Fanfiction || Amphierotic Bloodlines || Bellatrix/Narcissa || Part Eleven

[cuzimastripper]

Title: Amphierotic Bloodlines
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta(s): supershineygirl (chapter two), dolfynrider (chapter three & onwards)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17
Length Thus Far: 88,643 words
Main Pairing: Bellatrix/Narcissa
Sub Pairings: Narcissa/Lucius, Narcissa/OC, Bellatrix/OC, Bellatrix/Rodolphus
Summary: Growing up in the 1960s in a family that expected nothing less than perfection, anything less than such was deemed unfit for a young woman of their status and was punished severely. A house that was classified as 'noble' had dark secrets hidden within those walls, a fear that only the people within experienced. The confusion young girls have growing up was more than intensified in there: it bordered on practically unbearable. This is a story about growing up, about surviving abuse, and about finding salvation and love from anyone you can, even if it’s from the last person on earth you know you should ever hold a deep affection for.
Warning(s): Lesbian incest, graphic child abuse, dubcon, sex between minors, anorexia nervosa, character death (minor), first chapter is un-beta’d
A/N: For NaNoWriMo 2010. This story is entirely from Narcissa’s POV (though not in first person) and will only include up to her graduation from Hogwarts. I may do a sequel later to cover her adult years, but for now I think this is more than enough.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE | PART SIX | PART SEVEN | PART EIGHT | PART NINE | PART TEN

A/N: I’ve had some questions asked about Bellatrix’s specific mental illness. It’s not a Jekyll/Hyde thing, though I know it has some similarities to it. The way I’ve developed it, it’s more like a combination of a few metal disorders (Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder) and like a brain defect, or even sort of like what can happen when one has a brain tumor (depending on what area of the brain is affected). Basically I took a little from each of those and combined them. I also used pain/hate and pleasure/love as almost a mirror to one another; one as a trigger and the other as a temporary cure. I figured if JK Rowling can make up a bunch of things to coincide with her world, I could make up a disorder that’s only apparent in the wizarding world :P I can’t give too much away, but you will eventually find out the possible cause of it. Also as the story unfolds you’ll be able to paint a much more detailed picture of how Bellatrix’s brain works, but I’m trying to stretch out the reveals throughout the story. If I do end up doing a sequel for their adult years, I’ll probably switch the POV to Bellatrix, so it’ll probably be much easier to understand then. But that’s a long way off - this story is far from done! By my estimate it’ll be somewhere between 30-40 chapters when it’s completed.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Trying to sleep with Bellatrix in that state was next to impossible.

Bellatrix had no concept of personal space, her mouth ran a mile a minute, and she was constantly trying to find new ways to bother Narcissa. She was a child with too much energy and nowhere to channel it. Twice she threatened to leave and once she even made it out the door, but ended up coming back in, slamming the door open so hard it probably woke up the entire hotel as it hit the wall, and told her that leaving would only give Narcissa peace of mind, so it was an unacceptable solution. Her way of saying that was a lot meaner and included a lot more swears, but that was the basis of it.

Narcissa wasn’t a violent person, but she wanted to punch something.

She loved her sister, she did. She loved her with every inch of her being and she would give her life just to save hers, but there were times where she couldn’t handle stuff like this happening, and now was one of those times. She knows that Bellatrix couldn’t help going into this state; that she was sick and she shouldn’t be blamed by what her disease did. But Narcissa couldn’t help but feel that if Bellatrix didn’t leave her to go to them, this wouldn’t have happened.

And Bellatrix made that decision while normal.

Narcissa didn’t bother yelling at Bellatrix about how she hurt her feelings or how she shouldn’t have left because she knew this version of her sister wouldn’t care in the slightest. She’d have to wait until she was better, but the last thing Narcissa wanted to do was have sex with her right now so she could be better. Now that she realized Bellatrix was seemingly dependent on her in this state, she knew that she was able to wait until she was up for it. Before she worried about where Bellatrix would go, what she would do. But it was clear as day that Bellatrix couldn’t find it in herself to leave. Narcissa wished she knew why, because it didn’t make much sense to her. But cloud; silver lining, she supposed.

Unfortunately, it didn’t feel like much of a silver lining while Narcissa was trying to properly ignore her and go to sleep. She was more upset than she had been in a long time, feeling almost betrayed in a way. Bellatrix openly mocked her crying once she finally took a second to notice it, pressing her body up against Narcissa’s back and whispering things in her ear that made Narcissa’s blood boil. After about an hour this, Narcissa finally snapped and turned around fast, backhanding her sister in the face in a fit of rage screaming, “SHUT UP!”

Narcissa was momentarily horrified to find that she ended up giving her sister a bloody nose, but forgot her horror instantly when Bellatrix growled, smirking wickedly before she kissed her violently, biting Narcissa’s bottom lip so hard that it made her bleed as she told her, “There’s my girl.” Both of their blood mixed together in the kiss, making them taste the harsh sting of copper.

Narcissa tried to shove her off of her, but it only seemed to turn Bellatrix on more. The two of them had never physically fought before, which is odd for siblings, so it probably was only a matter of time before it happened. Both of them angry teenagers, they didn’t pull any punches. Narcissa grabbed Bellatrix’s hair after her sister bit her neck so hard she was sure she popped nearly every blood vessel. She screamed, calling her a crazy bitch and slapped her hard across the face, which gave her the small window of opportunity to reverse their positions, so she was the one holding Bellatrix down.

Narcissa had never wanted to hurt Bellatrix before, but she did in that moment. Bellatrix was supposed to be her savior, her escape from harsh reality and she willingly brought this upon both of them. Her nails dug into Bellatrix’s wrists as she held her down, spit flying on her sister’s face as she screamed harshly, “I HATE YOU!”

