Fanfiction || Amphierotic Bloodlines || Bellatrix/Narcissa || Part Two

[cuzimastripper]

Title: Amphierotic Bloodlines
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta(s): supershineygirl (chapter two), dolfynrider (chapter three & onwards)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17 (for future chapters)
Length Thus Far: 17,999 words
Main Pairing: Bellatrix/Narcissa
Sub Pairings: Narcissa/Lucius, Narcissa/OC, Bellatrix/OC, Bellatrix/Rodolphus
Summary: Growing up in the 1960s in a family that expected nothing less than perfection, anything less than such was deemed unfit for a young woman of their status and was punished severely. A house that was classified as 'noble' had dark secrets hidden within those walls, a fear that only the people within experienced. The confusion young girls have growing up was more than intensified in there: it bordered on practically unbearable. This is a story about growing up, about surviving abuse, and about finding salvation and love from anyone you can, even if it’s from the last person on earth you know you should ever hold a deep affection for.
Warning(s): Lesbian incest, graphic child abuse, dubcon, sex between minors, first chapter is un-beta’d
A/N: For NaNoWriMo 2010. This story is entirely from Narcissa’s POV (though not in first person) and will only include up to her graduation from Hogwarts. I may do a sequel later to cover her adult years, but for now I think this is more than enough.
Other Parts: PART ONE

CHAPTER THREE

Narcissa’s silent treatment to Bellatrix lasted three whole months. It felt like an eternity, and even though Bellatrix tried to get her to speak to her, Narcissa refused. She became very withdrawn and angry, starting to snap at nearly everyone who spoke to her. She was quickly getting the reputation of “yet another Black brat”, but she didn’t care in the slightest. She felt betrayed, plain and simple. Not to mention burdened by a secret that shouldn’t have to lie on her shoulders.

Andromeda was curious as to what was going on, seeing as Bellatrix and Narcissa were usually inseparable during Christmas, but Narcissa wouldn’t say. She just said that they had it out. Andromeda didn’t push her, but Narcissa is sure she asked Bellatrix about it regardless.

Frankly Narcissa was surprised that Andromeda cared enough to even ask in the first place. She was barely ever around anymore, always off doing her own thing with god only knew who. She was starting to act oddly, but Narcissa was too busy with schoolwork and trying to avoid Bellatrix and her stupid prat of a girlfriend, or whatever she was, to really fully investigate.

But then one day Narcissa broke her silence to Bellatrix, but only out of necessity and irrational fear.

It was an embarrassing memory, but it was one of those things about growing up a woman that was unavoidable. Of course, if her mother wasn’t dead set on not preparing any of her daughters for anything in life outside of marriage, or if she had remembered to ask Bellatrix about that thing she mentioned two years ago, maybe she wouldn’t have had such a colossal breakdown.

When she woke up one morning, she found her sheets had blood on them. Confused as to what was going on, she quickly put her comforter over them so no one would see and then ran to the bathroom because she wasn’t feeling well. Her stomach was hurting like nothing else she had ever experienced and she was sure she was going to be sick. It felt like her insides were turning inside out and the pain was spreading down her thighs. She doubled over in pain, realizing it was getting worse the longer time went on.

Then she felt something wet on her sleeping gown. Fearful she had relieved her bladder in her sleep because she was clearly coming down with something horrible, she pulled down her knickers. What she saw made her scream. Loudly.

Narcissa was sure she was dying. There wasn’t any other explanation for what was going on. Her heart was beating a thousand miles an hour and she couldn’t calm down. Her breathing was coming in shallow and she was scared. Grabbing some toilet paper, she quickly cleaned herself up as best as she could before stealing back into her dormitory. Thankfully it was empty, everyone already having gone down to breakfast. She changed into her school robes quickly, heart pounding before she left to go down to the Great Hall.

She needed to find one of her sisters. There was a lot of blood coming out of her; this couldn’t be normal!

She found Bellatrix first, sitting next to Gwendolyn. She ran up to her quickly, “Bella!” she exclaimed, voice fearful.

Bellatrix turned around, surprise written all over her face from being addressed by her after so long. But then she narrowed her eyes. “Oh, talking to me now, are you? Piss off.”

“Bella, please,” Narcissa begged, tears springing to her eyes. She lowered her voice and told her, “Something’s wrong with me. I don’t know what to do.”

Bellatrix, sensing the fear in her sister, immediately became concerned. “What’s wrong?” she asked, though obviously didn’t think it was very dire seeing as Narcissa was able to stand in front of her.

Narcissa looked at the people around her, some of which were staring. “I can’t… I can’t tell you here,” she whispered, her voice wavering. “Please, just…”

“Okay, come on. Don’t have a fit,” Bellatrix said patiently, standing up and taking Narcissa’s hand. She gave Gwendolyn a look Narcissa didn’t catch, but it didn’t matter. She was dying for Christ’s sake. Her stomach pain was getting worse and she didn’t understand why she hasn’t thrown up yet. Keeping a firm grip on Bellatrix’s hand, she practically pulled her out of the Great Hall and into the closest girl’s bathroom.

“Okay, Cissy… Cissy! You don’t have to pull me!” Bellatrix protested, but Narcissa wasn’t listening. She let go of her hand once they entered the bathroom though, looking up at her with wide, fearful eyes. She looked like she was about to breakdown crying and Bellatrix, finally realizing this was something really serious, grasped her arms. “Narcissa, what’s wrong?”

“I… there’s… I’m bleeding,” Narcissa told her, voice shaking. “And everything hurts, Bella. I think I’m really sick.” She clutched at her stomach.

“Bleeding? Where?” Bellatrix asked, searching her for any signs of blood. But then she took in Narcissa’s expression, where she’s holding her stomach, and it hits her. “Oh… oh.” She chuckled a little, which Narcissa was appalled by. How can she not be taking this seriously?! “Cissy, calm down. You’re just having your period.”

