Fic: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 12/?
Title: Well Maybe What You Want is Right Here 12/?
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. And sometimes we realize that certain things are worth fighting for. Starts a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: This chapter was a little difficult to write...so I hope it lives up to expectations. I could see it in my head, but not sure if it translated as well as I would have liked! Thank you all again for continuing to read -- your comments and constructive criticism mean the world to me! :)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Callie
It isn't until much, much later that night that I finally get to speak to Arizona again. She'd had back to back surgeries into the evening, and then had briefly replied to my text that she was "with Herman" after that. Part of me wanted to sneak past their lounge and see if she actually was there or if she was just avoiding me, but I figured it was best to give her the benefit of the doubt if I was going to continue to earn her trust back.
As I settle into bed, I vaguely wonder when we both stopped trusting each other in the first place. For me, the cheating had done it. Arizona had been the one person I never, ever thought would cheat on her marriage -- the one person I had trusted completely with my heart. For her, had it been the amputation? Or had it started long before that, with Sofia's conception? With my unwillingness to follow her to Africa? We had touched on the issue in therapy, but I never felt like we got anywhere with it. It frustrates me to no end. I want that trust back.
I study the phone held in my hand, my thumb scrolling absently back and forth over her name in my contacts as I contemplate making the call.
"I can't believe you didn't know if I was your girlfriend or not."
I trace my finger along her bare shoulder as we lay facing each other in bed, a rare lazy Sunday descending upon us like a warm blanket.
Her eyes drift up to meet mine, and she watches me, studying me in the quiet way she does sometimes.
"I didn't want to assume."
"You must have had tons of girlfriends before me, I figured you'd be used to it."
She shifts a bit, and I let my fingers trace lazily down along her perfect collarbone, not noticing the sudden change in the air.
"Only two, you know."
I look up, brow furrowed slightly at her quiet admission.
"How is that possible?"
Arizona shrugs a little, rolling onto her back.
"I've dated plenty of women. Slept with plenty. But you're only the third serious relationship I've had. I'm not entirely practiced in this."
"Hey," I shift closer, wrapping an arm around her midsection and leaning up on my other elbow to look at her, "well you're pretty amazing at it, just so you know. You're an incredible girlfriend."
"Tell that to the one who cheated on me after four years. Or the one who decided I was 'too difficult' after two."
There's a trace of hurt and uncertainty in her voice that I've very rarely heard from her, and it takes me by surprise. The paediatric surgeon always exudes confidence.
"I'm probably just not worth the commitment."
I press my hand to her jaw and tilt her face gently, forcing her to look at me.
"Arizona, you have no idea how amazing you are. I don't know what was wrong with those women, but they were clearly idiots."
She pulls away, shaking her head with a forced smile.
"Callie, don't. Let's just enjoy our Sunday off."
She rolls to face me again, sliding her hand under the blankets to smooth over my waist, pressing closer.
"No," I cup her cheek and meet her eyes, holding her gaze until I'm sure she's not going to look away again, "Arizona, listen to me. I am in this, I'm committed. To me, you are worth...everything. You have to trust me."
There are three words I so desperately want to add. Words I've been starting to feel for awhile now, that I know are true. I already trust her completely with my heart, as if it's pure instinct. But something inside me is terrified of exposing myself first; terrified to tell her that.
"Don't you see? That's the problem," she whispers, nuzzling her face into my neck with a soft, almost hesitant sigh, "I do trust you, Calliope. More than either of them."
I press the button and hold the phone to my ear, desperately hoping that she's home and that she'll pick up. We need to talk about what happened at lunch. I'm not going to let this set back any progress we've made.
"Callie?"
When she answers her voice sounds tired, although thankfully not as if I've woken her from sleep. I glance at the bedside clock and see that it's nearing one in the morning, but I guess I'm not the only one who's restless tonight.
"Hey," I start quietly, "I'm glad you answered. I hope I didn't wake you..."
"You didn't," she sighs, "I got home awhile ago, but I haven't been able to fall asleep."
I can picture her; curled up on her side, blonde curls spread across the pillow, blankets pulled up to her chin like they always are when she can't sleep. Like she's trying to make a safe little cocoon.
"I wanted to talk about earlier..."
"I'm sorry I said it," she cuts me off quietly, "I didn't mean it like that."
Rolling to settle on my back, I draw the pillow over from the other side of the bed, hugging it against my torso.
"You did mean it, though. You don't say things you don't mean."
I hear blankets rustle, and it takes her a minute to respond.
"Honestly? I was hurt. That night..." she hesitates, her voice dropping to a quiet pitch, "I thought that night meant something at the time, Callie. I thought...when we were laying in bed after, and you were curled up around me, I really felt like things were going to be okay. I was devastated the next day to learn that they weren't. That it had been...some kind of goodbye."
I close my eyes, remembering that night in this very bed. I don’t regret it, but I do regret how it made Arizona feel. It wasn’t something I even thought about at the time.
“I never meant it to be...I didn’t want to hurt you intentionally, Arizona. Please trust me when I say that.”
I’m met with nothing but silence from the other end of the phone, so I take a breath and speak again.
“I had been thinking about it for awhile,” I admit quietly, staring up at the dark ceiling, “I think I knew about halfway through that we weren’t going to be able to fix anything, that...it was just all too much. But I couldn’t admit it. I just couldn’t. That night...I just needed to be with you. I needed to feel like you wanted me. That you were even still attracted to me after everything.”
There’s still a painful silence hovering between us.
