J2 FIC AU, Reaching For Happiness, Chapter 20 Part 1 [WIP]
Author:freedomthisway
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Special Note: Super thank you to mymuseandi a.k.a Lyn for helping me beta-ing this chapter. I owe you huge thanks, like I always do. :)
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
God, I painfully realized that it took me almost a YEAR and a half to finish this chapter. To tell the truth, in some points it got too much and I was all ready to dump this story away and move on. But your comments and PMs had greatly refrained me from doing so. It gave me spirit -more than I could ever imagine- to stop whining and instead wrecked my brain out to continue writing it. I'm really sorry for dragging it out too long, guys. I wasn't proud of it but I hope you all can forgive me and find this chapter suits your taste.
I know I promised Tom and Mike's arrival on Padalecki's doorstep, but it turns out I have to save their appearance for another chapter, what with this chapter itself has been amount up to more than 15000 words. I never planned for this part to be so lengthy, but my fingers seemed like they had a mind of their own. LOL. Don't worry though. I believe it'll just be two more long chapters and I'll end this story for good. Writing this apparently has taken a huge toll on me and I need to think twice before starting to write another epic piece.
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who has read this series up to this point. I am even more grateful to those who had left comments and encouragement for me to continue, despite my lack of response... T______T
tishawyman, super hug for all your support and endless yet heartwarming pokes. Really can't thank you enough. I'd love to have a convo with you but I am a handicap here without proper internet connection... I haven't had a chance to read your Supernatural Christmas Story, though. I bet it'll be awesome, so I promise I'll check on it later. <3
pollyspn, ever since I read your long and analytic comment on the last chapter, I've been putting you high on my thankyou-list. I've never read a long description of my story that's so attentive and detailed like what you write in your comment. And truthfully I'm so touched because of it. Thank you. Plus for all the Brazilian hugs you gave me. :D
inanna_maat, I really appreciate your offer to make the art cover for this series' OST. Seriously, I can't be more happy, because I suck so bad in art. LOL. I hope you haven't taken back the offer yet. I'll contact you by PM when the time is right. I hope it's fine with you. Thank you again~!
All of you who have been loyal readers and commenters (calijirl5150, northnelson, fanofsuper, idiot4dean, sn_24lover, patriciagissel1, my kinky reader a_phoenixdragon, shelgrainger2, naisica, dramaa_princess, and everyone of you whom I can't possibly mention one by one). I really hope you'll stick to the end of this story. I love you all....
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 :: Chapter 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 :: Chapter 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14 :: Chapter 15
Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17 :: Chapter 18 :: Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Only the memories linger from the days we were together.
Is erasing you the only way to go on living?
Memories spring up in my mind from the days we were together
Is sending you away the only way to go on living?
(Don’t go) Please don’t leave
(Don’t go) But I love you
(Don’t go) You will leave me all alone
Please, Please, Please
Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go
Stupidly I still live for you
Where are you?
I need you so much
Oh baby, my only one
Please stop and come back now
Just tell me this is a joke
Simply return to me
I wanted to live for you forever
In time I grow tired of meeting that love
As much as the pain
As much as the exhaustion
I erase you and try to forget
But there you are, still in my mind
I know you are hurting as much as I am
I know you are as tired as I am
Comeback to me
My unforgettable one
Please stop and come back now
Just like before,
Simply return to me
(Brown Eyes - Gajima [Don't Leave])
Jared Padalecki always thinks of himself as a man with strong will and is capable of finding the appropriate (or sometimes inappropriate) means in order to get what he wants.
He also thinks of himself as a man who possesses great reasoning and immovable stubbornness, difficult to unhinge and is proud of it.
So even though Jared spent most of last night sitting on the edge of his bed and staring blankly at the wall, feeling helpless and lost and desperate, he woke up this morning with a firm decision: he will never, ever, give up.
This isn’t the end yet. And even if it takes his last breath away, he refuses to allow this to be the end.
Jensen will have to give Jared many more blows than he already had to make him finally raise the white flag and back away.
Jared doesn’t want to think about this certain possibility, but even if the worst happen when he runs out of time and has to watch Jensen’s back as he walks away from this house and from him, he certainly won’t just stand still and do nothing.
Contacting Mr. Gray had been the first thing Jared did this morning. And as usual, Mr. Gray was listening carefully as Jared told him his detailed requests.
Keeping an eye on Jensen while he’s still here living his so-called last days in the house will be like a walk in the park for the old detective. But once Jensen has packed his bag and leaves, that’s when things will surely get a little tricky. Jensen is after all has this troublesome talent to disappear off the face of the earth when he wants it, as Jared can attest to by experience. So he emphasizes to Mr. Gray that he must do everything in his power to keep track of Jensen, using any means available, so that he can report back to Jared with the Jensen’s exact location and let Jared do the rest of the work.
Jared’s perfectly aware that he’s planning to break his own promise, but he just doesn’t care anymore. No matter what he does, Jensen just fails to see what Jared has in mind for both of them and the thought makes him sigh. Jensen has been through a lot of suffering because of what Jared had done and he is just being cautious for his own good, Jared painfully gets that. After all, Jared has the same fear. The thought of him one day putting a hurt look on Jensen’s face once again like he had many times before has always succeed in hitting him with a nauseous wave. Life has never been predictable after all. But Jared refuses to abandon his feelings for Jensen (not that he can even if he wants to) just because of some paranoid ideas. It’ll be stupid and cowardly and Jared likes to think he is above all that. If only Jensen knows that things had never been easy for Jared too, then the younger man might be able to bring himself to forgive Jared and give both of them another chance.
And just like that, a thought clicks in his mind. Jared lays back on his chair, mulling over the thought carefully, slowly extricating a plan. By the time he’s done, there’s a determined look is on his face as he reaches for the phone and dials Jeff’s number.
If he wants this plan to at least have a chance of succeeding, he’ll need all the time he can get alone with Jensen. That said, he has to get Jeff out of the picture.
The jerk will bitch, of course. But he’ll comply. He doesn’t want Jensen to leave too and he’s already at the end of his wits, having gotten a full taste of Jensen’s stubbornness. If his plan had been different, Jared is sure he can always use Jeff’s favor.
But what he has in mind is a game for two. And it’s only he and Jensen who can play it.
---00o00---
Jensen wipes the sweat running down along his jaw with the back of his hand before sighing as he finishes trimming the last rose bush. Jeff isn’t coming today, just like he wasn’t yesterday. Judging from his grim tone through the phone as he was complaining to Jensen about the work load he had to finish before the end of this week, Jensen knows he won’t be able to come to visit on the next few days too.
And it sucks, that’s what this is, because Jensen can really use some friendly conversation right now to distract his own mind from all these thoughts running around inside his head.
It’s going to be just less than a week left before Jensen packs his bag and leaves this house, for good this time. And he’ll miss Jeff for sure. Jeff is a newly-found friend whose existence somehow has become very important in Jensen’s life. Jensen doesn’t know how, but Jeff understands him. And for someone whose life is complicated like Jensen, understanding is a golden value.
The train of thought brings Jared’s particular question that night to fleet inside Jensen’s mind.
If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Jeff still stays?
Jensen smiles bitterly as he packs up gardening tools scattered on the ground around him. Even if Jensen can find words to answer that question, he still thinks Jared won’t be able to understand.
Jeff is a laid back guy, easy going. He is someone whose job has allowed him to see enough of this world to know that lots of things aren’t how they supposed to be sometimes; to understand that shit happens, leading him to try to accept all the odds trailing behind. No matter how bizarre they may be.
But Tom and Mike are different. They’re just normal country boys, trying to live their hard life to the fullest without letting their principles and prides go down the drain. Tom goes to church every Sunday and even when he always has to drag an annoyed Mike along with him everytime, Jensen had seen Mike enough times slipping inside confession chamber and coming out all red and puffy eyed. Their horrible past of dealing with gay bashing and the fact that their own parents disowned them right after they decided to come out of the closet had caused both of them to protect their pride like crazy. Mike told him one night that no matter what happens, he would never, ever, let another person degrade him again for being himself.
