[Series]Reaching For Happiness, JaredxJensen (15/?)
Author:freedomthisway
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: NC17 for this chapter
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
I'm really sorry, I haven't had a chance to reply comments in the previous chapter. Will definitely get to it once I'm done with RL things. Love you all, guys. And chapter 15 is here. :D
As always, I hope you'll enjoy this one too. Especially this one... ^^
Jensen knows if he wants to finally tell Jared about everything, he must do it before Jared leaving for work. If he waits until tonight, his courage might leave him and things in his life will never change.
Feeling sluggish, he rises up from bed and walk towards the bathroom. He’ll need more than just a shower today, so he pours the scented liquid of bubble bath into the tub rather generously and fills it with warm water.
Once he gets all relaxed inside the bubbling water, Jensen takes a long and deep breath, trying to calm himself down. But the bathtub's wonder and all the self-humming turn out working only a little to relieve the thumping heart and anxious feeling that starts to formed inside him.
Putting on his most comfortable clothes (a shirt and his favorite worn out black jeans), Jensen stares at his reflection in the mirror.
There’re obvious eye bags under his eyes and his lips have become so red due to his teeth’s constant biting. But overall his outer appearance looks just fine, as if today isn’t the day where his entire fate will be bet on. Jared won’t assume anything just by looking at him right now.
Yet Jensen knows better and he can feel his stomach coiling due to the nervousness.
Jensen exits his room and walks through the hallway towards dining room, realizing that it’s still a bit too early to have breakfast but can’t bear to just stay inside.
There’s only Kate there who is preparing the table. She looks up when Jensen walks in.
Jensen feels a bit down but strangely at the same time feels relieved that he hasn’t had to face Jared, yet. “Kate, where’s my brother?” He asks.
“Ah, Mr. Jared said that he will have his breakfast at the office today. He’s still in his room right now, getting ready for work.” She tells Jensen with a smile before resuming on preparing the table.
Jensen is standing there --eyes unconsciously watching Kate putting down plates and foods on the table--, torn apart between waiting for Jared to come downstairs or just speeding this whole torturing process by meeting Jared up in his room.
But, he has already figured that in this case the sooner is the better.
Kate finishes her last touch on the table and looks up at Jensen again. “Mr. Jensen, would you like to have your breakfast now?”
Jensen blinks at that, mind's still reeling, and shakes his head with a little smile. “Thanks, but I need to talk with Jared right now, so I guess I’ll have it later, Kate.” Then Jensen turns back and starts walking slowly towards the staircase.
Jensen knocks Jared’s door once and when a low “Who is it?” heard from behind the door, Jensen licks his lips nervously before answering.
“It’s Jensen. I need to have a word with you, Jared." For a moment there’s only silence, and Jensen is fidgeting on his feet.
“I’m in a rush.” Jared finally responds with a grunt. “Can’t it wait?”
Jensen can’t help but wonder if he is not the only one who is still so much influenced by what happened last night. Jared sounds angry, and pissed off, and once again Jensen has this feeling that Jared’s pissed off to no one but himself.
“I need to talk.” Jensen perseveres, and cringes when he can hear Jared cursing before the door swings opened a few seconds later.
“What?!” Jared scowls, frown on his forehead and he looks terribly annoyed in his half unbuttoned grey shirt and black pants. Jensen notices Jared has eye bags too and he can smell reeks of alcohol faintly coming from inside the room and a little bit of it from Jared’s breath.
Jensen gulps down and offers Jared a weak smile. “Can I please come in?”
Jared glares at him for long minutes and Jensen has been preparing himself to hear another rejection when finally Jared steps back from the opened door, a silent invitation for Jensen to come in.
Jensen steps in and closes the door behind him. Feeling a bit like a lost kid, Jensen looks around the room that is dominated with brown color and wooden furniture, wondering whether he should be sitting down on that antique chair right there or just standing around somewhere near the door, just in case Jared loses his patience and kicks him out.
Jensen does the last and Jared just barely glances at him standing awkwardly there as he’s rummaging inside his drawer.
“Okay, now talk.” Jared drawls ignorantly, and pulls out a red tie from somewhere inside it.
Jensen stares down. Now as he stands in front of Jared, suddenly he feels his throat clogged by doubt and fear though he knows he must not turning back.
“Um.... I’ve been thinking all night, and I’ve decided to tell you the truth about everything.” Jensen starts with his hands fidgeting, still doesn’t dare looking at Jared.
Jared lifts one of his eyebrows. “Really?” He says dismissively while his hands are busy fixing up the tie around his neck. “You always seemed so set in keeping things for yourself. Why change your mind?”
Jensen doesn’t say anything for a while, thinking how he can tell Jared about everything without making the situation worse than it has been. He glances at an almost empty glass and a half a bottle of whisky on the table at his right side, unconsciously wondering how much Jared had drunk last night.
