Fic: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 18/?
Title: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 18/?
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. And sometimes we realize that certain things are worth fighting for. Starts a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: I know I've gone longer than usual without updating this, so I want to say thank you for hanging in there! Life has been kicking my ass lately; in the span of the last ten days work has been insane, I was sick, and I was travelling...so while the majority of this and the next chapter was written on my phone while on an airplane, I haven't gotten a chance to edit it and post until tonight. I hope it's worth the wait! And the next chapter...“Friday”...will be posted tomorrow or the day after. :) Thanks again for reading!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Arizona
“Karev!”
I spot the younger doctor over behind the desk in the emergency department, and I weave my way around a couple interns in the mostly-quiet room to make my way over. He’s engrossed typing something on one of the tablets, and he glances up as I approach with a nod of acknowledgement.
“Robbins, hey. You need something? How’s that preemie doing from this morning? Baby Olivia?"
I smile, leaning on the counter opposite him, my fingers drumming lightly against the surface in a slightly distracted manner. I love that after all these years, Alex has become the doctor I always dreamed he would be -- that I knew he could be. His first thoughts are always for the tiny humans in our care, even if they're not his patients.
“Good, actually, I was just up there. She’s a little fighter. I just wanted to ask you something though.”
Tapping a few more buttons, he slides the tablet back into the charging pod and looks at me expectantly.
“Ok?”
“Are you busy Friday night?”
His answer comes without hesitation and really, I'm not even surprised.
“That depends. Are you looking for free babysitting again?”
I grin widely at the sceptical look he’s giving me and reach over to jab him in the arm.
“No. Callie and I are getting married on Friday. We’re having a little thing at Joe’s afterward, and we want you to come."
The young man’s eyes widen noticeably, and he lets out a half laugh of surprise.
“You serious? You’re pulling some kind of shotgun wedding?”
“Well...” I muse over his question deliberately, “not really, because no one’s pregnant, we're not eighteen, and you know, we actually want to marry each other. We just didn’t see the point in putting it off any longer. So, we decided to do the courthouse Friday afternoon, and a party Friday night. We’re keeping it simple this time.”
“Yeah, you know, between you and me? The big white weddings don't exactly have the best track record, do they."
He comes around the desk, chuckling to himself, and I give him a solid thump on the arm this time. He scowls at me, rubbing the spot, and gives me an incredulous look.
“What! I mean come on, it's true.”
“Just be there, okay?” I smile a little again, lowering my voice, “You’re my guy, Alex. And bring Jo, of course. And spread the word - everyone’s invited. We just want it to be a celebration."
He shakes his head and grins then - a genuine, heartfelt grin that is so reminiscent of my brother - and reaches up to squeeze my shoulder
“Of course I’ll be there. I’m not gettin' you another gift though.”
*
I invite pretty well everyone in the hospital we know throughout the morning - and some that we don't really know -- sometimes finding out that Callie has already mentioned it as well. By lunch time I know I'm walking around like a kid on a sugar high because I'm just so delighted by the fact that this is truly becoming reality.
I get to marry Callie again on Friday.
It feels like the final piece in getting my life back, in getting me back. A year ago I was in a darker place than I had ever imagined fathomable; a place where I barely knew how to get myself out of bed every day and carry on, let alone pick up the pieces of the mess my life had become. But now? Now there's light and hope in my life again, there's love, and it has me absolutely on cloud nine.
"Arizona Robbins."
I turn around from the coffee machine in the attendings' lounge at the familiar -- but startlingly stern - voice that comes up behind me.
"You're getting re-hitched on Friday and I had to hear it from Edwards?!"
Amelia plants her hands on her hips in what would be an imposing manner if it wasn't for the slight twitch of her lips giving her away. Try as she might, I know she can never stay mad at me.
"I've been looking for you all morning! I texted you!"
"You texted me that you wanted to tell me something -- next time put a little more urgency into it, woman!"
She lets her laugh bubble over and grabs the cup from my hand, setting it aside before she engulfs me in a hug. Open displays of affection are rare from the younger Shepherd, they always have been, so I squeeze her tight given the opportunity and relish the feeling.
"So you guys are taking the plunge, huh?"
She pulls back, grinning slyly at me as she tucks back some stray dark hair.
"You better make sure it sticks this time. Seeing as it'll be completely and legally binding like it is for the rest of us shlumps."
I can't help but laugh, and I almost wish I did need a bridesmaid because there is no one I would love to see take on the role more than her.
"Trust me, I plan on making sure it sticks. I'm not going to screw it up this time. And, you know, hopefully fate is done messing with us and won't throw any more catastrophic, life-changing events our way."
She steps around me and finishes filling my cup, handing it over before she fills one of her own with the lackluster caffeinated liquid.
