[Series]Reaching For Happiness, JaredxJensen (18/?)
Author:freedomthisway
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: R for this chapter
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoided him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 :: Chapter 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 :: Chapter 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14 :: Chapter 15
Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17
Author notes:
It has been like, almost 3 months, since I last updated.
I've given up trying to seek forgiveness from all of you. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I'm not worth getting it. Besides, it's going to be redundant. And in this case, redundancy has never been a good thing, don't you think?
I'll end up taking too long in updating the story once again anyway, and you'll get tired listening to the old sob story on how my muse is such a bitch and keeps running away from me. T________T
So to keep you all from feeling nauseated, I'll just present you this next chapter in all its lameness glory.
Chapter 18
The way things are progressing, Jared can’t help but feel like a huge jerk all over again.
Jensen is now sitting next to him, huddled on the edge of the backseat as far away from Jared as possible and lost in his own thought as he’s looking out of the car’s window on their trip back home. The atmosphere between them, to put it simply, is tense.
Jared sighs.
To be honest, he didn’t mean to do it like this.
He had intended to work his way into Jensen slowly. His hatred had hurt Jensen, but if the younger man is willing to forgive and forget about it eventually, Jared is also more than willing to accept the fact that it’s going to take the rest of his life for it to happen.
But then Jensen looked at him like that --pain and tears inside his dark eyes-and all his good intentions had suddenly gone down the drain. He was overpowered with this crazy urge to embrace Jensen and kiss his sadness away.
The next thing he knew was Jensen’s soft lips under his ravaging ones.
Jared realized that it was cruel and sly to do it when Jensen was far too weak and confused to punch him on the face and yell don't. His guilt was almost as huge as the satisfaction he got from noticing Jensen’s helpless reaction to the kiss, because at that moment, Jensen was actually kissing him back.
For Jensen the trigger might be years filled with heartaches and longing. As for Jared, it was love and lust and regret and so many other things he couldn’t even put his finger on. But the fact remains; the kiss was shaking both of them to the core.
Some things, some people, now are forever out of Jared’s reach. But the kiss proved that the feelings he and Jensen had towards each other were still pretty much alive.
And if it wasn’t for Jensen’s insecurity suddenly freaked him out and made him back down, Jared is pretty sure they would’ve ended up sweaty and awkward on that very hospital bed.
Jensen was right after all. Everything always has to be like how Jared wants it to be.
Jared had never given much thought on it before, but now he does.
He was the only son in the family before Jensen came in, and he was too used to get what he wished for. He was still so young when everything was starting to fall apart, forcing him to step up front and take over the control of his own life and many other people working for his family. He had been bearing burdens of works and life and lots of other responsibilities attached to him after his father’s breaking down, making tough decisions, not to mention taking risks. And at the end of the day, the tendency to lead and overpower everything becomes a solid part of him, so naturally that he had never even once questioned it.
Jensen’s stern rejection had made him frustrated. He was lost, and hated the feeling of it. That was part of the reasons why he kissed Jensen. Aside from the fact that kissing him had been on Jared’s top of wish list since forever, he did it to return the control of the situation into his grip.
It’s truly an irony since right now Jared still feels as clueless and lost as ever, if not even more. Now that Jared knows how it feels to kiss Jensen; how intoxicating those lips feel beneath his; how it was even better compared even to his most vivid dreams of kissing him; well, it’s only fair to describe this situation as the worst fuck up he’s ever had in his life.
Their driver’s soft announcement of we’re here, Sirs pulls Jared out of his thoughts.
Glancing out of the window, Jared can see the Padalecki residence’s huge metal gate from afar. His eyes flick towards Jensen and he instantly creases his forehead in concern.
Jensen is no longer slumping on his seat. Instead, his body has turned rigid, and there’s obvious anxiety and panic on his face.
Jared’s heart is constricted as he is watching Jensen silently. The car finally passes through the gate and Jared clears his throat. “We’re home, Jen.” He said in a soft voice, hoping somehow it’ll calm Jensen down.
Jensen looks at him with unreadable expression for a moment before his eyes go even darker and those lips form a bitter smile. “Home, is it?” Jensen turns to gaze at the building outside and continues with a whisper. “That house is never a home for me, Jared. You of all people should know that, shouldn’t you?”
Blinking, Jared realizes he has no answer to that.
---00o00---
There are loads of guest rooms in this huge house and yet --much to Jensen's annoyance-- Jared made him stay in the same room where he did the last time he was here. The exact room where he used to wonder and dream and want just one thing but ended up losing almost everything, even himself.
Talking about one clueless bastard.
Sighing, Jensen moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Staring at his backpack, Jensen realizes he still has some unpacking to do. But he's not in the mood, and there isn't that much to be unpacked anyway.
Flopping his back on the bed, Jensen draws a long sigh.
He can't shake away this sense of massive deja-vu as he realizes that he's here once again, feeling so fucked up and filled with this desire to just run and leave this house --for different reasons altogether this time.
He really wants to tell himself that he's somehow tricked --swindled-- to be stuck in this horrifyingly familiar situation. But that would be a lie.
He knows full well how and why he's here. That damn Jared had no doubt put some tricks into it to happen, but Jensen was definitely sober --and pretty much resentful-- when he gave Jared an okay.
There's just no use regretting it. He can do it. He's been a slut for three full years now after all. He's a fucking expert when it comes to this, isn't he?
He just needs to try to act professionally. He should never let his emotions run him by while he's trapped under the roof of this house because every time he lets his feelings gets the better of him, he's fucked. And not just literally.
So yeah. He just has to put on this façade for another month. Hopefully less. He'll knock some understanding inside Jared's head, making sure to crush all of his stupid illusions on this relationship between both of them getting all fixed up and happy.
And then, only then, he could walk out and leave all this tragedy behind. He'd start anew. Living an anonymous life, sheltering himself in solitary because nobody needs him so why the hell would he need anyone?
He wouldn't care if it's going to be lonely, if it's going to be dark and shady and pathetic. He wouldn't give a damn, even if it's going to be a journey to crash-and-burn in the end.
What matter is: he'll be himself. He'll be in peace. He'll be safe.
And no one could ever hurt him again.
---00o00---
It’s night already and Jensen is agitated. If Jared really intends to keep their end of the deal, he should start telling Jensen to bend over some table or kneel on the floor somewhere by now and make a good use of his mouth. A quickie would be much better because then it’ll mean Jensen’s job is done for tonight and he can retreat back to his room, counting seconds to inevitable tomorrow.
But here they are instead: eating dinner in civilized manner that doesn’t even help to ease the eerie atmosphere.
Tableware is clinking soundly in the midst of silence stretches between them.
Jensen isn’t feeling hungry at all. In fact, he’s starting to feel bile crawling up his throat from the tension. But he hoards down his food like there’s no tomorrow anyway because by doing so he can ignore Jared’s burning gaze on him from across the table.
To tell the truth, Jensen doesn’t enjoy this silence. He’s been expecting Jared to say something, anything. Just so Jensen can move on things to how they’re supposed to be. Jensen has to make sure that Jared won’t forget on how he is just the whore and Jared is just the client. Facing each other in silence with heavy emotions swirling in the air is never a definition of whore-client interaction on Jensen’s book.
