Fanfiction || Amphierotic Bloodlines || Bellatrix/Narcissa || Part Thirteen

[cuzimastripper]

Title: Amphierotic Bloodlines
Author: Sapphire Smoke cuzimastripper
Beta(s): supershineygirl (chapter two), dolfynrider (chapter three & onwards)
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17
Length Thus Far: 107,522 words
Main Pairing: Bellatrix/Narcissa
Sub Pairings: Narcissa/Lucius, Narcissa/OC, Bellatrix/OC, Bellatrix/Rodolphus
Summary: Growing up in the 1960s in a family that expected nothing less than perfection, anything less than such was deemed unfit for a young woman of their status and was punished severely. A house that was classified as 'noble' had dark secrets hidden within those walls, a fear that only the people within experienced. The confusion young girls have growing up was more than intensified in there: it bordered on practically unbearable. This is a story about growing up, about surviving abuse, and about finding salvation and love from anyone you can, even if it’s from the last person on earth you know you should ever hold a deep affection for.
Warning(s): Lesbian incest, graphic child abuse, dubcon, sex between minors, anorexia nervosa, character death (minor), first chapter is un-beta’d
A/N: For NaNoWriMo 2010. This story is entirely from Narcissa’s POV (though not in first person) and will only include up to her graduation from Hogwarts. I may do a sequel later to cover her adult years, but for now I think this is more than enough.
Other Parts: PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR | PART FIVE | PART SIX | PART SEVEN | PART EIGHT | PART NINE | PART TEN | PART ELEVEN | PART TWELVE

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

The second Narcissa got home she was practically pounced on by her mother. After assuring her she would be getting a second date (at least three times, since her mother didn’t seem to believe her the first two times) and feigning tiredness, she retreated to her bedroom. It was exhausting, honestly; taking care of Bellatrix. And while she was thankful her sister didn’t do something incredibly stupid or hurtful this time, she also had the bitter reminder that it wasn’t over yet. That honestly, this would never be over. If anything, it would become more frequent until it consumed Bellatrix whole.

When she opened her bedroom door, Bellatrix was lying on her bed, tearing the heads off of Narcissa’s dolls. “Bella!” she hissed as she closed the door, locking it behind her. “What are you doing? Those are mine!”

Bellatrix cackled softly, tossing one of the dolls heads to her without even sparing her a glance. Narcissa struggled to catch it as it almost slipped from her grasp. Poor Ms. Patterson; she used to be so beautiful. Now look at her. Narcissa was too old for dolls but that didn’t mean that they no longer held sentimental value to her. She glared at her sister as she smoothed out Ms. Patterson’s hair, as if trying to make up for the physical trauma Bellatrix put her through. Then she took out her wand and cast the muffliato spell on the room so their parents wouldn’t realize her sister was here a day early.

“So, did you do it?” Bellatrix asked, finally looking over at her sister. Off of Narcissa’s confused look she reiterated, “Did you get down on your knees and blow him? I know you wanted to. Did you suck his cock nice and proper? Hmm? I bet he came in your mouth and you guzzled it up like a greedy whore.” She popped off another one of the doll’s heads, throwing it across the room. It hit the wall and landed on the floor with a plunk.

Bellatrix was oddly calm for being in this state, and it worried Narcissa a little. She wasn’t screaming at her, nor raising her voice. It was so monotone. Not lifeless by any means, just lacking the enthusiasm she usually had behind her words when she was in this state. “Like I said when I was twelve: I’m not a harlot,” Narcissa replied flatly. She strode over to her, wrenching the doll from Bellatrix’s grasp. “Now I’d appreciate it if you stopped mutilating my things like a demented toddler.”

Bellatrix didn’t respond to that with her words, instead she pointed her wand at one of the heads of Narcissa’s dolls that was lying carelessly on the floor and muttered, “Incendio.” It burst into flame.

“Are you insane?!” Narcissa shouted. It was probably a redundant question. She struggled to pull out her wand and point it at the ball of flame on her floor. “Aguamenti!” The jet of water doused the fire, leaving it a steamy mess. She turned to Bellatrix, anger written on her face. “What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?!”

“I’m bored,” was the only response.

“Well that doesn’t give you an excuse to light my stuff on fire!” Narcissa shouted. Bellatrix didn’t react at all to her shouting; she just stared at her. Narcissa snapped her fingers in front of her face. She didn’t react in the slightest.

“Tell me what’s going on, seriously. You’re acting weird. More than normal, anyway,” Narcissa said, looking her over. “Are you sick?” she asked, concerned, placing her hand on Bellatrix’s forehead. She felt normal.

“I’m always sick, love,” Bellatrix told her with a wicked grin. “Sick in the head, making you sick to your stomach. ‘Oh boo-hoo, my sister’s a murderer!’ Get some sodding perspective, you useless twat.” Narcissa didn’t look amused.

“I’m serious, Bella. If your disease is progressing into something different I need to know. This isn’t how you usually act when you go insane. And I know you’re not normal, that’s painfully obvious.”

Bellatrix gave an overdramatic scoff and an eye roll. “My god, do I have to spell everything out for you? She’s sad, you bleedin’ pillock. How thick are you, honestly? You’d think you’d understand the emotions of the woman you claim to be in love with. It’s completely aggravating; she’s being such a downer.” An angry look crossed over her face and she slammed her hands down onto the comforter in a fit. “I wanted to have fun,” she pointed to herself in a fit, “it was my turn to have some ruddy fun, and she’ll barely let me move. It isn’t fair, you know! This is my turn out of the box, not hers!” She was whining. It wasn’t very attractive on a woman her age, that was for sure. “Tell her to stop, Cissy! The mad plonker usually listens to you, though I still fail to see why.”

