(no subject)
I didn't think I'd be battling feelings of suicide at this point. I don't even know why. The only way to ever lose weight is to hate myself. Hating myself leads to restricting and then purging when I lose control. The self loathing then causes this intense feelings. I know I can't because of addy but I just feel myself slipping and it really hurts. I just want to be OK again.
It's crazy to me how a few months ago I was eating what I wanted and was carefree about so much. And as soon as I let the feelings back in, the floodgates opened and all the bad came with the good. I literally feel like I'm drowning but just enough to get a breath in and not die. It feels foreign to me bc I was numbed on opiates for so long. Don't get me wrong, there were times with many tears while I was using but this is different. I just don't know how to do any of this. I feel like a terrible mom. I have no patience. Why is getting off the couch so fucking hard? I'm usually OK in the beginning of the day but after addy gets home from school, I can't handle it. Why is it so hard and feel like too much to just get me and her showered? I look at all the things other people do in a day and I don't get why I can't. I don't want to be lazy. I'm not a lazy person. I just feel like I mentally and physically can't do it. I feel like I'm not pulling my weight as a partner and I just hate myself. I want these rainclouds to go away. I want to have my energy back. I don't want to look like this anymore. I feel like drugs changed me fundamentally at my core. And I don't like who I am. And I have so many regrets that I've made this my life and I have no one to blame but myself. I used to be patient and kind and never angry. But I guess I was also a naive pushover as well. It was my dream to be a mom and now the thought of being pregnant makes me want to scrape my skin off. I will keep wondering how different and happy my life could've been if I could've just been born someone else.