FIC: Turn To Me part 23/27; Guiding Light
TITLE: Turn To Me
AUTHOR: Wonko
FANDOM: Guiding Light
RATING: PG for this part.
SUMMARY: Natalia is forced to come to terms with her feelings alone when Olivia is injured.
TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on 17th of April and diverges from the canon storyline at that point.
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4] [ Part 5] [ Part 6] [ Part 7] [ Part 8] [ Part 9] [ Part 10] [ Part 11] [ Part 12] [ Part 13] [ Part 14] [ Part 15] [ Part 16] [ Part 17] [ Part 18] [ Part 19] [ Part 20] [ Part 21] [ Part 22]
Olivia felt strangely like a toddler learning to walk for the first time. Finally - finally - the cast on her arm had come off and she was allowed to have crutches. Doctor Rick had examined her arm and the verdict was 'weak, but acceptable'. She had a whole list of exercises to do which she'd fully planned to ignore - of course, Natalia wouldn't let her. She'd made sure Olivia had done her full quota of half an hour's exercise every evening since she'd had the cast removed. And she'd been taking her for short walks outside too. Olivia had missed the smell and feel of the outdoors and it was a joy to be out again, even if the crutches made her tired and unsteady on her feet.
And they weren't the only thing making her unsteady on her feet. There was Natalia, too.
She kissed me, Olivia thought for the fiftieth time that week. Her heart did an acrobatic manoeuvre and her stomach lurched. Her reaction to the memory of Natalia's lips pressed ever so briefly to hers had not become one iota less visceral, despite the days she'd had to think about it.
She'd tried telling herself that it was nothing more than comfort, but she knew deep down that wasn't true. She knew when someone was into her. She could recognise the signs - even if those signs appearing in a woman's guise and thrown her in the beginning. Natalia was into her in a big way. And as for Olivia...well, Olivia more than reciprocated the feeling. She'd realised some time ago that she wanted to kiss her. Her mind had gone much further than that now. It had gone from kissing, to holding, to touching, to the bedroom with indecent haste and was now firmly stuck in And what happens then? mode.
Shame. Whispering. Looks. Judgement. Natalia hating her for tempting her off the path to heaven.
It was the last one more than anything that she couldn't live with. She could live with the disdain of this one horse town quite happily - how would it be any worse than being known as the manipulative man-eater after all? But to see love and desire transfigure themselves into hatred and disgust in Natalia's beautiful eyes...Olivia had a feeling that would break her heart. Possibly literally.
A knock at the back door interrupted her thoughts. Olivia smiled. Finally, an excuse to move. Natalia had gone out to pick up some paperwork at The Beacon over an hour ago and she'd given her strict instructions not to go wandering round on her crutches without supervision. Olivia had been behaving. She knew better than to disobey Natalia, after all.
Married five times and this is the one you're happy to obey? her mind quipped as she headed for the door. Not to mention love and honour. You're really far gone.
"Hey Frank!" she exclaimed, pushing the sarcastic inner voice down. "How are you?"
Frank smiled a small, careful smile. "I'm OK thanks Liv...good to see you up and about at last."
Olivia shrugged with one shoulder as she hopped back and let him enter. "Can I get you anything?" she asked.
Frank shook his head. "I'm good."
Olivia smirked. "Good, because I'm not allowed to make coffee anyway."
Frank's eyebrow twitched. "Not allowed?" He smiled. "Olivia Spencer, not allowed to do something? And actually paying attention?"
"Yeah yeah," Olivia replied, a hint of a blush colouring her cheekbones.
Frank took pity. "Is Natalia home?"
Olivia shook her head. "She went to The Beacon for a bit," she explained. "But she'll be back soon, I think."
Frank looked down at the paperwork in his hand. "I need her to sign these papers so I can get Rafe's release finalised..." he muttered. "Do you mind if I wait?"
Olivia shrugged magnanimously. "Sure. You want to come through to the living rom?"
Frank followed her as she delicately limped back to her bed, trying not to appear as tired as she felt from the short walk. He took her crutches and set them aside as she climbed up onto the bed, sitting her leg on top of a small pile of pillows. "How long until this comes off?" Frank asked, nodding towards her leg.
