FIC: Turn To Me part 22/27; Guiding Light
TITLE: Turn To Me
AUTHOR: Wonko
FANDOM: Guiding Light
RATING: PG-13 for this part.
SUMMARY: Natalia is forced to come to terms with her feelings alone when Olivia is injured.
TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on 17th of April and diverges from the canon storyline at that point.
A/N - Yes, you read the header right - I know where it's going to end now.
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4] [ Part 5] [ Part 6] [ Part 7] [ Part 8] [ Part 9] [ Part 10] [ Part 11] [ Part 12] [ Part 13] [ Part 14] [ Part 15] [ Part 16] [ Part 17] [ Part 18] [ Part 19] [ Part 20] [ Part 21]
Natalia knew what people thought of her. She knew she was thought of as pure, sweet, innocent, kind, chaste - all that good stuff. And it was mostly true. But today, as she sat by the side of the road in a car that refused to drive any further with smoke rising lazily from the hood, all that went straight out of the proverbial window.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" she screamed, punctuating each curse with a smack of her hand on the steering wheel. She took a deep breath when she was done, leaning her head forward. She didn't feel any better. All that had changed was that now her hand hurt and she knew that, even if she managed to get to Mass today, she wouldn't be able to receive communion because she wasn't in anything close to what could be described as a State of Grace.
The day had started so promisingly. She'd woken - warm, contented and safe - early, to the sound of birdsong and the sensation of being held, an arm loose around her hip, warm breath tickling her neck evenly and slowly. Olivia had still been asleep, and Natalia had greedily drunk in the feeling of a heavy, sleepy arm pinning her to the mattress, knowing that Olivia would withdraw as soon as she woke up, like always, and she'd have to pretend she'd been asleep the whole time.
It was strange how, in the days and weeks since Jeffrey's visit, Olivia had been seemingly stuck in a cycle of pushing Natalia away one minute and pulling her closer the next. There were days when she'd flinch from the other woman's casual touches and impulsive hugs as if burned - but then there were days when she craved them, even initiated them. Natalia's head was spinning with it all. She wanted to ask Olivia what was going on, but the words kept sticking in her throat, transforming into banal, everyday questions on the trip from her heart to her mouth.
Why do you fear me? became What do you want for dinner?
Will you let me touch you? became How does your arm feel?
Do you long for me as I long for you? became nothing but ash in her mouth - there was no simple platitude to take the place of that one yet. And yet still she couldn't just ask it, no-matter how many times it leapt unbidden to her lips
Because what if the answer was no?
Natalia sighed. They had been coasting along in neutral for weeks and she had no idea how to find first gear. She had about as much of an idea of how to get their relationship - such as it was - back on the road as she did the broken down car that had failed her so suddenly and spectacularly on the way to pick up Rafe.
A sudden knocking at the window made her head jerk up in surprise. "Oh no..." she muttered as she saw who was there.
"Hey," Frank said, shouting slightly to be heard through the glass. "You need some help?"
* * * * * *
Well, Olivia's mind remarked caustically as she flopped on the floor like a fish out of water. This wasn't one of your better ideas.
It was Natalia's fault really. Gotta keep yourself hydrated Olivia. Water will help your bones heal Olivia. Yeah, and water also made her want to piss like a racehorse almost all the time, and Natalia had been in a rush for some reason that morning and hadn't remembered to take her to the bathroom.
It wasn't like her at all. Usually Natalia was up long before Olivia even stirred but this morning she'd woken first...with her body pressed up against Natalia's back and her arm draped possessively over her hip. The thought of it made her blood run cold then hot in such quick succession it made her head spin. Hot because it felt so, so heartbreakingly right. Cold because she couldn't help but wonder how many other times her body had sought out Natalia's in the night - how many times had Natalia woken to Olivia manhandling her and sneaked out of bed to spare her blushes? She could barely bring herself to think about it, but pretty soon it was pushed from her mind by ever louder interruptions from her body, which were leaving her in no doubt of what would happen if she didn't get to the bathroom quickly. Really quickly.
Natalia had been gone for an hour and Emma was still at Jodie's on a sleepover, so Olivia had decided she needed to take matters into her own hands. Which was how she found herself lying painfully on the floor with no way to get herself up, feeling weak, helpless and strangely embarrassed, even though she was alone in the house. Like a turtle upended on its shell, all she could do was lie there and wait for rescue.
Which came much more promptly than she had expected.
"Olivia! What the hell are you doing on the floor?"
