Fic: Gunpoint. AU RPS. Jensen/Jared. Chapter 4
Masterpost
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue | Author's notes | Soundtrack | AO3
Chapter 4
Spring 2001
He’s strolling through the city library, waiting for his mother to finish checking out the books she wants him to read to ‘build his character and regain his self-esteem’. That’s when he sees the magazine. It lies abandoned on a table, his own terrified face staring out at him from the front cover. He freezes in his steps, his heart beating so fast in his chest it hurts. Without thinking he grabs the magazine and stuffs it under his jacket. Once home he runs up to his room to read.
Jensen knows he was kidnapped by a bad man and then rescued by the police. That much he’s been able to figure out from the memory flashes he has from that day and what little his parents will talk about in his presence. The bad man had been shot and, even if Jensen can’t remember it happening or find any scar on his body to prove it, he must have been shot as well, because he was stuck in the hospital for so long and everyone treated him like he had cancer or something.
No one ever talks to him about it though and the few times he’s tried asking by pointing a finger gun towards himself his mother freaks out and he has to spend at least two hours in an emergency meeting with his therapist. By now he’s stopped asking but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to know.
Maybe now he'll finally get some answers.
He turns the pages of the magazine quickly until he finally finds the right article. The words instantly jump out at him, stabbing his gut like a knife. ‘...missing three weeks... known sex offender... suspected abuse... former victims... pedophile...’
He’s only twelve but he knows stuff, he hears things. He listens to people talk when they forget he’s there. When they think he’s deaf or brain damaged or just plain stupid. He knows what these words mean. What they mean in regards to him.
His hands shake as he rips the magazine apart, faster and faster until there are shreds of glossy paper flying all over the room like buzzing blowflies. But he can’t rip the image of himself, bloody and screaming, from his mind. He can’t erase the words from his brain, the fear and disgust and desperation from his heart.
That night his mother finds him lying on the bathroom floor, choking on half a bottle of Valium.
------------
Present day
“Okay, shoot. What do you need?”
Jared sucks in his breath. He feels ridiculous all of a sudden. One argument and he’s freaking out. So stupid. He shouldn’t be here, blabbering Jensen’s business to a complete stranger. That’s not how it’s done. Jensen would kill him if he knew. No, scratch that. Chris would kill him. Jensen would most likely paint a picture of him being tortured in Hell.
Mike is watching him with sympathetic eyes. “Jared,” he says. His voice is soft and soothing, and Jared can’t help thinking he’ll make a pretty good shrink some day. “I know I’m not practicing yet but I promise, whatever you tell me, I’ll keep to myself. Doctor-patient confidentiality. Or just friend-to-friend confidentiality, doesn’t matter. You can trust me.”
Jared swallows. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” he admits. “I’m fucking it up. I’m fucking everything up. I don’t know... Dammit.” He rubs a hand over his face. “I told him he was a selfish jerk, who didn’t care about anyone. The guy was freaking out, and I ran out on him because... Because he hurt my feelings. Jesus. I’m not a kid. I should be able to handle a few... looks. ‘Cause it’s not as if he even said anything. Just... Fuck, it’s so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” Mike tells him gently. “Just because he’s having a hard time doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.”
“That’s what I said!” Jared groans. “And then I ran out and slammed the- Shit!” He jumps to his feet, reaching for his jacket. “Chris is gonna kill me.”
“Jared, sit down.” The voice is firm, commanding, and Jared drops back down on the couch without thinking. “Whatever that means that you slammed the door? It was last night. Chances are Jensen or Chris have already dealt with it by now.”
“He’s afraid of loud noises,” Jared says in a small voice. He feels like crying. “He hates loud noises and I, I just...”
“You got upset and made a small mistake. It’s okay.”
Jared shakes his head. “No, it’s not. I thought I was helping him. He said I did. That I helped him get the words out. I thought I was so special. That maybe I could make him better. Like some goddamn magic healer or something. And then at the first sign of trouble I walk away from him. Some boyfriend I am.”
“You’re involved?” Mike asks, clearly surprised.
Jared nods. “We were anyway. Not sure he’ll ever want to see me again after this.”
Mike studies him silently. “Can you tell me a bit more?” he finally says. “I’m just trying to get some idea of what we’re talking about here. You don’t have to share anything you think he’d want to keep private.”
“What little I know I got from Google,” Jared admits. He laughs, embarrassed. “God, that sounds so freaky. I learned my boyfriend’s secrets through Google. Shit.”
Mike smiles a little. “Okay. I assume that’s public record then. How about you show me that, and we go from there? You comfortable with that?”
Jared nods, discreetly wiping his eyes with his fingers. He waits while Mike starts up his laptop then types the search words into the Google search bar. As soon as the results pop up he moves away. “I can’t read that stuff again. Mind if I get some water?”
“There’s beer in the fridge,” Mike says absently, eyes on the screen. “Knock yourself out.”
It’s not even noon yet but Jared accepts the offer gratefully. He doesn’t think he can be sober for this. The next hour he finishes off two beers and a jar of pickles he finds in the fridge. Not the best breakfast he’s had but not the worst either. Every now and then he looks over at Mike who’s still clicking through articles, then looks away again, feeling awkward and guilty. Public record or not, it doesn’t mean Jensen would like it broadcasted.
Finally Mike closes the laptop with a quiet click and raises his head to meet Jared’s eyes. “Shit,” he says, and Jared can’t help it; he starts laughing.
“Is that your expert opinion?” he asks when he finally gets his breath back. “‘Shit’?”
Mike cracks a small smile. “With a side order of Holy Fuck. Yeah, I think that about covers it.” His face turn serious again. “That picture... Really disturbing.”
Jared nods. He feels sick just thinking about it. “The guy’s brain went splat in Jensen’s face. In his mouth. That’s just...” He shudders. “Chris thinks that’s why Jensen doesn’t like talking, because he has to open his mouth. I don’t know. He seems pretty okay eating and, you know, kissing. And stuff.”
Mike frowns. “He doesn’t talk at all? Not even at home?”
“Just a few words but mostly, no. He told me he can’t get the words out.”
Mike raises his eyebrows in surprise. “He told you?”
