-
Super Skinny Me
God.
I've been watching this, and all I've really been thinking about is taking notes. "Oh, this worked really well" and "Wow, I really can lose 7 pounds in one week!" and...
gosh.
I'm seriously screwed up, aren't I? -
The Grand Plan
So I want to lose as much weight as I can as quickly as I can. What's new about that, right?
Problem is that I can't starve myself. No matter how emotional I get about this stuff, I am very careful about doing things that can cause me long-term harm. So I will still be eating. I will still be getting vitamins and minerals. I am not yet too afraid to ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
I don't have anyone to talk to ( Read more... ) -
Return -- again
A lot has happened since my last post. So much that details are kind of fuzzy.
A brief break-down:
I hit 141 pounds and was psyched.
I started seeing a psychologist-in-training through my school's Counseling Services. I made a wonderful connection with her and we started talking through some of my bigger issues. The nature of my school's counseling ( Read more... ) -
Return
The last time I posted was shortly after Thanksgiving last year. I'd love to report that the reason I haven't posted again since is because I've been feeling better, but that would be a blatant lie. The simple truth is that I had to seek more immediate assistance -- not from a professional (though it got close), but from message boards. My ( Read more... ) -
Calming
Even though this very result is why I tell myself I cut, I am always surprised at how calm I am once it's done. I've razored myself a number of lines on my ribs (usually in increments of 5, but sometimes I vary it depending on what I'm doing) and the blood has bubbled to the surface, and... there is utter calm ( Read more... ) -
Happy birthday?
I am never more alone than when I'm with someone.
Today was my birthday. I turned 22.
It sucked.
I don't even care.
I'm just really sad. And I want to cry. A lot. I hate being alone. -
A few quotes
“To you, I need help for these injuries I put unto myself. The blade you see is covered in blood. That blade is my friend, old and true. What you don't see is that these injuries are my help, and you can never be my blade.”
“The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.”
“It wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an escape from everything ( Read more... ) -
Dying inside?
Sometimes I wish I could get crazy enough to commit suicide. I hate living so much of my time the way I am now: doubting people, feeling hated and unwanted, feeling like a failure, failing more because I am so depressed for no goddamn reason. I don't need to be doing this to myself. I have a boyfriend who loves me, a place to live, food to eat, ( Read more... ) -
General malaise
I don't feel very connected anymore.
His birthday was today. It was kind of tame. He says he doesn't mind, but I feel terrible for not giving him the awesome birthday he should have for his 21st. I think he does mind and he's disappointed. I think a lot of things that just never seem to materialize, though. I dunno whether that makes me crazy and ( Read more... )