I Feel...
...a lot of different things.
I've been making changes recently. From working out, to change my physical appearance, to how to interact with people. It's 9:10 AM and I've been up since 4 AM. I was asleep at 11 PM last night (or there abouts anyway). I need to sleep more. 4-5 hours of sleep isn't enough... for anyone. So after I'm done with this post I'm going to go lie down and try to get some more sleep.
I've taken a hard look at my actions. I've been trying to control, instead of just letting life happen, and accept what is, instead of trying to change it to fit my whims. I've been in an epic emailing match back and forth with several people because, well, I'm awake a lot and need to fill the time and they've asked my opinion or have had issue with the fact that I'm changing the way I handle people (them). More than one person doesn't like the change. It's not that they necessarily think that the changes I'm making in my life are bad (some do) (some like certain parts of it and not others parts) but change is hard for people to accept. They get used to a certain expectations of me and when I go and change that it's bad because it's change. What I'm doing is right for me but some people are having trouble accepting how I interact with them now and my change in expectations of them. Some depend on me to push them. Some depend on me to comfort them while they contemplate making changes in themselves. Some depend on me to help them maintain a status quo. Some people depend on me to be pithy. Some people depend on me to pat them on the head/back, seeking my approval. Some people depend on me for more than one of these things and more.
Now, it's flattering and nice to be respected, wanted, and/or needed. However, I have an issue with that. Some people have expectations of me to do or say a certain thing, as noted above, but when I change how I go about that or stop doing what they expect, they begin to lose faith in themselves. Some of them never had real faith in themselves to begin with. Real faith in yourself comes from within you, not from outside forces. I'm an outside force. It makes me feel like some parts of my interactions with them and some people's expectations of me are unhealthy for them to have. Yes, it's nice to have outside support and we all have our support systems and coping mechanisms. "No man is an island unto himself." However, I feel like the utter lack of ability to rely upon oneself to handle whatever life throws at them to be dangerous dependence upon me. I don't mind it if someone comes to me with the odd problem or question, but when that person comes to me to navigate them through the rocky sea that is life then they are short changing themselves. I can't live their life for them or lead them to shore past many or every obstacle they come upon. That's a dangerous precedent to set.
Now if I'm told by someone that they need me now to lead them through something, my natural first thoughts are, "If they can't stand on their own now, when will they be able to? Do they expect me to help them through a singular event or a series of events? What if it is a singular event that might possibly take years for them to deal with? Should I stick next to them the whole time or is there some magical moment or event that happens that signals it's time I tell them that they've got this and they can do the rest themselves? What if they rely so heavily up me that they don't learn to have true faith or confidence in their own ability to take over and make their own decisions? Do I abandon them and let them flail about until they find their footing? What if, by helping them for so long, they refuse to continue in life without my direction?"
What if by helping them now, I'm really just hurting them in the long run? I know that with experience someone can gain the confidence and true faith in their own abilities. If I'm always there and I never force them to do things themselves is that being a good friend or is that causing more and more dependence upon me? What if I know that life experience is the only thing that can teach them? Do I tell them that they have to find their own way?
What if they just stand there and look around but do nothing to help themselves? Do I then encourage them to make changes? If so, isn't that them relying upon me to tell them what to do? Even if I don't tell them exactly what changes to make or how to make those changes, I'm still the catalyst that pushes them to do something. They still aren't relying upon themselves to do what they need to do. Even if the result of their own thought of actions is negative, so long as they can learn something positive from the experience then they are relying upon themselves and not me.
Am I keeping them from learning to adapt to changing situations? Because life is an 'Adapt or Die' kind of thing. If they don't know how to rely purely upon themselves and they wait around to hear from me on what/how/if they should do something then I'm not really helping them in the long run. I'm just furthering their dependence upon me and increasing their fear of the changes that are constantly happening in life. If they feel lost and don't know where to start then they're just letting fear get to them and forestall any progress they could make. They're only able to do the 'Die' part of 'Adapt or Die' for themselves if they depend on me for what to do.
How much help is too much help? When is it time to use tough love? When is it time to let someone rise or fall by their own actions (Adapt or Die)? I get wanting to pick someone's brain who has more experience in either certain aspects of life or in life in general. It's nice to know what to expect. But doesn't that take away the pride someone could feel in themselves for doing something themselves and the knowledge that they can do it again?
If it's not obvious by now I've got a couple of people in my life that I've been holding up and keeping them from slipping under the waves. And for some of them, I've been doing it for years. In some cases they know exactly what they need to do, but they don't do it, because they're waiting for me to tell them it's the right thing to do or looking to see if I'm going to praise them for doing what they already know is right. They want my approval. They have self-doubt because I've been there for so long pushing them to move forward. They don't push themselves. They want someone to push them because pushing themselves is scary because it's change and hard. But if I push them then it's not so scary because the change is scripted for them and they feel as though there's guarantee out there that says they'll be okay. It takes the experience out of life and leaves them thinking I'm the only one with the answers, they can't do it by themselves, and they are just dependent upon me.
