Forever & Ever 45
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33| Part 34| Part 35| Part 36| Part 37| Part 38| Part 39| Part 40| Part 41| Part 42| Part 43| Part 44
They were supposed to be sharing the bag of fruity candy, the sort that came in the shape of cute cartoon figures in an array of different colors; red, purple, blue, yellow, green-but Reita realizing that Ruki had favored them, had let the baby as he was sometimes known amongst the members, eat them all. Before he popped them into his mouth, he raised them into the air to see the sun light that in the early morning filled the bright blue sky flow through the candy’s translucent body. The two of them, Reita and Ruki were sitting on the bridge with their legs folded as the early rush hour traffic wisped below them. Right now, in silence.
It was a cold morning. But here, beneath the bright morning sun, they were warm and in their oversized sweaters and ripped up jeans, they looked like two stray cats relaxing in heat of that large yellow star.
When Reita had arrived at his apartment earlier, Ruki was taken aback and he stood there staring at him as the bashful and boyish Reita shifted from side to side looking somewhat awkward. “I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk. I woke up early.” Of course, he was lying. He had stayed up all night, tossing and turning, thinking and finally when he saw the dawn approach, he could bare it no longer and he slipped out of his bed and quickly getting dressed, went straight to Ruki’s house.
“A walk?”
“Mhm.”
Ruki had yet to eat so they stopped at a convenience store and bought juice and junk food before wandering to where they finally decided to sit in the middle of a bridge that arched over a main 4-lane thoroughfare.
“You obviously want to talk,” Ruki finally said at last.
“Yeah…” Reita who had been leaning backwards on his hands, sat up straight. He took a deep breath and a pause, watching the shiny metal cars rushing towards and away from him. “Look, I just wanted to say that I’m not mad at you. But Ruki, honestly, you don’t ever change.”
“Change?”
“Yeah, you’re always so…defensive?” It took him awhile to find the right word. “Everyone loves your passion and your drive but, don’t let it get ahead of you, okay? Like don’t be the type that goes down burning if that makes sense?”
“Burning?”
“By your passion…you know what I mean?”
Ruki stared at his face as he considered his words. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“I take advantage of you sometimes, of your kindness.” He turned and gazed out towards the cars. Beneath them hundreds of people rushed past, hundreds of people with lives or their own, universes of their own, loves of their own, mistakes, passions, regrets. “I’m always apologizing to you.”
“It’s okay. Really, Ruki. It’s okay,” he said his words as if Ruki had bumped into him and he was shrugging it off as nothing.
Turning to Reita, he asked suddenly out of the blue “What do you think about me and him?”
“You and Fuwa?” Reita’s eyes widened and he felt suddenly on the spot. He exhaled and pursing his lips thought about his question. What was he supposed to say? “Um…I can’t quite wrap my head around it….” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.
“You think it’s strange?”
“It is strange. I mean you can’t really deny that right?” He replied with an uncomfortable laugh. “I mean I never even considered it…”
“Do you think it’s disgusting?”
“Disgusting?” Reita shook his head no. “Because of the age difference?”
“Mhm.”
“Hm… Who am I to say anything?” he folded his arms. “I trust him, you know…How could I not, right? And I guess if it’s okay by him, there really isn’t much I can say. I mean and this might sound stupid but I don’t feel that I am in any position to criticize him…I guess I think too highly of him but to be honest, I can’t imagine why he would go for it…Not that you aren’t desirable or anything but…yeah…you understand what I mean?”
“I understand. I think he’s still trying to get used to it too,” Ruki looked down at his hands. “And I should be sympathetic because the weight of the responsibility is on him since he’s older than me and when people look at it from afar, they would think him the culprit but you and I both know that the culprit is always me, always has been…with everything it seems.” Something in his tone changed, something that sounded crestfallen as if he were revealing himself and exposing his vulnerability. It was something rare for him, to talk like this, like someone near defeat. Underneath the glowing morning sun, shining in the sky like a symbol of promise and happiness, his sadness stood out against it like a glaring reminder that life in the end, always disappoints and it was like a gaping hole inside of your soul. Whatever Ruki felt, he felt intensely and that intensity like the sun itself radiated on all those around him. “I don’t understand…what’s so wrong with me?” A bitter smirk arched across his young face. “Is it so wrong to want me? Lately, I think it is…Maybe I’m just tired. I’m tired of messing up with you and hurting you. I’m tired of convincing him. I’m tired of fighting with everything. I wonder when you all will just push me away just like my father pushed me away. I honestly can’t blame you if you did or if Fuwa did. I can’t blame my father. I guess I don’t know how to love someone without hurting them.”
“Ruki, don’t talk like that,” Reita nearly shouted. Scooting over towards him quickly, the swiftness of his movement sent the empty candy bag falling helplessly down to the oncoming traffic. As Ruki watched it diminish, he had the impression that it was almost like an astronaut floating into the oblivion of space, a hopeless being in the realm of stars. No other existence could be so lonely. “Ruki, stop that. Seriously, stop. Just stop. I don’t want to hear anymore, aright. Look at me,” he demanded. “Stop watching that stupid bag, look at me.”
Ruki dragged his eyes up to his. They were like the two large black eyes of sad puppy.