“Last night. He got upset when he realized I’d been the one to take him home, and suddenly he was just talking. Like, whole sentences flowing out, easy as pie. Until he realized what he was doing. Then it was like he closed up even tighter. He was fighting to say more, and he just... couldn’t. It looked like he was choking.”
Mike nods. “Yeah. That can happen with mutism. The throat closes up. It can be painful, especially if he’s really fighting it. I think it’s pretty interesting though that he forgot he couldn’t talk, even if it was just for a few minutes. Especially if he doesn’t even talk at home. Which I’d say rules out selective mutism. Could be a conversion disorder, I’ll have to read up on that.” He frowns. “So he’s got post traumatic stress disorder with severe mutism and... Anything else?”
Jared shrugs. “Amnesia? Chris says he can’t remember what happened those three weeks. He remembers the rescue but nothing before that.” Jared hesitates. “Jensen drew me a picture of what he thinks happened. It was... pretty fucking horrible.”
“He thinks he was abused?”
Jared swallows. “Raped. He thinks he was raped.” He rubs a hand over his face. “God, what if it’s true? What if that sick fuck... Shit. He was ten years old, man. Not that it’s ever... But a ten year old kid? What kind of sick fuck does that?”
“You’d be surprised,” Mike murmurs absently. “Anything confirm that theory?”
“The fact that the guy was a convicted sex offender? And that...” Jared stops. His cheeks heat up.
“What?”
He squirms. “Okay, so... First time I met Jensen? He jumped me in the dark and gave me a blowjob. Just like that. Then he ran off, before I even got his name. I didn’t even see his face. I mean, that’s not normal, right?”
Mike bites his lips, thoughtful. “Promiscuity sometimes happens with PTSD, so it doesn’t necessarily have to mean sexual abuse although that does heighten the risk. You think he’s done it before?”
Jared nods. “Chris was pretty mad about it, but he didn’t seem surprised.”
“You think he’s still doing that? Jumping random guys?”
Jared blinks. He hadn’t thought of that. “Well, now I do! Shit.”
“Sorry.” Mike pinches the bridge of his nose. “This is way beyond my expertise, man. I don’t really know what to tell you. I’d say he needs to be in therapy, but maybe he already is.”
“What’s therapy gonna do for a guy that doesn’t talk?” Jared asks, exasperated.
“He can still be talked to. And he seems to be pretty good at expressing himself through art from what you’re telling me. He doesn’t write down what he wants to say?”
Jared shakes his head. “I think it’s not just vocal blockage, more like mental. Like I asked him if he’d thought of using sign language and he got mad. ‘Same thing, different language,’ according to him.”
“Again, he said that? So he does talk, occasionally?”
“Yeah. But only a few words.”
“Interesting.” Mike purses his lips in thought.
“I can tell you’re gonna be a great therapist,” Jared mutters. “You’ve got the evasive mannerism down to a T.”
Mike smiles. “Sorry. I read up on mutism last year after Jensen started working at The Bean. He intrigued me,” he admits with a shrug. “Like I said, most selective mutes still talk in what they consider safe settings, like at home, even if they can’t talk under more pressured circumstances, like at work or school. But it doesn’t sound like he can. Not easily anyway. Which makes me think it might be a conversion disorder. That’s when psychological issues manifests themselves as physical,” he explains. “Like people feel pain although physically there’s nothing wrong with them. Or they lose their sight or their motor skills in certain parts of their body. They can even become fully paralyzed. Conversion mutism is, however, very, very rare. Hardly any studies have been done on it, and the few recent ones I encountered involved cases where the person regained their voice within months or even days. He’s been like this for twelve years. That’s... really extreme. I mean, he got help, right?”
Jared nods. “Yeah. Was in therapy for years. Chris said he’s done the whole package, but nothing’s worked so far.” He frowns. “You were talking about safe settings? Jensen can talk to kids. Not much, but still.” He explains the whole art program, and how it seems to relax Jensen, being around what he seems to consider harmless beings.
“That is really interesting. And very promising. If he manages to talk around children, even if it’s just a few words, chances are with time it will get easier, both to get more words out and to transfer that to talking to adults. He already talks to you, right?”
Jared nods. “He’s said a few words to me. Again not much and sometimes he really has to fight to get them out, but at least it’s something.”
Mike gives him a small smile. “I’ve been going to The Black Bean since long before he started working there, and I’ve never heard him say a single word. Granted I’ve never gone to any of their kid art things, seeing as I neither have one nor am one. But if he can talk to you, if only a little, it seems he was telling the truth. You do help him get the words out. I’m sure that means a lot to him.”
Jared feels a little better, until he remembers Jensen will probably never talk to him again, and his face falls. “You know, I don’t really mind the silence but... I just don’t know how to deal with all his anger. He can be a real jerk, you know. Like, a total asshole. I thought I could handle it, but turns out that’s only as long as he’s being a jerk to someone else, not me. Honestly I don’t know how Chris does it. I’d have strangled the guy years ago.”
“Well, maybe you couldn’t handle it, because what he said struck a nerve,” Mike suggests. “What exactly did he say?”
“He didn’t really say anything,” Jared admits. He’s starting to feel all stupid again. “So okay, he felt humiliated that I had to take care of him. Like it gave me power over him or some shit like that. And I told him that was ridiculous, because I felt just as vulnerable as he was picturing himself. And he pretty much laughed at me. Apparently my issues are stupid, and I have no right to feel bad, because his problems are so much bigger. Which yeah, they are, but that doesn’t mean my problems don’t feel big to me.”
“And he told you this... how?” Mike asks confused.
Jared blushes. “He has a very expressive face when he wants it to be. It was pretty clear what he was thinking. I poured my heart out and he just... didn’t care.”
“I can see why that would hurt.” Mike studies him thoughtfully. “What are your issues exactly?”
Jared looks away. His face feels hot. “My parents hate me. Well, not me exactly. Although they will when they find out I’m... that I’m gay.” He picks at a loose thread in his jeans, unable to meet Mike’s eyes. “My parents hate gay people. Like really, really hate them. They’re like these nutjobs that show up at funerals with signs saying all gay people are going to hell. That’s what I had to grow up with. And when I realized I was... that I was one of them... I had to live with that for six years before I could finally get away. Six years of listening to them preach how being gay is the worst sin you could commit toward God. Worse than murder.”