“I guess...I wanted to see if it could change anything...I was trying to stick another band-aid on. I'm sorry.”
Swallowing past a lump that’s forming in my throat, I wipe at my eyes in the dark. I had been so blinded by a desperate hope that we could magically fix all our problems.
I can hear a slight rustling - the only thing letting me know that she’s still on the other end of the line, and if nothing else it comforts me a little.
“Calliope Torres,” my name falls from her lips in a heartfelt tone, “there has not been a day in the last five and a half years that I have not been attracted to you. Not a single day.”
I scoff a little, unintentionally, but she immediately picks up on it.
“I mean that, Calliope. I have been so mad I just wanted to shake you, and so hurt and emotionally damaged that I didn’t want to talk to you, or even be around you, and there was a time I couldn't be with you because I was insecure about myself - but when I see you, every time I see you, I want you. You are the most beautiful, heart-stoppingly gorgeous woman I have ever met. You may still have some doubts about me, but don't you ever doubt that.”
She finishes on a small sigh, her voice filled with honesty and almost a tone of reverence. I wipe at my eyes again, willing myself to respond.
“I’m so sorry, Arizona...”
“Don’t...don’t,” she murmurs into the phone, “it’s okay, I believe you. We’ve both made mistakes.”
I sniffle a little, curling onto my side with the pillow still clutched in my arms.
“Are we...?”
She seems to know just what I need, and she doesn’t hesitate.
“We’re going to be okay.”
There’s another long pause between us, neither of us seeming to make any motion to hang up the phone. I don’t want us to. We haven’t stayed on the phone all night in years, hadn’t really had reason, or opportunity to. But I’ve always felt a certain sense of peace knowing she’s on the other end.
“How come we couldn’t have talked like this before?” I murmur, sighing a little, “Why didn’t we ever just...talk?”
“I don’t know,” she answers honestly after a pause, “but we’re talking now.”
A yawn suddenly escapes me, sleep finally starting to settle over my mind now that we’ve cleared the air between us.
“Always?”
I hear her soft breathing in my ear, and it just serves to calm me even further. She's my favourite lullaby.
“Always.”
*
Arizona
I wake up, rolling over with a yawn, and hear a thud as something heavy falls from the blankets onto the floor. I look over the side of the bed and see my phone, and I smile when I remember why it was in bed with me in the first place.
Scooping it up, I see that it disconnected at some point during the night, so I send off a quick text to Callie instead.
-When are you off tonight? Maybe the three of us can have supper.
I set the phone aside and rub my eyes, sighing tiredly before I push myself up to the edge of the bed, reaching for my leg. I’ve barely slipped the sophisticated piece of machinery on when my phone chimes with a reply, and I grin as I read it, heading over to the closet to find some clothes for the day.
-6:30, you? I took a poll, and we would both love that. Sof wants your mac and cheese
-I can arrange that. Should be done by 6, so I’ll pick her up
-Can’t wait. See you at home if not before.
I read her last text over a few times, feeling another smile creep up. Callie was right last night - why couldn’t we have just talked before? We’d been in a relationship for five years, married for three, and...we’ve probably spoken more honestly and fully to each other in the past two months than we ever did then. If we had just done things differently, if we just hadn’t both been so stubborn...
I sigh, tossing the phone on the bed while I go about getting ready. I need to stop having regrets and just be happy that we’re moving forward - better late than never, right?
As I stand at the mirror and quickly smooth down my unruly curls, my eyes fall to the small black jewelry box sitting on the dresser. Part of me feels like it’s too soon; we’re still on somewhat unsteady ground, which is the exact opposite of what that little box represented when I got it. But yet...I pick it up, pulling the top open to see the small gold heart nestled inside.
My heart does still belong to her. And now, she wants it again.
Gently pulling the chain from the box I lift it around my neck, clasping it and letting it fall into place above my breasts.
It feels like coming home.
*
Later on that day, I spot my favourite neurosurgeon at the coffee cart and sidle over beside her, handing over a few dollars to the girl as I order my coffee.
“So,” I lower my voice a little, standing close to the other doctor, “how’s Herman doing? She seemed a little off her game after her appointment with you.”
The girl from the cart passes over my coffee, and I turn to walk with Amelia, giving her a concerned glance. I hadn’t been at my mentor’s scan this morning because we’d had an emergency with one of our post-ops, and she insisted that she’d be fine on her own. But she’d been...quiet after lunch. She had barely said a thing about it.
“You should talk to her.”
Furrowing my brow a bit, I look over at my friend.
“She listed me as...next of kin last week. You know you can tell me what’s going on. I need to know, Amelia. The only reason I wasn’t there this morning is because I was dealing with one of our patients.”
She sips her coffee, glancing around as we head toward the lounge, and lets out a slight sigh.
“I know.”
Grabbing her forearm, I stop her movements, turning to face her. I have always been able to read Amelia Shepherd like a book, and that hasn't changed one bit over the years.
“Amy...”
“It’s not going to be long, Arizona. On the scan this morning...the tumour has grown. A lot since last time. We might be looking at a few days before surgery needs to happen. I’d say a week at most, and honestly that's probably generous.”
I feel myself inhale sharply, a sudden feeling of panic gripping my chest. Despite how our relationship started out, I’ve grown to care for the older doctor over the last few months. And while we all knew this day would come, it never felt like it would be quite this soon.
“Yeah,” Amelia just lets out a sigh, almost like she’s already steeling herself for the fight, “I wouldn’t make too many plans for the next few days.”
“I’m moving back in with Callie this weekend.”
