(no subject)
I can't believe how bad I feel. I can't believe how quick I've lost control of my puking. I thought I could just do it occasionally and now I can't stop. I'm so so angry with myself. I don't eat anything with intentions on throwing up but then after I just can't take it. Why did I do this to myself? Why do I have no self control?
All I can think about every second is what I look like. Especially during sex. Unless I'm so fucked up I barely know what end is up then I'm not aware of anything but I'm tired of having to be that messed up to be OK. Getting off my methadone has destroyed my mental state. I'm just a fucking mess and I don't know how to fix this. Why can't I just not be me anymore?