Fic: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 23/?
Title: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 23/?
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. And sometimes we realize that certain things are worth fighting for. Starts a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon. Reunion fic.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Three weeks later
"Callie."
I nudge the sleeping woman's shoulder, tugging the blankets down a bit from where they're bunched against her face. It's a good hour and a half earlier than we normally need to be up, but I'm awake and I'm restless, craving my wife's company.
"Callie, are you awake?"
A barely audible groan sounds from under her curtain of dark hair and she rolls over slowly, blinking up at me.
"I am now. What time is it?"
The room is still dark in the early morning light, with only the light from my bedside lamp illuminating the space, and she looks over at the faint glow of the alarm clock with sleepy eyes.
"It's five," I perch on the edge of the mattress beside her hips, "I thought I heard Sofia, so I got up, but she's still fast asleep and now I'm wide awake."
"I love you, I do, but if you were going to wake me up at least it could have been in a sexy way."
I watch as she stretches her arms above her head, yawning and letting out a heavy sigh. I wasn't going to say anything, not until I had a little more confirmation, but I suddenly can't help the words that tumble out of my mouth.
"I'm late."
Callie's eyes blink up at me again, immediately looking more awake -- the surprise evident in them even in the low glow of the lamp.
"Late, late?"
I smile a little, trailing my hand over her blanket-covered thigh and absently rubbing small circles against her hip.
"Only two days. I don't feel any different though...I don't have any of the other signs. So I'm not sure."
The brunette sits up, a grin tugging at her lips as her eyes flit downward to my stomach for a moment.
"I had zero signs until I realized my period was like a week and a half late. So that doesn't mean anything."
She laughs softly, her hand sliding over to rest delicately on my abdomen.
"Oh my god, Arizona. You could be pregnant right now."
The instant delight in her voice is evident, and I can't help but let my grin match her own. It's crazy to think that this might have worked on the first try -- I had been trying not to hold out hope, and not to let Callie get too excited either, but both were currently proving to be impossible as I watch the look on her face.
"I'll pick up a test as soon as we get to the hospital," I laugh softly, covering her hand with my own, "then we'll know for sure."
Callie reaches down, smoothly releasing my prosthetic and slipping it off, and I watch as she sets it aside against her nightstand. She wraps her arms around my waist and tugs me down, and I laugh again as I topple over her, catching myself with my hands on either side of her head.
"Callie!"
"Come back to bed," she tilts her face up, kissing me softly, "because now I'm definitely too excited to fall back asleep."
I kiss her again, sighing contently at the feel of her soft, warm lips against mine, and the heat of her body as our curves fit perfectly together.
"Mm, and what do you propose we do then, Mrs. Torres?"
Her hand snakes under my top, her palm warm against my skin as she trails it up my side to the swell of my breast. The contact sends a shiver down my spine and I arch into her hand a bit, my lips slowly curving into a smile as she speaks again.
"Well, Mrs. Robbins-Torres, I can think of a few things..."
*
An hour and a half later, I exit the shower on still somewhat shaky legs -- not that I'm complaining -- and quickly pull pajamas back on, leaving Callie to make us breakfast while I go wake up Sofia and start to get her ready for the day.
She's awake when I peek into her room, sitting up in bed and flipping through the new book Carlos had sent her a few days prior, and I quietly pad inside and reach around to tickle her ribs.
"Good morning, little miss!"
Her squeals of laughter immediately make me grin, and she squirms away from my hands, burrowing into the bunched up blankets on the bed.
"Mama! No tickles!"
I scoop her into my arms -- noting with a touch of sadness that she's getting a little heavy for that -- and kiss her cheeks, getting a tight hug in response before I set her down again.
"You were so quiet, I had to make sure you were awake!"
The little girl giggles again, wrapping her arms around my thighs for another hug as she looks up.
"I like Abuelo's book! I was reading."
That's a bit of a stretch, because Sofia isn't quite reading yet, but she's constantly pretending that she can, and she's come to memorize a lot of her favourite books in the last few months. She was beyond thrilled to receive a book from her grandfather the other day, and her nose had been buried in the pages ever since. I'd already read it so many times I think I have it memorized too.
"Well, how about we pick an outfit for today, and then go have breakfast? And we can read Abuelo's book again tonight."
"I want to wear purple. With the dots."
I follow her over to her dresser and pull the drawer open, finding the purple polka dot shirt and pulling out some jeans to go with it.
"No, mama -- not those pants."
She rummages a bit herself, pulling out a pair of black skinny jeans instead and holding them up. Our little fashionista.
"These. And two braids please," she motions to her hair, indicating pigtails.
"You got it, baby."
I lay out her clothes, along with some socks and underwear, and sit on the edge of her bed, motioning her over to stand between my legs. I grab her brush off the nightstand and gently start taming the mass of dark hair so I can get it braided before we go to eat.
"Mama, you know what?"
"What, sweetie?"