I say the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of how inappropriate it may be at that very moment. I know if I dwell on Nicole and her surgery, it won't be doing anybody any favours.
The brunette's lips twitch into a small smile, and she nudges my shoulder as we continue our walk down the hall.
“Glad you went with your gut, Robbins. You’re happy about it, right?”
I smile then too, looking over to meet her eyes.
“I can’t wait.”
“You should tell Herman that. She’s completely rooting for you guys, it’s kinda sweet. Who knew she had a soft side?”
I blink a little, downing the rest of my coffee in a quick gulp.
“Wait, what did she say?”
Amelia just grins, turning into the lounge and leaving me behind her.
“Oh, we talked about you guys all morning.”
*
We have another successful surgery that afternoon, and Herman really is happy for me, despite, of course, starting the conversation with an “I told you so.” I can’t drag out of her what she talked about with Amelia - all I get is a smirk, which worries me knowing her - but she seems genuinely pleased about the whole thing.
I, meanwhile, am just growing more and more worried about her. But that's not something she lets me voice, so I leave it be for today.
Soon enough I’m done for the day, so I head up to daycare and collect a bubbly, excited little girl. I grin as she runs over to me and scoop her into a hug, nuzzling her silky hair; it doesn’t matter what kind of day I have, hearing her delighted, innocent little giggle instantly makes everything 110% better. I sign her out and take her hand, heading downstairs and out to the car. She tells me about her day at preschool, and then about the Play-Doh frogs she was making with Zola when I interrupted - although she then assures me that it was okay to interrupt, because we were having supper together.
It strikes me as I listen to my daughter’s voice how very, very much I do want another child with Callie. After the miscarriage, after feeling that devastation, I’d told myself that it didn’t matter - that I didn’t really want another anyway. I tried to convince myself that it had probably been a good thing I lost the baby. But the truth is...I have loved every minute of being Sofia’s mother. Of course the surrogate idea had turned into a complete mess on us after that, but I still feel the yearning for more.
After getting settled in the car and heading out we stop at the grocery store on the way home, picking up all the ingredients for grandma Barbara’s famous mac and cheese recipe - one of the few dishes I actually excel at cooking. After some cajoling by Sofia, I also grab a bottle of sugary grape juice as a treat, because really, tonight is a sort of celebration. It certainly is for me, anyway.
"Mama? Mama!"
I look down when the small child tugs at my hand on the way back to the car, carefully glancing both ways as we cross the parking lot.
"Yes, baby?"
"Mommy is coming for supper too?"
Lifting both her and the bags into the backseat, I can't help smile at her question.
"Yep. We're all having supper at home, together."
I get her strapped in, and she seems to be contemplating my answer, a serious, thoughtful look coming over her face.
"I like when we together."
*
Callie
The house smells amazing when I get home after work. God, I haven't come home to the smell of supper in...almost half a year now. At most there's been a babysitter there, and more often than not it's just me and Sofia coming home to a dark, cold house. I'd forgotten how nice it could be.
There are lights on in the living room, and the kitchen at the back of the house, and I can hear Arizona and Sofia talking and giggling over something that is apparently terribly amusing. I make my way down to the kitchen and find myself standing on the threshold, completely unnoticed. The scene in front of me brings a grin to my face though.
"Mama, no! I want to do it."
The blonde hands over a set of wooden spoons and slides the salad bowl over in front of our daughter, who is perched on a chair to bring her up to counter height.
"But gently this time, right sweetie? Not like the bread crumbs please."
Sofia waves the spoons around a bit before shoving them into the bowl of lettuce and slowly, if a little haphazardly, mixing them around.
"I got it, don't worries."
I pull my phone out and snap a quick picture, knowing the sound of the camera will give me away.
"It's like Master Chef in here! Wow, it smells amazing."
I walk around the island and drop a kiss on Sofia's head, but she barely even looks up, choosing to concentrate on the task at hand. Arizona turns and smiles when I press a kiss to her temple too, and I feel like the pure domestic bliss of this moment is instantly burned into my memory. To me, this is perfection.
"Supper's just about ready, you're just in time."
Arizona squeezes my waist and slips around me to the oven, grabbing the oven mitts on the counter.
"How was your day? I don't think I even saw you in passing."
I lean beside Sofia and watch as she pulls the fragrant casserole out of the oven, silently admiring the toned muscles of her arms in the t-shirt she's wearing. And the way she looks in those jeans. She sets the dish on the counter and shuts off the oven, turning and giving me an amused glance.
"Callie?"
"Hm?" I look up, blinking a bit, "Oh! Yeah, day was good. I did two knee replacements, and spent some time working in the prosthesis lab."
She helps Sofia finish with the salad and lifts her down from the chair, handing me the bowl and pointing me toward the already-set table.
"How's that coming lately?"
Unable to help myself, I wrap my free arm around her waist and tug her a step closer, lightly dropping a kiss on her lips.
"Mm, it's going really great. You know, just casually creating groundbreaking robotics."
"Mommy!"
Both of us look over toward the table and Sofia is just standing there, hands on her little hips, giving me a raised eyebrow that is not at all unlike her blonde mother's.
"Stop kissin. I'm hungry!"
"But I love kissing Mama. I'm so happy she's here."
I see Arizona glance at me, a questioning look in her eyes -- I know she's thinking we should have the talk with our daughter, but everything right now seems to be falling into place so simply.
I do pull away though, crouching down to the child's level to look at her.
"Sof...Mama is going to live here again. She's going to move back from Uncle Alex's house. Isn't that good news?"
