Fic: Gunpoint. AU RPS. Jensen/Jared. Chapter 2
Masterpost
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue | Author's notes | Soundtrack | AO3
Chapter 2
July 1999
‘Mom! MOM!’
Jensen coughs, his eyes watering, but it’s no use. She’s right there, he can see her through the crack in the door but unless she looks his way she won’t notice that he’s trying to catch her attention. She’s standing in the hallway, arms hugging herself, talking to someone Jensen can't see. Whoever it is, he’s making her cry. Again. One of the doctors then. Probably. The doctors keep asking his parents to step out into the hall to talk in hushed voices and when they come back in they always look like someone died. Like he died. But he’s not dead. He’s right here. Why are they still crying when he’s right here?
Mom cries all the time, quiet tears when he’s awake, loud sobbing when she thinks he’s sleeping. Dad says she’s sad because he’s in the hospital, that she’ll be happy again once he’s home. Jensen doesn’t believe him.
It’s not the place that’s making her cry, it’s him. Him with his weak body and his pale face and his cough and his nightmares and his eyes that won’t look at her and his skin that can’t bear the touch of her and his voice that’s not there.
Her head pops in through the doorway, the smile forced, her eyes swollen. “You okay, honey? You need something?”
He looks away and pretends he doesn’t hear her. He can’t remember what it was that he wanted anyway.
------------
Present day
Thursday afternoon Jared finds himself mulling over an assorted selection of clothes spread out on his bed. Assorted in the sense of being the only items he owns. He feels nervous, which is pretty understandable, and excited which is... idiotic. And a little creepy considering he’s having very impure thoughts about a guy who is possibly brain damaged. Or at least seriously disturbed. He’s just glad Chad won’t be home until late, because he doesn’t think he can take another lecture on why trying to get to know Jensen is a sure ticket to cock-less Crazyville.
In the end he opts for low-cut jeans, a brown, long-sleeved t-shirt under a grey hoodie, and his old leather jacket. October is just around the corner, with preparations for Halloween already hovering in the air. Jared hopes it doesn’t get too cold in the winter, since he doesn’t really have winter clothes. He’d figured he could just pile on everything else he owns. Comfort in layers.
He forgot to ask Chris at what time he should show up, and, jogging across campus, he starts to worry that maybe he’s too late already. As he gets closer to The Black Bean he hears cheerful music that reminds him somewhat depressingly of Saturday mornings with his sister, watching cartoons and trying not to laugh too loud or their parents would wake up. Swallowing the sharp pain of grief for a life he’ll never be a part of again, he pushes the door open. Bright laughter, and the warm smell of cocoa and paint hits him straight on. He looks around confused, at the kids occupying nearly every spot in the coffee shop, the large sheets of paper covering the tables, and the pencils and paint everywhere. Huh?
“I want a dinosaur! Jensen, do a dinosaur! Please!”
Jared traces the voice to a small kid jumping up and down, chanting “Dinosaur!” and “Please! Please!” at the man hunched over one of the tables. Sure enough it’s Jensen, wearing a ratty old t-shirt smeared with paint and sticky fingerprints.
“Dinosaur!” the boy shrieks, excited when Jensen obviously complies, and Jensen laughs, a low rumbling noise that seems to come from his chest rather than his mouth.
“Easy, tiger,” he says in that rough voice Jared remembers from two weeks ago, and his jaw drops in surprise. What?
“Catching flies?” an amused voice says beside him, and he turns around to see Chris watching him with a grin.
“He’s talking,” Jared says confused. “I thought he didn’t talk.”
“Jensen?” Chris asks casually, like there could be any other. “Only when he feels like it.” He shrugs. “He likes kids.”
“Oh.” Jared looks around. It’s like a colorful kindergarten with kids everywhere. Drawing, and painting, and drinking hot cocoa and laughing. Running around with dripping brushes and poking each other with pencils. Some are even singing. Far as he can tell there are no adults about, apart from Jensen, Chris, and Sophia who’s working behind the counter, handing out paper cups with hot cocoa and whipped cream. “Wow. Where do they all come from?”
“Campus staff. They drop them off for a couple of hours every Thursday. It started with Jensen’s old teachers from the art department, but by now we get pretty much every kid there is. It’s become a thing, I guess.”
Jared has to admit he’s duly impressed. “How long have you been doing this?”
Chris laughs. “I’m not doing anything. Except help clean up after the little monsters. No, this is all Jensen.”
Jared gives Chris a skeptical look. “Jensen organized this?”
Chris looks away, shrugging. “Nothing to organize,” he mutters, looking uncomfortable. “They just started showing up one day, and, you know, things developed.”
It’s such bullshit Jared doesn’t even bother calling him out on it. Instead he turns back to watching Jensen, who is showing a little girl how to draw a cat, her small hand completely engulfed in his as he moves it across the sheet of paper.
“Like this,” he’s saying, smiling a little when she sticks her tongue out between her teeth in concentration. “Good.”
