched shut, and his heart crumbling like a sandcastle. Jensen shoves the drawing at Jared and angrily mouths what looks like ‘Not fair’. Jared swallows. Jensen is right. It’s not fair asking him questions he can’t answer, especially not questions like that.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I forget sometimes that...” He stops, not sure how to say it. “It was inconsiderate. I wasn’t thinking.”
Jensen huffs. He taps the pencil against his coffee mug, frowning. Then he takes another page and starts drawing again. It’s a window, looking out over nothing. Empty, dirty landscape, nothing but sand and rocks and gravel.
“What’s that?” Jared asks quietly.
Jensen doesn’t answer right away, he touches the drawing with his fingertips, biting his lips together and breathing slowly. Then he looks up and says, “My life. If you die.”
Jared nods, swallowing the lump in his throat. “What about me if you die?”
Jensen purses his lips, eyebrows knotting. He steals another page and quickly draws a sad teary-eyed Jared.
“That’s all?”
Jensen just looks at him.
“Jensen, if you die... If you die I’m not just gonna cry a little. Or a lot,” he adds sharply when Jensen condescendingly adds another tear. “Man, you’re so... You just don’t get it, do you?”
He leans forward, gazing into Jensen’s eyes. “That thing you feel? That empty nothing you imagine your life will be without me? That’s love, okay? That’s because you love me.”
Jensen gives him a pointed ‘Duh’ look and Jared can’t help smiling, just a little.
“Well, I love you, too. So that?” He points at the drawing of the window. “That’s how I imagine my life without you.”
Jensen frowns and starts to shake his head, but Jared quickly cuts him off.
“Don’t. Don’t do that to me again. My feelings matter, Jensen. I matter. You need to get it into your thick head that my feelings are just as real as yours. That I love you just as much as you love me. What makes you think I’d handle losing you any better than you’d handle losing me?”
Jensen bites his lip. He looks uncertain; his eyes flickering from Jared to the drawing of the window then back again, like he’s not sure what to believe.
“Look, I understand why you’d rather die than relive what happened to you,” Jared says quietly.
Jensen goes still, his eyes dropping to the table. He fumbles with the pencil in his hand and ends up dropping it so it rolls off the edge and to the floor. Neither of them moves to pick it up.
“I can’t blame you for thinking like that. But... Jensen, if you did? It would ruin me. It would completely destroy me. And I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty, I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I need you to understand that, how much you mean to me.”
Jensen swallows. He presses his lips together, his Adam’s apple bobbing repeatedly in his throat. A tear drops from the tip of his nose, leaving a wet spot on the page in front of him, and he wipes quickly at his face with the back of his hand. He nods.
“Okay,” Jared breathes out. “Good. Good.”
Jensen nods again and then he suddenly slides out of the booth and stands up, leaving his coffee and the drawings on the table. He hurries right past Chris who’s working the counter and disappears into the back room, closing the door behind him. Chris looks surprised at the closed door before glancing over at Jared, lifting his eyebrows in question.
Jared sighs. He wants to believe something good just happened, but he can’t be too sure. What he wouldn’t give for just a small glimpse inside Jensen’s head, just to know what he’s thinking.
Then again, considering what’s in there, maybe not.
Chris finishes ringing up the customer’s bill and walks over. “What the hell was that about?”
“I was testing a theory,” Jared says tired. “Then trying to disprove it.”
“Okay, that makes no sense,” Chris says. He looks at the drawings on the table, frowning. “What’s that?”
“That,” Jared says, rubbing his eyes, “is how he thinks our lives will be if the other dies. Mine without him. His without me.”
Chris’s frown deepens for a moment until it obviously dawns on him, and he sighs. “Right. Of course. God, he’s such an idiot. So, did you manage to explain to him how stupid he’s being?”
“I don’t know. I hope so.” He glances over at the closed door. “What do you think he’s doing in there?”
“Crying again would be my bet.” Chris sits down, eyes still on the drawings. “He’s having real trouble controlling it. It pisses him off to no end.” He smiles a little, but it looks sad. “How are you?”
Jared looks at him surprised. “I’m good. School keeps me busy. And Jensen. Other than that... Not much going on.”
Chris nods. “You hear from your parents yet?”
Jared drops his gaze. He shakes his head. “Don’t think I will. My brother made it pretty clear I wasn’t part of the family anymore.”