“Living with you for a couple of weeks, I can feel how much you hate me.” Jensen's voice is hoarse and then he finally looks up. “Really Jared, it kills me inside and I want your hatred to end. But I realize it won’t be gone until I explain all of the things that have been hidden in the dark for so long.”
Jared finishes tucking in his shirt into his pants and he stands there, staring at Jensen with a smirk on his face. “Yeah?” He folds his hands on his chest. “What things?”
“About the reason I left three years ago, and some other things that you should know. I’m hoping what I'm going to say can make us restart our relationship all over again, in a more better terms.” Jensen clutches his end of shirts with his restless hands. This is it.
“I love you, Jared.”
Jared’s smirk disappears at that.
“I know you don’t believe me, or maybe you’re disgusted on hearing me saying this, but I really do love you, more than a love for a brother. That's being said, maybe you can imagine how all of these loathe and vengeance you keep inside yourself for me are driving me crazy with each day passed by. I’ve been trying to hide it for like, ever. But I’m done with it now.” Jensen is rambling, he knows, and he can’t help it because Jared is still standing there without saying anything. “I want you to know that I’ve always loved you, so deeply. I don’t know when it started or what had caused it but the fact is you’re the only one who can make me feel this way.” Jensen says that last words with breath racing.
He finally, finally, told Jared about how he feels, and all these fears and reliefs mix into one inside him. Jensen wonders if perhaps he should stop talking now before he scares Jared with his heart-spilling words.
Jared stares at Jensen in a shock expression. “You love me?”
And looking at the way Jared’s voice gets soft as he said it, Jensen almost choked in emotion because all of this is suddenly becoming too much for him. “Yes, Jared, I do.”
Jared averts his gaze from Jensen to the floor blankly, seems like he’s still trying to digest Jensen’s sudden confession into his mind. Then he looks up, his gaze is sharp once again. “Then why did you leave me?” His voice cracks at the end.
Jensen shakes his head slowly. “I’ve never wanted to tell you this, but..., I’ve gotten my shares of pain for so long and I just can't take it anymore.” Gulping down all his doubts, Jensen tries to be strong and looks at Jared straight in the eyes. “Thomas, your father… He’s… I’m barely 17 when he first started to touch me.”
Jared blinks, and gapes a second later. “What?”
“...He had been abusing me ever since my second year of Senior High. He was abusing me mentally and sexually. And everyday, everyday, I had to bear with all of the things he did to me because Thomas said he won’t pay for my mother’s treatment if I ever said no.” Jensen shakes his head sadly, realizing how his voice is trembling. “You were gone and she’s all I had left. I couldn’t afford to lose her, Jared.”
Jared’s eyes are staring unfocusedly in his shock.
The tears that have already brimming in Jensen's eyes are threatening to fall down in any minute now, but Jensen does all he can to prevent that from happening. It’s not his time to cry. It’s not him whose heart is going to be broken at this spoken truth.
“Then my mother died, and I knew right then that it was my God given chance to save myself, away from Thomas.” Jensen continues in a softer tone. “So I ran away, because it'd be impossible for me to live in this house for even a second longer with Thomas around, reminding me restlessly of things he had done to me.”
Jared suddenly laughs, shaking his head over and over again. “No, no way. If it’s true I would’ve known, would I?” His eyes are wild as he throws those words to Jensen.
“You weren’t there, Jared.” Jensen hisses, helpless at repressing the horrible memories suddenly flooding his mind, tearing open those old wounds and burns his heart. “You never were. Even now I still can't figure out what made you could barely look at me in the eyes ever since we’d grown up into teenagers.”
Jared seems to be taken aback by that and his jaws tightened, but he says nothing.
“Look, me telling you all of this now, I wasn’t blaming anyone here for what had happened.” Jensen smothers his hair back desperately. His emotions are starting to get out of control and if he lets it go on like this, things will surely get messy and stray much too far from his earlier intentions. “All I want now is for you to know the truth, to understand the reason why I did what I did three years ago. It wasn’t because of you. It never was. I love you too much to leave you without good reason. And now I hope after we clear things out, we can start all over again.”
Jared shakes his head wildly, and Jensen can feel his panic comes back at the sight of Jared smothering his hair angrily.
“I’m not asking you to love me back.” Jensen licks his suddenly dried lips, notices how his voice has started to sound begging. “I’m just asking you to forgive me and forget everything in the past. Let’s be brothers, friends, whatever it is you want to happen between us, but please no more hatred.” Jensen rubs his wet eyes because Jared’s figure is starting to get really blurry now. “Not from you. I can’t live with it much longer.”
For a moment nothing heard from both of their mouth, until Jared growls. “Shut up.”
