Fanfiction || Amphierotic Bloodlines || Bellatrix/Narcissa || Part Seventeen
Title: Amphierotic Bloodlines
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta(s): supershineygirl (chapter two), dolfynrider (chapter three & onwards)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17
Length Thus Far: 138,081 words
Main Pairing: Bellatrix/Narcissa
Sub Pairings: Narcissa/Lucius, Narcissa/OC, Bellatrix/OC, Bellatrix/Rodolphus
Summary: Growing up in the 1960s in a family that expected nothing less than perfection, anything less than such was deemed unfit for a young woman of their status and was punished severely. A house that was classified as 'noble' had dark secrets hidden within those walls, a fear that only the people within experienced. The confusion young girls have growing up was more than intensified in there: it bordered on practically unbearable. This is a story about growing up, about surviving abuse, and about finding salvation and love from anyone you can, even if it’s from the last person on earth you know you should ever hold a deep affection for.
Warning(s): Lesbian incest, graphic child abuse, dubcon, sex between minors, anorexia nervosa, character death (minor), first chapter is un-beta’d
A/N: For NaNoWriMo 2010. This story is entirely from Narcissa’s POV (though not in first person) and will only include up to her graduation from Hogwarts. I may do a sequel later to cover her adult years, but for now I think this is more than enough.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE | PART SIX | PART SEVEN | PART EIGHT | PART NINE | PART TEN | PART ELEVEN | PART TWELVE | PART THIRTEEN | PART FOURTEEN | PART FIFTEEN | PART SIXTEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
“She’s completely infuriating!” Narcissa fumed at Lucius as she stood in Madame Malkin’s, getting fitted for her new school robs since her others perished in the house fire. “I mean, she acts as if I should kiss her bloody feet for being allowed the privileged of breathing in the morning!”
Lucius stood next to her, tightlipped and silent. He had been listening to Narcissa rant for the better part of a half hour and it looked like it was trying his patience. Not that Narcissa noticed, of course. She was too wrapped up in the drama of her sister and her utter lack of caring. It wasn’t as if Bellatrix was averse to romance; the roses she left for her every day last year while she was in school was proof of that. So why was she so against courting her properly?
Maybe it was that she didn’t want to do it in front of Narcissa, like she took it as a sign of weakness. Bellatrix had only left those roses when she wasn’t around, so it was a valid deduction. Regardless, the way she blatantly laughed in her face hurt Narcissa deeply. It was like Bellatrix didn’t deem her worthy of any effort. Maybe she was still angry about walking in on her and Lucius, but it’s not like she didn’t get her revenge with Gwendolyn.
Not that Bellatrix planned it that way though. She took far too many steps to ensure Narcissa wouldn’t find out, which honestly puzzled the youngest Black. Bellatrix swore revenge on her and yet when she had the perfect course of action to dish it out, she hid from her? It made Narcissa wonder if she was planning something else, then quickly became paranoid that her sister already did something else and she just had yet to know. She prayed neither, since it would be inhuman for Bellatrix to hurt her again after the heartbreak of seeing her with Gwendolyn. That nearly destroyed her and Bellatrix knew it.
They were even now though. As screwed up as it was, that was the way Narcissa looked at it. It was probably a testament to how unhealthy their relationship was when scores were being settled by causing emotional pain, but then again neither of them had ever known how to function like normal people. Bellatrix most of all.
Narcissa found herself counting the days until she would be back on the train and away from her sister, even though she knew the moment she was gone she would want nothing more than to return. She worried about Bellatrix constantly, even when they were fighting with one another - which lately seemed to be happening more often than not. However, Narcissa knew that before she left she would have to try patch things up; she didn’t want this to be another year where they didn’t write to one another. But today was not the day for forgiveness and reconciliation; today Narcissa was still furious with Bellatrix beyond all reasoning.
“I understand what she did for me,” Narcissa went on, continuing her rant as Madame Malkin made adjustments to her robe. “I’m not daft and I’m not ungrateful. But I’m my own person, not her property! She disregards aspects of my life; like they’re not important unless she’s involved in it. I mean, it’s absolutely ridiculous if she really expects me to shape my entire life around her! And god, the way she treats you is horrible; I don’t treat her husband like an insignificant flea, she has no reason to treat mine that way!” She paused, then revised, “Future husband, I mean. Regardless, I’ve dealt with her control issues my whole life but for her to try to assert dominance and abuse you just isn’t fair. She-”
“Narcissa,” Lucius interrupted in a sharp tone, which made her stop mid-sentence and actually take notice that he did not look pleased at all. “Please stop your foolish ramblings; we need not discuss this now.” It looked like he had been holding that in for a while and only now plucked up the courage to actually say it to her.