The girl's expression changes, her eyebrows knit together in thought.
"You said you didn't wanna live with Mama anymore."
She looks at Arizona, and the blonde comes closer, smoothing a hand protectively over the small head of dark hair.
"I know, sweetie. But mama and I have talked a lot, and even though we were really angry, and really sad with each other...we still love each other very much. So we decided not to fight anymore."
Arizona crouches too, wrapping her arms loosely around the child's middle.
"And I missed living with you and Mommy so, so much, Sofia. I love both of you more than anything."
She twists a bit to look at her mother, then looks back at me again, thoughtfully taking in our words.
"Did you be married again?"
Completely taken aback at her question, I blank a bit and glance to Arizona for help. She seamlessly takes over and yet again, I can't help admire the ease she has with our daughter.
"No...we're not, but we still want to be together as a family. Because it wasn't much fun being a family but being apart, was it?"
Her nose wrinkles up -- also, I notice, a very Arizona expression -- and she gives us a somewhat exasperated sigh.
"It was no fun at all. Together is better."
Arizona smiles at me over her head, kissing her cheek and pushing herself back to standing.
"I agree. Much better."
I look back at our daughter, smoothing her t-shirt down on her belly.
"Do you...have any questions, Sof?"
"Yah."
She turns and heads to the table, climbing nimbly up onto her chair.
"Can we have mac an' cheeses now?"
*
After supper and a hundredth or so re-watch of Frozen, Sofia is finally tucked into bed and fast asleep, and I trail down the hall toward to kitchen to see where Arizona disappeared to after kissing her goodnight and leaving story time to me.
The light above the counter is on in the kitchen and I find the blonde standing at the sink washing up some dishes from earlier, and -- I pause just a few steps behind her as I approach -- singing under her breath. I groan inwardly at the familiar tune. That damn song from the movie.
"Please tell me you're going to stop singing that song."
Sidling up behind her, I wrap my arms loosely around her hips and lean my chin on her shoulder with a dramatic sigh.
"Why, Calliope, is there a problem? Let it gooo, let it gooooo..."
I groan, pulling back as she starts laughing. Her laughter is music to my ears -- but seriously, I cannot hear that song one more time.
"You do know that Sofia and I already decided to be Elsa and Anna for Halloween, right?" she rinses the last dish and sets it in the drying rack, grabbing the towel to dry her hands before hanging it back over the handle of the oven.
"Wait, if you're Elsa and she's Ana, then who am I?"
Arizona bites her lip a little, trying to hold back a grin. I raise an eyebrow questioningly, hands coming to rest on my hips. This can't be good.
"She wants you to be Sven."
I'm sure the look I give her is a horrified one, because she bursts out laughing again.
"Oh my god. I can't even be the snowman? I have to be the deer?"
"Reindeer," she corrects matter-of-factly, "and you'll have to take that up with little miss."
She grins, patting my cheek lightly.
"Don't worry, you have like seven months to convince her otherwise."
I catch her wrists and place her arms around my neck as I let my own slide over her waist once more, pulling her into an embrace. Leaning in, I nuzzle her cheek and kiss her softly before I reply.
"You two are impossible."
Blue eyes meet mine and she smiles, letting her fingers slip in under my hair to caress my neck.
"But you love us."
I kiss her again, sighing softly as she relaxes against me.
"That I do. Tonight went well, didn't it?"
I pose the question quietly, watching her eyes for an answer. I think tonight went really well -- Sofia seemed to understand our explanation, at least for now, and we'd had a really, really nice family evening. It felt so comfortable having Arizona back in the house like this, moving around her and sharing the space, seemingly in sync again like we'd been years ago.
"I think tonight went really well. I had a wonderful night, Callie. And Sofia was happy."
"I'm happy too."
This time she's the one who kisses me, and she keeps it soft and sweet and lazy as we stand with our arms around each other. I sigh happily against her, letting my fingers just graze over bare skin under the hem of her shirt.
"Can we make a rule?" I pull back as we break apart, resting my hands on her hips lightly, "At least twice a week, we do family dinner, just like this. More if possible, but I mean, our schedules are always going to be kind of crazy."
Arizona's face brightens at the idea, and she immediately nods in agreement.
"At least twice a week. We make every effort possible."
"Now that's settled..." I lean in and nuzzle her ear again lightly, hearing the slight catch in her breath as I do, "Do you want to just stay here tonight?"
"Mm, no...as tempting as that is, I have to be in really early tomorrow and I didn't bring anything with me. I should just go home to Alex's tonight."
She pulls out of my arms, glancing over at the clock above the table, and I sigh inwardly. I'm just impatient now for her to be here, and two more days seems far too long to wait.
I walk with her as she heads down to the front door, and I grab her jacket from the hooks on the wall, handing it to her with a small smile.
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
Taking her jacket, she rests a hand on my arm and leans up, kissing me slowly.
"I love you. See you tomorrow, Calliope."
It's only when she pulls back this time that I see the glint of a gold chain around her neck, and my heart catches in my throat a little as I stare at it. I reach over and slide my finger along the neckline of her shirt, gently pulling the chain over the fabric to find the small heart pendant I know is hanging at the end. I run my thumb over it gently, looking up to meet her eyes.
"You're wearing it again."
She looks down at the pendant as I let it go, softly placing it down against her chest.
"It felt like time," she fingers it carefully, giving me a small smile.
My smile broadens, and my heart pounds with the sheer love I feel for this woman. I pull the door open reluctantly for her and wait as she steps outside to leave.
"I love you too."
