When do you admit defeat?
It's 12:05am. I have a class tomorrow at 12pm. In it is due a 5-7 page paper about some topic from the class.
I have a blank Word document open.
I also have a 15 page paper to complete before the end of term to clear the Incomplete I have from a previous semester, serious revisions to pull on another lengthy paper to clear another Incomplete, a personal statement for an application due in one week, a 150-page book to edit, a driving trip I'm leaving for this Thursday to plan for, and a chapter's worth of workbook exercises for my language class to complete before I leave.
Today is simply not a working day. I read an entire book cover to cover, and all I feel like doing now is reading more. Today is an absorbing and reflecting day, not a producing day, and no amount of kicking and screaming will change this.
I know that this paper will be complete. I always get it done, eventually. The very fact that I CAN get it done is yet another reason why I, like you, am constantly faced with derision when I try to explain my problems. "It can't be that bad, you're still functioning, you're still getting good grades, you're turning things in." "Don't be so dramatic, you look fine to me." "Nothing's wrong with you, you're just stressed because you procrastinate."
Yes. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways. Everything is fine now -- I was just being lazy! Thank GOD you opened my eyes for me. Glad to know you'll only start worrying when I stop functioning completely.
I cannot wait for this semester to end, and yet thinking of everything I need to complete before it does sends me into a tizzy.
Jesus. Why can't I just focus and do this? I know that if I do I'll be done in a week, tops, and then things can unknot again. Why is this so hard? Am I just lazy after all?
I had a serious migraine the other day, complete with wacky smell-enhancing nonsense for a day or two before and the ridiculous light sensitivity, nausea and general dislike for the world. A very painful and unpleasant 2 hours, let me tell you.
I hope it's not a precursor for the ridiculousness of mania. I am afraid that I will welcome it with opens arms -- I get an incredible amount done with remarkably little sleep and fuel, and I really need the energy and the push. But I know also that it comes with things I don't want; it comes with sexual hyperactivity, and an appetite for doing things I know that I shouldn't.
Goddamnit. I don't want to go to the psychiatrist again. It's a waste of time. I enjoy having someone to talk to, but if they're going to be so quick to put me on meds, not to listen to me, what am I supposed to do about it? The last one didn't even follow-up with me. I haven't seen her in months and she hasn't called once since I cancelled my appointment. What am I supposed to make of that?
I have a blank Word document open.
I also have a 15 page paper to complete before the end of term to clear the Incomplete I have from a previous semester, serious revisions to pull on another lengthy paper to clear another Incomplete, a personal statement for an application due in one week, a 150-page book to edit, a driving trip I'm leaving for this Thursday to plan for, and a chapter's worth of workbook exercises for my language class to complete before I leave.
Today is simply not a working day. I read an entire book cover to cover, and all I feel like doing now is reading more. Today is an absorbing and reflecting day, not a producing day, and no amount of kicking and screaming will change this.
I know that this paper will be complete. I always get it done, eventually. The very fact that I CAN get it done is yet another reason why I, like you, am constantly faced with derision when I try to explain my problems. "It can't be that bad, you're still functioning, you're still getting good grades, you're turning things in." "Don't be so dramatic, you look fine to me." "Nothing's wrong with you, you're just stressed because you procrastinate."
Yes. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways. Everything is fine now -- I was just being lazy! Thank GOD you opened my eyes for me. Glad to know you'll only start worrying when I stop functioning completely.
I cannot wait for this semester to end, and yet thinking of everything I need to complete before it does sends me into a tizzy.
Jesus. Why can't I just focus and do this? I know that if I do I'll be done in a week, tops, and then things can unknot again. Why is this so hard? Am I just lazy after all?
I had a serious migraine the other day, complete with wacky smell-enhancing nonsense for a day or two before and the ridiculous light sensitivity, nausea and general dislike for the world. A very painful and unpleasant 2 hours, let me tell you.
I hope it's not a precursor for the ridiculousness of mania. I am afraid that I will welcome it with opens arms -- I get an incredible amount done with remarkably little sleep and fuel, and I really need the energy and the push. But I know also that it comes with things I don't want; it comes with sexual hyperactivity, and an appetite for doing things I know that I shouldn't.
Goddamnit. I don't want to go to the psychiatrist again. It's a waste of time. I enjoy having someone to talk to, but if they're going to be so quick to put me on meds, not to listen to me, what am I supposed to do about it? The last one didn't even follow-up with me. I haven't seen her in months and she hasn't called once since I cancelled my appointment. What am I supposed to make of that?