Narcissa opened her mouth, offended that he just spoke to her in that way. “Excuse me?” she replied, then hissed in pain as a needle stuck her. “Damnit, woman! Watch where you put those things; I am not a pin cushion!” she shrieked at Madame Malkin, which prompted the old woman to quickly apologize.
Narcissa knew her anger shouldn’t be directed at her; she was mad at Lucius after all. But being rude to a tailor was truly of no importance; the woman was not a pureblooded elitist and therefore her opinion of Narcissa weighed less than dirt. It made Narcissa feel like a bit of a bitch for thinking that, but she knew it to be true. Besides, she had more important things to worry about than the hurt feelings of some old woman; like why her fiancée was being completely rude to her. In public, no less.
“You heard what I said,” Lucius told her, trying to keep a firm ground yet still looking shaky as he stood upon it. Narcissa looked at him in utter disbelief. What had gotten into him?
“No, I’m fine!” Narcissa snapped impatiently to Madame Malkin as she tried to kneel down to finish the adjustments on her hem. Narcissa stepped off the platform in a wave of frustration and told her, “I’ll need seven of these. See that they don’t take too long to make.”
“But Ms. Black, I still need to adjust the hem at the bottom-” Madame Malkin tried, but was interrupted.
“I’ll grow into them, surely,” Narcissa replied shortly, signaling the end of the conversation as she stormed into the changing room to put back on her dress. She really didn’t care that she’d probably be tripping over her robes all next year; she needed to speak with Lucius privately. Her fights with her sister seemed to last forever, but Narcissa refused to let this one with her fiancée linger. They were going to settle this dispute before she finished with her shopping; otherwise it’d drive her mad. One person she loved being mad at her she could handle; two she could not.
When she exited the changing room, she shot Lucius a glare that clearly meant she wasn’t happy before she went over and spoke to Madame Malkin. After paying the woman and instructing her where to send the robes she left, Lucius following behind her. They didn’t utter a word to one another.
When Narcissa entered The Leaky Cauldron instead of going into another shop, Lucius broke the silence. “Narcissa, we don’t have time for drinks. You lost everything you own; replacing it will take all afternoon.”
Narcissa ignored him and strode past the bar, coming to a stop in front of the innkeeper. “We’d like a room for the night,” she told him before grabbing a handful of galleons from her purse and nearly slamming them on the table in front of him. His eyes went wide; it was probably far more than what he would ask for a night’s payment.
“Take any room you wish,” he told her as he greedily scooped up the gold.
“Thank you,” she replied curtly before marching off down the hall, leaving a perplexed Lucius no choice but to follow her. Once she found a vacant room she went inside, closing the door once Lucius entered.
“What are we doing? You know we don’t have time for this,” Lucius told her, sounding utterly confused about why they were there. “And my father will surely have my head if I bed you for a night. Not that it wouldn’t be worth it, but regardless…”
Narcissa laughed, like he had to be the stupidest man on the face of the earth. “Did you honestly expect that we came here to fool around? Have you gone completely mental, or are you just suffering from temporary stupidity?” she snapped. Lucius looked taken aback at her anger, like he didn’t even fathom the thought that she would still be angry over what happened in Madame Malkin’s. He seemed to catch up to the situation rather quickly though and he started to look peeved.
“Are you seriously still cross with me because of what I said in that shop?” he asked in a tone of frustrated disbelief. “You were airing out our dirty laundry in public, what was I supposed to say?”
“Maybe something a bit less rude,” Narcissa retorted angrily. “You treated me as if I should oblige you like an obedient puppy!”
“You’re a woman!” Lucius replied heatedly, which clearly was the very wrong thing to say by the look of death Narcissa gave him. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, yet didn’t retract his statement.
“So because I’m a woman that gives you the right to speak to me like that?” Narcissa replied, disbelievingly. “What has gotten into you; you used to not be this much of a pompous arse.”