“No one is going to push you away. Ruki, everyone loves you. Everyone. I love you. Our friends love you. Fuwa obviously loves you so get that out of your head okay. And your father is a fucking prick, alright. I’m sorry to say it but he is. If it didn’t bother you, I would deck him in the face and maybe even pay a girl to deck your mom in the face for the shit they did to you. They can say whatever the hell they want but you’re just a kid and you should have been able to live careless and free and without pain because every fucking kid deserves that before they have to deal with the shit of the real world. And fuck him for this shit. Honestly, fuck him. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him,” Reita was livid. His cheeks were flustered and his frustration was so great, his eyes were beginning to water. “If you love someone, you forgive them. I don’t care who you are and a real fucking man would step up and take on the responsibility of fatherhood. So as far as I am concerned, his ass doesn’t count. But in regards to me Ruki, of course I want you. Your problem is not noticing. You think it means kissing and touching and having sex but honestly, that’s not what it’s about at all. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this…” he ran his hands through his hair. “Look Ruki, if you came to me tomorrow and told me that we were going to fucking Antarctica to play rock and roll to the Penguins, I’d get up and go. And you know, so would Aoi and so would Uruha and so would Kai. Now, I don’t know Fuwa that well so I can’t speak for him but for me, I’ll always be here even when you don’t want me to be. Alright? So get that shit out of your head. You’re special, Ruki and everyone knows it.”
Ruki, flattered couldn’t suppress the smile that formed on his face and he looked down shyly. “Thank you,” he mumbled cutely.
Reita exhaled as if he had just gone through a physical trial. “So, let’s just move ahead from here.”
“Okay.”
“Look at me.”
Ruki raised his large eyes to his face and looking up from under his eyelashes, smiled a thin sweet smile.
“You know I love you, right?” he asked, raising a hand to Ruki’s bubbly cheek.
“I know.”
“Say it.”
“You love me,” he grinned, filling in the cup of Reita’s hand with his soft roundness of his cheek.
“Okay,” he nodded curtly. “Don’t forget it.”
***
They had gathered around him as if a show was in progress. The big, strong foreigner hauling old heavy air conditioners from the storage, down the backstairs and into the back seat of his car where he was told to drive them down to a used appliance store. “Would you mind coming over to my work tomorrow, D’Marcus,” Fusayo had asked just before he left the night before. “You see at the office, there are only us women and this old man and we have to get rid of some things that have been cluttering up the place. I’d ask Yutaka but they are extremely heavy and since he relies so heavily on his body to play drums, I wouldn’t want him to hurt himself.” Naturally generous, D agreed without deliberation. He didn’t have any exams for a couple of days so he essentially had some time off.
Moving the air conditioners was a breeze-for someone as strong as D and as he hoisted them into the air with only a small amount of effort, the room erupted in a round of “ahhhhs” and “ohhhs.” He smiled shyly at them before hurrying to social safety down the stairs. When he was gone, the women of the office all turned to Fusayo and bombarded her with questions in their lively feminine chatter. “How do you know him again?” “Isn’t he handsome, do you know if he’s single?” “You old cat, you aren’t chasing after him, are you?” She didn’t have time to answer anything before D marched back up stairs and the room suspiciously went quiet. They all stared at him like a bunch of kids who only seconds ago were goofing off before their teacher stepped into the room.
“Is that the last one?” Fusayo asked him.
“Yup. Is there anything else you need me to move?”
A co-worker of her’s, unable to control herself chimed in a sexual tone “How about remove?” and quickly added under her breath “your clothes…”
Fusayo ignoring her, spoke loudly “Well, I’m going to follow you down with that one so I can give you directions.” Even though that didn’t make much sense to D-since she could easily say it here, he merely nodded and headed into the storage room to retrieve the final machine. With her head held up high, she followed after him.
“So what are they?” he asked immediately after closing the car door. All the old air conditioners were packed in the backseat as if they were a form of physical Tetris.
“Oh, they are simple really. Just stay on this road. Take a right until you see a big Suzuki car lot and then take a left and it should be right there next to a Ramen shop,” she told him the directions in a quick voice almost as if she were hosting an auction. He stared at her blankly for several seconds before a long drawn out Okay escaped his lips. “But there’s something I want to talk to you about D’Marcus,” she said, bringing her hands together.
“What is it?”
“Well…I couldn’t help but notice…the connection-if you will that you have with my son. A very profound bound it seems. I’m not exaggerating, am I?”
“We’re very close.”
She immediately asked sharply “How close?”
“Close.”
“Like lovers close?”
His dark eyes went wide. What was he supposed to say? “Um…” He ran through all the possible scenarios in his head. If he answered honestly, would Kai be angry with him? What if she became upset with Kai?
“You don’t have to answer…he already told me,” she said, seeing the look of distress on his face. He wanted to ask her why she would then question him but thinking against it, he merely looked at her. “So, I know that you two are together and that doesn’t bother me. But D’Marcus, what bothers me is that he told me that you will be leaving soon…” She spoke in a professional manner as if she were in complete control.
“My school year is ending so I’m going back home.”
“And it’s so easy for you to leave someone?”
“If I don’t go back home, it would be almost like I was leaving my family. I mean I haven’t really known Kai-I mean Yutaka that long. It’s kinda crazy to just stay here when my family is back in the States just because of someone I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. I mean don’t get me wrong, I really care about him and I wish it didn’t have to be like this…”
“I see…” She folded her arms and stroking her chin, she considered how she should respond. Certainly what D’Marcus was saying was the most practical option and even the most moral. His family who haven’t seen him in months would want nothing more than to see him again and even though he was an adult, he was in many ways still a kid and his mother certainly missed him. “But if you leave, it could be the end of your relationship with Yutaka, right?”