“You’re sad?” Narcissa asked quietly, eyes softening as she looked over her sister. This was new; crazy-Bellatrix was now feeling proper moods. Granted she wasn’t dealing with them like a normal person, but she was still feeling. Narcissa didn’t know if that was an improvement or if it meant that the two sides of her were beginning to merge into one person, which would ultimately be worse.

“She’s sad, that weak arse bint. God, how she pines over you is completely disgusting. All this love and emotion… it’s enough to make anyone irreparably nauseous.” Bellatrix feigned gagging. Narcissa rolled her eyes at her childish display. “I don’t even know why she bothering being upset over that sodding tosser; we’re clearly superior. Plus, it’s our genitals that have you tongue-tied.” She smirked.

“Charming,” Narcissa said dryly. “And you’re the one who gave him permission to date me, if you’ve forgotten.”

“We didn’t think you’d like it!” Bellatrix shouted, angry. “You love us, not him! You’re ours. He was merely a formality, not to be taken seriously. Like Rodolphus, the grotty minger. Lucius was only supposed to ask for your hand in marriage and nothing else. He was supposed to keep his hands and especially his dirty little cockpiece to himself.” She paused, then grinned. “I’ve always wanted to castrate someone.”

“Don’t you dare,” Narcissa said firmly. She sighed, “Bella, I didn’t mean to hurt you. You have to believe me. But I told you long ago that I wanted to fall in love with a man and marry him. That doesn’t mean I’ll love you any less.”

Bellatrix ignored her sentiment. “I’m going to tear his bollocks from his body, put them through a juicer and then feed it back to him through a straw.” She laughed at her own ‘brilliant’ idea. “I may sever his cock from his body and shove it up his arse just to make sure they don’t find their way out of him again. I think she’d like that.”

“Lovely,” Narcissa said dryly. “You should write poetry.”

Bellatrix smirked, proud of herself.

Narcissa looked at her understandingly. “Bella, it’s okay to be upset. You do know that right?”

Bellatrix scoffed. “Ha! Upset, sadness, depression; weak emotions for weak pieces of nothing like you and her! This is complete rubbish, is what it is! I want to tear something apart, torture a small animal just for the shits and giggles of it and I can’t even move cause this useless lump is so depressed she doesn’t even know what to do with herself!” She slammed her hands down on the bed in another fit of rage.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Narcissa told her softly, wiping the hair from her sister’s brow. Bellatrix pulled away from her, a grumpy look on her face.

“You hurt her, not me. I couldn’t care less, actually. Shove his dick up your arse for all I give a sod. I’m sure you’d still cry out my name like the little bitch you are. ‘Oh, Bella!’” she mocked, dry humping the air. “’Yes! I love it when you violate my cunt like the little incestuous pervert that you are!’”

Narcissa suppressed the urge to roll her eyes and sighed.

“I did hurt you,” Narcissa said patiently. She was getting far too used to crazy-Bellatrix’s insults. She knew it was only to distance herself from her; Bellatrix was scared that she was having real emotions while in this state and was responding to it by lashing out at her. “You’re the same person underneath.”

“Piss off.”

“Bella…”

“I don’t care about you, Narcissa! I don’t; you’re a means to an end! A quick fuck that means absolute shit in the grand scheme of everything. You’re nothing but an anorexic slut that’s hindering my ability to function! This is your fault, Cissy! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!” She lunged at her then, fury in her eyes as she knocked Narcissa back on the bed, getting on top of her and holding her down painfully hard; fingernails digging into her arms.

“Bella, stop!” Narcissa shouted, trying to get her off of her.

“You filthy whore!” Bellatrix shouted, spittle flying in Narcissa’s face from the force of her words. “We loved you first! Us! And this is how you repay us?! By spreading your legs for the first willing prick that crosses your path! You are nothing! NOTHING!” Her curls tumbled down around her face, framing her enraged features.

“GET OFF OF ME!” Narcissa choked. Bellatrix wasn’t hitting her or anything, but all her weight seemed to be on her chest and she was crushing her lungs. “Hurts…” she gasped.

“YOU BROKE MY HEART!” Bellatrix screamed, the first time she took personal ownership of the emotions. “I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE A HEART AND YOU DESTROYED IT!” But she noticed Narcissa’s distress and got off of her immediately, climbing off the bed before proceeding to smash nearly everything in the room in a fit of rage.

As Narcissa tried to regulate her breathing, she watched with a heavy heart as her sister destroyed her room. After what seemed like forever Bellatrix finally exhausted herself, falling down on the floor and curling herself into a ball. She was shaking.

Narcissa felt her bottom lip tremble as she carefully picked herself up off the bed, walking over to her sister. She didn’t say anything; she just lay next to her on the floor, making soft hushing sounds.

It was getting worse, Narcissa was sure of that now. This wasn’t an improvement. Bellatrix hardly had a handle on her emotions when she was normal, but for this child-like part of her to feel something so adult seemed to make her snap. She couldn’t handle it. Her brain just wasn’t equipped in this state to deal with such things. She didn’t even have it in her to understand such things. She felt without reason.

“Bella?” she asked softly after a long stretch of silence. “Bella… I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but I’m going to have to be married one day. Maybe it’ll be Lucius, but it may not be. I don’t know, okay? But you need to accept that. I wasn’t happy when you were getting married either, but we still see each other, don’t we? It doesn’t stop us.”

Bellatrix shook her head, burying it into the area rug. “You can’t get married,” she mumbled. “You’re mine.”

Narcissa smiled a little, happy that she was now using personal pronouns. “I am yours,” she whispered, brushing her hair back from her face. “Always. I could never love someone as much as I love you.”

“Why?” Bellatrix whispered in a tiny voice, looking up at her. For such a magnificently frightful being, she looked so small just then. It was hard to believe this was the woman who was hurting someone hours previously; she looked nothing more than a scared child as she lay in front of her.

