So I was talking to James over the last few weeks. He's always been someone I could talk to. Anyway I wasn't purposely trying to hide it but I felt like Tommy was getting weird about it so I just tried not to make it obvious. I tell Tommy everything but just felt weird about him reading my conversation. So I deleted it which made him think shit ( Read more... )

I'm so fucking pissed at myself. Puking has become a necessity and a chore. Not occasional. It's a constant.

I'm pissed bc I forgot how much self hatred came with this. I'm so fucking hyper aware of what I look like every second. I feel like a beast. I don't wanna see anyone. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to even look at myself. I just want ( Read more... )

I can't believe how bad I feel. I can't believe how quick I've lost control of my puking. I thought I could just do it occasionally and now I can't stop. I'm so so angry with myself. I don't eat anything with intentions on throwing up but then after I just can't take it. Why did I do this to myself? Why do I have no self control?

All I can think ( Read more... )

My head is getting so obsessed. It's sooo frustrating. I'm back to being so hyper aware of what I look like every minute. It makes me so uncomfortable to be around people I just want to hide.

I threw up twice already today and the only thing I kept down was a half a cup of cereal and some crackers. I ate chicken nuggets and some fries for dinner bc ( Read more... )

I just choked on my vomit so bad. I hate myself. I'm so angry I'm doing this. My teeth are starting to hurt and I know I can't continue. I ate dry ass chips and tried to vomit them immediately without drinking anything and I literally choke and can't breathe. It comes up with such force and scares me because it's hard to not breathe it in.

I just ( Read more... )

Why. Can't. I. Just. Stop. Puking? I'm so fucking out of control of myself. My head is so fucked up I feel like I'm breaking apart. Please just make that voice in my head go awwy. I know I'm bloated from my period but the minute I look at my stomach I just know I cant keep anything down. God I hate myself. I can't go on like this. I spent my entire ( Read more... )

I'm still at a loss for words. Idk what to say. I threw up a few times yesterday but the last one I choked on bad. I know it was loud. I hate that so fucking much. I just wanna wear my mask and say everyrhing is OK. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I don't want to be a sob story. I just want to be normal on the outside and self destruct in ( Read more... )

I didn't think I'd be battling feelings of suicide at this point. I don't even know why. The only way to ever lose weight is to hate myself. Hating myself leads to restricting and then purging when I lose control. The self loathing then causes this intense feelings. I know I can't because of addy but I just feel myself slipping and it really hurts ( Read more... )

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I haven't written in here in a long time but I figured since I'm drunk and honest I would. My guilt is drowning me right now. I'm down to 1mg of methadone and almost off finally after spending so much of my life on opiates. Idk if I can do it. I thought I was over all this but I really don't know if I am. I look at my daughter and know that part of ( Read more... )