Fic: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 2/?
Title: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 2/?
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. Takes place a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Part 1
"I love you, Arizona. And I'm sorry. We're so not over."
*
She's silent again for a few long minutes, and if not for the faint breathing I would have almost been convinced she'd hung up on me. I probably deserve it, but I sincerely hope she wouldn't.
"Callie..." her voice, when she speaks again, is soft but no longer tinged with tears, "Let's go somewhere and talk. I know we've done a lot of that but --"
I swallow quickly, drying my cheek with my sleeve before I interrupt.
"Ok...yeah, yeah we should talk. Why don't you just come over? Please."
"I think it'd be better if we weren't at the house."
The house. I glance around the room that Arizona had delighted in decorating for our little girl and bite my lip a little. I realize I haven't really stopped thinking about it as ours yet. I guess she has. A guilty feeling washes over me -- I guess she's had to.
"Yeah..uh, ok. But..."
"But what?"
Sofia is scowling at me now, having tugged away after I wouldn't give her the phone. I sigh heavily.
"Would you come over for a minute first and braid Sofia's hair? We're already late for preschool and I've been fighting with her for an hour and I'm apparently completely inept."
"Of course," her voice changes at the mention of Sofia, laced with nothing but loving tones, "I'll come over and we'll get her to school, and then you and I can talk."
I nod to myself, letting out a breath.
"Okay. Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me, she's my daughter. I'll be there soon."
She hangs up, and I stare at the phone for a minute before dropping it onto the bed, pushing my hair back.
"Guess what, sweetie? Mama's coming over just to braid your hair for you!"
Sofia looks up from behind Dino and her face lights up into a megawatt smile. She gives a squeal of joy and grabs a fistful of hair bands and clips from the nightstand, squirming off and running out toward the front of the house. I climb off the bed and follow her out, glad that if nothing else, I can make her happy for awhile.
*
When Arizona arrives shortly after our call, she rings the doorbell. It catches me off guard at first; she's only been to the house once since we split up...or at least, only once when I was home. She let herself in before that to pack some things while I was at work, but we've always just traded Sofia at the daycare over the past few months.
Sofia comes barreling past me and runs to the door, unlocking it and opening the handle with somewhat alarming speed for a three year old.
"MAMA!"
She flings herself at Arizona as the door opens, wrapping little arms around her legs, and Arizona laughs lightly as she has to grip the door frame for balance.
"Whoa there, little miss." I watch as she loosens the child's grip gently and crouches to scoop her up, stepping inside, "I missed you too."
She plants a kiss on tiny lips and smooths her hand over Sofia's back, setting her purse down and nudging the door shut behind them.
"Hi," she glances my way after a second, "rough morning, huh?"
"Worse than the leggings debacle."
She smiles faintly, focusing back on the girl in her arms.
"Okay, well how about we go sit on the couch and make your hair into a pretty princess crown?"
"Yeah!"
They head into the living room while I go back to the kitchen to gather the rest of her school things, and I hear snippets of soft conversation and delighted giggles drifting down the hall. Turning to get her snacks from the fridge, I find myself paused when my eyes fall on a photo stuck to the door.
Tiny squeals come from the direction of the living room, and then I faintly hear my wife's voice proclaim "Doctor Princess Sofia! Can I offer you a ride to the kitchen for your breakfast feast?"
Toddler giggles ring out from the other room and I hear Sofia babbling on happily. Curious, I quietly step out into the hall and peek over into the open space of the living room.
"But Doctor Princess! Your pancakes are waiting!"
I grin at the sight in front of me. Sofia is perched in her mother's arms, hair elaborately braided à la Arizona with a sparkly tiara perched on top, and her new purple toy stethoscope in her ears. She has the bell placed gently above Arizona's heart, and she beams up at her in delight as Arizona looks on proudly.
"Shhhh mama. I doctowing."
I smile at the photo. I'd managed to snap it on my phone without either of them noticing, and it had always been one of my favourites. I remember that moment like it was yesterday.
