Things are not so good right now
I've eaten about 450 calories today and I probably won't get more than 300 more unless I try. I could -- and I probably should, since I need to eat at least 1200 if not 1600 calories a day given my activity level -- but I don't want to. I am both not hungry AND looking forward to the results. The eating disordered part of me is rearing its ugly head again, and I know exactly why: I'm frustrated and feel like I have no control over my own life.
My pdoc completely brushed away my concerns. My attention span has been negligible these past couple weeks. I know that I have always had a little trouble focusing -- that I skate by a remarkable amount of the time and I'm finally reaching a point where I am neither capable nor willing to continue to do so -- but this has been ridiculous. He decided to INCREASE my dose of Lamictal (125 previous -> 150 for one week-> 200) and come back in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Dude, I know that this is a slow process full of trial-and-error, but two weeks out of my semester could be absolutely fatal to my GPA. I fully realize that is a drop in the bucket compared to my mental health, but my mental health is already teetering thanks to stress regarding school and career and I cannot handle jeopardizing either.
I am feeling very unbalanced. There have been one or two times where I sort of fade out of my own awareness and I'm only vaguely aware that I'm going somewhere or talking to someone. I'm DREAMING about hallucinations, and I'm vaguely paranoid about little cricks and creaks I hear now and then. Despite all of this, I've still got the serious level of fatigue my pdoc says is symptomatic of depression. I think this is consistent: mixed episode bleeding into hypomania and eventually into full mania. Maybe even a full psychotic break this time! Won't that be fun.
I don't want this, but I'm afraid to tell him about this and make him change my meds. I just want the focus thing fixed and I'll be fine. I can't afford to experiment with no mood stabilizer while I wean off the lamotrigine, I can't afford to risk the possible "brain fuzz" side-effects of most of the other drugs he'd try, and I simply can't afford to let this get in the way right now.
I admit the ED part of me really wants him to prescribe the bupropion because one of its side-effects is weight loss. I am truly far more interested in the anti-depressant (will it lift my fatigue?) and ADD (can I finally focus?) effects. I just really need him to understand that my current state is NOT okay, but I don't need to tweak everything. I feel like I'm manipulating him by not being completely honest, though.
Argh. I just want to be able to focus on something other than my inability to focus on the things I need to focus on. I wish this semester was over, but that makes me sad; this is the semester with the classes I've wanted to take my whole life. Beowulf in Old English with a preeminent Old English scholar? Medieval Latin taught by a highly knowledgeable rising Classics star? Ancient and Medieval Christianity? Book design and book binding? COME ON! This is the perfect set of classes.
Please, PLEASE don't let a mental disorder ruin this for me. I'm doing my part. I need the medicine and the doctor prescribing it to do theirs. Please.
My pdoc completely brushed away my concerns. My attention span has been negligible these past couple weeks. I know that I have always had a little trouble focusing -- that I skate by a remarkable amount of the time and I'm finally reaching a point where I am neither capable nor willing to continue to do so -- but this has been ridiculous. He decided to INCREASE my dose of Lamictal (125 previous -> 150 for one week-> 200) and come back in two weeks. TWO WEEKS? Dude, I know that this is a slow process full of trial-and-error, but two weeks out of my semester could be absolutely fatal to my GPA. I fully realize that is a drop in the bucket compared to my mental health, but my mental health is already teetering thanks to stress regarding school and career and I cannot handle jeopardizing either.
I am feeling very unbalanced. There have been one or two times where I sort of fade out of my own awareness and I'm only vaguely aware that I'm going somewhere or talking to someone. I'm DREAMING about hallucinations, and I'm vaguely paranoid about little cricks and creaks I hear now and then. Despite all of this, I've still got the serious level of fatigue my pdoc says is symptomatic of depression. I think this is consistent: mixed episode bleeding into hypomania and eventually into full mania. Maybe even a full psychotic break this time! Won't that be fun.
I don't want this, but I'm afraid to tell him about this and make him change my meds. I just want the focus thing fixed and I'll be fine. I can't afford to experiment with no mood stabilizer while I wean off the lamotrigine, I can't afford to risk the possible "brain fuzz" side-effects of most of the other drugs he'd try, and I simply can't afford to let this get in the way right now.
I admit the ED part of me really wants him to prescribe the bupropion because one of its side-effects is weight loss. I am truly far more interested in the anti-depressant (will it lift my fatigue?) and ADD (can I finally focus?) effects. I just really need him to understand that my current state is NOT okay, but I don't need to tweak everything. I feel like I'm manipulating him by not being completely honest, though.
Argh. I just want to be able to focus on something other than my inability to focus on the things I need to focus on. I wish this semester was over, but that makes me sad; this is the semester with the classes I've wanted to take my whole life. Beowulf in Old English with a preeminent Old English scholar? Medieval Latin taught by a highly knowledgeable rising Classics star? Ancient and Medieval Christianity? Book design and book binding? COME ON! This is the perfect set of classes.
Please, PLEASE don't let a mental disorder ruin this for me. I'm doing my part. I need the medicine and the doctor prescribing it to do theirs. Please.