"You'd kick its ass next time anyway. I'm happy for you. Six months ago when you told me you'd just gone on a date with your ex-wife, well...I gotta say I wasn't entirely sure how that was going to work out."
"You and me both," I stir some milk and sugar into my coffee in an attempt to make it palatable and perch on the edge of a couch cushion, "I honestly never dreamed we'd be this happy again. Not looking back to where we were a year ago, literally yelling at each other in a therapist's office."
Amelia just hums in agreement, her back still to me as she takes a drink of her coffee.
"I guess sometimes we really do need to be ripped apart at the seams."
She turns and smiles a little, shoving her free hand down into the pocket of her lab coat.
"And if we're lucky," she shrugs, "being ripped apart works. And we can claw our way back and rebuild."
An undertone of regret is suddenly evident in the other woman's voice and I glance up, sensing the feelings that are stirring up inside of her. The two of us had become close again since she'd moved to Seattle, and some things never changed -- I was still one of the few people who could read her like a book. I really regret that I hadn't been there for her over the last couple years. Part of me wonders if things would have been different if she'd still been in my life too, if I would have let her friendship help me claw my way back sooner than I did.
"You've rebuilt yourself too, Amy."
She studies her coffee unaffectedly and shrugs a shoulder again, and my tone instinctively softens.
"You might not have been able to do it with Ryan, but he'd be happy to see you now, you know."
That surprisingly does earn me a smile, and the brunette comes over to sit beside me.
"Yeah, I know. And that's something."
"It is. The people who loved us...who we loved, in any way," I hesitate briefly, a slight ache squeezing my heart, "it's okay to miss them when happy occasions come around. It's natural. But we have to remember that happiness is what they wanted for us, even if they can't be here."
Amelia looks up, a sigh leaving her lips, and she wraps her hands tightly around the coffee cup.
"But how long does it have to be before I don't miss him every time I get invited to a wedding?"
"Honestly?" I reach over and squeeze her arm affectionately, "maybe never."
"Thanks," she leans her head back to rest on the couch with a groan, "that totally helps."
I coax her hand from the cup and twine our fingers together, and I feel her grip me back after a brief moment, grounding herself in me like I have in her so many times in the past.
"I miss Mark sometimes when I see Sofia smile," I pause, shaking my head a little and smiling to myself as I think about it, "her smile -- that's all Callie -- but when she smiles really big, when she's just delighted over something, her eyes crinkle up in the corners in a way that's so Mark I can't help it, you know? I think I'll always see that."
She glances over, looking a touch surprised, and I just give her a little shrug.
"It's been...god, it's been twelve years and I still miss Tim every time something exciting or good happens, or something heartbreaking. I still miss being able to call him up and tell him about it. I miss being able to tell him about Callie, and about his beautiful, amazing little niece -- even though he never met either of them."
I look up again to find her still watching, and I hold her eyes for a minute.
"You know, I cried on our first wedding day over Tim. I broke down and cried -- on Mark's shoulder, no less -- because I missed him so damn much. I was happier than I'd probably ever been, but I still missed him."
I give her hand a little squeeze again.
"And neither of them were the love of my life, Amelia. I don't even want to imagine what that would be like. I can't."
A minute of silence hangs in the air between us, the faint shuffle of footsteps and voices out in the hall, and the hum of the coffee maker the only sounds in the otherwise empty room. The other doctor pulls her hand back, rubbing it over her face as she sits up.
"I'm still incredibly happy for you two. You know that, right? Even though my little cloud of doom," she swirls her finger above her head, "descends now and again."
Smiling, I nudge her shoulder with my own.
"I know you are."
"I just wish I could not think about him. Just say hey, this is awesome. A wedding, a happy wedding. I'll take Owen and I'll dance with Owen and he's a great guy so that'll be great. I mean for god's sake it's not like he's the first man I've dated since -- I was freaking engaged last year."
"Mm," I finish my coffee, arching my eyebrow ever so slightly, "and how'd that work out?"
The brunette shoots me a dirty look and I push myself off the couch, tossing my now-empty cup into the trash before I start to head out.
"It'll get easier, Amy, I promise. A little bit easier every time. You're allowed to be happy and still miss people."
"Ugh," she climbs up, crinkling her nose, "stop being so smart all the time, spewing your wisdom."
A laugh bubbles up from my throat and I grin at the other woman, seeing that I've pulled her somewhat out of her momentary funk. If nothing else, I feel accomplished over that.
"I can't help it. I'm right, and I'm awesome."
"Annnnd still using that line I see, ten years later."
"Hey," I turn to look back from the door, "if it's still accurate. So we'll see you at Joe's on Friday, right?"
Amelia just shakes her head, matching my grin with a slight roll of her eyes.
"Of course you will. You're retying the knot -- I'm not gonna miss this party a second time."