Bellatrix’s face, for all her enjoyment of getting Narcissa angry when she was like this, darkened at those words, clearly not enjoying that statement at all. “She does this for you!” she screamed, struggling beneath Narcissa’s weight. “She turns into me for you! Because she knows you like it, you crave the violence just as much as she does, you just don’t know how to express it! You get picked on, thrown around, and you do nothing about it; you just take it! Little bitch… taking it like a little sodding bitch. Kicked around, spat on, well do something about it! You love this, you need it, but she knows you need me to show you how to use it to your advantage!”

“LIAR!” Narcissa screamed, eyes blackening. It was disturbing enough to hear Bellatrix, while normal, disassociate, but it was worse when she did it when like this. She knew it wasn’t a split personality, so she didn’t know why Bellatrix did it. “And stop it! STOP IT! Stop pretending you aren’t the same person! I know you are!”

Bellatrix’s pushed her head up, putting her face in hers and hissed, “But it’s easier if you think we aren’t, isn’t it? You’d like not to blame her, wouldn’t you? Because you love her more than you love yourself.” She’s taunting her, riling her up more and more, and Narcissa knew she was being manipulated but she couldn’t help but play right into her hands.

“You’d like me not to blame you when you’re normal! You can’t take responsibility for your own actions, so you try to dismiss it as out of your control. But it’s not! You know exactly what you’re doing! You know that you’re hurting me!” Narcissa yelled.

At that accusation, Bellatrix spit the blood draining from her nose to her mouth at her, growling. As Narcissa shouted in disgust, releasing one of Bellatrix’s hands so she could wipe it off her face, Bellatrix told her, “I’m not hurting you, I’m teaching you. So hit me, hit me! Don’t let me hurt you anymore; teach me a lesson. Stand up for yourself for once, or are you too much of a coward? Ickle baby Cissy, crying in the corner cause she can’t handle what life throws at her!”

“Shut up!” Narcissa screamed, rearing back her hand to smack her across the face again. Bellatrix laughed, enjoying it yet at the same time not about to let her just smack her around with no retaliation. She grabbed a fistful of Narcissa’s hair, pulling it so hard that the blonde screamed and tried to hit her again. Bellatrix blocked it and pulled her to her roughly to kiss her violently, to which Narcissa responded to by biting her tongue.

Bellatrix laughed in her mouth and only kissed her harder, rougher, more passionately as they both continued to hit and scratch each other with their nails. Narcissa hated this, she hated fighting with her sister, but at the same time there was the tiny voice in the back of head that told her Bellatrix was right. That maybe she should learn how to stand up for herself and have a way to express her anger instead of constantly keeping it all inside and letting it fester. Because no matter how horrible it was to fight like this, it made Narcissa feel powerful.

It made her feel better to show Bellatrix just how much she hurt her.

Maybe it was sick, but weren’t they both already? They were both so irreparably damaged from their childhood, so it was almost expected for both of them to come to this place. Abused as children, self-esteems destroyed; maybe it was only natural for them to deal with that by abusing each other.

The hitting and violent kissing continued, scratching and biting until they were both bruised and bloody. Narcissa wanted to tear into Bellatrix’s soul and prove to herself that it wasn’t black. She wanted to prove that she wasn’t weak. She wanted to prove that she wasn’t the sick one, yet when Bellatrix bit her neck and slid her hand into the confines of her pajama shorts, she cried out in pleasure. She felt like a mess and she was sure she was about to cry, but she found she didn’t have the strength to stop Bellatrix when she hissed in her ear angrily, “I want you to tell me you hate me after you cum all over yourself. Do you think you can do it?! Tell me you hate me while I’m fucking you, Cissy! I dare you!”

“I hate you!” Narcissa cried out defiantly, but grasped Bellatrix’s breast so hard that her sister took it as a sign of compliance. It was a game, wasn’t it? All of this was just one sick game; and Narcissa wasn’t going to end up being the loser when it was over.

“So wet…” Bellatrix taunted in her ear. “I knew you got off on this just as much I did. You’re such a filthy little liar, aren’t you?” Her fingers slipped over Narcissa’s clit and she gasped, burying her face in Bellatrix’s neck before biting it as hard as she could as a response. Bellatrix cried out and dug her nails into her arm. She gasped in pain again as Narcissa grabbed onto her hair, but it didn’t stop her from telling her, “You feel powerful and you enjoy it, don’t you? So why do you let everyone shit all over you all the time, huh? Take what you want and stop giving a sod what other people think! Fucking feel it, Cissy… can you feel it? It’s so sweet like candy when I scream at your mercy, isn’t it?!”

“I won’t become like you!” Narcissa screamed as she grasped Bellatrix’s knickers, pulling them so hard to accent her point that they ripped. “I won’t hurt the people I love!” she shouted, slapping pelvic bone so hard her hand left an angry red mark behind and Bellatrix’s hips shot off the bed, crying out in both pleasure in pain. Then she laughed as she put more pressure on Narcissa’s clit, rendering her unable to think for a second.

“You’re exactly like me, love,” she hissed against her lips. “Just two inches shorter.”

After that, everything seemed to blur together; the violence, the sex, the screams, and the tears. Narcissa pounded into her so hard she made her sister bleed inside, probably from fingernail cuts, but Bellatrix pushed her on, telling her to hurt her more, harder. MORE, HARDER, ARE YOU WEAK?! It was maddening and her voice echoed inside Narcissa’s head, fueling her anger and her passion as she showed Bellatrix that she wasn’t weak.

