Forever & Ever 34
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33
The knock the resonated throughout the apartment was strangely soft. Fuwa who was reclining on the couch reading at first didn’t think there was anyone at the door, writing off the sound to some strange noise coming from a nearby apartment but once he heard the roll of another round of knocks, he sat up and walked to the door.
Standing on the other side, Uruha stood with his hands jammed into the pockets of his old ripped up jeans. When his eyes met his old counselor’s, the older man could immediately tell from their urgency that something was not right. “Uruha?” he said taking a step backward, welcoming him in. “Ruki is still asleep.”
“I’m not here to see him,” the young man replied. After their initial greeting, Uruha’s eyes immediately fell and stared downward.
From the look on Uruha’s face, Fuwa had figured as much. “So you are here to see me.” The young man nodded. “Well, should we go to the kitchen then?” Again, the young man nodded. Uruha wasn’t necessarily a pliant individual. Not since he was a child was he timid to the point of dependence but around Fuwa, he assumed a position someone weaker might take. Coming to his apartment early on a Saturday morning after not seeing him for 6 years, Uruha had come seeking his advice and counsel and was ready to surrender his fate completely to his care and guidance.
Following him to the kitchen, Fuwa pulled out a chair for him and went immediately to brew tea for him. “It’s very early,” the older man said casually, trying to ease the uneasiness in the room caused by Uruha’s tenseness. “I’m assuming you have yet to eat,” he looked over his shoulder at him and smiled sweetly. “Let me get you some fruit and I’ll make you some jam and toast to go with your tea. Normally, I cook breakfast after the little one is awake.” He picked up the hot kettle and poured the steamy water into a beautiful pale blue tea pot.
“Little one?” Uruha looked up.
“Oh!” Fuwa laughed good-naturedly. “Ruki.”
Uruha smiled and looked down.
“Will green tea be okay? Usually that’s the only kind I drink but Ruki tends to favor the Ginger teas so we have some of that.”
“Your boyfriend doesn’t drink tea?”
“When he does, he likes green.” Fuwa brought the pot to the table along with matching tea cups. Uruha bowed slightly as he poured the tea for him and then for himself. “So, Uruha…How have you been?”
The young man stared down at the hot liquid in the tiny tea cup as he considered his question. He knew that with Fuwa, when he asked that question, he wanted an honest answer. “I have been okay but something is wrong with Aoi.”
“Aoi? Are you with him?” Realizing that he should be more specific, he added “Romantically?”
Another nod.
“What’s wrong with Aoi?”
“He had been living with his mother after the retreat and then last winter, he left her to come to Tokyo. They would talk on the phone sometimes and then suddenly, she stopped answering his calls. I’m sure Ruki told you but we went down to Mie where she lives to find her and to see if everything was okay…”
“Was everything okay?”
“I don’t really know…I can’t answer that,” Uruha knitted his brows in confusion. He wrapped both of his hands around the tea cup in an attempt to feel the heat emanating off the hot liquid as much as possible. It seemed as if he had no intention on drinking the tea but rather feeling it. Fuwa watched his behavior with interest but said nothing about it.
“But it did something to Aoi?”
“Aoi…he…I don’t know what’s wrong with him. His mother, I think she has a drinking problem or something…I’m not sure. He keeps talking about how much he is angry with himself for not being strong enough to help her and how guilty he feels for leaving her and I know telling him that it was the right thing to do would be useless because he knows that but…that doesn’t change how he feels…”
“I see…” Fuwa took a deep sigh as he leaned back in his chair and considered what this young man was telling him. He remembered well Aoi and his mother and the sort of life she lived. He remembered Aoi’s frustrations and anger toward the world because of the way it had dealt to this woman, he remembered his story about the prostitutes that catered to the foreign soldiers back during the Occupation and his anger toward the politicians and the wealthy. And from their conversation years ago, Fuwa remembered vividly telling Aoi that he should become a man for his mother’s sake. As he sat across from Uruha now, he wondered if he had said the right thing. He had told the boy he was going to be okay but perhaps, he was wrong.
“Fuwa, I’m scared,” Uruha suddenly said in a voice that sent pangs of fear immediately throughout him.
