(no subject)
I'm still at a loss for words. Idk what to say. I threw up a few times yesterday but the last one I choked on bad. I know it was loud. I hate that so fucking much. I just wanna wear my mask and say everyrhing is OK. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I don't want to be a sob story. I just want to be normal on the outside and self destruct in peace.
I'm so scared I'm pregnant. I know I'll have my answer in a few days but the waiting is killing me. I'm not ready. I'm not mentally stable at all and sometimes I wonder if literally anyone has noticed that I'm so far over the fucking edge that I feel like I'll never be okay again. I have zero self control. Im terrible at resisting and even worse and not purging. I don't think I can handle the weight gain, I can't eat properly. I just fucking can't handle life right now.
I still haven't cut myself but it's been so fucking hard. I'm terrified of anyone seeing it. Especially addy. She's so observant and smart and I don't know how to hide it especially with me being naked around Tommy more. I don't want to disappoint anyone and I hate the look I know I will get. The inevitable worry and I will just feel so fucking guilty. I feel paralyzed right now. I'm so low and too afraid to get help bc I'm scared of medication, could I really be honest with a therapist about all the bullshit in my past? No!, and I don't even know where to start. I just want to wake up tomorrow and stop hating everything about who I am.
But that will never happen. Today's 4 weeks off my methadone and I'm dying on the inside. I can't go a single day without a drink. I just feel like a waste of space and I'm so fucking stressed. Please just make this go away.