TITLE: Turn To Me
AUTHOR: Wonko
FANDOM: Guiding Light
RATING: PG for this part.
SUMMARY: Natalia is forced to come to terms with her feelings alone when Olivia is injured.
TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on 17th of April and diverges from the canon storyline at that point.
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Part 14] [
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Part 17] [
Part 18] [
Part 19]
Olivia Spencer was in pain. Her leg ached and itched under the
cast, her arm throbbed, her head was usually thumping and she needed to
go to the bathroom almost constantly because Natalia was making her drink
a ton of water. She was also really cold all the time except, of
course, for the times when she broke out in terrible sweats that nothing
would quite relieve. She was often alone and often bored, unable
to concentrate on her books or the TV or a movie someone had left on.
All in all she should have been having a frustrating time but she noticed
none of it because Natalia was there.
Natalia was there when she woke up in the morning, lying beside her
peacefully, her lips slightly parted, breathing slow and deep. Natalia
was there when she lost interest in her book or TV show around midday and
needed a new distraction, bringing her carefully thought out, balanced
meals, specially selected for their nutritional properties. Natalia
was there when she fell asleep, usually talking softly and rhythmically
about some event from their shared past which Olivia had forgotten.
Her memory was still an unfinished painting, but she felt that some of
the colours were coming through now; filled in by Natalia's patient brushstrokes
in the quiet hours between Emma's bedtime and sleep. Some of them
she'd even remembered for herself - the piece of skirting she'd spent way
too much money and time tracking down at Christmas, and the look of joy
on Natalia's face that had made it all worthwhile. She hadn't told
Natalia that one yet. She was saving it for that night in bed, because
when she surprised Natalia in bed she always got a hug.
And, she'd come to discover, there weren't many things she wouldn't
do for one of Natalia's hugs.
That scared her a little, but less than it had. The familiarity
of it had gradually seeped under her skin, chasing the fear away and leaving
warmth and contentment in its place. She felt right when Natalia
was in her arms. She felt empty when she was gone.
But even when she was gone from the farmhouse physically she was present
in spirit. In the fresh fruit salad she left by Olivia's bed every
morning, in the flowers on the mantle, in the notes Olivia sometimes found
tucked under her pillow - simple things like 'Call me if you get bored'
or 'Work's so dull without you'. Olivia had kept all of them
folded carefully between the pages of the Stephen King book Emma had picked
out for her - a temporary home until she could find somewhere permanent.
Sometimes she'd take them out and read them over again and again...if she
concentrated hard enough she believed she could almost smell the scent
of Natalia's skin lingering on the paper...
"So, you're getting on with Natalia then," Jeffrey said, looking at
her with an amused smirk.
Olivia stopped mid sentence. "What?"
Jeffrey shrugged. "You haven't stopped talking about her since
I came in," he explained blandly. "I thought I was here to see how
you're feeling, not to get a personal performance of the Natalia Rivera
is Wonderful show."
Olivia's lips tautened into a severe line. "I talked about other
things," she protested, but even she didn't believe it was true.
Jeffrey raised his eyebrow. "Natalia's such a good cook!"
he sing-songed, trying to imitate her voice. "Natalia's so good
with Emma! Natalia's been helping me get my memory back! Natalia's
looking after me so well!"
Olivia flushed darkly. "God, you're annoying," she muttered, sinking
back against her pillows.
"And you," he replied, leaning forward. "Are smitten."
Olivia's face went from red to white so quickly it was almost comical.
"What?"
Jeffrey leaned back again, a self-satisfied smirk on his face.
"You heard me."
A silence stretched between them. "I don't know what you're talking
about," Olivia lied. This feeling, whatever it was, whatever the
reason she was having it, she wanted to enjoy it a little longer.
She wanted to just bask in it for a while without naming it, because if
it was named she'd have to face it and-
"You're falling for her," Jeffrey said, interrupting her inner monologue.
So much for that, Olivia's mind remarked acidly.
"I really wish you hadn't said that," she said quietly.
