Not Much Of An Update
I'm so cold. Ya know what I mean? Nothing to do with the temperature outside, but I can't stop from feeling physically cold and shaking from memories and the sense of loss. It's been 4.5 years and it's almost just as fresh as if it happened yesterday. I don't know how... or what to do... or for how much longer I can... It's like living in hell. My Light/Fire has been taken from me. I can almost feel him sometimes. Not in the physical sense, more in the spiritual sense. Even then... it's so... hollow and... distant. The only reason I didn't die was because I found Ryan the day after Second John's death. I know... some of you may think that the bed wasn't even cold yet and I was bringing someone else in... but without that someone else, I wouldn't be typing this now. It gave me time to process things in short spurts instead of it hitting me all at once.
It is supremely difficult to be attached to anyone or anything here. I've described it to some of you. It's like our souls became one soul. When he died, he took half of it with him. I'm left with a torn, half-soul that makes me feel, and I know this is going to sound odd but just trust me, like I'm not really fully here anymore. I'm not dead but I'm not alive. lol I'm undead! I made myself laugh with that one. Seriously though... part of me is just not here anymore. I'm don't feel like I belong here anymore. Well, that's not entirely true. I feel like I partially belong here. At the same time I feel like I partially should have crossed over. Or rather, that part of me has already crossed over and it's just waiting for the rest of me to catch up. I'm just going through the motions and waiting out the clock until it's my time to go.
I realize it's, in great part, due to the Seasonal Affect Disorder that I'm feeling so acutely shitty. The only real drive I have is to get my degree so that I can get a job and move away from my biological family. I can go somewhere and just do what needs doing to live, hermit myself so hard, and just wait for fate to make me whole again. However that happens. I won't deny that I could meet someone and they are able to rekindle the Light/Fire in me and be this wonderful, loving, and understanding man in my life (maybe even another soul mate, though I'm not actually holding out hope that I'll find another one). That I may find a way to detach from the part of me that's dead or, perhaps, join with another soul and have the resources of a full soul again. I don't see it happening but, as I am utterly practical, I can't dismiss, out of hand, the possibility that it could happen.
There is no word in English to describe the emotion... soul-sick is as close as I can come to it. And time and the world marches on. In the grand scheme of things, I won't make any impact on the world or be noted by history. I won't be missed. Not really. I may have touched a few lives along the way but I'm not so egotistical as to think that I'll stop anyone's world from turning if I weren't here. If I'm supposed to do something important and I die and it's not me making an impact on history, then someone else will do it in the fullness of time. No one is the center of any world but their own.
There is a meaning to life. There's a reason we're here. To learn. I've learned a Truth that not everyone gets to learn (in this lifetime, at least, if reincarnation is what happens). For that I'm grateful and utterly, completely bitter.
It is supremely difficult to be attached to anyone or anything here. I've described it to some of you. It's like our souls became one soul. When he died, he took half of it with him. I'm left with a torn, half-soul that makes me feel, and I know this is going to sound odd but just trust me, like I'm not really fully here anymore. I'm not dead but I'm not alive. lol I'm undead! I made myself laugh with that one. Seriously though... part of me is just not here anymore. I'm don't feel like I belong here anymore. Well, that's not entirely true. I feel like I partially belong here. At the same time I feel like I partially should have crossed over. Or rather, that part of me has already crossed over and it's just waiting for the rest of me to catch up. I'm just going through the motions and waiting out the clock until it's my time to go.
I realize it's, in great part, due to the Seasonal Affect Disorder that I'm feeling so acutely shitty. The only real drive I have is to get my degree so that I can get a job and move away from my biological family. I can go somewhere and just do what needs doing to live, hermit myself so hard, and just wait for fate to make me whole again. However that happens. I won't deny that I could meet someone and they are able to rekindle the Light/Fire in me and be this wonderful, loving, and understanding man in my life (maybe even another soul mate, though I'm not actually holding out hope that I'll find another one). That I may find a way to detach from the part of me that's dead or, perhaps, join with another soul and have the resources of a full soul again. I don't see it happening but, as I am utterly practical, I can't dismiss, out of hand, the possibility that it could happen.
There is no word in English to describe the emotion... soul-sick is as close as I can come to it. And time and the world marches on. In the grand scheme of things, I won't make any impact on the world or be noted by history. I won't be missed. Not really. I may have touched a few lives along the way but I'm not so egotistical as to think that I'll stop anyone's world from turning if I weren't here. If I'm supposed to do something important and I die and it's not me making an impact on history, then someone else will do it in the fullness of time. No one is the center of any world but their own.
There is a meaning to life. There's a reason we're here. To learn. I've learned a Truth that not everyone gets to learn (in this lifetime, at least, if reincarnation is what happens). For that I'm grateful and utterly, completely bitter.