“My what?” Narcissa exclaimed. “What the bloody hell is that? I’m bleeding out of my vagina, Bellatrix! There’s something seriously wrong with me! I think one of my organs exploded! This is serious, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!” And then she started to cry; overwhelmed by the pain and the lack of concern Bellatrix was showing. She should have just went to Madame Pomfrey.

Bellatrix tried to stop laughing, looking like she actually felt bad for making her sister cry. “Come on, Cissy. I just… it was funny, I’m sorry!” She tried to reach out to her, but Narcissa pushed her hands away, upset. “Hey, come here,” Bellatrix said, voice softer. “Come on, it’s okay. You’re not dying, I promise you. I should have told you about this, but I didn’t think you’d even get it until next year at least.”

Narcissa looked at her, teary eyed. She sniffed. “What’s going on?” she asked, voice of nothing more than a scared child.

“It’s just your body welcoming you into womanhood. It’s not a big deal. I’ll tell you how to manage it,” Bellatrix promised.

“Womanhood?” Narcissa asked, appalled. “To be a woman we have to bleed down there?”

“Every month,” Bellatrix told her. Narcissa’s mouth dropped open. She didn’t want to have go through this every month; it was awful!

“I know how you feel,” Bellatrix said, noting her look. “None of us like it, trust me. But it’s manageable. Come on, go clean yourself up as best you can in the stall and I’ll be right back with something to help you. Try to calm yourself down, okay?”

Narcissa nodded, feeling a little foolish. Why didn’t her mother prepare her for this? The woman is so useless! You’d think this would be something that was important enough to share!

Narcissa went into the stall and started cleaning up the small bit of blood that had gotten on her knickers. This was completely mortifying. She was eleven; she shouldn’t have to be dealing with woman stuff right now! All she wanted was to come to Hogwarts and be normal, and now she… Narcissa sighed, wiping away her tears. This was horrible. She didn’t like it one bit.

She was rubbing her stomach when Bellatrix came back, trying to dull the pain. Bellatrix opened the stall door and handed her what looked like a cotton bullet. “What’s that?”

“A tampon,” Bellatrix answered. “You need to put it inside of you.”

Narcissa blinked. “I… what?”

Bellatrix sighed. “Inside of you, Cissy. It needs to go up your… you know. It’ll stop the bleeding for a little while. Then you change it in a couple hours. You’ll have to do this a couple times a day for about a week.”

Narcissa stared at the tampon like she couldn’t comprehend its existence. “I… no. No, I can’t do that! That’s foul!”

Bellatrix sighed, leaning against the stall door. “You need to. Do you want to go to your classes leaving blood stains everywhere you sit?”

Narcissa’s eyes go wide. No. Definitely not. That would be mortifying. Everyone would laugh at her; she didn’t want that. But that… putting that inside of her frightened her. But Bellatrix motioned the tampon to her again, so Narcissa hesitantly reached out and took it.

“I’ll wait for you,” Bellatrix told her, before stepping out of the stall and leaving Narcissa alone.

Alone with the tampon.

Which seemed to be mocking her.

Narcissa took a breath and sat down on the loo, pulling her knickers down to her ankles. She hesitantly unwrapped the clear plastic around the cotton, having absolutely no clue how to really go about this. It seemed really gross to her, to fiddle with herself down there. But then again, so did bleeding all over herself constantly. She made a face of hesitancy before moving her hands between her legs. This was so awkward.

But then Bellatrix heard from inside the stall, “Ow!”

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“It won’t fit!” Narcissa whined. “It hurts.” How could anyone possibly fit anything up there? It seemed nearly impossible!

Bellatrix sighed patiently. “It’s because you’ve never had anything up there before. It needs to... stretch.”

This day was going from bad to worse. Stretch? That sounded awfully painful. She whimpered a little in complaint but said, “Okay,” and held her breath as she tried again.

“OW!”

“Cissy, you’re going to have to get through the pain. You need to-” Bellatrix started, trying to help her, but Narcissa was having none of it. She was on the verge of a breakdown. This was too much for one young girl to handle in a single day.

“It’s never going to fit, Bella! It just isn’t!”

“Yes it will,” Bellatrix said patiently. “Come on, suck it up.”

“Suck it up?” Narcissa asked, insulted. “It hurts!”

“You heard me. I had to go through it too. Just do it quickly, I’m hungry,” Bellatrix told her, no more patience left in her. Narcissa could hear her foot tapping against the marble floor. This was awful. This was more than awful.

Narcissa let out a breath, knowing she’s about to cry. She felt like such a silly child but her stomach was still hurting and nothing seemed to be working out for her the way it was supposed to. “Bella, will you…” she started, voice barely a whisper, “help?” It was probably one of the more embarrassing questions she’d ever have to ask in her life, but she was desperate.

“What? No!” Bellatrix protested. “Just do it yourself.”

“I can’t!” Narcissa whined, dissolving into tears again. “And now I’m going to have to walk around with blood coming out of me all week and everyone’s going to laugh! I’m going to be made fun of for the rest of my life and everyone’s going to hate me and call me ‘the blood stain girl’ or something equally as horrible and I can’t-!”

“Narcissa!” Bellatrix exclaimed loudly. “Relax, you’re becoming hysterical. It’s only a tampon.”

But Narcissa kept crying, putting her head in her hands. She couldn’t deal with this. This shouldn’t be happening to her right now. Bellatrix, hearing her sob with no intentions of fixing her own problem, let out an aggravated sigh. “Fine, I’ll help, alright? Just stop crying. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Narcissa heard the click of the stall door opening. She looked up, tears streaming down her face, feeling really embarrassed. Bellatrix looked her over, looking extremely uncomfortable with the situation. “Shit,” she cursed, shaking her head. “Don’t you ever breathe a word about this to anyone.”

“I won’t,” Narcissa whispered, feeling awful about putting her sister in an awkward position. She couldn’t even imagine it being reversed. Bellatrix knelt down in front of her and held out her hand for the tampon, trying to look anywhere but between Narcissa’s legs. “Thank you,” Narcissa said softly, handing it to her.