It’s not the most eloquent speech Jared has ever heard, but the words still tug at his chest, bringing a lump to his throat that he has trouble swallowing down.
“It’s quite something,” he says, voice low.
“Yeah. It is.” There’s a small silence, and then Chris clears his throat. “Right. You want coffee?”
“What? Yeah. Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me. You still have to pay for it,” Chris huffs and walks over to talk to Sophia. She looks over at Jared, frowning. Jared gives her a little wave, wondering if she still hates him, or if Chris cleared up that whole stupid misunderstanding.
He turns back to find Jensen standing frozen by the table he’d been sitting at moments before, staring at Jared like he’s a ghost.
Jared swallows. Okay. Here goes nothing.
He walks over slowly, stopping about six feet away. “Hey,” he says, feeling a little awkward. “Remember me?”
Jensen blinks. He looks distraught, like he’s seriously contemplating pushing past Jared and fleeing out the door, but just then a small boy runs by and knocks into him, spilling cocoa all over himself. Jensen catches the boy a fraction of a second before he hits the floor and hauls him back to his feet. He frowns at the dark brown stain on the boy’s jeans and the puddle spreading on the floor.
“Sorry,” the kid says, lip wobbling. “Was an accident.”
“’S okay,” Jensen murmurs as he pats the kid’s shoulder. He walks the boy over to the counter, grabs a handful of napkins and helps him clean up. When the kid runs off, wet jeans and spilled cocoa already forgotten, Jensen straightens up and gives Jared a tentative smile.
“Jared,” he says in that hoarse voice of his that makes Jared shiver.
“Yeah.” Jared smiles back. They stand gazing at each other for a moment until the silence gets a little too much for Jared and he waves his hand at the chaos surrounding them. “This is cool,” he says. “I mean, they’re clearly having fun.”
Jensen nods. He looks around, his smile turning soft. It makes his eyes crinkle at the corners and Jared is struck once again by just how goddamn pretty Jensen is.
“I didn’t know you could draw,” he says just to say something.
Jensen looks at him, frowning a little. Jared laughs awkwardly. Of course he didn’t know Jensen could draw. He doesn’t know anything about the guy.
“Wanna show me?” he says, cringing when he realizes he sounds like he’s talking to a five year old. Jesus, he’s bad at this. “I mean, I’d like to see. If you don’t mind.”
Jensen hesitates a moment before giving a small shrug. He walks back to the booth, and Jared follows him, sliding in on the opposite side. Jensen glances at him, looking a little wary, but then he concentrates on the blank paper in front of him. He works fast, his right hand moving the pencil in quick and sure strokes, the left one shielding his work from Jared’s curious eyes. Jared glances over at the counter and catches both Chris and Sophia watching them with matching odd looks on their faces. Like they’re not sure whether they should be hopeful or worried. He gives them a quick smile, and Sophia hesitantly smiles back, but Chris just purses his lips.
Jared turns back to find Jensen watching him impatiently. Jensen turns the paper 180 degrees and there is Jared’s own face, staring up at him. He looks strangely sad, the way he looks most mornings in the mirror before he’s managed to put his game face on. It’s a little unsettling, the possibility that Jensen can see beyond the mask he’s worked so hard at presenting.
“That’s...” he says and clears his throat. “Wow. That is amazing. You are really talented.” He looks up to give Jensen a smile and catches him staring with this strange expression on his face that drops as soon as he realizes he’s being watched back. Instead he looks down and starts doodling on a new sheet of paper, a complex design that looks beautiful and chaotic.
“Uhm…”
Jared hesitates. He’s not really sure how to bring the whole blowjob thing up again, considering Jensen’s reaction last time. To tell the truth he’s not sure if he should bring it up at all. Maybe Jensen wants to pretend it didn’t happen. Hell, Jared suddenly realizes, maybe Jensen doesn’t even remember it happening. Or he doesn’t realize it was Jared, seeing as it was pitch dark. Except you don’t just grab whoever walks by and gay-kiss them unless you have a serious death wish. So chances are he’d been watching Jared’s pathetic attempts at flirting with guys at that party, maybe through the window, and decided to wait for him to come out.
“Sorry,” Jensen suddenly mumbles, startling Jared out of his thoughts. He’s still drawing, sharp nervous strokes of the pencil. Slowly but surely it takes the form of a couple, one pressing the other up against a wall.
Jared swallows. Okay, so that’s a yes, Jensen clearly does remember.
“Don’t be,” Jared tells him, keeping his voice low as well. “You made my night. Well, month is more like it. Or, you know, considerably more than that seeing as it was my first time. With a guy that is.”
His cheeks are burning but when Jensen glances up at him, alarmed, Jared keeps his gaze steady and the smile small but genuine. “I thought stuff like that only happened in my late night fantasies,” he jokes. “Except they usually star someone like Matt Bomer. You are totally hotter, just to be clear.”
Jensen coughs a short laugh. He’s a little flushed, but he seems less on edge. He keeps adding to the drawing, small details like the lock of hair that always gets in Jared’s eyes, and the rip in the collar of his own t-shirt.
