I am desperately afraid of the coming days. My boyfriend and I are growing apart. My ability to hold everything together is coming unthreaded ( Read more... )

I can feel manic creativity bubbling inside of me. It's making me dissatisfied with mundane but very necessary tasks, like applying for jobs and cleaning up the apartment. Music is electrifying, photography is moving, writing is fascinating, painting is revitalizing -- I do not think I can adequately put down in words just how alive everything ( Read more... )

It's 12:05am. I have a class tomorrow at 12pm. In it is due a 5-7 page paper about some topic from the class ( Read more... )

Logic dictates that not eating is a bad thing. Food = energy. Food = life. Other things die so that things can live. This all makes perfect, natural sense ( Read more... )

Decide I don't matter. It solves problems of feeling unwanted, unsuccessful, irresponsible, or whatever it is I feel like at any given moment. Why should it matter? I don't.

If it's really so simple, why do I feel like crap making that decision?

The title is partially related to the necessary and cathartic process of dumping all of my negativity in order to make way for calm and balance. The title is also partially related to new complications with my disordered eating ( Read more... )

The last time I posted was shortly after Thanksgiving last year. I'd love to report that the reason I haven't posted again since is because I've been feeling better, but that would be a blatant lie. The simple truth is that I had to seek more immediate assistance -- not from a professional (though it got close), but from message boards. My ( Read more... )

I don't feel very connected anymore.

His birthday was today. It was kind of tame. He says he doesn't mind, but I feel terrible for not giving him the awesome birthday he should have for his 21st. I think he does mind and he's disappointed. I think a lot of things that just never seem to materialize, though. I dunno whether that makes me crazy and ( Read more... )

I am so confused and so distraught and so depressed ( Read more... )

I cut myself for the first time in 7 or 8 years last night. I was sleeping terribly, and my stomach was upset (mostly because my boyfriend was still up, stayed up until 4ish AM in fact, and when he does that I just KNOW he's digging through porn, and I've alluded to how painful that is to me... but that's another blog post), and I couldn't remember ( Read more... )