I'd say overall very good. Better than most. I do have one thing:
This line: "Droning on like he's reading from a script he doesn't quite believe in." Sort of hangs out there - it doesn't really make any sense, given that you say previously that John's voice mail is the same, and how comforted it makes Sherlock feel. If he'd changed it, as he does later, that would be something to remark upon, to make it seem off or unusual, but it's an emotional hit with nothing behind it; a line that stands out for craft but doesn't mean anything. You do a great job tying it all together later, but that's the one that stands out.
Your writing is solid, with good word usage and good craft. The emotional through-line is solid and works all the way through. I like the way you used the phone calls to track Sherlock's timeline, his emotional journey. I think perhaps Sherlock stabbing Moran in an alley was a bit OOC, but that's just preference on my part, I think. I'd have liked to see a bit more of John's reactions to the constant hang-ups a little earlier on, though he did pass it off as a prank and change his number eventually, I think that either would have happened earlier, or he would have pushed the issue earlier. But that's nitpicky bullshit on my part and you're free to ignore it.
I'd be happy to read another fill of yours anytime, though. Good work.
Thank you! I see what you mean about the line, I'll definitely revise that if I repost this somewhere. I do agree that Sherlock stabbing Moran is OOC and maybe I should have built up his anger a bit more there to make it better, I'm not sure. Thanks for your other points as well!
This line: "Droning on like he's reading from a script he doesn't quite believe in." Sort of hangs out there - it doesn't really make any sense, given that you say previously that John's voice mail is the same, and how comforted it makes Sherlock feel. If he'd changed it, as he does later, that would be something to remark upon, to make it seem off or unusual, but it's an emotional hit with nothing behind it; a line that stands out for craft but doesn't mean anything. You do a great job tying it all together later, but that's the one that stands out.
Your writing is solid, with good word usage and good craft. The emotional through-line is solid and works all the way through. I like the way you used the phone calls to track Sherlock's timeline, his emotional journey. I think perhaps Sherlock stabbing Moran in an alley was a bit OOC, but that's just preference on my part, I think. I'd have liked to see a bit more of John's reactions to the constant hang-ups a little earlier on, though he did pass it off as a prank and change his number eventually, I think that either would have happened earlier, or he would have pushed the issue earlier. But that's nitpicky bullshit on my part and you're free to ignore it.
I'd be happy to read another fill of yours anytime, though. Good work.
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