“Possibly…”
“And you are willing to risk that? I mean, your family isn’t going to go anywhere but your relationship with him could end.”
D’Marcus tilted his head and examined her. Was she really trying to convince him to stay in Japan? He hardly expected that she would do such a thing. “You are a strange woman…” he said in a low voice.
“I am a mother that loves her son and I can tell that he feels strongly for you and you, him. Even if I wasn’t his mother, I would be able to tell. It’s quite obvious. Tell me D’Marcus, have you felt that way for anyone else?”
“No but-”
Before he could say anything, Fusayo continued, talking loudly over him. “What if he is the person you are supposed to be with? What if you never love again? Have you considered that?” She had a way about her that was not unlike one of those benevolent governesses one finds in old movies.
“No.”
“I didn’t think so.” D smiled, amused. It sounded as if she were trying to prove that he was stupid. “I think you really need to think this through before you just do what you are expected to do. If your family really cares about you, they will understand.”
“I can’t just put my life on hold-”
“Don’t give me that! And love is not a part of life? If you ask me, I think it’s the most important thing in life.” She raised her chin proud of herself and satisfied with how things were going.
“Okay,” he conceded. There was no point in trying to argue with her. Like her son, she was adamant and stubborn. “I will think about it.”
“Good.”
“Now, can I go drop these air conditioners off?”
“Yes.”
“It was nice talking to you again,” he bowed slightly before climbing into the car. As he backed out of the small driveway next to her office building, she smiled sweetly and waved goodbye, certain that she had gotten through to him.
***
Miwa was lying on the floor of her trashed apartment watching the sunlight dance along the ceiling as the radio played old enka love songs and the sweet scent of the sea threaded into the filthy room like a godsend through the open windows bare as they have always been, without any curtains or blinds. She didn’t even shift her gaze when she reached over and grabbed her pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, lighting the tip with a cheap convenience store lighter. She let the smoke escape her chapped lips like a snake dancing out of a vase and it seemed to her like the smoke that followed a dying fire.
She always thought that the soul would look something like that, like a body made of smoke. She never bought into the idea that it was a ball of light like a shining star-Aoi always thought that. Of course, he did. Despite what everyone believed, she loved those quiet peaceful moments even when she was young like her son but unlike him who seemed hungry and lusting for life in all its wild excitement, she believed somehow that contentment was the true meaning of happiness. It was this thing inside her that told her otherwise, that made her like a fearful feral cat who, resting out in the sun runs away even into traffic at the sudden approach of a stranger. How did she become so afraid?
Perhaps, she had always been this way. At moments like this-moments that had come too painfully often, she would lapse into trying to figure out why and how. And even, if she could find some origin, she couldn’t erase the guilt or the pain and she would be left feeling almost as if she had been raped by life.
She had been young once.
From this moment at the end of her life, looking back she would sometimes think of that young girl and feel so defensive for her and it would make her so sad that she felt she was going to go mad. Who was to blame? Was she to blame too for what had become of her? How was she to know when to be strong? How was she to know what to say or what to do?
Maybe now, it didn’t matter much anymore.
That was the thought that broke her more than anything else, more than to be cheated of a happy life, the thought that she no longer mattered. What was she to say when people looked at her and she could see in their face disdain for what she was and out of embarrassment and shame she would cuss at them, touch herself vilely-all of which were small ways of acting out, of lying to herself that things weren’t so bad. If she were bold enough, confident enough, then maybe she could cheat sorrow.
But it all seemed trivial now at this moment, lying in the sun. The one thing she had really loved, her son was gone. She had polluted him and for that, she knew she didn’t deserve happiness. If only, she thought closing her eyes tightly, she could go back in time when he was small, when he believed everything she said; when he would pick a bouquet of dandelions and present them to her and she would take them from him with a smile and call him Prince Charming.
That was before he found out that she wasn’t a Princess at all.
Life happens suddenly. It happens so quickly it is almost cruel.
And this is when she gets up and goes to the fridge to pluck out another can of beer. The same thoughts, running over and over and over again. The same result.
You remember that dream you had when you were tiny, Miwa, she would ask herself as she looked at her blurred reflection in the can. The dream that you, a sea girl nearly drowned to death. But no one ever dies in their own dreams, right? Maybe it was a symbol, a symbol for what was to become of you: A drunken used up whore. Lost at sea.
“Life’s a bitch,” she saluted no one. Bottom’s up.
And she would drink until she fell asleep, passed out wherever she was. If she wetted herself in her deep slumber, it didn’t matter much to her when she finally awoke. Even shame loses its luster.
That’s how they found her, sprawled out on the floor in a second hand running suit, sleeping in her own urine, surrounded by beer cans.
“She’s still alive,” Uruha said, getting to his knees. “Why don’t you start a bath for her and I can go get some coffee and some pain killers from the drugstore,” he looked up at Aoi.
“Okay,” he said inaudibly. The sight of seeing his mother like this felt as if he had been stabbed and he stood there, feeling dazed.
“Aoi, stop,” Uruha nearly shouted. Uruha never talked so loudly. “You can’t act like that. You have to get in control and take care of her. You don’t have time to feel horrible. Now go run the bath. I’ll help you get her undressed and carry her to the bath. Now, go.”