However, some parts of him also want to let them keep doing this, all night if it’s possible. The thought of touching Jared anywhere or, worse, letting Jared touch him somewhere is making him shiver in uncertainty and anxiety. But he prefers it hands down rather than creating a chance for them to talk. He really doesn't think he can afford the emotional consequences he’ll surely get from it. That’s why after swallowing his last bite, Jensen wipes his mouth carefully and finally looks up at Jared.
“So, I’m full.” Jensen announces, leaning back on his seat and glancing at Jared’s still full plate. “Since I can see that you’re not hungry, don’t you think we should get on to the main show now?”
Jared blinks. “What?”
Jensen shrugs. “Well, you know. Now that we’re here, I think it’s time for you to tell me your kinkiest fantasies, and I’ll see what I can do to fulfill it.”
The statement looks like it punches Jared in the face, and he leans back, big hands wipes over his face. “Can’t… Can’t we just… you know, talk?”
Jensen refrains from rolling his eyes. Why I am not surprised?
The younger man chooses to ignore the pleading. Slowly, Jensen rises up from his seat and walks over to where Jared is still seating, trying hard to ignore that despite his resolution to keep things professional, his heart is beating like mad inside his chest. When he’s near enough, he waits, and curses a few seconds later because Jared is still not moving, just watching Jensen with horror on his face.
“Look, I can’t do my job like this, Jared. Or do you want me to blow you from under the table instead?” Jensen glances to inspect the said table. “It’ll be a little uncomfortable, but I think I can manage it.” He continues and starts pulling chairs aside to make a way. Suddenly, Jared’s hand is on his, stopping him from what he’s doing and Jensen can’t help but closes his eyes at the feel of Jared’s skin. He silently counts to three before opening them and throws a questioning glare to Jared.
Jared swallows visibly, but he doesn’t retract his hands. “It’s… It’s not that I don’t want this, Jensen. God knows I do. But this is not how I want it to be done.” Jared’s gaze at Jensen is deep and filled with emotions as he’s slightly pressing his hands. “Now that I have you here around me once again, this is never how I dreamt it to be done. Can’t you at least spare some time for us to talk things out?”
Jensen narrows his eyes. “We had a deal, Jared.” He growls, emphasizing each and every syllable because he’s angry now for so many reasons he can’t even comprehend. Quickly, he reaches out to hold Jared’s collar and yanks him up, ignoring the loud sound when the chair Jared was seating on tumbles back due to the force. It isn’t an easy task to do, hauling a giant bigger than himself up on his feet. But fury always gives Jensen extra strength, and once he gets Jared to stand facing him, Jensen falls down on his knee and works quickly on Jared’s zipper, pulling it down with efficient fingers.
Jared feels burning hot inside his grip, already half hard and Jensen swallows. He feels Jared’s trying to step back and his grips is hardened mercilessly in his effort to stop him. That earns a growled whimper from the older man. Looking up, Jensen says with gritted teeth. “Stop acting like a coward. Be a man and take it all or I swear if you don’t let me do my job I’ll fucking bail and leave this damn house before you can even blink.”
Jared freezes at hearing that, fear and panic in his gaze, and Jensen takes that chance to give Jared’s cock a first lick. Jared’s lips spurt out something that sounds a lot like guh and Jensen smirks. “Moan if you like because that would be the only kind of conversation we’ll have.” He says before slipping all of Jared’s cock between his full lips and into the warmth of his mouth like an expert that he is.
Jared’s hips are starting to buck up as Jensen bobs his head forward and back, stopping to suck every now and then. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Jared’s hands falls hard over the side of the table, gripping it hard to get balance. Moans and growls are sounding like they were ripped out of Jared’s throat and fuck if that doesn’t make Jensen swallow deeper and suck harder.
Because now he understands it. Now he can see how doing this is torturing Jared in a way it’s not supposed to be. It is too much and it’s hurting the older man in anyway possible. The realization is only doing nothing but sparking Jensen up to increase his ministrations on Jared’s cock, knowing that each string of pleasure Jared gets is a painful experience; a severe punishment. And Jensen is determined to make sure Jared feels the whole misery he can create from his tugging and sucking and lapping over the sensitive flesh he holds captive under his merciless fingers and even more ruthless tongue.
It isn’t long before Jared’s body shuddering hard, letting out a choking sound when Jensen sucks him hard one last time and releases his cock out of those swollen lips with a loud pop. Jared’s hands are gripping the side of the table for support as he’s coming hard all over Jensen fingers.
For the next few minutes, the only sound heard in the room is Jared’s racing breath. Jensen watches blankly as some of the white come is trickling off his fingers onto the floor and he waits. He waits for some sense of satisfaction to kick in inside him.
But there’s none of that. Instead, Jensen feels very sick like he’s never felt before and he must struggle to keep from throwing up his dinner.
Slowly, he raises his gaze up to look at Jared’s face. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but what he sees makes his stomach churns horribly.
Jared is staring at him, eyes all glazed up. And for a moment, they are just trading stares, witnessing how bad they have broken the others. When a bead of tear is finally falling down over Jared’s toned cheek, Jensen quickly looks away because the sadness visible inside Jared’s eyes is just too much for him.
“Jensen…” Jared calls out his name after a while in this broken tone and it makes Jensen scramble to rise up to stand, clears his throat as he is drying the come off his hands on his pants, still refuses to meet Jared’s eyes.
“I think we’re done here." Jensen says with hoarse voice. "I’ll just go back to my room.” Without waiting for Jared’s answer, he turns around and leaves the room.
---00o00---
Jared looks like he didn’t get any sleep last night. Jensen revels in the fact that apparently he’s not the only one who is bugged the hell out by the degree of their fucked up situation.
Jensen really hopes what happened last night would somehow wear Jared out; stopping him from thinking that whatever it is they have between them can be salvaged. But it looks like Jensen has to try harder, because Jared is still there, giving Jensen a bit cautious but hopeful look as they’re eating their breakfast.
He slices his sausage fiercely, knowing that he still has long way to go to earn his peace.
“So, what are you planning to do today?” Jared asks him, breaking the silence.
Jensen flicks his gaze up at Jared. Putting his knife and fork down, he reaches the napkin and wipes his mouth. “I’m not really sure, Jared. Usually, it’s my client who tells me what to do. You know, the usual ‘bend-over-there-and-take-it’ stuff?” Jensen shrugs, thrilled to know that Jared has stupidly given him yet another chance to put some oil into the fire with his question. “What do you want me to do today?”
Jared’s eyes are darkened for a full minute, but if Jensen’s words get to him, he doesn’t show it further. He just lowers his gaze down back onto his plate and acts like Jensen doesn’t say a thing.
It looks like this time he refuses to take part in Jensen’s little ‘i’ll-fuck-you-up’ game. What a shame, Jensen thinks absentmindedly.
Deciding that this is kind of a boring situation, Jensen finishes his water and rises up to stand.
“Where are you going?” Jared asks, looked alarmed.
“Relax. I won’t go anywhere.” Jensen said casually, checking his watch, and the words he said next are sounded nothing but cynical. “It’s time for you to go to work, Jared. Don’t be a lazy bum and show up in the office on time like a professional businessman that you are, and I promise I’ll be a good little slut and waits for you to come home.”
Jared chooses not to reply at that but Jensen just couldn't care less. He can feel Jared's eyes on him as he is walking to leave the dining room; his figure disappears behind the door.
---00o00---
To tell the truth, Jensen is far too ashamed to be standing here in front of his mother’s grave. If only Mary was still alive, Jensen couldn’t for the life of him imagine what she would say when she found out what kind of human Jensen had become. Maybe, she would just look at Jensen with sadness clouding her beautiful face, and asked why.