“Uruha,” Fuwa reached over and placed his hand on his wrist comfortingly. “What happened?”
“He’s been really…really…angry lately,” he raised his damp eyes to his. “He hit me once, made me bleed actually and he is so angry all the time and he talks so cruelly and he keeps pushing me away and he keeps ignoring me and he won’t say anything to me other than he needs space but I worry,” he was talking so rapidly that he could barely make sense. “I worry that he will only sink into deeper depression and I worry that I am only making things worst but I don’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong, good or bad for him,” he shook his head and held tightly to the tea cup. “But you know, if I don’t what would happen? I don’t know-I don’t know,” he shook his head back and forth, back and forth.
“Uruha,” Fuwa cut in a voice strong and firm. “First, I want you to stop and breathe, okay?” Squeezing his wrist, he repeated “Okay?”
He nodded and took a deep breath. “What should I do?” He looked up at him as if Fuwa had all the answers. Taking his time to respond, the older man took the tea cup from his strong grip and placed it on the table.
“Uruha, in a situation like this the only thing you can do is be supportive and to do what he asks,” he paused to consider what more he should say. “If he reacts to your attempts at comforting him violently, you should stop doing that. Just because he is screaming at you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you; there could be other reasons for his behavior,” he spoke slowly and with clarity the way an adult might speak to a child. Uruha with wide eyes hung to every word. “Now, I can’t tell you what is wrong with him merely from speaking with you. I have to talk to him directly. I have ideas of course but to be honest Uruha, you can’t fix people on your own-well, you can’t fix people at all actually because in truth, no one is broken. Suffering and pain, those things are natural. Do you understand?” Uruha nodded. “So, what I want you to do is to tell me where I can meet him or how I can contact him. Speaking with me will be completely different to talking to someone like you. To Aoi, you mean something else entirely and when talking to you, all of those feelings are present. Even though you can help him to some degree, you can make him feel loved and you can listen to him, he will be unlikely to tell you things in fear they might harm you and in turn, if he harms you, screams at you or does anything like that, the fact that he did that to you will only make things worse for him, okay?”
“Okay.” Speaking to Fuwa, even though it felt a bit strange to be talked to like this, in this slow and measured manner, made him feel almost instantly better. He had a way of making things seem in control. And the thing that plagued Aoi, that felt so overwhelming and dark that Uruha could barely conceive of it lost the elusiveness that fed its power. The calm that Fuwa seemed to have over the situation renewed the strength and confidence inside of him that he feared was waning.
“Don’t tell him that you want him to see me, okay? Let me handle it. Just let me know how I can reach him.”
“You can call my house. He stays with me…”
“Alright, write your number down then,” Fuwa got up and going towards the counter picked up a notepad and pen that rested near the phone. Handing it to him, Uruha wrote the numbers neatly and clearly. “Uruha, how are you feeling?”
“I’m okay.” He was confused as to why Fuwa was asking him a second time.
“Honestly?”
“I can’t really think about how I feel right now,” he looked up at him as it finally occurred what Fuwa was getting at. He wanted to know if Uruha was feeling any sort of depression or anxieties because of what had happened. “If he’s happy, I’ll be happy.”
“Do you really mean that? It won’t make you a bad lover or anything…”
“No, I mean it,” Uruha didn’t even consider lying. “When he’s happy, he makes me happy-the way he acts when he is happy, makes me happy. It’s not just that I want him to feel happy, you know? But the way he is…The way he makes things around him when he’s happy, it makes me happy too.” He wasn’t sure if he was making any sense and because he was unable to say it eloquently and clearly, he felt stupid and frustrated.
Fuwa smiled to himself. “I understand exactly what you mean.” His voice was warm and comforting. Changing the subject, he said in a happy tone “So do you want that toast? You are more than welcomed to stay longer for breakfast. I’m sure Ruki will look forward to rattling your ear off.”
“Okay,” Uruha smiled up at him. “Is it nice having Ruki here?”
“Nice?” Fuwa laughed. Opening the fridge, he pulled out the things he needed to prepare breakfast. “I wouldn’t use that word. He can be a bit of bother but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“You must love him a lot.”
“I do. He is the son I never had.”