“So,” Jared says after a while since Jensen doesn’t seem to have anything verbal to add, “my name is Jared Padalecki, and I’m a freshman. Taking pre-law, and psych and hating both. To be honest I have no fucking idea what I’m doing here, I just needed to get away from home, I guess. I’m eighteen, by the way, so I’m all legal, don’t worry.”
Jensen snorts. He adds a little blush to Jared’s cheeks and lengthens his eyelashes, making him look young and innocent. Jared laughs.
“Just because you’re my first guy doesn’t mean I’m a total newbie,” he says with a smirk.
Jensen looks at him, eyes speculating, then he quickly draws a sexy female angel on Jared’s right shoulder and a smug looking male devil on his left before glancing up again, clearly curious.
Jared shakes his head. “Nah, more limited access. And doing what was expected so no one would call me on it and consequently, you know, blow my brains out or something.”
Jensen jerks so violently the pencil skitters across the sheet, ripping right through it. He sucks in his breath then quickly slides out of the booth. Jared moves to catch his wrist but stops himself at the last moment, remembering Jensen’s reaction in the alley. “Jensen, what?”
He’s fighting to get his long legs out from under the table when Jensen suddenly stops short.
“Can I get a unicorn?” asks the small girl tugging at his hand. She looks no older than five, with a pink ribbon in her unruly hair, a mess of paint covering the front of her t-shirt, and eyes that would put the sweetest puppy to shame. “Please?”
Jensen stands still, chest heaving. Then he looks down at the girl and gives her a thin smile. She squeals happily and drags him across the floor to her table, pushing him to sit down and handing him a jar filled with assorted colored pencils.
Jared breathes out. What the hell did he say this time? Was it the whole gay bashing thing? Probably. Could be personal experience Jensen would rather not be reminded of. And Jared had just thrown it flippantly out there, like it was a joke. Fuck. He groans, rubbing his hand over his face before standing up and walking over to the counter. Sophia is alone. Jared spots Chris hovering close by Jensen, pretending to be cleaning paint spatters off the panel.
“Think I’ll have that coffee now,” he says with a small smile, digging into his pocket for change. “Can I get a macchiato?
Sophia has stopped smiling, but she doesn’t look hostile, like last time, just worried. “Sure,” she says and disappears behind the espresso machine.
When she comes back she waves off the charge. “On the house. Let’s call it my apology for yelling at you the other night.”
Jared gives her a tired smile. “I seem to have upset him again so maybe you should hold that apology until I deserve it.”
“If I yelled at everyone who got Jensen upset I’d be hoarse by now,” she says with a small smile back. “You just caught me at a bad time. And you seemed to be all up in his business so I kinda flipped on you.” She shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. Just shut up and drink your coffee.”
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you, ma’am.” He sips the coffee and grins at her. “Not as good as Jensen’s but close.”
“Watch it, kid.” She eyes him speculatively. “So why this interest in Jensen?”
To his horror Jared can feel himself blushing. “No reason,” he says. “He just seems... nice.”
She quirks her eyebrow at him, the smirk small but smug even if her eyes stay guarded. “You mean hot.”
Fuck, he’s getting redder by the minute. “Well, yeah. That too.”
He glances over, but Jensen is still drawing, and Chris has dropped all pretense of cleaning and just stands by Jensen’s side, hand on his shoulder.
“I’m not blind, okay?” Jared says quietly. “But it’s not just that. I don’t know. I just felt some kind of connection. Which is stupid, I know, but I thought maybe if we got to know each other a little better we could be... I don’t know, friends?”
She nods slowly, all serious now. “With benefits?” she asks quietly.
He goes still. “Not to be rude, but I really don’t think that’s any of your business. Or Chris’s.”
“Look-” she starts but Jared cuts her off.
“No, you look. I get that Jensen has some issues, and that you guys feel really protective of him, but it’s not like he’s a kid. If - and that’s a big if - I wanted us to be something more, and he didn’t, I’m sure he’d tell me so himself. Or, you know, let me know somehow.” He puts a handful of change on the counter and gives her a tight smile. “Thank you for the coffee.”
“Jensen doesn’t just have ‘some issues’, okay?” Sophia says sharply as he turns away. “You could write a whole fucking book on his issues and still only scratch the surface. So just... Be careful. For both your sakes.”
He looks over his shoulder, but she’s already turned her back on him and is busying herself behind the counter, her shoulders tight with tension. Jared sighs. He looks over to where Jensen is now showing the little girl her drawing. He’s smiling, pointing out various things, and she’s talking happily, not seeming to mind that she’s not getting any answer. Jared hesitates. Maybe he should just leave. He doesn’t really feel welcome although Jensen seems more indifferent than adverse. Like he wouldn’t even notice if Jared followed Chris’s advice and walked out, never to come back. Maybe they’re right, all of them. Maybe it isn’t worth it after all.
He drains the last drops of coffee, puts the mug quietly on a nearby table and heads for the door.
“Jared!”
Jared stops and slowly turns around.
