5.12 Swap Meat, Part 1/2
Episode reviews by tahirire and blacklid: 501 | 502 | 503 | 504 | 505 | 506 | 507 | 508 | 509 | 510 | 511
THE ROAD SO FAR...
The Far Side of Sam, Interrupted
NOW...
Click the red button to buffer, then the green one to play.
"OH HAI. IM JARD. I MEEN SAM. I MEEN GARY."
"Oh, hai, I'm a cougar Crystal. That's not my real name, either. You are just... a stunning looking man."
Dear cappers,
Why did you not include a cap of Jared CaptainMorgan Gary saying, "INORITE".
Also, you interrupted his Bon Mot, Crystal, so now you're on the hit list. Don't you know?
Sam is... THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD.
-Lid, who rewrites history quite regularly
Click to view"There's a time and place for them. The time is never. You can figure out the place on your own."
*spins the umbrella*
Ah, kiss me
Flick your cigarette and then kiss me
Kiss me where your eye won't meet me
Meet me where your mind won't kiss me
Flick your eyes and mine and then hit me
Hit me with your eyes so sweetly
Oh, you know you know you know that
Yes I love I mean I'd
Love to get to know you
"I roofied your banana."
"NO WAI."
GARY WUD LOOOOOOOOOOOV 2 HAS TEH SEHEX WIF U, RITE HER, RITE NAO, WIF HIS NABNA. DAIQUIRI. DIMPLEZ...
"AKSHULLY, TEH WHOLE OUTFIT IZ NEW."
0.o ...
Die. ... Wait. But not in that body. Actually, don't do ANYTHING with that body, do you hear me.
NOT. YOURS. Sam would not hit that and neither can you. No.
NO.
ZIPPIT. NO.
Dear GaryWhateverTheHellYouAre,
WHERE IS SAM AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM. I AM GOING TO GET VIOLENT.
-Lid, who does NOT EVER focus on Sam's INORITE. Usually. Unless he's just asking for it.
HI, BEAUTIFUL IMPALA.
Awww. Fresh lemonade and cookies and afghans and flowers and a sweet voice...
I can totally see how these two would remember her with fondness.
At least they got SOME mothering when they were young.
*pauses to think about that some more*
Sam used to try to tell her what his dad really did when he was "working" and she didn't believe him at first.
They don't go into what changed her mind, though.
Anybody want to take a crack at it?
As much as she knows, she's still not sure how to tactfully broach the subject of someone else's "special talents".
She leaves it to Sam, who is very practiced at telling people what they don't really want to hear.
He earned his doctorate's degree in psychology as age 11.
He can interpret your worst nightmares, in Latin, and you will still understand him.
People hang on his every word, even the prepositions.
He could disarm you with his looks... or his hands. Either way.
He can speak French... in Russian.
When the dad walked in from work, I fully expected them to have a knock down drag out about how ghosts aren't real and all that, but apparently, something has happened to convince him already. Yipes.
Oh. That.
A poltergeist who carves words in kid's stomachs and speaks lolcat.
Good thing Sam knows how to speak lolcat. Oh, wait.
"Everything is gonna be fine. I promise."
YAY! We're back to the Dean we know! ...
Isn't it?
I think he usually says things like this.
I mean, I thinks he THINKS them, but does he normally SAY them?
I mean... lately? Uh.
Actually, come to think of it... No, he's never promised anything to anyone but Sam.
This is something Sam usually says.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN. eep.
I love how it says PIES instead of FRIES. It's a PATRIOT BURGER! It's run by the Burger Lord!
They spend four whole seconds telling you this!
With little marching dudes holding flags and stuff! BUT WHY.
Oh.
OMG. IT'S GARY. No, look. It's GARY. In a...uniform. WHAT.
Sam is shakin' his bacon, but it's Dean who's bustin' out the beef. A-haha. *looks around and whistles*
Dear Dean,
You can have the hots for the babysitter that reminds Sam of the mother he never had and reminds you of...
well, something more. It's okay by me. I hear Oedipus complexes are quite common.