She remains still, well acquainted with our morning hair rituals, and I carefully start working on the first french braid.
"Zola is getting another Bailey."
It takes me a minute to clue in, and then I hold back a grin as I realize that she's talking about Meredith's pregnancy. They must have told the kids about it.
"Really? Another Bailey, huh? You mean her mommy is having another baby?"
She shrugs a little as I secure a hair band on the first braid and move to start the second.
"Yah."
"Well, that sounds like it'll be fun. What do you think?"
"Bailey takes our crayons. That's not fun."
I absolutely love the logic of four-year-olds -- everything is so simple and matter of fact, black and white.
"He just wants to play with you. The new baby will want to play someday too, once it gets here."
I finish off her second braid, securing the tie and tugging them gently to plump them up and smooth everything into place. She turns to look at me, brushing small fingers through her bangs a little, and gives me a big, innocent smile.
"No thanks. Can we get a puppy?"
*
"So, I guess Meredith told the kids about the baby the other day."
We've just dropped Sofia off at preschool, and Callie pulls onto the main road to head back toward the hospital, glancing my way with a big smile on her face -- a look that she's been giving me since the moment I woke her up this morning.
"Yeah? Well, I mean there's definitely no hiding it anymore, she's almost five months in. Hey, maybe new baby Shepherd and new baby Torres will be BFFs too just like Sofia and Zola."
I smile at that thought, but my mind is drawn back to my brief conversation with our daughter earlier.
"I asked Sof what she thought about Zola having a new baby to play with and she said, and I quote, 'no thanks.' " I pause for a second, "She asked if we could get a puppy instead."
A laugh rings out in the car -- not the reaction I was expecting -- and the brunette glances my way again.
"I mean first of all, definitely no to the puppy, not with our schedules. That's kind of adorable though."
"What if she really doesn't want a sibling?"
I look over, watching my wife's profile as she pulls into the hospital parking lot. We're lucky -- both our house and the school are a short drive to work, even with morning traffic. Which doesn't make much time for conversation, but certainly makes our lives easier.
"I don't think that's what she meant, Arizona. I mean, how would she even know?"
She parks in one of our reserved spots and turns the car off, turning to face me.
"We'll have to talk to her about it eventually, but I bet she'll love having a little sister or brother."
"I just want her to be happy," my brow furrows a little, "I feel like I owe her that, you know?"
I unbuckle my seat belt and grab my bag, and my hand is on the door when I feel a firm grip on my forearm, pulling me back.
"Arizona."
I sit back, letting out a soft sigh at her tone. I can't help it -- I do feel like I owe it to our daughter. After everything she's been through already in her short life, I want to do everything in my power to make sure she's happy and stays that way.
"Our daughter is happy," Callie slides her hand down into mine, giving it a squeeze, "have you met her? She is full of life, and laughter, and she is a happy kid. I mean yeah, the last two years were kind of confusing for her sometimes, but honestly? That's both our faults if anything."
"Mostly mine, I can admit that, Callie."
"No --"
The other woman turns more firmly in her seat to face me, and she waits until I look over to meet her eyes before she speaks again.
"You have got to stop feeling like everything was your fault. I thought we were long past that. I thought we were both over feeling guilty."
"I am...I'm over feeling guilty about us," I let out a sigh, "it's just Sofia though. I just keep thinking about how she spent some of her formative years in this unstable environment that we created...I mean those early years are so important...it just wasn't supposed to be that way, not for her. I promised that to myself from the minute I became her mother. I just worry now, you know?"
A small smile forms on Callie's face, and she reaches up to tilt my chin towards her again, forcing me to meet her eyes.
"There has not been a minute -- not a minute -- in the past four years that you weren't an amazing mom, Arizona. Maybe it didn't always feel that way, but you were. You have nothing to make up for, do you hear me?"
Her voice is soft and earnest, and she traces her thumb lightly along my jaw as she watches me. I think, just maybe, she's actually making me believe it.
"Do you remember after the shooting, when you told me that you weren't cut out to be a mom, but you wanted kids with me anyway?"
I nod, smiling a little as I remember that moment.
"I remember."
"Well you were wrong, you know," her smile grows as she drops her hand, "because I don't think I've ever met someone who was more cut out to be a mom."
I don't know if it's a combination of the hormone treatments, or the possible pregnancy hormones, or just the look in her eyes as she gazes at me then, but I feel tears start to form and I reach up to quickly wipe them away. A weight that I didn't even realize I'd been carrying around leaves my chest, and I laugh softly, smiling at the amazing woman across from me.
"I just love her so much."
She grins then, wiping her thumb along the corner of my eye to collect a tear.
"I know; I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. So stop worrying that you screwed things up for her, okay? You've done a damn good job so far. We both have."
I lean over the centre console, kissing her softly before I pull back.
"Thank you. I think I needed to hear that."
She smiles, squeezing my arm again before she sits back and grabs her own bag from the floor.