Jensen is standing on the other side of the room, watching him with wide and confused eyes. “You’re leaving?” he says.
His voice, although hoarse, is just about loud enough to carry across the floor, above the carefree chatter of the kids and the annoyingly cheerful music blasting from the speakers. Chris stares at him, looking shocked, and out of the corner of his eye Jared can see Sophia put a hand to her chest.
“Not necessarily,” Jared says slowly. “I can stay. If you want me to.”
Jensen smiles. It looks a little strange, like he’s not used to stretching his cheeks that wide. He nods then sweeps his hand across the room, indicating the kids who have started to gather their drawings, some are even pulling on their jackets and coats, smiling parents waiting patiently by their side. He gives Jared another look, questioning, hesitant. Hopeful.
Jared smiles. Nods. “I’m in no hurry,” he says easily. “Take your time.”
Jensen ducks his head, still smiling shyly. He turns away and consequently catches Chris staring at him. The smile turns into a smirk as he reaches over and puts a finger under Chris’s chin, pushing his jaw up to close his mouth. Then he starts putting away crayons and brushes but not before giving Jared a small wink.
Jared laughs, both at the stunned look on Chris’s face and the mischievous one Jensen keeps sending him. Oh yeah, he really wants to get to know this Jensen, issues and all.
--------------
“...and that’s when Chad says, ‘If girls don’t have Adam’s apples how come the chick I made out with last night did?’ You should have seen his face when I explained it to him.”
Jensen laughs. His shoulders shake with it, but there’s hardly any sound except for sharp intakes of breath through his nose, as his lips are pursed tight. Jared grins. If it takes the rest of the semester he’s going to make Jensen laugh out loud, a real belly laugh that has him doubling over and clutching his stomach, heaving for breath. It’s the first goal Jared has set for himself since he moved here, and even if it might not be academically significant, it still feels more important than anything else he might achieve.
They’ve been walking for over an hour. The air is crisp and a little cold but Jared feels warm, and he’s a little out of breath from talking pretty much non-stop since they stepped out of the coffee shop. Jared doesn’t think he’s talked so much since before he realized what was wrong with him and became terrified he’d start to lisp or just say ‘wrong’ things. He hadn’t realized how much he missed just talking about everything and anything without having to worry that he’d give away his big gay secret.
Jensen hasn’t said a word yet, just nodded or shaken his head or smiled a little crookedly at the appropriate moments. He seems content to just listen to Jared babble, but eventually even Jared gets tired of hearing his own voice fill up all the silence.
“Feel free to jump in at any time,” he says. “Or, you know, wave or something.”
Jensen snorts but his cheeks turn a little red. “Sorry,” he mumbles, “I-” His voice cuts off and he coughs then clears his throat, grimacing.
“It’s cool,” Jared hurries to tell him, feeling like a jerk. “Just thought maybe you were getting sick of listening to me monologue. I’m blaming the coffee, man. I don’t usually talk this much.” He throws Jensen an embarrassed grin, and Jensen gives him a small smile back.
They walk in silence for a while. Jensen has his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his jeans, making his shoulders hunch up a little, but he doesn’t seem on edge, just deep in thought and maybe a little cold. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, but it still feels a little empty after all the talking Jared’s been doing.
“You ever think of learning sign language?” Jared says after a while. Jensen snorts and looks up at him with a smile that turns confused and then into a frown when he realizes Jared isn’t joking.
“I know you’re not deaf,” Jared hastens to say. “I just thought since you don’t like talking...”
Jensen clenches his jaw. He looks pissed off, his shoulders tensing. “Same thing, different language,” he says hoarsely and shakes his head as if disgusted.
“Yeah, of course. Sorry. That was stupid.” Jared’s quiet for a while, hoping for the tension to ease but if anything Jensen seems to get wound tighter with every minute. “You want to go back?” he finally asks.
Jensen nods, and when they stop to turn around he doubles the space between them, making it look accidental, but the hint is as subtle as a blow to the head. Jared swallows. Guess he deserved that. They walk back in tense silence.
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...” Jared starts when they’re about twenty feet away from The Black Bean, at the same moment as Jensen mutters, “Thought you didn’t mind.”
He sounds bitter, hurt even, and Jared flinches with guilt. Hadn’t Chris told him not to be pushy? Instead he pretty much told Jensen he wasn’t good enough, because he doesn’t mouth off all the time.
“I don’t mind,” Jared says quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that, really. I was just curious. I thought maybe it hurt you to talk. Your voice is a little rough, like maybe your throat hurts and I thought...” He stops. “I’m sorry. It was stupid. I really don’t mind. I promise.”
Jensen stops in front of the coffee shop, staring in through the window. Chris is mopping the floor, and Sophia is putting away clean cups and glasses. They’re talking and laughing, and every now and then they catch each other’s eye then look away again, smiling awkwardly. Jared hardly knows them, but even he can tell they’re flirting. Judging by the look on Jensen’s face he can tell as well, and he seems conflicted about it, like he’s not sure he likes it.