“Yeah, sure,” Bellatrix replied, though it didn’t sound like a ‘you’re welcome’ in the slightest. She chose to stare behind Narcissa as she attempted to insert the thing blind. Which, ultimately, wasn’t working out for the better. Narcissa nearly jumped a mile the second Bellatrix’s hand touched her most intimate area and she flushed from head to toe. So did Bellatrix.

“I think you’re going to have to look if you want to get it in,” Narcissa suggested, needing to this moment to be over, like, yesterday.

“Cissy, will you for one second just appreciate the awkwardness of this moment and respect it?” she asked, taking her hand away and looking at her. A funny look crossed over her face and her ears turned a bit pink. “It’s… weird for me to look, okay?”

“But I thought you liked-”

“You’re my sister!”

“Oh, okay,” Narcissa said, feeling foolish. That probably was a stupid thing to say. She tapped her foot impatiently, waiting for Bellatrix to get up the nerve to actually look at her so she can see what she’s doing. It was growing more and more awkward after each passing second, but Narcissa knew that if she sent Bellatrix away then she’d probably never get it inside of her. “Sorry,” she apologized.

“Don’t mention it,” Bellatrix said. “And I mean really, never mention it. To anyone. Ever.”

“Okay.”

This was getting more mortifying with each passing second, but finally Bellatrix took a breath and turned to look at her. Narcissa immediately felt a weird sensation in the pit of her stomach when she caught Bellatrix practically staring. But she didn’t say anything, knowing it would just make everything more awkward for her and she really needed her to do this. Instead she started chewing on her thumbnail, almost holding her breath as she watched her sister snap herself out of her staring contest with her vagina, and hesitantly reached forward.

“Okay, this is going to hurt,” Bellatrix told her, looking like this is possibly the weirdest moment she’s ever had in her life. She furrows her eyebrows and Narcissa noticed her breathing become a little shallower. Then she touched her again. Possibly opening her up, Narcissa wasn’t sure, but all she knew is that it was possibly the weirdest feeling she ever had, mostly because it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

At least, that was until Bellatrix shoved that blasted thing inside of her with absolutely no warning. “MOTHER FUCKER!” she screamed as it felt like she was just torn open. It was a word she never used before, but had heard a couple times. It apparently decided to just slip out during the appropriate situation.

“Nice language, Cissy,” Bellatrix said with a smirk; a welcome distraction from the awkwardness. “You kiss Mum with that mouth?”

But Narcissa wasn’t listening; she was too busy cradling the apex between her thighs with her hand. She looked at Bellatrix like she was pure evil and yelled, “You could have warned me!”

“I thought me being between your legs was warning enough,” Bellatrix said, standing up and dusting off her robes. She looked a little distracted from her own thoughts as she made a task out of brushing the lint of her garments. “Regardless, it’s in. You’re welcome.” She looked up and tried to make eye contact with Narcissa, but she was in too much pain to even really look at her.

“Shut up,” Narcissa said, still holding herself and grimacing. “Oh my god, I hate you,” she whined, looking between her legs. She expected it to be gushing blood right now because of how much it hurt, but it wasn’t in the slightest. Bellatrix rolled her eyes.

“Stop staring at yourself like a weirdo. Pull your knickers up and come on. If we’re lucky we can still eat a little something before class.”

“I’m not going to be able to walk.”

“You’re being dramatic,” Bellatrix told her, holding out her hand to help her up. Narcissa ignored it though and pulled up her knickers in a huff before glaring at her. “Look, you asked,” Bellatrix said, exasperated with the way Narcissa was acting.

“Yes, but you weren’t supposed to just… do it like that! You should have done it slower!” Narcissa complained, standing up. God, it hurt. This is the worst day of her life.

“If I did it slow it would’ve hurt more,” Bellatrix told her, moving out of the stall. Narcissa just made a grumpy face as she tried to situate her robes. But then a thought occurred to her.

“Wait,” she said, making Bellatrix stop mid stride. “How do I… get it out?”

Bellatrix sighed, looking a little annoyed as she walked over to the sink, washing her hands. “The string, you ponce. What do you think it’s there for, decoration? Grab and pull, it’s not complicated.”

“You don’t have to be mean about it,” Narcissa responded, pouting as she flushed in embarrassment. It was bad enough she barely knew anything about her own anatomy and how to handle it’s… malfunctions properly, but for Bellatrix to make fun of her only made it worse. She had no one else to talk to about this sort of stuff with.

But Bellatrix seemed to have reached her breaking point with her helpful behavior. She looked extremely uncomfortable all of a sudden and took a couple steps back from Narcissa like she didn’t even want to be near her. Narcissa didn’t understand why she was acting that way. She was fine a minute ago, wasn’t she? She was poking fun at her for her bad language and encouraging her to get a move on to breakfast.

Why does it look like she suddenly switched personalities?

“Look, I just think you should stop asking stupid questions,” Bellatrix told her, looking down on her and wiping her hands on her robes to dry them. “And… maybe figure some stuff out for yourself for once. I’m not always going to be around for this sort of thing. And I don’t think it’s fair that you expect me to be. After all, no one explained anything to me and I got through everything fine."

Narcissa just stared at her for a moment; her feelings a little hurt as she too began to wash her hands. “You… want me to leave you alone?” she asked, softly, staring at the sink. She didn’t have anyone else.

“With stuff like this, yes,” Bellatrix said, sounding miffed. “I’m your sister, it’s not appropriate for you to ask me all these personal things.”

“Well who am I supposed to ask then?” Narcissa asked as she turned off the sink and wiped her hands on her robes as well, feeling incredibly put out. She didn’t understand why there was such a sudden shift in Bellatrix’s mood.

“Do I have to spell everything out for you, Narcissa?” Bellatrix snapped, making the blonde takes a step back instinctively. “You do have friends, don’t you?”

Narcissa blinked heavily. “I…” she started, feeling attacked. “No, I… I mean…” But Bellatrix was staring at her, waiting for her to continue and she was starting to feel really guilty for making her sister cross with her. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t know who else to come to… I was scared. Can’t you understand that?”