“That is horrible,” Mike says quietly. “I’m sorry. No one should have to endure that.”
“And the stupid thing is now I’m here with people who know what I am and accept me, and... all I want is my mom. I just want my mama to... I just want her to tell me it’s okay to be... I just want her to tell me it’s okay.”
He cries, his shoulders shaking, and his chest hurting, face hidden in his hands. It’s the first time he’s admitted to himself that he’s actually not okay. That he misses them so damn much. That he’s scared, because he’s still just a kid, no matter what he tries to tell himself, and he feels so goddamn alone.
“Jared.”
Jared shakes his head.
“Hey, listen to me. You are right. That is big. Not just to you but to anyone. That would be pretty damn big to anyone.”
Jared wipes his face on the sleeve of his shirt. “Jensen doesn’t think so.”
Mike snorts. “Jensen probably thinks the holocaust wasn’t that bad, and I say that as a Jewish person who actually likes the guy.” He sighs when Jared looks at him, startled. “Okay, this is what I think. And bear in mind I’m not actually qualified - yet - and I’ve never talked to him. So I’m basing all of this on what you’ve been telling me, and on what I’ve noticed, watching him. Okay?”
Jared nods.
“Okay.” Mike takes a deep breath, eyes on Jared. “So here goes: I think Jensen might be so wrapped up in what happened to him, he’s having trouble sympathizing with you or anyone else. Nothing feels as big as what he went through himself, so other people’s problems seem trivial to him. Even faced with another rape victim - if that is indeed what happened to him - I think he’d be confident that his experience was worse. It’s not his fault, not really. He did go through something really horrible, and it pretty much ruined his life. And he’s never been able to work through it, probably because he hasn’t been able to talk about it. Instead he keeps it all locked up inside his head, both what he remembers, and everything he can’t remember but imagines happened. Which probably does a lot more damage than if he actually did remember. Since he doesn’t know what it is he needs to deal with, he can’t deal with it. So he’s stuck.”
Jared frowns. “When you say he has trouble sympathizing, do you mean he can’t feel that kind of emotions? Like compassion and... and...” Fuck. He can’t even say it.
“Love?” Mike suggests gently.
Jared nods, his cheeks burning.
“You say he’s a jerk to his friends? Might be because he doesn’t even realize he’s hurting them. Or if he does he can’t find it in him to care.”
Jared’s heart sinks. “So that’s a no then?”
“Not necessarily. You’ve been going out for a while, right?” Jared nods. “Well, do you think he cares about you?”
Jared thinks back on green eyes gazing up at him with concern. Remembers Jensen’s palm, resting over his heart. Jensen kissing him when he got upset and then keeping close, as if to protect him. That shy crooked smile that lights up every time Jared shows up. Jensen’s warm hand slipping into his and holding on tight, like letting go means losing each other.
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I really think he does.”
Mike smiles. “Then I wouldn’t give up on him just yet. Maybe you are helping him getting more than just the words out.”
--------------
Jensen jerks awake to the sound of the vacuum cleaner. He lies staring out the window for a long time before rolling over. Chris is vacuuming the floor. There are bags of trash stacked up against the door, waiting to be taken out. Oh. Fuck.
Chris glances over when he notices Jensen getting up but instantly turns away again, focusing on his task as if Jensen isn’t standing there, trying to get his attention. ‘I’m sorry,’ he wants to say, and, ‘You should have woken me up. I can clean my own fucking mess.’ Chris keeps his eyes on the floor, and Jensen gives up. He goes to the bathroom and brushes his teeth, pees, shaves, and then brushes his teeth again, all the time avoiding his reflection in the mirror. When he comes back out, Chris is sitting by the kitchen table, drinking coffee. He looks tired but not as pissed off as Jensen thought he’d be, considering the place was pretty much trashed.
He pours himself a cup before sitting down opposite, waiting for Chris to say something. Seconds tick by. Minutes. Then finally, “What happened?”
Jensen swallows. He drops his gaze, watching the steam float up from his coffee. He draws an invisible J on the table with his index finger.
“Jared?” Chris asks quietly. “Something happened with Jared?”
Jensen rubs over the same place with his thumb, wiping the letter out.
“You broke up?”
He nods.
“Shit. Why?”
Isn’t that the million dollar question? Jensen looks up, biting at his upper lip. He opens his mouth then closes it again. His throat hurts. His vision is a little blurry, so he blinks, trying to clear it. Chris’s eyes widen.
“You’re crying,” he says, sounding shocked. “Hey, what...? Jensen, you... you’re crying.”
Jensen wipes at his eyes with his fingers. They come away wet. That’s the second time now. He doesn’t know what to make of it.
“Oh hey, come on. It can’t be that bad.” Chris reaches over and puts his hand over Jensen’s, squeezing it. “Let me guess, you were a jerk and hurt his feelings, so he told you to go to hell. Something like that.” He shrugs when Jensen stares at him. “Dude, I know you. It was only a matter of time before you got to him. I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. He must have thicker skin than I thought.”
Jensen swallows. It’s not like he doesn’t know he’s a dick, even if he doesn’t usually notice until it’s too late. But he hadn’t realized he was that bad. Fuck.
“I’m guessing you said something mean. About... him? His feelings?” Jensen looks away. “He told you something important, and you blew it off?” Jensen shrugs, and Chris sighs. “Okay, I need you to actually tell me, Jensen. I can’t read your mind, and I really want to help you fix this.”
Jensen closes his eyes. He breathes slowly. In, out. In, out. Then picks up the ever present paper and pencil and shakily draws a picture of Jared as a small boy, hugging himself as he looks out over a vast ocean.
Chris looks thoughtful. “He told you he feels lost, alone... small?”
Jensen nods. He swallows. “I laughed,” he chokes out.
Chris sucks in his breath. “Okay. That’s not good. Do you know why he feels small?”
Jensen draws a quick picture of a couple, both with crosses in their raised fists. They look mean, angry, hateful. Behind them is a torch-carrying mob; in front of them Jared is backing away. He’s crying.
“That’s what he’s running from?” Chris says, looking at Jensen for confirmation.
He nods.
“His parents don’t approve that he’s gay?”
Jensen hesitates, not sure how to explain. Finally he takes a deep breath, clears his throat. “They don’t know. They keep...” He coughs, annoyed, before pointing at his phone. Then points at the picture of Jared and shakes his head.