Jensen can still remember that time when the bar had to be shut down temporarily due to recession; three of them were left jobless without their usual steady pay for a few months. They had to tighten their belts, scraping any part-time job they could get, including distributing flyers for a night club to pedestrians -hunching in the biting cold on the side of the street as they distributed them. That was when this guy --all sleek suit and expensive leather shoes-- approached Tom and proposed him a simple fuck and pay. The next thing Jensen saw was a furious Mike rushing past him towards the guy and in just a few seconds, his expensive suit already ruined when Mike slammed him down onto the pavement. Mike hovered above his lying body and pinned him as he continued to deliver punch after punch onto his face long after the guy stopped wriggling.
It took both Jensen and Tom to drag Mike away, still furiously yelling at the unconscious and thoroughly beaten guy beneath him. A crowd was forming around them and all of a sudden they were so terrified someone had called the police that the three of them fled from the scene as fast as they could.
Later, when they were in the safety of their own apartment, Tom slapped Mike across the cheek so hard with his trembling hand that Jensen could see Mike staggering back down a bit. But Tom’s enraged question of ‘what the hell was it you think you were doing, you fucking moron?!’ was met with a heated gaze and a stubborn stance. Mike’s voice was hoarse yet determined when he said after a moment, “We are indeed fags, Tommy. There were times when I get beaten down just for trying to hold your hands, and I could deal with that. But nobody, nobody, can call us whore and just walk away because that’s a whole new level of insult that I can never tolerate. No matter what difficulties we have to put up with, at the very least, we still hold on to our dignity, even when there’s only a little shred of it.”
The memory of Tom’s eyes brimming with tears after, still in shock but silently agreeing to those statements is enough to make Jensen cringes.
No, Jared will never understand why keeping that particular dark side of his life to Tom and Mike is so important for Jensen; to make sure they will never know what he’d done or else, he’d lose the remaining people in his life and Jensen won’t be able to live with that.
Even the fact that by doing this means he can’t afford to see them both again, at least it’s an enough knowing that they both will still be out there somewhere, missing him and loving him and remembering him as the same person he was instead of hating him for what he has become.
“I forgot how beautiful this garden could be when somebody actually pays attention to it.”
Startled, Jensen looks up and sees Jared standing across him and his heart involuntarily skips a beat. It’s the first time he sees Jared after that night. He seems to be avoiding him since Jensen kept finding himself having his meals alone in the dining room. And to tell the truth, Jensen can’t help but feel a little sad at the lack of Jared’s presence.
Along with his looming departure from the house, lately Jensen somehow feels the dire need to see Jared’s face, to hear his loving words to Jensen said from across the dinner table and his throaty laugh. He wants to have enough time to map out all of Jared in a way he had never been able to before. There used to be just horrible and painful memories. There used to be just Jared’s glare, and his cold hatred, and his stabbing words. But now Jensen wants to savor the sight of Jared in this new light: the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he always looks at Jensen as if they’re the only two people in this whole wide world. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or it’s just nothing but Jensen’s imagination, Jensen needs to soak up every single of Jared’s loving gesture because soon those memories will be the only thing he can ever have. It’ll be the only thoughts that will occupy his mind on each upcoming night when the loneliness gets too much and he can no longer pretend that he has moved on. In those moments, his only choice will be to retract those tiny fragments of Jared out of his memory; trying to make himself believe the woven lie and fantasy that he was, once, loved.
Shaking the thought off his head, Jensen forces himself to focus on the older man in front of him.
“They look good.” Jared nods toward the rose bushes Jensen is currently working on, his gaze showing sincere appreciation and Jensen feels his cheeks gets a little warmer.
Jensen smiles a bit and mumbles, “Thanks.”
Jared smiles back and for a moment there’s no word traded between them as he’s just watching Jensen’s scrambling to finish clearing away his gardening tools.
“So,” Jared says lightly when Jensen is finally on his feet. “I take it you’re done here?”
Jensen stares at him, “... Yeah.” Looking around, he shrugs his shoulders. “I have planned to plant more roses. There’re still some more seeds left back in the shed. But I think I’ll just get to it tomorrow.”
“Great. So now might be a perfect time to ask you a favor.” Jared replies with a smile, looks nervous.
“What favor?”
Jared shrugs. “Well, I’ve thought about what you said the other night. And... to tell the truth I still don’t want you to go. But I realize that things have changed now. So I have to change too. I can’t --shouldn’t-- stop you from doing what you want anymore.” Jared takes one step closer, eyes kind but sharp as he stares at Jensen. “But that also means, before you finally leave, I still have time and you can’t stop me from still trying to fight for you, Jen. You understand that, don’t you?”
Jensen doesn’t answer, just stares back at Jared with a carefully blank expression -almost defensive- and it makes Jared sigh. “Look, all I’m asking is for you to sit right there on that bench with me and listen as I’m telling you some stories. Will that be okay with you?”
Jensen glances at the direction of the said bench and looks back at Jared with an eyebrow cocked up, voice wary. “That’s it? You just want me to listen to your stories?”
Jared nods, trying to give Jensen an assuring smile. His hands gesture openly as he says, “I swear that is it. I only need you to be my audience.”
And that’s how Jensen finally finds himself sitting on one of the garden’s benches, Jared beside him. The wooden seat feels warm from friendly heat of the sun. Occasionally, gentle breezy wind blows and Jensen watches with weird sense of calmness as it strokes Jared’s curls along with each slow gust.
Jensen counts to five before clearing his throat and asks, “Alright, we’re seating. What story you’re going to tell me?”
Jared doesn’t answer right away, instead his lips quirk into a small smile. He looks ahead of him and another blow of wind strokes his hair again. Only after a while then he turns his gaze to Jensen, still smiling and his eyes are twinkling with amusement.
“Do you still remember that first time I taught you how to play piano?”
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They had only become brothers for two months, but Jared found himself getting along really well with Jensen within a surprisingly short time. Jensen started to tail behind him everywhere Jared went, got along with Jared’s friends with ease, and absorbed every rule of cool games Jared taught him so quickly that Jared couldn’t help but felt proud when together they aced most of those games against other children.
Jensen was a fun companion to be with and the way he looked at Jared sometimes as if Jared was his hero always succeeded in making Jared’s inside glow with warmth. So no, Jared had never minded Jensen’s presence alongside him. Not even when one night the rain poured down so heavily outside and Jared found Jensen standing in front of his bedroom door clutching on to his blanket, flinching each time a sound of thunder booming from above the house. He ended up sleeping with Jensen that night on his bed, patting Jensen’s trembling back in his effort to comfort him. They often shared a bed ever since and it was strange as Jared soon realized that somehow he had never dreamed of that dream again where he woke up in the middle of the night and walked along the house’s hall with tears streaked on his face, only to find nobody anywhere.
Jared had never thought the idea of having a little brother would actually be pretty cool. But the moments he spent with Jensen made everything seem so much better in Jared’s life.
Take tonight for example. Jared was having a pretty rough day at school. Some of his schoolmates who thought of him as a dangerous competitor in their efforts to reach the peak of popularity had spent the whole afternoon teasing and laughing at him at the fact that Jared ‘had no mommy’.
That particular prank wasn’t new to Jared. He had heard it enough times growing up. But that didn’t mean he’d been immune to the effect it caused. The other kids knew it and it made him an easy target.
Of course, Jared missed his mother. Even though he couldn’t remember what she looked like except from a piece of her photograph his father had given him a few years ago. Jared knew his father had given him that so he would stop asking questions about his mother. He knew, but he didn’t stop at first. Until he was old enough to understand the stiffened expression his father had on his face each time he asked a question about her was a sign of him being uncomfortable. His father had been through enough anyway and he had done so many things to make sure Jared was fully loved, even when he only had a dad in his life.
So yes, Jared missed his mother every now and then. But in this kind of situation, Jared found himself missing his mother the most. The emptiness and lacking of feminine fingers caressing his hair; the absence of a soft voice calling out his name had then gotten to him in the worst way, leaving him sadder than ever.
Every time, he would do the only thing he could to make those bad emotions disappear. He’d play the piano, a certain song which --according to his father-- his mother used to like. It didn’t help much, but each time Jared played the song he would imagine that his mother was beside him, humming along to music created by his fingers on the keys. Jared always felt slightly better after.