“Why what, sweetie?” Narcissa asked patiently. Well, if this were a testament to anything, it’d be that she’d make a pretty decent mother when the time came. She never had much patience before until she had to deal with Bellatrix’s disease.

“Why can’t we just go away together?” Bellatrix asked her, sounding so upset. Her eyes, which conveyed so much madness in them moments previously, now looked wide and innocent. Narcissa looked at her sadly and ran her fingers down her cheek.

“Because it’d ruin our lives, you know that. You’re the one who told me that.”

Bellatrix brought her hand up to head, pressing her palm against her temple. “I hear myself in there sometimes. Like I’m out here. I don’t like it.”

“What do you say?” Narcissa asked softly, looking her in the eyes. She didn’t know Bellatrix was hearing voices in her head; that explained a lot. More than a lot, actually.

“I can’t do this. I can’t do that. I can’t say that to you. I need to stop. I need to focus my anger on them, not at you. It’s not allowed. I’m so loud; always talking. Never shutting up. Always on and on and on…” she shook her head, like she’s trying to shake the voices from her head. “Bad Bella. Bella’s being naughty. Bad girl. Never shutting up. Shutting, shutting… shhh….”

Narcissa wasn’t sure what that meant. Clearly she was hearing the normal part of her like it was outside of her head, which seemed more split personality than she realized, but it still wasn’t that at all. Narcissa had no idea what her sister really had. Maybe it was something new.

“Do you hear yourself when you’re… not like this?” Narcissa asked carefully. Bellatrix shook her head, digging her forehead into the carpet and closing her eyes like it was painful to think.

“Okay,” Narcissa said softly. “Do you want me to make them go away then?” she asked, stroking Bellatrix’s forehead gently. Bellatrix nodded, a look of discomfort on her face.

“It’s not fun when it hurts. It was fun until now.”

“I know,” Narcissa replied gently, picking herself up off the ground. She helped her sister to her feet and led her over to the bed. “Lie down,” she prodded. “Just lie down and try not to think. I’ll make you better, I promise.”

The sex wasn’t rough, like it usually was when Bellatrix was in this state. There was no dominant and no submissive; Narcissa was merely gentle with her because she was afraid she’d break her further. After Narcissa went down on her and Bellatrix came, Narcissa crawled up the bed to lie next to her, looking her sister in the eyes.

“Is that better?” she whispered. Bellatrix nodded and reached for her hand, lacing their fingers together.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized softly. “I just couldn’t stand seeing you two there; his arms around you. It felt like a betrayal.”

Narcissa gave her a sad smile as she reached up, lightly running her hand through her sister’s hair. “He’s a good man, Bella. I know you hate it, but he treats me good. Surely you’d rather me have someone who treats me nicely than someone who’s horrid to me.” She shrugged, turning away from her to roll on her back and look at the ceiling. “Besides, you’re jumping too far ahead. We had one date; that’s it. I’d like to see him again, but I don’t know if he’ll be the man I spend the rest of my life with.”

“He will be,” Bellatrix stated. She sounded so sure of herself that it made Narcissa turn her head to look at her.

“How can you know?”

“Because pureblooded men don’t ever make the effort to court someone, Cissy,” Bellatrix told her, like she was being thick. “They know that whomever they choose to be their wife will usually end up being so because the decision is between the parents, not the children. He has money, he has good looks; any parent would want him to be their son-in-law. And yet he’s making the extra effort to make sure you’re happy with him; he’s trying far too hard. One day you’ll realize that and appreciate it, so when he does finally propose, you’ll be more than happy with it… with him.” She shrugged lifelessly. “At least he’s trying to make an effort for you two to have a happy marriage, rather than a bitter one like most pureblooded couples.”

“So you approve of his chivalry and know it’s good for me, yet you can’t get over your jealousy,” Narcissa answered for her quietly, reading between the lines.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes defiantly. “I’m not jealous.” Narcissa snorted at that outright lie and Bellatrix glared at her, shoving her back a little. “Shut up, Cissy.”

“It’s okay to be jealous, you know,” Narcissa told her. “I mean, how did you think I felt when I found out you slept with Rabastan? With those… those hookers? I was jealous too. Am still jealous, honestly. But I know I can’t control it; you need release to get out of this state and violence is no longer helping.”

“It does help,” Bellatrix admitted quietly. “Sometimes. Just… not all the time anymore. I was fine, you know, after what happened in Diagon Alley. I got my rage out. But then I saw you with Lucius and it just all resurfaced and I… snapped again.”

“What were you doing down there?” Narcissa asked, her voice strained as she asked a question she knew she wouldn’t get an answer to.

“You know I can’t tell you that. Besides, you asked me to not mention work when we’re together.”

“It’s different when I see it, Bella! Or hear it; I mean… that screaming. It was horrible. I don’t understand how you can hurt innocent people.”

“Innocent people?” Bellatrix asked with a scoff. “There’s no such animal.”

Narcissa scoffed, offended. “You don’t think of me as an innocent?”

Bellatrix outright laughed at that, like it was the funniest thing in the world. “Your innocence is long lost, love. You forget I know all your secrets. I am most of your secrets.”

“Fine, I may not be completely innocent in that sense, but that doesn’t mean that I deserve to be tortured or killed for it, does it? There are different degrees of sin, Bella. My sin doesn’t hurt anyone.”

“It hurt Andromeda,” Bellatrix told her pointedly.

“You hurt Andromeda,” Narcissa corrected, glaring at her. She wasn’t the one who cast the torture curse on her. But she sighed, realizing that at least now she held a part in hurting her. “But I suppose I did too yesterday; we got into it. Pretty badly actually. Mum caught us and threw a cow.”

That got Bellatrix attention. “Mum hurt you again?” Her eyes blackened in anger.

“She hurt both of us,” Narcissa corrected softly.