A certain amount of hand holding is needed sometimes but only long enough for them to feel like they can do it themselves. If they never take the initiative to do something themselves, then I'm stuck holding the reigns while they simply refuse to take control of their own lives. It's like a lab partner I had back in high school chemistry. He was full of suggestions and ideas on what he thought needed to be done but he would never do it himself. He wanted me to do it all for him. That way if something broke or went wrong it wasn't his fault because I was the one who turned up the heat, even thought it was his idea. Except in the hand holding cases I'm specifically thinking of they won't even voice their own opinions.
They just close their eyes and say, "Do all the thinking for me! Run my life! It's too hard to do myself! But you have confidence in yourself so if you come up with all the ideas and I just blindly follow then nothing can go wrong! Even if it doesn't go the way you thought it was going to go, it's not my fault for how it turned out because you were the one doing everything and you'll fix everything!" Maybe part of the problem is that I'm a Dom and all of the people I've referencing... there are 4, they're all female, and are all subs. Do they have that expectation that I have the answers? Doesn't what I put in quotes up there sound like what a sub would say to a Dom or think of a Dom they wanted to serve? I think it does. I'm a natural leader and they're all natural followers. So of course they look to me for the answers to life. They all risk-avoiders deep down in their personal lives. So when I push them to make a decision on their own they naturally don't want to because they look to follow not to lead.
Hmm.... new question; Are they relying upon me to be their Dom without saying that I'm their Dom. They know that I'm trying to be a friend to them. I have said that to each of them. "I'm just a friend that's trying to help." I'm not trying to be their Dom. Is it happening naturally just by the nature of our personalities? Thinking about it, one of them told me yesterday or the day before, 'You could be my Dom if you wanted to but you don't want to do that.' Was that her way of saying, 'Make changes in my life. Make me believe I can change the way I see things. Lead me to where I want be even though I'm resisting. Take charge in no uncertain terms. Take away my choices. Make me into a whole person.'?
Okay, this post has gone on for hours of writing and thinking and explaining and questioning. Today is my sister-in-law's birthday. I need to call her. And working out has made me need to eat more often, too. I have a headache. I need food. I need a nap.
I've been making changes recently. From working out, to change my physical appearance, to how to interact with people. It's 9:10 AM and I've been up since 4 AM. I was asleep at 11 PM last night (or there abouts anyway). I need to sleep more. 4-5 hours of sleep isn't enough... for anyone. So after I'm done with this post I'm going to go lie down and try to get some more sleep.
I've taken a hard look at my actions. I've been trying to control, instead of just letting life happen, and accept what is, instead of trying to change it to fit my whims. I've been in an epic emailing match back and forth with several people because, well, I'm awake a lot and need to fill the time and they've asked my opinion or have had issue with the fact that I'm changing the way I handle people (them). More than one person doesn't like the change. It's not that they necessarily think that the changes I'm making in my life are bad (some do) (some like certain parts of it and not others parts) but change is hard for people to accept. They get used to a certain expectations of me and when I go and change that it's bad because it's change. What I'm doing is right for me but some people are having trouble accepting how I interact with them now and my change in expectations of them. Some depend on me to push them. Some depend on me to comfort them while they contemplate making changes in themselves. Some depend on me to help them maintain a status quo. Some people depend on me to be pithy. Some people depend on me to pat them on the head/back, seeking my approval. Some people depend on me for more than one of these things and more.
Now, it's flattering and nice to be respected, wanted, and/or needed. However, I have an issue with that. Some people have expectations of me to do or say a certain thing, as noted above, but when I change how I go about that or stop doing what they expect, they begin to lose faith in themselves. Some of them never had real faith in themselves to begin with. Real faith in yourself comes from within you, not from outside forces. I'm an outside force. It makes me feel like some parts of my interactions with them and some people's expectations of me are unhealthy for them to have. Yes, it's nice to have outside support and we all have our support systems and coping mechanisms. "No man is an island unto himself." However, I feel like the utter lack of ability to rely upon oneself to handle whatever life throws at them to be dangerous dependence upon me. I don't mind it if someone comes to me with the odd problem or question, but when that person comes to me to navigate them through the rocky sea that is life then they are short changing themselves. I can't live their life for them or lead them to shore past many or every obstacle they come upon. That's a dangerous precedent to set.