Olivia smiled. "Doctor Rick says two weeks," she replied. "Natalia's been making sure I look after myself."
Frank looked away. "Yeah, Natalia's always looked after you..." he murmured. Olivia shifted uncomfortably.
"Yeah...well...this is just temporary." She pasted a smile on her face to cover the unease that had crept into her heart. When she didn't need to be looked after anymore she'd have to give all this up. She couldn't go on living in this place, seeing Natalia every day, knowing she wanted her and knowing she couldn't...shouldn't...have her. "And you know what?" she continued, false cheer in her voice. "Pretty soon Natalia's going to need someone to look after her."
Frank fixed her with an enquiring look. "She already has that, Liv," he said steadily.
Olivia flushed. Was she so transparent? "You know," she began, pushing her embarrassment away. "Natalia is really...special. She's a really special person."
Frank nodded. "You'll get no argument from me."
Olivia nodded. "And you like her, right?"
Frank leaned back in his chair. "Yeah..." he drawled, not adding that she didn't much like him at the moment.
Olivia flashed a smile on and off at him like a light bulb that burns out the moment you hit the switch. "Do I have to draw you a diagram?" she asked.
Comprehension slowly dawned on Frank's face. If it hadn't been so sad he might have laughed. "Oh...so you think that me and Natalia...?"
"Yes!" Olivia exclaimed. "It's perfect. You're such a good guy, Frank. And she deserves the kind of life you can give her."
Frank regarded Olivia steadily. "And what kind of life is that?"
A normal one, Olivia's mind supplied. One that doesn't involve being attached to the biggest screw-up in Springfield. "I'm talking about safety," she said aloud. "And security and protection."
Frank couldn't meet her eyes. "And love?" He sounded forlorn and far away. Olivia frowned.
"Frank?" she murmured as he leaned forward and took her hand.
"Let me tell you how this goes," he said, still not meeting her eyes. "You push me and Natalia together. You help me out, you coach me in a few things - her favourite foods, what she likes, what she needs... It works. We get engaged, but it's never really right because it's not me she's been falling for. It's just the reflection of who she really wants."
Olivia's mouth was dry. "Frank-" she began, but he squeezed her hand.
"Let me finish," he said. "And do want to know where this leads? The absolute best case scenario? It leads to an altar. Where she leaves me. For you."
Olivia's eyes had filled with tears and when she spoke her voice was shaking. "She deserves so much better..." she whispered.
Frank shook his head. "What she deserves" he said, pinning her with his eyes. "Is everything her heart desires." He gave her hand a final squeeze and released it. "Stop making trouble where there isn't any," he said. "Okay? She loves you, she wants to be with you."
Silence stretched between them as Olivia blinked away tears. "I-" she choked out, then coughed. "Frankie...I-"
Frank held up his hand. "Don't say anything," he murmured, then waved his papers in the air, speaking with a cheer he didn't really feel. "You know, I'm just going to leave these for Natalia. Can you tell her to get them back to me as soon as she can?"
Olivia nodded dumbly, and Frank left her there trying to process exactly what had just happened.
* * * * * *
Natalia looked up, her eyes dark and bleak as Frank entered the kitchen. "Oh, hey," he said in surprise. "How long have you been here?"
Her lip trembled a little as she looked away. "Long enough," she murmured. "Long enough to hear her trying to do it again...trying to give me away..."
Frank pulled up a chair and sat beside her. He would have liked to reach out to her somehow, but didn't know if he'd be welcome. "She's just confused," he said.
Natalia snorted. "This isn't confusion," she said harshly. "This is cowardice."
Frank frowned and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Maybe," he allowed. "But you know...it takes a lot for Olivia to give her heart to someone." He smiled at her incredulous look. "I know, married five times, right? But you know...I think for her that's always been more about her body than her heart. Body is easy. She knows exactly what she has to offer in that department. But this...you know, she's just scared. She's scared she won't be able to give you everything you deserve."
Natalia scraped her hands through her hair in frustration. "But she's everything!" she exclaimed, though quietly, conscious of Olivia in the other room. "She's everything to me."