“Sod Andy; I couldn’t care less about her. But if Mum-”

“She’s our sister, Bella! How you can you not care when she cries out in pain? She goes through the same thing you did, that I still am. How can you have no compassion for that?” Narcissa exclaimed.

“She’s no sister of mine,” Bellatrix told her firmly. “And she’s not yours either. Believe me when I tell you Cissy that it’s only a matter of time until she truly proves that to you. Best forget about her now.”

“I can’t do that,” Narcissa said, shaking her head. “It’s our fault she hates us; it’s your fault she’s terrified of us. You didn’t have to do what you did.”

“She would have told, and you know it. I was protecting us! I don’t want to have keep going over this, Cissy. What’s done is done, just leave it,” Bellatrix stated, rolling over to turn her back to her, signifying the end of the conversation.

Narcissa shook her head in anger and disbelief. She was finding it hard to let it go. Andromeda was their sister. She pushed Bellatrix’s back a little roughly, trying to convey her aggravation. “You’re horrible,” she told her, with a tone that conveyed that Bellatrix’s nonchalance on the matter made her feel ill.

“Well if I’m so horrible, why do you love me?” Bellatrix snapped.

Narcissa stared at the back of her head for a moment, her stomach feeling heavy before she admits in a whisper, “I don’t know…”

It was true; she didn’t know. How could anyone ever love a psychotic murderer? Someone who hurts you just as often as they make you feel whole? It didn’t make any kind of logical sense. Being with Bellatrix was hard; more than hard. It was emotionally difficult for Narcissa to be in love with her own kin, it was a full-time job to take care of Bellatrix when she was sick, and they seemed to fight more than they got along. But the question was, did love really outweigh all the bad things?

It used to be so much easier when they were younger.

“Well if that’s how you feel, then,” Bellatrix snapped, the hurt conveyed in her voice. Picking herself up off the bed and grabbing her clothes from the center of the floor, she furiously began to put them back on. She wouldn’t look at Narcissa.

“Where are you going?” Narcissa asked, sitting straight up in bed.

“Why the fuck am I here, Narcissa?” Bellatrix asked, looking at her both angrily and desperately. “Huh? You and I both know all I do is hurt you, and now you sit here and can’t even find a reason why you love me! So what’s the point, honestly?”

“Are you kidding me?” Narcissa asked, outraged. “Was this your plan then? Beg me not to leave you on my birthday only so you could be the one to leave me?!”

“You know, and that’s the fucked up thing, Cissy,” Bellatrix said, pointing at her. Narcissa could see her eyes were glassy, but her jaw was tight; she wasn’t going to cry. “I didn’t say a bloody word about leaving you just now, yet that’s the first place your head goes to. What does that say?”

“It says nothing! You-”

“It says you want me to leave!” Bellatrix shouted. “You told me once you loved me the way I was; flaws and all. Yet all you do when we see each other now is harp on me about how fucked up I am, about how what I do is wrong and immoral and all this other sodding bullshit. So obviously no, Narcissa; you do not love me flaws and all.”

“Stop putting words in my mouth; I never said I didn’t! I do, of course I do, but that doesn’t mean I want to sit by and watch you hurt and kill people and completely lose yourself to your disease. You’re doing this to yourself and you know it! If you weren’t out being horrible to people, your anger wouldn’t get the best of you that often and you wouldn’t revert into psychosis. You want to go completely mad, don’t you?!”

“OF COURSE I DON’T!” Bellatrix screamed. “Who would ever want to hear voices in their head; be completely out of control? How can you say that to me?!”

“Because that’s what you’re doing! If you just left-” Narcissa tried, but was cut off instantly.

“I can’t leave, Cissy! I can’t! You know it, so stop thinking it’s an option. Even if I could I still wouldn’t; I believe in the Dark Lord’s cause. Fine, it may be killing my sanity, but in the long run it won’t matter. The work I’m doing will change the sodding world; my sanity is nothing compared to that! So yeah, I’m sorry I’m doing something meaningful with my life while you’re destined to be nothing more than a baby factory!” She didn’t sound very sorry about it at all. Sarcasm dripped from every word.

“I’m glad you think I’m so insignificant,” Narcissa snapped, sarcasm matching her sister’s.

“You are, that’s what you don’t get!” Bellatrix told her, which made Narcissa’s mouth drop open. “We all are! In the end, whether I’m with you or not… it won’t make any kind of impact on the world. But what I do with Him; that’s real. The legacy we leave behind will last forever; not just in our lifetime. So if you want me to choose then I’m sorry, but I’ll always stand by the Dark Lord and his cause over you.”

Narcissa was too shocked too move; she was too shocked to shout at her, hit her, or cry. She just stared at her, like her words pierced her heart and was making her bleed out. The silence that followed Bellatrix’s words was deafening and her last sentence hung in the air; taunting them. Narcissa swallowed hard, refusing to cry. “You’re… in love with him, aren’t you?” she asked softly, painfully.

“Cissy, that’s not what this is about-”

“Don’t lie to me!” Narcissa screamed, voice shaking. “Don’t sit here and lie to my face! I heard the way you spoke to him in the alley; like all you wanted for him to do was take you up against the fucking wall! Lesbian, my ass,” she spat.

“I am a lesbian!” Bellatrix insisted loudly.

“Yeah, a lesbian who wants to get banged by a man,” Narcissa spat at her, hurt and angry. “Go on; deny it. Lie to my fucking face, Bella. I want to hear this, it should be entertaining.”

“I don’t-”

“I HEARD YOU!” Narcissa shouted, not allowing her to deny it. “And why else, huh? Why else would you choose him over me? You’re completely infatuated with him! No one sane would do the stuff you do for him if they weren’t.”

“He has many followers who don’t have romantic feelings for him!” Bellatrix shouted. “Men… most of them are men, Cissy! They don’t want to sleep with him, surely.”