“Jared?” Jensen whispers, feels scared by dark expression suddenly appeared in Jared’s face.
Jared moves fast and suddenly Jensen feels a big hand grabbing his top shirt. The next things Jensen knows is Jared hoisting him backwards swiftly and he lets out a loud huff as he feels his back make an impact with the wall.
“You lying jerk. Stop saying bad things about my father.” Jared glares at Jensen, his eyes narrowing with burning anger and so much else.
Jensen can see all the hurts in Jared’s eyes, knowing that this is exactly what he feared the most if he tells Jared. It’s surely making him suffer so much to know that Thomas is not the same person he has had in mind for years.
“Jared...,” Jensen says with trembling voice, can’t bear the wounded expression in Jared’s face and the fact that Jared’s whole body is trembling. “I’m sorry. Really I am. But I’m telling the truth and sooner or later you’ll have to deal with it.”
Jared growls and shakes him up, and this time Jensen cringes when his head bang the wall pretty hard due to Jared’s harsh movement.
“Shut up or I swear to God I’ll kill you with my own hands.” Jared hisses and Jensen really can’t stop his tears from falling this time.
He doesn’t know what else he can do or say to make this, to make them, right.
“Jared…” Jensen runs a hand over Jared’s cold cheeks, trying to calm him down. But Jared shakes his hands off with his other free hand and his eyes are so dark in color when he sneers.
“What makes you think I’ll believe you? Who knows if you’re lying or not? You could be seducing my father into doing what you said he was doing for all I know.” Jared’s eyes are squinting angrily. “Everyone knows you’re always thirsty for attention, Jensen. Your daddy left you when you were still just a kid, while your mom was lying weakly on bed in those times you needed her most. And I was off just so I could be away from you as far as possible.”
Jensen gapes at Jared’s accusing and hurting words.
But Jared ignores it as he leans his face forward, his huffing breath hits Jensen’s paling face. “You were lonely, and my father was there, with his unconditional love for you and you took advantage of it, didn’t you?”
Jensen shakes his head repeatedly, is afraid now because he can feel Jared’s grips on his collar is just getting tighter and stronger.
“You tempted him, didn’t you Jensen? You tempted him with your angelic looks and beautiful smile. You were so hollow inside and nobody wanted to fill it in for you so you used my father to satisfy your sick needs.” Jared is shouting now. “You’re the one who turned him into this awful person like you said he was, didn’t you?!”
Jensen shuts his eyes tight, hoping to bury down Jared’s words deep into the back of his mind because they hurt much more than this big hand that is hoisting and half choking him with unimaginable strength.
Jared’s breath is hot in his ear when he whispers, “You want me to stop hating you, little brother? Then keep dreaming.”
Jared grips Jensen tighter, and drags him along as he turns towards the bed and throws Jensen onto it.
“I think you haven’t fully grasped it in your mind on just how much I loathe you. So, let me show it to you now.” Jared says in a low tone as he slowly unfastens his tie and makes step after step, approaching the bed where Jensen’s laying helplessly.
Seeing that, Jensen realizes exactly what Jared means with it and fear is clutching him so tight. All of a sudden he feels like he’s 16 again, helpless and crying with Thomas' roaming hands on his skin.
Panic and scared, Jensen scurries back on the bed, trying to escape Jared’s seemingly unstoppable wrath.
But as Jared’s hand reaches forward and grips one of his legs, Jensen knows he's done for.
---00o00---
It hurts.
Jensen remembers that it is indeed supposed to hurt, especially when it’s done this roughly and unprepared.
But it hurts a lot more this time.
The pain is flaring hotly through his body, and it’s so excruciating that Jensen can only burrow his head deeper into the sheet, gritting his teeth. He is trying to escape the pain, pushes his body away in caterpillar-like movement, but Jared’s strong grip in his waist stops him from moving.
Then something clicks on his head.
It’s not his body which is in pain. Not when he can feel it goes numb with every thrust.
It’s his inside that is on fire, and it feels like the hotness is spreading wildly, trying so hard to find a way out. But he can sense that all of him is closing up. Even his pores felt like they're scrunching in; trying with no success to refuse to let even a bead of sweat out.
This is bad.
Everything in Jensen wants out.
Everything in him wants to escape this cruel reality. But his body seems so eager to shut him down, to make him oblivious to everything outside just so it can force him to fully acknowledge what he feels inside.
Jensen is squeezing his eyes shut all the time, hopes by doing so; he can dodge the harsh fact that this is different.
God, this whole thing -the hands that are roughly caressing his back, the teeth brutally nipping his ear line, the whole non-consented sexual thing- they are so familiar that Jensen can almost feel tingles of anticipation along with disgust coursing through his body.
But this is different. This is not that damn Thomas.
This is Jared.