Frank looked down at his hands. "Have you told her that?" he asked.
Natalia sighed. "I've shown her," she said. "That's more important. Words can be false, words can be lies...actions are where you find the truth. I've loved her...in every touch and every movement and every smile...for so long."
Frank considered that for a moment. "Can I give you some advice?" he asked hesitantly. "Some advice that...a friend gave to me once."
Natalia regarded him warily. "Okay," she said at last.
Frank smiled wryly, barely able to believe he was about to say this. "Tell her," he said. "Tell her what she means to you. And keep telling her. And when she seems unsure..." his voice wavered, but he carried on, "you just hold her, and you love her."
After a moment he looked up at her and had to smile. She was wearing a shell-shocked expression that could have been the twin of Olivia's. He held up the paperwork he'd brought. "I need you to sign this," he said, bringing her back to reality.
"What...? Oh. Right."
She quickly found the places she needed to sign and did it, with a slightly trembling hand. Frank double checked the forms and nodded. "Okay...he should be with you the day after tomorrow," he said. Natalia still looked shell-shocked. "Did you hear me?"
Natalia shook herself. "Yes." She managed to smile. "Yes, I heard you." She surprised him by wrapping her arms round his neck in a brief hug. "I heard everything. Thank you, Frank."
Frank blushed and pulled away from the embrace as soon as he could. "It was the least I could do," he said. "I know it'll never be enough..."
Natalia held up her hand to interrupt him. "Forgiveness isn't something you can earn," she said softly. "Not from me, anyway. It's a gift." She took a deep breath. "I forgive you, Frank," she said at last. "Can you forgive me?"
Frank looked away, sudden tears stinging his eyes. "There's nothing to forgive," he said. "Just...be happy."
Natalia's smile was brilliant. "I will," she said. "If I have to drag her kicking and screaming, I'll get through to her. I will."
In that moment, Frank almost didn't envy Olivia at all.
Almost.
When he was gone Natalia sat alone for a few minutes, thoughts swirling through her head. Was what she had done really not enough? Did Olivia really still doubt how she felt, what she wanted?
The chair scraped along the floor as she stood and moved to the doorway. She leaned her hip against the doorframe, crossing her arms as she looked at Olivia in the bed. "Hey," she said.
"Hey," Olivia replied huskily. She coughed. "Frank was here..."
"I know," Natalia replied. "I saw him."
They lapsed into silence. Olivia couldn't meet Natalia's eyes. Love, tenderness and desire swelled in Natalia's chest, growing stronger and stronger like a wave rushing to shore the longer their silence stretched until, finally...it broke. "Do I have to hit you over the head with this?" she murmured.
Olivia's eyes snapped towards her as she pushed away from the doorframe and crossed the room. She watched her, heart pounding, as she perched on her bed. Her breath caught in her throat as Natalia took her face in her hands, her thumbs stroking her cheeks, her eyes gentle and soft as they stared into hers.
And then she kissed her and there was nothing brief or chaste or comforting about it.
Olivia gasped, her lips parting slightly as Natalia's hands stroked through her hair. She felt rather than heard Natalia's soft moan and suddenly knew that she had been waiting for this for longer than she could remember. This was all she needed, all she had ever needed, all she would ever need... She wrapped her arms round Natalia's neck, giving in, sinking back into the pillows as Natalia kissed her, and loved her, and claimed her.
Their foreheads bumped together and their breath mingled as Natalia finally pulled away. For a long time Olivia couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't even open her eyes. When she did they were dark, love and desire blending in a complex cocktail that made Natalia's head spin.
"We were in love," Olivia breathed, wonder and awe and clarity edging into her voice. "Weren't we?"
Natalia kissed her again, giddiness bubbling up inside her. Her trembling hands cupped Olivia's face like it was the most precious of jewels and her eyes were filled with such heat that she was surprised she hadn't set something on fire. She took a deep, steadying breath.
"Yes."
TBC...
A/N - And this is the new longest chapter of this fic - and I hope you enjoyed because I might, might, not be able to update tomorrow. ::Wonko ducks as twenty people throw stuff at her at once:: I'll try my best but I have so much to do tomorrow, if I update consider it a bonus. Sunday will be service as normal.