Olivia raised a sardonic eyebrow at Natalia as she hovered over her. "Tapdancing," she muttered darkly. "What does it look like?"
Natalia rolled her eyes. "You could have hurt yourself," she admonished.
"Oh no, I didn't think of that," Olivia deadpanned as Natalia helped her up and into her wheelchair.
"Oh, could you just stop for five minutes?" Natalia's voice was raised and tense.
"I will if you will," Olivia snapped, shrugging off the arm that had curled round her shoulders.
Natalia put her hands on her hips. "What does that mean?"
Olivia turned away, scowling. "You don't have to lecture me about consequences all the time," she growled. "You're not my mother, you know."
Natalia let out a bitter laugh. "Trust me, I am very, very much aware of that," she said. "And I don't suppose she had any luck trying to get through to you either, right?"
Olivia's mind flashed back to a warm summer night, an embassy party, an argument, a rebellion...a mistake. "No, she didn't," she said, and her voice was so forlorn that Natalia forgot to be angry.
"What were you trying to do?" she asked gently, sliding her arm once again round Olivia's shoulders. This time she was not rebuffed.
Olivia's jaw tightened. "I need to go to the bathroom," she muttered.
Natalia suddenly remembered that she hadn't gone through their normal morning routine that day. She'd been enjoying the feeling of being held by Olivia so much that she'd just basked in it - and she'd left it so late that by the time Olivia woke up and pulled away she barely had time to dress before rushing out the door to get Rafe. The familiar sensation of guilt hit her like a bucket of water. She had been selfish that morning, and now Olivia was suffering for it.
"Okay," she said at last. "Then let's go."
This trip to the bathroom was almost as awkward as the first one had been. There was just something about fighting with Natalia that made Olivia much more aware of the other woman and what an intimate situation they were in. Natalia had always been very good about giving her as much privacy as she could, but Olivia was finding it hard to ignore her when her skin burned everywhere her fingers touched and her heart was pounding like a jackhammer.
"Why are you back so quick anyway?" Olivia asked when Natalia had got her safely back to bed, more for something to say than anything else.
Natalia sighed deeply. "My car broke down again," she said wearily. "Frank found me on the way to the halfway house and got me a tow truck."
"Did he give you a ride back?" Olivia asked.
Natalia shook her head. "I took a cab," she said.
Olivia frowned. "What? Why didn't Frank take you? He had better things to do?"
Natalia shook her head. "Long story."
That seemed to close that chapter of the conversation and for a moment Olivia couldn't think of anything to say. "Is it going to be expensive? The car I mean," she said at last and Natalia winced.
"Probably. This is all I need..."
Suddenly Olivia brightened. "Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you get a new car?"
Natalia shot her a dubious look. "Have you seen me buying lottery tickets lately?"
Olivia waved her hand dismissively. "I'll take care of it," she breezed.
Natalia's lips thinned into a line and she shook her head. "No."
Olivia sat back a little as some of the wind crept from her sails. "What?"
"I don't need charity," Natalia said firmly.
Olivia stared at her in disbelief for a long few moments. "Charity," she repeated incredulously. "You think of me giving you a gift as charity."
Natalia looked away, shaking her head. "This isn't exactly like a candy bar or a new sweater. A car is a serious financial commitment. I can't ask you to do that."
Olivia threw her hands in the air. "You're not asking! I want you to have it."
Natalia's resolve strengthened. "No," she said adamantly.
Olivia suddenly felt as if she might cry. Appalled at herself for the treacherous feeling, she transferred most of it to anger. "Why do you do this?"
Natalia sat back a little, slightly stunned by the vitriol in Olivia's tone. "Do what?"
"Reject everything I try to give you. I can't do anything right with you, can I?"
Natalia frowned, searching Olivia's face for the source of this abrupt mood swing. "I don't-"
"You do!" Olivia interrupted, and hated herself for the tears springing to her eyes. "I try so hard to do the right thing...to be a better person for you and you just...won't let me..." She trailed off, punching the bed in frustration as sobs choked through her words.
"Hey, come on, don't cry," Natalia gasped, moving to take the distraught woman into her arms. "Sssh, it's okay," she murmured against Olivia's brow, smoothing her hair back with one hand while clutching her shoulder with the other. "Why are you getting so upset?"
Olivia clung to her, trying to suppress her tears, feeling ridiculous, but unable to stop. "I just want," she gasped, "to give you something for a change. You just give give give to everyone all the time...and there's nothing I can do for you except this...this is all I know how to do..."
