I'm so cold. Ya know what I mean? Nothing to do with the temperature outside, but I can't stop from feeling physically cold and shaking from memories and the sense of loss. It's been 4.5 years and it's almost just as fresh as if it happened yesterday. I don't know how... or what to do... or for how much longer I can... It's like living in hell. My ( Read more... )

I wish I knew how to express how powerful and intense and overwhelming my emotions were this morning. I know that's not possible. I'm going to try to explain it but I feel like I will fail to make you understand and that is comforting. I write it out and I'll understand because I am reliving, in a dull fashion, the emotions I felt this morning. I ( Read more... )

The hate I felt this morning has subsided, for now, without the aid of medication. I'm not fool enough to believe that there's no way I'll ever feel that feeling again about that person. Bottled up emotions due to belief that the emotion I was feeling is wrong and because of years of suppression due to medication likely caused anger intensify and ( Read more... )

...a lot of different things ( Read more... )

Anyone know of the now in syndication TV show called Farscape? Simple premise: a human in a one man module tries to use the atmosphere of Earth to accelerate and bounce off of it. A wormhole opens up and he's catapulted through space to a distant galaxy. There's a ship, a living ship, bio-mechanical. Her name is Moya. She's what's known as a " ( Read more... )

So... the weekend with Dmitri happened. It is Known. I just got off the phone with him and it was a very odd conversation. Not that it was odd in the conventional sense, it's just that he called me and was all... talky and shit.
( Cut For Possible WTFCs )

Jean-Pierre leaves on Thursday, in the morning. So I leave tomorrow for Bay City. Then I'm back up here on Wednesday and we have our farewell night. Can't say as I'm not sad. That'd be a lie. But it's what he needs to do, and I support him in whatever he does. That's what love is or, at least, should be... unconditional.

So, when I got here he was a blubbering mess. He just kept asking "Why?" When I had soothed him enough I asked him what "Why?" meant. He wanted to know why him. Why did he feel this way and why couldn't he be normal. I just had to tell him that this was normal for him and "normal" is just a word that is a moving target. What's normal today may not ( Read more... )

Jean-Pierre has been telling me, during my texts to him throughout the day, that he wanted to discuss this "boy word." This was what the fallout of our conversation was when he was on his way home in his car ( Read more... )

I'll make this brief. Mostly because I'm afraid that there will be many typos... many. Right now the alcohol is blocking the emotional response part of me from being sad! Woo! Now for your regularly scheduled program ( Read more... )