As he was playing, he suddenly noticed Jensen across the room, staring at him. Jared kept on playing as Jensen took a few steps forward to approach him. Once close, Jensen didn’t say anything, just standing awkwardly beside the piano. But he was clearly listening to Jared’s play with interest. And in Jared’s mind, his mother was there, staring at Jensen with a question in her eyes.
That’s Jensen, Mother. He’s my new baby brother. Jared imagined himself saying those words to her. But as always his mother didn’t answer. Jared couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like and even in his most desperate imagination, Jared could never bring her out to say anything. It always felt like it would do an injustice for his mother to replace her true forgotten voice with any other one Jared had in mind.
Feeling another wave of sadness, Jared shook that thought away and focused on his playing instead. Jensen patiently waited until he finished the last note before cocking his head to the side, eyes staring intently at Jared’s face.
“You seem sad.” He said abruptly.
“I am.” Jared answered, not even bothered to lie.
Jensen was silent for a while, before turning his attention to the piano. “It was beautiful, Jared.” He said and then --at Jared’s questioning gaze-- quickly added. “You playing, I mean.” Another pause, and. “Can you teach me how to do that?”
Jared stared calculatingly at Jensen. Jared had never taught anyone how to play piano before, but his brother looked genuinely interested and teaching him might work as a diversion from the sadness he was feeling. So he shrugged and scooted over to give Jensen space to sit on the bench. “Sure. Come here.”
Jensen’s face lit up and Jared swallowed a smile. Jensen was always so easy to please. Jared wished he could be like that all the time. That way, he wouldn’t be bothered by those kids again, no matter what they said about his mother.
As soon as Jensen took his seat, Jared hovered his fingers above the piano keys. “Watch and try to imitate me once you get the moves, okay, Jen?”
Jensen’s forehead suddenly creased in worry and doubt, nervously licking his lower lips. So Jared nudged him with his shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. It isn’t as easy as it looks. But I’m sure you can do it.”
Jensen looked at Jared for a beat before returning his smile. Then Jared started playing slowly to make sure Jensen could catch every note. After a moment, Jensen’s hesitating fingers raised to press the piano keys too, his eyes flicked back and forth from Jared’s fingers to his own in order to make sure he played right.
As they were playing together --Jared’s fingers swiftly moving along to press key after key in a slow tempo while Jensen’s were stuttering in his best effort to imitate alongside him-- Jared couldn’t help but notice how Jensen’s hands were so small compared to him even though both of them were only a few years different in age, and that fondness towards his brother was there again, glowing inside him, making him smile all the way through their practice.
He repeated his actions for a few times until Jensen could play the song along quite well with him. Like always, Jensen was pretty quick in catching up and Jared couldn’t help but feel proud, already feeling much better about himself.
Later on, when they were in Jared’s room trying to pass the time by re-reading Jared’s old comic books, Jensen stared at him and asked, “Jared, why are you still looking sad?”
So then Jared told him everything, trying hard to hold back tears as he did that because crying in front of your baby brother was totally uncool.
When Jared was done, Jensen looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking in a sincere tone. “I could share my mom with you. She also likes to play with my hair and her touch is very gentle. You’ll like it. I’m sure she’ll play with yours too if you ask. She often bakes me delicious cookies, too. A cake, if it’s my birthday. When’s your birthday? We should ask her to bake you a cake on that day.”
And those strings of sentences touched Jared in so many ways. Because a mother is precious for every child, yet Jensen didn’t mind to share his with him. Jared wasn’t sure he could do the same if he was in Jensen’s shoes. If his mom was still around, he would cling to her, never let go and wouldn’t let her out of his sight, let alone share it with another kid. At that moment, Jared had this strong urge to hug Jensen tightly just so Jensen would know how much he appreciated his offer. But it’ll be kind of weird. Even his father had stopped hugging him once he was old enough to tie his own shoelaces. So Jared gave Jensen his widest smile instead. His throat felt clogged up and it made his voice hoarse as he said, “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Jensen returned his smile; concern had been erased from his face as he saw Jared’s face lit up. And a minute later, they were already involved in a heated discussion on how to persuade Mary to bake cookies for all of Jared’s classmates so they would see how wrong they were to think that Jared was different for having no mother to love him.
Ever since that day, Jared had never been bothered by the other kid’s continuous jeering on his mother, because Jared knew he was no longer lack of anything. He had a caring father who was always there to guide him whenever he was lost, a sweet and gentle Mary who baked him a delicious cake on his birthday and caressed his hair with her soft touch, and a cool baby brother who was willing to give anything to him.
He was complete.
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“I’ve never had a chance to express my gratitude on your generous offer that day.” Jared says after he ends his story, turning to stare at Jensen with gentle gaze. “You must know how much it meant to me when you said that I can have Mary as my mother too. Really, thank you so much, Jen.”
Jensen doesn’t answer, still trying to deal with the surprise and all the conflicting emotions swirling inside him from listening to Jared’s story.
“I was hoping for a fairy tale, or at least a joke, Jared.” Jensen tries to say something lightly after clearing his throat. “I never thought it’ll be some kind of history re-telling, that story of yours.”
Jared ducks his head down, smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. It just seems to me that there are too many speculations and assumptions lying around in our past, and I feel like I have to straighten things up a bit. You know, so there’ll be no more misunderstandings.” Jared‘s tone goes slightly lower and more serious in the last sentence.
Jensen finds himself nodding at that, unconsciously agreeing to what Jared said. He can feel Jared’s warm hand on his shoulder as he’s patting him before rising up to stand.
“That’s it for today, then.” Jared states, and Jensen’s face slowly lifts up to look at him. “I have to go now. There are some things I have to take care at the office. I guess I won’t be home in time for dinner, so just go on and eat without me, okay?”
Jensen nods again; eyes following as Jared walks away towards the house. But then Jared halts and turns around and Jensen can see his eyes staring deeply into his own as he says, “I’ll wait here on the same bench same time tomorrow, Jensen. I still have some more stories left to tell and I really hope you won’t mind listening to them again.”
It takes a full minute for Jensen to mumble an Okay and when he finally does, Jared offers him a thankful smile before turning back and resuming his walk.
The sun has started to set down and its reddened bursts of light illuminates the garden beautifully. The wind that was blowing breezily earlier has turned colder and as Jensen wraps his arms around his own body against the chilly air starting to surround him, he thinks it’s weird because somehow, somewhere inside his heart feels warmer than ever.
---00o00---
Jared has been sitting on the same bench when Jensen steps into the garden the next day. It looks like he wasn’t joking when he said it’d be the same place and the same time. Jensen feels a little hesitant at first, but he keeps on walking. Once he stops next to the bench, he can see Jared’s face lighting up, looking so relieved to see him. Jensen doesn’t blame him for doubting whether Jensen will come to keep the promise they made yesterday.
After all, up until fifteen minutes ago, he himself wasn’t sure either.
But he’s here now, and he has to admit he’s a little bit curious on what story Jared will share with him this time; which part of their history he’s going to re-tell.
Sitting down next to him, Jensen takes a deep breath and says, “Alright, you can start now.”
Jared grins at that. “Okay.” He replies, and then clearing his throat. “This particular story is kind of embarrassing for me. But I really need you to hear it. So I hope it’s okay.” Jared looks abashed and Jensen gulps down, wondering if he still wants to hear the story now that Jared had given him such warning. But Jared doesn’t wait for his answer because he then leans his back onto the bench, eyes looking upfront, and begins.
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Jared was totally bored out of his mind at the moment. His father was at work, while Mom went shopping with some of her friends straightly after she dropped off Jensen to his friend’s birthday party, leaving Jared alone at home with nothing to do because Jensen wouldn’t be home for until at least another hour.
He didn’t know how he had managed to become so dependent like this. He wasn’t like this before. Jared used to be fully capable of having fun on his own. He was once a single child, for God sake. And even though he had a bunch of friends who were only a phone call away, he usually preferred to do everything alone back then and he enjoyed it.
But now without Jensen beside him, he couldn’t have a good time. It was like there was something missing and Jared would find everything he did was useless and a big waste of time.