Aoi nodded and did as he was told, quickly going to the bathroom where he started the water and rushing back to help Uruha slip his mother out of her soiled clothes. Picking her up in his arms, her head and limbs draped downward as if she were dead. As he held her, they looked like the Pieta-with the son however, holding his mother.
Uruha followed them into the bathroom, making sure that if anything were to happen, he was near enough to help. Aoi slowly laid her body into the warm water and rested her head gently against the wall. The bathroom itself was littered just like the rest of the apartment-grime in the crevices, old shampoo bottles, nondescript trash in the corner, condom packets sprayed across the tiles like a colorful constellation. The sun poured in through the small bathroom window in a bright shaft of light and onto the mother in the bath and danced in the water-a strangely beautiful sight.
“Ma?” he called out in a sweet voice and dipped his hand into the water to grab hers and bringing it to air, he held it tightly in his. “Mama, wake up, Mama. It’s me, Yuu. I’ve come back for you, Mama. We’re going to take care of you, okay?” He smiled as the tears welled in his eyes. He watched her face, ravaged through the years with pain and age. Without her makeup, there was a strange purity about her features and as he saw now, her eyelids squeezed tightly, roused by his voice, he felt a love so powerful overwhelm him that he felt he could explode.
Slowly her eyes opened and the first thing she saw was his face. “Yuu?” Seeing Uruha-the boy she had met many years ago at the retreat standing in the distance, hunched over with his arms folded in the doorway proved to her that she wasn’t dreaming. “Yuu, what are you doing here?” She looked about and realizing she was in the tub naked, she brought her legs up as if to cover herself.
“I’ve come to take you home with me. Look, I got an apartment in Tokyo now and a job and I want you to stay with me, Mama. I miss you. Please say you’ll come with me?”
“Who is that?”
“That’s Uruha.”
“Your boyfriend?”
“Yeah. Give him a chance, he’s a nice guy-a good guy.”
“Why-why am I in this bath tub?” She began to look around and breathe heavily.
“You had an accident when you were sleeping. Look, Uruha, is going to go get us some coffee and some Ibuprofen and something to eat, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’ll leave now,” Uruha bowed curtly and quickly left, leaving the mother and son alone.
Aoi didn’t waste any more time. “Look, Mama, forget about what we said last time. None of that matters. I don’t want to live a life where in order to be happy, I have to lose the ones I love. And you know, if you love someone, you don’t quit on them and I’m not going to quit on you, Mama. I’m going to fight with you, until the end, okay?” He was talking to her as if he were speaking to a child. “I don’t care about the past anymore. All that’s left now is the future so don’t feel guilty or angry. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to be an old man someday regretting that I never saw you again or that I let you drown like this. Maybe Mama, life could be easier if I forgot you and sought after my dreams but they won’t mean anything without you.” He reached over and rested his hand on the side of her face, smiling thinly. “Look I got a good thing going. A band that’s getting more popular day by day, good friends, a steady job, I got the love of my life and even with all of that, I can’t be happy knowing I left you behind.”
“Do you really mean that Yuu?” She smiled at him and as soon as she spoke, she began to cry.
“Yes.”
“You want me to come with you?”
“Please.”
“But you know me, I ruin everything I touch.”
“Mama, you never ruined me. You really don’t have a choice,” he laughed through his tears. “You have to come with me.”
“I have to?”
He smiled and kissing her forehead, repeated “You have to.”
“And if it turns out the same…”
“Then we try again.”
“Can you really be so hopeful?”
“I have no choice. I’m not ready to give up on life.”
She squeezed his hand tightly. “Words of a young man.”
“Maybe I’m naïve,” he looked down. “But you won’t know until you try. Life I’ve learned is kinda like ice-skating, you’re scared as all hell at first but you just have to let go eventually of your fear and just go. Even if in the end, your ass is kissing the ice,” he laughed.
“Since when did you ice skate?” She reached over and started to arrange the strands of his hair.
Just as he replied “Ah… I learned it recently.” Uruha came back and calling out somewhat casually told them that he had returned with the items he was sent out to get.
“The coffee is actually really good,” he said stepping into the bathroom, sipping from the white Styrofoam cup. “Oh! I made this for you, Aoi’s mom,” he reached into his back pocket and awkwardly setting the coffee on the floor, started to unfold a paper crane he had made. “When I was waiting for the drinks, I folded this. He said that you like to drink-I like to drink too but-um,” he had lost his train of thought. After pausing for a moment, he continued “When I was really depressed and sad and I had an addiction-like you have an addiction, Aoi taught me to fold cranes and supposedly they symbolize getting well again and so, I made you this one since we don’t know each other well and I want us to be friends since we are going to be family and all…and…um…so…” He set the crane onto the surface of her bath water and as she stared at him a bit taken aback by how strange he was, the paper bird floated towards her. “I’ll make you more since that one is wet…now…obviously….”
“He’s a bit…weird but he’s cute,” Aoi smiled.
She nodded and then suddenly laughed loudly. “Isn’t this fucking strange?!” The sentimental moment had faded into reality and she realized that bizarreness of the situation.
“Just a bit,” Aoi agreed.
“Well, he can’t stand up straight or speak clearly but he’s beautiful and he’s certainly your type. Now, can you two leave so I can take a bath?”
[A/N Originally I had planned to add that other scene I mentioned in my previous post but since this chappy is so dramatic, I think it best to hold off to the next post. Since Monday is Labor Day, hopefully I can find more time to write.