“Of course I can,” Bellatrix answered, like she was being stupid. “You think I didn’t act that same way you did when I got mine? But I didn’t have anyone, okay? So if I’m capable enough to grow up on my own, I think you should be too.”

“You’re angry that I asked you to help me put it in,” Narcissa said softly, finally realizing that doing that must have made her feel just as uncomfortable as it did for her.

“Got it now, have you?” Bellatrix sniped at her. Narcissa winced, looking down at her shoes. Her face was scrunched up in upset. “Took you long enough. That was screwed up, Cissy. I don’t want to touch you down there! You’re trying to make me out to be some kind of pervert or something!”

“I wasn’t trying to make you out to be anything; I just couldn’t do it myself!” Narcissa cried. “I’m sorry! I thought you cared enough to help me. I’m sorry I was wrong.” Bellatrix tried to say something, but Narcissa didn’t let her. “Just go away, Bella. If that’s what you think then maybe it’s you that has the problem. This isn’t my fault. I just asked, it’s you who accepted and made it into something it’s not.”

“I didn’t say it was, I’m saying it could easily be construed as such! And it’s not like I had much of a choice in helping you, did I? You were crying all over yourself, practically hysterical. You really expected me to walk away?”

“Maybe you should have!” Narcissa exclaimed, upset. “If you did then we wouldn’t be fighting right now over something I… I don’t even understand.”

“If I did then you’d still be crying and bleeding all over yourself since you’re apparently completely incapable,” Bellatrix snapped.

“I’m not incapable!”

“Says the girl who can’t even put in a tampon on her own,” Bellatrix scoffed.

“Leave me alone, Bella!” Narcissa cried. “Just leave me alone! GET OUT!”

“I don’t have to go anywhere,” Bellatrix told her, looking at her challengingly. Sometimes Narcissa wondered if she fought just for the sake of fighting. “If you want to be away from me so badly, you leave.”

“Fine,” Narcissa said. She started to storm past her, but she was so angry with her. She understood that Bellatrix had no one to turn to when she was going through all this, but did that mean she had to take it out on her? She’s not as strong as her. She’s been feeling so lost for so long and Bellatrix was the only person who ever made her feel like she had been found. And now she’s getting upset because she had to touch her private parts? What’s the big deal; they’re sisters, surely it’s obvious it meant nothing more than a friendly hand, right? Yes, it didn’t feel entirely unpleasant, it actually felt a little nice, but that didn’t mean it was sexual.

Not that Narcissa had anything to compare it to. For all she knew, it could have been. When it came to sex, she knew absolutely nothing.

Getting even angrier with herself for obviously knowing nothing, she irrationally took it out on Bellatrix, since she was the source of her original anger. So when she stormed past her, she didn’t do it without shoving her hard backwards.

She should have known better, Bellatrix was almost twice her size. But she was angry and didn’t think.

Narcissa screamed in surprise and fear as she was suddenly pushed backwards into a wall. She hit it hard and it knocked the wind out of her. She tried to cough, but the pressure of Bellatrix’s hand on her chest pinning her against the brick was making it difficult. It came out as more of a wheeze.

“Have you gone mental?!” Bellatrix shouted.

“Have you?” Narcissa retorted, coughing. “Get off of me!”

“What makes you think you can shove me away and get away with it, huh?” Bellatrix asked, looking at Narcissa in a way that made her stomach drop to the floor in fear. She didn’t like the look in her eyes at all. It actually did make her seem a bit mental.

What’s happening to her sister?

“What’s wrong with you?” Narcissa asked, frightened and angry. “You’ve been more horrible to me since I came to Hogwarts more than you ever have in your entire life! It’s that stupid girl, isn’t it? She’s making you completely insane! I’m your sister, you used to love me!”

“How can you say I don’t?!” Bellatrix exclaimed, and Narcissa finally saw a flicker of pain in her eyes. “I’m trying to protect you, you stupid git!”

“From what?”

“From me!” Bellatrix yelled, pushing off of her to take a couple steps back. Narcissa watched her run her fingers through her hair; her hands were shaking.

From her? What?

Narcissa fell silent, watching her sister look like she’s on the verge of a mental breakdown. She pursed her lips, feeling awful. She took a hesitant step forward, but Bellatrix took one back, folding her arms into herself and refusing to look at her. “Why would I need protecting from you?” Narcissa asked her softly.

Bellatrix looked over at her, her expression one of self-loathing. “Because I’m not right.”

“What do you mean?”

“In the head, Narcissa! I’m not bloody right in the head!” Bellatrix shouted, like it should have been obvious. Narcissa blinked, taken aback. How could she think that?

“Of course you’re right in the head,” Narcissa said. “I was just having a go; I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just angry.”

Bellatrix shook her head. “No, you don’t get it. No one fucking gets it.” She looked so much like a trapped animal, and yet she didn’t run. Narcissa took her chance and slowly made her way over to her. Bellatrix let her so when she found herself in front of her, she took her hand.

“You’re not crazy, Bella. Why would you think such a thing?”

“I don’t… I don’t think right anymore,” Bellatrix told her, voice breaking a little as she slumped to the ground into a ball. Narcissa followed suit, sitting next to her. Bellatrix stared at the floor as she went on, running her fingers through her hair in a way that made it seem like she was trying to get something out of her head, “I’m angry all the time. I want to hurt people for stupid little things like looking at me wrong. I hate… everyone that breathes. I want them to hurt; I want them to hurt me. I just want to feel pain, something, anything!” She gritted her teeth and her hand squeezed Narcissa’s to border on painful, but Narcissa didn’t make a sound. She just squeezed back.

“I feel that way too sometimes,” she admitted quietly.

Bellatrix laughed scornfully. “Not like I do.”

“I want to hurt Mum,” Narcissa told her. That made Bellatrix finally look at her. “I want to hurt her for every time she hurt me. Sometimes… sometimes I even dream of killing her.” She swallows and finishes guiltily, “and then I feel awful that the thought of it makes me smile.”

