Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:05:41 UTC
Eukleides was gazing down at home still wearing Sherlock's face, head cradled in the man's lap his smell oddly fragrant for a rough sleeper. "John say something. I haven't broken you have I?" the vision said in Sherlock's petulant upset voice. "I thought you were a solider." Sherlock's voice disappeared in to the furious buzzing filling John's ears as it became clear that this really was Sherlock
( ... )
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:11:23 UTC
I've only just read the first few paragraphs, but I was wonder - are you an ESL/is English not your first language? I'm wondering because there's a few misplaced words and I was wondering if they're just typos.
Also, I got dub-conn-y and dom/sub vibes from the idea that John has a lock on his cock! I'll keep reading though to see if there's something else that might give it that vibe.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:17:12 UTC
NA
Overall, I found it pretty readable, but way more dub-con than crack.
YMMV, but for me to go along with the original premise (3 yrs of cock lock--ouch, John not noticing for hours, etc), it needs to head more firmly into crack. As it stands, the tone for much of the middle is almost wistful--"The holes in his life Sherlock had left were filled with the monotony of work; dulling the pain with hours of shifts as he moved from a locum position to full time." This also sets up the dub-conny vibe I get in the end, where John is already primed to let Sherlock do whatever he wants.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:21:06 UTC
I have to be honest -- I entirely fail to understand how a plot which features Sherlock somehow sneaking a locked chastity belt onto John the night before he commits "suicide", then coming back 3 years later to check it's still there, can be anything other than dubcon-ish.
Even if all the actual sex is fully consensual, the fact remains that your fic centres around Sherlock LOCKING UP John's cock and balls against his will for 3 years. You're going to have to work damn hard to make that amusing crack with no dubcon.
Sorry, nonnie.
There are a lot of punctuation and misplaced word errors in this too which make it a bit tricky to parse in places.
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 2/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:34:02 UTC
Eukleides was gazing down at home
I'm assuming "home" is supposed to be "him"? Also, since you've already established that Eukleides is Sherlock, I would consider changing the sentence around to read that it is, in fact, Sherlock looking down at John, even just something like "Sherlock was gazing down at him, head cradled in the man's (who is "the man" here?) lap, his smell..."
the manipulative tosser
"Sherlock" would work fine here, or even "throwing a fist at Sherlock for being a manipulative tosser".
"No," Sherlock murmured his voice an silky tone
Comma between "murmured" and "his", and also change "an" to "a".
Footsteps outside the door interrupted whatever else Sherlock might have gone on to say and his hand
Period after "say". Start the next sentence with "His hand", and add a comma after "head", before "pulling him into a determined kiss".
traitors
"Traitorous".
The startled gasp and the door slamming closed barely registering
Re: Working Title :Johnlock 1/2
anonymous
June 16 2012, 16:24:21 UTC
First sentence, there should be some form of punctuation between "two hours" and "a stupid long time to notice". I would use a dash, personally, but that's just me. You could probably get away with a comma.
It was not until Sherlock was sulking at Barts' that he had time to go to the toilet.
Change "he" to "John", otherwise it reads that Sherlock is going to the loo. Also, in the sentence after that, "The" doesn't need to be there.
Survival instincts from Afghanistan and Sherlock
I would add something like "living with Sherlock" here.
Sherlock was running an insane sociological experiment on him Add a comma after this.
Done he returned to the lab ready to tell Sherlock
I suggest changing "done" to "finished", or even "having relieved himself".
John was a competent GP
Comma after "GP".
Slowly he stopped seeing Sherlock in every tall, slim man he saw and came to except
It's "accept", not "except"
Mycroft’s refusal to provide it the
Random "it" that doesn't need to be there.
The man who entered his room after he called
( ... )
Reply
Reply
Also, I got dub-conn-y and dom/sub vibes from the idea that John has a lock on his cock! I'll keep reading though to see if there's something else that might give it that vibe.
Reply
Reply
Overall, I found it pretty readable, but way more dub-con than crack.
YMMV, but for me to go along with the original premise (3 yrs of cock lock--ouch, John not noticing for hours, etc), it needs to head more firmly into crack. As it stands, the tone for much of the middle is almost wistful--"The holes in his life Sherlock had left were filled with the monotony of work; dulling the pain with hours of shifts as he moved from a locum position to full time." This also sets up the dub-conny vibe I get in the end, where John is already primed to let Sherlock do whatever he wants.
Maybe more WTF, who does this??
Reply
Even if all the actual sex is fully consensual, the fact remains that your fic centres around Sherlock LOCKING UP John's cock and balls against his will for 3 years. You're going to have to work damn hard to make that amusing crack with no dubcon.
Sorry, nonnie.
There are a lot of punctuation and misplaced word errors in this too which make it a bit tricky to parse in places.
Reply
I'm assuming "home" is supposed to be "him"? Also, since you've already established that Eukleides is Sherlock, I would consider changing the sentence around to read that it is, in fact, Sherlock looking down at John, even just something like "Sherlock was gazing down at him, head cradled in the man's (who is "the man" here?) lap, his smell..."
the manipulative tosser
"Sherlock" would work fine here, or even "throwing a fist at Sherlock for being a manipulative tosser".
"No," Sherlock murmured his voice an silky tone
Comma between "murmured" and "his", and also change "an" to "a".
Footsteps outside the door interrupted whatever else Sherlock might have gone on to say and his hand
Period after "say". Start the next sentence with "His hand", and add a comma after "head", before "pulling him into a determined kiss".
traitors
"Traitorous".
The startled gasp and the door slamming closed barely registering
Should be "registered"
To John’s horror
Comma after "horror".
Reply
When Eukeleides is looking at John the reader should know that it's Sherlock but John hasn't quite got there yet which is what I was trying to say.
Reply
It was not until Sherlock was sulking at Barts' that he had time to go to the toilet.
Change "he" to "John", otherwise it reads that Sherlock is going to the loo. Also, in the sentence after that, "The" doesn't need to be there.
Survival instincts from Afghanistan and Sherlock
I would add something like "living with Sherlock" here.
Sherlock was running an insane sociological experiment on him
Add a comma after this.
Done he returned to the lab ready to tell Sherlock
I suggest changing "done" to "finished", or even "having relieved himself".
John was a competent GP
Comma after "GP".
Slowly he stopped seeing Sherlock in every tall, slim man he saw and came to except
It's "accept", not "except"
Mycroft’s refusal to provide it the
Random "it" that doesn't need to be there.
The man who entered his room after he called ( ... )
Reply
Reply
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