Life happens to me, Mom. That’s why, is what Jensen would have answered. His life, to be more exact, because Jensen is pretty sure that he’s the only person on earth who is leading such tragic life.
But he has no intention to be all emotional and teary like how he had been the last time he was here. He has learned his lesson after all.
He must never rely on anyone or anything ever again, not even on the comfort of spilling out his misery in front of his beloved mother’s grave. He knows that the only person who can help him is himself.
Smiling bitterly, Jensen swats some dust and dried leaves from on top of his mother’s tomb. That’s when he hears Jared’s voice behind him.
“It’s been a long time, is it?”
Jensen doesn’t answer, doesn’t even bother to turn around. And he is sure as hell isn’t trying to hide the annoyance on his expression.
Jared steps forward to stand right beside him, and Jensen almost fidgets at the proximity.
Almost.
“You’re not going to work?” Jensen asks, crouching down to pluck out some grasses at the bottom of his mother’s tomb. He notices Jared has already dressed up in his working suit.
“There’s still time.” Jared answers after a while and his gaze is scalding Jensen's back.
“Hey,” Jared said after a few minutes passed, breaking the silence with suddenly cheerful voice. “Remember that apple tree in the middle of the garden right there? We used to climb it up and stayed on top of it for the whole afternoon. We were talking about our dreams until we were running out of words to say, or just playing our cloud game to see who could get free back rub later in bath time.” He chuckles. “And then Mom would found out. She would call out to us with worries in her face and ended up giving us a long lecture and scowling for the whole night. But we would still do it again the next day.”
Jensen turns his gaze towards the garden on the side. His eyes find the said tree and for a moment he doesn’t say anything.
“Nope, I don’t.” Jensen finally replies with a lie, putting his attention back to the grasses below, shrugging. “The only vivid thing I can recall from that garden is that those shady trees there had always been a good place to hide from your father, even if it’s only for a while.”
Jensen said the words casually, almost monotone without any hints of venom. But still, as the meaning of the sentence sinks in inside Jared’s mind, the older man’s face is scrunched right up with regret.
“God, Jensen…” Jared stutters, the cheerful voice is gone, replaced with this broken and torn up ones. “I didn’t know. I really didn’t.”
Jensen’s hands’ movements are halted for a moment when he hears that. He kind of feels like slapping his own mouth, because the direction of where this conversation is leading is definitely not what he had in mind when he spurted out the statement. He simply wanted to create an awkward atmosphere to get Jared to shut up and just leave him alone.
Gritting his teeth, Jensen decides to ignore Jared completely and resumes on doing his grass-plucking.
“Back then, I was too wrapped up inside my own feelings. I was trying so hard that I couldn’t see anything else.” Jared continues, sounds distant and hurting. “How I wished things weren’t the way they are, Jensen. If you only knew how I regret those years back so much.”
Jensen’s fingers are unconsciously forming a fist. Great, now the bastard just won’t stop blabbing.
Jensen really can’t stand it: those excuses Jared just keeps throwing at him. Hearing them is only fueling up his anger more, and the next thing he knows is he’s growling at Jared to shut up.
It brings the silence back, until Jared says something that pulls Jensen’s attention on him.
“I hate him.”
Jensen is looking at Jared past his shoulder. Standing there blocking the morning sun, Jared’s figure is forming a silhouette. His face is facing left, staring at something somewhere behind his mother’s tomb. Jensen shivers because even when he can’t see Jared’s expression clearly, he can feel something dark radiating from Jared’s body. Following the direction of Jared’s gaze, Jensen realizes that the older man is staring at Thomas’ grave.
“I tried not to think about it, Jensen. What he did and how he had destroyed almost everything and everyone around him without me realizing even the slightest bit of it. God, how I hate him for those.” Jared's wavering voice holds in so many disappointments, questions -- fulminations. “He is my father. He was the person I looked up to. Always had been. And at first I was trying to deny what’s already clear. But no matter how I shut my mind closed, the truth will always be there, poking my head and constantly nagging. And I can’t help the way this hatred for him has been growing inside me since then. It’s so contradictory from how I used to be that it hurts, but that’s the truth. I loathe my own father and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The statement surprised Jensen. And somewhere inside, his heart is clenching with grieve. Because he fucking knows how Jared used to feel about his own father. Hell, it was one of the main problems that had landed them in this mess they’re in right now.
But as much as he regrets how things had become, Jensen has been through enough shit and he can no longer bring himself to care. He rises up to stand, flinging the plucked grass in his grips aside. His voice is full of calm menace when he says, “Don’t be too harsh on him Jared. Because if you can see how many similarities you two share, you’d end up hating yourself too.”
Jensen is about to walk away when suddenly Jared’s grip catches his hand, stopping him.
Staring at those strong fingers circling his wrist, Jensen turns his gaze at Jared and tries not to flinch at all those shadows he’s witnessing swirling inside Jared’s eyes.
“I have. ” Jared says, his voice is thick with emotions. “Can’t you see it, Jen? I can’t even look straight into my reflection in the mirror now without wanting to throw up. What you said back then in the hospital had made me realized how I had become too much like my father. And I’ve abhorred myself since then, more than you can imagine. Because I know that I am worse than him. At least my father was brave enough to die with his sins. To get what he deserves and take whatever punishment hell delivers onto him.”
Jensen can feel the grip on his wrist is tightening.
“But I am not like that, not at all. I made terrible mistakes just like my father did, but I’m still trying to make you forgive and forget. I’m still persevering to get my life back, struggling to reach my long lost happiness. I still want you to be by my side, just like how I always do.”
Jensen is too caught up in his own emotion that he doesn’t even realize it when Jared takes one step closer towards him, his red-rimmed eyes cautiously watches him. And he continues in this voice so low that it’s almost like a whisper. “I am nothing like my father. I’m much more shameless and selfish and greedy and I despise myself for it. But isn’t that how humans are? We always think that we are the most perfect creature God had ever created, but the fact is we are so full of flaws. We make mistakes, we’re doing things we’re not proud of, and at the end of the day we’ll realize what we’ve done wrong and get down on our knees to beg for second chance. Just like what I’m trying to do to you now.”
Jensen grits his teeth. “I’m not God, Jared. Take your begging for forgiveness somewhere else.” He shakes his hand, trying to break free. But Jared just won’t let go.
“I screwed up, so I’m not God either.” Jared replies, soft and repentant but is still annoyingly determined. “You need to think about it, Jensen. I’m just a human. A remarkably low and unbearably horrible human. And we all know that my biggest sin is not to God. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why no matter what you do, I will never give up.”
Jensen doesn’t respond to that, simply looks away and it makes Jared get even more frustrated. “Look, all I’m saying is… Can’t we… just start over? I know we can do it. It’ll be hard. And nothing will be like how it used to, but we’ll manage. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll do everything to chalk up our past into mere bad memories. I’ll make you happy. I’ll make us happy. All you have to do is just give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you.”
Saying those, Jared waits. Because Jensen still refuses to look at him, just staring somewhere at the side with his jaws tightened. Then he finally turns to look at Jared, only to give him this long unreadable look.
Jared is already on the edge of his toes now, thinking he must soon be driven crazy by all this hope and expectation inside him. But after a while, Jared is dreading at the way Jensen’s mouth slowly forms this bitter and sad smile, face all scrunched up and broken.