“Well, your brother is an asshole. Don’t listen to him. They might still come around. What about your sister? You try talking to her?”
“Can we not talk about this?” Jared cuts him off. “It’s over and done with, okay? Nothing more to say about it.”
Chris watches him for a moment then shrugs. “Fair enough. Just remember we’re here for you if you ever do want to talk.” The bell above the door pings, and he looks up, sighing. “Back to the trenches,” he says and stands up. “If you wanna go back there be my guest.”
“I will. In a minute.” He watches Chris leave then stuffs the drawings back into his bag. He finishes his coffee, slowly to give Jensen a little time alone, before standing up and gathering his things.
At first he thinks the backroom is empty but then he realizes the bundled up blanket on the couch is actually Jensen, curled up underneath. Jared hesitates. He’s so not in any shape emotionally to deal with little kid Jensen if that’s who’s hiding under there.
“Jensen, hey. You okay?”
Jared dumps his things on the floor and sits down on the edge of the couch, pulling gently at the blanket.
Jensen is fast asleep. He looks young and vulnerable, his eyes swollen and pink, and his lips dry and cracked. Jared rubs his thumb lightly over Jensen’s temple, feeling the steady pulse underneath the thin skin. He leans over and presses his lips to it. Jensen doesn’t stir.
Jared leans back and sighs. He pulls his bag over by the strap and finds his book again. Might as well get some reading done while he’s keeping watch.
--------------
“Hello, Jensen.”
Jensen squeezes his eyes shut. ‘You’re not real. You’re dead. You’re dead.’ But it’s no use. He can feel himself shrinking, arms and legs shortening where they curl into his body, his heart growing smaller and smaller until it beats as fast as a baby bunny’s.
“Isn’t this nice? Just you and me again. I’ve missed you. You were such a sweet boy. My favorite.”
A hand strokes over his head, playfully ruffling his hair. He jerks away, but the room is too small, and there’s no place to hide. There’s nowhere to go. He has nowhere to go anymore.
“That’s right. Not without breaking your precious little boyfriend’s heart. Tell him thanks for me, will you?” The voice laughs. “You know what this means? It means you can never get away. I’m always going to be here. For the rest of your life. Your very, very long miserable life.” The laughter is light, almost giddy. “Oh, we’re gonna have so much fun!”
“Don’t you know I hate waking up to find you gone?”
Jared kisses Jensen on the ear, and he smiles briefly, eyes never moving from the canvas in front of him. His fingers are flecked with charcoal and paint.
“It’s the middle of the night,” Jared continues. “Can you even see anything?”
Jensen shrugs, not really listening. His eyes burn, everything is a little blurry, but he doesn’t want to stop, not now. He rolls his shoulders, feeling the ache in his muscles roll with them from one nerve point to another. He has no idea what time it is, how long he’s been at it. There are two discarded paintings lying stacked in the corner, the paint slowly drying, sticking them together and leaving stains on the floor. He doesn’t care. It’s not about quality, it’s about getting it out of his head, out of his system. Like letting off steam, one blow at a time, easing the pressure until it becomes bearable. Until he can breathe and smile and act like he’s not screaming in terror inside his head.
“You have work in about five hours,” Jared says. He’s running his fingers over the tight knots in Jensen’s back, his voice worried. “You need sleep, man.”
Jensen nods. He knows. He hasn’t been sleeping well, and when he does... The voice, the voice he knows is His, even if it’s so different from the screams and yells he remembers from that day, is always there, refusing to shut up. He thinks he’d prefer it if He yelled. The soft happy voice in his dreams sounds too human, too fucking normal. Like it could belong to anyone. It makes the things He’s saying sound so innocent. Like maybe it’s Jensen’s mind that is warped and twisted. That he’s the one seeing something perverted in what was just some guy being nice to him.
‘You are such a sweet boy,’ the voice keeps telling him, saccharine sweet and tinted with something Jensen can’t put to words, but it makes him want to curl up and scream until he dies. ‘Such a sweet little boy. My sweet little boy.’
The words felt so familiar, but it wasn’t until this morning, when he’d woken up sick to his stomach that he’d realized where he knew them from. It’s what his mother kept telling him in the hospital. Warm hands hesitantly stroking his cheeks, because he couldn’t bear for her to hug him. ‘My boy. My sweet little boy,’ she’d said with tears running down her face. He can still clearly hear the grief and desperate love in her voice, even if he couldn’t, and still can’t, appreciate her emotions.