Natalia held her tight, soothing her with soft words and even softer lips pressed against her forehead, her cheek and once, ever so briefly, her trembling mouth. "Okay," she breathed against Olivia's lips. "How about a compromise?"
Olivia took a long time to answer. She was lost in a vague haze with nothing but the memory of Natalia's lips on hers for company. "Wh...what?" she murmured at last.
Natalia released her and sat back in her chair. "A business arrangement," she said.
Olivia's head spun at the abrupt change in the tone of the conversation. "A business arrangement," she repeated flatly.
Natalia nodded. "Instead of you buying me a car," she said. "How about we buy a car?"
Olivia frowned. "You mean...we buy a car...together?"
Natalia nodded. "We already live and work together," she said. "It couldn't hurt to do a little merging in other areas. Say I talk to the bank and get us a joint account - you pay your rent and a percentage of your income in there, I put a chunk in every month and we use it to pay the mortgage, and the car loan, and any other joint expenses that come up." She made it all sound extremely reasonable.
"So..." Olivia said warily. "We'd...have a joint bank account..."
Natalia shrugged. "Obviously we maintain our separate accounts for most things," she explained. "But this would make things easier for expenses relating to the house and the car, if you still want to go ahead with that. I'm sure even I can get credit with you co-signing."
Olivia considered the idea for a moment. "I don't know..." she said softly. "I've...I've never had a joint account with anyone before."
Natalia looked at her steadily. "You've been married five times, Olivia," she said in surprise. "And you've never shared your life with anyone?"
Olivia shifted uncomfortably. "Well, when you put it like that..."
Natalia interrupted her with a wave of her hand. "Do you trust me?" she said.
Olivia didn't even have to think about it. "Yes," she replied instantly.
Natalia smiled one of her amazing, breathtaking smiles. "Okay then," she said brightly. "I'll get the ball rolling." She stood, breathing deeply through her nose. "Now, what would you like for lunch?"
Olivia watched her get up and head towards the kitchen, humming a cheery tune. She had the distinct impression that she'd just been wound tightly round Natalia Rivera's little finger.
Strangely, she didn't really mind.
TBC...
A/N - I said today would make up for yesterday's short chapter, right? This was about 400 words longer than any other part so far so I hope it did.
AUTHOR: Wonko
FANDOM: Guiding Light
RATING: PG-13 for this part.
SUMMARY: Natalia is forced to come to terms with her feelings alone when Olivia is injured.
TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on 17th of April and diverges from the canon storyline at that point.
A/N - Yes, you read the header right - I know where it's going to end now.
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4] [ Part 5] [ Part 6] [ Part 7] [ Part 8] [ Part 9] [ Part 10] [ Part 11] [ Part 12] [ Part 13] [ Part 14] [ Part 15] [ Part 16] [ Part 17] [ Part 18] [ Part 19] [ Part 20] [ Part 21]
Natalia knew what people thought of her. She knew she was thought of as pure, sweet, innocent, kind, chaste - all that good stuff. And it was mostly true. But today, as she sat by the side of the road in a car that refused to drive any further with smoke rising lazily from the hood, all that went straight out of the proverbial window.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" she screamed, punctuating each curse with a smack of her hand on the steering wheel. She took a deep breath when she was done, leaning her head forward. She didn't feel any better. All that had changed was that now her hand hurt and she knew that, even if she managed to get to Mass today, she wouldn't be able to receive communion because she wasn't in anything close to what could be described as a State of Grace.
The day had started so promisingly. She'd woken - warm, contented and safe - early, to the sound of birdsong and the sensation of being held, an arm loose around her hip, warm breath tickling her neck evenly and slowly. Olivia had still been asleep, and Natalia had greedily drunk in the feeling of a heavy, sleepy arm pinning her to the mattress, knowing that Olivia would withdraw as soon as she woke up, like always, and she'd have to pretend she'd been asleep the whole time.
It was strange how, in the days and weeks since Jeffrey's visit, Olivia had been seemingly stuck in a cycle of pushing Natalia away one minute and pulling her closer the next. There were days when she'd flinch from the other woman's casual touches and impulsive hugs as if burned - but then there were days when she craved them, even initiated them. Natalia's head was spinning with it all. She wanted to ask Olivia what was going on, but the words kept sticking in her throat, transforming into banal, everyday questions on the trip from her heart to her mouth.
Why do you fear me? became What do you want for dinner?
Will you let me touch you? became How does your arm feel?