"I'll never let you forget it."
*
Callie
I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a little extra bounce in my step today as I round on my patients, my thoughts drifting back to Arizona and the fact that she might actually be pregnant right now.
My wife could be pregnant.
Grinning to myself, I make a note on the tablet in my hands. I wonder if she’s had time to snag a test yet from the supply closet in ob-gyn.
“You’re in a good mood today. Is there some awesome surgery I don’t know about yet?”
Edwards grabs the next chart in our pile and offers it up, following with her pack of new interns as we head down to our last patient of the morning. She’d been vying to get on my service more and more over the last few months, and I have to admit the younger doctor had been growing on me - as had the idea that I might finally have a protégé interested in ortho.
“Are you saying I’m not normally in a good mood, Edwards?”
“No! I mean no,” she lowers her voice a bit, “of course not, Dr. Torres. But you seem...extra chipper. I mean I had double the coffee you did and I still don’t have your perk.”
“It’s been a good morning, what can I say.”
I hand the chart back to her and tap a few things on the tablet again, checking the status of my scheduled surgeries for the week. I have no emergency surgeries on the roster, but I definitely have a few good ones I could tempt her with.
“Although...” I glance up, smirking a bit, “now that you mention it, I do have a direct anterior hip replacement this afternoon. On a twenty-five year old.”
The other woman looks up, immediately interested as soon as the words leave my mouth.
“On a twenty-five year old?”
“He had a childhood injury - fall off a horse - that never healed right and has been giving him problems and chronic pain ever since. I’m going to eliminate that pain and have him out of here within the week. Minimally invasive, two small incisions,” I hold my arm out to draw two small lines, demonstrating, “have you ever seen that technique used?”
“I’ve only ever seen a hip replacement done with the full incision, through the full gluteus muscles.”
She looks intrigued, a fact I secretly delight in.
“Yeah, my way is way better. Cuts down on recovery time by half, and easily has the patient up and walking in a third of the time, which is huge for someone in their twenties especially. I’m one of only a few surgeons in the country who’re willing to do it.”
“I didn’t even know hip surgery could be minimally invasive. How do you even get in there without cutting the entire thing open to get to the joint?”
“I still cut through the muscle, but the cuts are much, much smaller. It’s about knowing exactly where you need to get in, so you can manoeuver the new joint into place without needing to see the entire structure. Cause the replacement joint itself isn’t that big.”
“I’ve never seen one up close,” she muses, eyes alight with her ever-present curiosity, “I’d be really interested in watching...”
Unlike a few residents I’ve worked with before, Edwards’ interest in the speciality seems genuine. I know from the rumour mill that the young doctor has struggled with finding her niche in the last year, and I also know that she’s been good - great - at nearly everything she’s tried. Amelia had nothing but praises for the work she did on Nicole Herman’s case, and that was an extraordinary surgery.
“You want to scrub in?”
“Um, yes!”
She grabs the tablet and taps a few times, immediately adding her name to the schedule with mine.
“Awesome. Thanks, Dr. Torres.”
Smiling, I take the gadget back from the resident and glance at my watch.
“You should go read up on the procedure if you have some time. There’s a couple great journals from the Cleveland Clinic.”
“Absolutely, I will.”
“....after you go change the cast dressing in room 1215.”
I mean I like her, but she’s still my resident. She gets to do the smelly, sweaty cast changes while I go look for my hot, hot-shot surgeon wife and find out if I’m going to be a mom again.
“You got it.”
*
I knew Arizona had been in surgery with Alex this morning, and possibly still was, so I wasn’t surprised to see that I hadn’t received a text from her since we’d parted ways in the locker room. I head up in the elevator to the Peds floor to see if anyone has any updates, but when the door opens I’m surprised to see Alex standing in front of me - sandwich in hand as he reads over a chart.
“Alex, hey. I didn’t think you guys would be out of surgery yet.”
The younger man looks up as I step off the elevator, nodding in acknowledgement as he swallows his bite of lunch.
“Torres, hey. Yeah we finished like an hour ago. It was easy in, easy out, lucky kid.”
“Have you seen Arizona?”
He motions with his thumb over his shoulder, pointing vaguely down the hall.
“She had a couple patients to check on, and then she said she was taking a break. On-call room, probably. Or her office. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
He eyes me with what can almost be described as a challenging look - his latent protective streak for the blonde never far from the surface - and raises an eyebrow questioningly.
“No, we didn’t have a fight,” I retort, “why?”
“I dunno,” his face relaxes again, and he shrugs a shoulder, “she was a little snippy when we first started.”
“She’s probably just tired. I’m gonna go see if I can find her.”