Cheerio~]
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33| Part 34| Part 35| Part 36| Part 37| Part 38| Part 39| Part 40| Part 41| Part 42| Part 43| Part 44
They were supposed to be sharing the bag of fruity candy, the sort that came in the shape of cute cartoon figures in an array of different colors; red, purple, blue, yellow, green-but Reita realizing that Ruki had favored them, had let the baby as he was sometimes known amongst the members, eat them all. Before he popped them into his mouth, he raised them into the air to see the sun light that in the early morning filled the bright blue sky flow through the candy’s translucent body. The two of them, Reita and Ruki were sitting on the bridge with their legs folded as the early rush hour traffic wisped below them. Right now, in silence.
It was a cold morning. But here, beneath the bright morning sun, they were warm and in their oversized sweaters and ripped up jeans, they looked like two stray cats relaxing in heat of that large yellow star.
When Reita had arrived at his apartment earlier, Ruki was taken aback and he stood there staring at him as the bashful and boyish Reita shifted from side to side looking somewhat awkward. “I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk. I woke up early.” Of course, he was lying. He had stayed up all night, tossing and turning, thinking and finally when he saw the dawn approach, he could bare it no longer and he slipped out of his bed and quickly getting dressed, went straight to Ruki’s house.
“A walk?”
“Mhm.”
Ruki had yet to eat so they stopped at a convenience store and bought juice and junk food before wandering to where they finally decided to sit in the middle of a bridge that arched over a main 4-lane thoroughfare.
“You obviously want to talk,” Ruki finally said at last.
“Yeah…” Reita who had been leaning backwards on his hands, sat up straight. He took a deep breath and a pause, watching the shiny metal cars rushing towards and away from him. “Look, I just wanted to say that I’m not mad at you. But Ruki, honestly, you don’t ever change.”
“Change?”
“Yeah, you’re always so…defensive?” It took him awhile to find the right word. “Everyone loves your passion and your drive but, don’t let it get ahead of you, okay? Like don’t be the type that goes down burning if that makes sense?”
“Burning?”
“By your passion…you know what I mean?”
Ruki stared at his face as he considered his words. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“I take advantage of you sometimes, of your kindness.” He turned and gazed out towards the cars. Beneath them hundreds of people rushed past, hundreds of people with lives or their own, universes of their own, loves of their own, mistakes, passions, regrets. “I’m always apologizing to you.”
“It’s okay. Really, Ruki. It’s okay,” he said his words as if Ruki had bumped into him and he was shrugging it off as nothing.
Turning to Reita, he asked suddenly out of the blue “What do you think about me and him?”
“You and Fuwa?” Reita’s eyes widened and he felt suddenly on the spot. He exhaled and pursing his lips thought about his question. What was he supposed to say? “Um…I can’t quite wrap my head around it….” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.
“You think it’s strange?”
“It is strange. I mean you can’t really deny that right?” He replied with an uncomfortable laugh. “I mean I never even considered it…”
“Do you think it’s disgusting?”
“Disgusting?” Reita shook his head no. “Because of the age difference?”
“Mhm.”
“Hm… Who am I to say anything?” he folded his arms. “I trust him, you know…How could I not, right? And I guess if it’s okay by him, there really isn’t much I can say. I mean and this might sound stupid but I don’t feel that I am in any position to criticize him…I guess I think too highly of him but to be honest, I can’t imagine why he would go for it…Not that you aren’t desirable or anything but…yeah…you understand what I mean?”
“I understand. I think he’s still trying to get used to it too,” Ruki looked down at his hands. “And I should be sympathetic because the weight of the responsibility is on him since he’s older than me and when people look at it from afar, they would think him the culprit but you and I both know that the culprit is always me, always has been…with everything it seems.” Something in his tone changed, something that sounded crestfallen as if he were revealing himself and exposing his vulnerability. It was something rare for him, to talk like this, like someone near defeat. Underneath the glowing morning sun, shining in the sky like a symbol of promise and happiness, his sadness stood out against it like a glaring reminder that life in the end, always disappoints and it was like a gaping hole inside of your soul. Whatever Ruki felt, he felt intensely and that intensity like the sun itself radiated on all those around him. “I don’t understand…what’s so wrong with me?” A bitter smirk arched across his young face. “Is it so wrong to want me? Lately, I think it is…Maybe I’m just tired. I’m tired of messing up with you and hurting you. I’m tired of convincing him. I’m tired of fighting with everything. I wonder when you all will just push me away just like my father pushed me away. I honestly can’t blame you if you did or if Fuwa did. I can’t blame my father. I guess I don’t know how to love someone without hurting them.”
“Ruki, don’t talk like that,” Reita nearly shouted. Scooting over towards him quickly, the swiftness of his movement sent the empty candy bag falling helplessly down to the oncoming traffic. As Ruki watched it diminish, he had the impression that it was almost like an astronaut floating into the oblivion of space, a hopeless being in the realm of stars. No other existence could be so lonely. “Ruki, stop that. Seriously, stop. Just stop. I don’t want to hear anymore, aright. Look at me,” he demanded. “Stop watching that stupid bag, look at me.”
Ruki dragged his eyes up to his. They were like the two large black eyes of sad puppy.
