Re: Can you please critique my fic?
anonymous
June 27 2012, 15:49:35 UTC
FWIW, this is laugh-out-loud funny at points, and I think your voices are very good. There are perhaps some wandering commas at points that I'm not noting (and I'm that fussed about them at all in a text fic, tbh). I'm putting some phrasing stuff under the cut, with the caveat that I speak American English.
2b: (03:26) "When I'll get it right, you'll tell me?" ---> "When I get it right..."
2c: (11:48) A missing cat, a missing brooch, a missing fiancé, a missing government document, and a missing iPhone. Can't anyone hold on to anything? ----> Some people might disagree with me, but I'd swap "on to" for "onto"
3a: (22:19) I’m on a date with my girlfriend! Succumb to your own body needs and go to sleep. ---> "body" should be "bodily"
3c: "I'll try to refrain myself." --> should be "restrain"
(04:23) You have masochist tendencies that your wife refuses to indulge, so you often get a bit rough with the rent boys. Not always consensually. SH ---> do you mean "sadistic"? that is, the one inflicting the roughing up? Because when I picture "getting a bit rough" I always assume the person doing it is doing the roughing up, not receiving it. In which case, they would be on the S side of s and m.
3e:
(16:17) I can’t confirm if it’s true, but apparently Joey had scheduled to send an email that would have exposed the truth to all the biggest papers and TV networks. Bill’s fortune had diminished considerably in the last years and he was desperate. He managed to slip some of his Digoxin into Joey’s tea, and then he threw him overboard. SH
---> not necessarily wrong, but "had scheduled to send" sounds awkward to me here. Maybe use "scheduled an [automatic] email" or "arranged to send"?
4a:
(09:06) (20:06) Isn't how more interesting than whom? SH
--> "who?" (still implicitly the subject of "Who committed the crime?"
4f: (16:41) This pawnbroker came to see me. A few weeks earlier, his assistant had urged him to answer an add from The Red-Headed League offering work to red-headed applicants only. He applied and he got the job because apparently he was the only one with genuine red hair. SH
--> "add" --> ad
5c (16:34) I think you would enjoy it; it would most likely expand your technology knowledge. SH
--> I'd go with "technological knowledge" or "knowledge of technology"
Re: Can you please critique my fic?
anonymous
June 27 2012, 16:10:24 UTC
Wow, thank you so much for your help! I think I could read a story 100 times before posting it and still miss some things (masochist instead of sadistic? that's embarrassing).
I Googled "wandering comma" and all I could find was a photograph exhibit. Can you tell me what they are so I can be more careful in my next chapters?
Re: Can you please critique my fic?
anonymous
June 27 2012, 16:20:10 UTC
Ha. Sorry-- "wandering commas" is a really casual and not terribly common phrase for when there are sometimes commas dropped in some places and extra commas in others, so that it looks like they've "wandered" off.
I just meant that a few times there might have been a comma splice (two independent clauses joined by a comma with no conjunction), phrases that could possibly have been separated out by a period or semicolon, etc. Since this is essentially a dialogue fic, and people tend to add on phrases like that when speaking anyway, I'm not sure if it's something you really need to worry about--I pretty much read it as a stylistic indication of how fast Sherlock or John was thinking.
Re: Can you please critique my fic?
anonymous
June 27 2012, 16:56:44 UTC
I thought about comma splices and semicolons way too much while writing this. Personally, I think Sherlock would use semicolons in his texts, so I'll go back and double check what I wrote to see what I missed.
As for John...I honestly don't know. Judging from his blog entries, I don't think he would use them, but I'm not sure. Or maybe he would use them when his fingers aren't trying to catch up with his brain when I imagine him writing as fast as he can (when annoyed or very excited).
Next time I read it from the beginning, I'll look more closely. Maybe I could make Sherlock use semicolons and fix John's comma splices with periods.
[click for word vomit]
2b: (03:26)
"When I'll get it right, you'll tell me?" ---> "When I get it right..."
2c: (11:48)
A missing cat, a missing brooch, a
missing fiancé, a missing
government document, and a
missing iPhone. Can't anyone hold
on to anything?
----> Some people might disagree with me, but I'd swap "on to" for "onto"
3a: (22:19)
I’m on a date with my girlfriend!
Succumb to your own body
needs and go to sleep.
---> "body" should be "bodily"
3c: "I'll try to refrain myself." --> should be "restrain"
(04:23)
You have masochist
tendencies that your wife
refuses to indulge, so you
often get a bit rough with
the rent boys. Not always
consensually.
SH
---> do you mean "sadistic"? that is, the one inflicting the roughing up? Because when I picture "getting a bit rough" I always assume the person doing it is doing the roughing up, not receiving it. In which case, they would be on the S side of s and m.
3e:
(16:17)
I can’t confirm if it’s true, but
apparently Joey had scheduled
to send an email that would have
exposed the truth to all the
biggest papers and TV networks.
Bill’s fortune had diminished
considerably in the last years
and he was desperate. He
managed to slip some of his
Digoxin into Joey’s tea, and then
he threw him overboard.
SH
---> not necessarily wrong, but "had scheduled to send" sounds awkward to me here. Maybe use "scheduled an [automatic] email" or "arranged to send"?
4a:
(09:06) (20:06)
Isn't how more interesting than
whom?
SH
--> "who?" (still implicitly the subject of "Who committed the crime?"
4f:
(16:41)
This pawnbroker came to see
me. A few weeks earlier, his
assistant had urged him to
answer an add from The
Red-Headed League offering
work to red-headed applicants
only. He applied and he got
the job because apparently he
was the only one with genuine
red hair.
SH
--> "add" --> ad
5c
(16:34)
I think you would enjoy it; it
would most likely expand
your technology knowledge.
SH
--> I'd go with "technological knowledge" or "knowledge of technology"
Reply
I Googled "wandering comma" and all I could find was a photograph exhibit. Can you tell me what they are so I can be more careful in my next chapters?
Thanks for your time; I really appreciate it :)
Reply
I just meant that a few times there might have been a comma splice (two independent clauses joined by a comma with no conjunction), phrases that could possibly have been separated out by a period or semicolon, etc. Since this is essentially a dialogue fic, and people tend to add on phrases like that when speaking anyway, I'm not sure if it's something you really need to worry about--I pretty much read it as a stylistic indication of how fast Sherlock or John was thinking.
Reply
As for John...I honestly don't know. Judging from his blog entries, I don't think he would use them, but I'm not sure. Or maybe he would use them when his fingers aren't trying to catch up with his brain when I imagine him writing as fast as he can (when annoyed or very excited).
Next time I read it from the beginning, I'll look more closely. Maybe I could make Sherlock use semicolons and fix John's comma splices with periods.
Again, thanks for your help!
Reply
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