*
Callie
It's official; I'm an awful mother and an even more awful doctor. I rescheduled a non-emergent surgery to take my daughter out of school and go dress shopping. And I only feel a tiny bit guilty about it.
In my defence though, this is a pretty unique situation and I didn't exactly have a lot of time to plan ahead. So I work a fifteen hour shift tomorrow to make up for it -- it's worth it. I don't plan on marrying Arizona a third time, so this one has to be perfect.
Sofia and I headed straight into the heart of downtown after I picked her up at lunch time and for the last hour and a half we'd been making our way through every dress shop and boutique in the shopping district. Finding something for her had been easy enough; she'd been delighted with her third option, a rich purple satin dress with an adorable tulle skirt and a bow at the waist. I picked out a matching hair clip with a bow and she was set.
Finding something for me, however, was proving slightly more frustrating.
I had only managed to convince Arizona this morning over breakfast that we should get new clothes at all for Friday -- not that she'd been opposed to the idea, she just didn't think it was strictly necessary. I smile to myself when I picture the sparkle in her eyes that had been present since the minute we stepped out of that bathtub. She literally just didn't care what we were wearing, as long as we were getting married again. I didn't either, not really, but I still liked the idea of making it a little special so we'd agreed upon two rules. One, nothing white -- been there, done that. And two, it had to be something the other hadn't seen yet.
I figured the blonde would choose something either red or blue, so I tried to avoid those colours -- both of which were apparently very in style right now because they were literally everywhere. After the fourth store though, I settle on a simple, emerald green number -- with the approval of my tiny fashion consultant, of course. It fell just above knee-length, with a rounded neckline, cap sleeves, and a wide matching belt around the waist that accentuated the slight tufting in the skirt. It's dressy, but not too formal. Afternoon appropriate. Second wedding appropriate, I hope. I want Arizona to love it.
We pay for the dress and we're just heading back down the street to the car when I hear my phone start to ring, Arizona's ringtone catching my ear through the bustle of the busy sidewalk. I fumble it out, shifting my grasp on the bags and Sofia's hand, hoping not to give away my location as I answer.
"Hey sweetie! I thought you were in surgery all afternoon, everything ok?"
"Callie, hi! Oh yeah, everything's fine."
Her familiar voice comes over the line as we weave carefully down the sidewalk, and although she says she's fine there's something in her tone betraying her.
"Surgery got pushed til tomorrow. I need a few more tests before I go in, and the mom was a little overstressed. Where are you? I saw yours was erased off the board."
"Uh, yeah! Yeah, no mine ended up getting pushed too. Something about a conflict with the OR? And it's non-emergent, it's a hip replacement. I, uh, just ran out to...mail something."
The mailbox by the car had caught my attention and become the first thing out of my mouth, but I groan inwardly. Mail something? What the hell would I be mailing? The other woman doesn't seem to think much of it though, because she doesn't question me further and seems to just accept that answer.
"Do you have some free time then? Can you come pick me up? There's something I'd...there's just something I'd like to do before it's time to pick up Sof. And since we drove in together today..."
I glance down at the little girl impatiently looking up at me and mentally calculate whether or not I can sneak her into the hospital and upstairs to daycare without running into her mama.
"Of course. I'm just heading back now...um...meet me out front? Are you sure everything's ok?"
"Positive. I'll meet you there in a few. Love you."
I hear the click of her ending the call and I shove the phone in my pocket, hastily grabbing my keys and getting the car open to help Sofia inside.
I know something is up with Arizona, I just don't know what. And I don't know if I should be worried or not.
*
I park just out of sight of the front doors to the hospital and after stashing our shopping bags in the trunk under the emergency blanket I hustle Sofia in through the staff door around the side of the building. I'd sent a quick text to Amelia on our way and the neurosurgeon meets us with an amused smirk to smuggle the girl up to daycare, promising not to breathe a word to Arizona and come up with a cover story later about how I'd asked her to pick up the child from school.
Satisfied that our little afternoon excursion will remain a secret, I make my way around to the front doors and immediately spot the beautiful blonde waiting for me.
"Hey," I smile, sidling up behind the bench where she sits and leaning in to kiss her cheek, "chauffeur is here."
She looks up, flashing me a smile, and takes my offered hand as she gets up. We turn to head across the parking lot, and I can't help but be a little bit curious at her silent greeting. I wait for her to say something, but as we approach the vehicle I decide to just ask.
"So where are we going?"
I watch the blonde pause slightly with her hand on the car door, but then she looks over and meets my eyes.
"I want to go to Beechwood to visit Mark."
And that...is not what I expected. At all.
"Oh...okay."