“No one is going to push you away. Ruki, everyone loves you. Everyone. I love you. Our friends love you. Fuwa obviously loves you so get that out of your head okay. And your father is a fucking prick, alright. I’m sorry to say it but he is. If it didn’t bother you, I would deck him in the face and maybe even pay a girl to deck your mom in the face for the shit they did to you. They can say whatever the hell they want but you’re just a kid and you should have been able to live careless and free and without pain because every fucking kid deserves that before they have to deal with the shit of the real world. And fuck him for this shit. Honestly, fuck him. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him,” Reita was livid. His cheeks were flustered and his frustration was so great, his eyes were beginning to water. “If you love someone, you forgive them. I don’t care who you are and a real fucking man would step up and take on the responsibility of fatherhood. So as far as I am concerned, his ass doesn’t count. But in regards to me Ruki, of course I want you. Your problem is not noticing. You think it means kissing and touching and having sex but honestly, that’s not what it’s about at all. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this…” he ran his hands through his hair. “Look Ruki, if you came to me tomorrow and told me that we were going to fucking Antarctica to play rock and roll to the Penguins, I’d get up and go. And you know, so would Aoi and so would Uruha and so would Kai. Now, I don’t know Fuwa that well so I can’t speak for him but for me, I’ll always be here even when you don’t want me to be. Alright? So get that shit out of your head. You’re special, Ruki and everyone knows it.”
Ruki, flattered couldn’t suppress the smile that formed on his face and he looked down shyly. “Thank you,” he mumbled cutely.
Reita exhaled as if he had just gone through a physical trial. “So, let’s just move ahead from here.”
“Okay.”
“Look at me.”
Ruki raised his large eyes to his face and looking up from under his eyelashes, smiled a thin sweet smile.
“You know I love you, right?” he asked, raising a hand to Ruki’s bubbly cheek.
“I know.”
“Say it.”
“You love me,” he grinned, filling in the cup of Reita’s hand with his soft roundness of his cheek.
“Okay,” he nodded curtly. “Don’t forget it.”
***
They had gathered around him as if a show was in progress. The big, strong foreigner hauling old heavy air conditioners from the storage, down the backstairs and into the back seat of his car where he was told to drive them down to a used appliance store. “Would you mind coming over to my work tomorrow, D’Marcus,” Fusayo had asked just before he left the night before. “You see at the office, there are only us women and this old man and we have to get rid of some things that have been cluttering up the place. I’d ask Yutaka but they are extremely heavy and since he relies so heavily on his body to play drums, I wouldn’t want him to hurt himself.” Naturally generous, D agreed without deliberation. He didn’t have any exams for a couple of days so he essentially had some time off.
Moving the air conditioners was a breeze-for someone as strong as D and as he hoisted them into the air with only a small amount of effort, the room erupted in a round of “ahhhhs” and “ohhhs.” He smiled shyly at them before hurrying to social safety down the stairs. When he was gone, the women of the office all turned to Fusayo and bombarded her with questions in their lively feminine chatter. “How do you know him again?” “Isn’t he handsome, do you know if he’s single?” “You old cat, you aren’t chasing after him, are you?” She didn’t have time to answer anything before D marched back up stairs and the room suspiciously went quiet. They all stared at him like a bunch of kids who only seconds ago were goofing off before their teacher stepped into the room.
“Is that the last one?” Fusayo asked him.
“Yup. Is there anything else you need me to move?”
A co-worker of her’s, unable to control herself chimed in a sexual tone “How about remove?” and quickly added under her breath “your clothes…”
Fusayo ignoring her, spoke loudly “Well, I’m going to follow you down with that one so I can give you directions.” Even though that didn’t make much sense to D-since she could easily say it here, he merely nodded and headed into the storage room to retrieve the final machine. With her head held up high, she followed after him.
“So what are they?” he asked immediately after closing the car door. All the old air conditioners were packed in the backseat as if they were a form of physical Tetris.
“Oh, they are simple really. Just stay on this road. Take a right until you see a big Suzuki car lot and then take a left and it should be right there next to a Ramen shop,” she told him the directions in a quick voice almost as if she were hosting an auction. He stared at her blankly for several seconds before a long drawn out Okay escaped his lips. “But there’s something I want to talk to you about D’Marcus,” she said, bringing her hands together.
“What is it?”
“Well…I couldn’t help but notice…the connection-if you will that you have with my son. A very profound bound it seems. I’m not exaggerating, am I?”
“We’re very close.”
She immediately asked sharply “How close?”
“Close.”
“Like lovers close?”
His dark eyes went wide. What was he supposed to say? “Um…” He ran through all the possible scenarios in his head. If he answered honestly, would Kai be angry with him? What if she became upset with Kai?
“You don’t have to answer…he already told me,” she said, seeing the look of distress on his face. He wanted to ask her why she would then question him but thinking against it, he merely looked at her. “So, I know that you two are together and that doesn’t bother me. But D’Marcus, what bothers me is that he told me that you will be leaving soon…” She spoke in a professional manner as if she were in complete control.
“My school year is ending so I’m going back home.”
“And it’s so easy for you to leave someone?”
“If I don’t go back home, it would be almost like I was leaving my family. I mean I haven’t really known Kai-I mean Yutaka that long. It’s kinda crazy to just stay here when my family is back in the States just because of someone I’ve been seeing for a couple of months. I mean don’t get me wrong, I really care about him and I wish it didn’t have to be like this…”
“I see…” She folded her arms and stroking her chin, she considered how she should respond. Certainly what D’Marcus was saying was the most practical option and even the most moral. His family who haven’t seen him in months would want nothing more than to see him again and even though he was an adult, he was in many ways still a kid and his mother certainly missed him. “But if you leave, it could be the end of your relationship with Yutaka, right?”