Lucius sighed heavily, looking like he was torn between fixing the rift between them and sticking to his newfound values. He was clearly trapped between the boy he was and the man he was trying to become. The problem was, Narcissa wasn’t quite sure she liked the changes he was instilling into his personality.
“Narcissa, you’re to be my wife in a few years,” Lucius started, keeping his voice calm as he attempted to explain his behavior. Even though he was no longer shouting at her, it didn’t diminish Narcissa’s anger any. “We both need to grow up and stop acting like love-struck teenagers. We’re pureblood elitists and our marriage is going to make us very powerful in our society; surely you know that. But if we don’t start acting as we should, that power will be ripped away from us quickly. I know you’re independent and strong-willed and I do love that about you, but in public you must act like a proper woman and an obedient wife. It’s what’s expected of you.”
“I am not your wife yet,” Narcissa told him shortly, a hint of a threat lingering behind her words. It was a threat she knew she could not carry out; she couldn’t leave him for so many reasons, but it didn’t matter. She was just angry. “And I’m not stupid; I know exactly what is expected of me when I am to become your wife. But that time hasn’t come yet. I am fourteen years old, Lucius! I am allowed to make mistakes and I’m allowed to be run by my emotions, like any other normal teenage girl! I’m sorry I spoke about our affairs in public, I shouldn’t have done that and you were right to stop me, but the way you said it was so degrading and I will not stand for that. I won’t be spoken to like my thoughts and actions are insignificant.”
“I don’t think you’re insignificant, Narcissa,” Lucius replied, letting out an exasperated sigh. “But my father said-”
“Oh,” Narcissa interrupted heavily, “Your father. I should have known.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lucius asked, clearly not liking her tone.
“Your father already thinks badly of me, of course he would be coaching you to treat me as such!” Narcissa exclaimed, upset that Lucius cared more about his father than he did about her.
“He’s not-” Lucius started, then threw up his hands in a fit of annoyance. “This is ridiculous; we shouldn’t even be having this conversation. Why can’t you just accept that we need to act a little more maturely in public?”
“That’s not the part I have a problem with! Why can’t you just apologize? Do you honestly think I need this right now, after everything? My parents are dead, my whole world has been turned upside down in the matter of a week, and I’m just overwhelmed, alright?!”
Silence hung heavily between the two of them for a moment and they just stared at each other, both frustrated that they were having an argument when it was so rare that they quarreled with one another. Finally, Lucius let out a breath and leaned against the doorway, looking apologetic. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” Narcissa looked surprised that he actually apologized. “I should have taken into account what you’ve been through lately. My father though he just… he gets under my skin sometimes,” he admitted. “I’m not proud of it, but I know that if I don’t turn out to be the man he expects, he’ll disown me. I fear that more than anything.”
Narcissa looked at him for a moment, her lips turning down into a frown once she noticed actual distress on Lucius’ face. He tried to hide it, but he wasn’t as good of an actor as he thought he was. Lucius, like herself, had always grown up privileged; to be stripped from that is the equivalent of a death sentence for people like them. “Did he tell you he would?” Narcissa asked softly, taking a step forward to slide her hand into his, feeling like she should be giving him some sort of comfort.
“Not in so many words, no,” Lucius told her as he stared out the far window. It was like he was worried what Narcissa would see if he looked at her. “But I know my father. He’s already unhappy that I proposed to you before you were fifteen; he went on and on about how that wasn’t how he raised me and that I should know better than to get tangled in some harlot’s web.”
A look of offense crossed Narcissa face, but she said nothing.
“I told him you weren’t one, of course,” Lucius went on. “That you were still chaste, that you were loyal to me, and that you came from an incredibly wealthy family that stayed true to pureblooded values. I didn’t understand why he was so furious when you were all he ever wanted for me in a wife.” He took a breath before he chuckled lightly, remembering what happened. “It turned out that he thought you had dosed me with a love potion to try to secure your own future. It was completely mental, but that’s the kind of man my father is; paranoid to the last. Of course when no antidotes worked he let it go, but he still makes a point to remind me at least three times a day that if I don’t start acting like a proper man and start respecting tradition than he will force me to withdraw my proposal.”
“He can’t do that!” Narcissa exclaimed, horrified.
“He can and he will,” Lucius told her darkly. “He will have no problem giving me an ultimatum: you, or the family fortune. So I must start respecting his wishes and act as I should, at least when we’re in public. And I don’t wish to put more weight on your shoulders, especially now, but I fear that if you don’t act like he expects that he’ll deem you unworthy of marriage.”