“They call but he doesn’t answer?”
Jensen nods. “He’s angry. But...” He points at the drawing of Jared by the ocean.
“He feels lonely.”
Jensen nods again. “He’s afraid they’re right, that being gay means he’s worthless.” He blinks. That’s probably the longest sentence he’s ever said. Huh.
“He told you that?”
Jensen opens his mouth but this time nothing comes out, and finally he just shakes his head. Chris gazes at him, looking like he’s about to burst with pride.
“You just know?” Chris asks. “You can tell? Like, you can feel that that’s how he’s feeling?”
Jensen nods, and Chris’s face breaks out in a smile. “That’s great! That’s the best news I’ve ever heard!”
Jensen blinks. What?
“Jensen, that’s empathy. It’s the first time you’ve ever shown empathy. Towards anyone. I mean, you’ve faked it, plenty of times. Even fooled me once or twice. But not this time. This time you actually felt it. That’s.... Oh man, that’s wonderful.” Chris laughs when Jensen just stares at him, totally confused. “That’s why you’re crying. Because you hurt his feelings, and him hurting hurts you. You’ve never felt like that before. About anyone.”
Oh. What does that mean?
“I think it means you love him,” Chris says, all happy. “Oh wow. That... That is amazing.”
Jensen stares at him. His vision goes blurry again, and he blinks, wiping at his wet face. Amazing? How can it be amazing, when it hurts so damn much?
“Jensen, this is good. This is... This is wonderful. No, look at me. It’s okay, we’ll fix it. I promise you, we’ll get him back.”
Jensen shakes his head. No. It’s too late. Jared is gone. He’s gone, and he’s not coming back. Jensen’s shoulders start to shake. His head hurts, and his throat hurts, and his eyes prickle all hot and itchy. Fuck. Crying really sucks.
---------
The Black Bean closes early on Sundays. Seven to be exact. Jared has this all figured out. He’ll pick up Jensen after work, they’ll hug it out, he’ll take Jensen to dinner, and a movie and then... something.
Okay, so he doesn’t really have it all figured out. Basically he just wants to take Jensen out on a proper date. So far all they’ve done is walk a lot and talk over coffee. It hasn’t really felt like they were dating, more like they were hanging out. But if he’s going to help Jensen find his own heart, he needs to step up the romance. For all he knows Jensen didn’t even realize they were dating. Maybe he just thought they were friends who sometimes kissed. That is actually rather worrying. Damn.
Jared hesitates outside the door, watching through the window as Jensen wipes off the tables and gathers leftover cups and dishes, taking them over to the counter. His face is void of expression, like a pretty plastic mask. Jared can’t even tell if he’s upset or just bored. Chris is at the register, shooting Jensen what looks like worried glances as he works. Chris looks over to the door just as Jared steps closer, and his face freezes for a moment before relaxing in an obvious display of relief. He gives Jared a huge smile and motions him to come inside.
Guess this is it.
The doorbell pings as he opens the door, and Jensen’s head snaps up, like his ears had been straining to hear that particular sound. His eyes widen when he sees Jared standing there with an uncertain smile on his face. “Jared,” he breathes, the word stumbling out as if he’s kept it on the tip of his tongue all day.
“Hey,” Jared says. “Can we talk? I mean...” He laughs, all awkward. “You know what I mean.”
Jensen bites his lip. He’s blinking his eyes rapidly, his chest rising and falling with every labored breath. He’s still holding the table rag in one hand, and a couple of coffee cups in the other. He shifts on his feet then grimaces, jaw clenching. Anger and annoyance spark in his eyes.
Jared’s heart sinks. “It’s okay,” he says and forces out a small smile. “Don’t worry about it. Just... take care of yourself.” He turns away, thinking he should say a proper goodbye, but he can’t really get the words out. If this is in any way close to how Jensen feels, there’s no wonder he’s so irritated all the time.
A loud crash has Jared almost jumping out of his skin. He turns around to find Jensen still standing in the same spot, but the cups lie broken at his feet along with the wet rag. There are tears running down Jensen’s face, and he wipes at them angrily with the back of his hand, eyes set on Jared. He opens his mouth and closes it again, his face contorted in a grimace.
“I’m trying!” he finally chokes out. “To apologize and you...” He waves his hand toward the door. “Again!”
Jared blinks. Oh. “I’m sorry. I thought you were trying to find the words to dump me.”
Jensen frowns. “You dumped me!” he says irritated.
Jared smiles. Jensen looks so annoyed. It’s adorable. “No. I didn’t. We just had an argument.”
“I was a jerk, and you... you left.” The tears start flowing again, and Jensen wipes at them angrily with the sleeve of his t-shirt, growling deep in his chest when they just keep on coming.
“Hey,” Jared says softly. He walks over, carefully treading around the broken shards until he’s close enough that he can lay his hands on Jensen’s shoulders. “Hey,” he repeats, letting his hands slide up until he’s rubbing his thumbs under Jensen’s ears and stroking his neck with his fingers. “Look at me.”
Jensen looks up. His eyes are rimmed red, and his nose is pink, and his face is wet and blotchy. Jared doesn’t think he’s ever looked more beautiful.
“You care,” Jared says, happy. “You really care about me.”
Jensen hitches his breath. The look on his face spells out ‘DUH!’ in big bold letters.
Jared grins. “I’m gonna kiss you now, okay?”
Jensen rolls his eyes and grabs Jared by the neck, pulling him in and kissing him hard. Jared laughs into his mouth. He feels happy, elevated. Like he’s got the whole world right here in his arms. He doesn’t even notice he’s clutching Jensen close to his chest until he feels him hugging back, arms tight around his waist.
-----------
“So you really like me, huh? Well, I am awesome.”
Jensen flips Jared the finger, but he can’t keep from smiling. Jared laughs, arm around his shoulder. He’s big, and strong, and warm where he’s pressed against Jensen’s side, and every now and then he’ll lean over and kiss Jensen on the forehead, or temple, or mouth if Jensen is quick enough to turn his head up to meet him. It’s all Jensen can do not to start crying again. He’s like a fucking girl about to have her first period, his stupid emotions jumping all over the place. Jesus fucking Christ.