“Jensen,” Jared pleads, afraid that if he loses Jensen inside he’ll never see him again.
Jensen clenches his jaw and shakes his head. Then he pushes the door open and walks in, leaving Jared standing on the sidewalk, feeling confused and guilty and really disappointed. Fuck.
--------------
The phone wakes him up, loud and shrill and annoying. There’s a grunting sound from Chad’s side of the room that sounds like “Fuck off and die!” as Jared fumbles blindly for the phone and sleepily flips it open.
“Yeah?” he mumbles, checking his clock. It’s not even ten yet. On a Saturday. Who calls before ten on a Saturday?
“Where the hell are you? It’s been two fucking weeks! What, you decide he was too much work for you? Is that it?”
“What?” Jared sits up, rubbing one hand over his face. “Who is this?”
“You don’t even have the decency to let him know you’ve dumped his ass? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Jared blinks. He’s still not sure he’s actually awake. “Chris?”
“You know how long it’s been since he tried to get to know anyone? Not since... Never, that’s what! And now he’s finally trying, and you just... I’m gonna kick your ass! I’m gonna find out where you live and I’m gonna break in there and fucking punch your face in!”
Okay, that wakes him up!
“Whoa! Hold on! Wait a minute. I didn’t dump him. He walked away. Fucking left me on the sidewalk and closed the door in my face. What the hell was I supposed to think?”
He can practically hear the man roll his eyes. “That he’s Jensen, and that’s what he does? He’s an asshole, okay? He’s a jerk, a selfish prick and a fucking moron. But that doesn’t mean you just give up on him.”
“Uhm...” Jared really has no idea what he’s supposed to say to that. “You do remember I don’t actually know him, right? I’ve met him like three times, heard him say a handful of words. How am I supposed to know what he’s like? Not that your description is really encouraging. If he’s such an asshole, why should I even want to get to know him?”
Chris is silent for so long Jared is starting to think he hung up. “Because it’s not his fault,” he finally says, voice low. “And if you can help him understand that, if you can help him get out of the stupid rut he’s been stuck in for the last twelve years, maybe he won’t stay such an asshole.”
“What isn’t his fault?” Jared asks exasperated. “How am I supposed to help him if I don’t even know what his problem is?”
The line goes silent again but then Chris says, “Google Jensen Ackles. A-C-K-L-E-S. March 1999.” And he hangs up.
Jared lets himself fall back on the bed. His head hurts. He can still taste vodka in his mouth. And what may be vomit. Urgh. He pulls the covers over his head. Just five more minutes and he’ll get right on that Googling thing.
Googling “Jensen Ackles” with the timeframe Chris provided gives Jared about five hundred hits, most of them news sites. The listed headlines hit him like a sledgehammer and he stares at them in shock. The date fits. The name fits. But...
Shaken he stands up and walks circles around the room, hands tugging at his hair. He feels a little dizzy. Jesus. There must be more than one Jensen Ackles, right? It’s just a coincidence. Because this... It’s just too fucking messed up.
In the end curiosity overpowers dread and he sits down again, his stomach twisting into a knot as he clicks the first link.
“Kidnapped Boy Rescued By Police” it says in black bold letters across the screen. He reads on, feeling like he’s stuck in an episode of Without A Trace, except uglier and way too real. Words jump out at him: “ten years old” and “missing for three weeks” and “presumed dead”. And then finally, “Suspected kidnapper shot during an FBI rescue mission”.
Jared swallows. Holy crap.
He quickly looks through the rest. They all tell more or less the same story. He finds interviews with the boy’s teachers and his grandparents. Statements from the police as the search drags on. A picture of the boy’s parents, pleading for their son’s life. Dead ends and false information. Gold diggers and fake psychics. Despair. Loss of hope.
And then there’s a scan of the front page of Time magazine. A small boy being carried out in the arms of a SWAT team member. His face, hair, and dirty t-shirt spattered red. Ripped jeans with dark rivers running down the legs. A single blue sneaker and a small foot wearing a dirty white sock. Mouth open in a silent scream.
Jared stares at the picture. It’s Jensen, there’s no doubt about it. Those are the same green eyes, mad with terror. The same golden freckles peeking out between smears of blood. It’s him. It’s really him.
Jared gets up, pushing away from the desk so fast his chair topples over and he trips over it, stumbling awkwardly and finally landing on Chad’s bed. He lies there, knees too weak to even contemplate getting up again, and stares up at the ceiling. He feels sick, bile rising in his throat and cramps fisting his stomach. He closes his eyes, but the little boy’s face is branded into his memory, and he can’t erase it. Those big green eyes, that open mouth. That mind-shattering terror.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Jensen,” he says out loud, his voice breaking on the last word. “No wonder you’re so screwed up.”
It takes him half an hour before he trusts himself to pick up the phone.
“I need to talk to you,” Jared says, keeping his voice low. “I did my Googling and I... I just really need to talk to you.”
“You gonna run or stay?” Chris asks bluntly.
Jared hesitates. Run would be the logical answer. He has enough on his plate without adding to it.