“Possibly…”
“And you are willing to risk that? I mean, your family isn’t going to go anywhere but your relationship with him could end.”
D’Marcus tilted his head and examined her. Was she really trying to convince him to stay in Japan? He hardly expected that she would do such a thing. “You are a strange woman…” he said in a low voice.
“I am a mother that loves her son and I can tell that he feels strongly for you and you, him. Even if I wasn’t his mother, I would be able to tell. It’s quite obvious. Tell me D’Marcus, have you felt that way for anyone else?”
“No but-”
Before he could say anything, Fusayo continued, talking loudly over him. “What if he is the person you are supposed to be with? What if you never love again? Have you considered that?” She had a way about her that was not unlike one of those benevolent governesses one finds in old movies.
“No.”
“I didn’t think so.” D smiled, amused. It sounded as if she were trying to prove that he was stupid. “I think you really need to think this through before you just do what you are expected to do. If your family really cares about you, they will understand.”
“I can’t just put my life on hold-”
“Don’t give me that! And love is not a part of life? If you ask me, I think it’s the most important thing in life.” She raised her chin proud of herself and satisfied with how things were going.
“Okay,” he conceded. There was no point in trying to argue with her. Like her son, she was adamant and stubborn. “I will think about it.”
“Good.”
“Now, can I go drop these air conditioners off?”
“Yes.”
“It was nice talking to you again,” he bowed slightly before climbing into the car. As he backed out of the small driveway next to her office building, she smiled sweetly and waved goodbye, certain that she had gotten through to him.
***
Miwa was lying on the floor of her trashed apartment watching the sunlight dance along the ceiling as the radio played old enka love songs and the sweet scent of the sea threaded into the filthy room like a godsend through the open windows bare as they have always been, without any curtains or blinds. She didn’t even shift her gaze when she reached over and grabbed her pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, lighting the tip with a cheap convenience store lighter. She let the smoke escape her chapped lips like a snake dancing out of a vase and it seemed to her like the smoke that followed a dying fire.
She always thought that the soul would look something like that, like a body made of smoke. She never bought into the idea that it was a ball of light like a shining star-Aoi always thought that. Of course, he did. Despite what everyone believed, she loved those quiet peaceful moments even when she was young like her son but unlike him who seemed hungry and lusting for life in all its wild excitement, she believed somehow that contentment was the true meaning of happiness. It was this thing inside her that told her otherwise, that made her like a fearful feral cat who, resting out in the sun runs away even into traffic at the sudden approach of a stranger. How did she become so afraid?
Perhaps, she had always been this way. At moments like this-moments that had come too painfully often, she would lapse into trying to figure out why and how. And even, if she could find some origin, she couldn’t erase the guilt or the pain and she would be left feeling almost as if she had been raped by life.
She had been young once.
From this moment at the end of her life, looking back she would sometimes think of that young girl and feel so defensive for her and it would make her so sad that she felt she was going to go mad. Who was to blame? Was she to blame too for what had become of her? How was she to know when to be strong? How was she to know what to say or what to do?
Maybe now, it didn’t matter much anymore.
That was the thought that broke her more than anything else, more than to be cheated of a happy life, the thought that she no longer mattered. What was she to say when people looked at her and she could see in their face disdain for what she was and out of embarrassment and shame she would cuss at them, touch herself vilely-all of which were small ways of acting out, of lying to herself that things weren’t so bad. If she were bold enough, confident enough, then maybe she could cheat sorrow.
But it all seemed trivial now at this moment, lying in the sun. The one thing she had really loved, her son was gone. She had polluted him and for that, she knew she didn’t deserve happiness. If only, she thought closing her eyes tightly, she could go back in time when he was small, when he believed everything she said; when he would pick a bouquet of dandelions and present them to her and she would take them from him with a smile and call him Prince Charming.
That was before he found out that she wasn’t a Princess at all.
Life happens suddenly. It happens so quickly it is almost cruel.
And this is when she gets up and goes to the fridge to pluck out another can of beer. The same thoughts, running over and over and over again. The same result.
You remember that dream you had when you were tiny, Miwa, she would ask herself as she looked at her blurred reflection in the can. The dream that you, a sea girl nearly drowned to death. But no one ever dies in their own dreams, right? Maybe it was a symbol, a symbol for what was to become of you: A drunken used up whore. Lost at sea.
“Life’s a bitch,” she saluted no one. Bottom’s up.
And she would drink until she fell asleep, passed out wherever she was. If she wetted herself in her deep slumber, it didn’t matter much to her when she finally awoke. Even shame loses its luster.
That’s how they found her, sprawled out on the floor in a second hand running suit, sleeping in her own urine, surrounded by beer cans.
“She’s still alive,” Uruha said, getting to his knees. “Why don’t you start a bath for her and I can go get some coffee and some pain killers from the drugstore,” he looked up at Aoi.
“Okay,” he said inaudibly. The sight of seeing his mother like this felt as if he had been stabbed and he stood there, feeling dazed.
“Aoi, stop,” Uruha nearly shouted. Uruha never talked so loudly. “You can’t act like that. You have to get in control and take care of her. You don’t have time to feel horrible. Now go run the bath. I’ll help you get her undressed and carry her to the bath. Now, go.”