Jeffrey regarded her steadily for a moment. "I know you, Olivia,"
he said at last. "I know you don't like losing control."
"Yeah, I wonder how I developed that little hangup," she replied instantly,
shooting him a look filled with a kind of anger he hadn't seen for a long
time.
"I know," he said softly. "I know exactly how I...damaged you."
He looked at the floor, a familiar shame washing over him like a wave.
Olivia covered her eyes with her hand. "What does any of this
have to do with Natalia?" she asked.
Jeffrey looked up. "Just that...when you love someone," he began,
"you do give them power. Power to hurt you. But power to heal
you too."
Olivia shook her head. "I don't need to be healed."
Jeffrey smiled gently. "Really."
Silence stretched between them for a long moment before Olivia looked
away and forced a laugh. "This is ridiculous," she muttered.
"Me and Natalia? She's just so...and I'm..."
"What? What is she?"
Olivia closed her eyes. "She's good," she said at last.
"She's decent, she's kind, she's warm, she's b-beautiful-" her breath caught
as she stumbled over the last word, and suddenly remembered saying all
of that before, to someone else she couldn't quite place.
Jeffrey took her hand in his. "And what are you?" he asked softly.
Olivia opened her eyes, a look of infinite sadness passing over her
face like a cloud. "I'm Olivia freakin' Spencer," she said, in the
same tone as she might have said 'serial killer'. "I'm toxic.
I destroy everything I touch. I disappoint the people I love.
I hurt them. I'm not a good person, and it doesn't matter how hard
I try to change. It'll never happen...because of me...the way I am..."
For a moment Jeffrey didn't know what to say. "Olivia," he murmured
at last. "You don't honestly believe all that, do you?" Olivia
looked away and didn't answer. Jeffrey pressed. "Olivia?"
When she didn't answer he squeezed her hand. "You're wrong," he said
sharply.
"Am I?" She sounded weary, defeated.
"Yes!" Jeffrey leaned forward. "You're good Olivia.
And do you know how I know? Because you forgave me."
Olivia shook her head. "It was my fault-" she began, but Jeffrey
cut her off.
"No," he said, shaking his head. "I know what I did. I know.
Don't!" he warned, holding up his hand to stop her from interrupting.
"What happened was not in any way your fault. It was mine.
No one forced me. I forced you."
For a long moment neither of them could speak. Twenty-three years
worth of pain, shame and guilt sat between them like a living thing.
"I-" Olivia began, breathing hard through sudden tears. "I...I
don't-"
"Sssh," Jeffrey hushed her. "You don't have to say anything.
But you need to know...there are very, very few people in this world who
could forgive me for what I did. You are one of those rare, special
people. And that's how I know you're good, Olivia. Because
you sacrificed your righteous anger to ease my shame." He looked
away. "You do that a lot," he murmured.
"What?" Olivia asked, her voice husky with tears.
"Sacrifice yourself," he replied. "You think you're a bad person?
What kind of person is willing to give up everything that could make them
happy for the sake of someone they love?" He squeezed her hand tightly.
"That's what you've done. I know you don't remember." He looked
up. "But if you don't believe me, you can ask Natalia."
"Ask me what?"
Two sets of eyes swung round to the smiling woman who'd just walked
in. But as soon as she saw Olivia's face Natalia's smile faded.
"What's wrong?"
Olivia wiped at her eyes harshly with the heel of her hand. "Jeffrey
and I are reminiscing," she answered vaguely.
Jeffrey leaned back in his chair. "Actually, I was just going,"
he said. "Think about what I said, Olivia." Then, with a quick
press of his lips to her forehead, he was gone. Natalia took his
place in the chair by her bed.
"What's going on?" she asked, a frown creasing her brow.
Olivia stared at her, seeing for the first time the warmth, affection
and...yes...love in Natalia's eyes. She didn't know why, didn't know
what she could have possibly done to deserve this but there was one thing
of which she was absolutely sure.
Natalia was her salvation.
She just couldn't shake the feeling that she, Olivia, was a curse.
TBC...
A/N -
kissmychakram asked to have the angst back. Here you go doll ;-)