-Lid
P.S. You, cougar hunter, you.
deanwinchester @tahirire That's what the word drama originally meant in Greek, you know. "Lots of boobs." Why else would that sh** have been so popular? yesterday
Dear Sammy,
Shut it and eat your salad. It's not like that. Dean just wants him's mommy.
Leef him lonez. Meanie. *iz innocent*
-Lid, who is NEVER innocent
Dear Dean,
I've got it!
You're asking Sam if he wants a wife and rugrats and stuff because you want to say that you do
-- which is an awful awful lot -- but you won't do it unless Sam wants to just as much as you do,
and you won't if he doesn't think he could anymore,
just retire and live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, maybe,
and you would give all of that up for Sam because he's your brother,
and you're gonna stick together no matter what.
*clings*
-Lid, who is watching your mouth quirk like that and your eyes do that shifty thing and I know what THAT means
Dear Sammy,
You're only saying you don't want that because you think you can't have it. ... *schmack*
-Lid, exasperatedly
It's the Bay State Witchcraft Society.
I bet they have craft fairs on the second Thursday of every month.
We could pick up some spare goat's blood or something.
OMINOUS ANONYMOUSE IS OMINOUS.
(Say that three times fast, Jared. I DARE YOU.
I won't believe you unless it's on YouTube and probably not even then.)
Heeeyyy. WAIT A MINUTE. Isn't that the guy... is that RP Sam?
IDEK.
If it isn't the same dude, then Show is goin' around CLONIN' PEEPLES WHAT LOOK LIEK NOT!SAMMEH.
I am truly creeped out. Let me brain on this, before I panic.
Oh, darnit, too late. *freaks out* IMEANLOOKATTHAT.
I feel like I just walked into The Real Ghostbusters 2.0 and now someone who wanted to be Sam is really, actually getting to BE SAM... I don't think I'm comfortable with this. Give me a minute.
No. It's still creepy.
...
OMGWHY.
Sam is talking to Dean on the phone and saying things like bupkiss and you bet and I'm all since when does Sam say things like that and then somethingsnapsandcatcheshisattensjajgaldfbgfbha*snuggles*
Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man.
Frank: What? I did. [feeling his neck]
Peppers: YES!
Frank: Oh my god. Is this bad? Is this bad?
Peppers: You better pull that out. That is not cool.
Frank: Wait, pull what out?
Peppers: The dart. You got a f***ing dart in your neck.
Frank: [laughs] You're...You're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy.
Whats...noooo.
Sam wakes up in a toga, I mean a uniform... that he didn't say yes to.
Dear Sam,
I laughed at your white sneakers for a really long, discomforting amount of time,
and then I saw the white belt and laughed until I...
and then I rewound it and did it again. It was just as good as the first time.
-Lid
P.S. Actually, hittin' it more than once was the only way I figured out what you were holdin' in your hand.
Do you have asthma now? Because I'm havin' trouble breathin'.
*iz still laff*
There's nothing fun about being in a cop car, unless you get to ride in the front seat, you know.
The cop picks up our little big man, er, lost boy... whatever, and says his family is worried sick about him...
...and I saw this look on his face that reminded me of the time that
Sam thought he saw Jessica that night a few months ago
and he's asking if it was his brother who called because he's the only one who would
and and and *tears up right after she was laff and oh, show, why you gotta do that to me*
AND THEN...
Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
and he lived in the sewer with his hamster pal.
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve,
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream,
But that's really not important to the story.
Well the very next year he met a dental hygenist
With a spatula tattooed on her arm.
But he didn't keep in touch, and he lost her number,
Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm.
And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the earth,
And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich,
For what it's worth.
Then, one day Al was in the forest, trying to get a tan,
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man.
He was caught in a bear trap, and Al set him free.
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be.
And it turns out that he's a big shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract, and what do you know...
Now he's got his very own "Weird Al" Show!
This was so absolutely funny and sad at the same time because the house looks like the house in Lawrence.
Also, his mom looks frantic ... and on drugs.
I think her expression pwns his expression by about 58 points on a scale of 1 to 109.