Aoi nodded and did as he was told, quickly going to the bathroom where he started the water and rushing back to help Uruha slip his mother out of her soiled clothes. Picking her up in his arms, her head and limbs draped downward as if she were dead. As he held her, they looked like the Pieta-with the son however, holding his mother.
Uruha followed them into the bathroom, making sure that if anything were to happen, he was near enough to help. Aoi slowly laid her body into the warm water and rested her head gently against the wall. The bathroom itself was littered just like the rest of the apartment-grime in the crevices, old shampoo bottles, nondescript trash in the corner, condom packets sprayed across the tiles like a colorful constellation. The sun poured in through the small bathroom window in a bright shaft of light and onto the mother in the bath and danced in the water-a strangely beautiful sight.
“Ma?” he called out in a sweet voice and dipped his hand into the water to grab hers and bringing it to air, he held it tightly in his. “Mama, wake up, Mama. It’s me, Yuu. I’ve come back for you, Mama. We’re going to take care of you, okay?” He smiled as the tears welled in his eyes. He watched her face, ravaged through the years with pain and age. Without her makeup, there was a strange purity about her features and as he saw now, her eyelids squeezed tightly, roused by his voice, he felt a love so powerful overwhelm him that he felt he could explode.
Slowly her eyes opened and the first thing she saw was his face. “Yuu?” Seeing Uruha-the boy she had met many years ago at the retreat standing in the distance, hunched over with his arms folded in the doorway proved to her that she wasn’t dreaming. “Yuu, what are you doing here?” She looked about and realizing she was in the tub naked, she brought her legs up as if to cover herself.
“I’ve come to take you home with me. Look, I got an apartment in Tokyo now and a job and I want you to stay with me, Mama. I miss you. Please say you’ll come with me?”
“Who is that?”
“That’s Uruha.”
“Your boyfriend?”
“Yeah. Give him a chance, he’s a nice guy-a good guy.”
“Why-why am I in this bath tub?” She began to look around and breathe heavily.
“You had an accident when you were sleeping. Look, Uruha, is going to go get us some coffee and some Ibuprofen and something to eat, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’ll leave now,” Uruha bowed curtly and quickly left, leaving the mother and son alone.
Aoi didn’t waste any more time. “Look, Mama, forget about what we said last time. None of that matters. I don’t want to live a life where in order to be happy, I have to lose the ones I love. And you know, if you love someone, you don’t quit on them and I’m not going to quit on you, Mama. I’m going to fight with you, until the end, okay?” He was talking to her as if he were speaking to a child. “I don’t care about the past anymore. All that’s left now is the future so don’t feel guilty or angry. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to be an old man someday regretting that I never saw you again or that I let you drown like this. Maybe Mama, life could be easier if I forgot you and sought after my dreams but they won’t mean anything without you.” He reached over and rested his hand on the side of her face, smiling thinly. “Look I got a good thing going. A band that’s getting more popular day by day, good friends, a steady job, I got the love of my life and even with all of that, I can’t be happy knowing I left you behind.”
“Do you really mean that Yuu?” She smiled at him and as soon as she spoke, she began to cry.
“Yes.”
“You want me to come with you?”
“Please.”
“But you know me, I ruin everything I touch.”
“Mama, you never ruined me. You really don’t have a choice,” he laughed through his tears. “You have to come with me.”
“I have to?”
He smiled and kissing her forehead, repeated “You have to.”
“And if it turns out the same…”
“Then we try again.”
“Can you really be so hopeful?”
“I have no choice. I’m not ready to give up on life.”
She squeezed his hand tightly. “Words of a young man.”
“Maybe I’m naïve,” he looked down. “But you won’t know until you try. Life I’ve learned is kinda like ice-skating, you’re scared as all hell at first but you just have to let go eventually of your fear and just go. Even if in the end, your ass is kissing the ice,” he laughed.
“Since when did you ice skate?” She reached over and started to arrange the strands of his hair.
Just as he replied “Ah… I learned it recently.” Uruha came back and calling out somewhat casually told them that he had returned with the items he was sent out to get.
“The coffee is actually really good,” he said stepping into the bathroom, sipping from the white Styrofoam cup. “Oh! I made this for you, Aoi’s mom,” he reached into his back pocket and awkwardly setting the coffee on the floor, started to unfold a paper crane he had made. “When I was waiting for the drinks, I folded this. He said that you like to drink-I like to drink too but-um,” he had lost his train of thought. After pausing for a moment, he continued “When I was really depressed and sad and I had an addiction-like you have an addiction, Aoi taught me to fold cranes and supposedly they symbolize getting well again and so, I made you this one since we don’t know each other well and I want us to be friends since we are going to be family and all…and…um…so…” He set the crane onto the surface of her bath water and as she stared at him a bit taken aback by how strange he was, the paper bird floated towards her. “I’ll make you more since that one is wet…now…obviously….”
“He’s a bit…weird but he’s cute,” Aoi smiled.
She nodded and then suddenly laughed loudly. “Isn’t this fucking strange?!” The sentimental moment had faded into reality and she realized that bizarreness of the situation.
“Just a bit,” Aoi agreed.
“Well, he can’t stand up straight or speak clearly but he’s beautiful and he’s certainly your type. Now, can you two leave so I can take a bath?”
[A/N Originally I had planned to add that other scene I mentioned in my previous post but since this chappy is so dramatic, I think it best to hold off to the next post. Since Monday is Labor Day, hopefully I can find more time to write.
Cheerio~]