I get jealous really easily. One time I was peeing in a public restroom, and I noticed that the guy next to me had a urinal cake in his urinal whereas mine didn't. Immediately, I lunged at the fellow, attempting to strangle him. Luckily for him, I slipped on my own pee puddle (I was too busy looking at his toilet to aim properly into mine), and he ( Read more... )

The Misadventures of Tom Lawyer, by Andrew Jones ( Read more... )

I think the most important skill in the world is digging. For example, the other day my pet fish died. Her fish ghost appeared in my dreams, saying "Andrew, you must give me a proper burial or else you will experience some minor inconveniences." As every skillful digger knows, a proper burial for a fish starts with a hole with a 5 foot radius ( Read more... )

I was about to go into the local nightclub when the bouncer stopped me. He wanted some proof that I was old enough to join in the collective booty shaking of the nightclub, so I ripped off my shirt, revealing long locks of chest hair. It was good enough, and the bouncer let me in ( Read more... )

When I went downstairs to the living room, I saw my family's prized vase, La Vasé de Figarõ, in pieces. I was shocked. The vase was made out of titanium and stainless steel, making it easy to wash, but not easy to break! My parents spent a great deal of money buying the beautiful vase, through 7 easy payments of $999.99 (by VISA ( Read more... )

It's the New Year and I'm feeling great. Hello-o nine, goodbye two thousand and eight ( Read more... )

Monday is a school day and a school day means an update day ( Read more... )

There are jobs that requires a lotta guts to work with. Like being a surgeon

I always see these depressing stories on the news, like "Drunk driver paralyzed from car crash." I think I'll start a newspaper titled Hope that will consist of nothing but happy stories. Headlines include ( Read more... )

Today is Thanksgiving, so here is the story of the Native Americans and the Pilgrims ( Read more... )

So today I was getting a haircut, except the barber was a Communist Soviet spy who didn't realize the Cold War was over. In the middle of the trimming process, the barber shoved a pair of tweezers into my nostril ( Read more... )