Jared wasn’t really complaining on this change in his life though. Jensen was so much fun to be around and even if they did fight every now and then (Jensen could seriously be a smart mouth sometimes), they would make up at the end of the day and got themselves re-attached to each other’s hips again. Jared didn’t care even when his friends had accused him of having a serious brother complex, especially after Jared succeeded in convincing them to take Jensen along whenever they hung out. Besides, despite their constant bitching, Jared knew deep down they liked Jensen too. Who wouldn’t?
Anyway, Jared had completely run out of ideas on how to pass the time. He’d tried watching TV for a boring fifteen minutes, tried making his favorite peanut sandwich snack and then savoring it slowly but overall it only took ten minutes of his time, tried playing video games but Jared was in the middle of tag-team playing with Jensen and he couldn’t move on to the next stage if Jensen didn’t play his part. He’d called his friends, telling them to come over but most of them weren’t home and for those who were, couldn’t go out unless they wanted their mothers to kill them for going out while grounded.
So it wasn’t really strange when Jared finally found himself hunching over his laptop as he was sitting on his bed, browsing for porn. It was sometimes amusing to watch a burly man pounding into a writhing and screaming woman beneath him. And if Jared was lucky and concentrated enough, maybe he would get hard this time and then he could spend the next few minutes jerking off. Though Jared seriously doubted it would happen.
Most of the times, Jared didn’t get why general porn or pictures of beautiful topless (and sometimes, bottomless) woman couldn’t do what it did to his other male friends: reducing them to drooling idiots with tenting pants.
And at those few times he did, he pretended he still didn’t get it so that he could elude the possibility of a serious teenager crisis happening to him.
After all, he was still 14 years old. It could just be one of those transitional period bullshits. Every teenager went through it somehow. So he figured he would too. One day. Surely.
Something caught his eyes, and he clicked that link titled ‘Hottest Kiss Ever’. It turned out it was a link to a video posted on one of those whatever-Tube sites, and it wasn’t even porn. Instead, what the video was showing to Jared at the moment was completely new to him. It was a scene of two guys, who looked like they were only in their teens, having a little bit of cheesy banter and then ended up kissing each other passionately for a full five minutes.
And Jared was conflicted because he knew what this was called. It was called gay -or faggot as it was referred by his friends, or homosexual as it was stated in that Guidance Book on Sexuality his school had given out to students last semester- and there was a part of his conscience that went berserk, telling him to close the webpage and continue looking for some more ‘normal’ video to watch. But then, there was also this part of him deep inside --a part that he always tried to keep discreet from other’s acknowledgement, a part which he himself always refused to acknowledge-- which was transfixed by the way those men’s tongues mingling with each other and it felt like the heat surrounding those actors’ bodies was floating through the screen and into Jared’s, pooling below his stomach. With horror, Jared realized he had become hard within the fastest period of time he could ever remember, and it was only from watching a kissing scene between two young men.
Feeling panicked all of a sudden, Jared’s hand quickly moved over the mouse to click the webpage close. He took a deep breath, trying to control himself. And that was when his bedroom door swung open and Jensen entered, still wearing his outdoor jacket. Jared’s breath was hitched as his eyes met Jensen’s green ones.
“Hey, Jared.” Jensen said cheerfully, oblivious to Jared’s little situation. “Guess what, mom brought us pizza for dinner. It’s cheese and pepperoni, our favorite. She told you to come down because Dad would be home in any minute now and we have to get ready for dinner.”
Jared didn’t replied, not trusting his own voice enough to speak. At that, Jensen’s forehead was creased. “Are you alright?”
Jared nodded. Looking around, he quickly fished out a pillow nearby and used it to cover his lap, hoping to God Jensen wouldn’t notice how he had become even harder than before at the sight of him.
God, what is wrong with him?!
Jensen didn’t notice, but to Jared’s fear he stepped closer towards the bed with a worried look on his face. “Jared? Your face is red. Are you sure you’re okay? Should I call Mom up here to have a look at you?”
“No! I’m okay, Jen!” Jared yelled, finally lost his composure from increasing fear and panic that was hitting him with every step Jensen took. “For God’s sake, I heard you. Can’t you just leave me alone for a minute?”
Jensen stopped dead on his track; he seemed to be taken aback by the sudden harshness in Jared’s voice. Jared knew it must have shocked him, because Jared had never raised his voice to him before. His father never had done that to him and that was how Jared was raised so Jensen was used to him speaking gently.
Jensen’s expression changed from concern to confusion and then to a kind of hurt. “Oh... Okay.” He stuttered, blinking his eyes repeatedly as he took a few steps back and Jared had this urge to punch himself. “I’m... I’m sorry. I’ll just wait for you downstairs, then.” He said, giving Jared a weak smile. And before Jared had a chance to say anything, he had turned back and disappeared behind the closed door.
Jared sat there staring blankly in the silence of his room, wondering how a simple and half-hearted browsing of porn could end up like this and whether Jensen would be willing to let go of what just happened if Jared apologized to him later after dinner.
Jensen probably would forgive him. He could never stay mad at Jared for long, though it was the first time for this kind of thing happened between them.
A painful throbbing on his crotch jerked Jared out of his thought and he groaned, hesitantly reaching his hand down to slip under his pants and began to stroke himself earnestly.
A few minutes passed but Jared found his cock was still as hard as ever even after he quickened his pace. He thought of giving up, knowing that he could always change to his bigger shirt to cover his hard-on before coming down to have dinner. Besides, he really wanted to get Jensen alone with him somewhere as soon as possible so he could apologize and made sure that the sad and hurting look Jensen had on his face earlier had been erased completely off his brother’s face.
But then, something even worse happened.
At the thought of Jensen, Jared’s cock gave these interested twitches under his stroking hand and before Jared knew it, he moaned loudly as an orgasm caught him off guard and he was coming all over the inside of his pants.
For a moment, the room was filled only with the sound of Jared’s labored breathing, until he was finally able to find his own voice and mumbled in confusion, “What the fuck?”
Later that night, Jared talked to Jensen --apologizing and trying to make him believe that Jared was only having a bad mood earlier-- which resulted in him earning Jensen’s usual warm happy smile and an instant acceptance of his apology. But Jared was still lying on his bed long after midnight before it was quite clear he wouldn’t be able to get to rest at all.
He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what had happened earlier, trying to guess every possible meaning behind it. And so far, Jared didn’t quite like what his brain had come up with. Because if any of those ideas his mind had suggested was true, then Jared seriously feared of what would become of him in the future.
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Jensen realizes he is blushing, and he knows Jared can see it clearly too from where he’s seated beside him.
“Sorry.” Jared says, hands brushing his hair awkwardly but Jensen can hear a smile in his voice. “I’ve told you it’d be one embarrassing story.”
Jensen wants to say something back, but his mind is still reeling a little bit from everything that he just heard. He had indeed remembered that moment. In fact it is one of his Jared-related memories that are kind of sticking out. Because like what Jared had told him, it was the first time Jared got mad at him, and he can still remember very well how sad and down it made him feel. But right now, to hear that there is that kind of side to the story he had never known before, Jensen feels so weird. It’s like this heavy weight he’s carrying around inside him for all this time has lighten a little.
“You know,” Jared suddenly speaks, keeping his gaze forward. “That time --when I was watching that video-- I believe that was the very first time I realized, fully realized, about my sexuality. Though the realization that you were the one I love only dawned on me a little bit later.” Jared pauses and grins. “But... I guess that’ll be another story.”
Jensen’s heart beat faster at the last statement. The temperature around him suddenly feels warmer as he can see with the corner of his eyes that Jared is now staring at him.
“Listen, Jen.” Jared says after a while. Gathering enough courage, Jensen turned to stare back at him. Their eyes meet and Jensen allows himself to savor this moment, trying to remember every details of the way Jared looking at him right now: full of love and adulation, and it’s so gentle that Jensen has to hold back his hand with all his might from reaching up and touch Jared’s cheek. He’s pretty sure this’ll be a great memory of Jared among the many other stashes and this particular memory alone will be able to get him passes cold and lonely nights long enough in the future.
“After you hear that story, I hope now you’ve understood that it was already you even from the beginning.” Jared continues with voice full of emotions. “It has always been you.”
And as he was staring at Jared’s gentle gaze at him, once again Jensen can feel this heavy weight in his chest lightening just a little bit more at hearing those words.
