(no subject)
it's....exhilarating? to open up - unlock instagram, comment nice things on random people's photos because it feels nice to be nice / to be thought of as nice / to think of the person smiling at the comment. but i am uncertain about myself. if i have to pull my insides together to do it, if i have to make an effort - is it real? am i faking it? is it bad to fake it? if i fake it till i make it.....who will i be? will i still be myself? (edit: is the effort made in fact an attempt to be brave? it often feels that way)
i am over-thinking, of course....but i worry that if i don't over-think i will one day think too little and lose myself senselessly. i am well aware of the part of me that craves attention, love....i want people to like my photos, like me, think of me as beautiful. but i also realize that the people with thousands of followers don't really get to be themselves in full, i realize that people tend to veer toward visions of reality that are over-simplified or overly narrow in perspective: e.g. accounts of only cafe visits, nice ootds, carefully crafted / set-up photos, or accounts of extremely minimalistic photos - all on white backgrounds, it is like creating a new reality that doesn't exist. if we sink into it and desire for reality to look like that, wouldn't we be rejecting so much of the complexities and clutter that is natural? i don't want to reject the messiness of reality, i want to take it in as it is and embrace it.
i want the reality i present to be in a more organic form. i want to make myself not crave attention and love, but i understand that i have been somewhat deprived so there is an almost ugly desperation within me. i fear i will lose myself in my desperate search for love in greater quantities.....i need to come to appreciate the quality of love i am already receiving. on that line of thought - i am becoming increasingly numb to kind people? i don't know what it is. i have a happy sort of response but it doesn't feel real, it feels like an automated response. i am losing my emotions again?, which is scary.
i am also becoming increasingly unsure about the future, though not in an entirely frightening way. i will take this a step at a time. as long as i know what makes me happy i cannot veer far from the way to where i am to go. in the mean time, i will navigate exams, hopefully make the most of a few post-bt2 days to revitalize + continue to work on exercising regularly and taking better care of my skin. i do love myself, i do, but i still want to be the best version of myself, so i will keep striving to change in small ways while keeping my feet on the ground.
i am over-thinking, of course....but i worry that if i don't over-think i will one day think too little and lose myself senselessly. i am well aware of the part of me that craves attention, love....i want people to like my photos, like me, think of me as beautiful. but i also realize that the people with thousands of followers don't really get to be themselves in full, i realize that people tend to veer toward visions of reality that are over-simplified or overly narrow in perspective: e.g. accounts of only cafe visits, nice ootds, carefully crafted / set-up photos, or accounts of extremely minimalistic photos - all on white backgrounds, it is like creating a new reality that doesn't exist. if we sink into it and desire for reality to look like that, wouldn't we be rejecting so much of the complexities and clutter that is natural? i don't want to reject the messiness of reality, i want to take it in as it is and embrace it.
i want the reality i present to be in a more organic form. i want to make myself not crave attention and love, but i understand that i have been somewhat deprived so there is an almost ugly desperation within me. i fear i will lose myself in my desperate search for love in greater quantities.....i need to come to appreciate the quality of love i am already receiving. on that line of thought - i am becoming increasingly numb to kind people? i don't know what it is. i have a happy sort of response but it doesn't feel real, it feels like an automated response. i am losing my emotions again?, which is scary.
i am also becoming increasingly unsure about the future, though not in an entirely frightening way. i will take this a step at a time. as long as i know what makes me happy i cannot veer far from the way to where i am to go. in the mean time, i will navigate exams, hopefully make the most of a few post-bt2 days to revitalize + continue to work on exercising regularly and taking better care of my skin. i do love myself, i do, but i still want to be the best version of myself, so i will keep striving to change in small ways while keeping my feet on the ground.