“I’m staying,” he says anyway. “But I need some answers. I’m not asking you to spill all his secrets, just tell me enough to keep me from putting my foot in my mouth all the time.”
Chris is silent for a moment but then he says, “Okay, shoot.”
Jared breathes in. “That’s really him? On the cover of Time magazine?”
“Yes.”
“Shit.” Not like he doubted it but still... Shit. “Were you there? I mean, did you know him back then?”
“Kinda. We went to the same school though I’m older. So I knew what had happened. Everyone did. The whole school was buzzing with it. Parents all paranoid, everyone screaming about school security... It was a fucking circus.”
“Okay, so what did happen? Someone just snatched him? Who? What for? Ransom?”
“He disappeared on his way home from school.” Chris pauses then adds in a blank voice, “No ransom.”
Jared blinks. “Then why the hell- Oh. Oh my God.” He covers his mouth with his hand, his mind reeling. “No.”
“Yes. That’s what we think anyway.” Chris clears his throat on the other end of the line. “We don’t really know. See, here’s the thing: Jensen doesn’t remember any of that. He’s blocked it all out except for the day he was rescued, that he does remember, way too vividly. Some overeager fed blew the guy’s brains out as he was trying to escape. His head exploded like a goddamn melon. He was using Jensen as a shield, and half his brain ended up in the poor kid’s face. He got a mouthful. Literally.”
Jared fumbles blindly behind him until he finds the edge of the bed and drops down. He feels sick, and he has to take a few gulps of breath to keep from throwing up. “Oh God,” he says. “Oh my God.”
“Yeah,” Chris agrees, all quiet now.
Jared closes his eyes. They sting and he wipes at them with his fingers, not surprised when his fingertips come away wet. His nose itches, and his neck feels hot and sweaty. “Is that... is that why he doesn’t talk?”
“I think so. He has PTSD, that’s what they say. He’s had therapy, hypnosis, the works. Doesn’t seem to do much. They all say the only way to deal with it is to talk about it and Jensen won’t talk so...”
“But if he was... abused, wouldn’t they have been able to tell? I mean...” Jared swallows. “You know what I mean.”
“Depends.” Chris clears his throat but his voice still comes out rough like gravel. “If he was raped then yeah, they would have found evidence. If the guy limited himself to other stuff... I don’t know. I tried to find out, but the records are sealed, his parents won’t talk about it, and Jensen doesn’t remember.”
“But his therapist...”
Chris sighs. “Kid, I’m telling you, I don’t know. Not like she’d tell me. Confidentiality and all that. I’m just a friend, man. I’m not family.” He sounds bitter. “But the guy had a record of liking small boys, so I think we can assume he did something. I just don’t know what.”
“But-”
“I don’t know anything, okay?” Chris snaps. His voice sounds strained, like there’s only so much he can share before he needs to punch someone.
Jared bites his lip. There are so many questions he wants to ask, so many things he doesn’t want to know but thinks he should, for Jensen’s sake. But he can tell he’s inching toward the edge of Chris’s patience.
“Thank you for telling me,” he says instead. “It helps.”
“He ever find out I told you about... You tell him, and I’ll kill you. I mean it. Only reason I did was to keep you from messing him up even further. ‘Cause he’s damn edgy, man. Doors slamming, cars backfiring, anything like that, and he’s ten years old again, scared out of his mind. And you saw what happened when you got his face wet. He can’t go out when it’s raining. Took years to get him to take a shower. And he doesn’t like to be restrained, it freaks him out. That includes hugging and, I’m guessing, sex, although I try my best not to think about that. This is what you’re getting yourself into. Think you can handle it?”
Jared swallows. “I don’t know but I want to try.”
“Why? And don’t give me that connection crap again.”
Jared opens his eyes. There are cracks on the ceiling that form a pattern as complicated as he’s about to make his life.
“Because I can’t get him out of my head, that’s why. Might as well have him in my life too.”
Chris is silent for a moment. “Good answer,” he says and hangs up.
-----------
Detachment. That’s what they called it when Jensen stopped recognizing love. Like his heart had severed itself from his veins, making it impossible for those kind of feelings to reach his head, his mind and soul. Emotional detachment.
His mother cried, and he felt annoyed with her whining. His father hugged him, and it felt like he was being strangled. His brother asked if he was all right, and Jensen wondered why he cared. His little sister drew him pictures, and Jensen threw them away. They were just people, just names and titles that didn’t touch him, because he wasn’t a son anymore, he wasn’t a brother. He wasn’t the person they wanted, and he didn’t really want them. He just wanted to be left alone. When they finally let him go, Chris clearly expected him to feel sad or abandoned, angry even. He didn’t. Doesn’t. The less people he has to interact with the better as far as he’s concerned. As long as he has Chris, he doesn’t need anyone else.
Chris loves him, Jensen knows that. Loves him like a brother, like a best friend. Like the arm that gets in the way when you’re sleeping and ends up numb and aching, and you wish you could unscrew it and put it aside, just for a while. But still a part of you, a part you need, and want and can’t think of being without.