The words are the same but what they promise is very different. Jensen has no doubt that if indeed He ever said those words He meant them in the worst possible way anyone could imagine. My. Sweet. Boy.
God, he’s just so scared. Two weeks now, and it’s like he’s walking a tight line, with ‘just fucked up’ on one side, and ‘royally fucked up beyond repair’ lurking on the other, waiting for him to fall into its clutches. If this keeps up he has no doubt on which side he will end up.
Before he’d at least had a way out if things went to hell. It wasn’t ideal, but it was something. Something he could rely on no matter what happened. Just knowing he had that option made everything feel lighter, easier, to the point that he’d felt almost liberated from the threat. Until Jared had fucked that all up for him.
If Jared was telling the truth, if that is really what losing Jensen will do to him... Well, then that’s not an option anymore. And then what else is left? Nothing, that’s what. Nothing at all. So what’s he supposed to do? What the hell is he supposed to do? He’s on a fast track to his worst possible nightmare coming true, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Nothing!
“Are you sure you’re all right?” Jared asks, naked chest against Jensen’s sweaty back, one arm loose around his waist. Hair brushing the side of his face. It smells like Jensen’s shampoo, all lemon-scented and fresh.
Jensen closes his eyes. There’s a lump in his throat that never seems to go away these days. It makes it hard to breathe, has him bursting out in stupid tears for no good reason, and it makes talking goddamn impossible. He hasn’t been able to get a single word out all week, not even with the kids. His throat feels like he’s coughed it raw and bloody, but it’s no use, the words won’t come. Whatever steps he had taken toward recovery he’s sliding down the hill so fast now it won’t be long until he falls off the edge altogether.
“I love you,” Jared says softly. “So much. And if there’s... Don’t keep it all to yourself. Tell me. I want to help.”
Jensen almost starts laughing. ‘You’re why I’m in this damn mess, stupid. You and your stupid love and your stupid feelings and- Fuck, Jared, why did you have to make me care?’
He leans back against Jared’s chest, tilting his head just a little so Jared’s chin fits better on his shoulder, and concentrates on breathing. Just as well he can’t talk. Don’t matter how much he wants to blame Jared, truth is he’d rather feel like this with Jared right by his side than feel nothing without him.
“Is this what you see when you close your eyes?” Jared asks quietly, nodding toward the painting in front of them. It’s dark, so dark it feels like it’s sucking the light out of the room, but deep in the darkness there is someone, watching. Waiting.
Jensen shakes his head. He doesn’t see Him but he can feel Him. Lurking. Waiting to pounce. He doesn’t know how to explain that to Jared though, not without words. Jared sighs but he doesn’t ask Jensen to elaborate. It’s like he’s stopped expecting Jensen to talk after less than a week of silence.
‘Did you know,’ Jensen wants to say, ‘that from the time I woke up in the hospital until sometime my first year in high school I didn’t say a word? Not one. People thought I was brain damaged. Even my parents did until a brain scan showed them there was nothing wrong. I think they wanted there to be. I think they’d rather I was brain damaged than a fucking mental case.’
“Come back to bed, Jen,” Jared says tiredly. “Please.”
Jensen’s lips twitch. He’s not sure he likes the nickname Jared keeps using. It sounds girly. Chris sometimes calls him Jenny when he’s being exceptionally annoying. If Jensen could he’d retort with Christine or Chrissy but instead he just flips Chris the finger or, if he’s really pissed off, shoves him. It’s childish, but so is calling him a nickname Chris knows he hates, so really, it’s his own fault.
Jared says, “Please,” again, and Jensen reluctantly puts his brushes in a jar of turpentine, not caring that it’ll bend the soft hairs. He should clean up, but he’s too tired, so he just rubs at his hands with wet wipes. He’ll shower before going to work tomorrow.
He shivers a little as he crawls under the covers. He’s clammy with cold drying sweat, and his feet and arms feel like ice. Jared spoons up behind him, one arm loose around his chest but it’s still too much, and he goes rigid, his breathing reduced to shallow hitches. Jared instantly lets him go with a quick, “Sorry” and shifts until they’re not touching anymore.
Jensen closes his eyes. ‘I’m sorry,’ he thinks. ‘I’m the asshole here, not you.’
They lie in silence. The moon shines in through the windows, big, and bright and tragic.