“But you do,” Narcissa told her evenly, locking her jaw. “That’s why you want to leave me, so you can do him without any guilt.”

“Do you hear yourself?!” Bellatrix shrieked. “I never said I wanted to leave you! Stop putting words in my mouth! But you know what? If I did it’d be for your own good, so I don’t know why you’re complaining.”

“Oh right, it’s always for me,” Narcissa sniped, throwing her hands up in the air. It was so repetitive. “Every sodding thing you do is because of me; because you love me, because you want to protect me. Yet every time you try to do something that will ultimately make my life better, you only make it worse. You cause me more pain by trying to do things ‘for my own good’ than you do when you just leave everything alone. So you know what, Bella? Maybe it’s time you stopped trying to help; you’re horrible at it.”

“Fine, if that’s what you want,” Bellatrix snapped, throwing on her coat. She turned away from her for a minute, like she was going to leave, but then rounded back on her, pointing at her accusingly. “You know what? You wouldn’t last five minutes without me!”

“Look who’s talking!” Narcissa retorted, laughing bitterly. “I’m not the one with psychotic issues, here!”

“At least I take out my anger on other people instead of turning it inwards; seems a lot healthier, if you ask me,” Bellatrix spat, looking at Narcissa’s thinning figure with disgust.

“Well it’s a good thing no one asked you then, because your vision is disturbingly warped,” Narcissa replied, angry. “Those people you hurt; they don’t deserve it! They did nothing to you, and yet you hurt them to pretend you’re no longer a victim when the sad truth is… you and me? We’ll be victims our whole lives. We’re damaged goods, Bella. That’s just the way it is and there’s no changing it.”

“So you think turning your hatred inward is the solution? You don’t deserve to be hurt anymore than you already have been!” Bellatrix told her heatedly. “So why give yourself more pain where there are others who never had the pleasure of knowing it? It’s their turn, Cissy; not ours. Not anymore.”

“Maybe,” Narcissa said, her chest and throat hurting from all the strain she was putting on them from not allowing herself to cry. “Maybe it is their turn. But that’s not for us to decide.”

“Why not? It wasn’t for Mum to decide when she viciously beat us day after day! So why her and not us?”

“Because I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to turn into is Mother,” Narcissa told her firmly. Her bottom lip quivered finally, giving into her emotion. “And maybe I don’t deserve anymore pain, Bella. Maybe I’ve had enough. But… it’s all I know…” She broke down then, the tears flowing as she painfully admitted, “And I think… I think that’s why I stay with you…” it killed her to tell her sister this, but she couldn’t pretend anymore. Her voice came out choked as she told her, “Because you… you hurt me…”

Bellatrix looked like she was falling apart in front of her. She was shaking, her face masked in distress as that information truly sunk in. She looked like she was going to cry, but no tears came. She looked like she had been hit by a bludger; the shock and the pain written all over her. Narcissa wished she could take back what she said, but it was the truth. Bellatrix hurt her; she loved her more than anything else in the world, but she hurt her far too much for them to ever truly have a healthy relationship.

And the sad thing was, Bellatrix knew it. She said it. Yet when it was said out loud, said by Narcissa, it made it so much more real. It made it all the more worse.

“But I love you,” Bellatrix said, voice broken from despair. It was barely above a whisper.

“I know…” Narcissa choked out through her tears, feeling more awful than she ever had in her life. She knew she was breaking her sister’s heart. “And that’s why it was so hard… to tell you that I… I just can’t anymore, Bella. I don’t want any more pain… I love you and I want to take care of you, but I’m only fourteen. I can’t bear this weight on my shoulders alone… I feel like I’m suffocating.”

Bellatrix put a trembling hand to her mouth as she tried to suck in breathes of air to calm herself down. The only sounds that could be heard in the room were Narcissa’s tears and Bellatrix’s erratic breaths. Finally Bellatrix swallowed as she walked over to Narcissa slowly until she stood in front of her. The look on her face broke Narcissa apart; it was so incredibly sad. But Bellatrix leaned down, kissing Narcissa on the forehead.

“I won’t hurt you anymore,” she promised in a whisper. Narcissa could feel Bellatrix’s silent tears land on her face and she wanted to reach out to her, but her sister stepped away. She gave her one last look of despair and love before she turned on the spot, apparating out of her room.

Bellatrix didn’t come back for Christmas Eve, nor Easter, nor to greet her when she came off the train her final day of her fourth year. It was the end; the end of them, the end of love. And although it hurt… overall, Narcissa found it was the end of her pain.

That was, at least, until she remembered that there was more pain in her life than just the kind Bellatrix brought.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

Narcissa didn’t come out of her room for the rest of Christmas vacation. What was worse was that no one cared. She doubted they even missed her.

She sat on the floor, the cold wood emitting goose bumps on her thighs as she stared into her full-length mirror. Her room was in shambles behind her from Bellatrix’s rampage, but she didn’t have the effort to pick anything up. She just stared at herself; her blotchy face and swollen eyes. She wasn’t crying anymore; she hadn’t been for a while. She didn’t know how long she sat there, motionless, in silence. Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she held them as she stared back at herself, wondering if she made the right decision.

Narcissa felt sick, but prayed it would pass. Her stomach felt like she had swallowed rocks, yet she couldn’t remember the last time she ate. But it didn’t matter; none of it really mattered. She just had this sickening feeling that she would never see her sister again. It was a terrible feeling of loneliness, yet she knew it was probably for the better. She just wasn’t emotionally stable enough to take care of Bellatrix any longer. She was so young and her life already felt so out of control; she didn’t need any more reasons to feel like she was suffocating.