Their orgasms were mindless blurs and afterwards they still hit each other, though it was more Narcissa than Bellatrix, as she was painfully normal and aware of what happened again. Bellatrix told Narcissa to stop but she wouldn’t. She cried, smacking her with the palm of her hands until she lost all strength and fell on top of her, continuing to sob into her neck until she completely wore herself out and passed out.

When she awoke the next morning, every inch of her body hurt. She groaned as she rolled over, trying to block out what happened last night. But as much as her body was painfully aware of it, so was her mind. She reluctantly opened her eyes and sat up, groaning again as her muscles rejected the movement. She blinked, trying to clear her vision. Her eyebrows knitted in confusion at what she saw.

Presents, everywhere. All shapes, all sizes, were littered around the room. Her eyes landed on Bellatrix, who was sitting at the end of the bed, her knees pulled into her chest. Her underwear-clad body was littered with bruises and scratches and she looked like she had a fat lip and a black eye. Narcissa was afraid of how she herself looked after last night. Judging by Bellatrix’s body and how she felt, probably just as bad. Bellatrix didn’t even look at her as she spoke, her voice detached and far away.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Narcissa stared at her, not knowing what to say. Suddenly her sister dissolved into tears, wrapping her arms around her head and burying her face in her knees. Narcissa had never heard Bellatrix cry like this. Her sobs were loud and painful and her whole body shook with her distress. Narcissa got up and crawled over to her, taking her in her arms. Her throat was painfully tight but she didn’t want to cry. She cried too much already.

Bellatrix went into her arms without a fight, but she sobbed into her neck as tears soaked both of them. Narcissa held her while she cried; unmoving, unspeaking. She didn’t know how to talk about this. She didn’t know what could make it better.

It was some time until Bellatrix calmed down, but she was still shaking. Narcissa covered her hands with hers, their beaten bodies so identical it was almost poetic. She shushed her softly, trying to get her to stop convulsing. Finally, Bellatrix whispered with pain in her voice, “I told you… I told you this would happen…”

“You told me you’d rape me. You didn’t,” Narcissa corrected, her voice strained. She took a shaky breath as she laid her head on top of her sister’s, staring at the wall. “I don’t know what that was, honestly.”

Silence washed between the two women again. Narcissa rubbed her hands over Bellatrix’s arms, hoping it would make her stop shaking, but all it did was make her sister wince from the pain. Narcissa stilled her hands, sighing. She stared at the wall, like she was trying to see through it.

“You ruined my birthday,” she told her softly, her own voice detached now.

“I know,” Bellatrix mumbled, shutting her eyes tight like she wished she could block it all out. “I’m sorry.” The guilt was clear in her voice.

“Sorry doesn’t fix it.”

“I know.”

Narcissa’s eyes focused on the imperfections on the wall; the small cracks in the corner, the chips of paint. Her jaw trembled and her heart felt like a brick as she told her softly, “I wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. I wanted to run around in the park with you, having everything be silly and wonderful. I wanted to tell you I loved you; I wanted to be happy. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to look at you and see perfection, not destruction.”

Bellatrix’s fingers found Narcissa’s hand and she held it tightly, even though she was still shaking. “I-” she tried, but was interrupted.

“You ruined that,” Narcissa told her, voice cracking from the strain. “On purpose. You’re the most selfish person I have ever met.”

“No, Cissy, I didn’t- you don’t understand…”

“Bullshit I don’t understand!” Narcissa cried, wrenching her hands away from Bellatrix’s. “Bullshit I don’t know why you would willingly ruin everything for me! You care about your stupid murderous Lord more than me!”

“I don’t!” Bellatrix protested, her tone one of pleading as she looked at her sister desperately. “But if I didn’t come, he’d think me a traitor and kill me. I didn’t think he’d need me this weekend, I swear I didn’t know! You have to believe me! I wouldn’t-”

“But you did! You did, Bellatrix! Fine, you would have been killed. Fine, then that’s just a testament to how utterly stupid you are to get involved with someone like him in the first place! It’s not a reason, nor an excuse. You have your own idiocy to blame.”

“I’m trying to shape a better world, Narcissa!” Bellatrix cried. “I’m trying to make this place not complete and utter shit for you and your children and theirs after that! I’m sorry I ruined your birthday but I have other responsibilities that I can’t get out of! I feel sodding wretched for doing that to you, but you have to believe that it wasn’t personal! You have to accept that this is who I am now!”

Narcissa’s face darkened and she slapped Bellatrix across the face. Bellatrix put her knuckles to her cheek, looking at her angrily, but didn’t make a move to retaliate. “Don’t tell me it wasn’t personal when you came back like that just so you could teach your little lesson. Are you happy I learned it, huh?! Happy I have no problem hitting you now?!”

“Yes,” Bellatrix told her simply, her jaw tightening. “Because that means you’ll stop being everyone’s doormat. She did you a favor. She may have gone about it in a shit way, but she made you learn. You’ll thank me for that when you’re older.”

“You… or her?” Narcissa asked dangerously.

“Us.”

“There is no ‘us’, Bellatrix. Not anymore,” Narcissa told her, meaning so much more than just Bellatrix’s supposed split personalities. She pulled away from her and got off the bed, grabbing her clothes.

“No! Cissy!” Bellatrix exclaimed, eyes widening as she realized what she meant. She frantically scrambled off the bed, coming over to her. “No, you can’t walk out on me! I need you! I’ll go mental in a week without knowing you love me!”

“Then go mental!” Narcissa screamed harshly. “What do I care? You don’t care about me, so why should I allow you the privilege of my love? All you do is abuse it.”

“No, no. You told me you needed me too! Told me you’d let me do anything as long as you were with me, what happened to that?!” Bellatrix shouted, fear in her voice because she knew she was losing her.