Continued on Part 2
If you'd like to (and I hope you would), please leave your comment on part 2 page.. Thank you very much... :)
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Special Note: Super thank you to mymuseandi a.k.a Lyn for helping me beta-ing this chapter. I owe you huge thanks, like I always do. :)
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
God, I painfully realized that it took me almost a YEAR and a half to finish this chapter. To tell the truth, in some points it got too much and I was all ready to dump this story away and move on. But your comments and PMs had greatly refrained me from doing so. It gave me spirit -more than I could ever imagine- to stop whining and instead wrecked my brain out to continue writing it. I'm really sorry for dragging it out too long, guys. I wasn't proud of it but I hope you all can forgive me and find this chapter suits your taste.
I know I promised Tom and Mike's arrival on Padalecki's doorstep, but it turns out I have to save their appearance for another chapter, what with this chapter itself has been amount up to more than 15000 words. I never planned for this part to be so lengthy, but my fingers seemed like they had a mind of their own. LOL. Don't worry though. I believe it'll just be two more long chapters and I'll end this story for good. Writing this apparently has taken a huge toll on me and I need to think twice before starting to write another epic piece.
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who has read this series up to this point. I am even more grateful to those who had left comments and encouragement for me to continue, despite my lack of response... T______T
tishawyman, super hug for all your support and endless yet heartwarming pokes. Really can't thank you enough. I'd love to have a convo with you but I am a handicap here without proper internet connection... I haven't had a chance to read your Supernatural Christmas Story, though. I bet it'll be awesome, so I promise I'll check on it later. <3
pollyspn, ever since I read your long and analytic comment on the last chapter, I've been putting you high on my thankyou-list. I've never read a long description of my story that's so attentive and detailed like what you write in your comment. And truthfully I'm so touched because of it. Thank you. Plus for all the Brazilian hugs you gave me. :D
inanna_maat, I really appreciate your offer to make the art cover for this series' OST. Seriously, I can't be more happy, because I suck so bad in art. LOL. I hope you haven't taken back the offer yet. I'll contact you by PM when the time is right. I hope it's fine with you. Thank you again~!
All of you who have been loyal readers and commenters (calijirl5150, northnelson, fanofsuper, idiot4dean, sn_24lover, patriciagissel1, my kinky reader a_phoenixdragon, shelgrainger2, naisica, dramaa_princess, and everyone of you whom I can't possibly mention one by one). I really hope you'll stick to the end of this story. I love you all....
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 :: Chapter 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 :: Chapter 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14 :: Chapter 15
Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17 :: Chapter 18 :: Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Only the memories linger from the days we were together.
Is erasing you the only way to go on living?
Memories spring up in my mind from the days we were together
Is sending you away the only way to go on living?
(Don’t go) Please don’t leave
(Don’t go) But I love you
(Don’t go) You will leave me all alone
Please, Please, Please
Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go
Stupidly I still live for you
Where are you?
I need you so much
Oh baby, my only one
Please stop and come back now
Just tell me this is a joke
Simply return to me
I wanted to live for you forever
In time I grow tired of meeting that love
As much as the pain
As much as the exhaustion
I erase you and try to forget
But there you are, still in my mind
I know you are hurting as much as I am
I know you are as tired as I am
Comeback to me
My unforgettable one
Please stop and come back now
Just like before,
Simply return to me
(Brown Eyes - Gajima [Don't Leave])
Jared Padalecki always thinks of himself as a man with strong will and is capable of finding the appropriate (or sometimes inappropriate) means in order to get what he wants.
He also thinks of himself as a man who possesses great reasoning and immovable stubbornness, difficult to unhinge and is proud of it.
So even though Jared spent most of last night sitting on the edge of his bed and staring blankly at the wall, feeling helpless and lost and desperate, he woke up this morning with a firm decision: he will never, ever, give up.
This isn’t the end yet. And even if it takes his last breath away, he refuses to allow this to be the end.
Jensen will have to give Jared many more blows than he already had to make him finally raise the white flag and back away.
Jared doesn’t want to think about this certain possibility, but even if the worst happen when he runs out of time and has to watch Jensen’s back as he walks away from this house and from him, he certainly won’t just stand still and do nothing.
Contacting Mr. Gray had been the first thing Jared did this morning. And as usual, Mr. Gray was listening carefully as Jared told him his detailed requests.
Keeping an eye on Jensen while he’s still here living his so-called last days in the house will be like a walk in the park for the old detective. But once Jensen has packed his bag and leaves, that’s when things will surely get a little tricky. Jensen is after all has this troublesome talent to disappear off the face of the earth when he wants it, as Jared can attest to by experience. So he emphasizes to Mr. Gray that he must do everything in his power to keep track of Jensen, using any means available, so that he can report back to Jared with the Jensen’s exact location and let Jared do the rest of the work.
Jared’s perfectly aware that he’s planning to break his own promise, but he just doesn’t care anymore. No matter what he does, Jensen just fails to see what Jared has in mind for both of them and the thought makes him sigh. Jensen has been through a lot of suffering because of what Jared had done and he is just being cautious for his own good, Jared painfully gets that. After all, Jared has the same fear. The thought of him one day putting a hurt look on Jensen’s face once again like he had many times before has always succeed in hitting him with a nauseous wave. Life has never been predictable after all. But Jared refuses to abandon his feelings for Jensen (not that he can even if he wants to) just because of some paranoid ideas. It’ll be stupid and cowardly and Jared likes to think he is above all that. If only Jensen knows that things had never been easy for Jared too, then the younger man might be able to bring himself to forgive Jared and give both of them another chance.
And just like that, a thought clicks in his mind. Jared lays back on his chair, mulling over the thought carefully, slowly extricating a plan. By the time he’s done, there’s a determined look is on his face as he reaches for the phone and dials Jeff’s number.
If he wants this plan to at least have a chance of succeeding, he’ll need all the time he can get alone with Jensen. That said, he has to get Jeff out of the picture.
The jerk will bitch, of course. But he’ll comply. He doesn’t want Jensen to leave too and he’s already at the end of his wits, having gotten a full taste of Jensen’s stubbornness. If his plan had been different, Jared is sure he can always use Jeff’s favor.
But what he has in mind is a game for two. And it’s only he and Jensen who can play it.
---00o00---
Jensen wipes the sweat running down along his jaw with the back of his hand before sighing as he finishes trimming the last rose bush. Jeff isn’t coming today, just like he wasn’t yesterday. Judging from his grim tone through the phone as he was complaining to Jensen about the work load he had to finish before the end of this week, Jensen knows he won’t be able to come to visit on the next few days too.
And it sucks, that’s what this is, because Jensen can really use some friendly conversation right now to distract his own mind from all these thoughts running around inside his head.
It’s going to be just less than a week left before Jensen packs his bag and leaves this house, for good this time. And he’ll miss Jeff for sure. Jeff is a newly-found friend whose existence somehow has become very important in Jensen’s life. Jensen doesn’t know how, but Jeff understands him. And for someone whose life is complicated like Jensen, understanding is a golden value.
The train of thought brings Jared’s particular question that night to fleet inside Jensen’s mind.
If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Jeff still stays?
Jensen smiles bitterly as he packs up gardening tools scattered on the ground around him. Even if Jensen can find words to answer that question, he still thinks Jared won’t be able to understand.
Jeff is a laid back guy, easy going. He is someone whose job has allowed him to see enough of this world to know that lots of things aren’t how they supposed to be sometimes; to understand that shit happens, leading him to try to accept all the odds trailing behind. No matter how bizarre they may be.
But Tom and Mike are different. They’re just normal country boys, trying to live their hard life to the fullest without letting their principles and prides go down the drain. Tom goes to church every Sunday and even when he always has to drag an annoyed Mike along with him everytime, Jensen had seen Mike enough times slipping inside confession chamber and coming out all red and puffy eyed. Their horrible past of dealing with gay bashing and the fact that their own parents disowned them right after they decided to come out of the closet had caused both of them to protect their pride like crazy. Mike told him one night that no matter what happens, he would never, ever, let another person degrade him again for being himself.