Jensen needs Chris, too, but that’s different. He needs him like he needs food and water. Like he needs air. His survival depends on Chris being there for him, he knows that. Without Chris he’d have ended it a long time ago.
But he doesn’t love Chris. He doesn’t love anyone.
It’s just the way it is. That it’s always been since that day. Emotionally detached. It’s a state Jensen has settled into. It’s what he knows, what he expects his life to be like until he dies, which he suspects will be sooner rather than later. It’s alright, he doesn’t mind. It’s comfortable knowing his heart can’t be broken.
Or it was.
Because lately it’s like someone is trying to sew him up, to connect his veins to his heart, letting emotions travel with his blood cells to the small room inside that still vaguely remembers them. Emotions like hope, and anticipation and need beyond the physical.
He doesn’t like it. If this is what it’s like being in touch with his feelings he’d rather skip it. Before he wouldn’t have cared that Jared gave up on him so easily. But now... Now it hurts. Physically hurts in his chest, like his heart is missing a piece. And what’s good in that?
--------------
Jared waits until the last customer leaves, and Jensen moves to close, before stepping out of the shadows and knocking lightly on the door. Jensen looks up, that same blank expression on his face that Jared remembers from before, but it changes when he sees Jared standing there, giving him a hesitant hopeful smile. Jensen steps back, a hand moving to his chest as if it hurts, but then he seems to catch himself, and his arm falls limp by his side again. He’s still staring, his mouth twitching at the corner but it’s not a smile, more a nervous tic or even a grimace. Like he’s annoyed, with himself or Jared, Jared can’t tell. In the end he gestures for Jared to come in, and he does, the gentle ping of the bell above his head sounding strangely ominous.
“Hey,” he says. Jensen gazes back at him, silent. “Uhm, right,” Jared continues awkwardly, when he realizes he’s waiting for an answer that won’t come. This whole monologue thing will take some getting used to. “Sorry for the disappearing act. Been crazy at school. “
It’s a lie, and they both know it, but he needs an excuse, and Jensen apparently lets him have it, because he just blinks, face void of expression.
“I was gonna call but...” Jared raises his eyebrows and tries for a smile. Jensen’s lips twitch again, but Jared still can’t tell if he’s biting back a smile or a frown. “I was afraid once you started with the heavy breathing, I’d go off track and just jerk off instead.”
This time it’s clearly a smile even if Jensen is biting his lip, desperately trying to suppress it.
“Anyway,” Jared continues lightly. “Are you closed? Because I’ve been craving one of your macchiatos like crazy. I swear, I’ve been having dirty dreams about them, they’re so good. I could live on nothing else. Except then I’d be both fat and hyperactive, and, dude, you do not want that. I’d be all bouncing around, and bam! I’d crush you, just like that.”
Jensen snorts. He moves behind the counter and starts making Jared his coffee. Jared thinks he can see him mouth, “Idiot,” but if there’s a sound it gets lost in the murmur of the grinder.
“You need any help closing up?” Jared asks as he looks around. The tables have been cleared, the floor is still wet from the mop, and apart from a few items in the sink it seems Jensen is more or less done. “I can totally help you clean the register,” he blabbers on nervously. “My pockets have plenty of space. There’s this coffee place I like, but the coffee there is so overpriced, even if the macchiato is to die for, and the barista is like the cutest thing ever. Prices like that, the coffee should come with a kiss and a blowjob, I’m just sayin’.”
He hardly gets the last word out before he’s being pressed up against the door, his mouth full of Jensen’s tongue; hot and wet and demanding. Whoa!
Okay, so yeah, it’s kinda what Jared was hoping for, but he hadn’t really expected it to happen, especially not like this. It takes him a moment to shake out of his stupor and kiss back, but when he does Jensen grunts greedily, hand coming up to fist Jared’s shirt and pull him closer. Jared fumbles for Jensen’s hips, but as soon as he tries pulling Jensen closer he tenses, so Jared moves on, running his hands up Jensen’s arms and neck instead, until he’s holding Jensen’s face lightly within the cradle of his fingers. ‘I want you close,’ it’s supposed to say while still letting Jensen know that he's free to leave, whenever he wants. Jensen’s hand goes flat on Jared’s chest, fingers sliding in between the buttons of his shirt, so Jared figures the message is received. Judging by the hard ridge of Jensen’s dick rubbing against Jared’s thigh he’s more than appreciative. For being only the second gay kiss of Jared’s life, it’s pretty damn amazing.
He’s so caught up in the kiss that he doesn’t notice Jensen moving until his mouth is suddenly out of reach. “What? Oh! Jensen, no.”
He catches Jensen by the arms and pulls him up while still holding him at an appropriate distance. Jensen looks at him warily. His pupils are blown wide, and his lips are wet and swollen and… Jesus, there’s nothing in the world Jared wants more right now than to see those lips wrapped around his dick. Except...