“No, Jared.” Jensen’s lower lip is trembling as he says it and Jared holds this urge to scream and shake Jensen’s shoulder hard because he just doesn’t know what else he should do anymore.
“Jensen..,” Jared pleads, feeling like he has lost it. Desperation is clearly showed in his face. “Please, Jensen... Please, just listen to me.” And then he lets Jensen’s hand go, just so he can reaches out and holds both Jensen’s cheek with his palms, dying with this need to be connected to Jensen in any way.
Jensen shakes his head, panic at the sudden closeness. The initial anger starts to double inside him due to Jared’s perseverance and roughly he pushes Jared away, scrambling to step back and looked like he's terrified beyond words.
“Stop it.” Jensen hisses, backing away another step when Jared tries to shorten the distance between them. “Stop this, dammit, or I swear to God I’ll do what I did to you last night right here in front of our parents’ graves just to make you shut up.”
And that does it.
Jared freezes on the spot at hearing the threat. Jensen blinks, and a tear is falling over his cheek. “Go.” Whispering, Jensen shuts his eyes closed in his effort to control his emotion. “Please, Jared. Just… leave me alone.” He pleads, followed by silence.
Jensen isn’t sure how many minutes have passed, but when he finally opens his eyes again, Jared is already gone. That’s when he finally allows his feet to give up, his body slumps down heavily onto the grass.
The fear makes him feel so weak and tired, and he seriously thinks that he really can’t do this any further. He thought he could. But he can’t.
It’s far too dangerous, because even then, he was almost swayed by Jared’s words. He was so close to believe that good things can still happen to him. All hopes and dreams of life and love he had buried deep inside him almost surged up, and it almost led him to be once again trapped inside an illusion. He said no but the truth is he almost -he had wanted to-- said yes.
His logic was kicking in on the last second and Jensen feels relieved. But he might not be that lucky next time.
However, Jensen realizes he has no other option but to bear with it. He had agreed and he must do anything he can to survive this one month. Because he knows if he decides to bail, Jared will never learn that what he’s trying to do is just pointless. That bastard will keep chasing him to the end of the world. Jared is too fucking persistent like that.
If he leaves now, he’ll never get his peace. And that thought scares him even more.
Taking deep breaths, Jensen gathers his strength and rises up to stand.
---00o00---
What happened in the morning takes its toll on both of them in the night. And after three days of living the same pattern, Jared’s too tired and too angry to fight back. So tonight he helplessly decides to be on the same page with Jensen.
Jared isn’t cornered against any dining table this time. They’ve moved past that. They didn’t want to risk being caught up by some random servant in this kind of fucked up situations after all. Instead, Jared’s back is plastered on one side of the wall inside his study and kneeling before him is Jensen, once again working his way into Jared’s pants.
He can only remember vaguely how they ended up here. There is always a lot of silence and not much of a conversation in the beginning, and the next thing he knows is the feel of Jensen’s heated grip around him.
Jared reaches out and runs his fingers over Jensen's hair before tugging it roughly to get that mouth closer, silently urging the younger man to just get on with it already. He can see Jensen's eyes glisten in annoyance. It seems like he's a little surprised to see Jared being this rough and eager, acting almost like he's daring Jensen to completely destroy him.
But Jared pays no attention and just shuts his eyes closed. Desperation and anger that has been piling up for days makes Jared refuse to be compliant. Compliance doesn’t work and it seems like anything else doesn’t either and Jared is barely hanging on to his sanity here.
Those walls Jensen has built around him are far too high and the way Jensen keeps giving him stubborn rejections over and over again is getting too much for Jared.
He knows it only has been almost a week since he brought Jensen back. He knows he should have had more patience.
But patience has never been one of Jared’s virtues, especially when he almost runs out of time. There are already too few options of methods and even fewer choices of words available for Jared in his effort to set things right. And within a week, Jensen had forced him to use up all of them for nothing.
Jared couldn’t help but feeling desperate, and when Jensen starts doing that thing he does with his tongue, he has no choice but to thrust up eagerly --almost violent-- until he hears Jensen make this choking sound. Ignoring it, Jared eases himself down into the heavenly heat that is Jensen’s mouth and tries his hardest to empty his mind while he’s at it.
This is what Jensen wants. This is the only thing Jensen is willing to give him for now. It’s the only thing Jared can do to make Jensen stay.
In the end, a man has to do what a man has to do. So Jared takes what he can get.
However, to be getting off on this is a totally different case from actually feeling good about it. Because each time the pleasure ripples inside Jared, it also breaks him into pieces. Each pleasant wave is a cruel reminder to what Jared had lost and hadn’t yet regained. The way they’re always doing this so heartlessly is throwing him into such depth of despair and Jared shuts his eyes closed as tightly as he could to prevent the tears that have been welling up on his eyes from falling.
Jensen is tugging and sucking in all the right places and pretty soon, hopeless as he always has been towards Jensen’s skillful touches, Jared is tightening his fists when he feels the heat build inside him fast. When it finally explodes, his brain automatically shuts down at the unbearable pressure, makes him sees and feels nothing but stars and white hot bliss as he’s letting out this feral groan and comes all over Jensen’s hand.
The feel of tears is cold against the heated skin of his cheeks.
---00o00---
Later that night, Jared is still pacing back and forth in his study, lost inside his thought.
Judging from zero development he acquired on the situation he has with Jensen, Jared can easily picture how they will spend the rest of their days together just like this: tension and anger in the day, lust and desperation in the night. Destroying each other with nothing accomplished. Jared’s heart is clenching painfully just by imagining the prospect of it.
Reality shows that he’s driven into the corner now and he realizes he must do something, think of anything he can do to stop this vicious cycle.
And that’s when that idea hits him.
He has thought of it before and to be honest, at first he didn’t like the idea even for a bit. Not that it’s different now because if he seriously considers on carrying it out, then there won’t be just the two of them in this matter anymore.
There’ll be three.
And as much as he respects and trusts that third party, Jared is far too deprived of Jensen’s attention to share.
But from where Jared sees it, he has no options left. It is the only way. If by doing so he can earn Jensen’s favor back, Jared would be more than willing to suck it up.
The sound of clock ticking is clearly heard in the quiet house and it had been hours since Jensen casually wiped up his fingers covered with Jared’s come all over his pants and retreated to his room with solemn expression on his face. Jared’s face is burrowed when the memory of it plays inside his head over and over again.
With heavy steps Jared approaches his desk. He’s unconsciously gnawing on his lower lip, even as he hesitantly picks up the phone receiver and dials. He's listening to the ringing on the other side of the line for a whole minute and flinches when finally a raspy and hoarse voice is heard through the receiver. “Fuck, Jared, it’s fucking midnight. You’d better be dying or is having your house burnt to the ground as we speak. Or else I swear I’ll come over and kill you in the morning for making this shitty call.”
Jared doesn’t reply, jaws tightening for some more seconds -his last attempt of contemplation-- before clearing his throat and reluctantly speaks in a low voice.
“Jeff, I need your help.”
TBC
PS: Comments are ultimately appreciated. To tell the truth, re-reading comments are the only thing that keeps me from raising a white flag and just giving up on this story completely. So, yeah, comments are priceless.
But, considering how I've become such a jerk for stalling my updates, maybe I don't deserve any. Or, you know, whatever. I'm just sorry for being a disappointment to my readers. T__________T
Those of you who are still on board with me: Thank You. I hope you'll like this one too, BBs.
