Effervescence
I can feel manic creativity bubbling inside of me. It's making me dissatisfied with mundane but very necessary tasks, like applying for jobs and cleaning up the apartment. Music is electrifying, photography is moving, writing is fascinating, painting is revitalizing -- I do not think I can adequately put down in words just how alive everything feels to me right now!
And yet...
And yet I'm still in a somewhat depressed state. I am mixed. I feel all these lovely things in my head, but the pain from menstruation grounds me in reality. The lack of money grounds me. My excessive weight grounds me. I feel so caged right now, and there is nothing more frustrating.
If this mania builds anymore, it will shred my depression. On the plus side, I'll be doing things again! Alive, active! On the down side, I'll be doing things without much regard for their real-life consequences. I will run up my credit cards -- and I have 2x the credit limit available to me that I did during my last manic period 3 years ago. I will get into so much more "real" trouble because I am no longer limited to the scholarly world and school-life dreams. There is a whole freaking world out there!
I am so impatient. Restricting myself from doing these things I really want to do is making me cry. I am so confused by these reactions, and especially by the passion in them, and my rational mind is having a hard time keeping everything together. The psychiatrist hasn't called me back yet (I'm trying to switch doctors since the last one wasn't working for me AT ALL, but it takes his permission, the permission of the doctor I'm switching to, and a call from the office to schedule an appointment probably 1-2 weeks in the future). I need the medication, I can tell this so very well right now. If I get it, though, it will take weeks to build up to therapeutic dosage again. Hah! Maniacal laughter for the irony in that one.
I have never been a patient person, and I'm even less inclined to be so now. Distracting myself, making myself do the things I know I need to do, is so very hard. But that's precisely what I remind myself whenever I get this way: it is hard. That's why I can do it. To prove that I am able. That I will. That I'm not so weak that I can't handle something so simple. That "I" am more powerful, more in control, than these emotions.
Wish me luck.
And yet...
And yet I'm still in a somewhat depressed state. I am mixed. I feel all these lovely things in my head, but the pain from menstruation grounds me in reality. The lack of money grounds me. My excessive weight grounds me. I feel so caged right now, and there is nothing more frustrating.
If this mania builds anymore, it will shred my depression. On the plus side, I'll be doing things again! Alive, active! On the down side, I'll be doing things without much regard for their real-life consequences. I will run up my credit cards -- and I have 2x the credit limit available to me that I did during my last manic period 3 years ago. I will get into so much more "real" trouble because I am no longer limited to the scholarly world and school-life dreams. There is a whole freaking world out there!
I am so impatient. Restricting myself from doing these things I really want to do is making me cry. I am so confused by these reactions, and especially by the passion in them, and my rational mind is having a hard time keeping everything together. The psychiatrist hasn't called me back yet (I'm trying to switch doctors since the last one wasn't working for me AT ALL, but it takes his permission, the permission of the doctor I'm switching to, and a call from the office to schedule an appointment probably 1-2 weeks in the future). I need the medication, I can tell this so very well right now. If I get it, though, it will take weeks to build up to therapeutic dosage again. Hah! Maniacal laughter for the irony in that one.
I have never been a patient person, and I'm even less inclined to be so now. Distracting myself, making myself do the things I know I need to do, is so very hard. But that's precisely what I remind myself whenever I get this way: it is hard. That's why I can do it. To prove that I am able. That I will. That I'm not so weak that I can't handle something so simple. That "I" am more powerful, more in control, than these emotions.
Wish me luck.