“Is it because...” Jared pauses. Jensen can hear him swallow. “Of what we did?”
Jensen shakes his head. He’s not scared of that, not specifically. That’s not why they haven’t... That’s not why. He’s just scared. He’s just so damn scared. Of everything. Waiting for something to trigger him, for something to set it off. A sound, a smell, a touch. Anything. Including that.
“Is it me?” Jared asks, his voice shaking a little. “Am I making you worse? Maybe I shouldn’t...”
Jensen rolls over, grabbing Jared by the neck and kissing him hard. Jared lets out a small surprised noise but then he breathes out and kisses back, one large hand loosely cupping the back of Jensen’s head.
‘I love you,’ Jensen tries to say. ‘I’m sorry I scare you so much. I’m sorry I’m such a fucking headcase. I’m sorry I-’ He grits his teeth. Oh. Come. On.
“Sshh, it’s all right.” Jared wipes Jensen’s cheek with his thumb, smiling when he gets a scowl in return. “Still hating that whole crying thing, huh?”
Jensen hits Jared half-heartedly in the chest then buries his face in his neck, eyes squeezed shut. Yes, he hates it. He really, really fucking hates it. He’s a grown man for fuck’s sake! It’s humiliating and annoying, and it makes his throat hurt, which he really has enough of already, thank you very much.
“I’m sorry,” Jared says, voice serious. “I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you ask me to. I promise. Okay?”
Jensen nods, forehead still pressing into Jared’s chest. That’s not really the point he was trying to make, but it’s good to know just the same. He slides his hand down to Jared’s hip, rubbing small circles with his thumb over the hipbone. He can feel Jared’s breath brushing his hair, warm and a little erratic. His own breathing is deliberately slow, calculated. He slips his fingers a little lower, but his hand starts trembling, and he pulls back again, clenching his jaw in frustration.
“It’s okay,” Jared whispers. His voice sounds a little strangled. “It’s late and we both need sleep.”
‘It’s not okay,’ Jensen thinks, angry. ‘It’s not fucking okay.’ He sucks in air through his nose, filling his lungs, then grinds his teeth in determination and reaches down, grabbing Jared’s cock.
“Shit! Jensen...”
It’s barely half-hard, so soft and vulnerable in his hand, but all it takes is a couple of strokes, and he can feel it fill into his grip, warm and pulsating. Jared hitches his breath.
“Wait. Jen, you don’t have to-”
Jensen lifts his head, shutting him up with a hard kiss. He’s breathing loudly through his nose, eyes wide open, his heart hammering so hard in his chest it hurts. His movements are erratic, rough, and he keeps losing his rhythm again and again. Jared pulls away from his mouth with a gasp. He tries to grab Jensen’s wrist, but he shakes him off with a growl. He’s gonna do this if it kills him.
“Jensen, come on. Baby, you’re crying. Don’t do this. Don’t... Fuck. Jensen!”
The last word is hardly a whisper, just a soft gasp, and then Jared’s coming, spilling over his fingers. Jensen lets him go abruptly, wiping his hand frantically on the sheet. He’s shaking, tears stinging his eyes, and sweat tickling the back of his neck. He rolls over, sucking in fresh air from the quiet room. Jared is breathing raggedly behind him, and from the bed across the room Chris lets out a snore, too loud to be genuine.
Jensen closes his eyes. Fuck. He’d forgotten they weren’t alone. And now it’s going to be awkward, and Chris is going to want to talk and... Crap.
“Why did you do that?” Jared whispers. He sounds choked up, like he’s close to crying himself. “Shit, Jensen, I didn’t ask you for that. I’m not...” He swallows loudly. “You don’t owe me anything. Don’t you get that? Don’t you get I’m... God.”
Jensen pretends he can’t hear him. He’s still shaking, his breath coming in small cut-off hitches. After a long while Jared sighs, and Jensen can hear him wipe at his nose.
“Get some sleep,” he says in a low voice. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Jensen waits until he can hear Jared’s breathing slow down and change into soft snores before he dares opening his eyes. He lies staring out into the dark, waiting.
Nothing happens.