Now if I'm told by someone that they need me now to lead them through something, my natural first thoughts are, "If they can't stand on their own now, when will they be able to? Do they expect me to help them through a singular event or a series of events? What if it is a singular event that might possibly take years for them to deal with? Should I stick next to them the whole time or is there some magical moment or event that happens that signals it's time I tell them that they've got this and they can do the rest themselves? What if they rely so heavily up me that they don't learn to have true faith or confidence in their own ability to take over and make their own decisions? Do I abandon them and let them flail about until they find their footing? What if, by helping them for so long, they refuse to continue in life without my direction?"
What if by helping them now, I'm really just hurting them in the long run? I know that with experience someone can gain the confidence and true faith in their own abilities. If I'm always there and I never force them to do things themselves is that being a good friend or is that causing more and more dependence upon me? What if I know that life experience is the only thing that can teach them? Do I tell them that they have to find their own way?
What if they just stand there and look around but do nothing to help themselves? Do I then encourage them to make changes? If so, isn't that them relying upon me to tell them what to do? Even if I don't tell them exactly what changes to make or how to make those changes, I'm still the catalyst that pushes them to do something. They still aren't relying upon themselves to do what they need to do. Even if the result of their own thought of actions is negative, so long as they can learn something positive from the experience then they are relying upon themselves and not me.
Am I keeping them from learning to adapt to changing situations? Because life is an 'Adapt or Die' kind of thing. If they don't know how to rely purely upon themselves and they wait around to hear from me on what/how/if they should do something then I'm not really helping them in the long run. I'm just furthering their dependence upon me and increasing their fear of the changes that are constantly happening in life. If they feel lost and don't know where to start then they're just letting fear get to them and forestall any progress they could make. They're only able to do the 'Die' part of 'Adapt or Die' for themselves if they depend on me for what to do.
How much help is too much help? When is it time to use tough love? When is it time to let someone rise or fall by their own actions (Adapt or Die)? I get wanting to pick someone's brain who has more experience in either certain aspects of life or in life in general. It's nice to know what to expect. But doesn't that take away the pride someone could feel in themselves for doing something themselves and the knowledge that they can do it again?
If it's not obvious by now I've got a couple of people in my life that I've been holding up and keeping them from slipping under the waves. And for some of them, I've been doing it for years. In some cases they know exactly what they need to do, but they don't do it, because they're waiting for me to tell them it's the right thing to do or looking to see if I'm going to praise them for doing what they already know is right. They want my approval. They have self-doubt because I've been there for so long pushing them to move forward. They don't push themselves. They want someone to push them because pushing themselves is scary because it's change and hard. But if I push them then it's not so scary because the change is scripted for them and they feel as though there's guarantee out there that says they'll be okay. It takes the experience out of life and leaves them thinking I'm the only one with the answers, they can't do it by themselves, and they are just dependent upon me.
A certain amount of hand holding is needed sometimes but only long enough for them to feel like they can do it themselves. If they never take the initiative to do something themselves, then I'm stuck holding the reigns while they simply refuse to take control of their own lives. It's like a lab partner I had back in high school chemistry. He was full of suggestions and ideas on what he thought needed to be done but he would never do it himself. He wanted me to do it all for him. That way if something broke or went wrong it wasn't his fault because I was the one who turned up the heat, even thought it was his idea. Except in the hand holding cases I'm specifically thinking of they won't even voice their own opinions.
They just close their eyes and say, "Do all the thinking for me! Run my life! It's too hard to do myself! But you have confidence in yourself so if you come up with all the ideas and I just blindly follow then nothing can go wrong! Even if it doesn't go the way you thought it was going to go, it's not my fault for how it turned out because you were the one doing everything and you'll fix everything!" Maybe part of the problem is that I'm a Dom and all of the people I've referencing... there are 4, they're all female, and are all subs. Do they have that expectation that I have the answers? Doesn't what I put in quotes up there sound like what a sub would say to a Dom or think of a Dom they wanted to serve? I think it does. I'm a natural leader and they're all natural followers. So of course they look to me for the answers to life. They all risk-avoiders deep down in their personal lives. So when I push them to make a decision on their own they naturally don't want to because they look to follow not to lead.
Hmm.... new question; Are they relying upon me to be their Dom without saying that I'm their Dom. They know that I'm trying to be a friend to them. I have said that to each of them. "I'm just a friend that's trying to help." I'm not trying to be their Dom. Is it happening naturally just by the nature of our personalities? Thinking about it, one of them told me yesterday or the day before, 'You could be my Dom if you wanted to but you don't want to do that.' Was that her way of saying, 'Make changes in my life. Make me believe I can change the way I see things. Lead me to where I want be even though I'm resisting. Take charge in no uncertain terms. Take away my choices. Make me into a whole person.'?
Okay, this post has gone on for hours of writing and thinking and explaining and questioning. Today is my sister-in-law's birthday. I need to call her. And working out has made me need to eat more often, too. I have a headache. I need food. I need a nap.