“Congratulations are in order then,” Narcissa told her darkly as she threw her shirt over her head. Her eyes bore into hers as she pulled it down and told her, “Because I think you just made me independent.”

“No! I won’t let you leave me!” Bellatrix yelled, grabbing Narcissa’s wrist. Narcissa glared at her and fought to free herself.

“You don’t have a choice!”

“I thought you loved me!”

“I do!” Narcissa screamed. “I love you so much that it hurts! But I can’t keep getting hurt by you, Bella! You used to be the solution, but you’re now becoming part of the problem!”

“I’ll change! I swear to you, I’ll try to get better-” Narcissa didn’t think she’d ever see her sister beg, but there she was. No shame.

“You can’t!” Narcissa told her. “What’s happening to you, there’s no fixing that! One day that’s all you’re going to be; this uncontrollable insanity of anger and lust. There’s no talking to you when you’re like that. You can’t control your impulses. You’re nothing more than a child and I won’t become a substitute for a proper mother!”

“Cissy, please…” Bellatrix begged. “I know I’m shit, alright? I know I don’t love you like I should, I know I don’t treat you as you should be, but you’re all I’ve had my whole life. Without you, I’ll die. I don’t know how to live without you, Cissy. You know it’s true; you don’t know how to live without me either! You’ve tried, but we always come back here, don’t we? I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry! I’ll make it up to you though, I swear to God I will. Just don’t go. Not yet, please. We’re all each other has, you know this!”

Narcissa stared at her, jaw locked. Their eyes locked for a long time and neither of them moved, Bellatrix’s hand still holding tightly onto Narcissa’s wrist, in fear that if she let her go that she’d run. Finally she told her, voice even and cold, “I needed you to make this weekend perfect for me, Bella. You have no idea how much I needed that.”

“We still have one more day,” Bellatrix told her softly. Narcissa’s bottom lip trembled and she shook her head.

“One day won’t fix it.”

“Then I’ll spend the rest of my life fixing it!” Bellatrix told her desperately. “Please, Cissy. Please don’t go…”

Narcissa bit the inside of her cheek, feeling the tears finally welling up in her eyes. She wanted to get away from all this madness so desperately, but one thing Bellatrix said was true: they never lived without each other. Narcissa didn’t know if she could even learn how. She tried to get away from her once, but still came back. Was there a point anymore? Was it always just going to be them, no matter how much they both fought against it?

“You’re the reason I breathe, Narcissa,” Bellatrix whispered, looking at her with more emotion than she ever had in her life.

“I wish I could fix you,” Narcissa told her, voice barely audible before a tear slipped down her cheek. “I love you so much and I hate when you turn into a monster. I hate that part of you enjoys it.” Her eyes caught Bellatrix’s, as if daring her to say otherwise.

“I…” Bellatrix started, then let out a shuddered breath. “I need it, Cissy. I’m sorry, but part of me needs her. She’s honest and she let’s me express the anger, the hatred, and the truth I have towards everyone around me. She makes me feel powerful. I don’t feel like a victim anymore. I felt like one for so long that-”

“And you think I haven’t?” Narcissa interrupted. “I got beat by Mum just as much as you did.”

“I know and I just… I guess that’s why I let her show you what it was like to feel powerful for once. I don’t want you to be a victim anymore, Cissy. I want you to feel strong.”

“Stop saying ‘she’!”

“I can’t! There’s no conscience decision on my part when I’m her. She doesn’t think, she just does. How can it be me when I’m not in control? You don’t know what goes on in my head, Narcissa! Please stop pretending that you do, it’s fucking infuriating.”

Narcissa cocked an eyebrow at her. “You told me ‘she’ was more honest, yeah?”

“Yes-”

“Then you completely fucked yourself because last night ‘she’ told me that you were doing it to make it easier on me. Which is bull, because you’re only doing it to make it easier on yourself. But I think you’d like to believe you’re doing it for me.”

Bellatrix stared at her for a moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek. Then she said, “I think I liked you better when you were a doormat.” Narcissa knew that was a lie; that Bellatrix was only being defensive because she felt backed into a corner, but she narrowed her eyes anyway.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have taught me not to be, yeah?”

Bellatrix averted her eyes away from her and untangled their hands so she could fold her arms into herself. “I need to call that part of me by a different name, okay? Because I wake up and regret everything I do. I hate that.”

“You don’t regret everything.”

“Most everything,” Bellatrix told her, looking back at her. “I’m glad I killed that sniveling little snitch of a wanker, but I hate that I purposely came home covered in his blood to show you. I think I wanted you to be proud of me, as messed up as that is. And I’m glad I taught you some strength, but I had to bloody you up to do it. That was fucked up.”

“I’m not the only one with bruises on me, you know.”

“Yeah, but the difference is that I deserve them.”

“Maybe,” Narcissa said softly. She shrugged, looking away from her. The silence was deafening. When she looked back over at her sister, she was nervously picking at the scabbed scratches on her skin.

“Why can’t you just be honest with me normally?” She didn’t understand why Bellatrix thought she had to turn into a monster just to say the truth.

“I am.”

“No, you’re not. You may be right now, but I have to get through a string of lies before you tell me the truth.”

“Don’t act like you don’t lie to me as well, Cissy,” Bellatrix replied, a little angry with her. “I’m not the only one lying about stuff here.”

“Fine,” Narcissa said, letting out a breath and leaning against the wall. She peered at her. “So tell me something true then, and I’ll do the same. Just keep going until we get everything out, yeah?” She didn’t know if it’d do any good, but she prayed it would. It had to, didn’t it?