They had dinner at some Italian place Jared had apparently made reservations at before coming over. The food was delicious, the warmth of Jared’s leg pressing against his under the table was nice and comforting, and the loving gaze Jared kept sending him every time he looked up was enough to have Jensen’s heart speed up in his chest.
This is it, he thinks. He’s in a relationship. He never thought he’d get this far with anyone, but if he can do this then he can do the rest. He can be nice, and considerate and not a jerk. He can be the kind of person Jared needs. The kind of person Jared would love. Because he does care. And that’s what matters. All you need is love, right? He can do this. He can love someone. In fact he thinks Chris might be right, he already is in love with Jared. That must be what this is, this strange and scary feeling in his chest that has him smiling every time Jared smiles at him. That makes him tear up at the most stupid things and want to grab Jared’s hand and never let go, ever. Love. Yes. He needs to tell Jared about that, about being in love with him. Soon. Preferably before he does something stupid again.
“What do you want to do?” Jared asks. He’s rubbing his thumb over Jensen’s collarbone, and it’s really distracting. Jensen ducks his head and gives Jared’s thumb a light bite before looking up with smirk. Jared laughs. “That won’t get us arrested,” he clarifies.
Jensen sighs. That doesn’t sound as fun. Not that he’ll ever admit it to Jared or even himself, but he kinda misses the blowjobs. He thinks he’s pretty good at giving head. He doesn’t really want to think about why he’s so good at giving head. It’s stupid anyway. It was twelve years ago, whatever skills he might have been taught he would have lost them by now. Most likely he’s good because he’s been ‘blowing guys all over campus’, as Chris so eloquently put it. Not something he’s really proud of, but it doesn’t exactly bother him either. It’s happened that he’s run into some of them again, accidentally or they’ve come to the coffee house, like Jared did, but he always pretends he doesn’t recognize them, and even if they send him an awkward glance or two, so far no one besides Jared has ever called him out on it. Not that he would care. If they’d call him a cocksucker it’s only because they got their cock sucked.
It doesn’t matter. That part of his life is over now. And the tests came back negative, so he’s fine in that department. “Damn lucky,” Chris had grumbled, looking close to tears with relief. Jensen had just shrugged, feigning indifference, but he’d felt lighter in his chest, and when Jared came by the next day Jensen had pushed him up against the door and kissed him, until they both felt dizzy and had to sit down.
He shifts slightly, the thought enough to make his dick twitch. He’s getting damn tired of ‘taking things slow’. It’s been weeks, and apart from that one time at Jared’s dorm all they’ve ever done is kiss. Every time he moves to try and get things rolling, Jared backs away with an awkward smile and some stupid excuse. It’s fucking annoying. He gets that Jared is young and inexperienced but come on! Not like he doesn’t jerk himself off. What’s the big deal letting someone else do it?
“What’s got you all pissy?” Jared asks, pulling him out of his thought. He sounds amused rather than worried, and Jensen scowls at him. Jared snorts. “You’re cute as hell when you’re annoyed about something, you know that?”
Jensen elbows him, but Jared just laughs, and Jensen can’t keep from smiling either, despite his best efforts. He likes seeing Jared happy. He stands taller, looks more confident, like being happy fills him up and makes his chest broader and his body stronger. It’s one hell of a turn-on, frankly, having such a big strong boyfriend, ready to catch him if he should fall.
Now there’s a thought…
Jensen looks up at Jared, his smile turning sly.
Jared grins back. “What?” he asks. “What is that look? Should I be worried?”
Jensen shrugs, faking innocence. Then he stumbles, tripping over a non-existent crack in the sidewalk, and just like that he’s in Jared’s arms, pressed tight up against him.
“You okay?” Jared laughs. “I thought you were gonna... Oh. Oh! Jensen, we can’t...”
Jensen sticks his tongue deeper down Jared’s throat, shutting him up. It’s dark, there’s no one around, and the bushes of the driveway he pulled Jared into offer some shelter. It’s all they need for this. Jared’s dick is heavy in his hand, thick, and long and warm. Jensen is itching to drop to his knees but Jared seems ready to jump out of his skin, he’s so nervous, so this will have to do. His movements are quick and sure, and he keeps his mouth on Jared’s, swallowing the moans, and groans, and small hitches of breath Jared isn’t able to hold back.
‘Like that,’ Jensen wants to say. ‘You like it. You fucking love it. Now imagine what else we can do. Come on. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon.’
Jared spills over his hand, his whole body shaking, and his fingers digging painfully into Jensen’s hip. “Oh God,” he says once he gets his breath back. “Jesus, Jensen, you... Give a guy a warning next time, okay?”
Jensen frowns. They’re boyfriends for fuck’s sake. What more warning does he need? He turns away, slipping into the yard to wipe his hand on the grass, and when he comes back Jared has tucked himself in and done up his pants and is standing there all awkward and unsure.
“Jen,” he says, reaching out and tugging Jensen closer. “Hey.” He nuzzles into Jensen’s neck and kisses him on the ear. “You don’t need to do that, okay?”
Jensen goes still. What?
“I’m okay with this. Just being with you. We don’t need to rush anything. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
Jensen pulls back, staring at Jared in disbelief. Rush? Rush what? They never do anything! What the fuck is he talking about?
Jared gazes back at him, all sympathetic eyes and worry, and suddenly Jensen gets it. Oh no. Hell no. He grabs Jared’s hand and presses it to his dick, all hard and wanting, all the while keeping his eyes locked on Jared’s.
‘This feel like a scared little boy to you, Jared?’ he tries to say. ‘This feel like I’m doing this out of fear of losing you, or because, hell, my brainwashed kiddie training kicked in?’
Jared stares back at him, startled, and tries to pull away but Jensen won’t let him.
‘I want this, you moron. I’ve been taking things slow for you, not me. I’m fucking dying of blue balls here, okay?’
“Jensen...” Jared sighs sadly and goddammit, that’s it.
Jensen growls in frustration, undoes his jeans and pulls out his dick. His gaze never strays away from Jared as he jerks himself off, fast and hard, only closing his eyes for a second when he comes. When he opens them again Jared is staring at him, mouth open and eyes wide. Jensen reaches out and wipes his hand angrily on Jared’s t-shirt, before tucking himself in. Then he straightens up, eyes fixed on Jared, breath still heaving. There, this is how it’s done.