We settle into the car in silence again and I pull out of the lot, heading in the direction of the large cemetery on the east end of the city. I've never once heard Arizona talk about wanting to go visit Mark's grave -- truthfully, I don't even know if she's ever been there over the last couple years. I don't visit very often myself anymore, but I try to bring Sofia a few times a year and it's only ever been the two of us.
"I know I've never gone with you and Sofia before," Arizona reaches over and rests her hand along my thigh, "I didn't really know how to ask, you know? I didn't know if it was entirely my place."
I nod, glancing over at her quickly as she speaks.
"I can understand that. It is, though. You could have come with us, you were family to him too."
"I haven't been in almost a year and I just...I don't know. We're getting married again. He would be happy about that, and I want to let him know."
I focus on the drive again, sighing softly to myself. He would be happy. He'd be happy I was finally getting my life together again, and had finally made the right choice when it came to her. They might not have always gotten along, but Mark had loved Arizona, and he had known I loved her - even when I wasn't sure of it myself.
He would be happy for us.
*
Beechwood Cemetery is one of Seattle's larger ones, and as we pull into the winding drive the trees and gardens immediately seem to silence off the background noise from the city. I find parking, and pause as I watch Arizona start to leave the car.
"Do you want me to wait here, or...?"
"No," she looks back, catching my eye, "of course not. Come with."
I climb out and lock up, taking her outstretched hand and linking our fingers together as she leads the way into the expansive cemetery, seemingly familiar with the path that heads toward the section Mark is buried in. I sigh softly, letting our hands hang comfortably between us. I can come here without crying now, without being upset, but I'll always feel a sense of heartache for the best friend I lost.
"Truthfully, I didn't know you'd ever been here."
I speak quietly as we walk along the well-manicured path, remembering how she had refused to even come to the funeral, and I feel an almost imperceptible tightening of her hand around mine.
"It took me a long time. But I..." she looks over, the smallest smile crossing her lips as she shakes her head, "he was Sofia's father, Callie. And he was...despite our differences, he was my friend. He was a good friend, even if we butted heads at every corner."
I smile a little at the honesty in her voice, and we continue walking quietly, turning off the path after awhile to cross the grass in a newer portion of the cemetery. As we approach his simple, dark grey stone, I let go of the blonde's hand and let her go ahead a bit. She's the one who'd wanted to visit, after all, so I want to give her a little bit of space.
I'm only a few feet behind her though, and I watch as she smoothes her hand over the top of the stone. I don't mean to necessarily eavesdrop, but her quiet voice reaches my ears after a minute and I can't help but listen as she starts to speak.
"Hey, Mark. Bet you thought I'd forgotten about you."
The blonde crouches a bit and pulls a few errant dandelions growing around the base of the stone, neatening the grass as best she can.
"I have good news this time, though. I know last time I...I'd broken my promise, about taking care of our girls. I'd failed Sofia, and Callie, and I honestly never thought things were going to turn around, Mark, but they have."
She pauses briefly, and when she speaks again I can hear the smile in her voice, even though it's still barely above a whisper.
"Callie and I are getting married on Friday. She wants to marry me again, and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world."
Her voice has a tone of reverence to it that clenches at my heart, and she touches the headstone lightly again.
"I moved back home a few months ago. And Sofia...she's so happy, she's so amazing. And now she's going to grow up with her family all under one roof, she's going to have everything we wanted, Mark. And I promise you, I promise that I'm never going to let anything hurt either of them again."
I step up beside the other woman then and crouch down quietly, reaching for her hand and clasping it in my own before I speak.
"You always knew Arizona was the love of my life. You kept telling me that she was my one big chance, my Lexie...and all the other stuff didn't matter, because it'd be worth it," I glance sideways at the other woman with a small smile, "and who would have thought, but you were right. It took me awhile to figure things out this past year, but here we are."
I look over the lettering of the headstone, and a soft laugh bubbles up from my throat.
"Finally, here we are. And she's right, Mark. Sofia is so happy that we're all together again -- she's happy, and so am I. Arizona is taking good care of us. She never faltered, not even when we were apart."
I look up to meet the blue eyes that are watching me, a myriad of emotions swirling in their depths, and I stand, pulling her up gently with me.
"You never failed us, Arizona. If anything we failed each other, but you were still always there for us."
She smiles a little, squeezing my hand, and leans in to press a soft kiss to my cheek.
"And I always will be. You're my family."
"And you're mine. You're my home. If the past year has shown me anything, it's that none of the rest of it does matter. Life is going to throw crap at us left, right, and centre - it's going to try and break us, and test us. And I used to think home was a place; a place I could retreat to from all of that, and feel safe in. But home is you, Arizona. It will always be you.”
And as I envelope the smaller women in my arms, feeling her press her face to my neck with a soft, content sigh, I have never felt more at ease.
Because I am - I'm finally home.