Alex gives me a nod and hits the button for the elevator again, now that I’ve made him miss it, and I head down the hall towards the other woman’s office, smiling at a few of the nurses I recognize as I pass. I know if she was taking a break after surgery, chances are she went to her office first. One of the perks of her becoming head of maternal-fetal medicine had been a major upgrade in office space, and she was now at the far end of the fifth floor near the NICU and the nursery. Herman had argued with the chief that it was unreasonable to have expectant mothers come see their doctor in the children’s wing - to have them walk through beds of sick children when the fate of their unborn child was at stake - and so Arizona had gotten a nice corner space that now included a view of the courtyard, and her very own couch.
A nice couch, if I do say so myself. Nice for several reasons.
I knock lightly at the door before trying the handle, and I open it slowly, peeking around into the room. Sure enough, I spot the blonde resting on the couch, one leg tucked under her and some paperwork scattered on the seat beside her, a journal open in her lap as she chews thoughtfully on a pencil.
“Hey,” I smile, stepping into the room and shutting the door again behind me, “Alex said I might find you here.”
She glances up, a small smile grazing her features, and I can’t miss the way her eyes light up a little when she sees me. It’s subtle, but it’s always there - it always was, in hindsight, even during our worst times, but now I adore it so much more. I appreciate it so much more - I appreciate her.
“I just wanted to see you - I know you’ve had a busy morning, and my afternoon is full so we probably won’t cross paths until it’s time to go home,” I cross over to the couch, dropping onto it beside her and pressing a kiss to her cheek before flashing her a grin, “If you need to get work done, I’ll just hover. But did you have a chance to...”
“Callie."
Her voice is soft as she interrupts me, and suddenly I can see the slight shimmer of disappointment colouring her gaze.
"We're not pregnant."
I try to keep the disappointment from my own face, but I know it shows -- or at the very least, I know she can see it, because she can always see what I'm feeling, even if I'm trying to hide it.
"Are you...sure?"
She nods once, brushing back some hair that's fallen out of her ponytail.
"Yeah. I took three tests, all negative. And then after surgery...well," she half shrugs a shoulder, "not late anymore. So that confirmed it."
A beat of silence passes between us, and I shift on the couch, wrapping my arm around her smaller shoulders. She immediately leans into me, a soft sigh escaping her lips.
"I shouldn't have even mentioned it this morning and gotten you excited."
"Hey," I drop a kiss on her forehead as she rests her head on my shoulder, "you were obviously excited this morning. I'm glad you told me."
And it's true -- I am glad she told me, even if it means that now I'm a little disappointed. Because she's disappointed too, and that's not something she should have to feel alone.
"I didn't want to see you disappointed though. I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up throughout this whole process...and I didn't want you to either. We knew it probably wouldn't happen right away."
She's trying to be logical and detach herself, I know she is. She's got her doctor voice on and she straightens up again, shifting out of my arm. Her eyes tell a different story though, and so I tighten my hold around her, gently pressing my palm to the side of her head to guide her back against me.
"Arizona...you're allowed to be hopeful."
Her eyes flicker up to my face, and I can't help bringing my other hand up to gently cup her cheek.
"I've had my hopes up from the minute we started. And I will, every month until it happens. That's..." I search for words, letting out a soft sigh myself, "that's just part of it."
Blue eyes tear away from mine, and she picks up my hand and plays absently with my fingers for a minute before she speaks.
“It feels silly to be this disappointed right off the bat. I mean, I’m a doctor.”
“Doctors are allowed to feel disappointed too, sweetie. Even world-class, kickass baby doctors.”
She laughs softly, leaning up to look at me again.
“Now you’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“I’m not! Have you googled yourself lately?”
A blonde eyebrow rises slightly, and I feel a sheepish look creep onto my face as I realize what I just implied.
“…no. Have you?”
“I was curious. I heard Dr. Gillis say something the other day and I was bored so I decided to take a look. There are articles calling you the next Addison Montgomery. One even called you the ‘extraordinary successor’ to Nicole Herman, who’s ‘predicted to be a game-changer’ in the field of fetal surgery. So yeah,” I grin proudly at her, “my wife is a world-class, kickass surgeon. I mean, I already knew that, but..."
A faint blush colours her cheeks, but she wears a look of pride at my words. Her eyes are still tinged with the slightest bit of sadness, but I know that we're both going to be just fine.
“And this is going to happen for us, Arizona.”
I take her hand again, threading our fingers together as she looks up to meet my eyes.
“In a few weeks, we’ll try again. It’ll be…what? December third or fourth. That’s not too long.”
She squeezes my hand, curling her fingers around mine, and gives me a smile.
“Not too long, no.”
“Hey, and maybe…” I lift our hands and kiss her knuckles softly, “you’ll be pregnant for Christmas. That would be the best gift ever."
“Family dinner tonight?" she asks after a short pause, "I should be done on time. I'll pick up Sofia at daycare.”
The blonde gives me a genuine smile, her eyes sparkling at me again, and a familiar, warm feeling of happiness spreads through my body. As long as I have her, as long as we're a family, everything will be alright.
“I should be too,” I reply, leaning in to kiss her, “it’s a date.”