Sam is soooo touchy about being touched (ever since Becky?) that this made me lawl.
He's trying to explain that he's not drunk and he is really trying to get a handle on
just how the hell they're all seeing someone that he's not...
when he catches a glimpse of himself in the reflection.
And the world is not seeing him the way he sees himself in the slightest.
What a great juxtoposito...what a great justap... what a great analogy.
Hey... it looks like... Sam looks like Zac Efron! It's 17 Again!
I don't think I can top Freaky Friday The 13th, so I won't even try.
What the.
Oh.
It's Gary.
Somehow, that makes me enjoy it a little less.
I said a LITTLE less.
*pinches*
He once challenged his own reflection to a staring contest. On the fourth day, he won.
tahirire: Don't ogle his bicep. It makes him self-conscious.
blacklid: I was talking about Gary.
By the by, here's a poem.
I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful-
The eye of the little god, four cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.
-Syliva Plath
It's (ostensibly) about a mirror, but it's more about a woman
who feels haunted by the Jonah whale of her existence that she sees inside it
until the day she dies and yet she faces it every day because it is the only choice she has.
That might be relevant for someone, I wonder who it could be, Dean.
Of course, you could walk THROUGH the mirror, like Alice, or you could keep asking the mirror silly questions, like:
Gary: "MIRROR, MIRROR, ON TEH WALL, HOOS TEH FAIREST WAN OV ALL DAT HAS HOOJ MUSCLEZ AN AWSUM TANZ AN AN IQ OV 180, OH DAT WUD BE ME."
or how about:
Lid: "If you touch Sam's boobs like that again, I'mma punch yer lights out."
Sam is wooing Dean with food. Well, not... you know what I mean.
Sam was walking back and then he disappeared for two hours without returning Dean's calls, and now...
MMM...d'burgair...
...and then he lets the maid in with Dean's stuff laid out all over the bed? What is that, strike two? or three?
BURGER IS INSUFFICIENT FOR THIS JIGGERY.
Dear Dean,
You might wanna see where this goes. Just to see... oh, my bad.
-Lid, who just figured out that you totally already knew that.
*sits down and shuts up*
Dear Not!Sam,
How long do you really think Dean's gonna go without figuring out that all the cell phones are missing?
What could possibly benefit you?
... OH CRAP.
"It's never too early to start beefing up your obituary."
Dear Dean,
Sam isn't answering your calls because he doesn't have his phone and
you have umpteen numbers for him to call to try to get a hold of you.
If you do a tracker on them, you'll always know.
But...why would you do all of that if you're sitting next to Sam, right?
-Lid, who's not sure this strategy will work now as well as it did with Bela a couple of years ago
Don't you know that you are mah shooteen stah...
You're just too good to lose
and I can't refuse
so don't make me choose
between the two
I'm fed up in here
in my atmosphere
Don't you know who you are my shooting star
REVERSE, Andretti, REVERSE. Seriously?
His whole life is spent in this car - he learns to drive in this car -
he speeds up and cuts Dad off in this car like he's some kind of stunt guy -
he owns it and takes care of it all by himself for almost a year when Dean's gone...
and as soon as things start acting out of place, one of the first things to go is his driving skills?
I am really, really sorry, too. SHADDAP.
Yeah. Dean's not stupid. He'll drive for now, but he's gonna need some more introspection on this Sam dilemma.
In the meantime, he's gotta play it on the DL that he doesn't have a clue that anything is wrong.
Dear Jared and Colton,
These mirror scenes are awesome.
I don't even want to know how much time and frustration it took to get it all to sync up THAT perfectly.
You brung it.
It's been brough-ten.
-Lid, who is remembering Jared in the elevator last season and laughing
P.S. It's even more awesome that Sam has all those phone numbers memorized,
and he probably 'starred' the phone to make them untraceable, cuz he's smart like that. WIN.
P.P.S. Is that Darth Vadar?
SO.
VERY.
AWESOME.
SAUCE.
But who is... *dunh duhn DUUUUNNNN*... THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR JEDI?