“Lucius, why didn’t you just tell me?” Narcissa asked, sighing softly. “Don’t you realize we could have avoided this entire fight if you had just told me what was going on?”
“No, we wouldn’t have,” Lucius replied, finally looking at her and cracking a tiny bit of a smile. Off of her confused look he explained, “I know you, Narcissa. Regardless of knowing my reasons, you still would have tried to rip my bollocks from my body because my choice of wording was rude.”
Narcissa smirked. That was true. “Yes, but I would have composed myself a little better and waited to rip them from your body until you brought me back home.” She leaned into him, putting her head on his shoulder. “You should have just told me,” she finished softly. She was going to be his wife; shouldn’t he be confiding in her about his doubts, his fears?
“Between you being sick and the never-ending drama with your sister, it just never seemed the right time,” Lucius told her. “Besides, it’s not easy for any man to admit weakness.”
“You’re not weak,” Narcissa told him firmly, looking up at him as she placed her chin on his shoulder. He did not make eye contact, but she didn’t expect him to. “Sometimes it’s necessary to adapt for survival.”
“You speak as if we’re prisoners of war,” Lucius replied. It was clear he thought that she’s being overdramatic. “I won’t die if I’m disowned.”
“Won’t you?” Narcissa countered. Lucius turned to look at her, brow furrowed. “Maybe not literally, but do you honestly think you, you, could survive poverty? Being homeless? You’re not built that way Lucius, nor am I. We were raised knowing our place in society, to take that away would feel like ripping the life from us. You know I’m right.” Lucius said nothing, so Narcissa went on, “Besides, I very much doubt that you would choose me over your wealth.”
Lucius looked surprised that she said that and didn’t sound angry about it. “Would you choose me over your wealth?” he countered.
Narcissa pursed her lips and looked away from him before she admitted, “No.” She could not live in poverty, she wouldn’t know how. With Bellatrix it was different; she would give up all the galleons in the world to just be happy with her, to always feel loved. Maybe it was because Bellatrix was a survivor in every sense of the word; she would take care of Narcissa if that happened. She’d find a way to clothe her, feed her, shelter her. In all honesty, she believed Lucius would fall apart if put under those circumstances and there was only room for one of them to be weak.
“I suppose I don’t feel so guilty for feeling the same way then,” Lucius admitted. He wrapped his arm around Narcissa, holding her close. “But it’s not a choice I have to make right now. I’ll appease my father’s wishes so it hopefully will never have to come to that.”
Narcissa smiled after he spoke, a feeling of warmth filling her abdomen. It would have been so easy for him to secure his fortune by leaving Narcissa, yet the thought didn’t seem to even be on his mind. “Sometimes it surprises me how much you truly care,” Narcissa admitted softly.
“Why?”
Narcissa looked up at him, a little taken aback by his question because she thought the reasons obvious. “Does it not surprise you that I care?”
“Should it? You told me once that you would not get married to someone that you had no feelings for,” Lucius replied pointedly. “Do you remember, in the Hospital Wing? You nearly destroyed my pride that day,” he admitted, laughing a little. “But the fact that you refused my advances only made me want to try harder.”
“I remember,” Narcissa replied, smiling. But then her smile faded and she shrugged lightly. “But you know as well as I do that fighting for love was foolish. It’s all I wanted when I was a girl and I suppose I was just trying to hold onto the hope that I could marry someone of my own choosing.”
“Aren’t you?” Lucius asked, sounding a little wounded though he tried to hide it.
“Of course I am,” Narcissa replied, reassurance in her voice as she looked up at her fiancée. “But I watched my parents live in an unhappy marriage, I watched my sister marry someone she held no love, nor affection, for. I assumed the same would happen to me. I suppose that’s why it sometimes surprises me that you do care; I’m not used to having many things go right in my life.”
“I didn’t expect to,” Lucius admitted. “Care. Not as much as I do, anyway. I did pursue you at first only because of your reputation and beauty.” He smirked as he finished with, “It was obvious that we stood to make impeccable looking children.” Narcissa scoffed in mock offense and pushed him a little before they both started laughing.
“You told me you liked me, you liar,” Narcissa teased. She knew it was past, so it didn’t offend her. Besides, it was rather expected.
