Working Title :Johnlock 1/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:04:47 UTC
This is crap and also posted at the rant post. Why does it suck and why does it keep trying to veer off into dubcon?
Warning: Dubcon, Reichenbach
It took John two hours a stupidly long time to notice. Moriarty was attempting to frame Sherlock and nothing else had been on the radar.
It was not until Sherlock was sulking at Barts' that he had time to go to the toilet. The finding thick impersonal rubber where there should have been sensitive flesh did not register at first. John looked down distractedly to see a black tube around his penis connected to snug ring around his scrotum by a combination lock. Nothing constricted or pulled but it was firmly affixed to his prick as a light tug showed.
Survival instincts from Afghanistan and Sherlock made him take care of his aching bladder as his mind boggled. When he went to bed last night there had been nothing on his body but his pyjamas. Somehow over the course of the night this contraption had been put on him. Under normal circumstances he would have immediately suspected that Sherlock was running an insane sociological experiment on him but after Moriarty’s visit to the flat he did not feel so secure.
Done he returned to the lab ready to tell Sherlock to get this thing off when the phone call that Mrs Hudson had been shot came. Nowhere in what followed could John find time to berate Sherlock for his lack of respect for John’s body or possessions.
…
John was a competent GP if somewhat bored and divorced from his colleagues and patients. Over the last three years he had slowly got used to Sherlock’s death. Every day he thought less about him less and it hurt a little less to suddenly be reminded. Slowly he stopped seeing Sherlock in every tall, slim man he saw and came to except the Sherlock had really died. The holes in his life Sherlock had left were filled with the monotony of work; dulling the pain with hours of shifts as he moved from a locum position to full time.
Mycroft’s implicit confirmation that the chastity belt had been fitted by Sherlock helped to ease the transition out of active mourning. Mycroft’s refusal to provide it the combination to the lock and his active interference in John’s attempts to get it removed cut John off from what remain of his and Sherlock’s life.
Today he was working on emergency appointments; his last appointment of the day was a walk in who gave his name as Eukleides Morris and his address as one of the stock homeless addresses. The man who entered his room after he called was stooped with a thick head of bushy white hair dressed in old fashioned worn looking clothing. Something about him seemed familiar to John but it was a feeling he had grown used to ignoring over the last few years.
Eukleides complained in a deep croaking voice of a chronic smoker. His broken baratone narrating the indignities of life on the streets in an oddly soothing manner. His only true medical complaint was a gimp leg that bothered him during the night. Inviting Eukleides to take off his shoes and roll up his trousers John turned to gather the necessary gubins to carry out a full examination.
When John turned back to face the man his griseled and worn patient had disapeared. In his place a tired and haggered Sherlock grinned at him. Fear ran ice cold through his veins. He thought he had got over this. It was no time to be halucinating his best friend was alive. He blinked hoping the delusion would disipate in to the vague sense of familiarity that had been bothering him since Eukleides walked in to his room.
When he opened his eyes the vision was looking at him concern creasing his brow. Panic bubbled and he felt himself grow faint. Please not now was his only thought as he tumbled over the edge into oblivion.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:05:41 UTC
...
Eukleides was gazing down at home still wearing Sherlock's face, head cradled in the man's lap his smell oddly fragrant for a rough sleeper. "John say something. I haven't broken you have I?" the vision said in Sherlock's petulant upset voice. "I thought you were a solider." Sherlock's voice disappeared in to the furious buzzing filling John's ears as it became clear that this really was Sherlock.
He reared out of Sherlock's lap. "You bastard," he spat throwing a fist at the manipulative tosser. His fist was caught between two iron tight hands. "Take it off." he pleaded.
Sherlock released his fist to wrestle him down to the ground. Superior strength and reach removing the advantage of John's training. "No," Sherlock murmured his voice an silky tone as one hand snaked down between their bodies to cup John's captive dick. "It's kept you mine without concern for 3 years." Sherlock's fingers twisted painfully around John's balls, "No one wants a man who can't even take his dead boyfriend’s chastity belt off."