“Fuck,” Jared says, his voice a little strangled. “You really don’t beat around the bush, do you?” He stops, seeming to remember their surroundings. “Uhm, unfortunate choice of words. Jensen, I... I don’t know what you want. I’m trying to understand, but it’s fucking confusing, okay?”
Jensen rolls his eyes. This is getting ridiculous. “I want you,” he grits out.
Jared’s eyes soften. “You’ve got me,” he says. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”
“No. I want you.” He grabs Jared by the shirt and pulls him in. “Want you.” He kisses him, hard, deep. “Want you.” Slips his hand down the back of Jared’s pants, cupping his ass. “Want.”
“Oh.” Jared hitches his breath. “You sure? I don’t want you to be...”
Jensen growls and bites his ear.
“Okay, okay. Fuck, yes. I want you, too, okay? Jesus.” Jared laughs, a little out of breath. “Just... not here. We need to... God, Jen, I’m...” He yelps. “Stop. Jensen... Not here!”
Jensen lets out a frustrated sigh and steps back. Of course he knows they can’t do that here but they can still make out, right? Jared is young, he should be able to get it up again soon enough. Now that Jared’s finally getting with the program Jensen just wants to grab him before he changes his mind again.
“I want to do this right, okay?” Jared says. “Not because... I want this to be more than just a fuck in an alley. I’m damn nervous. I’ve never done this before.”
Jensen smiles patiently, or at least he tries to, although he thinks it might look more irritated. It’s not like he’s asking Jared to give up his cherry, even if that would be pretty amazing. He just wants to get Jared naked, so he can lick him all over. And what about a little payback? So far he’s gotten Jared off three times while getting nothing in return. How’s that fair?
“Okay, you’re doing that thing again where you stare at me, and your nose gets all scrunched up, and I have no idea what the hell you’re thinking, but I know it ain’t good,” Jared says, looking flustered. “What is it?”
Jensen opens his mouth but his words are stuck again. Fuck. He purses his lips then gives Jared a tight smile. He makes a rude gesture with his hands and raises his eyebrows then shakes his head. Jared frowns.
“We’re not having sex?” he asks confused.
Jensen shrugs, wrinkling his nose to show he doesn’t care. He looks down at Jared’s crotch then up at his mouth, tilts his head a little and shoves his tongue into the pocket of his cheek.
Jared blinks. The corner of his mouth twitches. “You want to blow me?” he asks, cheeks flushing red.
Jensen smirks and just watches him, waiting. Jared frowns. He licks his lips, and Jensen can’t help following the motion with his eyes, teeth biting at his lower lip.
“Oh,” Jared suddenly exclaims, eyes widening. “Oh! Oh damn, I haven’t...” He groans. “Why didn’t you say something? I mean... Fuck.” He lays his hand on Jensen’s neck, pulling him in to rest their foreheads together. “I’m a selfish asshole, aren’t I?”
Jensen chuckles. That’s more his department. But yeah, it would be nice to get a little something in return. After all they are boyfriends. This is what you do in a relationship, right? He looks into Jared’s eyes, searching for any hint of fear, in case that’s what’s really holding him back, but Jared just looks embarrassed and possibly turned on. Still... Jensen raises his eyebrow and puts on his best concerned look. For once Jared seems to get it right away, because he shakes his head, smiling.
“I’m totally cool. More than cool. I was just... I wanted you to hold the ropes, call the shots. I mean, I don’t really know what you’re comfortable with, considering...” He takes a deep breath. “I didn’t wanna trigger you.”
Jensen purses his lips. Of course he’s aware of that possibility. Until now it’s always been his decision, him going after what he wants. He’s not sure what Jared taking what he wants will do. He points at himself and fakes being scared then points at Jared and gestures time-out. It’s not a question.
Jared gazes at him, the streetlight glittering in his eyes. He pulls Jensen in and holds him, loose and gentle but still all there, like a pillar of safety. “I will,” he chokes out. “I promise. And you have to promise to let me know if, if I do something wrong.”
Considering his usual response is freaking the fuck out, Jensen doesn’t really think he’ll have any way of hiding it, but he nods anyway and gives Jared a small smile after pulling back. The moment is pretty much gone by now though, so he just kisses Jared quickly and then tugs at his hand, pulling him out of the shadows.
“Are we...?” Jared asks confused, and Jensen shakes his head. Jared relaxes. He puts his arm around Jensen’s shoulders and kisses him on the ear as they fall easily in step. “Movie?” he asks. “You want to go out? Or we could watch something at your place,” he continues when Jensen hesitates. “Since my place has... Chad.”
Jensen nods. He’s not a big fan of movie theaters. They tend to get really loud, and the air is warm and stuffy, and everyone sits way too close. Even if he picks a seat right by the exit he still feels trapped. Plus, finding a movie that doesn’t have guns blazing, or other stuff that sets him off is a challenge. At least when he’s at home he can turn the sound off or just walk out if it becomes too much. Of course being at home means Chris will be there.
That’s another thing. Even if he and Jared did want to fuck, he doesn’t even know where they would go. It’s the first time he’s regretted the studio apartment and its complete lack of privacy. He’s no good with closed environments, with small rooms or locked doors, that’s why they chose it. He’s smart enough to know what that probably means, but it’s not something he likes to dwell on. He doesn’t really like to dwell on anything related to his obscure past. Not anymore.
His psychiatrist kept telling him he had to face his fears; that he had to reach beyond them. He’d glared at her, mouth set in a stubborn line. She didn’t know, none of them did. They didn’t understand. Face his fucking fears. Like he had some stupid arachnophobia or whatever. How the hell is he supposed to face his fears if he doesn’t even know what he’s afraid of?
As far as he’s concerned ignoring the obvious and pretending nothing is wrong works way better.
---------
Chris is lounging on the couch watching The Amazing Race when they arrive. He looks up as Jensen opens the door, his face relaxing when he sees Jared by his side. “Oh hey. You guys have a nice time?”
He sounds like a dad talking to his teenage daughter, and Jared can feel Jensen tensing. He quickly tightens his hold around Jensen’s shoulders and says, “Yeah. It was good.”