Bellatrix bit her bottom lip and hesitantly sat down on the bed. She was silent for a moment as she picked at the sheets. Finally she admitted without looking at her, “I know what I’m saying and doing when I’m like that.”

Narcissa nodded. She pursed her lips before she told her, “I hate that you’re a murderer.”

“I… I hurt myself when I can’t hurt other people.”

Narcissa’s stomach lurched. She didn’t know that. “I stopped eating,” she told her softly. Bellatrix’s eyes snapped up to meet hers.

“What? Completely?”

“No, Bella, don’t stop. Just keep going. We’ll deal with it when it’s over,” Narcissa begged. They couldn’t get stuck on every little thing or else nothing would come out.

Bellatrix didn’t look happy with that, but relented. “I joined the Death Eaters for myself, not for you like I said.”

“Lucius was the one who nearly proposed.”

Bellatrix’s eyes flashed but she went on, “I lied when I told you I never slept with a man.”

Narcissa’s mouth dropped open. “Who?”

“Just keep going,” Bellatrix muttered, not looking at her.

Narcissa folded her arms into herself and told her angrily, “A part of me hates you for what you did to Andromeda. Another part of me loves you for it and it makes me sick.”

Bellatrix ran her fingers through her hair before putting her face to her knees and mumbling guiltily, “I also lied when I said I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Keep going,” Bellatrix mumbled into her knees. She wouldn’t look at her.

“I feel so out of control that sometimes I just want to die because I think it’d be easier than living like this,” Narcissa told her, trying to ignore the fury in the pit of her stomach.

“I feel like I stole your childhood away from you.”

“I hope that I can stop eating until I shrivel away into nothing.”

That made Bellatrix look at her, worry and distress crossing her face. “Shit, Narcissa…”

“Keep going.”

“I plan to kill Mum when you finish school.”

“Lovely,” Narcissa said dryly, her stomach lurching. “I enjoyed hurting you last night. You’re right; it did feel good.”

“I wish I could have married you.”

“I wish you could have married me too.”

They both stopped, looking at each other for what seemed like forever. Finally Narcissa crossed the room, sitting next to Bellatrix on the bed. She covered her hand with hers, linking their fingers together. Finally Bellatrix whispered, “You need to eat, Cissy. You’ll die…”

“I want to die,” Narcissa told her honestly, feeling sick to her stomach. She never admitted it out loud before. She barely even admitted it to herself. She felt her bottom lip tremble as she further admitted, “And be beautiful when I do. I want it to be almost poetic. Finally beautiful, but dead.”

Bellatrix squeezed her hand hard, sniffing softly as a tear fell down her cheek. She shook her head almost violently. “I don’t want you to die…” She looked over at her, face filled with distress. It made Narcissa ill to see her sister so upset at the mere possibility. “Please eat, Cissy. I couldn’t bare it if you died. You’ve always been beautiful, don’t you know that?”

“I’ll start eating when you stop killing people,” Narcissa countered. They both stared at each other for a long time before Bellatrix pulled away, shaking her head. She knew she couldn’t promise her that.

“Who where they?” Narcissa asked finally. “Who have you been sleeping with?” Her voice broke when she asked the question, feeling betrayed.

“I slept with Rodolphus’ brother,” Bellatrix admitted, not looking at her. “Once. He was… he looks at me with all this desire in his eyes and I just went mad one day and fucked him just to see what it was like. I hated it; I find no desire in the male anatomy. I didn’t tell you because…” she sighed, “I don’t know; I just didn’t want you to know, I suppose. Admitting I’m a dyke seemed easier in the long run.”

With her husband’s brother? God, Bellatrix knew no bounds.

“And the others?” Narcissa asked, upset.

“I paid two women to shag me when you were in school,” Bellatrix told her softly. She still wouldn’t look her in the eyes.

“Prostitutes?” Narcissa asked, horrified. “You slept with prostitutes?”

“What did you want me to do?!” Bellatrix exclaimed, finally looking at her. “I needed to get better and you weren’t around. Better them than someone I actually gave a shit about, no? Not that there is anyone else I care about besides you anyway.”

Narcissa shook her head, feeling incredibly disappointed with her sister. But she knew a part of Bellatrix was right; what else could she do? Narcissa hated it though. She couldn’t help it and she didn’t think she should try to that it doesn’t upset her, even if she can’t fix the problem.

“So what now?” Narcissa asked, looking over at her sister.

“Now…” Bellatrix started, sighing. She looked so worn out, but then again Narcissa felt the same. “Now I heal our wounds and let you open your birthday presents.”

“You didn’t have to get me all this,” Narcissa muttered.

“After what I did, I should buy you an island,” Bellatrix told her softly.

Narcissa is pretty sure even with her and Rodolphus’ combined trust funds, she still wouldn’t be able to buy her an island. But she supposes that wasn’t the point. “An island doesn’t make up for everything, you know.”

“I know… but I hope it’ll be a start.”

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

When Bellatrix healed their wounds with magic, it was painful. She didn’t have much practice with bruises so as they healed they hurt nearly as bad as they did when they were made. The cuts were easier, less painful. Narcissa realized suddenly it was probably because she was used to healing those all the time.

“I hurt myself when I can’t hurt other people.”

It hurt Narcissa to know that, but she never brought it up. In some way, she realized she had no place to tell Bellatrix to stop, because she had her own self-destructive behaviors. So she stayed quiet, letting Bellatrix heal her wounds. Every time a cut healed, every time a bruise disappeared, Bellatrix would kiss her skin softly, as if silently apologizing. Narcissa didn’t know if it made a difference as a whole, but it was nice after all of the violence to be touched like she was worth something.