Footsteps outside the door interrupted whatever else Sherlock might have gone on to say and his hand released its painful grip in John's balls to clasp at the back of his head pulling him into a determined kiss. John heard the door open as his touch starved traitors body relaxed into Sherlock a sick sense of relief filling him as he felt Sherlock alive and well. The startled gasp and the door slamming closed barely registering as he moaned into Sherlock's eager mouth balls hot and heavy against Sherlock's thigh.
Sherlock wormed a leg between John’s pushing up almost painfully into the juncture between John’s legs as he ground his wrists together. To John’s horror arousal fizzed through his body and pressed up in to Sherlock with a moan. He could feel Sherlock smirking against his mouth. "Definitely not taking it off." Sherlock said drawing off from the kiss.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:11:23 UTC
I've only just read the first few paragraphs, but I was wonder - are you an ESL/is English not your first language? I'm wondering because there's a few misplaced words and I was wondering if they're just typos.
Also, I got dub-conn-y and dom/sub vibes from the idea that John has a lock on his cock! I'll keep reading though to see if there's something else that might give it that vibe.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:17:12 UTC
NA
Overall, I found it pretty readable, but way more dub-con than crack.
YMMV, but for me to go along with the original premise (3 yrs of cock lock--ouch, John not noticing for hours, etc), it needs to head more firmly into crack. As it stands, the tone for much of the middle is almost wistful--"The holes in his life Sherlock had left were filled with the monotony of work; dulling the pain with hours of shifts as he moved from a locum position to full time." This also sets up the dub-conny vibe I get in the end, where John is already primed to let Sherlock do whatever he wants.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:21:06 UTC
I have to be honest -- I entirely fail to understand how a plot which features Sherlock somehow sneaking a locked chastity belt onto John the night before he commits "suicide", then coming back 3 years later to check it's still there, can be anything other than dubcon-ish.
Even if all the actual sex is fully consensual, the fact remains that your fic centres around Sherlock LOCKING UP John's cock and balls against his will for 3 years. You're going to have to work damn hard to make that amusing crack with no dubcon.
Sorry, nonnie.
There are a lot of punctuation and misplaced word errors in this too which make it a bit tricky to parse in places.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:34:02 UTC
Eukleides was gazing down at home
I'm assuming "home" is supposed to be "him"? Also, since you've already established that Eukleides is Sherlock, I would consider changing the sentence around to read that it is, in fact, Sherlock looking down at John, even just something like "Sherlock was gazing down at him, head cradled in the man's (who is "the man" here?) lap, his smell..."
the manipulative tosser
"Sherlock" would work fine here, or even "throwing a fist at Sherlock for being a manipulative tosser".
"No," Sherlock murmured his voice an silky tone
Comma between "murmured" and "his", and also change "an" to "a".
Footsteps outside the door interrupted whatever else Sherlock might have gone on to say and his hand
Period after "say". Start the next sentence with "His hand", and add a comma after "head", before "pulling him into a determined kiss".
traitors
"Traitorous".
The startled gasp and the door slamming closed barely registering
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 1/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:24:21 UTC
First sentence, there should be some form of punctuation between "two hours" and "a stupid long time to notice". I would use a dash, personally, but that's just me. You could probably get away with a comma.
It was not until Sherlock was sulking at Barts' that he had time to go to the toilet.
Change "he" to "John", otherwise it reads that Sherlock is going to the loo. Also, in the sentence after that, "The" doesn't need to be there.
Survival instincts from Afghanistan and Sherlock
I would add something like "living with Sherlock" here.
Sherlock was running an insane sociological experiment on him Add a comma after this.
Done he returned to the lab ready to tell Sherlock
I suggest changing "done" to "finished", or even "having relieved himself".
John was a competent GP
Comma after "GP".
Slowly he stopped seeing Sherlock in every tall, slim man he saw and came to except
It's "accept", not "except"
Mycroft’s refusal to provide it the
Random "it" that doesn't need to be there.
The man who entered his room after he called was stooped with a thick head of bushy white hair dressed in old fashioned worn looking clothing
This sentence reads a little clumsy to me. Maybe add a comma or two? Especially after "was stooped", comma, "with a thick head of busy" comma "white hair and dressed in..."
He blinked hoping the delusion would disipate Comma after "blinked".