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. And sometimes we realize that certain things are worth fighting for. Starts a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon. Reunion fic.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Three weeks later
"Callie."
I nudge the sleeping woman's shoulder, tugging the blankets down a bit from where they're bunched against her face. It's a good hour and a half earlier than we normally need to be up, but I'm awake and I'm restless, craving my wife's company.
"Callie, are you awake?"
A barely audible groan sounds from under her curtain of dark hair and she rolls over slowly, blinking up at me.
"I am now. What time is it?"
The room is still dark in the early morning light, with only the light from my bedside lamp illuminating the space, and she looks over at the faint glow of the alarm clock with sleepy eyes.
"It's five," I perch on the edge of the mattress beside her hips, "I thought I heard Sofia, so I got up, but she's still fast asleep and now I'm wide awake."
"I love you, I do, but if you were going to wake me up at least it could have been in a sexy way."
I watch as she stretches her arms above her head, yawning and letting out a heavy sigh. I wasn't going to say anything, not until I had a little more confirmation, but I suddenly can't help the words that tumble out of my mouth.
"I'm late."
Callie's eyes blink up at me again, immediately looking more awake -- the surprise evident in them even in the low glow of the lamp.
"Late, late?"
I smile a little, trailing my hand over her blanket-covered thigh and absently rubbing small circles against her hip.
"Only two days. I don't feel any different though...I don't have any of the other signs. So I'm not sure."
The brunette sits up, a grin tugging at her lips as her eyes flit downward to my stomach for a moment.
"I had zero signs until I realized my period was like a week and a half late. So that doesn't mean anything."
She laughs softly, her hand sliding over to rest delicately on my abdomen.
"Oh my god, Arizona. You could be pregnant right now."
The instant delight in her voice is evident, and I can't help but let my grin match her own. It's crazy to think that this might have worked on the first try -- I had been trying not to hold out hope, and not to let Callie get too excited either, but both were currently proving to be impossible as I watch the look on her face.
"I'll pick up a test as soon as we get to the hospital," I laugh softly, covering her hand with my own, "then we'll know for sure."
Callie reaches down, smoothly releasing my prosthetic and slipping it off, and I watch as she sets it aside against her nightstand. She wraps her arms around my waist and tugs me down, and I laugh again as I topple over her, catching myself with my hands on either side of her head.
"Callie!"
"Come back to bed," she tilts her face up, kissing me softly, "because now I'm definitely too excited to fall back asleep."
I kiss her again, sighing contently at the feel of her soft, warm lips against mine, and the heat of her body as our curves fit perfectly together.
"Mm, and what do you propose we do then, Mrs. Torres?"
Her hand snakes under my top, her palm warm against my skin as she trails it up my side to the swell of my breast. The contact sends a shiver down my spine and I arch into her hand a bit, my lips slowly curving into a smile as she speaks again.
"Well, Mrs. Robbins-Torres, I can think of a few things..."
*
An hour and a half later, I exit the shower on still somewhat shaky legs -- not that I'm complaining -- and quickly pull pajamas back on, leaving Callie to make us breakfast while I go wake up Sofia and start to get her ready for the day.
She's awake when I peek into her room, sitting up in bed and flipping through the new book Carlos had sent her a few days prior, and I quietly pad inside and reach around to tickle her ribs.
"Good morning, little miss!"
Her squeals of laughter immediately make me grin, and she squirms away from my hands, burrowing into the bunched up blankets on the bed.
"Mama! No tickles!"
I scoop her into my arms -- noting with a touch of sadness that she's getting a little heavy for that -- and kiss her cheeks, getting a tight hug in response before I set her down again.
"You were so quiet, I had to make sure you were awake!"
The little girl giggles again, wrapping her arms around my thighs for another hug as she looks up.
"I like Abuelo's book! I was reading."
That's a bit of a stretch, because Sofia isn't quite reading yet, but she's constantly pretending that she can, and she's come to memorize a lot of her favourite books in the last few months. She was beyond thrilled to receive a book from her grandfather the other day, and her nose had been buried in the pages ever since. I'd already read it so many times I think I have it memorized too.
"Well, how about we pick an outfit for today, and then go have breakfast? And we can read Abuelo's book again tonight."
"I want to wear purple. With the dots."
I follow her over to her dresser and pull the drawer open, finding the purple polka dot shirt and pulling out some jeans to go with it.
"No, mama -- not those pants."
She rummages a bit herself, pulling out a pair of black skinny jeans instead and holding them up. Our little fashionista.
"These. And two braids please," she motions to her hair, indicating pigtails.
"You got it, baby."
I lay out her clothes, along with some socks and underwear, and sit on the edge of her bed, motioning her over to stand between my legs. I grab her brush off the nightstand and gently start taming the mass of dark hair so I can get it braided before we go to eat.
"Mama, you know what?"
"What, sweetie?"