Narcissa loved her; it wasn’t a question of that. Bellatrix was her other half and she knew she would be so for the rest of her life. She was the darkness to her light, the pain to her pleasure. But the pain and darkness were beginning to take over and they no longer balanced each other out. She didn’t want this to be the end, but she needed a break. She needed to breathe; to live like a teenager should without the extra stress and responsibility that came with taking care of someone with a… disability, for lack of a better term. Maybe it was selfish, but Narcissa had spent most of her life being her sister’s willing crutch and she just wanted a few moments that were just… hers.

She stared at herself in the mirror, fingers absentmindedly pinching the fat on her arms. Maybe Bellatrix was right; maybe it wasn’t her turn to hurt anymore. She knew her sister couldn’t stand that she didn’t eat much of anything anymore, but it was one thing that made her feel good. It was odd, honestly; something that was supposed to be so painful and so horrible making her feel better about herself. It wasn’t about being beautiful or being skinny, not really. Her self-esteem was shot to hell, sure, but she didn’t go into this lifestyle believing it would make her perfect. It would be a plus of course, but Narcissa merely craved the control. She craved the pride she had when she went another day without eating, without giving into weakness. It made her feel like she actually had a handle on her life. Or, at least a part of it.

It wouldn’t be forever. She’d eat again… eventually. Whenever she felt in control, whenever she felt like she had a handle on her own life again… she would eat. She’d have a steak, or maybe a pie. Blueberry, or maybe strawberry rhubarb…

Narcissa’s stomach growled at that thought and she buried her face into her knees, holding herself tighter. Today would not be the day she allowed herself to eat. Today was just another day of feeling lost, overwhelmed, and alone. Today was just another day to cry.

The school year seemed to fly by once she got back. It was odd, she realized, how fast time seemed to go when you were spending it with people, even if most of it was superficial.

Lucius had begun showing his affections for Narcissa in school and while at first she was against it, every night she would find a single long stemmed rose lying on her bed, so it made her begin to warm to him. She had no idea how he was getting them in since boys weren’t allowed in the girls’ dorm, but she had the feeling he was paying another girl to do it for him. The roses made her smile and made all her newfound “friends” squee in glee at his sweetness.

Their second date wasn’t until the Valentine’s Day Hogsmeade trip, in which he showered her with more presents and candy than she could handle. It was nice, for once, to smile. It was nice to feel appreciated, since she knew he didn’t have to do the things he did for her. Eventually she did allow him to hold her hand in the common room, to give her chaste good night kisses before she retired to bed.

The news of the two of them officially dating spread like wildfire throughout the Slytherin house and Narcissa’s popularity skyrocketed. She didn’t feel so alone anymore, nor was she ever picked on again. It helped her feel better about herself, no matter how superficial popularity or her new “friends” were, and her grades improved a little now that she didn’t have distress hanging over her like a dark cloud.

That didn’t mean that she still didn’t wait on bated breath every time the post came, hoping to hear from Bellatrix. But no matter how long she waited, day after the day the post came and a letter from her sister wasn’t among them. It was hard; it was so hard. She missed her more than words could describe, but at the same time she knew that she was better off. For the first time in her life she felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

She was eating again, albeit only a little. She found she had to anyway after she collapsed in Charms one day. God, that was mortifying. She was rushed the Hospital Wing and was force-fed a potion that was packed full with a lot of nutrients. Madam Pomfrey never said anything about her lack of eating, though it was obvious she could tell. She merely gave her a stern look and told her that she best not see her in there again for something like this. Narcissa mumbled something inaudible and all but ran from the room, embarrassed.

Her life wasn’t unmanageable anymore though, so she did begin to slowly work her way up to decent foods. One day she would eat that pie. One day. But for now she was living on small servings of crackers and fruit.

Narcissa wrote to Bellatrix once, near the close of the school year. She asked if she could see her over summer vacation. She wanted to know how she was; it killed her not to know. She would lie in bed at night and wonder where Bellatrix was, what she was thinking, how she was feeling. Sometimes she would dream up their next meeting; Bellatrix sweeping her off her feet and telling her she found a cure for her disease. Then they would kiss, smile at each other. Live happily ever after; the works.

Of course it was ridiculous to dream of such things. There wasn’t a cure; Narcissa knew that deep in her gut just as she knew she needed air to breathe. Her sister would never be better. If anything, if they were to see each other again, the chances of Bellatrix being better off than she was before were slim to none. It made Narcissa feel awful, to believe that she probably ruined Bellatrix further. She could be damaged beyond repair; a slave to her own madness.

Narcissa hated not knowing more than anything else, and Bellatrix never wrote her back.

The summer was quiet, outside of the time Lucius and her spent together. As her fifteenth birthday drew nearer, he was doing everything in his power to properly court her. She enjoyed his company, that was true. And she did… she felt for him, of course. It wasn’t love, she knew that, but she was beginning to feel like she did when she was twelve again; the butterflies, the shyness. Of course she was a lot bolder and more playful than she was then, which she believed Lucius enjoyed. Her knowing smirks and sly comments would make him laugh. Narcissa was really starting to enjoy the time the two of them spent together.

They were out in the park during the middle of the summer one day, sitting on a blanket and having a picnic. It was practically forced upon them; the picnic, that is. Narcissa’s mother thought it’d be a “nice, pureblooded activity” to do, whatever that meant. Basically she wanted her to do lady-like things while trying to get Lucius’ attention. Which, clearly she already had.

“Are you going to eat anything else?” Lucius asked as he watched Narcissa nibble on a cracker with cheese. She shrugged.

“I’m not that hungry,” she told him. She leaned back on her elbows and looked up at the sky, shielding her eyes with her hand from the bright sun. A bird passed overhead.

“You seem like you’re never hungry,” Lucius commented.

“I’m a night eater,” Narcissa lied, turning her head to face him. He looked confused and she smirked, clarifying, “I eat just before bed. I don’t know why; it’s just something I do. I usually keep something by my nightstand because I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and eat then too.”