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: R for this chapter
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoided him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 :: Chapter 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 :: Chapter 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14 :: Chapter 15
Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17
Author notes:
It has been like, almost 3 months, since I last updated.
I've given up trying to seek forgiveness from all of you. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I'm not worth getting it. Besides, it's going to be redundant. And in this case, redundancy has never been a good thing, don't you think?
I'll end up taking too long in updating the story once again anyway, and you'll get tired listening to the old sob story on how my muse is such a bitch and keeps running away from me. T________T
So to keep you all from feeling nauseated, I'll just present you this next chapter in all its lameness glory.
Chapter 18
The way things are progressing, Jared can’t help but feel like a huge jerk all over again.
Jensen is now sitting next to him, huddled on the edge of the backseat as far away from Jared as possible and lost in his own thought as he’s looking out of the car’s window on their trip back home. The atmosphere between them, to put it simply, is tense.
Jared sighs.
To be honest, he didn’t mean to do it like this.
He had intended to work his way into Jensen slowly. His hatred had hurt Jensen, but if the younger man is willing to forgive and forget about it eventually, Jared is also more than willing to accept the fact that it’s going to take the rest of his life for it to happen.
But then Jensen looked at him like that --pain and tears inside his dark eyes-and all his good intentions had suddenly gone down the drain. He was overpowered with this crazy urge to embrace Jensen and kiss his sadness away.
The next thing he knew was Jensen’s soft lips under his ravaging ones.
Jared realized that it was cruel and sly to do it when Jensen was far too weak and confused to punch him on the face and yell don't. His guilt was almost as huge as the satisfaction he got from noticing Jensen’s helpless reaction to the kiss, because at that moment, Jensen was actually kissing him back.
For Jensen the trigger might be years filled with heartaches and longing. As for Jared, it was love and lust and regret and so many other things he couldn’t even put his finger on. But the fact remains; the kiss was shaking both of them to the core.
Some things, some people, now are forever out of Jared’s reach. But the kiss proved that the feelings he and Jensen had towards each other were still pretty much alive.
And if it wasn’t for Jensen’s insecurity suddenly freaked him out and made him back down, Jared is pretty sure they would’ve ended up sweaty and awkward on that very hospital bed.
Jensen was right after all. Everything always has to be like how Jared wants it to be.
Jared had never given much thought on it before, but now he does.
He was the only son in the family before Jensen came in, and he was too used to get what he wished for. He was still so young when everything was starting to fall apart, forcing him to step up front and take over the control of his own life and many other people working for his family. He had been bearing burdens of works and life and lots of other responsibilities attached to him after his father’s breaking down, making tough decisions, not to mention taking risks. And at the end of the day, the tendency to lead and overpower everything becomes a solid part of him, so naturally that he had never even once questioned it.
Jensen’s stern rejection had made him frustrated. He was lost, and hated the feeling of it. That was part of the reasons why he kissed Jensen. Aside from the fact that kissing him had been on Jared’s top of wish list since forever, he did it to return the control of the situation into his grip.
It’s truly an irony since right now Jared still feels as clueless and lost as ever, if not even more. Now that Jared knows how it feels to kiss Jensen; how intoxicating those lips feel beneath his; how it was even better compared even to his most vivid dreams of kissing him; well, it’s only fair to describe this situation as the worst fuck up he’s ever had in his life.
Their driver’s soft announcement of we’re here, Sirs pulls Jared out of his thoughts.
Glancing out of the window, Jared can see the Padalecki residence’s huge metal gate from afar. His eyes flick towards Jensen and he instantly creases his forehead in concern.
Jensen is no longer slumping on his seat. Instead, his body has turned rigid, and there’s obvious anxiety and panic on his face.
Jared’s heart is constricted as he is watching Jensen silently. The car finally passes through the gate and Jared clears his throat. “We’re home, Jen.” He said in a soft voice, hoping somehow it’ll calm Jensen down.
Jensen looks at him with unreadable expression for a moment before his eyes go even darker and those lips form a bitter smile. “Home, is it?” Jensen turns to gaze at the building outside and continues with a whisper. “That house is never a home for me, Jared. You of all people should know that, shouldn’t you?”
Blinking, Jared realizes he has no answer to that.
---00o00---
There are loads of guest rooms in this huge house and yet --much to Jensen's annoyance-- Jared made him stay in the same room where he did the last time he was here. The exact room where he used to wonder and dream and want just one thing but ended up losing almost everything, even himself.
Talking about one clueless bastard.
Sighing, Jensen moves to sit on the edge of the bed. Staring at his backpack, Jensen realizes he still has some unpacking to do. But he's not in the mood, and there isn't that much to be unpacked anyway.
Flopping his back on the bed, Jensen draws a long sigh.
He can't shake away this sense of massive deja-vu as he realizes that he's here once again, feeling so fucked up and filled with this desire to just run and leave this house --for different reasons altogether this time.
He really wants to tell himself that he's somehow tricked --swindled-- to be stuck in this horrifyingly familiar situation. But that would be a lie.
He knows full well how and why he's here. That damn Jared had no doubt put some tricks into it to happen, but Jensen was definitely sober --and pretty much resentful-- when he gave Jared an okay.
There's just no use regretting it. He can do it. He's been a slut for three full years now after all. He's a fucking expert when it comes to this, isn't he?
He just needs to try to act professionally. He should never let his emotions run him by while he's trapped under the roof of this house because every time he lets his feelings gets the better of him, he's fucked. And not just literally.
So yeah. He just has to put on this façade for another month. Hopefully less. He'll knock some understanding inside Jared's head, making sure to crush all of his stupid illusions on this relationship between both of them getting all fixed up and happy.
And then, only then, he could walk out and leave all this tragedy behind. He'd start anew. Living an anonymous life, sheltering himself in solitary because nobody needs him so why the hell would he need anyone?
He wouldn't care if it's going to be lonely, if it's going to be dark and shady and pathetic. He wouldn't give a damn, even if it's going to be a journey to crash-and-burn in the end.
What matter is: he'll be himself. He'll be in peace. He'll be safe.
And no one could ever hurt him again.
---00o00---
It’s night already and Jensen is agitated. If Jared really intends to keep their end of the deal, he should start telling Jensen to bend over some table or kneel on the floor somewhere by now and make a good use of his mouth. A quickie would be much better because then it’ll mean Jensen’s job is done for tonight and he can retreat back to his room, counting seconds to inevitable tomorrow.
But here they are instead: eating dinner in civilized manner that doesn’t even help to ease the eerie atmosphere.
Tableware is clinking soundly in the midst of silence stretches between them.
Jensen isn’t feeling hungry at all. In fact, he’s starting to feel bile crawling up his throat from the tension. But he hoards down his food like there’s no tomorrow anyway because by doing so he can ignore Jared’s burning gaze on him from across the table.
To tell the truth, Jensen doesn’t enjoy this silence. He’s been expecting Jared to say something, anything. Just so Jensen can move on things to how they’re supposed to be. Jensen has to make sure that Jared won’t forget on how he is just the whore and Jared is just the client. Facing each other in silence with heavy emotions swirling in the air is never a definition of whore-client interaction on Jensen’s book.
However, some parts of him also want to let them keep doing this, all night if it’s possible. The thought of touching Jared anywhere or, worse, letting Jared touch him somewhere is making him shiver in uncertainty and anxiety. But he prefers it hands down rather than creating a chance for them to talk. He really doesn't think he can afford the emotional consequences he’ll surely get from it. That’s why after swallowing his last bite, Jensen wipes his mouth carefully and finally looks up at Jared.