“Mum deserves to die,” Bellatrix said flatly.

“Maybe.”

Both girls fall silent. Both of them knew it had been awhile since they had been in there and they’re probably missing their first class. But it didn’t matter. Narcissa wouldn’t leave her sister for anything right now. She had never seen her have this much inner turmoil before. It must have been sitting and stewing beneath the surface for a long time.

“There’s something really wrong with my head, Narcissa,” Bellatrix said softly. “And maybe it’s Mum’s fault. Maybe I just want to hurt everyone because she hurt me, but it doesn’t make a difference. She already damaged me and she’s well on her way to damaging you.”

“Then we’ll be damaged together,” Narcissa told her, leaning into her a little. She put her head on her shoulder and Bellatrix put hers on top of her head.

“I don’t want you to be like me,” Bellatrix whispered. “You don’t know the sick things I think about. It’s like I want to do everything that’s wrong; sinful. I can’t stop myself. I don’t know how. It’s like I crave it or something.”

“Do they make you happy?” Narcissa asked, looking down at their linked hands.

“A little, yeah. They make me feel better.”

“Then do them,” Narcissa told her seriously. Bellatrix furrowed her eyebrows and looked down at her, forcing Narcissa to move her head a little so she could look her in the eyes.

“You have no idea the things you’re approving of,” Bellatrix told her.

“Yes I do,” Narcissa said. “The things you do with Gwendolyn. They’re wrong, they’re sinful. But I saw the way you enjoyed it.” She flushed a little, remembering. “If doing those things makes you happier, then do them.”

“She’s not the only thing I think about,” Bellatrix admitted.

“Then do those too,” Narcissa told her. She gave her a small smile. “Just don’t kill anyone, or hurt anyone too badly, okay? And only people who really deserve it. Not for just looking at you funny. I don’t want to have to visit you in Azkaban.” She cracked a smile at her, trying to make light of it, but she didn’t smile back.

Bellatrix sighed. “You still don’t understand what you’re allowing. You’re being foolish. You shouldn’t encourage this. Maybe you have gone a bit mental.”

“I just want you to be happy,” Narcissa told her, honestly. That one statement finally made Bellatrix give her a small smile, and then she pulled her closer, kissing her on the forehead.

Bellatrix was right though. Narcissa had absolutely no idea what she was encouraging at the time. But she was only a child; a child who saw that her sister was unhappy and wanted to help fix it. She thought it was the same as her anger towards people, but it wasn’t. It was so very far from it. Their mother had damaged them both, but in two very different ways.

She found out later in her life that Bellatrix’s mind really was starting to turn against her. Narcissa didn’t blame her of course, she was convinced it was a disease; something that couldn’t be helped. It was like the darkness inside her kept spreading like an infection. It seemed to make her brain pause permanently in childhood, all while giving her an insatiable appetite for sexual dominance and attention; two things that didn’t mix at all. And then there was her desire to inflict pain on everyone around her, and the way she seemed to be listening to someone talking to her when the room was silent as death.

Yes, it turned out there was something very wrong with Bellatrix. She fought against it as long as she could, at least while she knew the difference between right and wrong. But eventually even that slipped away from her, and she succumbed to the madness inside of herself, too weak to fight it any longer.

But that was a story for another day.

CHAPTER FOUR

The summer after Narcissa’s first year at Hogwarts was one of the worst ones of her life.

Actually, it was more the worst one in Bellatrix’s life than anything else, but Narcissa was there throughout the entire ordeal, having to be the one who picked up the pieces that were left of her sister. Narcissa was always the weak one, the one that Bellatrix loved and protected through anything. Then suddenly the tables turned. Suddenly it was Bellatrix who needed comfort, who needed support; who needed someone who loved her.

It wasn’t like the time in the bathroom where Bellatrix told her about the dark things that were hidden in the depths of her mind. No, this was probably one of the things that caused it to get worse, because Bellatrix certainly wasn’t the same ever again.

Rodolphus Lestrange had officially proposed. Bellatrix and he barely knew each other, but things like that didn’t matter much in pureblood families. They married for power, not out of love. So when Rodolphus’ father extended the proposal to their father, he of course accepted readily. A marriage between the Black’s and the Lestrange’s would be a positive step towards the future of pureblood families. They didn’t even consult Bellatrix before the deal was made; only told her of the plans after they were already sorted. She was to be married after she graduated.

There wasn’t even a word for what Bellatrix was feeling; even ‘furious’ didn’t seem to cover it. She seethed with hatred and anger and she refused to marry him. Refusal never went over well in their family; all of them were expected to do what was told of them. And refusal of marriage? That was about as worse as it could get.

But Bellatrix wouldn’t back down. Even as mother continued to abuse Bellatrix in the most horrific ways, trying to make her learn obedience, she wouldn’t give in. Narcissa could hear her sister’s screams of pain echo through the house and it ripped her soul in half. She cried for a long time, huddled in a ball with Andromeda and praying that it’d stop. But it didn’t. It seemed to go on forever. Finally, hysterical and scared to death that Bellatrix was going to die, she got to her feet.

“Narcissa, no!” Andromeda yelled, knowing what she was about to do. But she didn’t listen. She ran into the parlor.

The back of Bellatrix’s dress seemed to be covered in blood. The spell her mother used could wound the skin even underneath clothes. She preferred it that way; she never wanted to see what she did while she was doing it. The only time she would ever see it is when she healed them, just so she could do it all over again and not leave scars.

The blood seemed to be everywhere, it was like walking into a horror film. Bellatrix was lying on the floor, choking as she cried. She looked like she couldn’t even get up.

“Stop it!” she screamed at her mother. “STOP! STOP HURTING HER!” And without a second of thinking about it, she did what came naturally: she ran over to her and threw herself over Bellatrix; shielding her from her mother’s view. If she couldn’t see the area she was aiming for, she wouldn’t be able to hurt her. The spell allowed her to go under clothes, but eye contact was still needed, as it was with most spells.