This is Jared who is pinning his hand painfully behind his back to prevent him from escaping.
This is Jared who is thrusting hard and raw inside Jensen despite his scattered pleading for him to stop.
This is Jared whose breathing is heavy on top of him, drowning in his own search of pleasure and ignores Jensen’s pain.
This is Jared who's whispering dirty and demeaning words to him; desperately tries to crush Jensen’s already dented pride into pieces of dust.
This is his Jared. His beloved Jared. His everything.
This is Jared who tenses suddenly, groaning and spilling his burning seed inside Jensen, and it feels like all of his hate, his anger, his grudge, his everything but love is also spilled inside. So deep that Jensen knows he’ll feel them for many times to come. And no matter how many times he cleans them out, they’ll stay stuck, for they are like a brand from Jared for him.
A brand that will mark him as everything but Jared’s.
A brand that’ll entitle him as something he always is. As whom he meant to be. As something he always refuses to acknowledge for he still holds his hope high.
It is a brand that marks Jensen as nothing.
So when Jared withdraws himself, Jensen almost weeps for the irony that Jared pulls out in a sickeningly gentle movement right after he fucked Jensen in a very contradictive way.
It’s like he is afraid he’ll hurt Jensen if he moves in a hurry. He lets Jensen’s arms go in a soothing way. And silently, he rises up; lifting himself off of Jensen’s naked back and off the bed.
His gentleness makes Jensen’s heart flutter weakly in expectations.
Maybe he’s sorry?
And Jensen, if anything, is always a sucker for hopes.
So Jensen gathers his strength, tries hard to ignore the pain and the soreness all over his body. Bit back his whimper when he feels his lower body throbs mercilessly.
Please, Jared, be sorry.
God, please make him sorry for everything.
Please heal me.
It’s not too late.
I still love you.
Hug me and tell me that I mean something for you.
Say that you love me….
Jensen’s scrambling to get up, all the while praying for God to spare him the sentiment and make his hopes come true.
But apparently, God didn’t take his offer for a truce.
Jared is sitting on one of the chairs facing the bed. His suit is crumpled and disheveled and his pants are still unzipped, showing traces of dark hair inside. Jensen can not help but think that Jared truly looks like a sex god. A very cruel one at that.
He is slouched and slumped over the chair and looks like he is all relaxed, but it’s his eyes that give away everything.
From his eyes, Jensen knows that once again, his hopes are abandoned.
Jared is looking at Jensen with such hatred and a chilly anger, even more intense than before. And somehow, his gaze makes Jensen feel so dirty, so unworthy than ever.
“I don’t believe in everything you said and I don’t want to hear any of it coming out of your dirty mouth once again.” Jared’s voice is cold and sharp and it slits Jensen’s heart open. “This house is yours now. All of my father’s fucking inheritance is yours. And you can have every acre, every company, every goddamn penny of my father’s money and all the heartaches and problems that will burden you along with it. I’ll take care of it with Jeff and make sure all of it will be done legally. And then I wish, my God, I will never have to see your face anymore.”
Jared’s cruel words make Jensen’s heart shrink; make something inside him wilt and die.
It’s a litany of hatred and it makes Jensen suddenly feel so difficult to breathe, or think. All of the soreness, the throbbing pain, the hurt, everything is coming back to him with a full force, and it’s adding up to a dawning realization that he will never be something to Jared.
Sobbing, Jensen moves to pick up his scattered clothes on the floor and flees the room.
---00o00---
Jared thinks he should’ve felt satisfied now because he was just succeeded in realizing his plan to make Jensen living hell.
But the fact is: all of these sharp regrets and self-hate and pointless anger and the doubts inside him still refuse to go away and Jared is surprised when he feels a bead of tear rolling down his cheek.
Closing his eyes, Jared can still remember Jensen’s whimperings, how he looked so broken right before he collected his clothes and walked out with his head down.
Jared wipes his face harshly with one of his now sweaty hands and curse this very day as he reaches for the half bottle of whisky on the table.
TBC
PS: My warning has vaguely said it all, so I'm sorry if you're surprised at this twist. :D
Comments, or killing threats are welcomed~!
Oh, and is there any of you who is also a member of Sinful Desire.org? Can you tell me what's happening to the site? I can't access it at all. The net keeps redirecting me to another credit card thingy site with same name...T.T
EDIT: Since there are so many people curious about the ending of this fic and I haven't got enough time (RL is a bitch) to reply to those comments, I will inform all of you guys that YES, THIS FIC WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING. FYI, I never write a sad ending fic. Tragic, yes. But a sad ending is a big no no in my book. My life has been too fucked up enough without sad ending in my own story.