"Callie? Is the rest of her stuff ready to go?"
I blink out of my reverie and look back, smiling down at Sofia now happily waiting with her hair in a perfect braided crown, the rest falling around her shoulders just like a princess.
"Ready." I quickly grab the lunch bag from the fridge and her miniature backpack from the chair. "You look beautiful, baby. Now let's get to school before Ms. Rachel is too angry at mommy for being late again."
Arizona ushers her out the front door and helps her into my car, buckling her in and shutting the door firmly.
"So...do you want to get coffee or something? There's that place near the preschool.."
"Um..." I bite my lip for a second, looking at her, "Yeah, that sounds good. You can ride with us."
She shakes her head slightly, nodding to her new car on the street.
"I'll meet you there."
She blows a kiss at Sofia with a smile and heads to her car as I slip into the driver's seat, feeling a little deflated. I mean, I don't know what I thought would happen -- I know I wasn't going to call her up and resume our happy life again. But I'm unsure about pretty much everything right now, just like I have been for the past three months, and as I pull out of the driveway I just start thinking about the many, many thing there are to say.
*
I get our daughter into the school less than half an hour late -- not too bad, I muse, considering our track record lately. Besides, she's not even four yet, how much does it really matter anyway?
I see Arizona's small blue car parked down the block, and I head toward the cafe, leaving mine where it is. I don't even know what I'm going to say to her. I let out a pathetic laugh, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jacket; I have no idea what to say to the woman who is still the love of my life. Who I once could say anything to. I am screwed. The door jingles when I step inside, and she looks up from a corner table, two mugs already on the table. She gives me a small smile, waving me over.
"I got you your normal...hope that's alright."
Smiling, I shrug off my jacket and sit across from her.
"That's perfect. Thanks, Arizona."
The café is fairly quiet, and an awkward silence stretches out between us as we both study our coffee. Our silence never used to be awkward. Our silence used to be comfortable, and calming, and perfect.
"So..." she glances over, one eyebrow slightly raised.
I fiddle with the mug a little before meeting her eyes.
"Look, Arizona...I know we tried this before, with the therapy..and..it didn't exactly go the way you wanted.."
"Did it go the way you wanted though, Callie? Because it seemed like it did. I've spent the last few months assuming that it did, since you're the one who wanted to end our marriage."
Her tone is almost brusque, which takes me a little by surprise. We haven't had more than a few conversations here and there over the last few months, most of them involving Sofia, but I thought we were...friendly, at least.
"I thought it did at the time."
She tries to keep the emotion from her face; a look I've seen directed at others many times, but rarely at myself.
"But I think I was wrong," I quickly continue, tucking hair behind my ear, "I was wrong, Arizona. I thought being apart was the right thing for both of us...I wanted you to be happy again, and I wasn't making you happy."
Blue eyes are cast downward, and she wraps a hand around her coffee mug, her fingers moving deliberately.
"Who said you weren't making me happy?"
"It....seemed pretty evident, I thought. I wanted another baby, you didn't. I wasn't sure about your new fellowship, when you were so excited about it."
I watch as she lifts the cup to her lips, taking a sip slowly.
"I did want another baby. You're the one who kept telling me that I didn't."
"I was holding you back. I really didn't feel like you were happy with us."
She sets the cup down firmly.
"And I was smothering you, right?"
I pause, wincing internally at her tone of voice.
"Arizona...no...I know that's what I said but I didn't mean it like that."
Those crystal blue eyes snap up in my direction, brows furrowed almost in....anger?
"How else can you mean that, Callie? It's pretty straightforward. Pretty much summed up everything I'd felt about myself the past year and a half, that I was the disabled, depressed wife causing you more stress and trouble than I was worth. Asking for too much, needing too much, always an emotional disaster," she laughs bitterly, taking another sip of coffee, "I mean, I guess I should have expected it. It took me too long to figure my shit out. I can admit I was a mess. I didn't think I was smothering you, but apparently."