She remains still, well acquainted with our morning hair rituals, and I carefully start working on the first french braid.
"Zola is getting another Bailey."
It takes me a minute to clue in, and then I hold back a grin as I realize that she's talking about Meredith's pregnancy. They must have told the kids about it.
"Really? Another Bailey, huh? You mean her mommy is having another baby?"
She shrugs a little as I secure a hair band on the first braid and move to start the second.
"Yah."
"Well, that sounds like it'll be fun. What do you think?"
"Bailey takes our crayons. That's not fun."
I absolutely love the logic of four-year-olds -- everything is so simple and matter of fact, black and white.
"He just wants to play with you. The new baby will want to play someday too, once it gets here."
I finish off her second braid, securing the tie and tugging them gently to plump them up and smooth everything into place. She turns to look at me, brushing small fingers through her bangs a little, and gives me a big, innocent smile.
"No thanks. Can we get a puppy?"
*
"So, I guess Meredith told the kids about the baby the other day."
We've just dropped Sofia off at preschool, and Callie pulls onto the main road to head back toward the hospital, glancing my way with a big smile on her face -- a look that she's been giving me since the moment I woke her up this morning.
"Yeah? Well, I mean there's definitely no hiding it anymore, she's almost five months in. Hey, maybe new baby Shepherd and new baby Torres will be BFFs too just like Sofia and Zola."
I smile at that thought, but my mind is drawn back to my brief conversation with our daughter earlier.
"I asked Sof what she thought about Zola having a new baby to play with and she said, and I quote, 'no thanks.' " I pause for a second, "She asked if we could get a puppy instead."
A laugh rings out in the car -- not the reaction I was expecting -- and the brunette glances my way again.
"I mean first of all, definitely no to the puppy, not with our schedules. That's kind of adorable though."
"What if she really doesn't want a sibling?"
I look over, watching my wife's profile as she pulls into the hospital parking lot. We're lucky -- both our house and the school are a short drive to work, even with morning traffic. Which doesn't make much time for conversation, but certainly makes our lives easier.
"I don't think that's what she meant, Arizona. I mean, how would she even know?"
She parks in one of our reserved spots and turns the car off, turning to face me.
"We'll have to talk to her about it eventually, but I bet she'll love having a little sister or brother."
"I just want her to be happy," my brow furrows a little, "I feel like I owe her that, you know?"
I unbuckle my seat belt and grab my bag, and my hand is on the door when I feel a firm grip on my forearm, pulling me back.
"Arizona."
I sit back, letting out a soft sigh at her tone. I can't help it -- I do feel like I owe it to our daughter. After everything she's been through already in her short life, I want to do everything in my power to make sure she's happy and stays that way.
"Our daughter is happy," Callie slides her hand down into mine, giving it a squeeze, "have you met her? She is full of life, and laughter, and she is a happy kid. I mean yeah, the last two years were kind of confusing for her sometimes, but honestly? That's both our faults if anything."
"Mostly mine, I can admit that, Callie."
"No --"
The other woman turns more firmly in her seat to face me, and she waits until I look over to meet her eyes before she speaks again.
"You have got to stop feeling like everything was your fault. I thought we were long past that. I thought we were both over feeling guilty."
"I am...I'm over feeling guilty about us," I let out a sigh, "it's just Sofia though. I just keep thinking about how she spent some of her formative years in this unstable environment that we created...I mean those early years are so important...it just wasn't supposed to be that way, not for her. I promised that to myself from the minute I became her mother. I just worry now, you know?"
A small smile forms on Callie's face, and she reaches up to tilt my chin towards her again, forcing me to meet her eyes.
"There has not been a minute -- not a minute -- in the past four years that you weren't an amazing mom, Arizona. Maybe it didn't always feel that way, but you were. You have nothing to make up for, do you hear me?"
Her voice is soft and earnest, and she traces her thumb lightly along my jaw as she watches me. I think, just maybe, she's actually making me believe it.
"Do you remember after the shooting, when you told me that you weren't cut out to be a mom, but you wanted kids with me anyway?"
I nod, smiling a little as I remember that moment.
"I remember."
"Well you were wrong, you know," her smile grows as she drops her hand, "because I don't think I've ever met someone who was more cut out to be a mom."
I don't know if it's a combination of the hormone treatments, or the possible pregnancy hormones, or just the look in her eyes as she gazes at me then, but I feel tears start to form and I reach up to quickly wipe them away. A weight that I didn't even realize I'd been carrying around leaves my chest, and I laugh softly, smiling at the amazing woman across from me.
"I just love her so much."
She grins then, wiping her thumb along the corner of my eye to collect a tear.
"I know; I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. So stop worrying that you screwed things up for her, okay? You've done a damn good job so far. We both have."
I lean over the centre console, kissing her softly before I pull back.
"Thank you. I think I needed to hear that."
She smiles, squeezing my arm again before she sits back and grabs her own bag from the floor.