And I am never letting go again.
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. And sometimes we realize that certain things are worth fighting for. Starts a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: I know I've gone longer than usual without updating this, so I want to say thank you for hanging in there! Life has been kicking my ass lately; in the span of the last ten days work has been insane, I was sick, and I was travelling...so while the majority of this and the next chapter was written on my phone while on an airplane, I haven't gotten a chance to edit it and post until tonight. I hope it's worth the wait! And the next chapter...“Friday”...will be posted tomorrow or the day after. :) Thanks again for reading!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Arizona
“Karev!”
I spot the younger doctor over behind the desk in the emergency department, and I weave my way around a couple interns in the mostly-quiet room to make my way over. He’s engrossed typing something on one of the tablets, and he glances up as I approach with a nod of acknowledgement.
“Robbins, hey. You need something? How’s that preemie doing from this morning? Baby Olivia?"
I smile, leaning on the counter opposite him, my fingers drumming lightly against the surface in a slightly distracted manner. I love that after all these years, Alex has become the doctor I always dreamed he would be -- that I knew he could be. His first thoughts are always for the tiny humans in our care, even if they're not his patients.
“Good, actually, I was just up there. She’s a little fighter. I just wanted to ask you something though.”
Tapping a few more buttons, he slides the tablet back into the charging pod and looks at me expectantly.
“Ok?”
“Are you busy Friday night?”
His answer comes without hesitation and really, I'm not even surprised.
“That depends. Are you looking for free babysitting again?”
I grin widely at the sceptical look he’s giving me and reach over to jab him in the arm.
“No. Callie and I are getting married on Friday. We’re having a little thing at Joe’s afterward, and we want you to come."
The young man’s eyes widen noticeably, and he lets out a half laugh of surprise.
“You serious? You’re pulling some kind of shotgun wedding?”
“Well...” I muse over his question deliberately, “not really, because no one’s pregnant, we're not eighteen, and you know, we actually want to marry each other. We just didn’t see the point in putting it off any longer. So, we decided to do the courthouse Friday afternoon, and a party Friday night. We’re keeping it simple this time.”
“Yeah, you know, between you and me? The big white weddings don't exactly have the best track record, do they."
He comes around the desk, chuckling to himself, and I give him a solid thump on the arm this time. He scowls at me, rubbing the spot, and gives me an incredulous look.
“What! I mean come on, it's true.”
“Just be there, okay?” I smile a little again, lowering my voice, “You’re my guy, Alex. And bring Jo, of course. And spread the word - everyone’s invited. We just want it to be a celebration."
He shakes his head and grins then - a genuine, heartfelt grin that is so reminiscent of my brother - and reaches up to squeeze my shoulder
“Of course I’ll be there. I’m not gettin' you another gift though.”
*
I invite pretty well everyone in the hospital we know throughout the morning - and some that we don't really know -- sometimes finding out that Callie has already mentioned it as well. By lunch time I know I'm walking around like a kid on a sugar high because I'm just so delighted by the fact that this is truly becoming reality.
I get to marry Callie again on Friday.
It feels like the final piece in getting my life back, in getting me back. A year ago I was in a darker place than I had ever imagined fathomable; a place where I barely knew how to get myself out of bed every day and carry on, let alone pick up the pieces of the mess my life had become. But now? Now there's light and hope in my life again, there's love, and it has me absolutely on cloud nine.
"Arizona Robbins."
I turn around from the coffee machine in the attendings' lounge at the familiar -- but startlingly stern - voice that comes up behind me.
"You're getting re-hitched on Friday and I had to hear it from Edwards?!"
Amelia plants her hands on her hips in what would be an imposing manner if it wasn't for the slight twitch of her lips giving her away. Try as she might, I know she can never stay mad at me.
"I've been looking for you all morning! I texted you!"
"You texted me that you wanted to tell me something -- next time put a little more urgency into it, woman!"
She lets her laugh bubble over and grabs the cup from my hand, setting it aside before she engulfs me in a hug. Open displays of affection are rare from the younger Shepherd, they always have been, so I squeeze her tight given the opportunity and relish the feeling.
"So you guys are taking the plunge, huh?"
She pulls back, grinning slyly at me as she tucks back some stray dark hair.
"You better make sure it sticks this time. Seeing as it'll be completely and legally binding like it is for the rest of us shlumps."
I can't help but laugh, and I almost wish I did need a bridesmaid because there is no one I would love to see take on the role more than her.
"Trust me, I plan on making sure it sticks. I'm not going to screw it up this time. And, you know, hopefully fate is done messing with us and won't throw any more catastrophic, life-changing events our way."
She steps around me and finishes filling my cup, handing it over before she fills one of her own with the lackluster caffeinated liquid.