My jaw clenches a little, and I'm trying really hard not to lash out with a retort of my own.
"I don't think you need to put words in my mouth. I never said any of that."
The blonde runs a hand through her loose hair, meeting my eyes again before she speaks.
"Putting words in your mouth, Callie? Don't you get it? That's what you spent the last year of our marriage doing."
I meet her eyes, surprised. Is that really how she felt? Is that...I watch her expression, and it hits me. I kind of did.
"I'm not saying all of this was your fault, Callie. Really, I'm not. God knows I haven't exactly been perfect," she shakes her head slightly, "and our communication skills are about equal to a game of telephone, but I feel like...you just never listened anymore. You constantly put words in my mouth, told me how I should feel and what I should do. You pushed me to recover after the amputation, which in hindsight actually did help, but it wasn't what I needed from you at the time, you know? But we moved on, we were doing good, except it still felt like you always wanted to fix me. You wanted to make me Arizona again. But the thing was, Callie -- the thing is -- I am Arizona. This is me, and I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Physically, emotionally, any of it."
She twists the mug a bit in her hands, and I can't take my eyes off her face now that all these words are tumbling out.
"And neither are you. Which isn't a bad thing, it's just how it is. We've been through a lot, and we've both changed. It just...it kept feeling like you couldn't accept that. It wasn't your job to fix me, Callie. It was your job to hold my hand and stand by my side while I fixed myself."
I cast my eyes down toward the table, pushing back the tears that are threatening to collect in my eyes, and trace a finger along the rim of the mug. She's right. I wanted to help her, but I never really saw that my helping was anything but. Silence stretches on, and I hear her let out a heavy breath.
"Callie -- I'm really not blaming you. I don't. I slept with another woman, which was clearly not the solution to anything...." she trails off quietly, "and not something I'm proud of. I could have come to you instead, yelled at you, screamed at you, let things manifest in an argument instead."
"But I would have argued back and we'd have gone in the same circles we'd been going in for months."
She looks over, and I lift my head when I feel her gaze on me.
"Yeah, you would have."
My eyes close briefly, because I know she's right. But when I open them I still see her gaze trained on me, watching me intently.
"So where can we go from here, then?"
Her shoulders raise in a halfhearted shrug and she pushes her hair back again, sighing.
"I don't know, Callie. I thought with the therapy....I really thought the thirty day separation would work. It seemed to. I...I was so sure going into our last appointment that things were finally on their way to being better. They finally felt better, you know? Like we were reconnecting. I really, truly thought we were going to be okay. You kind of blindsided me by telling me that we weren't."
It's only because I know her face so well, know every detail of her expressions, that I can tell she's holding back a wave of emotion. Those eyes meet mine again briefly and I can see everything she's feeling painted in shades of blue. I want to tell her everything; that I know now what a horrible mistake I made. That every single day of the last three months she's the only thing I could think about, the only person I've wanted to talk to on the good days and the bad. That I've missed her, so completely. That I could never not be in love with her. That I don't want to not be in love with her.
But for once in my life my brain catches up before my mouth starts to speak, and I know that's not what she needs to hear now. That's not what either of us needs. I consider my words carefully before I reply, my eyes not leaving hers.
"What would you say to starting over? Giving us one more chance." I pause, my voice quiet and sincere, "I want another chance with you."
Her fingers curl around the mug again, and she unconsciously tucks some stray hair behind her ear, which she always does when she's thinking.
"I don't know..." her reply comes softly, almost reluctantly.
Taking a steadying breath, I let my hand slide across the table, fingertips just brushing against her hand.
"Arizona...sometimes I call it wrong, I misjudge a situation. But...I'd like to take you to dinner."
Those words conjure a memory that seems so long ago now; such a different time. I feel the instant electricity as our hands touch, and judging by the look that flits quickly across her face as she glances down and then back to meet my eyes, I think she does too. She waits a few minutes, considering her answer, watching me before she speaks.