Jensen can still remember that time when the bar had to be shut down temporarily due to recession; three of them were left jobless without their usual steady pay for a few months. They had to tighten their belts, scraping any part-time job they could get, including distributing flyers for a night club to pedestrians -hunching in the biting cold on the side of the street as they distributed them. That was when this guy --all sleek suit and expensive leather shoes-- approached Tom and proposed him a simple fuck and pay. The next thing Jensen saw was a furious Mike rushing past him towards the guy and in just a few seconds, his expensive suit already ruined when Mike slammed him down onto the pavement. Mike hovered above his lying body and pinned him as he continued to deliver punch after punch onto his face long after the guy stopped wriggling.
It took both Jensen and Tom to drag Mike away, still furiously yelling at the unconscious and thoroughly beaten guy beneath him. A crowd was forming around them and all of a sudden they were so terrified someone had called the police that the three of them fled from the scene as fast as they could.
Later, when they were in the safety of their own apartment, Tom slapped Mike across the cheek so hard with his trembling hand that Jensen could see Mike staggering back down a bit. But Tom’s enraged question of ‘what the hell was it you think you were doing, you fucking moron?!’ was met with a heated gaze and a stubborn stance. Mike’s voice was hoarse yet determined when he said after a moment, “We are indeed fags, Tommy. There were times when I get beaten down just for trying to hold your hands, and I could deal with that. But nobody, nobody, can call us whore and just walk away because that’s a whole new level of insult that I can never tolerate. No matter what difficulties we have to put up with, at the very least, we still hold on to our dignity, even when there’s only a little shred of it.”
The memory of Tom’s eyes brimming with tears after, still in shock but silently agreeing to those statements is enough to make Jensen cringes.
No, Jared will never understand why keeping that particular dark side of his life to Tom and Mike is so important for Jensen; to make sure they will never know what he’d done or else, he’d lose the remaining people in his life and Jensen won’t be able to live with that.
Even the fact that by doing this means he can’t afford to see them both again, at least it’s an enough knowing that they both will still be out there somewhere, missing him and loving him and remembering him as the same person he was instead of hating him for what he has become.
“I forgot how beautiful this garden could be when somebody actually pays attention to it.”
Startled, Jensen looks up and sees Jared standing across him and his heart involuntarily skips a beat. It’s the first time he sees Jared after that night. He seems to be avoiding him since Jensen kept finding himself having his meals alone in the dining room. And to tell the truth, Jensen can’t help but feel a little sad at the lack of Jared’s presence.
Along with his looming departure from the house, lately Jensen somehow feels the dire need to see Jared’s face, to hear his loving words to Jensen said from across the dinner table and his throaty laugh. He wants to have enough time to map out all of Jared in a way he had never been able to before. There used to be just horrible and painful memories. There used to be just Jared’s glare, and his cold hatred, and his stabbing words. But now Jensen wants to savor the sight of Jared in this new light: the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he always looks at Jensen as if they’re the only two people in this whole wide world. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or it’s just nothing but Jensen’s imagination, Jensen needs to soak up every single of Jared’s loving gesture because soon those memories will be the only thing he can ever have. It’ll be the only thoughts that will occupy his mind on each upcoming night when the loneliness gets too much and he can no longer pretend that he has moved on. In those moments, his only choice will be to retract those tiny fragments of Jared out of his memory; trying to make himself believe the woven lie and fantasy that he was, once, loved.
Shaking the thought off his head, Jensen forces himself to focus on the older man in front of him.
“They look good.” Jared nods toward the rose bushes Jensen is currently working on, his gaze showing sincere appreciation and Jensen feels his cheeks gets a little warmer.
Jensen smiles a bit and mumbles, “Thanks.”
Jared smiles back and for a moment there’s no word traded between them as he’s just watching Jensen’s scrambling to finish clearing away his gardening tools.
“So,” Jared says lightly when Jensen is finally on his feet. “I take it you’re done here?”
Jensen stares at him, “... Yeah.” Looking around, he shrugs his shoulders. “I have planned to plant more roses. There’re still some more seeds left back in the shed. But I think I’ll just get to it tomorrow.”
“Great. So now might be a perfect time to ask you a favor.” Jared replies with a smile, looks nervous.
“What favor?”
Jared shrugs. “Well, I’ve thought about what you said the other night. And... to tell the truth I still don’t want you to go. But I realize that things have changed now. So I have to change too. I can’t --shouldn’t-- stop you from doing what you want anymore.” Jared takes one step closer, eyes kind but sharp as he stares at Jensen. “But that also means, before you finally leave, I still have time and you can’t stop me from still trying to fight for you, Jen. You understand that, don’t you?”
Jensen doesn’t answer, just stares back at Jared with a carefully blank expression -almost defensive- and it makes Jared sigh. “Look, all I’m asking is for you to sit right there on that bench with me and listen as I’m telling you some stories. Will that be okay with you?”
Jensen glances at the direction of the said bench and looks back at Jared with an eyebrow cocked up, voice wary. “That’s it? You just want me to listen to your stories?”
Jared nods, trying to give Jensen an assuring smile. His hands gesture openly as he says, “I swear that is it. I only need you to be my audience.”
And that’s how Jensen finally finds himself sitting on one of the garden’s benches, Jared beside him. The wooden seat feels warm from friendly heat of the sun. Occasionally, gentle breezy wind blows and Jensen watches with weird sense of calmness as it strokes Jared’s curls along with each slow gust.
Jensen counts to five before clearing his throat and asks, “Alright, we’re seating. What story you’re going to tell me?”
Jared doesn’t answer right away, instead his lips quirk into a small smile. He looks ahead of him and another blow of wind strokes his hair again. Only after a while then he turns his gaze to Jensen, still smiling and his eyes are twinkling with amusement.
“Do you still remember that first time I taught you how to play piano?”
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They had only become brothers for two months, but Jared found himself getting along really well with Jensen within a surprisingly short time. Jensen started to tail behind him everywhere Jared went, got along with Jared’s friends with ease, and absorbed every rule of cool games Jared taught him so quickly that Jared couldn’t help but felt proud when together they aced most of those games against other children.
Jensen was a fun companion to be with and the way he looked at Jared sometimes as if Jared was his hero always succeeded in making Jared’s inside glow with warmth. So no, Jared had never minded Jensen’s presence alongside him. Not even when one night the rain poured down so heavily outside and Jared found Jensen standing in front of his bedroom door clutching on to his blanket, flinching each time a sound of thunder booming from above the house. He ended up sleeping with Jensen that night on his bed, patting Jensen’s trembling back in his effort to comfort him. They often shared a bed ever since and it was strange as Jared soon realized that somehow he had never dreamed of that dream again where he woke up in the middle of the night and walked along the house’s hall with tears streaked on his face, only to find nobody anywhere.
Jared had never thought the idea of having a little brother would actually be pretty cool. But the moments he spent with Jensen made everything seem so much better in Jared’s life.
Take tonight for example. Jared was having a pretty rough day at school. Some of his schoolmates who thought of him as a dangerous competitor in their efforts to reach the peak of popularity had spent the whole afternoon teasing and laughing at him at the fact that Jared ‘had no mommy’.
That particular prank wasn’t new to Jared. He had heard it enough times growing up. But that didn’t mean he’d been immune to the effect it caused. The other kids knew it and it made him an easy target.
Of course, Jared missed his mother. Even though he couldn’t remember what she looked like except from a piece of her photograph his father had given him a few years ago. Jared knew his father had given him that so he would stop asking questions about his mother. He knew, but he didn’t stop at first. Until he was old enough to understand the stiffened expression his father had on his face each time he asked a question about her was a sign of him being uncomfortable. His father had been through enough anyway and he had done so many things to make sure Jared was fully loved, even when he only had a dad in his life.
So yes, Jared missed his mother every now and then. But in this kind of situation, Jared found himself missing his mother the most. The emptiness and lacking of feminine fingers caressing his hair; the absence of a soft voice calling out his name had then gotten to him in the worst way, leaving him sadder than ever.
Every time, he would do the only thing he could to make those bad emotions disappear. He’d play the piano, a certain song which --according to his father-- his mother used to like. It didn’t help much, but each time Jared played the song he would imagine that his mother was beside him, humming along to music created by his fingers on the keys. Jared always felt slightly better after.