Bellatrix was trembling, muttering something under her breath. Narcissa felt her heart break in half as she held her, shaking herself. Her sobs were wracking her entire body and she was more scared than she ever had been in her entire life, but she wouldn’t move. She’s not going to listen to Bellatrix being in anymore pain.

“Narcissa, get out of my way, this doesn’t concern you!” Druella roared.

“Go fuck yourself!” Narcissa screamed, looking at her like she was the reason evil existed in this world. Druella looked at her, horrified and astounded that she would ever dare to say such a thing to her. If Narcissa cared, she probably would be stunned that she said it herself. Even Bellatrix didn’t shout things like that at her.

And then she felt it.

She screamed as a white hot pain sliced down her back. But she grasped for Bellatrix’s hand, holding on tight. “I’m not gonna move,” she whispered to her, pain shrouding her voice. “I’m not gonna move, I promise, Bella. She’s not gonna hurt you. I’m not gonna move.” Then she screamed again, another blinding pain feeling like it was tearing apart her spine. She whimpered and huddled her head into Bellatrix’s neck, who sounded like she was barely breathing.

“You stupid girl!” Druella shouted. “Your silly little act of heroism isn’t going to do any good. Bellatrix is going to marry Rodolphus and she will be compliant about it! In this family you will do as you’re told!”

But Narcissa was barely listening. Bellatrix had closed her eyes and she sounded like she was wheezing. “No, no, no, wake up,” Narcissa begged, slapping her a couple times on the cheek. “Bellatrix, WAKE UP!” But Bellatrix wasn’t moving. “MUM!” she screamed, looking over at her, terrified that her sister was going to die. There was so much blood. “DO SOMETHING!”

Druella swore when she saw the state of her oldest daughter. “Move!” she demanded to Narcissa as she picked her up by her hair and tossed her aside. She knelt down, ripping the back of Bellatrix’s dress to survey the damage. What Narcissa saw made her sick.

It looked like there was barely any skin left on Bellatrix’s back. It was the most horrific thing she had ever seen in her life, and as Bellatrix struggled to cough, she saw a little bit of blood come out of her mouth. “MUM!” she screamed, scared to death. “She’s going to die!”

“SHUT UP! She’s not going to die!” Druella yelled, looking terrified herself at what she’d done. She pointed her wand at Bellatrix’s skin and said, “Vulnera Sanentur.” Her hand was shaking.

The wounds instantly began to heal, but it was taking such a long time. Narcissa watched, her heart in her throat as she waited for Bellatrix to move. Finally Bellatrix started to frantically cough, her eyes popping open as she grasped at the carpet. Narcissa finally let out a breath.

“Do you see what you made me do?!” Druella yelled, like it was Bellatrix’s fault she was close to being murdered by her own mother and her desire to control absolutely everything with violence. She looked at Bellatrix like she was less than dirt as she said, “Tergeo.” All the blood started to clean up from the scene, disappearing into nothing like the horror never even existed. Then she turned to Narcissa.

“Come here,” she demanded. But Narcissa didn’t move; she was frozen in fear over what her mother was going to do to her. “I said come here!” Druella yelled, coming over and grabbing Narcissa forcefully by the arm, forcing her to stand on her feet. She held her in place as she unzipped her dress, performing the same healing spell on her. Then she spun her around and slapped her right in the face.

“Don’t you ever do that again.”

Narcissa’s eyes glistened with fresh tears, but she didn’t say anything. When her mother let her go she ran to Bellatrix, falling to the floor and taking her in her arms. “Are you okay?” she asked, scared. “Bella, say something,” she pleaded. “Please say something.” But Bellatrix lifted herself to a sitting position, saying nothing.

She didn’t say anything for a whole month. It was like she was rendered mute; the shock from almost dying affected her speech. Or maybe she just didn’t find anything worth saying anymore.

Druella was furious when Bellatrix would no longer speak, but she didn’t physically abuse her anymore. Narcissa thought that one of them almost dying had scared her too much to trust herself to ever do it again and know when to stop. But that didn’t mean she didn’t punish them in other ways. Bellatrix, still not agreeing to marriage since she wasn’t even speaking anymore, was locked in her room. Her meals were sent to her through an owl that flew into her open bedroom window. She was three stories up though, so means of escaping without magic was next to impossible, and Bellatrix wouldn’t risk doing magic outside of school and be kicked from Hogwarts. School was the only place they could ever truly get away.

Bellatrix was the only one of them with her own bathroom, which Narcissa wasn’t sure was lucky or worse. Worse because she wasn’t let out at all, but lucky because there was no guarantee they would even if she didn’t have one of her own.

She was a prisoner in her own house.

At first Narcissa would sit outside of Bellatrix’s door, trying to talk to her through it. She’d place her hand flat against the wood, hoping that somehow Bellatrix could feel it and know she was there. But Bellatrix never replied back to her, and finally her mother found out what she was doing and threw her against a wall, threatening that if she ever caught her outside of Bellatrix’s door again she’d reprise her old punishment.

So at night when everyone was asleep she took to using the family owl to send Bellatrix letters. She never got any in return, but it didn’t matter. She wanted her to know that she didn’t forget about her. That even if she won’t speak to her that she still loves her. That she’s sorry that she can’t make time fast forward until when they went back to school. That everything would be okay.

Narcissa cried a lot. Andromeda tried to comfort her, but it didn’t help. Andromeda couldn’t fix it. Besides, she was still so angry with her that she didn’t help Bellatrix. She just stood aside and listened to the screams. Being scared wasn’t an excuse, because they were all each other had. No one else was going to protect them.

“Maybe Bellatrix should just run away,” she suggested one day.

Narcissa looked at her sister like that was the most foolish option she could have suggested. “If she ran then she’d be kicked out of school, you know that. Mother would see to it.”

Andromeda just shrugged, looking just as tired and worn out as Narcissa did. “Sometimes I think we all should. Anywhere is better than here.”