"I'd like that too."
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. Takes place a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Part 1
"I love you, Arizona. And I'm sorry. We're so not over."
*
She's silent again for a few long minutes, and if not for the faint breathing I would have almost been convinced she'd hung up on me. I probably deserve it, but I sincerely hope she wouldn't.
"Callie..." her voice, when she speaks again, is soft but no longer tinged with tears, "Let's go somewhere and talk. I know we've done a lot of that but --"
I swallow quickly, drying my cheek with my sleeve before I interrupt.
"Ok...yeah, yeah we should talk. Why don't you just come over? Please."
"I think it'd be better if we weren't at the house."
The house. I glance around the room that Arizona had delighted in decorating for our little girl and bite my lip a little. I realize I haven't really stopped thinking about it as ours yet. I guess she has. A guilty feeling washes over me -- I guess she's had to.
"Yeah..uh, ok. But..."
"But what?"
Sofia is scowling at me now, having tugged away after I wouldn't give her the phone. I sigh heavily.
"Would you come over for a minute first and braid Sofia's hair? We're already late for preschool and I've been fighting with her for an hour and I'm apparently completely inept."
"Of course," her voice changes at the mention of Sofia, laced with nothing but loving tones, "I'll come over and we'll get her to school, and then you and I can talk."
I nod to myself, letting out a breath.
"Okay. Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me, she's my daughter. I'll be there soon."
She hangs up, and I stare at the phone for a minute before dropping it onto the bed, pushing my hair back.
"Guess what, sweetie? Mama's coming over just to braid your hair for you!"
Sofia looks up from behind Dino and her face lights up into a megawatt smile. She gives a squeal of joy and grabs a fistful of hair bands and clips from the nightstand, squirming off and running out toward the front of the house. I climb off the bed and follow her out, glad that if nothing else, I can make her happy for awhile.
*
When Arizona arrives shortly after our call, she rings the doorbell. It catches me off guard at first; she's only been to the house once since we split up...or at least, only once when I was home. She let herself in before that to pack some things while I was at work, but we've always just traded Sofia at the daycare over the past few months.
Sofia comes barreling past me and runs to the door, unlocking it and opening the handle with somewhat alarming speed for a three year old.
"MAMA!"
She flings herself at Arizona as the door opens, wrapping little arms around her legs, and Arizona laughs lightly as she has to grip the door frame for balance.
"Whoa there, little miss." I watch as she loosens the child's grip gently and crouches to scoop her up, stepping inside, "I missed you too."
She plants a kiss on tiny lips and smooths her hand over Sofia's back, setting her purse down and nudging the door shut behind them.
"Hi," she glances my way after a second, "rough morning, huh?"
"Worse than the leggings debacle."
She smiles faintly, focusing back on the girl in her arms.
"Okay, well how about we go sit on the couch and make your hair into a pretty princess crown?"
"Yeah!"
They head into the living room while I go back to the kitchen to gather the rest of her school things, and I hear snippets of soft conversation and delighted giggles drifting down the hall. Turning to get her snacks from the fridge, I find myself paused when my eyes fall on a photo stuck to the door.
Tiny squeals come from the direction of the living room, and then I faintly hear my wife's voice proclaim "Doctor Princess Sofia! Can I offer you a ride to the kitchen for your breakfast feast?"
Toddler giggles ring out from the other room and I hear Sofia babbling on happily. Curious, I quietly step out into the hall and peek over into the open space of the living room.
"But Doctor Princess! Your pancakes are waiting!"
I grin at the sight in front of me. Sofia is perched in her mother's arms, hair elaborately braided à la Arizona with a sparkly tiara perched on top, and her new purple toy stethoscope in her ears. She has the bell placed gently above Arizona's heart, and she beams up at her in delight as Arizona looks on proudly.
"Shhhh mama. I doctowing."
I smile at the photo. I'd managed to snap it on my phone without either of them noticing, and it had always been one of my favourites. I remember that moment like it was yesterday.
