(no subject)
Why. Can't. I. Just. Stop. Puking? I'm so fucking out of control of myself. My head is so fucked up I feel like I'm breaking apart. Please just make that voice in my head go awwy. I know I'm bloated from my period but the minute I look at my stomach I just know I cant keep anything down. God I hate myself. I can't go on like this. I spent my entire life hating myself and I look at pictures like wtf was wrong with me?! Why did I waste all that fucking time?
I hate feeling like all I do is write the most depressing shit in here but if I don't get it out I feel like I might explode. I don't want to tell anyone how I truly feel. I feel so guilty for being back here. I can't keep getting this fucked up either. My head is just going to bad places and thinking about things that I haven't thought about in a long time. It hurts so fucking bad. This time is going to go by and I'll hate I spent it like this. I'll hate that I couldn't just buck up and get this fucking weight off me and not hate myself. I don't know how to do it right. I fall baxk into old mindsets and fuck everything up like always.
I know I can't be doing this. I know I can't. But I just can't stop. Sometimes I just want to die. I still haven't cut myself despite wanting to so bad. I know it will be foujd no matter where I do it on my body and I don't want to feel the disappointment. I already feel like the worst fucking person for feeling like this. Why am I back here? Why was i fucking 30lbs less last February and gained all the fucking weight back. It's an endless cycle. I can't stop weighing myself or making my self worth equate to a number on a scale. I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn't let addy have a bad body image like I did and I'm already fucking it up. I don't even know what to say anymore.