“So, I’m full.” Jensen announces, leaning back on his seat and glancing at Jared’s still full plate. “Since I can see that you’re not hungry, don’t you think we should get on to the main show now?”
Jared blinks. “What?”
Jensen shrugs. “Well, you know. Now that we’re here, I think it’s time for you to tell me your kinkiest fantasies, and I’ll see what I can do to fulfill it.”
The statement looks like it punches Jared in the face, and he leans back, big hands wipes over his face. “Can’t… Can’t we just… you know, talk?”
Jensen refrains from rolling his eyes. Why I am not surprised?
The younger man chooses to ignore the pleading. Slowly, Jensen rises up from his seat and walks over to where Jared is still seating, trying hard to ignore that despite his resolution to keep things professional, his heart is beating like mad inside his chest. When he’s near enough, he waits, and curses a few seconds later because Jared is still not moving, just watching Jensen with horror on his face.
“Look, I can’t do my job like this, Jared. Or do you want me to blow you from under the table instead?” Jensen glances to inspect the said table. “It’ll be a little uncomfortable, but I think I can manage it.” He continues and starts pulling chairs aside to make a way. Suddenly, Jared’s hand is on his, stopping him from what he’s doing and Jensen can’t help but closes his eyes at the feel of Jared’s skin. He silently counts to three before opening them and throws a questioning glare to Jared.
Jared swallows visibly, but he doesn’t retract his hands. “It’s… It’s not that I don’t want this, Jensen. God knows I do. But this is not how I want it to be done.” Jared’s gaze at Jensen is deep and filled with emotions as he’s slightly pressing his hands. “Now that I have you here around me once again, this is never how I dreamt it to be done. Can’t you at least spare some time for us to talk things out?”
Jensen narrows his eyes. “We had a deal, Jared.” He growls, emphasizing each and every syllable because he’s angry now for so many reasons he can’t even comprehend. Quickly, he reaches out to hold Jared’s collar and yanks him up, ignoring the loud sound when the chair Jared was seating on tumbles back due to the force. It isn’t an easy task to do, hauling a giant bigger than himself up on his feet. But fury always gives Jensen extra strength, and once he gets Jared to stand facing him, Jensen falls down on his knee and works quickly on Jared’s zipper, pulling it down with efficient fingers.
Jared feels burning hot inside his grip, already half hard and Jensen swallows. He feels Jared’s trying to step back and his grips is hardened mercilessly in his effort to stop him. That earns a growled whimper from the older man. Looking up, Jensen says with gritted teeth. “Stop acting like a coward. Be a man and take it all or I swear if you don’t let me do my job I’ll fucking bail and leave this damn house before you can even blink.”
Jared freezes at hearing that, fear and panic in his gaze, and Jensen takes that chance to give Jared’s cock a first lick. Jared’s lips spurt out something that sounds a lot like guh and Jensen smirks. “Moan if you like because that would be the only kind of conversation we’ll have.” He says before slipping all of Jared’s cock between his full lips and into the warmth of his mouth like an expert that he is.
Jared’s hips are starting to buck up as Jensen bobs his head forward and back, stopping to suck every now and then. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Jared’s hands falls hard over the side of the table, gripping it hard to get balance. Moans and growls are sounding like they were ripped out of Jared’s throat and fuck if that doesn’t make Jensen swallow deeper and suck harder.
Because now he understands it. Now he can see how doing this is torturing Jared in a way it’s not supposed to be. It is too much and it’s hurting the older man in anyway possible. The realization is only doing nothing but sparking Jensen up to increase his ministrations on Jared’s cock, knowing that each string of pleasure Jared gets is a painful experience; a severe punishment. And Jensen is determined to make sure Jared feels the whole misery he can create from his tugging and sucking and lapping over the sensitive flesh he holds captive under his merciless fingers and even more ruthless tongue.
It isn’t long before Jared’s body shuddering hard, letting out a choking sound when Jensen sucks him hard one last time and releases his cock out of those swollen lips with a loud pop. Jared’s hands are gripping the side of the table for support as he’s coming hard all over Jensen fingers.
For the next few minutes, the only sound heard in the room is Jared’s racing breath. Jensen watches blankly as some of the white come is trickling off his fingers onto the floor and he waits. He waits for some sense of satisfaction to kick in inside him.
But there’s none of that. Instead, Jensen feels very sick like he’s never felt before and he must struggle to keep from throwing up his dinner.
Slowly, he raises his gaze up to look at Jared’s face. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but what he sees makes his stomach churns horribly.
Jared is staring at him, eyes all glazed up. And for a moment, they are just trading stares, witnessing how bad they have broken the others. When a bead of tear is finally falling down over Jared’s toned cheek, Jensen quickly looks away because the sadness visible inside Jared’s eyes is just too much for him.
“Jensen…” Jared calls out his name after a while in this broken tone and it makes Jensen scramble to rise up to stand, clears his throat as he is drying the come off his hands on his pants, still refuses to meet Jared’s eyes.
“I think we’re done here." Jensen says with hoarse voice. "I’ll just go back to my room.” Without waiting for Jared’s answer, he turns around and leaves the room.
---00o00---
Jared looks like he didn’t get any sleep last night. Jensen revels in the fact that apparently he’s not the only one who is bugged the hell out by the degree of their fucked up situation.
Jensen really hopes what happened last night would somehow wear Jared out; stopping him from thinking that whatever it is they have between them can be salvaged. But it looks like Jensen has to try harder, because Jared is still there, giving Jensen a bit cautious but hopeful look as they’re eating their breakfast.
He slices his sausage fiercely, knowing that he still has long way to go to earn his peace.
“So, what are you planning to do today?” Jared asks him, breaking the silence.
Jensen flicks his gaze up at Jared. Putting his knife and fork down, he reaches the napkin and wipes his mouth. “I’m not really sure, Jared. Usually, it’s my client who tells me what to do. You know, the usual ‘bend-over-there-and-take-it’ stuff?” Jensen shrugs, thrilled to know that Jared has stupidly given him yet another chance to put some oil into the fire with his question. “What do you want me to do today?”
Jared’s eyes are darkened for a full minute, but if Jensen’s words get to him, he doesn’t show it further. He just lowers his gaze down back onto his plate and acts like Jensen doesn’t say a thing.
It looks like this time he refuses to take part in Jensen’s little ‘i’ll-fuck-you-up’ game. What a shame, Jensen thinks absentmindedly.
Deciding that this is kind of a boring situation, Jensen finishes his water and rises up to stand.
“Where are you going?” Jared asks, looked alarmed.
“Relax. I won’t go anywhere.” Jensen said casually, checking his watch, and the words he said next are sounded nothing but cynical. “It’s time for you to go to work, Jared. Don’t be a lazy bum and show up in the office on time like a professional businessman that you are, and I promise I’ll be a good little slut and waits for you to come home.”
Jared chooses not to reply at that but Jensen just couldn't care less. He can feel Jared's eyes on him as he is walking to leave the dining room; his figure disappears behind the door.
---00o00---
To tell the truth, Jensen is far too ashamed to be standing here in front of his mother’s grave. If only Mary was still alive, Jensen couldn’t for the life of him imagine what she would say when she found out what kind of human Jensen had become. Maybe, she would just look at Jensen with sadness clouding her beautiful face, and asked why.