"Callie? Is the rest of her stuff ready to go?"
I blink out of my reverie and look back, smiling down at Sofia now happily waiting with her hair in a perfect braided crown, the rest falling around her shoulders just like a princess.
"Ready." I quickly grab the lunch bag from the fridge and her miniature backpack from the chair. "You look beautiful, baby. Now let's get to school before Ms. Rachel is too angry at mommy for being late again."
Arizona ushers her out the front door and helps her into my car, buckling her in and shutting the door firmly.
"So...do you want to get coffee or something? There's that place near the preschool.."
"Um..." I bite my lip for a second, looking at her, "Yeah, that sounds good. You can ride with us."
She shakes her head slightly, nodding to her new car on the street.
"I'll meet you there."
She blows a kiss at Sofia with a smile and heads to her car as I slip into the driver's seat, feeling a little deflated. I mean, I don't know what I thought would happen -- I know I wasn't going to call her up and resume our happy life again. But I'm unsure about pretty much everything right now, just like I have been for the past three months, and as I pull out of the driveway I just start thinking about the many, many thing there are to say.
*
I get our daughter into the school less than half an hour late -- not too bad, I muse, considering our track record lately. Besides, she's not even four yet, how much does it really matter anyway?
I see Arizona's small blue car parked down the block, and I head toward the cafe, leaving mine where it is. I don't even know what I'm going to say to her. I let out a pathetic laugh, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jacket; I have no idea what to say to the woman who is still the love of my life. Who I once could say anything to. I am screwed. The door jingles when I step inside, and she looks up from a corner table, two mugs already on the table. She gives me a small smile, waving me over.
"I got you your normal...hope that's alright."
Smiling, I shrug off my jacket and sit across from her.
"That's perfect. Thanks, Arizona."
The café is fairly quiet, and an awkward silence stretches out between us as we both study our coffee. Our silence never used to be awkward. Our silence used to be comfortable, and calming, and perfect.
"So..." she glances over, one eyebrow slightly raised.
I fiddle with the mug a little before meeting her eyes.
"Look, Arizona...I know we tried this before, with the therapy..and..it didn't exactly go the way you wanted.."
"Did it go the way you wanted though, Callie? Because it seemed like it did. I've spent the last few months assuming that it did, since you're the one who wanted to end our marriage."
Her tone is almost brusque, which takes me a little by surprise. We haven't had more than a few conversations here and there over the last few months, most of them involving Sofia, but I thought we were...friendly, at least.
"I thought it did at the time."
She tries to keep the emotion from her face; a look I've seen directed at others many times, but rarely at myself.
"But I think I was wrong," I quickly continue, tucking hair behind my ear, "I was wrong, Arizona. I thought being apart was the right thing for both of us...I wanted you to be happy again, and I wasn't making you happy."
Blue eyes are cast downward, and she wraps a hand around her coffee mug, her fingers moving deliberately.
"Who said you weren't making me happy?"
"It....seemed pretty evident, I thought. I wanted another baby, you didn't. I wasn't sure about your new fellowship, when you were so excited about it."
I watch as she lifts the cup to her lips, taking a sip slowly.
"I did want another baby. You're the one who kept telling me that I didn't."
"I was holding you back. I really didn't feel like you were happy with us."
She sets the cup down firmly.
"And I was smothering you, right?"
I pause, wincing internally at her tone of voice.
"Arizona...no...I know that's what I said but I didn't mean it like that."
Those crystal blue eyes snap up in my direction, brows furrowed almost in....anger?
"How else can you mean that, Callie? It's pretty straightforward. Pretty much summed up everything I'd felt about myself the past year and a half, that I was the disabled, depressed wife causing you more stress and trouble than I was worth. Asking for too much, needing too much, always an emotional disaster," she laughs bitterly, taking another sip of coffee, "I mean, I guess I should have expected it. It took me too long to figure my shit out. I can admit I was a mess. I didn't think I was smothering you, but apparently."
