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Twice this week I have proven to myself that I am more than my fears. It sounds ridiculous in a way, but normally my social anxiety/general anxiety would actually stop me from going to work, or going for a class. But this week it didn't. I went for a shift at Oriole, which was a bit tiring but not too bad, and I went for the Jam despite being so ( Read more... ) -
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I am becoming increasingly aware that all my perceived emotional strength is just a suppression of my desperate neediness. I don't know how to fill this black hole. I think the first person who dates me is going to have a horrible time.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
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for some reason the url of an old (ex?) friend's blog surfaced in my mind today, and so i went to read the blog. again - i feel really helpless. and i think again of how bad i am at coping with people in my life.
the moment they intimidate me / are cold towards me in any way, i am repelled all the way away from them.......i completely distance ( Read more... ) -
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the feeling of almost-over, almost-reaching is so delicious. i am proud of myself. i am proud of all my friends, especially the ones who cried but stuck with it and the ones who bore through the shittiest schedules. we are stronger people than we expected ourselves to be, i think. (but cambridge is really out to get us this year hahahahahahhahaha ( Read more... ) -
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having my emotion-sorting half hour, watching an hour or two of youtube, listening to music, practicing the guitar for an hour.........it's helping a lot. i am swinging back and forth between calm submission to the task at hand and strong, unhappy resistance so i need a lot of time to calm down and do happy things. not accomplishing as much as i ( Read more... ) -
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watching another person fumble and slip up with their affection - it reminds me of a younger and clumsier me
"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."
- Anaïs Nin
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i am hurt - but for now i will shelve you. i have more things to worry about, and i refuse to let you be one of them. i refuse to be hurt because of you. - what a stupid attempt to feel better, really ( Read more... ) -
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cross posting because this is a very important series of thoughts to me ( Read more... ) -
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tcn is just heartache so much heartache there is something about that family that makes me really emotional and really thankful all at once it's like a pink happy glow cloud about to rain because it holds so much it makes me want to cry and i just really need to dump this here because in this shitty last bit where i am thoroughly spiritually wasted ( Read more... ) -
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it's....exhilarating? to open up - unlock instagram, comment nice things on random people's photos because it feels nice to be nice / to be thought of as nice / to think of the person smiling at the comment. but i am uncertain about myself. if i have to pull my insides together to do it, if i have to make an effort - is it real? am i faking it? is ( Read more... )