“That’s… unusual,” Lucius told her, raising an eyebrow. Narcissa could tell he was skeptical so she just smiled at him before she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

“Don’t fret over me. You’ll get worry lines, dear.” She smirked.

Lucius laughed. “We’re up to pet names already and you haven’t let me get to second base yet? Somehow I feel gypped.”

Narcissa laughed as she laid down on the blanket, looking up at him. “You have yet to play your cards right.”

“Oh yeah?” Lucius pressed as he lay down next to her on his side, propping his head up with his elbow to look down at her. “Care to let me in on the secret to playing them right, then?”

Narcissa smirked. “That would be cheating.”

“I love cheating.”

“I bet,” Narcissa responded, giggling. She closed one eye, squinting as she looked up at him. Reaching up, she brushed some of the blonde hair away from his eyes. “I don’t know why you have all this hair; it’s not like you have an unattractive face you need to hide.”

“My father tells me our hair is a status symbol,” Lucius answered, rolling his eyes a little. “I don’t mind it, but it can become rather unmanageable at times.”

“Preaching to the choir,” Narcissa replied, laughing softly. “I always wanted to have short hair, but my mother wouldn’t hear of it. She told me when I was nine that it was my ‘selling point’.”

“Meaning?” Lucius asked, not fully understanding.

“Meaning…” Narcissa sighed, closing her eyes as the sun got too bright to deal with, “I’m too ugly in the face; my hair offsets that.” She paused, then shrugged. “Apparently.”

“You’re not ugly, Narcissa,” Lucius told her, touching her face to make her open her eyes to look up at him. His brow was furrowed, like he couldn’t believe someone would say to her. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. Your mother really said that to you?”

“Trust me, that was one of the better things my mother said to me,” Narcissa said, brushing it off like it was of no matter. It wasn’t really, not anymore. Her mother had damaged her so badly that she had started to become numb to those types of things. She closed her eyes again, feeling the sun’s heat radiating on her face.

“Excuse me for saying so, but your mother sounds like a bitch.”

Narcissa laughed openly, finding that one statement more hilarious than anything else. When she calmed down she took a breath before a smirk passed across her face. “Oh… you have no idea how much of an understatement that is.” Lucius didn’t say anything for a moment so she opened one eye to look up at him. Seeing the look on his face she grabbed his arm, coxing him to lie down next to her. “Come on, lay with me.”

He followed her lead and she snuggled into him, laying her head on his shoulder. It was quiet for a long moment until Lucius asked, “So did you hear who Rabastan married?”

“I didn’t even know he was engaged,” Narcissa replied.

“Your sister didn’t tell you?” Lucius asked, surprised.

“I…” Narcissa started, then had to clear her throat to try to dislodge the lump in her throat. “I um… I haven’t spoken to her in quite some time, actually.”

Lucius put his hand on her head, cradling her as he ran his fingers through her long locks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Narcissa didn’t say anything and he cleared his throat, sensing that the awkwardness of that subject shouldn’t be brought up. “Well, he married that girl Gwendolyn.”

That made Narcissa bolt straight up, turning to look down at him with wide eyes. “Not as in…?”

“Exactly as in,” Lucius replied. “It’s strange… that Rebastan would choose a wife who has always been the subject of idle gossip. I certainly would never. I wonder if ‘dyke’ is even something that is curable.” He laughed a little, enjoying Rebastan’s misfortune. Narcissa slapped his arm, irritation crossing her face. She hated when he talked like that; it felt so incredibly personal.

“Don’t be horrible.”

“What? You don’t think her sexual deviancy is an abomination? Because it certainly is, Narcissa. No proper woman would ever choose to be with another woman.”

“Maybe she didn’t choose,” Narcissa told him flatly. She certainly didn’t choose to love her sister in that way. Who would ever choose to be different? To be mocked like they were less than a person for who they loved?

“Excuse me?”

“Well maybe she was just born like that!” Narcissa shouted. “Call it a defect if you want, but it isn’t something that should be mocked or scorned. For her to marry a man and still crave women? That must take a lot of will power and strength.”

“I thought you hated her, why are you defending her honor?” Lucius asked, perplexed. It was a valid question, after all. Narcissa never had nice things to say about Gwendolyn.

“Because she’s like my sister!” Narcissa shouted, suddenly very angry with him. She knew she shouldn’t have said that, so her brain started trying to figure out another way to spin this. God, she shouldn’t allow herself to take the stuff he says about lesbians so personally, but it was hard to hear stuff like that come out of his mouth. It was the one thing she didn’t like about him.

Lucius’ mouth dropped open. “Your sister is a-?!”

“No!” Narcissa protested, shoving him a little as she pushed away from him. “But my sister has a… I don’t know, a defect or something. She’s sick and she certainly didn’t choose to be that way. I see Gwendolyn as having the same problem. That’s… t-that’s it.” Her voice shook a little as she finished her rant. Her heart was pounding in her throat as she looked at him; she knew he wasn’t buying it.

“What your sister has is different, Narcissa. She can’t be blamed for her disease. Homosexuals, however, choose to be that way. They-”

“They don’t!” Narcissa snapped. “My God, do you hear the stuff that comes out of your mouth? You know nothing of the world, Lucius. You only know what’s been passed down to you through tradition and upbringing. Have you ever even had a conversation with someone who was homosexual? Asked them how they felt?”

“W-Well… no, of course not,” Lucius stuttered, taken aback by her anger. “I don’t associate myself with those kinds of people. Are you telling me you have?”

Narcissa locked her jaw and glared at him.

Lucius took that as an answer. “Ah… “ he said softly, knowingly. “So your sister is…?”

“She’s married to Rodolphus,” Narcissa snapped.

“As Gwendolyn is to Rebastan,” Lucius answered pointedly. Narcissa didn’t say anything, just continued to glare at him, so he sighed. “I’m… sorry, Narcissa. I didn’t mean to talk badly about your family. I didn’t know.”