"I'll never let you forget it."
*
Callie
I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a little extra bounce in my step today as I round on my patients, my thoughts drifting back to Arizona and the fact that she might actually be pregnant right now.
My wife could be pregnant.
Grinning to myself, I make a note on the tablet in my hands. I wonder if she’s had time to snag a test yet from the supply closet in ob-gyn.
“You’re in a good mood today. Is there some awesome surgery I don’t know about yet?”
Edwards grabs the next chart in our pile and offers it up, following with her pack of new interns as we head down to our last patient of the morning. She’d been vying to get on my service more and more over the last few months, and I have to admit the younger doctor had been growing on me - as had the idea that I might finally have a protégé interested in ortho.
“Are you saying I’m not normally in a good mood, Edwards?”
“No! I mean no,” she lowers her voice a bit, “of course not, Dr. Torres. But you seem...extra chipper. I mean I had double the coffee you did and I still don’t have your perk.”
“It’s been a good morning, what can I say.”
I hand the chart back to her and tap a few things on the tablet again, checking the status of my scheduled surgeries for the week. I have no emergency surgeries on the roster, but I definitely have a few good ones I could tempt her with.
“Although...” I glance up, smirking a bit, “now that you mention it, I do have a direct anterior hip replacement this afternoon. On a twenty-five year old.”
The other woman looks up, immediately interested as soon as the words leave my mouth.
“On a twenty-five year old?”
“He had a childhood injury - fall off a horse - that never healed right and has been giving him problems and chronic pain ever since. I’m going to eliminate that pain and have him out of here within the week. Minimally invasive, two small incisions,” I hold my arm out to draw two small lines, demonstrating, “have you ever seen that technique used?”
“I’ve only ever seen a hip replacement done with the full incision, through the full gluteus muscles.”
She looks intrigued, a fact I secretly delight in.
“Yeah, my way is way better. Cuts down on recovery time by half, and easily has the patient up and walking in a third of the time, which is huge for someone in their twenties especially. I’m one of only a few surgeons in the country who’re willing to do it.”
“I didn’t even know hip surgery could be minimally invasive. How do you even get in there without cutting the entire thing open to get to the joint?”
“I still cut through the muscle, but the cuts are much, much smaller. It’s about knowing exactly where you need to get in, so you can manoeuver the new joint into place without needing to see the entire structure. Cause the replacement joint itself isn’t that big.”
“I’ve never seen one up close,” she muses, eyes alight with her ever-present curiosity, “I’d be really interested in watching...”
Unlike a few residents I’ve worked with before, Edwards’ interest in the speciality seems genuine. I know from the rumour mill that the young doctor has struggled with finding her niche in the last year, and I also know that she’s been good - great - at nearly everything she’s tried. Amelia had nothing but praises for the work she did on Nicole Herman’s case, and that was an extraordinary surgery.
“You want to scrub in?”
“Um, yes!”
She grabs the tablet and taps a few times, immediately adding her name to the schedule with mine.
“Awesome. Thanks, Dr. Torres.”
Smiling, I take the gadget back from the resident and glance at my watch.
“You should go read up on the procedure if you have some time. There’s a couple great journals from the Cleveland Clinic.”
“Absolutely, I will.”
“....after you go change the cast dressing in room 1215.”
I mean I like her, but she’s still my resident. She gets to do the smelly, sweaty cast changes while I go look for my hot, hot-shot surgeon wife and find out if I’m going to be a mom again.
“You got it.”
*
I knew Arizona had been in surgery with Alex this morning, and possibly still was, so I wasn’t surprised to see that I hadn’t received a text from her since we’d parted ways in the locker room. I head up in the elevator to the Peds floor to see if anyone has any updates, but when the door opens I’m surprised to see Alex standing in front of me - sandwich in hand as he reads over a chart.
“Alex, hey. I didn’t think you guys would be out of surgery yet.”
The younger man looks up as I step off the elevator, nodding in acknowledgement as he swallows his bite of lunch.
“Torres, hey. Yeah we finished like an hour ago. It was easy in, easy out, lucky kid.”
“Have you seen Arizona?”
He motions with his thumb over his shoulder, pointing vaguely down the hall.
“She had a couple patients to check on, and then she said she was taking a break. On-call room, probably. Or her office. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
He eyes me with what can almost be described as a challenging look - his latent protective streak for the blonde never far from the surface - and raises an eyebrow questioningly.
“No, we didn’t have a fight,” I retort, “why?”
“I dunno,” his face relaxes again, and he shrugs a shoulder, “she was a little snippy when we first started.”
“She’s probably just tired. I’m gonna go see if I can find her.”