“It’s only three more weeks until school starts,” Narcissa said, leaning against Andromeda. The brunette put her arm around her, holding her close. “We’d all be useless out there without more schooling, you know that.”

“I just don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.”

“Me either. But it’s got to be.”

The next week, Narcissa found that she couldn’t stand not knowing how Bellatrix was holding up. She started frantically searching her school books, trying to find a spell that would help. She figured as long as her mother didn’t find out then there was no harm. She learned at school that the Ministry couldn’t pinpoint who did a spell in the house, so they left it up to the parents to enforce the rule of no underage magic. Finally she found what she was looking for.

It was late that night that she snuck to Bellatrix’s room. Her heart was pounding in her throat, knowing that if she was to be caught then she’d likely end up having the same fate as Bellatrix. But the risks were only that; risks. They weren’t what was really important.

She held out her wand, hoping that this would work, and point it at the lock on Bellatrix’s door. “Alohomora,” she whispered. The lock clicked open.

Narcissa wet her dry lips and grasped the door handle and pulled it open as quiet as she could. When she stepped into the room she saw Bellatrix sitting straight up in her bed, eyes wide that the door actually opened. But then they got even wider when she saw who was coming in. She looked like she thought she was hallucinating.

Narcissa put a finger to her lips before closing the door behind her softly. Then she was still; listening to see if anyone had woken up. The house was silent.

When she turned back to Bellatrix, she had already thrown the covers off of her and starting to get out of bed, needing to know if what was going on was real. Narcissa ran to her, practically jumping on top of her, toppling them both backwards onto the bed a little as she embraced her in the tightest of hugs. It had been a whole month since she had seen her. Bellatrix held onto her like she never wanted to let go, but yet she stared off behind her with hollow eyes. She could still barely believe it.

When Narcissa pulled back, she looked at her sister. She looked so empty. Even when she was looking at her, it seemed like she was more looking through her. It scared Narcissa. “Hey,” she said softly, trying to give her a soft smile. “How are you feeling?” She took her hands in hers, holding them tightly.

Bellatrix looked at her for a long time before answering. When she did her voice was hoarse from not having been used in quite awhile, and she barely made any expression as she told her, “I feel… empty.” Her eyes shifted away to stare at the wall and Narcissa noticed she was rocking ever so slightly back and forth.

“You’re not empty,” Narcissa told her softly. “You’re just numb.”

Bellatrix didn’t answer. She also refused to look to her. She just continued to ever so slightly move back and forth. Narcissa didn’t know if Bellatrix even knew she was doing it. “Hey,” she prodded again, trying to get her to look at her. “I’m here. I’m real, Bella. See?” she lifted her hands to her mouth and kissed each of them in turn. It finally made Bellatrix look at her and she smiled. “See? I’m here, okay? You’re not alone. You’re okay.”

But Bellatrix still didn’t seem to be looking at her. Worry was starting to cross over Narcissa’s face. What had happened to her sister?

It seemed like it was forever until Bellatrix spoke. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” Narcissa breathed. “I couldn’t stand you being alone in here any longer. You’d grow mad. You are growing mad.” Bellatrix didn’t even react to that. “Bella, Mum didn’t break you,” Narcissa told her firmly. She squeezed her hands tightly. “She didn’t. You’re stronger than that. All you need is a little love, okay? I’ll just… I’ll love you and everything will be better, okay?” she knew she sounded silly and desperate, maybe even stupid; thinking that love could cure everything. But if not anything else, she knew it would help. Everyone needs to be loved. Everyone needs human contact. Bellatrix had been without it for a long time. She almost died and then was locked away like she was something to be forgotten about.

No wonder she was like this.

“Love is a sodding joke,” Bellatrix told her, eyes still vacant and voice so hollow and detached. Narcissa furrowed her eyebrows in determination. She wasn’t going to let Bellatrix turn into an empty shell.

“No, it’s not,” she told her firmly. She leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “I love you.” Then on her forehead. “I love you,” she repeated. Her other cheek. Another, “I love you.” She needed her to understand. She pulled back; face only inches from hers so she can look her in the eyes. “I’m here and I love you. I didn’t forget about you. I love you, Bella.”

Bellatrix stared at her for what seemed like ages. Her face was still vacant of any expression, so Narcissa tried again. She went to lean in to kiss her on the cheek once more, only to be shocked when Bellatrix finally turned and captured her lips with hers. It wasn’t anything more than a quick press of the lips, but it was no sisterly kiss either. When Narcissa finally found the urge to pull away slowly, her heart was beating wildly in her chest. She stared at her like she didn’t know what to do.

Her first real kiss… and it was with her sister.

Finally Bellatrix’s eyes dropped to the space between them and she moved. It was only a little, but it was a shift of uncomfortableness. “I’m sorry,” she apologized softly. She let go of Narcissa’s hands and instead brought her own together, her thumb nail clawing at her palm.

“I… um,” Narcissa stuttered, not knowing what to do. She knew Bellatrix was not well right now, so she shouldn’t blame her. “It’s okay,” she told her, before taking one of Bellatrix’s hands in hers again and forcing it away so she couldn’t claw at herself. “Just please don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Bellatrix’s bottom lip seemed to be trembling and she wouldn’t look at her. She didn’t cry though, she just continued to stare between them like she was wishing she could reverse time. “It’s okay,” Narcissa told her again. “I promise, it’s okay. I’m not angry.”

But Bellatrix was becoming completely non-responsive again. Scared that she was only going to get worse from guilt, she did the first thing she could think of: she tipped Bellatrix’s head up with her chin, leaning in and kissing her herself. She figured that if she also did it, Bellatrix would have less to feel guilty about.

She just wanted her to get better.

This kiss was different than the first. Bellatrix closed her eyes and parted her lips, allowing Narcissa to do the same. She had never kissed anyone before, so she just followed Bellatrix’s lead. She was terrified; her heart was pounding in her throat and she couldn’t get her breathing under control. She knew how very wrong this was, but when Bellatrix’s tongue slipped against hers she found that for one second it didn’t matter, because it felt so very good.