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes we don't realize what we want until we just know. And sometimes we realize that certain things are worth fighting for. Starts a day or two after the scene in 11x08. Timeline may not be perfectly canon.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: This chapter was a little difficult to write...so I hope it lives up to expectations. I could see it in my head, but not sure if it translated as well as I would have liked! Thank you all again for continuing to read -- your comments and constructive criticism mean the world to me! :)
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Callie
It isn't until much, much later that night that I finally get to speak to Arizona again. She'd had back to back surgeries into the evening, and then had briefly replied to my text that she was "with Herman" after that. Part of me wanted to sneak past their lounge and see if she actually was there or if she was just avoiding me, but I figured it was best to give her the benefit of the doubt if I was going to continue to earn her trust back.
As I settle into bed, I vaguely wonder when we both stopped trusting each other in the first place. For me, the cheating had done it. Arizona had been the one person I never, ever thought would cheat on her marriage -- the one person I had trusted completely with my heart. For her, had it been the amputation? Or had it started long before that, with Sofia's conception? With my unwillingness to follow her to Africa? We had touched on the issue in therapy, but I never felt like we got anywhere with it. It frustrates me to no end. I want that trust back.
I study the phone held in my hand, my thumb scrolling absently back and forth over her name in my contacts as I contemplate making the call.
"I can't believe you didn't know if I was your girlfriend or not."
I trace my finger along her bare shoulder as we lay facing each other in bed, a rare lazy Sunday descending upon us like a warm blanket.
Her eyes drift up to meet mine, and she watches me, studying me in the quiet way she does sometimes.
"I didn't want to assume."
"You must have had tons of girlfriends before me, I figured you'd be used to it."
She shifts a bit, and I let my fingers trace lazily down along her perfect collarbone, not noticing the sudden change in the air.
"Only two, you know."
I look up, brow furrowed slightly at her quiet admission.
"How is that possible?"
Arizona shrugs a little, rolling onto her back.
"I've dated plenty of women. Slept with plenty. But you're only the third serious relationship I've had. I'm not entirely practiced in this."
"Hey," I shift closer, wrapping an arm around her midsection and leaning up on my other elbow to look at her, "well you're pretty amazing at it, just so you know. You're an incredible girlfriend."
"Tell that to the one who cheated on me after four years. Or the one who decided I was 'too difficult' after two."
There's a trace of hurt and uncertainty in her voice that I've very rarely heard from her, and it takes me by surprise. The paediatric surgeon always exudes confidence.
"I'm probably just not worth the commitment."
I press my hand to her jaw and tilt her face gently, forcing her to look at me.
"Arizona, you have no idea how amazing you are. I don't know what was wrong with those women, but they were clearly idiots."
She pulls away, shaking her head with a forced smile.
"Callie, don't. Let's just enjoy our Sunday off."
She rolls to face me again, sliding her hand under the blankets to smooth over my waist, pressing closer.
"No," I cup her cheek and meet her eyes, holding her gaze until I'm sure she's not going to look away again, "Arizona, listen to me. I am in this, I'm committed. To me, you are worth...everything. You have to trust me."
There are three words I so desperately want to add. Words I've been starting to feel for awhile now, that I know are true. I already trust her completely with my heart, as if it's pure instinct. But something inside me is terrified of exposing myself first; terrified to tell her that.
"Don't you see? That's the problem," she whispers, nuzzling her face into my neck with a soft, almost hesitant sigh, "I do trust you, Calliope. More than either of them."
I press the button and hold the phone to my ear, desperately hoping that she's home and that she'll pick up. We need to talk about what happened at lunch. I'm not going to let this set back any progress we've made.
"Callie?"
When she answers her voice sounds tired, although thankfully not as if I've woken her from sleep. I glance at the bedside clock and see that it's nearing one in the morning, but I guess I'm not the only one who's restless tonight.
"Hey," I start quietly, "I'm glad you answered. I hope I didn't wake you..."
"You didn't," she sighs, "I got home awhile ago, but I haven't been able to fall asleep."
I can picture her; curled up on her side, blonde curls spread across the pillow, blankets pulled up to her chin like they always are when she can't sleep. Like she's trying to make a safe little cocoon.
"I wanted to talk about earlier..."
"I'm sorry I said it," she cuts me off quietly, "I didn't mean it like that."
Rolling to settle on my back, I draw the pillow over from the other side of the bed, hugging it against my torso.
"You did mean it, though. You don't say things you don't mean."
I hear blankets rustle, and it takes her a minute to respond.
"Honestly? I was hurt. That night..." she hesitates, her voice dropping to a quiet pitch, "I thought that night meant something at the time, Callie. I thought...when we were laying in bed after, and you were curled up around me, I really felt like things were going to be okay. I was devastated the next day to learn that they weren't. That it had been...some kind of goodbye."
I close my eyes, remembering that night in this very bed. I don’t regret it, but I do regret how it made Arizona feel. It wasn’t something I even thought about at the time.
“I never meant it to be...I didn’t want to hurt you intentionally, Arizona. Please trust me when I say that.”
I’m met with nothing but silence from the other end of the phone, so I take a breath and speak again.
“I had been thinking about it for awhile,” I admit quietly, staring up at the dark ceiling, “I think I knew about halfway through that we weren’t going to be able to fix anything, that...it was just all too much. But I couldn’t admit it. I just couldn’t. That night...I just needed to be with you. I needed to feel like you wanted me. That you were even still attracted to me after everything.”
There’s still a painful silence hovering between us.