Chris’s gaze travels downwards, and his lips twist into a smirk. “I can see that,” he says.
Both Jared and Jensen look down at the same time, spotting the rather obvious smear across Jared’s shirt. Jared flushes warm all over with embarrassment, but Jensen just looks back at Chris with a smirk of his own.
“Free of charge,” he says, voice dripping with sarcasm, and it’s Chris’s turn to be embarrassed.
“That wasn’t... I didn’t...” He looks up at Jared, flustered and clearly worried. “That was a misunderstanding, okay? I never thought... Not really. I mean... Shit.”
Jared blinks. “Okay. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Chris breathes out in relief. “Good,” he says, smiling awkwardly. “Let’s keep it that way, shall we? Jensen? Buddy? Right?”
Jensen smirks. He walks over to the set of drawers and pulls out a blue t-shirt that he throws at Jared, then stands watching with a smug smile as Jared strips and changes, feeling self-conscious and stupidly turned on at the same time. The t-shirt is tight and too short, but it smells like Jensen, and it feels soft and warm against his chilled skin. Jensen’s smile turns positively sleazy as he runs an appreciative gaze over Jared’s body. Then he walks over to the fridge and pulls out a couple of beers, handing one to Jared before flopping down on the couch, giving Chris a pointed look. Chris pretends not to notice, but after a moment of intense staring he grumbles and moves over to the chair. Jared laughs awkwardly as he sits down in the vacated space on the couch, blushing when Jensen pulls him closer and lays a possessive hand high up on his thigh.
“Try and keep things PG-13, will ya?” Chris mutters. “This is not porn central.”
Jared cringes. He didn’t think he could get any redder, but it seems that yes, he can. Jensen just snorts, but when Jared looks over at him a while later he doesn’t look smug anymore, just relaxed and happy. Jared smiles and lays an arm over Jensen’s shoulder, and Jensen leans in, snuggling closer, until he’s pretty much plastered to Jared’s side. Chris shifts in his chair, quickly looking away when Jared glances over but not quickly enough to hide the hopeful look in his eyes.
After a while Chris clears his throat and gets up. “Think I’ll go for a walk,” he says, all casual. “Grab a beer somewhere.”
Jensen watches Chris silently as he gets his jacket and puts on his boots, but as he reaches the door Jensen sucks in his breath and says, “Call Sophia.”
Chris looks over his shoulder, clearly surprised. “Yeah?” he says, sounding hesitant but hopeful.
Jensen nods and gives him a small smile that Chris returns with a grateful grin of his own. Then he’s gone, the door closed behind him, and the room filled with possibilities.
“How long has he been holding back because of you?” Jared asks carefully.
Jensen shrugs, wriggling his fingers indecisively, but he looks a little guilty.
“You’re a total tyrant, aren’t you?” Jared jokes, smiling to make sure Jensen knows he’s only half-serious. But Jensen just nods and doesn’t smile back. He’s staring at the TV screen but his eyes are unfocused and when Jared reaches for the remote and starts flipping through the channels, Jensen doesn’t even blink.
“What do you want to watch?” Jared asks to distract Jensen from whatever thoughts are making him so broody.
Jensen shrugs. He takes Jared’s hand, watching their fingers braid together in a perfect tangle of tan skin and pale freckles. He seems lost in thought, there’s a crease between his eyebrows that keeps getting deeper, and he’s biting at his lower lip, nibbling and tugging at the corner with his teeth until there’s a bruised swollen patch just begging to be soothed. So Jared leans over and kisses it.
Jensen blinks and looks up, his face breaking into a smile like he’d forgotten Jared was there. He kisses Jared back, soft at first then more heated, shifting in his seat to get better access. Jared lays one hand on Jensen’s hip, steadying him, but Jensen just keeps shifting and turning, until he’s straddling Jared on the couch, fingers tangled in his hair and ass pressing down on Jared’s half-hard dick. Jared sucks in his breath, kissing Jensen a little harder, his hands holding loosely on to Jensen’s hips, feeling the rough denim under his palms, and the smoothness of Jensen’s skin where his thumbs slip under the t-shirt.
“Wow,” he breathes when Jensen lets go of his mouth to kiss a path down his neck. “Didn’t know Phil Keoghan turned you on.”
Jensen laughs softly then growls and bites Jared’s neck, hard enough that he knows there will be a mark. Jared’s hips jerk, and he groans when the pressure on his dick doubles. Jensen breathes out against his neck, his hands moving down and under Jared’s shirt, roaming over his chest and stomach.
“Fuck. I wanna... Take your shirt off,” Jared groans. “Wanna see you. C’mon.”
Jensen pulls back and tugs his shirt over his head, throwing it aside, and Jared lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He’s not sure what he was expecting but Jensen’s skin is smooth and flawless, pale chest with brown nipples, and freckles that spread over his shoulders and down his arms. Jensen reaches for the hem of Jared’s t-shirt, pulling and fighting with the too tight material until it finally comes off. Then, without a warning, he latches on to Jared’s nipple, sucking it into his mouth.
“Jesus! Jensen... Oh God.” Jared’s head falls back. His hips keep jerking until they’re set in a rhythm, rubbing his dick against Jensen’s ass. If they keep on like this he’s gonna come in his pants. “Can we..? Bed. Please.”
Jensen pulls back, his eyes dark and heated. He’s panting slightly, his cheeks flushed and his lips wet and red from rubbing against the slight stubble on Jared’s throat. He slides off Jared’s lap and stands up, grabbing Jared’s hand and jerking him to his feet before pulling him across the room and to his bed. The windows are big and uncovered, offering a view for all the world to see but Jensen doesn’t seem to care the slightest as he pushes Jared down on the bed and starts working on getting his own jeans off.
“Wait.” Jared sits up and grabs Jensen’s hand. “Let me. I wanna... Can I?”
Jensen hesitates for a moment then breathes in deep and nods, hands falling to his sides. He looks oddly vulnerable standing there waiting, as if he doesn’t quite know how to handle being tended to instead of the other way around. Jared lays his hands on Jensen’s hips, thumbs stroking soothingly up and down his hipbones before pulling him closer and burying his nose in the soft down of Jensen’s treasure trail.