Please not now was his only thought as he tumbled over the edge into oblivion.
Add quotation marks, or make "Please, not now" italic so the reader knows John is thinking. Also, change "his" to "John's. There are also a few spelling errors, but spell-check should pick those up.
So far the only dub-con thing I'm getting from this is the chastity belt.
Warning: Dubcon, Reichenbach
It took John two hours a stupidly long time to notice. Moriarty was attempting to frame Sherlock and nothing else had been on the radar.
It was not until Sherlock was sulking at Barts' that he had time to go to the toilet. The finding thick impersonal rubber where there should have been sensitive flesh did not register at first. John looked down distractedly to see a black tube around his penis connected to snug ring around his scrotum by a combination lock. Nothing constricted or pulled but it was firmly affixed to his prick as a light tug showed.
Survival instincts from Afghanistan and Sherlock made him take care of his aching bladder as his mind boggled. When he went to bed last night there had been nothing on his body but his pyjamas. Somehow over the course of the night this contraption had been put on him. Under normal circumstances he would have immediately suspected that Sherlock was running an insane sociological experiment on him but after Moriarty’s visit to the flat he did not feel so secure.
Done he returned to the lab ready to tell Sherlock to get this thing off when the phone call that Mrs Hudson had been shot came. Nowhere in what followed could John find time to berate Sherlock for his lack of respect for John’s body or possessions.
…
John was a competent GP if somewhat bored and divorced from his colleagues and patients. Over the last three years he had slowly got used to Sherlock’s death. Every day he thought less about him less and it hurt a little less to suddenly be reminded. Slowly he stopped seeing Sherlock in every tall, slim man he saw and came to except the Sherlock had really died. The holes in his life Sherlock had left were filled with the monotony of work; dulling the pain with hours of shifts as he moved from a locum position to full time.
Mycroft’s implicit confirmation that the chastity belt had been fitted by Sherlock helped to ease the transition out of active mourning. Mycroft’s refusal to provide it the combination to the lock and his active interference in John’s attempts to get it removed cut John off from what remain of his and Sherlock’s life.
Today he was working on emergency appointments; his last appointment of the day was a walk in who gave his name as Eukleides Morris and his address as one of the stock homeless addresses. The man who entered his room after he called was stooped with a thick head of bushy white hair dressed in old fashioned worn looking clothing. Something about him seemed familiar to John but it was a feeling he had grown used to ignoring over the last few years.
Eukleides complained in a deep croaking voice of a chronic smoker. His broken baratone narrating the indignities of life on the streets in an oddly soothing manner. His only true medical complaint was a gimp leg that bothered him during the night. Inviting Eukleides to take off his shoes and roll up his trousers John turned to gather the necessary gubins to carry out a full examination.
When John turned back to face the man his griseled and worn patient had disapeared. In his place a tired and haggered Sherlock grinned at him. Fear ran ice cold through his veins. He thought he had got over this. It was no time to be halucinating his best friend was alive. He blinked hoping the delusion would disipate in to the vague sense of familiarity that had been bothering him since Eukleides walked in to his room.
When he opened his eyes the vision was looking at him concern creasing his brow. Panic bubbled and he felt himself grow faint. Please not now was his only thought as he tumbled over the edge into oblivion.
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Eukleides was gazing down at home still wearing Sherlock's face, head cradled in the man's lap his smell oddly fragrant for a rough sleeper. "John say something. I haven't broken you have I?" the vision said in Sherlock's petulant upset voice. "I thought you were a solider." Sherlock's voice disappeared in to the furious buzzing filling John's ears as it became clear that this really was Sherlock.
He reared out of Sherlock's lap. "You bastard," he spat throwing a fist at the manipulative tosser. His fist was caught between two iron tight hands. "Take it off." he pleaded.
Sherlock released his fist to wrestle him down to the ground. Superior strength and reach removing the advantage of John's training. "No," Sherlock murmured his voice an silky tone as one hand snaked down between their bodies to cup John's captive dick. "It's kept you mine without concern for 3 years." Sherlock's fingers twisted painfully around John's balls, "No one wants a man who can't even take his dead boyfriend’s chastity belt off."