As he was playing, he suddenly noticed Jensen across the room, staring at him. Jared kept on playing as Jensen took a few steps forward to approach him. Once close, Jensen didn’t say anything, just standing awkwardly beside the piano. But he was clearly listening to Jared’s play with interest. And in Jared’s mind, his mother was there, staring at Jensen with a question in her eyes.
That’s Jensen, Mother. He’s my new baby brother. Jared imagined himself saying those words to her. But as always his mother didn’t answer. Jared couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like and even in his most desperate imagination, Jared could never bring her out to say anything. It always felt like it would do an injustice for his mother to replace her true forgotten voice with any other one Jared had in mind.
Feeling another wave of sadness, Jared shook that thought away and focused on his playing instead. Jensen patiently waited until he finished the last note before cocking his head to the side, eyes staring intently at Jared’s face.
“You seem sad.” He said abruptly.
“I am.” Jared answered, not even bothered to lie.
Jensen was silent for a while, before turning his attention to the piano. “It was beautiful, Jared.” He said and then --at Jared’s questioning gaze-- quickly added. “You playing, I mean.” Another pause, and. “Can you teach me how to do that?”
Jared stared calculatingly at Jensen. Jared had never taught anyone how to play piano before, but his brother looked genuinely interested and teaching him might work as a diversion from the sadness he was feeling. So he shrugged and scooted over to give Jensen space to sit on the bench. “Sure. Come here.”
Jensen’s face lit up and Jared swallowed a smile. Jensen was always so easy to please. Jared wished he could be like that all the time. That way, he wouldn’t be bothered by those kids again, no matter what they said about his mother.
As soon as Jensen took his seat, Jared hovered his fingers above the piano keys. “Watch and try to imitate me once you get the moves, okay, Jen?”
Jensen’s forehead suddenly creased in worry and doubt, nervously licking his lower lips. So Jared nudged him with his shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry. It isn’t as easy as it looks. But I’m sure you can do it.”
Jensen looked at Jared for a beat before returning his smile. Then Jared started playing slowly to make sure Jensen could catch every note. After a moment, Jensen’s hesitating fingers raised to press the piano keys too, his eyes flicked back and forth from Jared’s fingers to his own in order to make sure he played right.
As they were playing together --Jared’s fingers swiftly moving along to press key after key in a slow tempo while Jensen’s were stuttering in his best effort to imitate alongside him-- Jared couldn’t help but notice how Jensen’s hands were so small compared to him even though both of them were only a few years different in age, and that fondness towards his brother was there again, glowing inside him, making him smile all the way through their practice.
He repeated his actions for a few times until Jensen could play the song along quite well with him. Like always, Jensen was pretty quick in catching up and Jared couldn’t help but feel proud, already feeling much better about himself.
Later on, when they were in Jared’s room trying to pass the time by re-reading Jared’s old comic books, Jensen stared at him and asked, “Jared, why are you still looking sad?”
So then Jared told him everything, trying hard to hold back tears as he did that because crying in front of your baby brother was totally uncool.
When Jared was done, Jensen looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking in a sincere tone. “I could share my mom with you. She also likes to play with my hair and her touch is very gentle. You’ll like it. I’m sure she’ll play with yours too if you ask. She often bakes me delicious cookies, too. A cake, if it’s my birthday. When’s your birthday? We should ask her to bake you a cake on that day.”
And those strings of sentences touched Jared in so many ways. Because a mother is precious for every child, yet Jensen didn’t mind to share his with him. Jared wasn’t sure he could do the same if he was in Jensen’s shoes. If his mom was still around, he would cling to her, never let go and wouldn’t let her out of his sight, let alone share it with another kid. At that moment, Jared had this strong urge to hug Jensen tightly just so Jensen would know how much he appreciated his offer. But it’ll be kind of weird. Even his father had stopped hugging him once he was old enough to tie his own shoelaces. So Jared gave Jensen his widest smile instead. His throat felt clogged up and it made his voice hoarse as he said, “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Jensen returned his smile; concern had been erased from his face as he saw Jared’s face lit up. And a minute later, they were already involved in a heated discussion on how to persuade Mary to bake cookies for all of Jared’s classmates so they would see how wrong they were to think that Jared was different for having no mother to love him.
Ever since that day, Jared had never been bothered by the other kid’s continuous jeering on his mother, because Jared knew he was no longer lack of anything. He had a caring father who was always there to guide him whenever he was lost, a sweet and gentle Mary who baked him a delicious cake on his birthday and caressed his hair with her soft touch, and a cool baby brother who was willing to give anything to him.
He was complete.
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“I’ve never had a chance to express my gratitude on your generous offer that day.” Jared says after he ends his story, turning to stare at Jensen with gentle gaze. “You must know how much it meant to me when you said that I can have Mary as my mother too. Really, thank you so much, Jen.”
Jensen doesn’t answer, still trying to deal with the surprise and all the conflicting emotions swirling inside him from listening to Jared’s story.
“I was hoping for a fairy tale, or at least a joke, Jared.” Jensen tries to say something lightly after clearing his throat. “I never thought it’ll be some kind of history re-telling, that story of yours.”
Jared ducks his head down, smiles knowingly. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. It just seems to me that there are too many speculations and assumptions lying around in our past, and I feel like I have to straighten things up a bit. You know, so there’ll be no more misunderstandings.” Jared‘s tone goes slightly lower and more serious in the last sentence.
Jensen finds himself nodding at that, unconsciously agreeing to what Jared said. He can feel Jared’s warm hand on his shoulder as he’s patting him before rising up to stand.
“That’s it for today, then.” Jared states, and Jensen’s face slowly lifts up to look at him. “I have to go now. There are some things I have to take care at the office. I guess I won’t be home in time for dinner, so just go on and eat without me, okay?”
Jensen nods again; eyes following as Jared walks away towards the house. But then Jared halts and turns around and Jensen can see his eyes staring deeply into his own as he says, “I’ll wait here on the same bench same time tomorrow, Jensen. I still have some more stories left to tell and I really hope you won’t mind listening to them again.”
It takes a full minute for Jensen to mumble an Okay and when he finally does, Jared offers him a thankful smile before turning back and resuming his walk.
The sun has started to set down and its reddened bursts of light illuminates the garden beautifully. The wind that was blowing breezily earlier has turned colder and as Jensen wraps his arms around his own body against the chilly air starting to surround him, he thinks it’s weird because somehow, somewhere inside his heart feels warmer than ever.
---00o00---
Jared has been sitting on the same bench when Jensen steps into the garden the next day. It looks like he wasn’t joking when he said it’d be the same place and the same time. Jensen feels a little hesitant at first, but he keeps on walking. Once he stops next to the bench, he can see Jared’s face lighting up, looking so relieved to see him. Jensen doesn’t blame him for doubting whether Jensen will come to keep the promise they made yesterday.
After all, up until fifteen minutes ago, he himself wasn’t sure either.
But he’s here now, and he has to admit he’s a little bit curious on what story Jared will share with him this time; which part of their history he’s going to re-tell.
Sitting down next to him, Jensen takes a deep breath and says, “Alright, you can start now.”
Jared grins at that. “Okay.” He replies, and then clearing his throat. “This particular story is kind of embarrassing for me. But I really need you to hear it. So I hope it’s okay.” Jared looks abashed and Jensen gulps down, wondering if he still wants to hear the story now that Jared had given him such warning. But Jared doesn’t wait for his answer because he then leans his back onto the bench, eyes looking upfront, and begins.
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Jared was totally bored out of his mind at the moment. His father was at work, while Mom went shopping with some of her friends straightly after she dropped off Jensen to his friend’s birthday party, leaving Jared alone at home with nothing to do because Jensen wouldn’t be home for until at least another hour.
He didn’t know how he had managed to become so dependent like this. He wasn’t like this before. Jared used to be fully capable of having fun on his own. He was once a single child, for God sake. And even though he had a bunch of friends who were only a phone call away, he usually preferred to do everything alone back then and he enjoyed it.
But now without Jensen beside him, he couldn’t have a good time. It was like there was something missing and Jared would find everything he did was useless and a big waste of time.
Jared wasn’t really complaining on this change in his life though. Jensen was so much fun to be around and even if they did fight every now and then (Jensen could seriously be a smart mouth sometimes), they would make up at the end of the day and got themselves re-attached to each other’s hips again. Jared didn’t care even when his friends had accused him of having a serious brother complex, especially after Jared succeeded in convincing them to take Jensen along whenever they hung out. Besides, despite their constant bitching, Jared knew deep down they liked Jensen too. Who wouldn’t?
