(no subject)
I'm so fucking broken
I really don't know how I've fallen so far so fast. I tried to reach out for help but I fall right back into the secrecy. I'm 3 weeks off my methadone and craving that release. I feel like I've lost all control. I was only throwing up every few days. Then it was only once a day. Now it's 4-5 times a day. I regret telling him. I just want to be left alone. I can't be at this weight another minute yet I have no fucking self control. I never thought I would be back here, it's been 13 fucking years. I was young then and thought I was just insecure.
I always think about what my life could've been like if I wasn't born like this. Why do some people get to be so beautiful and thin without even fucking trying? Why can't I just diet the healthy way? Every single time I try to starve myself I start obsessing about food. Then I can't resist. So I eat. So I puke. My teeth are not what they used to be and they will never survive this. The drug use I fought to get past have taken its toll on my teeth.
I just want to feel sexy again. I look back at old pictures and wonder if I'll ever feel that thin or beautiful again. Will I ever be that confident again? Will I ever be able to be confident enough again to have sex when I'm not drunk? Goddammit I am just so exhausted of hating myself, trying to pretend I don't and falling back into old habits.
I've fought the urge to cut myself even though I feel like I'm screaming on the inside for a release. The release that drugs used to bring but don't anymore. I hate that I told him and I wish I didn't. I tried to do the right thing bc I know how this all ends. Why can't I just be OK? I just want that release but I know he will see it. Addy might see it. I just feel fucking alone still with these feelings. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I try to open up bc I don't want to be this way but shut down anyway when I really need support.
I wish I was brave enough to go on meds. But I'm also terrified bc last time I was on them I gained weight. I'm terrified to get pregnant bc I don't know if I'm strong enough to eat right and do the right thing. I have to just tell myself I don't care and just try to keep pushing through. But it gets harder and harder to pretend I'm OK and fight back the tears. I want to be strong and show him I'm OK but I'm just not. Idk if I ever will be. Sometimes I wish I could just be completely alone and crawl into a hole to self destruct. But I can't. There are people who depend on me now. I thought time would make it better, I thought I'd feel better off my methadone. I know it's only been 3 weeks and maybe I'm adjusting but I just feel myself losing all control with purging. God I don't want to go back to that dark place. I just fucking hate myself so much. I remember how bad it truly was and how hard it was getting past it. Me and Tommy were new then. I felt like we could conquer the world together. I know we still love each other and I know he's still there for me but that feeling of us against the world feels different somehow. Idk. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I'm just truly broken and there is no helping me.
I was so proud I tapered off my methadone. It was so goddamn hard I really never thought I could do it. But I did. But I still don't feel strong. I fight the urges all the time. I just want to be numb and out of my head bc these feelings are too much. I fucking hate being soo weak. I've always been this way and sometimes I don't even know how I survived all the shit that I did. Please god just give me self control. Let me lose this weight and feel like me again. Please I can't live my life like this anymore. I compare myself to every beautiful woman I see. Tommy's sisters are so beautiful, his exes are beautiful and then there's me. Who completely just stopped caring after addy and now look like this.
I just can't take it. And I know I'm so wrong for this and it hurts so fucking bad. Guess I just have to find that self control and go back to restricting again. I lost 13 lbs. I had lost a few more but gained them back bc purging just doesn't do it. I will have control. I will lose this. I know it's wrong but I just can't stop. I just want to be who I used to be.