"You'd kick its ass next time anyway. I'm happy for you. Six months ago when you told me you'd just gone on a date with your ex-wife, well...I gotta say I wasn't entirely sure how that was going to work out."
"You and me both," I stir some milk and sugar into my coffee in an attempt to make it palatable and perch on the edge of a couch cushion, "I honestly never dreamed we'd be this happy again. Not looking back to where we were a year ago, literally yelling at each other in a therapist's office."
Amelia just hums in agreement, her back still to me as she takes a drink of her coffee.
"I guess sometimes we really do need to be ripped apart at the seams."
She turns and smiles a little, shoving her free hand down into the pocket of her lab coat.
"And if we're lucky," she shrugs, "being ripped apart works. And we can claw our way back and rebuild."
An undertone of regret is suddenly evident in the other woman's voice and I glance up, sensing the feelings that are stirring up inside of her. The two of us had become close again since she'd moved to Seattle, and some things never changed -- I was still one of the few people who could read her like a book. I really regret that I hadn't been there for her over the last couple years. Part of me wonders if things would have been different if she'd still been in my life too, if I would have let her friendship help me claw my way back sooner than I did.
"You've rebuilt yourself too, Amy."
She studies her coffee unaffectedly and shrugs a shoulder again, and my tone instinctively softens.
"You might not have been able to do it with Ryan, but he'd be happy to see you now, you know."
That surprisingly does earn me a smile, and the brunette comes over to sit beside me.
"Yeah, I know. And that's something."
"It is. The people who loved us...who we loved, in any way," I hesitate briefly, a slight ache squeezing my heart, "it's okay to miss them when happy occasions come around. It's natural. But we have to remember that happiness is what they wanted for us, even if they can't be here."
Amelia looks up, a sigh leaving her lips, and she wraps her hands tightly around the coffee cup.
"But how long does it have to be before I don't miss him every time I get invited to a wedding?"
"Honestly?" I reach over and squeeze her arm affectionately, "maybe never."
"Thanks," she leans her head back to rest on the couch with a groan, "that totally helps."
I coax her hand from the cup and twine our fingers together, and I feel her grip me back after a brief moment, grounding herself in me like I have in her so many times in the past.
"I miss Mark sometimes when I see Sofia smile," I pause, shaking my head a little and smiling to myself as I think about it, "her smile -- that's all Callie -- but when she smiles really big, when she's just delighted over something, her eyes crinkle up in the corners in a way that's so Mark I can't help it, you know? I think I'll always see that."
She glances over, looking a touch surprised, and I just give her a little shrug.
"It's been...god, it's been twelve years and I still miss Tim every time something exciting or good happens, or something heartbreaking. I still miss being able to call him up and tell him about it. I miss being able to tell him about Callie, and about his beautiful, amazing little niece -- even though he never met either of them."
I look up again to find her still watching, and I hold her eyes for a minute.
"You know, I cried on our first wedding day over Tim. I broke down and cried -- on Mark's shoulder, no less -- because I missed him so damn much. I was happier than I'd probably ever been, but I still missed him."
I give her hand a little squeeze again.
"And neither of them were the love of my life, Amelia. I don't even want to imagine what that would be like. I can't."
A minute of silence hangs in the air between us, the faint shuffle of footsteps and voices out in the hall, and the hum of the coffee maker the only sounds in the otherwise empty room. The other doctor pulls her hand back, rubbing it over her face as she sits up.
"I'm still incredibly happy for you two. You know that, right? Even though my little cloud of doom," she swirls her finger above her head, "descends now and again."
Smiling, I nudge her shoulder with my own.
"I know you are."
"I just wish I could not think about him. Just say hey, this is awesome. A wedding, a happy wedding. I'll take Owen and I'll dance with Owen and he's a great guy so that'll be great. I mean for god's sake it's not like he's the first man I've dated since -- I was freaking engaged last year."
"Mm," I finish my coffee, arching my eyebrow ever so slightly, "and how'd that work out?"
The brunette shoots me a dirty look and I push myself off the couch, tossing my now-empty cup into the trash before I start to head out.
"It'll get easier, Amy, I promise. A little bit easier every time. You're allowed to be happy and still miss people."
"Ugh," she climbs up, crinkling her nose, "stop being so smart all the time, spewing your wisdom."
A laugh bubbles up from my throat and I grin at the other woman, seeing that I've pulled her somewhat out of her momentary funk. If nothing else, I feel accomplished over that.
"I can't help it. I'm right, and I'm awesome."
"Annnnd still using that line I see, ten years later."
"Hey," I turn to look back from the door, "if it's still accurate. So we'll see you at Joe's on Friday, right?"
Amelia just shakes her head, matching my grin with a slight roll of her eyes.
"Of course you will. You're retying the knot -- I'm not gonna miss this party a second time."