My jaw clenches a little, and I'm trying really hard not to lash out with a retort of my own.
"I don't think you need to put words in my mouth. I never said any of that."
The blonde runs a hand through her loose hair, meeting my eyes again before she speaks.
"Putting words in your mouth, Callie? Don't you get it? That's what you spent the last year of our marriage doing."
I meet her eyes, surprised. Is that really how she felt? Is that...I watch her expression, and it hits me. I kind of did.
"I'm not saying all of this was your fault, Callie. Really, I'm not. God knows I haven't exactly been perfect," she shakes her head slightly, "and our communication skills are about equal to a game of telephone, but I feel like...you just never listened anymore. You constantly put words in my mouth, told me how I should feel and what I should do. You pushed me to recover after the amputation, which in hindsight actually did help, but it wasn't what I needed from you at the time, you know? But we moved on, we were doing good, except it still felt like you always wanted to fix me. You wanted to make me Arizona again. But the thing was, Callie -- the thing is -- I am Arizona. This is me, and I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Physically, emotionally, any of it."
She twists the mug a bit in her hands, and I can't take my eyes off her face now that all these words are tumbling out.
"And neither are you. Which isn't a bad thing, it's just how it is. We've been through a lot, and we've both changed. It just...it kept feeling like you couldn't accept that. It wasn't your job to fix me, Callie. It was your job to hold my hand and stand by my side while I fixed myself."
I cast my eyes down toward the table, pushing back the tears that are threatening to collect in my eyes, and trace a finger along the rim of the mug. She's right. I wanted to help her, but I never really saw that my helping was anything but. Silence stretches on, and I hear her let out a heavy breath.
"Callie -- I'm really not blaming you. I don't. I slept with another woman, which was clearly not the solution to anything...." she trails off quietly, "and not something I'm proud of. I could have come to you instead, yelled at you, screamed at you, let things manifest in an argument instead."
"But I would have argued back and we'd have gone in the same circles we'd been going in for months."
She looks over, and I lift my head when I feel her gaze on me.
"Yeah, you would have."
My eyes close briefly, because I know she's right. But when I open them I still see her gaze trained on me, watching me intently.
"So where can we go from here, then?"
Her shoulders raise in a halfhearted shrug and she pushes her hair back again, sighing.
"I don't know, Callie. I thought with the therapy....I really thought the thirty day separation would work. It seemed to. I...I was so sure going into our last appointment that things were finally on their way to being better. They finally felt better, you know? Like we were reconnecting. I really, truly thought we were going to be okay. You kind of blindsided me by telling me that we weren't."
It's only because I know her face so well, know every detail of her expressions, that I can tell she's holding back a wave of emotion. Those eyes meet mine again briefly and I can see everything she's feeling painted in shades of blue. I want to tell her everything; that I know now what a horrible mistake I made. That every single day of the last three months she's the only thing I could think about, the only person I've wanted to talk to on the good days and the bad. That I've missed her, so completely. That I could never not be in love with her. That I don't want to not be in love with her.
But for once in my life my brain catches up before my mouth starts to speak, and I know that's not what she needs to hear now. That's not what either of us needs. I consider my words carefully before I reply, my eyes not leaving hers.
"What would you say to starting over? Giving us one more chance." I pause, my voice quiet and sincere, "I want another chance with you."
Her fingers curl around the mug again, and she unconsciously tucks some stray hair behind her ear, which she always does when she's thinking.
"I don't know..." her reply comes softly, almost reluctantly.
Taking a steadying breath, I let my hand slide across the table, fingertips just brushing against her hand.
"Arizona...sometimes I call it wrong, I misjudge a situation. But...I'd like to take you to dinner."
Those words conjure a memory that seems so long ago now; such a different time. I feel the instant electricity as our hands touch, and judging by the look that flits quickly across her face as she glances down and then back to meet my eyes, I think she does too. She waits a few minutes, considering her answer, watching me before she speaks.
"I'd like that too."