AUTHOR: Wonko
FANDOM: Guiding Light
RATING: PG for this part.
SUMMARY: Natalia is forced to come to terms with her feelings alone when Olivia is injured.
TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on 17th of April and diverges from the canon storyline at that point.
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4] [ Part 5] [ Part 6] [ Part 7] [ Part 8] [ Part 9] [ Part 10] [ Part 11] [ Part 12] [ Part 13] [ Part 14] [ Part 15] [ Part 16] [ Part 17] [ Part 18] [ Part 19] [ Part 20] [ Part 21] [ Part 22]
Olivia felt strangely like a toddler learning to walk for the first time. Finally - finally - the cast on her arm had come off and she was allowed to have crutches. Doctor Rick had examined her arm and the verdict was 'weak, but acceptable'. She had a whole list of exercises to do which she'd fully planned to ignore - of course, Natalia wouldn't let her. She'd made sure Olivia had done her full quota of half an hour's exercise every evening since she'd had the cast removed. And she'd been taking her for short walks outside too. Olivia had missed the smell and feel of the outdoors and it was a joy to be out again, even if the crutches made her tired and unsteady on her feet.
And they weren't the only thing making her unsteady on her feet. There was Natalia, too.
She kissed me, Olivia thought for the fiftieth time that week. Her heart did an acrobatic manoeuvre and her stomach lurched. Her reaction to the memory of Natalia's lips pressed ever so briefly to hers had not become one iota less visceral, despite the days she'd had to think about it.
She'd tried telling herself that it was nothing more than comfort, but she knew deep down that wasn't true. She knew when someone was into her. She could recognise the signs - even if those signs appearing in a woman's guise and thrown her in the beginning. Natalia was into her in a big way. And as for Olivia...well, Olivia more than reciprocated the feeling. She'd realised some time ago that she wanted to kiss her. Her mind had gone much further than that now. It had gone from kissing, to holding, to touching, to the bedroom with indecent haste and was now firmly stuck in And what happens then? mode.
Shame. Whispering. Looks. Judgement. Natalia hating her for tempting her off the path to heaven.
It was the last one more than anything that she couldn't live with. She could live with the disdain of this one horse town quite happily - how would it be any worse than being known as the manipulative man-eater after all? But to see love and desire transfigure themselves into hatred and disgust in Natalia's beautiful eyes...Olivia had a feeling that would break her heart. Possibly literally.
A knock at the back door interrupted her thoughts. Olivia smiled. Finally, an excuse to move. Natalia had gone out to pick up some paperwork at The Beacon over an hour ago and she'd given her strict instructions not to go wandering round on her crutches without supervision. Olivia had been behaving. She knew better than to disobey Natalia, after all.
Married five times and this is the one you're happy to obey? her mind quipped as she headed for the door. Not to mention love and honour. You're really far gone.
"Hey Frank!" she exclaimed, pushing the sarcastic inner voice down. "How are you?"
Frank smiled a small, careful smile. "I'm OK thanks Liv...good to see you up and about at last."
Olivia shrugged with one shoulder as she hopped back and let him enter. "Can I get you anything?" she asked.
Frank shook his head. "I'm good."
Olivia smirked. "Good, because I'm not allowed to make coffee anyway."
Frank's eyebrow twitched. "Not allowed?" He smiled. "Olivia Spencer, not allowed to do something? And actually paying attention?"
"Yeah yeah," Olivia replied, a hint of a blush colouring her cheekbones.
Frank took pity. "Is Natalia home?"
Olivia shook her head. "She went to The Beacon for a bit," she explained. "But she'll be back soon, I think."
Frank looked down at the paperwork in his hand. "I need her to sign these papers so I can get Rafe's release finalised..." he muttered. "Do you mind if I wait?"
Olivia shrugged magnanimously. "Sure. You want to come through to the living rom?"
Frank followed her as she delicately limped back to her bed, trying not to appear as tired as she felt from the short walk. He took her crutches and set them aside as she climbed up onto the bed, sitting her leg on top of a small pile of pillows. "How long until this comes off?" Frank asked, nodding towards her leg.