Now the problem is whether I will be able to fulfill everyone's expectation in my way to tread the happy ending or not. And just so you know, I often lose my sleep because of the building anxiety. So, wish me luck? ^^;
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: NC17 for this chapter
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
I'm really sorry, I haven't had a chance to reply comments in the previous chapter. Will definitely get to it once I'm done with RL things. Love you all, guys. And chapter 15 is here. :D
As always, I hope you'll enjoy this one too. Especially this one... ^^
Jensen knows if he wants to finally tell Jared about everything, he must do it before Jared leaving for work. If he waits until tonight, his courage might leave him and things in his life will never change.
Feeling sluggish, he rises up from bed and walk towards the bathroom. He’ll need more than just a shower today, so he pours the scented liquid of bubble bath into the tub rather generously and fills it with warm water.
Once he gets all relaxed inside the bubbling water, Jensen takes a long and deep breath, trying to calm himself down. But the bathtub's wonder and all the self-humming turn out working only a little to relieve the thumping heart and anxious feeling that starts to formed inside him.
Putting on his most comfortable clothes (a shirt and his favorite worn out black jeans), Jensen stares at his reflection in the mirror.
There’re obvious eye bags under his eyes and his lips have become so red due to his teeth’s constant biting. But overall his outer appearance looks just fine, as if today isn’t the day where his entire fate will be bet on. Jared won’t assume anything just by looking at him right now.
Yet Jensen knows better and he can feel his stomach coiling due to the nervousness.
Jensen exits his room and walks through the hallway towards dining room, realizing that it’s still a bit too early to have breakfast but can’t bear to just stay inside.
There’s only Kate there who is preparing the table. She looks up when Jensen walks in.
Jensen feels a bit down but strangely at the same time feels relieved that he hasn’t had to face Jared, yet. “Kate, where’s my brother?” He asks.
“Ah, Mr. Jared said that he will have his breakfast at the office today. He’s still in his room right now, getting ready for work.” She tells Jensen with a smile before resuming on preparing the table.
Jensen is standing there --eyes unconsciously watching Kate putting down plates and foods on the table--, torn apart between waiting for Jared to come downstairs or just speeding this whole torturing process by meeting Jared up in his room.
But, he has already figured that in this case the sooner is the better.
Kate finishes her last touch on the table and looks up at Jensen again. “Mr. Jensen, would you like to have your breakfast now?”
Jensen blinks at that, mind's still reeling, and shakes his head with a little smile. “Thanks, but I need to talk with Jared right now, so I guess I’ll have it later, Kate.” Then Jensen turns back and starts walking slowly towards the staircase.
Jensen knocks Jared’s door once and when a low “Who is it?” heard from behind the door, Jensen licks his lips nervously before answering.
“It’s Jensen. I need to have a word with you, Jared." For a moment there’s only silence, and Jensen is fidgeting on his feet.
“I’m in a rush.” Jared finally responds with a grunt. “Can’t it wait?”
Jensen can’t help but wonder if he is not the only one who is still so much influenced by what happened last night. Jared sounds angry, and pissed off, and once again Jensen has this feeling that Jared’s pissed off to no one but himself.
“I need to talk.” Jensen perseveres, and cringes when he can hear Jared cursing before the door swings opened a few seconds later.
“What?!” Jared scowls, frown on his forehead and he looks terribly annoyed in his half unbuttoned grey shirt and black pants. Jensen notices Jared has eye bags too and he can smell reeks of alcohol faintly coming from inside the room and a little bit of it from Jared’s breath.
Jensen gulps down and offers Jared a weak smile. “Can I please come in?”
Jared glares at him for long minutes and Jensen has been preparing himself to hear another rejection when finally Jared steps back from the opened door, a silent invitation for Jensen to come in.
Jensen steps in and closes the door behind him. Feeling a bit like a lost kid, Jensen looks around the room that is dominated with brown color and wooden furniture, wondering whether he should be sitting down on that antique chair right there or just standing around somewhere near the door, just in case Jared loses his patience and kicks him out.
Jensen does the last and Jared just barely glances at him standing awkwardly there as he’s rummaging inside his drawer.
“Okay, now talk.” Jared drawls ignorantly, and pulls out a red tie from somewhere inside it.
Jensen stares down. Now as he stands in front of Jared, suddenly he feels his throat clogged by doubt and fear though he knows he must not turning back.
“Um.... I’ve been thinking all night, and I’ve decided to tell you the truth about everything.” Jensen starts with his hands fidgeting, still doesn’t dare looking at Jared.
Jared lifts one of his eyebrows. “Really?” He says dismissively while his hands are busy fixing up the tie around his neck. “You always seemed so set in keeping things for yourself. Why change your mind?”
Jensen doesn’t say anything for a while, thinking how he can tell Jared about everything without making the situation worse than it has been. He glances at an almost empty glass and a half a bottle of whisky on the table at his right side, unconsciously wondering how much Jared had drunk last night.