Unexpectedly, Ruki’s voice cut through their conversation. “Son?” he repeated with mild irritation. He looked like he had just woken up, “I hate it when you call me that.” Behind him Akira who had been sleeping in his room with him, wagged his tail happily anticipating that at any moment, his small young master was going to feed him.
Fuwa didn’t feel like having this conversation especially not at 10 AM in the morning with Uruha in the room. “Don’t forget to feed the dog,” he said as he started to heat up the pan.
Like a groggy zombie, Ruki dragged himself over to the dog’s bowl and opening up a big plastic container near it, started scooping out kibbles for him. “Uruha,” he said in a yawn. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to ask Fuwa for some advice.”
Ruki was too tired to press. “Oh,” he said as he ran his hand through his messy hair. “Cat Fuzz texted me at like…4 in the morning telling me that we won the first round.”
“Congratulations!” Fuwa exclaimed happily as he stood over the stove making pancakes.
“So, we are performing tonight then?”
“Mhm, we are,” Ruki threw himself down on the chair opposite of Uruha. “I’ll call the others and let them know. We should practice today before we head over to Cerberus. Hey, Fuwa give me some orange juice!” he requested suddenly as the urge came to him.
“You have feet.”
“But you are near the fridge!” Ruki whined cutely.
“You aren’t too far,” Fuwa laughed.
“Hey! Fuwa! Look at me.”
“No.”
“Look at me,” he repeated.
Begrudgingly, he turned around and gave him his full attention. Ruki turning on all his cute, smiled a cheeky smile at him and lifted up his chin like a begging toddler. Almost like a smooth pro, he pursed out his lips for a kiss. Fuwa laughed at his almost blatant way of using his cuteness at getting what he wanted. As soon as he moved in the slightest to retrieve the kiss, Ruki chirped “If you are coming over here, you might as well bring the juice.”
“Oh I see the game you play!” Fuwa narrowed his eyes playfully at hm.
“You are kinda evil,” Uruha commented in all seriousness.
With a smirk, Ruki replied merely in a short but confident “So.”
Fuwa did as he asked and brought him a glass of juice and not because he was won over by his cuteness completely but because the whole scheme was just too funny not to be rewarded. Resting his hand on top of the boy’s head, he leaned forward and planted a kiss on his crown. “Is Kai in your band yet?” he asked making his way back over to the stove to flip the pancake.
“No, not yet. But he will be,” Ruki said confidently as he pulled the bowl of fruit that was always on the table closer to him.
Uruha tilted his head and observed Ruki. “Yet?”
Lifting his eyes up somewhat surprised, Ruki suddenly realized that Uruha was completely ignorant of his desires and like everyone else, was unaware of his secret plans and schemes. “Kai will probably join us in the future,” he said trying to redirect Uruha’s attention elsewhere as if the whole topic was merely just talk. “You know since we are a group and all…”
“What about Rey?”
With a tiny blueberry in his hand, Ruki inquired almost challengingly “What about him?”
***
“That was some sexy ass fanservice!” Kameyo teased shouting over the shower water. Reita who was in the bathroom with her was brushing his teeth, grateful that the shower curtain that separated them hid his irritated expression. “That little whore of a boy,” she giggled. “Hey babe, can you hand me another bar of soap?”
“Mhm,” he spat out the toothpaste and grabbing one from the cabinet below the sink, handed it to her.
“So, I’m assuming you guys advanced to Round 2. From what I can tell from the crowd, you guys were one of the favorites for sure.”
“How did you vote?”
“Oh, they hand you a card with these perforated holes in them next to the bands’ name and you push out the one you want to win and once you do that, you are supposed to put it in one those concealed voting boxes,” she turned the water off and sticking her hand out once more waited for Reita to give her a towel. “Tell that little imp to keep licking, I think that helped,” she laughed.
Almost roughly, he pushed the towel into her hand. “Yeah yeah…” he murmured.
“Hey, what’s that about?” With a quick motion, she whipped back the shower curtain and standing there dripping wet and naked, stared at him a bit startled.
Reita folding his arms shrugged. He was completely void of his usual good humor.
“Dude, don’t pull that silent bitch shit.” Cringing at him, she started drying herself off.
“I’m not pulling any shit-”
“Yeah, you are.”