Life happens to me, Mom. That’s why, is what Jensen would have answered. His life, to be more exact, because Jensen is pretty sure that he’s the only person on earth who is leading such tragic life.
But he has no intention to be all emotional and teary like how he had been the last time he was here. He has learned his lesson after all.
He must never rely on anyone or anything ever again, not even on the comfort of spilling out his misery in front of his beloved mother’s grave. He knows that the only person who can help him is himself.
Smiling bitterly, Jensen swats some dust and dried leaves from on top of his mother’s tomb. That’s when he hears Jared’s voice behind him.
“It’s been a long time, is it?”
Jensen doesn’t answer, doesn’t even bother to turn around. And he is sure as hell isn’t trying to hide the annoyance on his expression.
Jared steps forward to stand right beside him, and Jensen almost fidgets at the proximity.
Almost.
“You’re not going to work?” Jensen asks, crouching down to pluck out some grasses at the bottom of his mother’s tomb. He notices Jared has already dressed up in his working suit.
“There’s still time.” Jared answers after a while and his gaze is scalding Jensen's back.
“Hey,” Jared said after a few minutes passed, breaking the silence with suddenly cheerful voice. “Remember that apple tree in the middle of the garden right there? We used to climb it up and stayed on top of it for the whole afternoon. We were talking about our dreams until we were running out of words to say, or just playing our cloud game to see who could get free back rub later in bath time.” He chuckles. “And then Mom would found out. She would call out to us with worries in her face and ended up giving us a long lecture and scowling for the whole night. But we would still do it again the next day.”
Jensen turns his gaze towards the garden on the side. His eyes find the said tree and for a moment he doesn’t say anything.
“Nope, I don’t.” Jensen finally replies with a lie, putting his attention back to the grasses below, shrugging. “The only vivid thing I can recall from that garden is that those shady trees there had always been a good place to hide from your father, even if it’s only for a while.”
Jensen said the words casually, almost monotone without any hints of venom. But still, as the meaning of the sentence sinks in inside Jared’s mind, the older man’s face is scrunched right up with regret.
“God, Jensen…” Jared stutters, the cheerful voice is gone, replaced with this broken and torn up ones. “I didn’t know. I really didn’t.”
Jensen’s hands’ movements are halted for a moment when he hears that. He kind of feels like slapping his own mouth, because the direction of where this conversation is leading is definitely not what he had in mind when he spurted out the statement. He simply wanted to create an awkward atmosphere to get Jared to shut up and just leave him alone.
Gritting his teeth, Jensen decides to ignore Jared completely and resumes on doing his grass-plucking.
“Back then, I was too wrapped up inside my own feelings. I was trying so hard that I couldn’t see anything else.” Jared continues, sounds distant and hurting. “How I wished things weren’t the way they are, Jensen. If you only knew how I regret those years back so much.”
Jensen’s fingers are unconsciously forming a fist. Great, now the bastard just won’t stop blabbing.
Jensen really can’t stand it: those excuses Jared just keeps throwing at him. Hearing them is only fueling up his anger more, and the next thing he knows is he’s growling at Jared to shut up.
It brings the silence back, until Jared says something that pulls Jensen’s attention on him.
“I hate him.”
Jensen is looking at Jared past his shoulder. Standing there blocking the morning sun, Jared’s figure is forming a silhouette. His face is facing left, staring at something somewhere behind his mother’s tomb. Jensen shivers because even when he can’t see Jared’s expression clearly, he can feel something dark radiating from Jared’s body. Following the direction of Jared’s gaze, Jensen realizes that the older man is staring at Thomas’ grave.
“I tried not to think about it, Jensen. What he did and how he had destroyed almost everything and everyone around him without me realizing even the slightest bit of it. God, how I hate him for those.” Jared's wavering voice holds in so many disappointments, questions -- fulminations. “He is my father. He was the person I looked up to. Always had been. And at first I was trying to deny what’s already clear. But no matter how I shut my mind closed, the truth will always be there, poking my head and constantly nagging. And I can’t help the way this hatred for him has been growing inside me since then. It’s so contradictory from how I used to be that it hurts, but that’s the truth. I loathe my own father and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The statement surprised Jensen. And somewhere inside, his heart is clenching with grieve. Because he fucking knows how Jared used to feel about his own father. Hell, it was one of the main problems that had landed them in this mess they’re in right now.
But as much as he regrets how things had become, Jensen has been through enough shit and he can no longer bring himself to care. He rises up to stand, flinging the plucked grass in his grips aside. His voice is full of calm menace when he says, “Don’t be too harsh on him Jared. Because if you can see how many similarities you two share, you’d end up hating yourself too.”
Jensen is about to walk away when suddenly Jared’s grip catches his hand, stopping him.
Staring at those strong fingers circling his wrist, Jensen turns his gaze at Jared and tries not to flinch at all those shadows he’s witnessing swirling inside Jared’s eyes.
“I have. ” Jared says, his voice is thick with emotions. “Can’t you see it, Jen? I can’t even look straight into my reflection in the mirror now without wanting to throw up. What you said back then in the hospital had made me realized how I had become too much like my father. And I’ve abhorred myself since then, more than you can imagine. Because I know that I am worse than him. At least my father was brave enough to die with his sins. To get what he deserves and take whatever punishment hell delivers onto him.”
Jensen can feel the grip on his wrist is tightening.
“But I am not like that, not at all. I made terrible mistakes just like my father did, but I’m still trying to make you forgive and forget. I’m still persevering to get my life back, struggling to reach my long lost happiness. I still want you to be by my side, just like how I always do.”
Jensen is too caught up in his own emotion that he doesn’t even realize it when Jared takes one step closer towards him, his red-rimmed eyes cautiously watches him. And he continues in this voice so low that it’s almost like a whisper. “I am nothing like my father. I’m much more shameless and selfish and greedy and I despise myself for it. But isn’t that how humans are? We always think that we are the most perfect creature God had ever created, but the fact is we are so full of flaws. We make mistakes, we’re doing things we’re not proud of, and at the end of the day we’ll realize what we’ve done wrong and get down on our knees to beg for second chance. Just like what I’m trying to do to you now.”
Jensen grits his teeth. “I’m not God, Jared. Take your begging for forgiveness somewhere else.” He shakes his hand, trying to break free. But Jared just won’t let go.
“I screwed up, so I’m not God either.” Jared replies, soft and repentant but is still annoyingly determined. “You need to think about it, Jensen. I’m just a human. A remarkably low and unbearably horrible human. And we all know that my biggest sin is not to God. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why no matter what you do, I will never give up.”
Jensen doesn’t respond to that, simply looks away and it makes Jared get even more frustrated. “Look, all I’m saying is… Can’t we… just start over? I know we can do it. It’ll be hard. And nothing will be like how it used to, but we’ll manage. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll do everything to chalk up our past into mere bad memories. I’ll make you happy. I’ll make us happy. All you have to do is just give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you.”
Saying those, Jared waits. Because Jensen still refuses to look at him, just staring somewhere at the side with his jaws tightened. Then he finally turns to look at Jared, only to give him this long unreadable look.
Jared is already on the edge of his toes now, thinking he must soon be driven crazy by all this hope and expectation inside him. But after a while, Jared is dreading at the way Jensen’s mouth slowly forms this bitter and sad smile, face all scrunched up and broken.