Alex gives me a nod and hits the button for the elevator again, now that I’ve made him miss it, and I head down the hall towards the other woman’s office, smiling at a few of the nurses I recognize as I pass. I know if she was taking a break after surgery, chances are she went to her office first. One of the perks of her becoming head of maternal-fetal medicine had been a major upgrade in office space, and she was now at the far end of the fifth floor near the NICU and the nursery. Herman had argued with the chief that it was unreasonable to have expectant mothers come see their doctor in the children’s wing - to have them walk through beds of sick children when the fate of their unborn child was at stake - and so Arizona had gotten a nice corner space that now included a view of the courtyard, and her very own couch.
A nice couch, if I do say so myself. Nice for several reasons.
I knock lightly at the door before trying the handle, and I open it slowly, peeking around into the room. Sure enough, I spot the blonde resting on the couch, one leg tucked under her and some paperwork scattered on the seat beside her, a journal open in her lap as she chews thoughtfully on a pencil.
“Hey,” I smile, stepping into the room and shutting the door again behind me, “Alex said I might find you here.”
She glances up, a small smile grazing her features, and I can’t miss the way her eyes light up a little when she sees me. It’s subtle, but it’s always there - it always was, in hindsight, even during our worst times, but now I adore it so much more. I appreciate it so much more - I appreciate her.
“I just wanted to see you - I know you’ve had a busy morning, and my afternoon is full so we probably won’t cross paths until it’s time to go home,” I cross over to the couch, dropping onto it beside her and pressing a kiss to her cheek before flashing her a grin, “If you need to get work done, I’ll just hover. But did you have a chance to...”
“Callie."
Her voice is soft as she interrupts me, and suddenly I can see the slight shimmer of disappointment colouring her gaze.
"We're not pregnant."
I try to keep the disappointment from my own face, but I know it shows -- or at the very least, I know she can see it, because she can always see what I'm feeling, even if I'm trying to hide it.
"Are you...sure?"
She nods once, brushing back some hair that's fallen out of her ponytail.
"Yeah. I took three tests, all negative. And then after surgery...well," she half shrugs a shoulder, "not late anymore. So that confirmed it."
A beat of silence passes between us, and I shift on the couch, wrapping my arm around her smaller shoulders. She immediately leans into me, a soft sigh escaping her lips.
"I shouldn't have even mentioned it this morning and gotten you excited."
"Hey," I drop a kiss on her forehead as she rests her head on my shoulder, "you were obviously excited this morning. I'm glad you told me."
And it's true -- I am glad she told me, even if it means that now I'm a little disappointed. Because she's disappointed too, and that's not something she should have to feel alone.
"I didn't want to see you disappointed though. I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up throughout this whole process...and I didn't want you to either. We knew it probably wouldn't happen right away."
She's trying to be logical and detach herself, I know she is. She's got her doctor voice on and she straightens up again, shifting out of my arm. Her eyes tell a different story though, and so I tighten my hold around her, gently pressing my palm to the side of her head to guide her back against me.
"Arizona...you're allowed to be hopeful."
Her eyes flicker up to my face, and I can't help bringing my other hand up to gently cup her cheek.
"I've had my hopes up from the minute we started. And I will, every month until it happens. That's..." I search for words, letting out a soft sigh myself, "that's just part of it."
Blue eyes tear away from mine, and she picks up my hand and plays absently with my fingers for a minute before she speaks.
“It feels silly to be this disappointed right off the bat. I mean, I’m a doctor.”
“Doctors are allowed to feel disappointed too, sweetie. Even world-class, kickass baby doctors.”
She laughs softly, leaning up to look at me again.
“Now you’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“I’m not! Have you googled yourself lately?”
A blonde eyebrow rises slightly, and I feel a sheepish look creep onto my face as I realize what I just implied.
“…no. Have you?”
“I was curious. I heard Dr. Gillis say something the other day and I was bored so I decided to take a look. There are articles calling you the next Addison Montgomery. One even called you the ‘extraordinary successor’ to Nicole Herman, who’s ‘predicted to be a game-changer’ in the field of fetal surgery. So yeah,” I grin proudly at her, “my wife is a world-class, kickass surgeon. I mean, I already knew that, but..."
A faint blush colours her cheeks, but she wears a look of pride at my words. Her eyes are still tinged with the slightest bit of sadness, but I know that we're both going to be just fine.
“And this is going to happen for us, Arizona.”
I take her hand again, threading our fingers together as she looks up to meet my eyes.
“In a few weeks, we’ll try again. It’ll be…what? December third or fourth. That’s not too long.”
She squeezes my hand, curling her fingers around mine, and gives me a smile.
“Not too long, no.”
“Hey, and maybe…” I lift our hands and kiss her knuckles softly, “you’ll be pregnant for Christmas. That would be the best gift ever."
“Family dinner tonight?" she asks after a short pause, "I should be done on time. I'll pick up Sofia at daycare.”
The blonde gives me a genuine smile, her eyes sparkling at me again, and a familiar, warm feeling of happiness spreads through my body. As long as I have her, as long as we're a family, everything will be alright.
“I should be too,” I reply, leaning in to kiss her, “it’s a date.”