Do you long for me as I long for you? became nothing but ash in her mouth - there was no simple platitude to take the place of that one yet. And yet still she couldn't just ask it, no-matter how many times it leapt unbidden to her lips
Because what if the answer was no?
Natalia sighed. They had been coasting along in neutral for weeks and she had no idea how to find first gear. She had about as much of an idea of how to get their relationship - such as it was - back on the road as she did the broken down car that had failed her so suddenly and spectacularly on the way to pick up Rafe.
A sudden knocking at the window made her head jerk up in surprise. "Oh no..." she muttered as she saw who was there.
"Hey," Frank said, shouting slightly to be heard through the glass. "You need some help?"
* * * * * *
Well, Olivia's mind remarked caustically as she flopped on the floor like a fish out of water. This wasn't one of your better ideas.
It was Natalia's fault really. Gotta keep yourself hydrated Olivia. Water will help your bones heal Olivia. Yeah, and water also made her want to piss like a racehorse almost all the time, and Natalia had been in a rush for some reason that morning and hadn't remembered to take her to the bathroom.
It wasn't like her at all. Usually Natalia was up long before Olivia even stirred but this morning she'd woken first...with her body pressed up against Natalia's back and her arm draped possessively over her hip. The thought of it made her blood run cold then hot in such quick succession it made her head spin. Hot because it felt so, so heartbreakingly right. Cold because she couldn't help but wonder how many other times her body had sought out Natalia's in the night - how many times had Natalia woken to Olivia manhandling her and sneaked out of bed to spare her blushes? She could barely bring herself to think about it, but pretty soon it was pushed from her mind by ever louder interruptions from her body, which were leaving her in no doubt of what would happen if she didn't get to the bathroom quickly. Really quickly.
Natalia had been gone for an hour and Emma was still at Jodie's on a sleepover, so Olivia had decided she needed to take matters into her own hands. Which was how she found herself lying painfully on the floor with no way to get herself up, feeling weak, helpless and strangely embarrassed, even though she was alone in the house. Like a turtle upended on its shell, all she could do was lie there and wait for rescue.
Which came much more promptly than she had expected.
"Olivia! What the hell are you doing on the floor?"
Olivia raised a sardonic eyebrow at Natalia as she hovered over her. "Tapdancing," she muttered darkly. "What does it look like?"
Natalia rolled her eyes. "You could have hurt yourself," she admonished.
"Oh no, I didn't think of that," Olivia deadpanned as Natalia helped her up and into her wheelchair.
"Oh, could you just stop for five minutes?" Natalia's voice was raised and tense.
"I will if you will," Olivia snapped, shrugging off the arm that had curled round her shoulders.
Natalia put her hands on her hips. "What does that mean?"
Olivia turned away, scowling. "You don't have to lecture me about consequences all the time," she growled. "You're not my mother, you know."
Natalia let out a bitter laugh. "Trust me, I am very, very much aware of that," she said. "And I don't suppose she had any luck trying to get through to you either, right?"
Olivia's mind flashed back to a warm summer night, an embassy party, an argument, a rebellion...a mistake. "No, she didn't," she said, and her voice was so forlorn that Natalia forgot to be angry.
"What were you trying to do?" she asked gently, sliding her arm once again round Olivia's shoulders. This time she was not rebuffed.
Olivia's jaw tightened. "I need to go to the bathroom," she muttered.
Natalia suddenly remembered that she hadn't gone through their normal morning routine that day. She'd been enjoying the feeling of being held by Olivia so much that she'd just basked in it - and she'd left it so late that by the time Olivia woke up and pulled away she barely had time to dress before rushing out the door to get Rafe. The familiar sensation of guilt hit her like a bucket of water. She had been selfish that morning, and now Olivia was suffering for it.
"Okay," she said at last. "Then let's go."
This trip to the bathroom was almost as awkward as the first one had been. There was just something about fighting with Natalia that made Olivia much more aware of the other woman and what an intimate situation they were in. Natalia had always been very good about giving her as much privacy as she could, but Olivia was finding it hard to ignore her when her skin burned everywhere her fingers touched and her heart was pounding like a jackhammer.
"Why are you back so quick anyway?" Olivia asked when Natalia had got her safely back to bed, more for something to say than anything else.
Natalia sighed deeply. "My car broke down again," she said wearily. "Frank found me on the way to the halfway house and got me a tow truck."
"Did he give you a ride back?" Olivia asked.