Olivia smiled. "Doctor Rick says two weeks," she replied. "Natalia's been making sure I look after myself."
Frank looked away. "Yeah, Natalia's always looked after you..." he murmured. Olivia shifted uncomfortably.
"Yeah...well...this is just temporary." She pasted a smile on her face to cover the unease that had crept into her heart. When she didn't need to be looked after anymore she'd have to give all this up. She couldn't go on living in this place, seeing Natalia every day, knowing she wanted her and knowing she couldn't...shouldn't...have her. "And you know what?" she continued, false cheer in her voice. "Pretty soon Natalia's going to need someone to look after her."
Frank fixed her with an enquiring look. "She already has that, Liv," he said steadily.
Olivia flushed. Was she so transparent? "You know," she began, pushing her embarrassment away. "Natalia is really...special. She's a really special person."
Frank nodded. "You'll get no argument from me."
Olivia nodded. "And you like her, right?"
Frank leaned back in his chair. "Yeah..." he drawled, not adding that she didn't much like him at the moment.
Olivia flashed a smile on and off at him like a light bulb that burns out the moment you hit the switch. "Do I have to draw you a diagram?" she asked.
Comprehension slowly dawned on Frank's face. If it hadn't been so sad he might have laughed. "Oh...so you think that me and Natalia...?"
"Yes!" Olivia exclaimed. "It's perfect. You're such a good guy, Frank. And she deserves the kind of life you can give her."
Frank regarded Olivia steadily. "And what kind of life is that?"
A normal one, Olivia's mind supplied. One that doesn't involve being attached to the biggest screw-up in Springfield. "I'm talking about safety," she said aloud. "And security and protection."
Frank couldn't meet her eyes. "And love?" He sounded forlorn and far away. Olivia frowned.
"Frank?" she murmured as he leaned forward and took her hand.
"Let me tell you how this goes," he said, still not meeting her eyes. "You push me and Natalia together. You help me out, you coach me in a few things - her favourite foods, what she likes, what she needs... It works. We get engaged, but it's never really right because it's not me she's been falling for. It's just the reflection of who she really wants."
Olivia's mouth was dry. "Frank-" she began, but he squeezed her hand.
"Let me finish," he said. "And do want to know where this leads? The absolute best case scenario? It leads to an altar. Where she leaves me. For you."
Olivia's eyes had filled with tears and when she spoke her voice was shaking. "She deserves so much better..." she whispered.
Frank shook his head. "What she deserves" he said, pinning her with his eyes. "Is everything her heart desires." He gave her hand a final squeeze and released it. "Stop making trouble where there isn't any," he said. "Okay? She loves you, she wants to be with you."
Silence stretched between them as Olivia blinked away tears. "I-" she choked out, then coughed. "Frankie...I-"
Frank held up his hand. "Don't say anything," he murmured, then waved his papers in the air, speaking with a cheer he didn't really feel. "You know, I'm just going to leave these for Natalia. Can you tell her to get them back to me as soon as she can?"
Olivia nodded dumbly, and Frank left her there trying to process exactly what had just happened.
* * * * * *
Natalia looked up, her eyes dark and bleak as Frank entered the kitchen. "Oh, hey," he said in surprise. "How long have you been here?"
Her lip trembled a little as she looked away. "Long enough," she murmured. "Long enough to hear her trying to do it again...trying to give me away..."
Frank pulled up a chair and sat beside her. He would have liked to reach out to her somehow, but didn't know if he'd be welcome. "She's just confused," he said.
Natalia snorted. "This isn't confusion," she said harshly. "This is cowardice."
Frank frowned and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Maybe," he allowed. "But you know...it takes a lot for Olivia to give her heart to someone." He smiled at her incredulous look. "I know, married five times, right? But you know...I think for her that's always been more about her body than her heart. Body is easy. She knows exactly what she has to offer in that department. But this...you know, she's just scared. She's scared she won't be able to give you everything you deserve."
Natalia scraped her hands through her hair in frustration. "But she's everything!" she exclaimed, though quietly, conscious of Olivia in the other room. "She's everything to me."
Frank looked down at his hands. "Have you told her that?" he asked.