“I’m not-”
“Don’t even try to argue with me. I’m right. If we are getting married, you are going to have to get used to thinking that. Don’t they teach you that in Husband 101? The Old Lady is always right,” she stepped out of the shower. “I’m like God. You can question me but in the end, I’ll just pit your ass to hell,” she chuckled.
“I find it…” He sighed. He didn’t know exactly how to say this. “Look, Kameyo, I know you are okay with Ruki doing things like that and I’m happy that you weren’t going to break it off with me because of…” he paused.
“Because you two had sex?” She went right to the point.
“Yeah, because we had sex.”
“And?”
“Well, Ruki isn’t like you.”
She stared at him for awhile, examining his face trying to figure out what he was getting at. “Go on…”
But, he was apprehensive to go on. In fact, he wished that he hadn’t even started the conversation. But there was something in him that needed to let her known and deeper than that, there was something in him that wanted to see how Kameyo would react. He wondered if she would get passionate enough to fight back for him or not. “He told me that he was going to have me eventually.”
“Going to have you eventually,” she repeated with extra emphasis on the word “have.” “I don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t want you with me. He said to me that I was going to be his.”
Kameyo knitted her brows in mild anger and irritation. Her short black hair fell damp in strands over her face as she stood there gaping at Reita. “So, fucking you and having other such physical privileges isn’t enough for him? He wants the ‘Reita is all mine’ title too?” Without waiting for his response she mumbled to herself agitatedly “What a catty little bitch. You would think he’d be the one with the tits and I the dick?” She exhaled, she wasn’t in the mood to deal with this sticky drama. “Okay, okay,” she conceded. “What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know… What do you want to do?” He threw the question back at her rather uselessly. He didn’t know how to deal with the pressure.
“Okay, then,” She finally started to dry herself off properly. “First question, who do you want? Me or him?” Watching Reita from the bathroom mirror, she saw immediately his look of deliberation at answering the question. He didn’t know who he would rather have. “What the fuck, Akira?” She turned around sharply. “You don’t know? Or is it him?”
Reita was taken aback. For the first time in a long time, she was legitimately angry. “It’s not that…”
“I’m sure you’ve thought about it,” she stared at him aghast. “You must have. If this little bitch said to you “you’ll be mine”, you must have thought at least what you would do if you had to choose? Because honey, that’s what he is making you do? You know that right?”
Reita folded his arms and looked down. “But I love you both…” he said in a soft sweet voice. He was hoping that something in her would be moved by his tone and his vulnerability. Kameyo however was going to buy it.
“Oh come on,” she rolled her eyes and snatching up her clothes started to get dressed. “Well, contrary to what most men think or hell, even want,” she spat out. “I’m not going to go up to Ruki and have a fucking cat fight with him. For one, he’s a goddamn dude and for two, I’m not going to feel like I have to earn your love or compete for it. You either want to be married to me and have your gay escapades with normal, polygamous homosexual men or you can be with King Chibi who will hawk over your every goddamn move.” She was finally dressed. “But for once Akira, you are going to have to do something that might be a little hard for you-just once, in your goddamn life,” she held a finger to her face. “And that’s make a fucking decision.”
Reita was at a loss for words. He stood there speechless as Kameyo not waiting for his immediate reply merely stormed out of the bathroom.
***
Aoi had spent the whole day inside of their bedroom playing the guitar, practicing, going through phrases over and over again. Kumiko had heard him in there but sensing his mood from the few moments that he had left the room, dared not go in there and talk to him. She wanted to ask her brother what this was all about since he wasn’t home, she was left alone in the house listening through the thin walls of the apartment the never-ending sound of the guitar.
By that time 1 pm had rolled around, she couldn’t take it anymore. She got dressed and decided that she might as well go out and do something. As soon as she opened the front door to leave, her baby brother was unexpectedly standing there. “Oh shit,” she placed a hand on her chest. “You scared me. The timing there was a bit perfect,” she laughed as she shook off her shock.
“Sorry,” he bowed slightly.
“Where were you all day? Your boyfriend has shut himself in your guys’ room and he won’t stop playing the guitar.”
“I went to go see a friend and then Mr. Miyajima needed help setting his cable up.”