*
Callie
It's official; I'm an awful mother and an even more awful doctor. I rescheduled a non-emergent surgery to take my daughter out of school and go dress shopping. And I only feel a tiny bit guilty about it.
In my defence though, this is a pretty unique situation and I didn't exactly have a lot of time to plan ahead. So I work a fifteen hour shift tomorrow to make up for it -- it's worth it. I don't plan on marrying Arizona a third time, so this one has to be perfect.
Sofia and I headed straight into the heart of downtown after I picked her up at lunch time and for the last hour and a half we'd been making our way through every dress shop and boutique in the shopping district. Finding something for her had been easy enough; she'd been delighted with her third option, a rich purple satin dress with an adorable tulle skirt and a bow at the waist. I picked out a matching hair clip with a bow and she was set.
Finding something for me, however, was proving slightly more frustrating.
I had only managed to convince Arizona this morning over breakfast that we should get new clothes at all for Friday -- not that she'd been opposed to the idea, she just didn't think it was strictly necessary. I smile to myself when I picture the sparkle in her eyes that had been present since the minute we stepped out of that bathtub. She literally just didn't care what we were wearing, as long as we were getting married again. I didn't either, not really, but I still liked the idea of making it a little special so we'd agreed upon two rules. One, nothing white -- been there, done that. And two, it had to be something the other hadn't seen yet.
I figured the blonde would choose something either red or blue, so I tried to avoid those colours -- both of which were apparently very in style right now because they were literally everywhere. After the fourth store though, I settle on a simple, emerald green number -- with the approval of my tiny fashion consultant, of course. It fell just above knee-length, with a rounded neckline, cap sleeves, and a wide matching belt around the waist that accentuated the slight tufting in the skirt. It's dressy, but not too formal. Afternoon appropriate. Second wedding appropriate, I hope. I want Arizona to love it.
We pay for the dress and we're just heading back down the street to the car when I hear my phone start to ring, Arizona's ringtone catching my ear through the bustle of the busy sidewalk. I fumble it out, shifting my grasp on the bags and Sofia's hand, hoping not to give away my location as I answer.
"Hey sweetie! I thought you were in surgery all afternoon, everything ok?"
"Callie, hi! Oh yeah, everything's fine."
Her familiar voice comes over the line as we weave carefully down the sidewalk, and although she says she's fine there's something in her tone betraying her.
"Surgery got pushed til tomorrow. I need a few more tests before I go in, and the mom was a little overstressed. Where are you? I saw yours was erased off the board."
"Uh, yeah! Yeah, no mine ended up getting pushed too. Something about a conflict with the OR? And it's non-emergent, it's a hip replacement. I, uh, just ran out to...mail something."
The mailbox by the car had caught my attention and become the first thing out of my mouth, but I groan inwardly. Mail something? What the hell would I be mailing? The other woman doesn't seem to think much of it though, because she doesn't question me further and seems to just accept that answer.
"Do you have some free time then? Can you come pick me up? There's something I'd...there's just something I'd like to do before it's time to pick up Sof. And since we drove in together today..."
I glance down at the little girl impatiently looking up at me and mentally calculate whether or not I can sneak her into the hospital and upstairs to daycare without running into her mama.
"Of course. I'm just heading back now...um...meet me out front? Are you sure everything's ok?"
"Positive. I'll meet you there in a few. Love you."
I hear the click of her ending the call and I shove the phone in my pocket, hastily grabbing my keys and getting the car open to help Sofia inside.
I know something is up with Arizona, I just don't know what. And I don't know if I should be worried or not.
*
I park just out of sight of the front doors to the hospital and after stashing our shopping bags in the trunk under the emergency blanket I hustle Sofia in through the staff door around the side of the building. I'd sent a quick text to Amelia on our way and the neurosurgeon meets us with an amused smirk to smuggle the girl up to daycare, promising not to breathe a word to Arizona and come up with a cover story later about how I'd asked her to pick up the child from school.
Satisfied that our little afternoon excursion will remain a secret, I make my way around to the front doors and immediately spot the beautiful blonde waiting for me.
"Hey," I smile, sidling up behind the bench where she sits and leaning in to kiss her cheek, "chauffeur is here."
She looks up, flashing me a smile, and takes my offered hand as she gets up. We turn to head across the parking lot, and I can't help but be a little bit curious at her silent greeting. I wait for her to say something, but as we approach the vehicle I decide to just ask.
"So where are we going?"
I watch the blonde pause slightly with her hand on the car door, but then she looks over and meets my eyes.
"I want to go to Beechwood to visit Mark."
And that...is not what I expected. At all.
"Oh...okay."