----------
Jared wakes up to Jensen’s mouth on his dick. He tries to pull away, but Jensen digs his fingers into his thigh and holds him still, an angry growl vibrating around Jared’s cock. It doesn’t take much more than that before he’s coming, gasping Jensen’s name and fumbling for his hand, sleep still muddling his brain. Jensen lets him abruptly go, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows with a grimace, and then he’s gone, bathroom door closing behind him. Jared lies staring up at the ceiling, heart hammering in his chest, before slowly sitting up. He hears a noise from the other side of the room and turns his head abruptly, catching Chris slamming his eyes shut. Fuck.
Jared runs a shaky hand over his face then stands up and gets dressed. By the time Jensen gets out of the bathroom, freshly showered and smelling of toothpaste, Jared’s got coffee brewed and ready for him. Jensen nods his thanks and gives Jared a quick kiss before taking the mug over to his easel. He doesn’t look Jared in the eye. Jared leaves as soon as Chris makes a show of pretending to wake up.
At The Black Bean at the end of Jensen’s shift Jensen pulls Jared into the back room and jerks him off; Jensen’s palm, sweaty and smelling of coffee, pressed over Jared’s mouth to keep him quiet. Jared’s head bangs against the door when he comes, hard enough that he’s sure everyone in the coffeehouse must have heard. Jared reaches for Jensen to reciprocate but Jensen pulls away, shaking his head, and walks over to the small sink to wash his hands. ‘We need to get going,’ he gestures impatiently, grabbing his jacket and walking out before Jared has time to ask what the hell is going on.
On their way home from dinner at Jared’s favorite pizza place Jensen pulls Jared into an alley and pushes him up against the wall. The rough brick scratches Jared’s back as Jensen kisses him roughly, fingers digging into Jared’s biceps and hip pushing against Jared’s dick, hard enough that it almost hurts. They make out, wild and increasingly desperate, until Jensen suddenly pulls away, stumbling and shaking his head, eyes blinking rapidly. Jared only just catches him before he falls.
“Head rush?” he asks, laughing a little. Jensen doesn’t answer, just breathes harshly against Jared’s neck, fists caught in his jacket. A shudder runs through his body, and Jared’s smile drops. “Jensen? Hey, you okay?” Jensen doesn’t look up, just nods his head and hitches his breath. It’s a while before he lets go and all the way home he never looks up once.
When they get to the apartment they’re hardly through the door before Jensen drops to his knees to finish what he started, deft fingers undoing Jared’s fly and pulling him out. Jared tries to tell him he doesn’t have to, that actually he’s pretty tired and how about they just cuddle on the couch, but before he can get a word out his dick is in Jensen’s mouth and... Oh God.
Damn, Jensen is good at this. So fucking amazingly good. Not like Jared, who’s still trying to figure out how not to drool so much.
‘Practice makes perfect’ suddenly pops up in his head, and he squeezes his eyes shut, cold shivers running down his spine. He’s not going there. He’s not going to speculate whether Jensen got his practice blowing strangers in dark alleys all over campus or... or twelve years ago.
Fuck, he didn’t know it was possible to go limp in the middle of a blowjob.
He tries to push Jensen gently away, tries to laugh it off and tell him it’s not gonna happen, not tonight. That he’s tired and spent already and “Let me take care of you instead.” But Jensen swats his hands away, irritated, and keeps at it, not stopping until he has Jared coming down his throat. By then Jared’s knees are weak, and his thighs are shaking with the effort of keeping himself up. Jensen tucks Jared back in and gets slowly to his feet, his knees creaking from the hardwood floor. He doesn’t look up.
It’s not until Jared is drifting off to sleep a couple of hours later that he realizes that all through their various activities that day he never once felt Jensen’s dick press against his.
He wakes up to a sense of déjà-vu and hopes Chris really is asleep or over at Sophia’s, because this time he comes so fast he can’t keep a small yell from escaping. He lies, dizzy, his heart still racing, as Jensen disappears into the bathroom. He hears Jensen spit into the toilet, and his whole body flushes red. He feels embarrassed, and confused and so damn ashamed, because Jesus Christ, every time Jensen touches him all angry and desperate like that? Jared just wants to flip him over and fuck the stupid out of him. And how wrong is that?
Something bad is clearly going on but every time Jared tries to bring it up during the week Jensen’s on him again, short circuiting Jared’s brain with his hands and lips and mouth. Jared should say no, should tell Jensen to stop, but, God, it’s not like he doesn’t want it. It’s not like Jensen touching him like that isn’t everything he’s ever dreamed of and more. He feels a little like a lab rat though, like Jensen is experimenting on him, testing his own limits. And even if it’s not really that kinky - not compared to most people’s sex lives, Jared presumes - considering where they’re both coming from every step feels like a milestone.