“Oh, I see,” she nodded and observed him as he stood there. He seemed unusually tired and she could tell by the look in his down casted eyes that he was under a great deal of stress and worry. “Are you okay?” she leaned forward and tried to catch his eyes with her own.
Mumbling unconvincingly “I’m okay” he walked past her quickly to avoid any further inspection.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” Without turning around to look at her, he said quickly “Go do what you were going to do. I’m going to go play guitar with Aoi.” With rapid steps, he walked over to the door to his bedroom. As soon as he entered, the sound of the guitar ceased as Aoi looked up at him.
“Hey,” he greeted him with feigned disinterest.
“Hey.” Uruha looked around the room. Aoi had straightened it up. He even opened the windows and made the bed. Uruha couldn’t remember the last time his room looked so clean. “Do you have a cigarette?” he asked as he slowly made his way over to the bed unsure about how Aoi would respond to him being so physically near to him.
“Yeah,” Aoi set the guitar aside and finding the pack that was somewhere behind him, pulled out two. He raised his eyes to him as if to say “why are you just standing there?”
Uruha with somewhat awkward speed, sat down next to him and took the cigarette from his hand. He could feel Aoi’s eyes watching him and sense that he was thinking him rather strange.
“Where were you all day?” Aoi asked as he lit his cigarette. Uruha watched him from the corner of his eyes feeling that there was something cool about the way Aoi lit his cigarettes but he felt it would be stupid of him to say anything about it.
“I ate breakfast as Ruki’s and then, I helped out Mr. Miyajima with his television.”
“I see,” Aoi nodded. Leaning back on one arm, he watched Uruha not caring if the other would find his intense staring invasive. And he had a feeling that he would and as soon as he could detect the tenseness in Uruha’s body, he felt a great irritation come over him. Ever since he had entered the room, it was as if they were merely acquaintances and not lovers at all. “Put your cigarette out,” he ordered as he sat up and grabbing a nearby ashtray put out his own.
“Why?”
“Just do it,” Aoi presented the tray to him and when Uruha displayed apprehension, he reached over and grabbing his cigarette from his hand put it out himself. As he smothered the tiny red ember, he began in a bold voice, thick with traces of an inner darkness and sadness “You know, when I first saw you, I didn’t know what to think about you and then during that time when we all sitting around the circle and you were introducing yourself, I thought ‘man, what a strange kid’,” he chuckled and looked up at Uruha who watched him with unblinking dark eyes. “And when you told everyone that people use to call you Uruha because you were so beautiful, I finally saw it,” he smiled. “‘Wow, he is beautiful, isn’t he?’And then the Ducky thing…You remember that time?”
“Mhm.”
“Ducky Baby,” he smiled again, this time warmly and sweetly as his eyes travelled across his face.
“Hoshi-sama,” Uruha grinned happily. Tentatively, he walked his fingers across the bed toward Aoi’s hand. Before his slow movement could reach him, Aoi without ever moving his eyes from his face grabbed Uruha’s hand tightly.
“You know sometimes, Uruha, I really hate you,” his grip on his hand tightened and Uruha looked away. “I get so irritated by how you talk, how blunt you are, sometimes you can be really cruel and you aren’t even apologetic about it. I hate sometimes how selfish you are more than anything. You never stop trying to get what you want and you’re so pushy. And I hate how dumb and small you are...” Uruha tried to pull his hand away from his but Aoi held on fast. “But then, when I think about it, when I am just looking at you like this…I am overcome with how much I love you even when I want to hate you with everything in my being. When the desire in me is so great to just despise you, I can’t. I just…” he let his hand go. “I just want you all the time.”
Uruha turned away from him and stared at the floor.
“Do you hate me now?” Aoi asked.
“No.”
“There isn’t anything in you that hates me?”
“Maybe.”
A silence descended over them.
“Now, you understand why I don’t deserve you, right?” Aoi’s voice was thin and weak.
“I don’t care about that.”
“You’re delusional.”
“No, I’m not,” Uruha turned around and looked at him. “You’re delusional.” Aoi was surprised to find in his eyes, a strange masculine firmness that was uncharacteristic of him.
“Maybe,” Aoi said sadly.
