Its a gorgeous day. I was sitting in the red chair talking to Hayden when I looked outside to see the most beautiful yellow tree. So, I took some pictures of it.


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 This is why I have always shied away from relationships. The uncertainty and insecurity and fragile feelings. And, of course, I had to pick someone who happens to be exactly everything what I said I would never like. Hayden... gah. We had an argument and he said and did some rather shocking things and I've choosen to believe him this time. Just ( Read more... )

 So, time to just face the music. I could feel him drifting away and the interest fading but I don't know how to fix it or be more entertaining. Today he just tells me he's going on a date and might go home with her like that's a normal thing to tell me. And it hurts. Even if it makes sense and I saw it coming, it HURTS. It was so ridiculous to ( Read more... )

 I hate how much I like him inspite of all the REALLY GOOD reasons why I shouldn't. If I could walk away, I would. I really would but I can't. Just when I think I'm fed up, he makes it better again and its so hopeless. Why am I putting myself through this hell? I can feel my heart slowly cracking and I don't know what to do about it other than just ( Read more... )

 I'm so tired of people lecturing me about Hayden and telling me how to feel. The same people that told me to give him a chance are now telling me that I shouldn't talk to him and NONE of them have ever even spoken to him. I LIKE HIM. More than I have ever liked anyone else in my entire life. No, that's not saying much but its saying SOMETHING.

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 Nervous breakdown aside, Ron decided to come into work Monday night when I was supposed to work and thus there was chaos and he was fired and my chest hurt really badly. So, I was kind of relieved because I want to work straight nights Monday thru Friday just to have a set schedule and that was the plan--that when Ron left I could have his slot. ( Read more... )

 I am literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now.

The shifts at the hotel at 7am-3pm, 3pm-11pm, OR 11pm-7am. Only night auditors can work the 11pm-7am shift due to the fact that the audit must be done during that time. Well, I am one of the only two auditors on staff here and I am supposed to work Saturday and Sunday nights while RON ( Read more... )

 I'm starting to think that I could possibly love Hayden. He said that if/when I live in London that...he's afraid he'll fall in love with me gung-ho. Not in those words, though. Just the fall in love thing, not the gung-ho. I added the gung-ho part ( Read more... )

 This has been the hardest few days of my life. I'm so constantly worried that I'm making myself sick. If this was the only way for God to get my attention, its gotten.

If you pray, please pray for me right now. I can't really describe what's going on with me, but know that I need it more than anything right now. I'm falling apart. I'm not as strong ( Read more... )

I feel like I might be perpetually ill. What am I supposed to do now that the one thing that defined me and made me who I am has been taken from me? I don't know what's going to happen now. I don't know if I'll be okay. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to deal with it. I don't even want to admit it happened.

So why can't I get it off my ( Read more... )