“I guess...I wanted to see if it could change anything...I was trying to stick another band-aid on. I'm sorry.”
Swallowing past a lump that’s forming in my throat, I wipe at my eyes in the dark. I had been so blinded by a desperate hope that we could magically fix all our problems.
I can hear a slight rustling - the only thing letting me know that she’s still on the other end of the line, and if nothing else it comforts me a little.
“Calliope Torres,” my name falls from her lips in a heartfelt tone, “there has not been a day in the last five and a half years that I have not been attracted to you. Not a single day.”
I scoff a little, unintentionally, but she immediately picks up on it.
“I mean that, Calliope. I have been so mad I just wanted to shake you, and so hurt and emotionally damaged that I didn’t want to talk to you, or even be around you, and there was a time I couldn't be with you because I was insecure about myself - but when I see you, every time I see you, I want you. You are the most beautiful, heart-stoppingly gorgeous woman I have ever met. You may still have some doubts about me, but don't you ever doubt that.”
She finishes on a small sigh, her voice filled with honesty and almost a tone of reverence. I wipe at my eyes again, willing myself to respond.
“I’m so sorry, Arizona...”
“Don’t...don’t,” she murmurs into the phone, “it’s okay, I believe you. We’ve both made mistakes.”
I sniffle a little, curling onto my side with the pillow still clutched in my arms.
“Are we...?”
She seems to know just what I need, and she doesn’t hesitate.
“We’re going to be okay.”
There’s another long pause between us, neither of us seeming to make any motion to hang up the phone. I don’t want us to. We haven’t stayed on the phone all night in years, hadn’t really had reason, or opportunity to. But I’ve always felt a certain sense of peace knowing she’s on the other end.
“How come we couldn’t have talked like this before?” I murmur, sighing a little, “Why didn’t we ever just...talk?”
“I don’t know,” she answers honestly after a pause, “but we’re talking now.”
A yawn suddenly escapes me, sleep finally starting to settle over my mind now that we’ve cleared the air between us.
“Always?”
I hear her soft breathing in my ear, and it just serves to calm me even further. She's my favourite lullaby.
“Always.”
*
Arizona
I wake up, rolling over with a yawn, and hear a thud as something heavy falls from the blankets onto the floor. I look over the side of the bed and see my phone, and I smile when I remember why it was in bed with me in the first place.
Scooping it up, I see that it disconnected at some point during the night, so I send off a quick text to Callie instead.
-When are you off tonight? Maybe the three of us can have supper.
I set the phone aside and rub my eyes, sighing tiredly before I push myself up to the edge of the bed, reaching for my leg. I’ve barely slipped the sophisticated piece of machinery on when my phone chimes with a reply, and I grin as I read it, heading over to the closet to find some clothes for the day.
-6:30, you? I took a poll, and we would both love that. Sof wants your mac and cheese
-I can arrange that. Should be done by 6, so I’ll pick her up
-Can’t wait. See you at home if not before.
I read her last text over a few times, feeling another smile creep up. Callie was right last night - why couldn’t we have just talked before? We’d been in a relationship for five years, married for three, and...we’ve probably spoken more honestly and fully to each other in the past two months than we ever did then. If we had just done things differently, if we just hadn’t both been so stubborn...
I sigh, tossing the phone on the bed while I go about getting ready. I need to stop having regrets and just be happy that we’re moving forward - better late than never, right?
As I stand at the mirror and quickly smooth down my unruly curls, my eyes fall to the small black jewelry box sitting on the dresser. Part of me feels like it’s too soon; we’re still on somewhat unsteady ground, which is the exact opposite of what that little box represented when I got it. But yet...I pick it up, pulling the top open to see the small gold heart nestled inside.
My heart does still belong to her. And now, she wants it again.
Gently pulling the chain from the box I lift it around my neck, clasping it and letting it fall into place above my breasts.
It feels like coming home.
*
Later on that day, I spot my favourite neurosurgeon at the coffee cart and sidle over beside her, handing over a few dollars to the girl as I order my coffee.
“So,” I lower my voice a little, standing close to the other doctor, “how’s Herman doing? She seemed a little off her game after her appointment with you.”
The girl from the cart passes over my coffee, and I turn to walk with Amelia, giving her a concerned glance. I hadn’t been at my mentor’s scan this morning because we’d had an emergency with one of our post-ops, and she insisted that she’d be fine on her own. But she’d been...quiet after lunch. She had barely said a thing about it.
“You should talk to her.”
Furrowing my brow a bit, I look over at my friend.
“She listed me as...next of kin last week. You know you can tell me what’s going on. I need to know, Amelia. The only reason I wasn’t there this morning is because I was dealing with one of our patients.”
She sips her coffee, glancing around as we head toward the lounge, and lets out a slight sigh.
“I know.”
Grabbing her forearm, I stop her movements, turning to face her. I have always been able to read Amelia Shepherd like a book, and that hasn't changed one bit over the years.
“Amy...”
“It’s not going to be long, Arizona. On the scan this morning...the tumour has grown. A lot since last time. We might be looking at a few days before surgery needs to happen. I’d say a week at most, and honestly that's probably generous.”
I feel myself inhale sharply, a sudden feeling of panic gripping my chest. Despite how our relationship started out, I’ve grown to care for the older doctor over the last few months. And while we all knew this day would come, it never felt like it would be quite this soon.
“Yeah,” Amelia just lets out a sigh, almost like she’s already steeling herself for the fight, “I wouldn’t make too many plans for the next few days.”
“I’m moving back in with Callie this weekend.”