Intelligence +
Obsession +
Social Ineptitude =
Oh hai, Bafomet, I thot I seez u lurkin in thees invisable baffs.
LEEAVE ME ALONNNNE. AWRIGHT I'M COMINGGGG.
Sam's reaction is like a mad libs on the nature vs. nurture debate. I LOVE IT.
Sammy is suspicious of these people feeding him breakfast... *wibble*
Sam, can't deal with that much protein. Because.
Well, you all saw Metamorphosis.
If I were Sam, I wouldn't be able to choke down meat or dairy very often, either.
It's scary.
"I thought you wanted to be an engineer! How does getting drunk fit with your plan?
ARE YOU SMOKING DRUGS."
"NO, DAD, FER GAWD. I've changed the plan, that's all. I vant to bee the Grovenor ov Kalifohnya."
Nell is really surprised at you, Woody. /lame It's a Boy Girl Thing reference
This space is so tiny compared to their rooms upstairs.
It's a great didactic visual reference: they have many freedoms and are encouraged to grow
and better themselves and have their own lives, but they are also expected to be part of the family unit.
Kids don't know how to marry those two requirements - hell, some adults don't, either -
and these two kids feel cramped and cornered when their parents are around.
Doesn't EVERYONE feel that way, though, at some point?
*applause for the set design crew, as always*
While I was going on and on, JaredSamGarySam found a way around all the protein on his plate
and stole bread off the mom's plate and ate it. Oh, noes.
LOLWHEATGLUTEN.
The little stripes and the numbers on the chest and I think he may actually BE in prison here, figuratively speaking.
... Hmm.
In Soviet Russia, bread eat you.
"See those nuts? They are there to make us thirsty.
While I don't like being coerced, in this case I shall make an exception."
Her cute tiny argyle sweater vest tells me that Latin and Chemistry is approved
and spells and potions are something you'd get burned at the stake over.
She's right; he seriously springs a leak on numerous occasions all of the time.
"Maybe there's a potion in that musty old book that you could use to get rid of the asthma and the gluten allergy.
That's partly how the field of medicine got started in the first place, you know. Loser."
Is it weird that I get ridiculously gleeful at the term, "tombstone roll"?
It is, isn't it?
Ohhh, she's in the basement. She got pregnant, so the guy killed her and buried her,
then spread a rumor that she was a witch, or maybe she was a witch and that's how Gary got the book,
either way, that he just says, "in THE basement", like it's HIS basement... it's just weird. /run-on sentence
So that's where Sam was when he disappeared for two whole hours last night.
He'd finally found something and couldn't call like he always does unless he's in trouble.
uh, huh. right.
Makes total sense. That's about as likely as Sam asking him to turn up Bob Seger and the Silver Bullets.
"HELLZ YA"
Rock and Roll Never Forgets, Dean. It never forgets that Sam likes Bon Jovi.
*marks a sideways line to make five*
So you're a little bit older and a lot less bolder
Than you used to be
So you used to shake 'em down
But now you stop and think about your dignity
So now sweet sixteen's turned thirty-one
You get to feelin' weary when the work days done
Well all you got to do is get up and into your kicks
If you're in a fix
Come back baby
Rock and roll never forgets
You better get yourself a partner
Go down to the concert or the local bar
Check the local newspapers
Chances are you won't have to go too far
Yeah the rafters will be ringing cause the beat's so strong
The crowd will be swaying and singing along
And all you got to do is get in into the mix
If you need a fix
Come back baby
Rock and roll never forgets
Oh the bands still playing it loud and lean
Listen to the guitar player making it scream
All you got to do is just make that scene tonight
Heh tonight
Well now sweet sixteen's turned thirty-one
Feel a little tired feeling under the gun
Well all Chuck's children are out there playing his licks
Get into your kicks
Come back baby
Rock 'n Roll never forgets
Said you can come back baby
Rock 'n Roll never forgets
*Gary/Sam reschedules his flight to Kalifohnya*
ARE YOU ON THE DRUGS.
PART TWO >