“Living with you for a couple of weeks, I can feel how much you hate me.” Jensen's voice is hoarse and then he finally looks up. “Really Jared, it kills me inside and I want your hatred to end. But I realize it won’t be gone until I explain all of the things that have been hidden in the dark for so long.”
Jared finishes tucking in his shirt into his pants and he stands there, staring at Jensen with a smirk on his face. “Yeah?” He folds his hands on his chest. “What things?”
“About the reason I left three years ago, and some other things that you should know. I’m hoping what I'm going to say can make us restart our relationship all over again, in a more better terms.” Jensen clutches his end of shirts with his restless hands. This is it.
“I love you, Jared.”
Jared’s smirk disappears at that.
“I know you don’t believe me, or maybe you’re disgusted on hearing me saying this, but I really do love you, more than a love for a brother. That's being said, maybe you can imagine how all of these loathe and vengeance you keep inside yourself for me are driving me crazy with each day passed by. I’ve been trying to hide it for like, ever. But I’m done with it now.” Jensen is rambling, he knows, and he can’t help it because Jared is still standing there without saying anything. “I want you to know that I’ve always loved you, so deeply. I don’t know when it started or what had caused it but the fact is you’re the only one who can make me feel this way.” Jensen says that last words with breath racing.
He finally, finally, told Jared about how he feels, and all these fears and reliefs mix into one inside him. Jensen wonders if perhaps he should stop talking now before he scares Jared with his heart-spilling words.
Jared stares at Jensen in a shock expression. “You love me?”
And looking at the way Jared’s voice gets soft as he said it, Jensen almost choked in emotion because all of this is suddenly becoming too much for him. “Yes, Jared, I do.”
Jared averts his gaze from Jensen to the floor blankly, seems like he’s still trying to digest Jensen’s sudden confession into his mind. Then he looks up, his gaze is sharp once again. “Then why did you leave me?” His voice cracks at the end.
Jensen shakes his head slowly. “I’ve never wanted to tell you this, but..., I’ve gotten my shares of pain for so long and I just can't take it anymore.” Gulping down all his doubts, Jensen tries to be strong and looks at Jared straight in the eyes. “Thomas, your father… He’s… I’m barely 17 when he first started to touch me.”
Jared blinks, and gapes a second later. “What?”
“...He had been abusing me ever since my second year of Senior High. He was abusing me mentally and sexually. And everyday, everyday, I had to bear with all of the things he did to me because Thomas said he won’t pay for my mother’s treatment if I ever said no.” Jensen shakes his head sadly, realizing how his voice is trembling. “You were gone and she’s all I had left. I couldn’t afford to lose her, Jared.”
Jared’s eyes are staring unfocusedly in his shock.
The tears that have already brimming in Jensen's eyes are threatening to fall down in any minute now, but Jensen does all he can to prevent that from happening. It’s not his time to cry. It’s not him whose heart is going to be broken at this spoken truth.
“Then my mother died, and I knew right then that it was my God given chance to save myself, away from Thomas.” Jensen continues in a softer tone. “So I ran away, because it'd be impossible for me to live in this house for even a second longer with Thomas around, reminding me restlessly of things he had done to me.”
Jared suddenly laughs, shaking his head over and over again. “No, no way. If it’s true I would’ve known, would I?” His eyes are wild as he throws those words to Jensen.
“You weren’t there, Jared.” Jensen hisses, helpless at repressing the horrible memories suddenly flooding his mind, tearing open those old wounds and burns his heart. “You never were. Even now I still can't figure out what made you could barely look at me in the eyes ever since we’d grown up into teenagers.”
Jared seems to be taken aback by that and his jaws tightened, but he says nothing.
“Look, me telling you all of this now, I wasn’t blaming anyone here for what had happened.” Jensen smothers his hair back desperately. His emotions are starting to get out of control and if he lets it go on like this, things will surely get messy and stray much too far from his earlier intentions. “All I want now is for you to know the truth, to understand the reason why I did what I did three years ago. It wasn’t because of you. It never was. I love you too much to leave you without good reason. And now I hope after we clear things out, we can start all over again.”
Jared shakes his head wildly, and Jensen can feel his panic comes back at the sight of Jared smothering his hair angrily.
“I’m not asking you to love me back.” Jensen licks his suddenly dried lips, notices how his voice has started to sound begging. “I’m just asking you to forgive me and forget everything in the past. Let’s be brothers, friends, whatever it is you want to happen between us, but please no more hatred.” Jensen rubs his wet eyes because Jared’s figure is starting to get really blurry now. “Not from you. I can’t live with it much longer.”
For a moment nothing heard from both of their mouth, until Jared growls. “Shut up.”
“Jared?” Jensen whispers, feels scared by dark expression suddenly appeared in Jared’s face.