Uruha didn’t feel like talking anymore. The words were spun around and around in a strange web that he couldn’t quite understand. The words, they twisted things, distorted their perceptions and he didn’t have the energy or the tolerance to deal with them anymore. Turning completely around, he crawled over to Aoi and lifting up his hands, wrapped them softly around his neck, resting his thumb on his lips. Aoi went to say something but Uruha pressed his thumbs down and shook his head no. “Get undressed,” he ordered.
Aoi despite his overwhelming addiction to his sadness was somehow captivated by the strange strength Uruha was showing him. Giving in, he obeyed him.
[A/N WOWWWW This post is mega-late. I'm sorry. ^^; To my defense, I will say that it was my sis' birthday and I spent the weekend hanging out with her. I started on the one-shot she requested too (she reads the fic and is my beta) so, my time has been considerably divided. I'll be posting that one-shot when it's finished.]
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33
The knock the resonated throughout the apartment was strangely soft. Fuwa who was reclining on the couch reading at first didn’t think there was anyone at the door, writing off the sound to some strange noise coming from a nearby apartment but once he heard the roll of another round of knocks, he sat up and walked to the door.
Standing on the other side, Uruha stood with his hands jammed into the pockets of his old ripped up jeans. When his eyes met his old counselor’s, the older man could immediately tell from their urgency that something was not right. “Uruha?” he said taking a step backward, welcoming him in. “Ruki is still asleep.”
“I’m not here to see him,” the young man replied. After their initial greeting, Uruha’s eyes immediately fell and stared downward.
From the look on Uruha’s face, Fuwa had figured as much. “So you are here to see me.” The young man nodded. “Well, should we go to the kitchen then?” Again, the young man nodded. Uruha wasn’t necessarily a pliant individual. Not since he was a child was he timid to the point of dependence but around Fuwa, he assumed a position someone weaker might take. Coming to his apartment early on a Saturday morning after not seeing him for 6 years, Uruha had come seeking his advice and counsel and was ready to surrender his fate completely to his care and guidance.
Following him to the kitchen, Fuwa pulled out a chair for him and went immediately to brew tea for him. “It’s very early,” the older man said casually, trying to ease the uneasiness in the room caused by Uruha’s tenseness. “I’m assuming you have yet to eat,” he looked over his shoulder at him and smiled sweetly. “Let me get you some fruit and I’ll make you some jam and toast to go with your tea. Normally, I cook breakfast after the little one is awake.” He picked up the hot kettle and poured the steamy water into a beautiful pale blue tea pot.
“Little one?” Uruha looked up.
“Oh!” Fuwa laughed good-naturedly. “Ruki.”
Uruha smiled and looked down.
“Will green tea be okay? Usually that’s the only kind I drink but Ruki tends to favor the Ginger teas so we have some of that.”
“Your boyfriend doesn’t drink tea?”
“When he does, he likes green.” Fuwa brought the pot to the table along with matching tea cups. Uruha bowed slightly as he poured the tea for him and then for himself. “So, Uruha…How have you been?”
The young man stared down at the hot liquid in the tiny tea cup as he considered his question. He knew that with Fuwa, when he asked that question, he wanted an honest answer. “I have been okay but something is wrong with Aoi.”
“Aoi? Are you with him?” Realizing that he should be more specific, he added “Romantically?”
Another nod.
“What’s wrong with Aoi?”
“He had been living with his mother after the retreat and then last winter, he left her to come to Tokyo. They would talk on the phone sometimes and then suddenly, she stopped answering his calls. I’m sure Ruki told you but we went down to Mie where she lives to find her and to see if everything was okay…”
“Was everything okay?”
“I don’t really know…I can’t answer that,” Uruha knitted his brows in confusion. He wrapped both of his hands around the tea cup in an attempt to feel the heat emanating off the hot liquid as much as possible. It seemed as if he had no intention on drinking the tea but rather feeling it. Fuwa watched his behavior with interest but said nothing about it.
“But it did something to Aoi?”