Or it would if Jared didn’t keep waking up in the middle of the night with Jensen’s side of the bed cold and empty, and Jensen standing by the easel, eyes wide and blank as he paints one horrifying picture after another.
----------
Nothing. Nothing happens. Not a fucking thing. No flashbacks, no memories, no little kid crying for his mommy.
And yet he can’t sleep. He can’t breathe, and he can’t relax, and he can’t let his guard down, because what if? What if this is the time he goes back? What if this is what will trigger him to relive it all? What if?
Fuck.
He can’t do this anymore. He can’t live like this. He can’t.
It’s time he took the reins back. His life. It’s his life. And it’s up to him what happens next. His choice.
-----------
A shadow falls over the table and Jared looks up, surprised to see Jensen looming over him. It’s the first time Jensen’s ever looked him up at the library. He didn’t even think Jensen knew where he studied.
“Hey,” he says and smiles. “What ya doing here?”
Jensen shrugs, his smile a little uncertain. He looks around, eyeing the other patrons, then brings out two cups of coffee from behind his back.
“Oh God, you’re a lifesaver,” Jared moans, greedily accepting his cup. “This essay is killing me. Catcher in the Rye,” he explains when Jensen gives him an inquisitive look. “I know it’s supposed to be one of the greatest books of our time but I’m about ready to torch the damn thing.”
Someone shushes them, irritated, and Jared rolls his eyes. “Wanna go for a walk?”
Jensen nods, waiting while Jared puts on his jacket and stuffs the books into his backpack. Jared stops Jensen as he’s turning away and pulls him in for a deep kiss. “Always wanted to make out in a library,” he says, grinning when Jensen’s cheeks turn a little pink. “Maybe we can ask Danneel to let us in sometime after closing. Then I can have my wicked way with you in the periodicals.”
Jensen snorts, bumping his shoulder not too lightly. Jared just grins.
They walk out into the bright sun reflecting off the newborn snow, breathing in the cold air. “Didn’t know you were done this early. You could have texted,” Jared says, slinging one arm over Jensen’s shoulders. “I’d have come over.”
Jensen bites his lip. He taps a finger on his watch then shakes his head as he draws a circle on the surface.
“You weren’t working today?” Jared asks, frowning. “Is everything alright?”
Jensen shakes his head. He sucks in his breath then lets it slowly out, looking around until he spots a bench by the trees that someone has already cleared the snow off and pulls Jared over. They sit down, and Jensen puts his coffee cup down on the ground before pulling a sketchbook out of his pocket, pen clipped to its side.
Jared sips his coffee as he waits for Jensen to finish, pretending not to notice how shaky Jensen’s movements are. It’s a quick sketch of a woman sitting in a chair. She seems to be writing something. Jared frowns, completely clueless. Jensen huffs and takes the notebook back, this time adding a simple sketch of a man lying on a couch. Oh.
“Therapy? You want to go see a therapist? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Okay. Do you have a psychiatrist?”
Jensen shakes his head. He looks tired, and when Jared puts an arm around his shoulders Jensen leans into him, his breathing labored.
“We’ll find someone. If this is what you want to do then we’ll find someone.” Jared hesitates, searching Jensen’s face for hints of what he’s thinking. Jensen looks at him with weary eyes. There’s a lump in Jared’s throat, and a feeling of hope he doesn’t dare give in to, not without confirmation. “Does that mean...? Are you planning on sticking around?”
Jensen closes his eyes and lays his head on Jared’s shoulder. He nods.
Jared breathes out. “Thank you,” he chokes out. “I... Thank you.”
Jensen doesn’t answer. His eyes are still closed, his coffee is going cold where it’s nested in the snow-covered ground. He looks so tired, so defeated. Like he really doesn’t expect anything to come out of it, but he’s still going to try. For Jared.
“Thank you,” Jared repeats in a whisper, pulling Jensen tighter. “I love you. I love you so much.”
Jensen sucks in his breath. He turns his head and buries his face in Jared’s neck, his breath hot on Jared’s cold skin. Jared kisses the top of his head and just holds him. They sit there until Jared’s butt goes numb, and Jensen falls asleep on his shoulder.
Chapter 6 | Chapter 8