I'm scared.

I'm scared to graduate from college. How long will it take to find a job? What job am I going to find? Where is this job gonna be? How am I going to do when it's just me by myself?

I'm scared that I'll never find love again. I'm scared that I will find love again. I think we can skip over that bit of circular paradoxical logic ( Read more... )

I wish I knew how to express how powerful and intense and overwhelming my emotions were this morning. I know that's not possible. I'm going to try to explain it but I feel like I will fail to make you understand and that is comforting. I write it out and I'll understand because I am reliving, in a dull fashion, the emotions I felt this morning. I ( Read more... )

So haven't written about the last two weekends. He finally, after much dark rituals and demonic possession, told me what the 10PM call is about. Bad news everyone. So while I can't go into further detail, it turns out that I've been a pawn in a global game without knowing it from the first time I started sleeping with Dmitri. And by pawn, I mean, ( Read more... )

As per usual, I go up to Dmitri's on Friday. I use his card to get gas before I leave town and I feel guilty about doing it. I hadn't done anything worth earning the right to use his money. I have tried to not be distant, but I know I've talked less on the phone and online. I've tried to keep him apprised of any big emotional changes but I just don ( Read more... )

I submitted "queries" to various agents last night. I know, I'm not done with the re-reading, yet, but I'm close. By the time one would get back to me, assuming they liked my work and wanted to know more. There's a whole etiquette to how things are submitted, how long it takes to hear back, assuming you hear back at all, how many agents at a time ( Read more... )

I had that same light/dark dream with John in it last night. After having woken up the second time without having reached him I had decided that I was tired of this dream. This never-ending nightmare. So I put myself into a light meditation that is intended for you to be able to recall memories easily. I use it when I study for tests. I can get ( Read more... )

I had that same vision! Happy man I adore moving about hurriedly. Me folding the pastel sheets so I didn't seem useless. Him tapping me and saying, "I love you so truly and deeply." All airy and light and bright. Then it gets dark. This time it's a hooded figure. I ask him what's wrong and he said with his back to me in a very deep (almost demonic ( Read more... )

So I lay down for a nap and a have a few regular dreams. Then I wake up and get a drink of water. I remember because I had to get up to get it from where my computer is. I lay back down and fall back to sleep.
( Read more... )