“I did like you!” Lucius defended, still chuckling a little. “I wouldn’t lie about that; I did like you since I was twelve. But I’ve also liked a few other girls over the years and I didn’t pursue them for marriage.”
He had a point.
Narcissa pursed her lips as she brushed the hair back from her face. “Do you ever fear that regardless of our reputation, of our money, that when we are married we will somehow lose all the influence our parents earned for our family names?” she asked quietly. It was her own private fear; she was not near ready for adulthood. She didn’t know if she’d ever be.
“We won’t.”
“That wasn’t a proper answer.”
Lucius looked down at her as he took a breath. “There’s no use thinking about things that aren’t going to happen,” he told her. “In a few years’ time I will be working at the Ministry; I know that because I won’t settle for anything less. We will have a mansion grander than anything either of us have ever seen, I promise you that. And in it you will throw magnificent parties that will be the envy of all pureblooded society; parties that everyone will come to so we can chat them up to further advance my career.” He smiled as he finished, “And we will have children; lots of children that will be looked at by their peers with awe and jealousy because they carry the Malfoy name. Everyone will respect us.”
He sounded so sure of himself that it helped ease Narcissa’s doubts for the moment. They would resurface again, she was sure of that. She had a long way to go if she wanted to be a respected elitist, especially when it came to maturity and shallow socializing. Narcissa hoped they both came automatically with age.
“If you want more than three children you’re going to have to find a way to birth them yourself,” Narcissa replied, needing to set that ground rule. She knew childbirth was excruciatingly painful and purebloods refrained from taking the potion to dull that pain. It seemed ridiculous, but it was a tradition; due to the amount of inbreeding in pureblooded families, it was widely feared that any potions taken while pregnant would increase the chances of baring a mentally retarded child, or worse… a squib. While Lucius and her weren’t raised as relatives, it would be foolish to believe that somewhere far down the line their families weren’t connected; most were now a days. Their race was a dying one, unfortunately.
While Narcissa was sure that they were distantly related enough to bare a normal, healthy child, it didn’t change anything. Maybe it was silly, but since there was still a minuscule chance of something like that happening, she wanted to take any and all steps to prevent it. The shame would be utterly unbearable if they produced an imperfect child.
Lucius laughed at her response. “I am fine with three,” he answered. Narcissa smiled as she looked up at him before she rose on her tiptoes to give him a quick kiss on the lips.
“We need to finish shopping,” she told him regrettably. Now that they were talking about their future, Narcissa wanted nothing more than to make use of the bed in the room. They didn’t have time, though. “Perhaps we should split up; it may be the only way we get everything done. I’ll busy myself replacing my wardrobe and you can get my school things, is that alright?”
Lucius nodded. He paused for a moment, as if he knew that bringing up the topic he wanted to would lead to another fight. “And then we’ll get some dinner before I bring you back to your sister’s,” he told her, apparently deciding an argument was an acceptable consequence of something so important.
Narcissa looked as if she was about to protest, but he wouldn’t let her. “No, Narcissa. Don’t argue with me, I don’t want to hear it. This starving yourself nonsense needs to stop,” he told her seriously. “I will not watch you wither away and die because of your superficial insecurities. You are not that weak, I know you’re not.”
“Lucius, I’m fine,” Narcissa stressed, chuckling a little to try to make light of the situation. “I just wasn’t eating before because I was sick. You know that…”
“Don’t talk to me as if I’m stupid and easily manipulated,” Lucius snapped, which made Narcissa silence herself immediately. “I didn’t push the issue when you were sick, but that was only because Bellatrix told me she was mixing liquid meals into your healing potions.”
Narcissa’s mouth dropped open in horror. That was such an incredible violation to her freedom of choice that she didn’t even know where to start. Liquid meals? Narcissa had heard about them, they were primarily for wizards who went on survival hikes and the like, in case they found themselves somewhere that didn’t have food. They supposedly held the nutrition equivalent to eating three meals so the person taking it didn’t have to worry about eating until the next day. Narcissa suddenly felt sick; her sister had given her two potions a day - that equaled six meals. Who eats six meals a day?!
She should have known though; usually Narcissa was constantly lightheaded and weak, even when sitting down. When she was sick she didn’t notice the change because she was too preoccupied with the pain of her internal bruising, and as she got better she expected to feel stronger. She supposed she just forgot she wasn’t supposed to feel this good. The pain, the stomach growling, the lightheadedness, and the weakness was gone and she didn’t even notice until just then because she had learned to ignore them all. She accepted them as part of her and didn’t dwell on feeling unwell because the feeling she had when she looked in the mirror and saw her accomplishment was worth all the sickness.