Jared moves fast and suddenly Jensen feels a big hand grabbing his top shirt. The next things Jensen knows is Jared hoisting him backwards swiftly and he lets out a loud huff as he feels his back make an impact with the wall.
“You lying jerk. Stop saying bad things about my father.” Jared glares at Jensen, his eyes narrowing with burning anger and so much else.
Jensen can see all the hurts in Jared’s eyes, knowing that this is exactly what he feared the most if he tells Jared. It’s surely making him suffer so much to know that Thomas is not the same person he has had in mind for years.
“Jared...,” Jensen says with trembling voice, can’t bear the wounded expression in Jared’s face and the fact that Jared’s whole body is trembling. “I’m sorry. Really I am. But I’m telling the truth and sooner or later you’ll have to deal with it.”
Jared growls and shakes him up, and this time Jensen cringes when his head bang the wall pretty hard due to Jared’s harsh movement.
“Shut up or I swear to God I’ll kill you with my own hands.” Jared hisses and Jensen really can’t stop his tears from falling this time.
He doesn’t know what else he can do or say to make this, to make them, right.
“Jared…” Jensen runs a hand over Jared’s cold cheeks, trying to calm him down. But Jared shakes his hands off with his other free hand and his eyes are so dark in color when he sneers.
“What makes you think I’ll believe you? Who knows if you’re lying or not? You could be seducing my father into doing what you said he was doing for all I know.” Jared’s eyes are squinting angrily. “Everyone knows you’re always thirsty for attention, Jensen. Your daddy left you when you were still just a kid, while your mom was lying weakly on bed in those times you needed her most. And I was off just so I could be away from you as far as possible.”
Jensen gapes at Jared’s accusing and hurting words.
But Jared ignores it as he leans his face forward, his huffing breath hits Jensen’s paling face. “You were lonely, and my father was there, with his unconditional love for you and you took advantage of it, didn’t you?”
Jensen shakes his head repeatedly, is afraid now because he can feel Jared’s grips on his collar is just getting tighter and stronger.
“You tempted him, didn’t you Jensen? You tempted him with your angelic looks and beautiful smile. You were so hollow inside and nobody wanted to fill it in for you so you used my father to satisfy your sick needs.” Jared is shouting now. “You’re the one who turned him into this awful person like you said he was, didn’t you?!”
Jensen shuts his eyes tight, hoping to bury down Jared’s words deep into the back of his mind because they hurt much more than this big hand that is hoisting and half choking him with unimaginable strength.
Jared’s breath is hot in his ear when he whispers, “You want me to stop hating you, little brother? Then keep dreaming.”
Jared grips Jensen tighter, and drags him along as he turns towards the bed and throws Jensen onto it.
“I think you haven’t fully grasped it in your mind on just how much I loathe you. So, let me show it to you now.” Jared says in a low tone as he slowly unfastens his tie and makes step after step, approaching the bed where Jensen’s laying helplessly.
Seeing that, Jensen realizes exactly what Jared means with it and fear is clutching him so tight. All of a sudden he feels like he’s 16 again, helpless and crying with Thomas' roaming hands on his skin.
Panic and scared, Jensen scurries back on the bed, trying to escape Jared’s seemingly unstoppable wrath.
But as Jared’s hand reaches forward and grips one of his legs, Jensen knows he's done for.
---00o00---
It hurts.
Jensen remembers that it is indeed supposed to hurt, especially when it’s done this roughly and unprepared.
But it hurts a lot more this time.
The pain is flaring hotly through his body, and it’s so excruciating that Jensen can only burrow his head deeper into the sheet, gritting his teeth. He is trying to escape the pain, pushes his body away in caterpillar-like movement, but Jared’s strong grip in his waist stops him from moving.
Then something clicks on his head.
It’s not his body which is in pain. Not when he can feel it goes numb with every thrust.
It’s his inside that is on fire, and it feels like the hotness is spreading wildly, trying so hard to find a way out. But he can sense that all of him is closing up. Even his pores felt like they're scrunching in; trying with no success to refuse to let even a bead of sweat out.
This is bad.
Everything in Jensen wants out.
Everything in him wants to escape this cruel reality. But his body seems so eager to shut him down, to make him oblivious to everything outside just so it can force him to fully acknowledge what he feels inside.
Jensen is squeezing his eyes shut all the time, hopes by doing so; he can dodge the harsh fact that this is different.
God, this whole thing -the hands that are roughly caressing his back, the teeth brutally nipping his ear line, the whole non-consented sexual thing- they are so familiar that Jensen can almost feel tingles of anticipation along with disgust coursing through his body.
But this is different. This is not that damn Thomas.
This is Jared.
This is Jared who is pinning his hand painfully behind his back to prevent him from escaping.