“No, Jared.” Jensen’s lower lip is trembling as he says it and Jared holds this urge to scream and shake Jensen’s shoulder hard because he just doesn’t know what else he should do anymore.
“Jensen..,” Jared pleads, feeling like he has lost it. Desperation is clearly showed in his face. “Please, Jensen... Please, just listen to me.” And then he lets Jensen’s hand go, just so he can reaches out and holds both Jensen’s cheek with his palms, dying with this need to be connected to Jensen in any way.
Jensen shakes his head, panic at the sudden closeness. The initial anger starts to double inside him due to Jared’s perseverance and roughly he pushes Jared away, scrambling to step back and looked like he's terrified beyond words.
“Stop it.” Jensen hisses, backing away another step when Jared tries to shorten the distance between them. “Stop this, dammit, or I swear to God I’ll do what I did to you last night right here in front of our parents’ graves just to make you shut up.”
And that does it.
Jared freezes on the spot at hearing the threat. Jensen blinks, and a tear is falling over his cheek. “Go.” Whispering, Jensen shuts his eyes closed in his effort to control his emotion. “Please, Jared. Just… leave me alone.” He pleads, followed by silence.
Jensen isn’t sure how many minutes have passed, but when he finally opens his eyes again, Jared is already gone. That’s when he finally allows his feet to give up, his body slumps down heavily onto the grass.
The fear makes him feel so weak and tired, and he seriously thinks that he really can’t do this any further. He thought he could. But he can’t.
It’s far too dangerous, because even then, he was almost swayed by Jared’s words. He was so close to believe that good things can still happen to him. All hopes and dreams of life and love he had buried deep inside him almost surged up, and it almost led him to be once again trapped inside an illusion. He said no but the truth is he almost -he had wanted to-- said yes.
His logic was kicking in on the last second and Jensen feels relieved. But he might not be that lucky next time.
However, Jensen realizes he has no other option but to bear with it. He had agreed and he must do anything he can to survive this one month. Because he knows if he decides to bail, Jared will never learn that what he’s trying to do is just pointless. That bastard will keep chasing him to the end of the world. Jared is too fucking persistent like that.
If he leaves now, he’ll never get his peace. And that thought scares him even more.
Taking deep breaths, Jensen gathers his strength and rises up to stand.
---00o00---
What happened in the morning takes its toll on both of them in the night. And after three days of living the same pattern, Jared’s too tired and too angry to fight back. So tonight he helplessly decides to be on the same page with Jensen.
Jared isn’t cornered against any dining table this time. They’ve moved past that. They didn’t want to risk being caught up by some random servant in this kind of fucked up situations after all. Instead, Jared’s back is plastered on one side of the wall inside his study and kneeling before him is Jensen, once again working his way into Jared’s pants.
He can only remember vaguely how they ended up here. There is always a lot of silence and not much of a conversation in the beginning, and the next thing he knows is the feel of Jensen’s heated grip around him.
Jared reaches out and runs his fingers over Jensen's hair before tugging it roughly to get that mouth closer, silently urging the younger man to just get on with it already. He can see Jensen's eyes glisten in annoyance. It seems like he's a little surprised to see Jared being this rough and eager, acting almost like he's daring Jensen to completely destroy him.
But Jared pays no attention and just shuts his eyes closed. Desperation and anger that has been piling up for days makes Jared refuse to be compliant. Compliance doesn’t work and it seems like anything else doesn’t either and Jared is barely hanging on to his sanity here.
Those walls Jensen has built around him are far too high and the way Jensen keeps giving him stubborn rejections over and over again is getting too much for Jared.
He knows it only has been almost a week since he brought Jensen back. He knows he should have had more patience.
But patience has never been one of Jared’s virtues, especially when he almost runs out of time. There are already too few options of methods and even fewer choices of words available for Jared in his effort to set things right. And within a week, Jensen had forced him to use up all of them for nothing.
Jared couldn’t help but feeling desperate, and when Jensen starts doing that thing he does with his tongue, he has no choice but to thrust up eagerly --almost violent-- until he hears Jensen make this choking sound. Ignoring it, Jared eases himself down into the heavenly heat that is Jensen’s mouth and tries his hardest to empty his mind while he’s at it.
This is what Jensen wants. This is the only thing Jensen is willing to give him for now. It’s the only thing Jared can do to make Jensen stay.
In the end, a man has to do what a man has to do. So Jared takes what he can get.
However, to be getting off on this is a totally different case from actually feeling good about it. Because each time the pleasure ripples inside Jared, it also breaks him into pieces. Each pleasant wave is a cruel reminder to what Jared had lost and hadn’t yet regained. The way they’re always doing this so heartlessly is throwing him into such depth of despair and Jared shuts his eyes closed as tightly as he could to prevent the tears that have been welling up on his eyes from falling.
Jensen is tugging and sucking in all the right places and pretty soon, hopeless as he always has been towards Jensen’s skillful touches, Jared is tightening his fists when he feels the heat build inside him fast. When it finally explodes, his brain automatically shuts down at the unbearable pressure, makes him sees and feels nothing but stars and white hot bliss as he’s letting out this feral groan and comes all over Jensen’s hand.
The feel of tears is cold against the heated skin of his cheeks.
---00o00---
Later that night, Jared is still pacing back and forth in his study, lost inside his thought.
Judging from zero development he acquired on the situation he has with Jensen, Jared can easily picture how they will spend the rest of their days together just like this: tension and anger in the day, lust and desperation in the night. Destroying each other with nothing accomplished. Jared’s heart is clenching painfully just by imagining the prospect of it.
Reality shows that he’s driven into the corner now and he realizes he must do something, think of anything he can do to stop this vicious cycle.
And that’s when that idea hits him.
He has thought of it before and to be honest, at first he didn’t like the idea even for a bit. Not that it’s different now because if he seriously considers on carrying it out, then there won’t be just the two of them in this matter anymore.
There’ll be three.
And as much as he respects and trusts that third party, Jared is far too deprived of Jensen’s attention to share.
But from where Jared sees it, he has no options left. It is the only way. If by doing so he can earn Jensen’s favor back, Jared would be more than willing to suck it up.
The sound of clock ticking is clearly heard in the quiet house and it had been hours since Jensen casually wiped up his fingers covered with Jared’s come all over his pants and retreated to his room with solemn expression on his face. Jared’s face is burrowed when the memory of it plays inside his head over and over again.
With heavy steps Jared approaches his desk. He’s unconsciously gnawing on his lower lip, even as he hesitantly picks up the phone receiver and dials. He's listening to the ringing on the other side of the line for a whole minute and flinches when finally a raspy and hoarse voice is heard through the receiver. “Fuck, Jared, it’s fucking midnight. You’d better be dying or is having your house burnt to the ground as we speak. Or else I swear I’ll come over and kill you in the morning for making this shitty call.”
Jared doesn’t reply, jaws tightening for some more seconds -his last attempt of contemplation-- before clearing his throat and reluctantly speaks in a low voice.
“Jeff, I need your help.”
TBC
PS: Comments are ultimately appreciated. To tell the truth, re-reading comments are the only thing that keeps me from raising a white flag and just giving up on this story completely. So, yeah, comments are priceless.
But, considering how I've become such a jerk for stalling my updates, maybe I don't deserve any. Or, you know, whatever. I'm just sorry for being a disappointment to my readers. T__________T
Those of you who are still on board with me: Thank You. I hope you'll like this one too, BBs.