Anyway, Jared had completely run out of ideas on how to pass the time. He’d tried watching TV for a boring fifteen minutes, tried making his favorite peanut sandwich snack and then savoring it slowly but overall it only took ten minutes of his time, tried playing video games but Jared was in the middle of tag-team playing with Jensen and he couldn’t move on to the next stage if Jensen didn’t play his part. He’d called his friends, telling them to come over but most of them weren’t home and for those who were, couldn’t go out unless they wanted their mothers to kill them for going out while grounded.
So it wasn’t really strange when Jared finally found himself hunching over his laptop as he was sitting on his bed, browsing for porn. It was sometimes amusing to watch a burly man pounding into a writhing and screaming woman beneath him. And if Jared was lucky and concentrated enough, maybe he would get hard this time and then he could spend the next few minutes jerking off. Though Jared seriously doubted it would happen.
Most of the times, Jared didn’t get why general porn or pictures of beautiful topless (and sometimes, bottomless) woman couldn’t do what it did to his other male friends: reducing them to drooling idiots with tenting pants.
And at those few times he did, he pretended he still didn’t get it so that he could elude the possibility of a serious teenager crisis happening to him.
After all, he was still 14 years old. It could just be one of those transitional period bullshits. Every teenager went through it somehow. So he figured he would too. One day. Surely.
Something caught his eyes, and he clicked that link titled ‘Hottest Kiss Ever’. It turned out it was a link to a video posted on one of those whatever-Tube sites, and it wasn’t even porn. Instead, what the video was showing to Jared at the moment was completely new to him. It was a scene of two guys, who looked like they were only in their teens, having a little bit of cheesy banter and then ended up kissing each other passionately for a full five minutes.
And Jared was conflicted because he knew what this was called. It was called gay -or faggot as it was referred by his friends, or homosexual as it was stated in that Guidance Book on Sexuality his school had given out to students last semester- and there was a part of his conscience that went berserk, telling him to close the webpage and continue looking for some more ‘normal’ video to watch. But then, there was also this part of him deep inside --a part that he always tried to keep discreet from other’s acknowledgement, a part which he himself always refused to acknowledge-- which was transfixed by the way those men’s tongues mingling with each other and it felt like the heat surrounding those actors’ bodies was floating through the screen and into Jared’s, pooling below his stomach. With horror, Jared realized he had become hard within the fastest period of time he could ever remember, and it was only from watching a kissing scene between two young men.
Feeling panicked all of a sudden, Jared’s hand quickly moved over the mouse to click the webpage close. He took a deep breath, trying to control himself. And that was when his bedroom door swung open and Jensen entered, still wearing his outdoor jacket. Jared’s breath was hitched as his eyes met Jensen’s green ones.
“Hey, Jared.” Jensen said cheerfully, oblivious to Jared’s little situation. “Guess what, mom brought us pizza for dinner. It’s cheese and pepperoni, our favorite. She told you to come down because Dad would be home in any minute now and we have to get ready for dinner.”
Jared didn’t replied, not trusting his own voice enough to speak. At that, Jensen’s forehead was creased. “Are you alright?”
Jared nodded. Looking around, he quickly fished out a pillow nearby and used it to cover his lap, hoping to God Jensen wouldn’t notice how he had become even harder than before at the sight of him.
God, what is wrong with him?!
Jensen didn’t notice, but to Jared’s fear he stepped closer towards the bed with a worried look on his face. “Jared? Your face is red. Are you sure you’re okay? Should I call Mom up here to have a look at you?”
“No! I’m okay, Jen!” Jared yelled, finally lost his composure from increasing fear and panic that was hitting him with every step Jensen took. “For God’s sake, I heard you. Can’t you just leave me alone for a minute?”
Jensen stopped dead on his track; he seemed to be taken aback by the sudden harshness in Jared’s voice. Jared knew it must have shocked him, because Jared had never raised his voice to him before. His father never had done that to him and that was how Jared was raised so Jensen was used to him speaking gently.
Jensen’s expression changed from concern to confusion and then to a kind of hurt. “Oh... Okay.” He stuttered, blinking his eyes repeatedly as he took a few steps back and Jared had this urge to punch himself. “I’m... I’m sorry. I’ll just wait for you downstairs, then.” He said, giving Jared a weak smile. And before Jared had a chance to say anything, he had turned back and disappeared behind the closed door.
Jared sat there staring blankly in the silence of his room, wondering how a simple and half-hearted browsing of porn could end up like this and whether Jensen would be willing to let go of what just happened if Jared apologized to him later after dinner.
Jensen probably would forgive him. He could never stay mad at Jared for long, though it was the first time for this kind of thing happened between them.
A painful throbbing on his crotch jerked Jared out of his thought and he groaned, hesitantly reaching his hand down to slip under his pants and began to stroke himself earnestly.
A few minutes passed but Jared found his cock was still as hard as ever even after he quickened his pace. He thought of giving up, knowing that he could always change to his bigger shirt to cover his hard-on before coming down to have dinner. Besides, he really wanted to get Jensen alone with him somewhere as soon as possible so he could apologize and made sure that the sad and hurting look Jensen had on his face earlier had been erased completely off his brother’s face.
But then, something even worse happened.
At the thought of Jensen, Jared’s cock gave these interested twitches under his stroking hand and before Jared knew it, he moaned loudly as an orgasm caught him off guard and he was coming all over the inside of his pants.
For a moment, the room was filled only with the sound of Jared’s labored breathing, until he was finally able to find his own voice and mumbled in confusion, “What the fuck?”
Later that night, Jared talked to Jensen --apologizing and trying to make him believe that Jared was only having a bad mood earlier-- which resulted in him earning Jensen’s usual warm happy smile and an instant acceptance of his apology. But Jared was still lying on his bed long after midnight before it was quite clear he wouldn’t be able to get to rest at all.
He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what had happened earlier, trying to guess every possible meaning behind it. And so far, Jared didn’t quite like what his brain had come up with. Because if any of those ideas his mind had suggested was true, then Jared seriously feared of what would become of him in the future.
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Jensen realizes he is blushing, and he knows Jared can see it clearly too from where he’s seated beside him.
“Sorry.” Jared says, hands brushing his hair awkwardly but Jensen can hear a smile in his voice. “I’ve told you it’d be one embarrassing story.”
Jensen wants to say something back, but his mind is still reeling a little bit from everything that he just heard. He had indeed remembered that moment. In fact it is one of his Jared-related memories that are kind of sticking out. Because like what Jared had told him, it was the first time Jared got mad at him, and he can still remember very well how sad and down it made him feel. But right now, to hear that there is that kind of side to the story he had never known before, Jensen feels so weird. It’s like this heavy weight he’s carrying around inside him for all this time has lighten a little.
“You know,” Jared suddenly speaks, keeping his gaze forward. “That time --when I was watching that video-- I believe that was the very first time I realized, fully realized, about my sexuality. Though the realization that you were the one I love only dawned on me a little bit later.” Jared pauses and grins. “But... I guess that’ll be another story.”
Jensen’s heart beat faster at the last statement. The temperature around him suddenly feels warmer as he can see with the corner of his eyes that Jared is now staring at him.
“Listen, Jen.” Jared says after a while. Gathering enough courage, Jensen turned to stare back at him. Their eyes meet and Jensen allows himself to savor this moment, trying to remember every details of the way Jared looking at him right now: full of love and adulation, and it’s so gentle that Jensen has to hold back his hand with all his might from reaching up and touch Jared’s cheek. He’s pretty sure this’ll be a great memory of Jared among the many other stashes and this particular memory alone will be able to get him passes cold and lonely nights long enough in the future.
“After you hear that story, I hope now you’ve understood that it was already you even from the beginning.” Jared continues with voice full of emotions. “It has always been you.”
And as he was staring at Jared’s gentle gaze at him, once again Jensen can feel this heavy weight in his chest lightening just a little bit more at hearing those words.
Continued on Part 2
If you'd like to (and I hope you would), please leave your comment on part 2 page.. Thank you very much... :)