Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:05:41 UTC
Eukleides was gazing down at home still wearing Sherlock's face, head cradled in the man's lap his smell oddly fragrant for a rough sleeper. "John say something. I haven't broken you have I?" the vision said in Sherlock's petulant upset voice. "I thought you were a solider." Sherlock's voice disappeared in to the furious buzzing filling John's ears as it became clear that this really was Sherlock
( ... )
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:11:23 UTC
I've only just read the first few paragraphs, but I was wonder - are you an ESL/is English not your first language? I'm wondering because there's a few misplaced words and I was wondering if they're just typos.
Also, I got dub-conn-y and dom/sub vibes from the idea that John has a lock on his cock! I'll keep reading though to see if there's something else that might give it that vibe.
Thank you! I see what you mean about the line, I'll definitely revise that if I repost this somewhere. I do agree that Sherlock stabbing Moran is OOC and maybe I should have built up his anger a bit more there to make it better, I'm not sure. Thanks for your other points as well!
To the whit: 1. You use comma splices a lot (ie. "His imagination is, apparently, much less..." and "Surprisingly enough, it worked, and Sherlock never forgot it.") Another comma splice
2. "He has four numbers tattooed onto both his knuckles - dates, by the looks of them. 2007 and 2009. The years his children were born, Sherlock reads." I understand what you're saying, but it's a bit awkward.
And I think that the whole "stabbing in the alleyway" is a bit OOC.
WARNING vagina dentata 1/2
anonymous
June 19 2012, 23:19:51 UTC
a/n It was meant to be horror and I think I sort of failed on that, so if anyone could point me in the right direction while rubbishing my SPAG I'd be very grateful
( ... )
WARNING vagina dentata 2/2
anonymous
June 19 2012, 23:20:29 UTC
She grips his hips with her legs, holds on to his arms so that he doesn’t hit her in his flailing. There is a bloom of intensity deep in her, a beautiful sensation of fullness and of slaking a thirst, of standing still and letting the sun warm exposed skin, hot and powerful
( ... )
Re: WARNING vagina dentata 2/2
anonymous
June 20 2012, 19:20:38 UTC
Thank you :D
It was a horror faerie prompt (though I'm not the horror faerie) and to be frank I'm not entirely sure what vagina dentata is either :I I sort of made it up. Definitely better research next time then.
And I see what you mean about boring non essential detail. I'm too used to writing long fic, bleh. Thank you again!
Re: CRITIQUE ME: Quid Pro Quo (Mycroft/Sherlock), incomplete
anonymous
June 20 2012, 04:54:57 UTC
He pitied the boy, really. He was already all aflush, his pains to hide it beneath a veneer of coquettishness notwithstanding. When he climbed into Mycroft's lap, he couldn't help a smile. Sherlock responded in kind, arms twining about Mycroft's neck to steady himself. He bit his lip, prettily. Such an obvious affectation should have seemed garish---entirely too artificial to be at all appealing---but it was a pleasing affectation all the same
( ... )
Re: CRITIQUE ME: Quid Pro Quo (Mycroft/Sherlock), incomplete
anonymous
June 20 2012, 04:57:24 UTC
Mycroft sucked two fingers into his mouth and wet them liberally before reaching back down to where he was pressed inside Sherlock. He rubbed lightly around the rim as Sherlock rocked back and forth, working himself loose. He let a groan of pleasure escape his lips, delighting in the way Sherlock flushed at his praise. Sherlock kept shifting, his muscles squeezing Mycroft deliciously as he tried to get comfortable on his prick.
Sherlock rubbed his face into Mycroft's shoulder, mumbling, "Why haven't you come yet?"
"Don't tell me you're bored, little brother."
Sherlock sat back on him with a scowl. "You're just lying there
( ... )
Can you please critique my fic?
anonymous
June 27 2012, 14:51:56 UTC
I'm writing an epistolary fic on the meme, and I would love to get your honest opinion on it. It's my first time writing something only in texts, and I'd like to know how I'm handling the format.
English is not my first language, so please be brutal when SPAG is concerned.
I'm also not british, so brit-picking would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I would love to know what you think of my characterization, about the cases, the relationship...anything.
Re: Can you please critique my fic?
anonymous
June 27 2012, 15:49:35 UTC
FWIW, this is laugh-out-loud funny at points, and I think your voices are very good. There are perhaps some wandering commas at points that I'm not noting (and I'm that fussed about them at all in a text fic, tbh). I'm putting some phrasing stuff under the cut, with the caveat that I speak American English.
Re: Can you please critique my fic?
anonymous
June 27 2012, 16:10:24 UTC
Wow, thank you so much for your help! I think I could read a story 100 times before posting it and still miss some things (masochist instead of sadistic? that's embarrassing).
I Googled "wandering comma" and all I could find was a photograph exhibit. Can you tell me what they are so I can be more careful in my next chapters?
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Also, I got dub-conn-y and dom/sub vibes from the idea that John has a lock on his cock! I'll keep reading though to see if there's something else that might give it that vibe.
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To the whit:
1. You use comma splices a lot (ie. "His imagination is, apparently, much less..." and "Surprisingly enough, it worked, and Sherlock never forgot it.")
Another comma splice
2. "He has four numbers tattooed onto both his knuckles - dates, by the looks of them. 2007 and 2009. The years his children were born, Sherlock reads."
I understand what you're saying, but it's a bit awkward.
And I think that the whole "stabbing in the alleyway" is a bit OOC.
I'd read it again, though.
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It was a horror faerie prompt (though I'm not the horror faerie) and to be frank I'm not entirely sure what vagina dentata is either :I I sort of made it up. Definitely better research next time then.
And I see what you mean about boring non essential detail. I'm too used to writing long fic, bleh. Thank you again!
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Sherlock rubbed his face into Mycroft's shoulder, mumbling, "Why haven't you come yet?"
"Don't tell me you're bored, little brother."
Sherlock sat back on him with a scowl. "You're just lying there ( ... )
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English is not my first language, so please be brutal when SPAG is concerned.
I'm also not british, so brit-picking would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I would love to know what you think of my characterization, about the cases, the relationship...anything.
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http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/19700.html?thread=115117300#t115117300
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[click for word vomit]2b: (03:26 ( ... )
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I Googled "wandering comma" and all I could find was a photograph exhibit. Can you tell me what they are so I can be more careful in my next chapters?
Thanks for your time; I really appreciate it :)
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