[Anyone who tries to call the Noir household today will be met by a strange-- but disturbingly familiar, for some-- voice.]

Can I help you, dahlin'?

[Housemates will find a woman, hardly taller than a plastic fork, answering phones and doing assorted chores around the house. She looks exactly like Vince in dress. Vince himself is in the living room, ( Read more... )

I don't really think Their Satanic Majesties Request was a very good album. I mean, it's not terrible, 'cause nothin' Jagger does could ever be that, it's just not their best. Blatant rip-off of Sgt. Pepper.

-- Oh, yeah, and I'm actually 32 years old. 33? Do y'age here? I hope not; I've already done enough of that, thank y'very much.

So. Y'know how sometimes things from people's worlds get loose and start causin' all sorts of trouble and the person from that world's the only person who can stop 'em so they've got to tell everybody to stay outta their way 'cause they'll just get hurt?

That's happenin' right now. Nobody panic; there's just a transsexual merman on the prowl. I've ( Read more... )

[Being in Mayfield for over a year has given Vince a pretty good idea of what to except when certain days come along, and Mother's Day is one that especially sticks out in his memory. Mostly because of how fun Father's Day was after that, but Vince isn't planning on going through that all over again. Too awkward. Too messy. Too filled with doing ( Read more... )

[It's been a hard couple of months to be a Vince, man. Crazy Mayfield shit. Howard gone-- again. His daughter running off to join a band with some American hipster. All in all, not good times. So, what is a Vince to do to cheer himself up after these bad times? Commune with his motherfucking animal brethren, that's what!

The snow's gone, and 50 ( Read more... )

[Yeah, that Christmas pretty much sucked. Right up there with the one where he got socks for a present.

Speaking of which...]

[FAIL!FILTERED FROM HOWARD he hasn't done this for a while okay...]

... So, how do y'apologize for murderin' your best friend?

Would a nice gift basket work?

[It's a dark Christmas day. Grey, and dreary.

Vince is walking down the streets of Mayfield in an uncharacteristically drab overcoat, an even more uncharacteristically grim expression on his face. Ever since he sent in the letter, he's been wondering what the reply would be-- you can tell when they mess with your body, your surroundings, but how can ( Read more... )

[So, one day Vince woke up and found out that he wasn't a barber anymore. Cool, cool, he's always one for a change, can't do the same thing for too long. So, he went to go find out where he was gonna work for now on.

And entered the land of his darkest nightmares.

You will find Vince at the butcher shop in various states of catatonic shock. He might ( Read more... )

[Halloween is practically a religious holiday for POINTEDCOUGH-something manchildren such as Vince, so you can bet your ass he'll be out there to get his free candy. He's dressed as Adam Ant's Prince Charming because that's what he's gone as since the age of eleven and he sure as hell ain't stopping now. You may find him in various situations on ( Read more... )

[Everyone else has been making long speeches and giving great advice about the hazmat men. Vince could do that too-- he was in Westport, after all, he'd always known this would happen, he should've prepared for it, should've done a lot of things-- but he's always been a man of few words. Simple, monosyllabic words.]

Don't bloody go outside!

[ ( Read more... )