That’s why she stayed, ultimately. Bellatrix was the only one who ever made her feel like she was worth anything at all. To lose that, she felt like she may lose herself. She was already teetering towards the edge, sometimes wishing that she would fall off of it. To look back on her life, there was so much despair. And yes, some of it came from her sister. But Bellatrix saved her more times than she destroyed her and if that didn’t tip the scales, nothing would.

There was so much horror; so much pain between the two of them. So much horror from their childhood and so much pain in their present. Their lives were going two different ways, yet somehow still down the same path; both victims who were just trying to take control of anything they could hold onto. But Narcissa knew that if they didn’t stop fighting with each other that they were going to fall apart at the seams.

Besides, Narcissa was just tired. On one hand the screaming and the fighting was good for them because it was probably the most honest they had ever been with each other in their entire lives, but on another it was just so emotionally draining.

When Bellatrix was done healing her wounds, she started healing her own. With every cut that sealed, with every bruise that faded, Narcissa gave her the same treatment; a kiss. When Bellatrix was done, she laid her head on her shoulder and asked softly, “What about the one… inside of you?” Bellatrix was bleeding from her vagina after their rough encounter, Narcissa’s nails cutting her.

Bellatrix shrugged half-heartedly. “I don’t know how to fix that one,” she told her honestly. “Besides, even if I could, I don’t think I would. It’ll bare a reminder not to piss you off; you fight dirty.” She gave her a faint smirk and Narcissa snorted lightly, burying her face in her hair.

“Does it still hurt?” Narcissa asked softly.

“Yeah,” Bellatrix whispered. “But it doesn’t hurt as bad as my heart does.”

They sat there for a while, holding each other in silence. It felt like hours had passed, but it couldn’t have been that long. They were both so emotionally exhausted and after some time they found themselves curled up under the bed covers, Narcissa’s head on her sister’s chest. She was running her fingers softly up and down the length of each of Bellatrix’s fingers, then over her palm. It made her wonder how many deaths were upon her hands.

“Bella?” she asked softly.

“Yeah?”

“Promise me something?”

Bellatrix laced their fingers together before bringing them up to her lips to kiss the back of Narcissa’s hand. “Anything.”

“Don’t… don’t tell me anymore what you do when you’re with them,” Narcissa asked quietly, staring at the muscles in Bellatrix’s stomach. They had just tensed. “Your… ‘work’, I guess we’ll call it… I hate it. I hate knowing that you’re a murderer. And I guess I’ll always know that, but I think I need to ignore it, for my own sanity and for the sake of our relationship. I want to pretend you’re not; that when you’re with me, like this, that this is the only side you have. Okay?”

Bellatrix closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them, staring at the ceiling as she let out a long breath. “You know I’ll come back… as her sometimes though, right?”

“I know. But…” giving into Bellatrix’s wish to separate, she went on, “don’t let her throw it in my face. I’ll take care of you, I’ll always take care of you when you need me, but I can’t handle having the reality of your other life so blatantly in my face, okay? So promise me you’ll never talk about it.”

Bellatrix pursed her lips before looking at her. “I promise. But an exception has to be made if your life in danger.” A pause, like an afterthought, “Or mine.”

“Why would my life be in danger?”

“I don’t know, I’m just… saying. I don’t know what might happen in the future, I’m just… covering the bases, yeah?” Bellatrix avoided.

“Bella,” Narcissa said flatly. “Tell me the truth.”

“You told me not to talk about it-”

“Bella.” She wasn’t going to let her do this anymore; give her half truths, avoid.

“There’s going to be a war, okay?” Bellatrix told her, exasperated. She didn’t want to tell her, that much was obvious. Her tone was snapping and defensive. “At some point. I don’t know when; years off probably. And I swear Cissy if you breathe a word-”

“I won’t,” Narcissa told her automatically. She knew the type of people she was involved with; she knew what they would do to her. She pursed her lips, looking down as she idly picked at Bellatrix’s knickers, pulling up the elastic band and snapping it back down to her skin. Not hard, just… she needed to do something with her hands. “Why would the war involve me?” she asked finally.

“I don’t know. It shouldn’t. I hope it doesn’t,” Bellatrix told her. “But I never know… no one ever knows what’s going to happen. But I need to be able to protect you if I have to.”

It was sometime after until Bellatrix finally gave Narcissa her presents. Narcissa protested, telling her she didn’t need fancy trinkets and whatnot, but Bellatrix persisted. She wanted to try and apologize with them. Or, at least start apologizing with them. Bellatrix knew that she had a long way to go; ruining Narcissa’s fourteenth birthday was not something that would be easily forgotten. However, when Narcissa received the latest broomstick model from her, she knew she was at least a step closer by how loudly she squealed.

The rest of their visit consisted of Bellatrix trying to teach her to ride it. Narcissa never did do well in her first year during flying lessons. But with some help from her sister she at least stopped falling off of the thing.

When the two parted, it made Narcissa feel both sad and relieved. She knew they both needed space, but she dreaded going back to school. Bellatrix told her she’d see her at Christmas, gave her a kiss, and they went their separate ways.

Even with all the horrible, violent things that happened that night, one good thing definitely came out of it: Narcissa finally knew how to stand up for herself. So when a boy that Bellatrix crossed when she was in school shoved Narcissa into a wall on her way out of class one day, which was sadly a regular occurrence, she hexed him without a second thought. It earned her a detention, but it was worth it. She cleaned those damn trophies with a smile on her face.

After a couple altercations with a few different people that used to bully her, students finally got the message to stay clear of her. They finally stopped using her as a way to get back at her sister; as a punching bag. When the day came when no one picked on her, she was happier than she could ever remember being.