Natalia shook her head. "I took a cab," she said.
Olivia frowned. "What? Why didn't Frank take you? He had better things to do?"
Natalia shook her head. "Long story."
That seemed to close that chapter of the conversation and for a moment Olivia couldn't think of anything to say. "Is it going to be expensive? The car I mean," she said at last and Natalia winced.
"Probably. This is all I need..."
Suddenly Olivia brightened. "Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you get a new car?"
Natalia shot her a dubious look. "Have you seen me buying lottery tickets lately?"
Olivia waved her hand dismissively. "I'll take care of it," she breezed.
Natalia's lips thinned into a line and she shook her head. "No."
Olivia sat back a little as some of the wind crept from her sails. "What?"
"I don't need charity," Natalia said firmly.
Olivia stared at her in disbelief for a long few moments. "Charity," she repeated incredulously. "You think of me giving you a gift as charity."
Natalia looked away, shaking her head. "This isn't exactly like a candy bar or a new sweater. A car is a serious financial commitment. I can't ask you to do that."
Olivia threw her hands in the air. "You're not asking! I want you to have it."
Natalia's resolve strengthened. "No," she said adamantly.
Olivia suddenly felt as if she might cry. Appalled at herself for the treacherous feeling, she transferred most of it to anger. "Why do you do this?"
Natalia sat back a little, slightly stunned by the vitriol in Olivia's tone. "Do what?"
"Reject everything I try to give you. I can't do anything right with you, can I?"
Natalia frowned, searching Olivia's face for the source of this abrupt mood swing. "I don't-"
"You do!" Olivia interrupted, and hated herself for the tears springing to her eyes. "I try so hard to do the right thing...to be a better person for you and you just...won't let me..." She trailed off, punching the bed in frustration as sobs choked through her words.
"Hey, come on, don't cry," Natalia gasped, moving to take the distraught woman into her arms. "Sssh, it's okay," she murmured against Olivia's brow, smoothing her hair back with one hand while clutching her shoulder with the other. "Why are you getting so upset?"
Olivia clung to her, trying to suppress her tears, feeling ridiculous, but unable to stop. "I just want," she gasped, "to give you something for a change. You just give give give to everyone all the time...and there's nothing I can do for you except this...this is all I know how to do..."
Natalia held her tight, soothing her with soft words and even softer lips pressed against her forehead, her cheek and once, ever so briefly, her trembling mouth. "Okay," she breathed against Olivia's lips. "How about a compromise?"
Olivia took a long time to answer. She was lost in a vague haze with nothing but the memory of Natalia's lips on hers for company. "Wh...what?" she murmured at last.
Natalia released her and sat back in her chair. "A business arrangement," she said.
Olivia's head spun at the abrupt change in the tone of the conversation. "A business arrangement," she repeated flatly.
Natalia nodded. "Instead of you buying me a car," she said. "How about we buy a car?"
Olivia frowned. "You mean...we buy a car...together?"
Natalia nodded. "We already live and work together," she said. "It couldn't hurt to do a little merging in other areas. Say I talk to the bank and get us a joint account - you pay your rent and a percentage of your income in there, I put a chunk in every month and we use it to pay the mortgage, and the car loan, and any other joint expenses that come up." She made it all sound extremely reasonable.
"So..." Olivia said warily. "We'd...have a joint bank account..."
Natalia shrugged. "Obviously we maintain our separate accounts for most things," she explained. "But this would make things easier for expenses relating to the house and the car, if you still want to go ahead with that. I'm sure even I can get credit with you co-signing."
Olivia considered the idea for a moment. "I don't know..." she said softly. "I've...I've never had a joint account with anyone before."
Natalia looked at her steadily. "You've been married five times, Olivia," she said in surprise. "And you've never shared your life with anyone?"
Olivia shifted uncomfortably. "Well, when you put it like that..."
Natalia interrupted her with a wave of her hand. "Do you trust me?" she said.
Olivia didn't even have to think about it. "Yes," she replied instantly.
Natalia smiled one of her amazing, breathtaking smiles. "Okay then," she said brightly. "I'll get the ball rolling." She stood, breathing deeply through her nose. "Now, what would you like for lunch?"
Olivia watched her get up and head towards the kitchen, humming a cheery tune. She had the distinct impression that she'd just been wound tightly round Natalia Rivera's little finger.
Strangely, she didn't really mind.
TBC...
A/N - I said today would make up for yesterday's short chapter, right? This was about 400 words longer than any other part so far so I hope it did.