They parted soon after that, but Bellatrix still wouldn’t open her eyes, probably afraid of Narcissa’s expression. But Narcissa just touched her cheek and told her in a whisper, voice trembling from being suddenly very nervous. “See? It’s… it’s okay. I liked it.”

The truly terrifying thing was that she really did. For feeling so wrong, it felt so natural at the same time.

Bellatrix finally opened her eyes to look at her. She looked like she didn’t know what to expect from Narcissa anymore. She also looked so very confused… and very, very broken. “You liked kissing me?” she asked, voice barely above a whisper. Her tone was one of disbelief and suspicion.

Narcissa nodded. “Did you like kissing me?” she asked softly, worried about the answer. They were in dangerous territory right now and neither of them seemed to know how to handle it.

Bellatrix stared at her for a long time until she finally nodded slowly. But then she seemed to snap out of it because she wrenched away from her, leaving Narcissa there to stare at her in shock as she backed away from her to the other side of the bed. She started shaking her head wildly, “No, no. No, I’m not going to do that to you. I won’t.”

Narcissa didn’t know what to say or what to do. This was charting new waters for her and she didn’t know what the right thing to say was. She just wanted her sister to get better. She wanted her to smile again. “You’re not doing anything to me,” she promised her.

But Bellatrix kept shaking her head. “I’m fucking you up. I’m about to fuck you up. You’ll be just as bad as me. You can’t be like me. I won’t let you. I won’t let you be sick.”

“I can decide for myself what I want to be,” Narcissa told her. She looked at her sister, knowing in her gut that she only made things worse. She started crawling over to her on the bed, feeling like she should beg for forgiveness. Bellatrix wouldn’t look at her at all.

The tell-tale lump of sorrow started to build in the back of her throat and she tried to reach out for Bellatrix, but she moved away. A sob escaped her lips then and she covered her mouth with her hand quickly to try to muffle the sound so no one would hear. The sound did make Bellatrix finally look at her though. “I’m sorry,” Narcissa choked through her tears. “I didn’t mean to make it worse. I thought I was making it better. I’m so sorry.”

"You're not even twelve yet," Bellatrix told her, as if that was the answer to some grand question Narcissa didn't understand. "You're sodding eleven and I'm disgusting."

“No, Bella, no,” Narcissa cried softly, wiping the tears away that had fallen. “It was me; it was my fault. I kissed you. I’m the disgusting one.”

“You don’t know any better,” Bellatrix told her, her own voice sounding tight; like she was trying not to cry.

“Of course I know better!” Narcissa sniffed. “I know kissing you is wrong, but I wanted to. I just wanted to make you feel better…”

“It’s not your job to,” Bellatrix told her, looking away from her and looking furious with herself for ever allowing something like that to happen between them.

“It is my job,” Narcissa told her, looking at her sadly. Her tears had died down, but her stomach still felt like she swallowed bricks. “It’s my job because I love you. I don’t want you to be unhappy. You’re my sister.”

“Yeah, I’m your sister,” Bellatrix spat, looking at her furiously. “I’m your sister and I kissed you like I wasn’t.”

“So?” Narcissa asked, feeling desperate to keep Bellatrix away from the edge of insanity. “So what? So what if we kissed like that? What’s so bad about it, really? It’s only kissing. Loads of people kiss each other, why can’t we?”

She tried to convince herself she was just trying to make Bellatrix feel better about it, but the truth was… she liked kissing Bellatrix. It terrified her, but she liked it. She wanted it. It was nice and it made her feel… like Bellatrix truly cared about her. More than anyone else and finally more than Gwendolyn.

“Sometimes I really do forget how stupid you are,” Bellatrix tells her, but it sounds more hateful towards herself than Narcissa. “Then you open your mouth and I remember.”

“You’re just scared because kissing me made you feel good,” Narcissa told her, voice shaking. She hoped she wasn’t wrong. “You’re scared because it felt good and you want to do it again but you think I don’t.”

“You’re playing with fire, Narcissa,” Bellatrix warned softly.

“It’s not a big deal, Bellatrix,” Narcissa told her, trying to convince her but she knew it was coming out sounding more like pleading. “No one will know. But if it makes you feel good then I want to do it. I want you to stop being sad.” She realized she was sounding close to begging now so she switched it quickly to, “If you don’t that’s fine too, but please don’t hate yourself over it. I wanted to do it. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

Bellatrix looked at her for a long while and Narcissa pleaded with her with her eyes for her to stop blaming herself. This was just as much her fault as it was Bellatrix’s, if not more. She’d never really given kissing Bellatrix much thought before now, but she had thought of her touching her again after that incident in the bathroom. She always felt dirty when she had those kinds of thoughts; embarrassed. And she chided herself in her head to not think about things like that. But it was merely innocent touching that she dreamed about; she had convinced herself it was mere curiosity and wasn’t actually anything sexual. She was far too young to think about things like that, right? She had barely even thought about kissing another person at that time, so it seemed to be skipping a few steps.

But now kissing someone is all Narcissa could think about. It took over her young mind, wanting to build off of her first experience. She knew it should be with someone other than Bellatrix and yet... that’s the only person she ever felt safe with.

Finally Bellatrix spoke. “I’m just… tired,” she told her, her voice sounding very drained. Narcissa swallowed, then nodded slowly.

“Do you… want me to leave?” she asked softly. She prayed Bellatrix would say no.

Bellatrix took a breath, looking her over. Then she pursed her lips and looked down at the bed, then back up at her. She let out the breath she’d been holding and said, “I think that’d be best.”

Narcissa looked down, lip trembling. But she gathered herself up quickly and got off of Bellatrix’s bed. What was meant as a visit to help ended up hurting everything so much worse. She looked over her shoulder at Bellatrix one last time before she opened the door, so much guilt in her eyes. “I’m really sorry,” she whispered.

Bellatrix looked down at her blanket and replied, “Just go, Narcissa.”

GO TO PART THREE...