She ate a muffin.

Hogsmeade weekend was the weekend before Christmas vacation and for the first time since her sister left school, she was really excited about going. She wanted to buy something really nice for her sister because while she was still unhappy that all that had to go down on her birthday, she had really helped her. Maybe her crazy side did have some uses after all.

She walked into The Three Broomsticks and sat down at a table, wanting to get a butterbeer before she started her holiday shopping. Now that she was eating - well, sort of, seeing as she allowed herself only one thing a day now (two if she was feeling particularly good about herself) - she wanted to have that as her thing for the day. While butterbeer wasn’t food, it definitely had enough calories to be considered it.

Almost immediately after it was delivered to her, a girl slid into the seat opposite her, too excited to be legal. “Is it true?!” she asked breathlessly.

Narcissa raised an eyebrow, unamused. “Hello Margret. How nice to see you after, what has it been? A year?” While once they used to hang out, mostly in Narcissa’s second year, Margret seemed to completely disappear from her life after she got involved with that boy she met at their party.

“Oh don’t give me that, I know I buggered off for a while but you were hanging out with your sister all the time too,” Margret retorted, giving her an equal look of unamusment.

“Bellatrix hasn’t been here for nearly four months,” Narcissa told her flatly.

“Well you got all… odd,” Margret said, furrowing her eyebrows like it was a shameful thing to talk about. “You’d walk around looking like you envied troll fashion. Surely you don’t expect anyone to associate with you when you’re like that.” She looked disgusted just by the memory, but then smiled at her. “You’re looking much better, by the way,” she gushed, like that made up for just insulting her.

But such was the way with purebloods. Most of it was so fake; Narcissa had watched her mother growing up being sweet as pie to someone’s face only to turn around and talk bad about them a moment later when their back was turned.

Narcissa cocked an eyebrow and took a sip of her butterbeer. When she put it down she asked, “Well? Is what true?”

“That Lucius plans to ask you to marry him next year, of course!” Margret asked, instantly excited again. Of course; the only time anyone was ever interested in being her friend was when they thought Lucius Malfoy was interested in her. It was probably more so this time now that he earned the title of Prefect.

Narcissa’s face instantly darkened. “Where did you hear that?”

“From that first year that’s been following him around like an abandoned puppy, surely you’ve noticed him? It’s awfully pathetic. Snake… Snape, something. Regardless, is it true? Oh, you’d be the envy of the whole school if it was!” Margret gushed.

“Excuse me,” Narcissa told her icily as she slid out of the booth, her eyes landing on Lucius in the corner with his friends. Margret was saying something to her but she ignored it as she strode over to him, cutting into their group and conversation.

“Narcissa!” Lucius exclaimed in delight when he saw who it was who had just arrived, only to have his face fall when he saw the look on her face. “Is something wrong?”

“All of you piss off; I want a word with Lucius. Alone,” Narcissa said, her voice ice cold. Crabbe, Goyle, and a greasy haired looking first year all turned to Lucius, as if waiting for permission from their master.

“Leave us,” Lucius said, nodding. They all left without hesitation. When he turned to her, he offered, “Can I interest you in a refreshment?”

“Have you been telling people of your plans to wed me?” Narcissa asked, ignoring his hospitality.

“I… had told my friends of my plans, of course. But this was before you instructed me not to do so,” Lucius told her, seemingly a little flustered by her outright bluntness. Narcissa knew proper women do not address their problems like this, but she was angry. Besides, she was yet a woman.

“Well rumors are starting, Lucius. See that they end.”

“Why do you act like it’s such a crime for me to desire you?” Lucius asked, which took Narcissa back a little. She never expected him to be so… forthright either.

“Because you don’t know me.”

“I know enough.”

“We kissed once, Lucius. Years ago. You never properly dated me, nor took the time to get to know me. You only know of my family and my wealth and that my outward appearance is appealing to you,” Narcissa countered, putting her hands on her hips with a look that dared him to argue.

“I’d like to get to know you,” Lucius tried.

“A gesture that’s too little, too late,” Narcissa told him with finality in her voice as she turned away from him. But she stopped once he spoke again.

“I know you like lavender.”

“What?” Narcissa asked, rounding to face him. Her face showed surprised. She liked lavender because that’s what her sister always smelled like.

“I know that you love your eldest sister more than anyone else in the world. I know that you’re rubbish in potions, but decent in charms because you work better with a wand. I know that you dread the post, though the reason behind that escapes me. I know your favorite color is deep blue and that most of your wardrobe consists of that color when you’re out of school robes. I know that you wear your hair up only on Thursdays. And I know that you love blueberry muffins, or at least it’s the only kind you’ll eat.”

Narcissa stared at him, disbelievingly. Finally she said, “I don’t only wear my hair up on Thursdays.”

Lucius smirked. “Trust me, you do. You may not notice it, but I have. It may just be a habit you’re unaware of; we all have those, I believe.”

Narcissa rolled her eyes, but secretly was a little pleased that he took so much notice of her. “So what does that prove then? That you have your minions spy on me? Hardly romantic.”

“I don’t get them to spy on you, Narcissa. I noticed that all on my own. I did listen when you talked to me years ago, you know.”

Narcissa bit the inside of her cheek as she looked him up and down; assessing him, judging him. She was surprised that for someone who was so believing that marriage was only for power and not for love, took the time to notice and remember things about her. Only Bellatrix did that. Whether she wanted to be or not, she was impressed.

“And what do you hope to gain by telling me all of this?” Narcissa asked coolly, not allowing her face to show any sign in his favor.

“A date. A proper one.”