Natalia sighed. "I've shown her," she said. "That's more important. Words can be false, words can be lies...actions are where you find the truth. I've loved her...in every touch and every movement and every smile...for so long."
Frank considered that for a moment. "Can I give you some advice?" he asked hesitantly. "Some advice that...a friend gave to me once."
Natalia regarded him warily. "Okay," she said at last.
Frank smiled wryly, barely able to believe he was about to say this. "Tell her," he said. "Tell her what she means to you. And keep telling her. And when she seems unsure..." his voice wavered, but he carried on, "you just hold her, and you love her."
After a moment he looked up at her and had to smile. She was wearing a shell-shocked expression that could have been the twin of Olivia's. He held up the paperwork he'd brought. "I need you to sign this," he said, bringing her back to reality.
"What...? Oh. Right."
She quickly found the places she needed to sign and did it, with a slightly trembling hand. Frank double checked the forms and nodded. "Okay...he should be with you the day after tomorrow," he said. Natalia still looked shell-shocked. "Did you hear me?"
Natalia shook herself. "Yes." She managed to smile. "Yes, I heard you." She surprised him by wrapping her arms round his neck in a brief hug. "I heard everything. Thank you, Frank."
Frank blushed and pulled away from the embrace as soon as he could. "It was the least I could do," he said. "I know it'll never be enough..."
Natalia held up her hand to interrupt him. "Forgiveness isn't something you can earn," she said softly. "Not from me, anyway. It's a gift." She took a deep breath. "I forgive you, Frank," she said at last. "Can you forgive me?"
Frank looked away, sudden tears stinging his eyes. "There's nothing to forgive," he said. "Just...be happy."
Natalia's smile was brilliant. "I will," she said. "If I have to drag her kicking and screaming, I'll get through to her. I will."
In that moment, Frank almost didn't envy Olivia at all.
Almost.
When he was gone Natalia sat alone for a few minutes, thoughts swirling through her head. Was what she had done really not enough? Did Olivia really still doubt how she felt, what she wanted?
The chair scraped along the floor as she stood and moved to the doorway. She leaned her hip against the doorframe, crossing her arms as she looked at Olivia in the bed. "Hey," she said.
"Hey," Olivia replied huskily. She coughed. "Frank was here..."
"I know," Natalia replied. "I saw him."
They lapsed into silence. Olivia couldn't meet Natalia's eyes. Love, tenderness and desire swelled in Natalia's chest, growing stronger and stronger like a wave rushing to shore the longer their silence stretched until, finally...it broke. "Do I have to hit you over the head with this?" she murmured.
Olivia's eyes snapped towards her as she pushed away from the doorframe and crossed the room. She watched her, heart pounding, as she perched on her bed. Her breath caught in her throat as Natalia took her face in her hands, her thumbs stroking her cheeks, her eyes gentle and soft as they stared into hers.
And then she kissed her and there was nothing brief or chaste or comforting about it.
Olivia gasped, her lips parting slightly as Natalia's hands stroked through her hair. She felt rather than heard Natalia's soft moan and suddenly knew that she had been waiting for this for longer than she could remember. This was all she needed, all she had ever needed, all she would ever need... She wrapped her arms round Natalia's neck, giving in, sinking back into the pillows as Natalia kissed her, and loved her, and claimed her.
Their foreheads bumped together and their breath mingled as Natalia finally pulled away. For a long time Olivia couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't even open her eyes. When she did they were dark, love and desire blending in a complex cocktail that made Natalia's head spin.
"We were in love," Olivia breathed, wonder and awe and clarity edging into her voice. "Weren't we?"
Natalia kissed her again, giddiness bubbling up inside her. Her trembling hands cupped Olivia's face like it was the most precious of jewels and her eyes were filled with such heat that she was surprised she hadn't set something on fire. She took a deep, steadying breath.
"Yes."
TBC...
A/N - And this is the new longest chapter of this fic - and I hope you enjoyed because I might, might, not be able to update tomorrow. ::Wonko ducks as twenty people throw stuff at her at once:: I'll try my best but I have so much to do tomorrow, if I update consider it a bonus. Sunday will be service as normal.