“You still don’t know,” Narcissa told him, a tone of warning in her voice.

“I don’t know anything,” Lucius repeated, holding his hands up in surrender. Narcissa still didn’t look convinced. He took her hands in hers, holding them as he looked into her eyes. “I swear, I won’t breathe a word of this.”

“No? Yet now you’re associated with ‘sexual deviancy’ by being with me, are you not? Bellatrix is my sister. I thought you’d never stand for that.”

“Well… I mean, it isn’t you that’s the…you know,” Lucius tried.

“That makes a difference?” Narcissa asked skeptically. “Because you seemed to hate the very idea of being associated with it at all not a moment ago.”

“Narcissa…” Lucius sighed. “Please don’t make this into an argument. I apologized. I won’t bring it up again; I know how much you love your sister. I’d have to be suicidal to try to come between you both.”

It made Narcissa sick to remember that something had already come between her and her sister.

“That wasn’t an answer.”

“I’m not comfortable with it, okay?” Lucius replied, impatiently. “That won’t change. But I like you, Narcissa. I… more than like you, if I’m to be honest. And every family has their indiscretions, mine included. As long as it’s swept under the rug, I find that the way your sister lives her life is no business of mine.”

“Damn right it’s not,” Narcissa told him sternly.

Lucius let out a long breath before running his fingers through his hair. He shook his head lightly. “I didn’t mean to ruin our afternoon together,” he said softly. “I meant for us to have a nice time.”

“We won’t always have a nice time together, Lucius,” Narcissa told him quietly. “That’s what being in a relationship is about. The bad times, as well as the good. It’d be foolish to think we’d always get along.”

The corners of Lucius’ mouth turned up into a smile. “A relationship?” he asked carefully.

Narcissa pursed her lips, trying not to smile as she looked down at the blanket between them. She shrugged casually. “Well I don’t know. We’ve been dating each other for nearly seven months now, what else would you call it?”

“I was just waiting to hear you call it that yourself. You’ve been very… distant about the matter,” Lucius replied.

“I don’t trust easily,” Narcissa replied. She bit the inside of her cheek and leaned back on her elbows, looking him in the eyes.

“Does that mean you do trust me now?”

“To an extent,” Narcissa replied with a sly grin. But then she got serious and told him, “But you have a lot of work ahead of you. And talking about my sister in the way that you do? Or talking about the type of people that are like her? It’s not winning you any points.”

“I apologized…” Lucius tried, sighing. He was growing annoyed that it didn’t seem to help any.

“I know. It just… it bothered me,” Narcissa told him, her brow furrowing as she looked down at the blanket beneath them, picking at it. She sighed before her eyes met his again and she told him, “Maybe we should just… call it an afternoon, yeah? I’ll see you again. Just… later.”

Lucius looked at her for a moment before he shook his head, as if snapping himself out of a daze. “Sure. That’s fine. We’ll get together for dinner next week or… whatever you’d like to do.”

Narcissa got up, brushing the grass from her legs. “We don’t always have to do whatever I like, Lucius.” Her eyes met his and she gave him a soft smile. He really was sweet; it was hard to picture someone like him being raised by the kind of father he had. “Don’t worry; you’ve courted me enough. This is the point where it should become about both of us, not just about me.”

She kissed him goodbye politely and headed home. She had too much fighting in her relationship with Bellatrix; she didn’t want to do it with Lucius too. She knew it was irrational to think that they would never fight, but she wanted to try to hold onto the happiness as long as she could. Maybe it was foolish, but she couldn’t help hoping.

When she got back to the house though, all thoughts of going up to her room and resting were dismissed from her mind. Her mother and father were in the living room, screaming at the top of their lungs.

“I DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE IS, CYGNUS!” Druella cried, her hands shaking as she cowered from his rage. “I SWEAR!”

“How could you let her do this?!” Cygnus roared, pushing Druella backwards so hard her back collided with the wall. He was in her face, more furious than Narcissa had ever seen him. “This is your fault! It’s your job to look after the children, not mine! I work while you sit around all day doing your hair or whatever it is that you’re doing instead of teaching our children obedience! Looking after them is your one bleeding job you stupid woman and now our family will be shamed by this indiscretion. Do you realize what this could do to our reputation?!”

“Cygnus, I’m sorry, please…” Druella begged, trying to find a way to get away from him, but he had her path blocked. “I’ll find her, I promise I will. I’ll find her and I’ll bring her back. I’ll keep her here, please…”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” Cygnus screamed, slapping his wife across the face so hard a bruise was already beginning to rapidly form. Druella sobbed, slumping against the wall as she held her cheek. “I don’t want to hear your voice again, do you hear me?! You’ve single-handedly destroyed what I worked so hard to build! And no one, especially not some fucking whore is going to do that, do you hear me? YOU WERE NOTHING BEFORE YOU MARRIED ME!”

Druella’s eyes landed on Narcissa who was halted in the doorway, eyes wide with fear and confusion. Cygnus turned around, spotting her there. It only took a couple strides until he came up to her, grasping both of her arms so hard Narcissa cried out in pain. “WHERE IS YOUR SISTER? WHERE IS ANDROMEDA?!”

“I don’t know!” Narcissa cried as he shook her roughly. “I… I was with Lucius! I don’t know, I swear! Please!” She was like a rag doll in his hands.

Cygnus screamed in rage, throwing her backwards. She hit the floor and pain shot up her back. As she scrambled away from him, he rounded on Druella again, who was still whimpering, huddled in a corner. He grabbed her arm, pulling her to him violently. His fingers left bruises on her arm and his eyes were like fire.

“You will find her, Druella. Find our daughter, or so help me God this may be the day you take your last breath. That’s a promise.”

GO TO PART FOURTEEN...