Narcissa was silent for a moment, looking him over. He looked sincere, which was also another shock. She had become so distrusting of people as of late. But she relented, “Alright. One date; that’s all your getting.” She supposed he deserved at least that after that performance.

Lucius smiled, obviously pleased with himself. “That’s all I need.”

Narcissa snorted. “Cocky, aren’t you? One date doesn’t automatically mean I’ll marry you, you know.”

“I know. But I got out of that confrontation last week with your sister alive, so I’m confident courting you won’t be nearly as difficult.” He smirked, trying to make a joke. But Narcissa’s eyes widened.

“You talked to Bellatrix?” she asked, then immediately cringed because she should have known Bellatrix would say something; she did tell her Lucius was the one who nearly proposed.

“Talking wasn’t exactly the word I would use,” Lucius replied. “But she did confront me about my near proposal, yes. She wasn’t happy. I don’t know if you’re aware, but she seems to think of you as her property.”

“I’m sorry about that-”

Lucius held up his hand, “No need. It was bound to happen eventually. But I think we came to an agreement.”

“Oh?” Narcissa asked, both surprised and intrigued.

“The terms mostly revolved around if I hurt you she would ‘feed me my own bollocks though a straw’ and that she would always come first in your life and I’d do well to remember that, but yes; an agreement was made. I suspect only because…” he trailed off then, suddenly realizing who he was talking to.

“Because you’re both in the same ‘group’,” Narcissa finished for him flatly, using air quotes. That was another thing that worried her about getting involved with Lucius; he was a Death Eater as well, or at least an aspiring one. She had known since she saw him leaving the common room some nights with Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and that whole group.

Alarm registered on Lucius’ face and he looked around the room, fearful of eavesdroppers before he leaned in and whispered, “You know? Does your sister plan to have you join?”

“I will never join,” Narcissa told him in a low voice. “You may do as you wish, as can my sister, but that is not something that interests me.”

“You shouldn’t know of this if you aren’t-”

“My sister is sick,” Narcissa told him seriously. “You must see her; how she can get. I alone am the only one who can help her, so I have to know. I’ve never breathed a word of it nor will I ever, but my loyalty is to my sister and her health presides over anything else. Understood? So forget this conversation and act as if I do not know, nor that you know about my sister’s condition,” Narcissa instructed.

Lucius nodded before straightening back up, pulling on his robes a little sub-consciously to make himself look more put together. “So,” he started, “when will I be allowed the pleasure of your company, Ms. Black?”

“When you stop speaking to me like you’re my grandfather,” Narcissa told him, smirking.

Lucius chuckled. “I’m sorry, old habits. When can I take you out?”

Narcissa half smiled at him and shrugged lightly. “Whenever you wish, I suppose. I don’t have anything planned.”

“Over Christmas break then?” Lucius offered.

Narcissa nodded politely, trying to hide the smile. She didn’t want to show him how much she was impressed with him less he get cocky about it. “I’d like that. But I can’t guarantee that my sister won’t interfere… even with an agreement, you must know that she’s awfully overprotective of me.”

“So I’ve noticed,” Lucius said with an amused smirk. “But… if you don’t mind, would you hold off on telling her until after the date? If you wish to continue seeing me after that, then you should tell her. But I’d like to have one night getting to know you on my own without any interference, if that’s alright?”

Narcissa raised a flirty eyebrow, “Not planning on using the alone time to get into my knickers are you?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Lucius said immediately. Off of Narcissa’s disbelieving look he revised, being honest, “Well, a man can only hope of course, but I wouldn’t push the matter. Besides, as strange as it is, I think I might actually feel guilty of taking your purity before marriage.”

That was surprising, more than anything else. She knew Lucius had been with many women, some of which she was sure were pure before they met him. She had no idea why he respected her so much, but she wasn’t about to complain about it. “Then we have an agreement,” Narcissa replied, once again not allowing her face to show her emotion on that matter. She rather enjoyed keeping him guessing.

He smiled at her and she returned it politely before she turned, walking away and leaving him alone. Her grin spread across her face once her back was turned from him and as she walked out of The Three Broomsticks, suddenly she was surrounded by a swarm of girls.

Narcissa didn’t try very hard to suppress her eye roll. She hated how fake everyone was. No one had interest in her in her three months ago, nor three days ago. Now, suddenly, she seemed to be the most popular girl in Slytherin by how many people were surrounding her. It aggravated her.

“Well, what did he say?”

“Did he ask you out?”

“He didn’t ask her out, you prat, they’re already engaged!”

“The rumors are true then? You’re going to marry him?”

“Leave it to another Black to take all the best men off the market.”

“Oh shut up, Marla, don’t be a jealous plonker just because no one’s asked for your hand yet.”

“Please stop!” Narcissa exclaimed, rendering the five girls silent for at least a second. “I don’t know where you’re hearing all these rumors, but Lucius and I are not engaged. It wouldn’t be proper for him to ask, I’m only fourteen.”

“So? Rules can be changed.”

“But he is going to ask you when you’re fifteen, right?” Margret asked excitedly. “I mean, he told his friends he would!”

“I don’t pretend to know what goes on inside the mind of Lucius Malfoy,” Narcissa told them all coolly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

She pushed past them all, leaving them all standing there with their mouths open. She knows any sane person would be overjoyed by all the attention, but Narcissa didn’t enjoy getting attention just because of who is courting her. If she wanted friends, she’d want them because they liked who she was as a person.

Narcissa was pleased however that she was getting good attention now, instead of all the bad that seemed to be thrown her way lately. It was a nice change of pace and for the first time in awhile, she felt good about herself.

Strange how things could change so drastically; so quickly, wasn’t it?

GO TO PART TWELVE...