Now she just felt like an utter failure. But more than that, she was furious that Bellatrix had made her that way and Lucius knowingly allowed her to. “She did what?” she yelled, anger pouring from every fiber of her being.
“She made sure you didn’t get any sicker, that’s what,” Lucius retorted. “I know you’re angry but you need to understand something, Narcissa: this ends now. I will watch you eat every sodding meal if I have to. I don’t know how or why Bellatrix allowed you to go on like this as long as you have, but I’m not going to let it go any further. Make no mistake: I am not asking nicely, I’m not lecturing you; I’m telling you this is how it’s going to be.”
Narcissa gaped at him for a moment, too angry and filled with utter disbelief to even form a coherent thought. Finally she exclaimed, “This is fucking ridiculous! I eat; for shit’s sake Lucius, I do eat! You act as if I never consume anything!”
“You don’t eat nearly enough and you know it; eating a few crackers or a couple slices of fruit a day does not make one meal, let alone three,” Lucius told her. “And I’m willing to bet there’s been days at a time that you go without any food at all.”
Narcissa locked her jaw and stayed silent, glaring at him.
“I’m sorry,” Lucius went on, “I didn’t want to force you, but you’re still so ridiculously far into denial that you can’t even admit you have a problem, let alone able to go about fixing it on your own.”
“This is so stupid; you believe my sister’s psychotic ramblings over me?”
“Narcissa, we’ve been dating for nearly a year! You really think I haven’t noticed how little you eat? I believed your lies before; that you weren’t hungry, that you were sick, that you already ate before you came, and oh, my favorite: you’re a ‘night eater,” Lucius air-quoted sarcastically. “But once Bellatrix said something, it all made perfect sense. And frankly, Bellatrix gains nothing by lying to me about this, so I’m liable to believe her over you, yes.”
“Why did you have to do this?” Narcissa asked, quickly getting upset. A lump was beginning to form in her throat and she was beginning to feel trapped because for the first time she was unable to talk her way around the issue. She didn’t want to deal with it now, too many things have happened. “We stopped fighting; we were having a nice time and I was feeling happy again. Why did you have to go and ruin it?”
“Because this waited long enough,” Lucius answered honestly.
He watched as Narcissa turned away from him to hide her tears; she didn’t want him to see her cry over this. She didn’t want him to know how helpless she was starting to feel. She had no control; not anymore, not over anything. It made her feel like a puppet and she hated that; she wanted to be stronger than that. Narcissa muffled a sob by biting on her lower lip so hard that she bled as she closed her eyes, clenched her fists, and willed herself to calm down. But it wasn’t working; the tears wouldn’t stop, her nose wouldn’t clear. She felt like she was suffocating.
Lucius put a hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her, but Narcissa furiously pushed him off of her and snapped between her tears, “Don’t you dare touch me!”
“Narcissa, this isn’t the end of the world,” Lucius tried. “Don’t you remember before, when you did eat? Your world didn’t end then, did it? If it’s your weight you’re worried about, we can find suitable dieting plans that-”
“You are so utterly stupid, aren’t you?!” Narcissa shouted, rounding to face him in a wave of desperation and anger. “You think it’s all about being beautiful; about being skinny? I want those, yes; but so does every other sodding girl on the earth! That’s not the reason I do anything, it’s merely a perk. The real reason is much less shallow, I assure you.”
Lucius looked at her disbelievingly. “I don’t believe that. You think I don’t hear the girls talk at the Slytherin table? All each of them wants is to be skinnier because somewhere in this demented part of their mind they believe it’s more attractive. But I have news for you, Narcissa: it’s not. No man wants to look upon a woman that’s skin and bones, it’s revolting. And frankly when we were in bed and I saw every single one of your ribs, it was a complete turn off.”
Narcissa’s stomach felt like it dropped to the floor. Out of everything he could have said, she didn’t expect that. It surprised her how badly that hurt her feelings and how ugly it made her feel. So she lashed out angrily, “You’re a sodding liar, Lucius; I felt how hard you were and seeing my ribs certainly didn’t stop you from going down on me! So keep spewing more ridiculous bullshit at me, I won’t believe a word of it.”