“Aoi…he…I don’t know what’s wrong with him. His mother, I think she has a drinking problem or something…I’m not sure. He keeps talking about how much he is angry with himself for not being strong enough to help her and how guilty he feels for leaving her and I know telling him that it was the right thing to do would be useless because he knows that but…that doesn’t change how he feels…”
“I see…” Fuwa took a deep sigh as he leaned back in his chair and considered what this young man was telling him. He remembered well Aoi and his mother and the sort of life she lived. He remembered Aoi’s frustrations and anger toward the world because of the way it had dealt to this woman, he remembered his story about the prostitutes that catered to the foreign soldiers back during the Occupation and his anger toward the politicians and the wealthy. And from their conversation years ago, Fuwa remembered vividly telling Aoi that he should become a man for his mother’s sake. As he sat across from Uruha now, he wondered if he had said the right thing. He had told the boy he was going to be okay but perhaps, he was wrong.
“Fuwa, I’m scared,” Uruha suddenly said in a voice that sent pangs of fear immediately throughout him.
“Uruha,” Fuwa reached over and placed his hand on his wrist comfortingly. “What happened?”
“He’s been really…really…angry lately,” he raised his damp eyes to his. “He hit me once, made me bleed actually and he is so angry all the time and he talks so cruelly and he keeps pushing me away and he keeps ignoring me and he won’t say anything to me other than he needs space but I worry,” he was talking so rapidly that he could barely make sense. “I worry that he will only sink into deeper depression and I worry that I am only making things worst but I don’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong, good or bad for him,” he shook his head and held tightly to the tea cup. “But you know, if I don’t what would happen? I don’t know-I don’t know,” he shook his head back and forth, back and forth.
“Uruha,” Fuwa cut in a voice strong and firm. “First, I want you to stop and breathe, okay?” Squeezing his wrist, he repeated “Okay?”
He nodded and took a deep breath. “What should I do?” He looked up at him as if Fuwa had all the answers. Taking his time to respond, the older man took the tea cup from his strong grip and placed it on the table.
“Uruha, in a situation like this the only thing you can do is be supportive and to do what he asks,” he paused to consider what more he should say. “If he reacts to your attempts at comforting him violently, you should stop doing that. Just because he is screaming at you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you; there could be other reasons for his behavior,” he spoke slowly and with clarity the way an adult might speak to a child. Uruha with wide eyes hung to every word. “Now, I can’t tell you what is wrong with him merely from speaking with you. I have to talk to him directly. I have ideas of course but to be honest Uruha, you can’t fix people on your own-well, you can’t fix people at all actually because in truth, no one is broken. Suffering and pain, those things are natural. Do you understand?” Uruha nodded. “So, what I want you to do is to tell me where I can meet him or how I can contact him. Speaking with me will be completely different to talking to someone like you. To Aoi, you mean something else entirely and when talking to you, all of those feelings are present. Even though you can help him to some degree, you can make him feel loved and you can listen to him, he will be unlikely to tell you things in fear they might harm you and in turn, if he harms you, screams at you or does anything like that, the fact that he did that to you will only make things worse for him, okay?”
“Okay.” Speaking to Fuwa, even though it felt a bit strange to be talked to like this, in this slow and measured manner, made him feel almost instantly better. He had a way of making things seem in control. And the thing that plagued Aoi, that felt so overwhelming and dark that Uruha could barely conceive of it lost the elusiveness that fed its power. The calm that Fuwa seemed to have over the situation renewed the strength and confidence inside of him that he feared was waning.
“Don’t tell him that you want him to see me, okay? Let me handle it. Just let me know how I can reach him.”
“You can call my house. He stays with me…”
“Alright, write your number down then,” Fuwa got up and going towards the counter picked up a notepad and pen that rested near the phone. Handing it to him, Uruha wrote the numbers neatly and clearly. “Uruha, how are you feeling?”
“I’m okay.” He was confused as to why Fuwa was asking him a second time.
“Honestly?”
“I can’t really think about how I feel right now,” he looked up at him as it finally occurred what Fuwa was getting at. He wanted to know if Uruha was feeling any sort of depression or anxieties because of what had happened. “If he’s happy, I’ll be happy.”
“Do you really mean that? It won’t make you a bad lover or anything…”
“No, I mean it,” Uruha didn’t even consider lying. “When he’s happy, he makes me happy-the way he acts when he is happy, makes me happy. It’s not just that I want him to feel happy, you know? But the way he is…The way he makes things around him when he’s happy, it makes me happy too.” He wasn’t sure if he was making any sense and because he was unable to say it eloquently and clearly, he felt stupid and frustrated.
