Purge
The title is partially related to the necessary and cathartic process of dumping all of my negativity in order to make way for calm and balance. The title is also partially related to new complications with my disordered eating.
I went out to eat pizza with my boyfriend. I had a small dinner salad with croutons and Italian dressing. I ate three slices of cheese pizza with most of the grease soaked off. Then I went into the bathroom and purged. Then I came back and watched the rest of NBA Finals Game #1. Boyfriend didn't notice anything weird other than that I'd been gone for a while. I made some excuse about the lock being tricky (and it goddamn WAS, the stupid thing) and he said nothing more.
I am feeling ridiculously bad. Yesterday was horrid. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and talked a bit about the boyfriend's porn thing, since it's started to come up again. I feel so defeated by it. I don't know what to do about feeling so bad about it. I have talked to my boyfriend about it, and he knows how I feel, and it still comes up and he still doesn't want to deal with it.
I spent a lot of time crying yesterday. I remember thinking, "I have nothing to live for, and I have nothing to die for" and the truth of that hit me so hard I cried on the 1+ mile walk home and had to compose myself before I came back to my apartment. There, I met my boyfriend who was a wreck and insecure and telling me he was afraid I was going to leave him. I ended up laying down with him for a while, silently crying some more (I had my face on his back, and when he asked if I was crying, I said I was because I didn't know what to do for him, which was at least partially true), and calling out of work. My work is a 4-hour-per-week type thing, a personal assistant position, so I felt like crap for calling off that one, too...
Sigh.
I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to do about school. I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I don't know what to do about the porn thing with my boyfriend. I don't know what to do about my money problems. I don't know what to do about -anything- and it's driving me nuts.
I guess that's why I turned to binging and purging. It's definitely a control thing, no matter how much my suffering self-esteem justifies it as a means to get thinner and try to mold my body into something I can be happy with. It's definitely control. I need to have something in my life that I am convinced about, something that I feel confident enough to do anything about...
And see? That's going to make me cry again, cry at the futility.
I -suck- at controlling my food. I binge. I purge. I starve. It doesn't matter what I -want- to do, those things just sort of happen, like a natural extension of me. I'm even less in control of those things, and I think I'm fooling myself if I try and say that I do them in order to be in control. It's just another example of things that are so beyond my scope.
I don't know what to do, and I'm very scared and depressed and utterly, utterly defeated.
I don't even know if I want to feel like I can do anything again. What difference does it make? For who? For what purpose? I really don't have anything to live for except my own selfish desire to do and experience things. I don't have anything to die for because I've tried so hard to keep myself from getting too attached to any one idea, so that I don't feel like the best way to deal with it is to martyr myself for it.
Fuck me. What am I going to do? I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. I don't even know of a good way to vent this - I tried drawing, but the frustration of suck makes that even WORSE for me, and I've tried writing but all it's doing is reinforcing why I'm feeling so bad in the first place. Crying doesn't help, it just drains me for a while and makes me apathetic.
T_T
I went out to eat pizza with my boyfriend. I had a small dinner salad with croutons and Italian dressing. I ate three slices of cheese pizza with most of the grease soaked off. Then I went into the bathroom and purged. Then I came back and watched the rest of NBA Finals Game #1. Boyfriend didn't notice anything weird other than that I'd been gone for a while. I made some excuse about the lock being tricky (and it goddamn WAS, the stupid thing) and he said nothing more.
I am feeling ridiculously bad. Yesterday was horrid. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and talked a bit about the boyfriend's porn thing, since it's started to come up again. I feel so defeated by it. I don't know what to do about feeling so bad about it. I have talked to my boyfriend about it, and he knows how I feel, and it still comes up and he still doesn't want to deal with it.
I spent a lot of time crying yesterday. I remember thinking, "I have nothing to live for, and I have nothing to die for" and the truth of that hit me so hard I cried on the 1+ mile walk home and had to compose myself before I came back to my apartment. There, I met my boyfriend who was a wreck and insecure and telling me he was afraid I was going to leave him. I ended up laying down with him for a while, silently crying some more (I had my face on his back, and when he asked if I was crying, I said I was because I didn't know what to do for him, which was at least partially true), and calling out of work. My work is a 4-hour-per-week type thing, a personal assistant position, so I felt like crap for calling off that one, too...
Sigh.
I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to do about school. I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I don't know what to do about the porn thing with my boyfriend. I don't know what to do about my money problems. I don't know what to do about -anything- and it's driving me nuts.
I guess that's why I turned to binging and purging. It's definitely a control thing, no matter how much my suffering self-esteem justifies it as a means to get thinner and try to mold my body into something I can be happy with. It's definitely control. I need to have something in my life that I am convinced about, something that I feel confident enough to do anything about...
And see? That's going to make me cry again, cry at the futility.
I -suck- at controlling my food. I binge. I purge. I starve. It doesn't matter what I -want- to do, those things just sort of happen, like a natural extension of me. I'm even less in control of those things, and I think I'm fooling myself if I try and say that I do them in order to be in control. It's just another example of things that are so beyond my scope.
I don't know what to do, and I'm very scared and depressed and utterly, utterly defeated.
I don't even know if I want to feel like I can do anything again. What difference does it make? For who? For what purpose? I really don't have anything to live for except my own selfish desire to do and experience things. I don't have anything to die for because I've tried so hard to keep myself from getting too attached to any one idea, so that I don't feel like the best way to deal with it is to martyr myself for it.
Fuck me. What am I going to do? I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. I don't even know of a good way to vent this - I tried drawing, but the frustration of suck makes that even WORSE for me, and I've tried writing but all it's doing is reinforcing why I'm feeling so bad in the first place. Crying doesn't help, it just drains me for a while and makes me apathetic.
T_T