Footsteps outside the door interrupted whatever else Sherlock might have gone on to say and his hand released its painful grip in John's balls to clasp at the back of his head pulling him into a determined kiss. John heard the door open as his touch starved traitors body relaxed into Sherlock a sick sense of relief filling him as he felt Sherlock alive and well. The startled gasp and the door slamming closed barely registering as he moaned into Sherlock's eager mouth balls hot and heavy against Sherlock's thigh.
Sherlock wormed a leg between John’s pushing up almost painfully into the juncture between John’s legs as he ground his wrists together. To John’s horror arousal fizzed through his body and pressed up in to Sherlock with a moan. He could feel Sherlock smirking against his mouth. "Definitely not taking it off." Sherlock said drawing off from the kiss.
Reply
Also, I got dub-conn-y and dom/sub vibes from the idea that John has a lock on his cock! I'll keep reading though to see if there's something else that might give it that vibe.
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Overall, I found it pretty readable, but way more dub-con than crack.
YMMV, but for me to go along with the original premise (3 yrs of cock lock--ouch, John not noticing for hours, etc), it needs to head more firmly into crack. As it stands, the tone for much of the middle is almost wistful--"The holes in his life Sherlock had left were filled with the monotony of work; dulling the pain with hours of shifts as he moved from a locum position to full time." This also sets up the dub-conny vibe I get in the end, where John is already primed to let Sherlock do whatever he wants.
Maybe more WTF, who does this??
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Even if all the actual sex is fully consensual, the fact remains that your fic centres around Sherlock LOCKING UP John's cock and balls against his will for 3 years. You're going to have to work damn hard to make that amusing crack with no dubcon.
Sorry, nonnie.
There are a lot of punctuation and misplaced word errors in this too which make it a bit tricky to parse in places.
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I'm assuming "home" is supposed to be "him"? Also, since you've already established that Eukleides is Sherlock, I would consider changing the sentence around to read that it is, in fact, Sherlock looking down at John, even just something like "Sherlock was gazing down at him, head cradled in the man's (who is "the man" here?) lap, his smell..."
the manipulative tosser
"Sherlock" would work fine here, or even "throwing a fist at Sherlock for being a manipulative tosser".
"No," Sherlock murmured his voice an silky tone
Comma between "murmured" and "his", and also change "an" to "a".
Footsteps outside the door interrupted whatever else Sherlock might have gone on to say and his hand
Period after "say". Start the next sentence with "His hand", and add a comma after "head", before "pulling him into a determined kiss".
traitors
"Traitorous".
The startled gasp and the door slamming closed barely registering
Should be "registered"
To John’s horror
Comma after "horror".
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When Eukeleides is looking at John the reader should know that it's Sherlock but John hasn't quite got there yet which is what I was trying to say.
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It was not until Sherlock was sulking at Barts' that he had time to go to the toilet.
Change "he" to "John", otherwise it reads that Sherlock is going to the loo. Also, in the sentence after that, "The" doesn't need to be there.
Survival instincts from Afghanistan and Sherlock
I would add something like "living with Sherlock" here.
Sherlock was running an insane sociological experiment on him
Add a comma after this.
Done he returned to the lab ready to tell Sherlock
I suggest changing "done" to "finished", or even "having relieved himself".
John was a competent GP
Comma after "GP".
Slowly he stopped seeing Sherlock in every tall, slim man he saw and came to except
It's "accept", not "except"
Mycroft’s refusal to provide it the
Random "it" that doesn't need to be there.
The man who entered his room after he called was stooped with a thick head of bushy white hair dressed in old fashioned worn looking clothing
This sentence reads a little clumsy to me. Maybe add a comma or two? Especially after "was stooped", comma, "with a thick head of busy" comma "white hair and dressed in..."
He blinked hoping the delusion would disipate
Comma after "blinked".
Please not now was his only thought as he tumbled over the edge into oblivion.
Add quotation marks, or make "Please, not now" italic so the reader knows John is thinking. Also, change "his" to "John's. There are also a few spelling errors, but spell-check should pick those up.
So far the only dub-con thing I'm getting from this is the chastity belt.
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