This is Jared who is thrusting hard and raw inside Jensen despite his scattered pleading for him to stop.
This is Jared whose breathing is heavy on top of him, drowning in his own search of pleasure and ignores Jensen’s pain.
This is Jared who's whispering dirty and demeaning words to him; desperately tries to crush Jensen’s already dented pride into pieces of dust.
This is his Jared. His beloved Jared. His everything.
This is Jared who tenses suddenly, groaning and spilling his burning seed inside Jensen, and it feels like all of his hate, his anger, his grudge, his everything but love is also spilled inside. So deep that Jensen knows he’ll feel them for many times to come. And no matter how many times he cleans them out, they’ll stay stuck, for they are like a brand from Jared for him.
A brand that will mark him as everything but Jared’s.
A brand that’ll entitle him as something he always is. As whom he meant to be. As something he always refuses to acknowledge for he still holds his hope high.
It is a brand that marks Jensen as nothing.
So when Jared withdraws himself, Jensen almost weeps for the irony that Jared pulls out in a sickeningly gentle movement right after he fucked Jensen in a very contradictive way.
It’s like he is afraid he’ll hurt Jensen if he moves in a hurry. He lets Jensen’s arms go in a soothing way. And silently, he rises up; lifting himself off of Jensen’s naked back and off the bed.
His gentleness makes Jensen’s heart flutter weakly in expectations.
Maybe he’s sorry?
And Jensen, if anything, is always a sucker for hopes.
So Jensen gathers his strength, tries hard to ignore the pain and the soreness all over his body. Bit back his whimper when he feels his lower body throbs mercilessly.
Please, Jared, be sorry.
God, please make him sorry for everything.
Please heal me.
It’s not too late.
I still love you.
Hug me and tell me that I mean something for you.
Say that you love me….
Jensen’s scrambling to get up, all the while praying for God to spare him the sentiment and make his hopes come true.
But apparently, God didn’t take his offer for a truce.
Jared is sitting on one of the chairs facing the bed. His suit is crumpled and disheveled and his pants are still unzipped, showing traces of dark hair inside. Jensen can not help but think that Jared truly looks like a sex god. A very cruel one at that.
He is slouched and slumped over the chair and looks like he is all relaxed, but it’s his eyes that give away everything.
From his eyes, Jensen knows that once again, his hopes are abandoned.
Jared is looking at Jensen with such hatred and a chilly anger, even more intense than before. And somehow, his gaze makes Jensen feel so dirty, so unworthy than ever.
“I don’t believe in everything you said and I don’t want to hear any of it coming out of your dirty mouth once again.” Jared’s voice is cold and sharp and it slits Jensen’s heart open. “This house is yours now. All of my father’s fucking inheritance is yours. And you can have every acre, every company, every goddamn penny of my father’s money and all the heartaches and problems that will burden you along with it. I’ll take care of it with Jeff and make sure all of it will be done legally. And then I wish, my God, I will never have to see your face anymore.”
Jared’s cruel words make Jensen’s heart shrink; make something inside him wilt and die.
It’s a litany of hatred and it makes Jensen suddenly feel so difficult to breathe, or think. All of the soreness, the throbbing pain, the hurt, everything is coming back to him with a full force, and it’s adding up to a dawning realization that he will never be something to Jared.
Sobbing, Jensen moves to pick up his scattered clothes on the floor and flees the room.
---00o00---
Jared thinks he should’ve felt satisfied now because he was just succeeded in realizing his plan to make Jensen living hell.
But the fact is: all of these sharp regrets and self-hate and pointless anger and the doubts inside him still refuse to go away and Jared is surprised when he feels a bead of tear rolling down his cheek.
Closing his eyes, Jared can still remember Jensen’s whimperings, how he looked so broken right before he collected his clothes and walked out with his head down.
Jared wipes his face harshly with one of his now sweaty hands and curse this very day as he reaches for the half bottle of whisky on the table.
TBC
PS: My warning has vaguely said it all, so I'm sorry if you're surprised at this twist. :D
Comments, or killing threats are welcomed~!
Oh, and is there any of you who is also a member of Sinful Desire.org? Can you tell me what's happening to the site? I can't access it at all. The net keeps redirecting me to another credit card thingy site with same name...T.T
EDIT: Since there are so many people curious about the ending of this fic and I haven't got enough time (RL is a bitch) to reply to those comments, I will inform all of you guys that YES, THIS FIC WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING. FYI, I never write a sad ending fic. Tragic, yes. But a sad ending is a big no no in my book. My life has been too fucked up enough without sad ending in my own story.
Now the problem is whether I will be able to fulfill everyone's expectation in my way to tread the happy ending or not. And just so you know, I often lose my sleep because of the building anxiety. So, wish me luck? ^^;