“You smell so good, you know that?” he murmurs. “So good. Like lemons and coffee and paint.” Jensen breathes out a laugh, his stomach shaking with it under Jared’s mouth. Jared moves his hands down front to undo the button of Jensen’s jeans, pausing to glance up at Jensen for any signs of distress. Jensen’s eyes are closed, tongue licking his lips, and when Jared pulls down the zipper Jensen breathes out a small whimper, like the anticipation is killing him.
“Smell even better here,” Jared continues, tugging Jensen’s jeans and boxer briefs down his hips and nuzzling into the nest of curls. “Fuck, I can smell your come from earlier. It’s on your skin, all musky and so damn hot.”
Jensen’s breath is coming in short shallow gasps now. His hands move up to rest on Jared’s head, twisting the strands of hair between his fingers until it almost hurts. Jared tugs the jeans and boxers down further and Jensen’s dick springs free, hard and long with a string of precome leading from the tip and down to his underwear. He’s even paler there, like creamed butter, the freckles picking up the trail at the top of his thighs and multiplying the further down his legs they reach.
“I want to taste you. Just... don’t laugh,” Jared says, licking his lips nervously. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
He doesn’t wait for Jensen’s answer, chances are he won’t get one anyway, but circles Jensen’s cock with his fingers and slips it into his mouth. There’s a gasp, loud and shocked, but Jensen doesn’t pull back or push him away. Jensen’s dick is thick and heavy on Jared’s tongue, the skin smooth like silk. He can taste the precome, salty and slick, and underneath it a more bitter taste, the remains of Jensen’s come since earlier. It’s as hot as it is weird.
Jensen’s fingers tighten in Jared’s hair as he closes his lips around him, there’s a soft noise that sounds almost like a sob but other than that Jensen keeps completely still and totally silent. Jared doesn’t mind, he’s too busy concentrating on doing this right. He’s imagined this plenty of times, especially the last few weeks, but it doesn’t really compare to the real thing. He runs his tongue along the ridge of the head and then down, feeling the drop-shaped slit tighten around the tip of his tongue, before he lays it flat again and takes Jensen deeper in, sucking a bit harder than before. He tries to remember what Jensen did to him but it’s not like he was taking notes at the time. Still, after a while he feels he’s getting the hang of it even if it’s wetter and way more slobbery than when Jensen blew him. Jensen doesn’t seem to mind, in fact he’s hitching his breath, thighs trembling and hands fumbling at Jared’s head, like he doesn’t know whether to pull him closer or hold him still.
“Jared,” he whispers suddenly. “Oh.”
Jared sucks him down as deep as he can, and Jensen’s hips jerk forward, almost choking him. It happens so fast Jared doesn’t even have time to wonder if he should pull back or not. Jensen shudders and gasps and then he falls forward, cradling Jared’s head against his stomach as he shakes with the aftermath. His knees suddenly buckle and Jared quickly catches him then gently lowers him down on the bed.
“You okay? Jen?”
Jensen doesn’t answer. His body is still shaking and his breath hitches, again and again. He raises his arm but it falls back on the bed again, boneless. He still won’t open his eyes. Jared leans over to kiss him, remembering at the last minute that his face is all wet with spit and come and he wipes it quickly on his bicep.
“Jensen, hey,” he says, nudging Jensen’s cheek with his nose then kisses him on the temple since he’s not sure what the policy is on kissing on the mouth after a blowjob. Jensen doesn’t move.
Jared pulls slowly away. Jensen still has his jeans down around his knees so Jared pulls them the rest of the way off and arranges him more comfortably on the bed. Jared’s still wearing his own jeans, dick pressing so hard against his zipper it hurts, but he just adjusts himself and lets it be for now. He lies down next to Jensen on the bed, head propped up on his hand as he watches him. Jensen is not sleeping, Jared can tell as much. Rather he seems to be hiding.
“Was I bad? Jared asks quietly.
Jensen shakes his head. He bites his lips together then pulls them apart, teeth still clenched tight, and breathes out noisily through his nose.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Jared tells him quickly. “Just let me know if you’re okay.”
Jensen nods. His breath shudders.
Jared breathes in slowly as something suddenly occurs to him then asks, “Was that...? Was that your first time?”
Jensen slowly opens his eyes, blinking up at him. His eyes are wet, the pupils big and dark. “I don’t know,” he whispers. His voice is hoarse, the words shaky. “I don’t know.”
Jared swallows. “Did you remember something?”
Jensen seems to hesitate for just a second before shaking his head. He closes his eyes again. Jared watches him, unsure.
“I’m just gonna clean up a bit,” he says. “You rest.”
There’s no response, so he gets up and pulls on his t-shirt again, then turns off the TV before gathering the empty bottles and carrying them to the kitchen bench. He fishes his phone out of his pocket and quickly texts Chad a message, letting him know he’s staying over at Jensen’s. He’s not exactly surprised when he gets a reply barely a minute later that says ‘Dont let him bite ur dick off!’, just sends back a ‘Fuck u’ and puts the phone on silent. His face still feels sticky, so he goes to the bathroom and cleans up, borrowing Jensen’s mouthwash to freshen his breath.
When he gets back he turns off all the lights except a small lamp by the couch and then approaches Jensen’s bed carefully. “You asleep?”
Jensen shakes his head, eyes still closed.
“Is it okay if I stay over? We don’t have to do anything, I just want to be here.”
Jensen only hesitates a moment before shifting to make more room on the bed.
Jared quickly kicks off his jeans but leaves on the t-shirt and boxers. “You’re gonna get cold,” he says and tugs the duvet free before he crawls into bed, so he can pull it over the both of them. Jensen’s skin is a little cold, mostly on his arms and legs, but his chest is still flushed warm when Jared lays a hand over his heart, and he can feel it beating fast under his palm.
“Come here,” he says lightly and lays down on his back, extending his arm for Jensen to rest his head on. “Snuggle time.”
A startled laugh escapes Jensen’s lips, and he opens his eyes, looking at Jared with a gaze filled with mixed emotions. Wonder, and gratitude, and something else Jared doesn’t know how to interpret. Jensen rolls over on his side, snuggling close with one arm over Jared’s waist. Jared turns his head and smiles at him. They kiss, just a soft press of lips, and then Jensen closes his eyes and breathes out, his body relaxing. He’s asleep within minutes.
Chapter 3 | Chapter 5