“It didn’t stop me because it was a flaw on an otherwise perfect package,” Lucius told her. “That’s what you don’t understand, Narcissa: before you started all this, you were sodding perfect. You aren’t improving anything, you’re destroying it. Each week that passes I don’t look at you and think you’ve grown more beautiful because you lost weight; I look at you and wish you looked more like you did the week before.”
“And that’s all you care about, isn’t it? How I look,” Narcissa snapped.
“No, but I believe that’s all you care about,” Lucius responded. “Did I or did I not first mention your health? Don’t turn this around just because you know you’re fighting a losing battle. I’m not Bellatrix; I will not sit idly by and let you do as you please. I’m going to be your husband and with that comes the responsibility of taking care of you and keeping you healthy, whether you want me to or not.”
“Taking care of me?” Narcissa scoffed angrily. “Taking care of me? You’re going to destroy me, Lucius! My whole life has been so out of control, so completely and utterly fucked and I never felt like my own person. I never had any control over my own life; my mother dictated how I dressed, what I ate, even how long my hair is supposed to be. My father dictated how I live my life; career-less and a baby factory for the highest bidder. And my sister, Bellatrix, she dictated all the rest. All of my life I’ve felt like a puppet; completely helpless and someone else’s to control. I felt weak because I couldn’t do anything about it. There were no options in my life, only obedience. Half of the time I wanted to die because I already felt like I was suffocating and I couldn’t bare it any longer.”
Lucius stayed silent, knowing better than to speak when Narcissa was finally talking about what was really going on. Narcissa didn’t notice his chosen silence, however; she was in the middle of a tirade and once she started, she found she couldn’t stop; the truth came pouring out whether she wanted it to or not.
“I got so upset and became so withdrawn that I simply forgot to eat for a long time. But then when I realized how long I had gone, for the first time I felt a sense of power. Not many people can go without eating for that long; they simply don’t have the willpower. But I could,” Narcissa told him, pride in her voice. “For the first time in my sodding life, I knew I had strength inside me. Maybe it wasn’t the kind of strength that would grant me freedom from being everyone’s bloody puppet, but it gave me enough strength to feel proud of myself. And with pride I didn’t feel as sad; I didn’t feel as helpless as I did before. I was controlling an aspect of my life when before I held no control at all.”
“And yes,” she admitted, “maybe part of it was superficial, but my mother had made quick work of destroying my self-esteem as a child by constantly calling me fat and ugly.” Narcissa felt herself starting to cry again, but she didn’t stop even though her voice started to come out strained, “And it’s horrible because now every time I look in the mirror that’s what I see; I can’t stop it. She told me these things every day since as far back as I can remember and now it’s all I can believe, even if I don’t want to. You tell me I’m beautiful, my own fiancée, and I should believe it and yet all I can think after you say it is that you’re lying to me…”
“I’m not - Narcissa, I’m not,” Lucius told her quickly, coming over to her to hold her as she broke down in tears. She didn’t mean to tell him all that, but now that she had she felt so incredibly raw and exposed. The feeling scared her.
“Your mother was a bitch for telling you those things,” Lucius told her softly, cradling her in his arms. “And you’re not a puppet; you’re one of the most strong-willed people that I know. You’re headstrong and incredibly outspoken. You say you do this to not feel so weak, yet all I’ve ever seen in front of me is a strong woman. And if you think you need control, look around you: you have it. You’re free, Narcissa; your parents are never going to hurt you again. How can you not see that you have your life back?”
Narcissa didn’t answer; she didn’t have the strength to. She felt too drained to argue anymore and besides, she couldn’t very well tell him that her relationship with Bellatrix was still something that made her feel helpless.
“You’re going to start eating,” Lucius told her softly. “I know you’re going to hate it at first, but you have to realize now that you have a problem, right?” The tone in his voice sounded like he was worried she still would not admit it, even after everything. It was nearly pleading.
It took at least a full minute before Narcissa reluctantly nodded her head, giving in. It wasn’t worth it to deny it any longer. No one believed her anymore when she said that she was fine, so what was the point?
But admitting she has a problem and taking the first step to fixing it… those are two different things entirely, and Narcissa wasn’t sure if she could emotionally handle changing her lifestyle right now. But then again, it’s not like she had a choice anymore.
GO TO PART EIGHTEEN...