I say the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of how inappropriate it may be at that very moment. I know if I dwell on Nicole and her surgery, it won't be doing anybody any favours.
The brunette's lips twitch into a small smile, and she nudges my shoulder as we continue our walk down the hall.
“Glad you went with your gut, Robbins. You’re happy about it, right?”
I smile then too, looking over to meet her eyes.
“I can’t wait.”
“You should tell Herman that. She’s completely rooting for you guys, it’s kinda sweet. Who knew she had a soft side?”
I blink a little, downing the rest of my coffee in a quick gulp.
“Wait, what did she say?”
Amelia just grins, turning into the lounge and leaving me behind her.
“Oh, we talked about you guys all morning.”
*
We have another successful surgery that afternoon, and Herman really is happy for me, despite, of course, starting the conversation with an “I told you so.” I can’t drag out of her what she talked about with Amelia - all I get is a smirk, which worries me knowing her - but she seems genuinely pleased about the whole thing.
I, meanwhile, am just growing more and more worried about her. But that's not something she lets me voice, so I leave it be for today.
Soon enough I’m done for the day, so I head up to daycare and collect a bubbly, excited little girl. I grin as she runs over to me and scoop her into a hug, nuzzling her silky hair; it doesn’t matter what kind of day I have, hearing her delighted, innocent little giggle instantly makes everything 110% better. I sign her out and take her hand, heading downstairs and out to the car. She tells me about her day at preschool, and then about the Play-Doh frogs she was making with Zola when I interrupted - although she then assures me that it was okay to interrupt, because we were having supper together.
It strikes me as I listen to my daughter’s voice how very, very much I do want another child with Callie. After the miscarriage, after feeling that devastation, I’d told myself that it didn’t matter - that I didn’t really want another anyway. I tried to convince myself that it had probably been a good thing I lost the baby. But the truth is...I have loved every minute of being Sofia’s mother. Of course the surrogate idea had turned into a complete mess on us after that, but I still feel the yearning for more.
After getting settled in the car and heading out we stop at the grocery store on the way home, picking up all the ingredients for grandma Barbara’s famous mac and cheese recipe - one of the few dishes I actually excel at cooking. After some cajoling by Sofia, I also grab a bottle of sugary grape juice as a treat, because really, tonight is a sort of celebration. It certainly is for me, anyway.
"Mama? Mama!"
I look down when the small child tugs at my hand on the way back to the car, carefully glancing both ways as we cross the parking lot.
"Yes, baby?"
"Mommy is coming for supper too?"
Lifting both her and the bags into the backseat, I can't help smile at her question.
"Yep. We're all having supper at home, together."
I get her strapped in, and she seems to be contemplating my answer, a serious, thoughtful look coming over her face.
"I like when we together."
*
Callie
The house smells amazing when I get home after work. God, I haven't come home to the smell of supper in...almost half a year now. At most there's been a babysitter there, and more often than not it's just me and Sofia coming home to a dark, cold house. I'd forgotten how nice it could be.
There are lights on in the living room, and the kitchen at the back of the house, and I can hear Arizona and Sofia talking and giggling over something that is apparently terribly amusing. I make my way down to the kitchen and find myself standing on the threshold, completely unnoticed. The scene in front of me brings a grin to my face though.
"Mama, no! I want to do it."
The blonde hands over a set of wooden spoons and slides the salad bowl over in front of our daughter, who is perched on a chair to bring her up to counter height.
"But gently this time, right sweetie? Not like the bread crumbs please."
Sofia waves the spoons around a bit before shoving them into the bowl of lettuce and slowly, if a little haphazardly, mixing them around.
"I got it, don't worries."
I pull my phone out and snap a quick picture, knowing the sound of the camera will give me away.
"It's like Master Chef in here! Wow, it smells amazing."
I walk around the island and drop a kiss on Sofia's head, but she barely even looks up, choosing to concentrate on the task at hand. Arizona turns and smiles when I press a kiss to her temple too, and I feel like the pure domestic bliss of this moment is instantly burned into my memory. To me, this is perfection.
"Supper's just about ready, you're just in time."
Arizona squeezes my waist and slips around me to the oven, grabbing the oven mitts on the counter.
"How was your day? I don't think I even saw you in passing."
I lean beside Sofia and watch as she pulls the fragrant casserole out of the oven, silently admiring the toned muscles of her arms in the t-shirt she's wearing. And the way she looks in those jeans. She sets the dish on the counter and shuts off the oven, turning and giving me an amused glance.
"Callie?"
"Hm?" I look up, blinking a bit, "Oh! Yeah, day was good. I did two knee replacements, and spent some time working in the prosthesis lab."
She helps Sofia finish with the salad and lifts her down from the chair, handing me the bowl and pointing me toward the already-set table.
"How's that coming lately?"
Unable to help myself, I wrap my free arm around her waist and tug her a step closer, lightly dropping a kiss on her lips.
"Mm, it's going really great. You know, just casually creating groundbreaking robotics."
"Mommy!"
Both of us look over toward the table and Sofia is just standing there, hands on her little hips, giving me a raised eyebrow that is not at all unlike her blonde mother's.
"Stop kissin. I'm hungry!"
"But I love kissing Mama. I'm so happy she's here."
I see Arizona glance at me, a questioning look in her eyes -- I know she's thinking we should have the talk with our daughter, but everything right now seems to be falling into place so simply.
I do pull away though, crouching down to the child's level to look at her.
"Sof...Mama is going to live here again. She's going to move back from Uncle Alex's house. Isn't that good news?"