“God, yes. I want that. So much you wouldn’t believe it.” He quickly catches Jensen as he starts sliding down again, and this time Jensen glares at him, clearly annoyed. “But not now. Now... now I just want to talk. And maybe okay, kiss. Kissing is fine. But just... can we take it slow?” He laughs nervously. “I’m new to all this, okay? It’s a bit overwhelming.”
Jensen’s eyes soften, and he smiles. It looks a little condescending, but Jared is okay with that. It’s not like it’s a lie, even if it’s not the main reason he wants to hold off. He is new at this, and it is overwhelming. A couple of months ago he was still playing the straight card, and now he’s getting blowjobs from a guy he hardly knows. Which yes, was what he thought he wanted when he first made it out here, but the truth is he wants more. He wants something real.
He kisses Jensen again then pulls away with a small grin. “You were making me coffee,” he reminds him, and Jensen rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as well, and he seems more amused now than annoyed.
He goes back behind the counter and pushes Jared’s already brewed macchiato forward before making what Jared thinks he recognizes as a double espresso for himself. They’re both to go even if Jared didn’t ask for it so he guesses they’re not staying.
“You don’t have to close up the register?” he asks as Jensen grabs his jacket from a hanger.
Jensen shrugs. He pulls out his phone and quickly texts a message, smirking as he sends it off.
“Oh, that’s gonna make you Mister Popular,” Jared laughs as he spots Chris’s name on the small screen.
Jensen shrugs again then shakes his head, giving Jared a quick pointed look, one eyebrow raised, before looking away, awkward. Like he’s saying Chris won’t mind, not when the reason is Jared. Jared allows himself a small grin as Jensen busies himself with locking the door, his neck flushed pink and hands shaking just a little.
They start walking, aimlessly it seems, since Jared knows it’s not in the direction of Jensen’s and Chris’s apartment, and there’s no chance in hell he’s bringing Jensen to his Chad-infested dorm room. He sips his coffee and throws curious glances at Jensen who walks beside him in trained and comfortable silence. Jared can’t help wondering how one starts - and more importantly maintains - a relationship with someone who doesn’t really communicate.
He starts talking about school, but it’s not the most entertaining of subjects seeing as he’s not that enthusiastic about it. “I’m thinking of changing majors,” he says. “I chose law, because I wanted to make money, but it’s a stupid reason to base the rest of your life on, right? Five years in and I’d probably...” He’s never realized how often he uses the words ‘blow my brains out,’ until he suddenly can’t say it anymore. “...go crazy. So I’m thinking of changing to something I can actually see myself doing, even if I’ll be poor doing it.”
Jensen nods, looking at him expectantly.
“That’s just it,” Jared says frustrated, “I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’ve been trying to figure it out, asking myself what do I enjoy? What am I interested in? Like, I like reading. I used to read a lot when I was a kid. Still do, just don’t have as much time with school and all. So that got me thinking of English literature. But all that leads me to is teaching. And I don’t know if I’m cut out for that. I mean, kids are cruel. They bullied the hell out of me when I was one of them, they’d probably make it their goal to make me cry on the first day if I was their teacher.”
He startles when Jensen puts out his hand, stopping him in his tracks. Jensen is gazing up at him, looking conflicted, like he’s trying to find the right words to say, and they just won’t come.
“What?” Jared asks, confused, before it dawns on him. “Oh, the bullying. I was a very gangly kid. Shot up like a weed when I was twelve and towered over everyone, all skinny legs and arms. Plus I had braces, pimples and a weird name. Didn’t help that I was terrified they’d find out I was gay.” He shrugs. “It was a long time ago. Well, not that long, but, you know, it was a different life. I’m here now.”
Jensen bites his lip, nodding as if to himself. Then he looks up and puts his hand on Jared’s chest, resting it above his heart. He smiles a little sadly, pats Jared’s chest and then lays the hand over his own heart, gazing up at Jared with soft eyes. Jared blinks. He’s not sure what exactly Jensen is trying to say, but it makes his chest tighten all the same. He swallows and smiles back, sure that it looks crooked and shaky, but Jensen just nods like he understands completely. They start walking again with Jensen keeping closer this time, like he wants to make Jared feel safe and protected. It’s a little ridiculous, considering what Jensen’s been through, and what he’s still dealing with, but Jared finds himself relaxing anyway, breathing out and walking a little taller.
He became so used to walking hunched over as he kept growing taller and taller that even now he still finds himself curling his spine and shooting his shoulders forward, chest sinking into his stomach and head bowing, before he remembers he’s not that kid anymore. It’s hard to break out of the old mold, especially when he can’t really get rid of the kid inside, no matter how much he tries to tell himself he’s all grown up now.
“Anyway,” he says, clearing his throat awkwardly, “what were we talking about? Right, teaching. Literature. Okay, so here’s another thing I’ve been thinking about.”
Jensen nods, smiling up at him as he rambles on and on.
The sky grows darker, the coffee cups are emptied and thrown away, and somewhere between Jared telling Jensen about the time he almost pushed Chad out the window for smoking and explaining his love for old Hollywood movies, Jensen’s hand slips into his and doesn’t let go again.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 3