We settle into the car in silence again and I pull out of the lot, heading in the direction of the large cemetery on the east end of the city. I've never once heard Arizona talk about wanting to go visit Mark's grave -- truthfully, I don't even know if she's ever been there over the last couple years. I don't visit very often myself anymore, but I try to bring Sofia a few times a year and it's only ever been the two of us.
"I know I've never gone with you and Sofia before," Arizona reaches over and rests her hand along my thigh, "I didn't really know how to ask, you know? I didn't know if it was entirely my place."
I nod, glancing over at her quickly as she speaks.
"I can understand that. It is, though. You could have come with us, you were family to him too."
"I haven't been in almost a year and I just...I don't know. We're getting married again. He would be happy about that, and I want to let him know."
I focus on the drive again, sighing softly to myself. He would be happy. He'd be happy I was finally getting my life together again, and had finally made the right choice when it came to her. They might not have always gotten along, but Mark had loved Arizona, and he had known I loved her - even when I wasn't sure of it myself.
He would be happy for us.
*
Beechwood Cemetery is one of Seattle's larger ones, and as we pull into the winding drive the trees and gardens immediately seem to silence off the background noise from the city. I find parking, and pause as I watch Arizona start to leave the car.
"Do you want me to wait here, or...?"
"No," she looks back, catching my eye, "of course not. Come with."
I climb out and lock up, taking her outstretched hand and linking our fingers together as she leads the way into the expansive cemetery, seemingly familiar with the path that heads toward the section Mark is buried in. I sigh softly, letting our hands hang comfortably between us. I can come here without crying now, without being upset, but I'll always feel a sense of heartache for the best friend I lost.
"Truthfully, I didn't know you'd ever been here."
I speak quietly as we walk along the well-manicured path, remembering how she had refused to even come to the funeral, and I feel an almost imperceptible tightening of her hand around mine.
"It took me a long time. But I..." she looks over, the smallest smile crossing her lips as she shakes her head, "he was Sofia's father, Callie. And he was...despite our differences, he was my friend. He was a good friend, even if we butted heads at every corner."
I smile a little at the honesty in her voice, and we continue walking quietly, turning off the path after awhile to cross the grass in a newer portion of the cemetery. As we approach his simple, dark grey stone, I let go of the blonde's hand and let her go ahead a bit. She's the one who'd wanted to visit, after all, so I want to give her a little bit of space.
I'm only a few feet behind her though, and I watch as she smoothes her hand over the top of the stone. I don't mean to necessarily eavesdrop, but her quiet voice reaches my ears after a minute and I can't help but listen as she starts to speak.
"Hey, Mark. Bet you thought I'd forgotten about you."
The blonde crouches a bit and pulls a few errant dandelions growing around the base of the stone, neatening the grass as best she can.
"I have good news this time, though. I know last time I...I'd broken my promise, about taking care of our girls. I'd failed Sofia, and Callie, and I honestly never thought things were going to turn around, Mark, but they have."
She pauses briefly, and when she speaks again I can hear the smile in her voice, even though it's still barely above a whisper.
"Callie and I are getting married on Friday. She wants to marry me again, and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world."
Her voice has a tone of reverence to it that clenches at my heart, and she touches the headstone lightly again.
"I moved back home a few months ago. And Sofia...she's so happy, she's so amazing. And now she's going to grow up with her family all under one roof, she's going to have everything we wanted, Mark. And I promise you, I promise that I'm never going to let anything hurt either of them again."
I step up beside the other woman then and crouch down quietly, reaching for her hand and clasping it in my own before I speak.
"You always knew Arizona was the love of my life. You kept telling me that she was my one big chance, my Lexie...and all the other stuff didn't matter, because it'd be worth it," I glance sideways at the other woman with a small smile, "and who would have thought, but you were right. It took me awhile to figure things out this past year, but here we are."
I look over the lettering of the headstone, and a soft laugh bubbles up from my throat.
"Finally, here we are. And she's right, Mark. Sofia is so happy that we're all together again -- she's happy, and so am I. Arizona is taking good care of us. She never faltered, not even when we were apart."
I look up to meet the blue eyes that are watching me, a myriad of emotions swirling in their depths, and I stand, pulling her up gently with me.
"You never failed us, Arizona. If anything we failed each other, but you were still always there for us."
She smiles a little, squeezing my hand, and leans in to press a soft kiss to my cheek.
"And I always will be. You're my family."
"And you're mine. You're my home. If the past year has shown me anything, it's that none of the rest of it does matter. Life is going to throw crap at us left, right, and centre - it's going to try and break us, and test us. And I used to think home was a place; a place I could retreat to from all of that, and feel safe in. But home is you, Arizona. It will always be you.”
And as I envelope the smaller women in my arms, feeling her press her face to my neck with a soft, content sigh, I have never felt more at ease.
Because I am - I'm finally home.
And I am never letting go again.