The girl's expression changes, her eyebrows knit together in thought.
"You said you didn't wanna live with Mama anymore."
She looks at Arizona, and the blonde comes closer, smoothing a hand protectively over the small head of dark hair.
"I know, sweetie. But mama and I have talked a lot, and even though we were really angry, and really sad with each other...we still love each other very much. So we decided not to fight anymore."
Arizona crouches too, wrapping her arms loosely around the child's middle.
"And I missed living with you and Mommy so, so much, Sofia. I love both of you more than anything."
She twists a bit to look at her mother, then looks back at me again, thoughtfully taking in our words.
"Did you be married again?"
Completely taken aback at her question, I blank a bit and glance to Arizona for help. She seamlessly takes over and yet again, I can't help admire the ease she has with our daughter.
"No...we're not, but we still want to be together as a family. Because it wasn't much fun being a family but being apart, was it?"
Her nose wrinkles up -- also, I notice, a very Arizona expression -- and she gives us a somewhat exasperated sigh.
"It was no fun at all. Together is better."
Arizona smiles at me over her head, kissing her cheek and pushing herself back to standing.
"I agree. Much better."
I look back at our daughter, smoothing her t-shirt down on her belly.
"Do you...have any questions, Sof?"
"Yah."
She turns and heads to the table, climbing nimbly up onto her chair.
"Can we have mac an' cheeses now?"
*
After supper and a hundredth or so re-watch of Frozen, Sofia is finally tucked into bed and fast asleep, and I trail down the hall toward to kitchen to see where Arizona disappeared to after kissing her goodnight and leaving story time to me.
The light above the counter is on in the kitchen and I find the blonde standing at the sink washing up some dishes from earlier, and -- I pause just a few steps behind her as I approach -- singing under her breath. I groan inwardly at the familiar tune. That damn song from the movie.
"Please tell me you're going to stop singing that song."
Sidling up behind her, I wrap my arms loosely around her hips and lean my chin on her shoulder with a dramatic sigh.
"Why, Calliope, is there a problem? Let it gooo, let it gooooo..."
I groan, pulling back as she starts laughing. Her laughter is music to my ears -- but seriously, I cannot hear that song one more time.
"You do know that Sofia and I already decided to be Elsa and Anna for Halloween, right?" she rinses the last dish and sets it in the drying rack, grabbing the towel to dry her hands before hanging it back over the handle of the oven.
"Wait, if you're Elsa and she's Ana, then who am I?"
Arizona bites her lip a little, trying to hold back a grin. I raise an eyebrow questioningly, hands coming to rest on my hips. This can't be good.
"She wants you to be Sven."
I'm sure the look I give her is a horrified one, because she bursts out laughing again.
"Oh my god. I can't even be the snowman? I have to be the deer?"
"Reindeer," she corrects matter-of-factly, "and you'll have to take that up with little miss."
She grins, patting my cheek lightly.
"Don't worry, you have like seven months to convince her otherwise."
I catch her wrists and place her arms around my neck as I let my own slide over her waist once more, pulling her into an embrace. Leaning in, I nuzzle her cheek and kiss her softly before I reply.
"You two are impossible."
Blue eyes meet mine and she smiles, letting her fingers slip in under my hair to caress my neck.
"But you love us."
I kiss her again, sighing softly as she relaxes against me.
"That I do. Tonight went well, didn't it?"
I pose the question quietly, watching her eyes for an answer. I think tonight went really well -- Sofia seemed to understand our explanation, at least for now, and we'd had a really, really nice family evening. It felt so comfortable having Arizona back in the house like this, moving around her and sharing the space, seemingly in sync again like we'd been years ago.
"I think tonight went really well. I had a wonderful night, Callie. And Sofia was happy."
"I'm happy too."
This time she's the one who kisses me, and she keeps it soft and sweet and lazy as we stand with our arms around each other. I sigh happily against her, letting my fingers just graze over bare skin under the hem of her shirt.
"Can we make a rule?" I pull back as we break apart, resting my hands on her hips lightly, "At least twice a week, we do family dinner, just like this. More if possible, but I mean, our schedules are always going to be kind of crazy."
Arizona's face brightens at the idea, and she immediately nods in agreement.
"At least twice a week. We make every effort possible."
"Now that's settled..." I lean in and nuzzle her ear again lightly, hearing the slight catch in her breath as I do, "Do you want to just stay here tonight?"
"Mm, no...as tempting as that is, I have to be in really early tomorrow and I didn't bring anything with me. I should just go home to Alex's tonight."
She pulls out of my arms, glancing over at the clock above the table, and I sigh inwardly. I'm just impatient now for her to be here, and two more days seems far too long to wait.
I walk with her as she heads down to the front door, and I grab her jacket from the hooks on the wall, handing it to her with a small smile.
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
Taking her jacket, she rests a hand on my arm and leans up, kissing me slowly.
"I love you. See you tomorrow, Calliope."
It's only when she pulls back this time that I see the glint of a gold chain around her neck, and my heart catches in my throat a little as I stare at it. I reach over and slide my finger along the neckline of her shirt, gently pulling the chain over the fabric to find the small heart pendant I know is hanging at the end. I run my thumb over it gently, looking up to meet her eyes.
"You're wearing it again."
She looks down at the pendant as I let it go, softly placing it down against her chest.
"It felt like time," she fingers it carefully, giving me a small smile.
My smile broadens, and my heart pounds with the sheer love I feel for this woman. I pull the door open reluctantly for her and wait as she steps outside to leave.
"I love you too."