Fuwa smiled to himself. “I understand exactly what you mean.” His voice was warm and comforting. Changing the subject, he said in a happy tone “So do you want that toast? You are more than welcomed to stay longer for breakfast. I’m sure Ruki will look forward to rattling your ear off.”
“Okay,” Uruha smiled up at him. “Is it nice having Ruki here?”
“Nice?” Fuwa laughed. Opening the fridge, he pulled out the things he needed to prepare breakfast. “I wouldn’t use that word. He can be a bit of bother but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“You must love him a lot.”
“I do. He is the son I never had.”
Unexpectedly, Ruki’s voice cut through their conversation. “Son?” he repeated with mild irritation. He looked like he had just woken up, “I hate it when you call me that.” Behind him Akira who had been sleeping in his room with him, wagged his tail happily anticipating that at any moment, his small young master was going to feed him.
Fuwa didn’t feel like having this conversation especially not at 10 AM in the morning with Uruha in the room. “Don’t forget to feed the dog,” he said as he started to heat up the pan.
Like a groggy zombie, Ruki dragged himself over to the dog’s bowl and opening up a big plastic container near it, started scooping out kibbles for him. “Uruha,” he said in a yawn. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to ask Fuwa for some advice.”
Ruki was too tired to press. “Oh,” he said as he ran his hand through his messy hair. “Cat Fuzz texted me at like…4 in the morning telling me that we won the first round.”
“Congratulations!” Fuwa exclaimed happily as he stood over the stove making pancakes.
“So, we are performing tonight then?”
“Mhm, we are,” Ruki threw himself down on the chair opposite of Uruha. “I’ll call the others and let them know. We should practice today before we head over to Cerberus. Hey, Fuwa give me some orange juice!” he requested suddenly as the urge came to him.
“You have feet.”
“But you are near the fridge!” Ruki whined cutely.
“You aren’t too far,” Fuwa laughed.
“Hey! Fuwa! Look at me.”
“No.”
“Look at me,” he repeated.
Begrudgingly, he turned around and gave him his full attention. Ruki turning on all his cute, smiled a cheeky smile at him and lifted up his chin like a begging toddler. Almost like a smooth pro, he pursed out his lips for a kiss. Fuwa laughed at his almost blatant way of using his cuteness at getting what he wanted. As soon as he moved in the slightest to retrieve the kiss, Ruki chirped “If you are coming over here, you might as well bring the juice.”
“Oh I see the game you play!” Fuwa narrowed his eyes playfully at hm.
“You are kinda evil,” Uruha commented in all seriousness.
With a smirk, Ruki replied merely in a short but confident “So.”
Fuwa did as he asked and brought him a glass of juice and not because he was won over by his cuteness completely but because the whole scheme was just too funny not to be rewarded. Resting his hand on top of the boy’s head, he leaned forward and planted a kiss on his crown. “Is Kai in your band yet?” he asked making his way back over to the stove to flip the pancake.
“No, not yet. But he will be,” Ruki said confidently as he pulled the bowl of fruit that was always on the table closer to him.
Uruha tilted his head and observed Ruki. “Yet?”
Lifting his eyes up somewhat surprised, Ruki suddenly realized that Uruha was completely ignorant of his desires and like everyone else, was unaware of his secret plans and schemes. “Kai will probably join us in the future,” he said trying to redirect Uruha’s attention elsewhere as if the whole topic was merely just talk. “You know since we are a group and all…”
“What about Rey?”
With a tiny blueberry in his hand, Ruki inquired almost challengingly “What about him?”
***
“That was some sexy ass fanservice!” Kameyo teased shouting over the shower water. Reita who was in the bathroom with her was brushing his teeth, grateful that the shower curtain that separated them hid his irritated expression. “That little whore of a boy,” she giggled. “Hey babe, can you hand me another bar of soap?”
“Mhm,” he spat out the toothpaste and grabbing one from the cabinet below the sink, handed it to her.
“So, I’m assuming you guys advanced to Round 2. From what I can tell from the crowd, you guys were one of the favorites for sure.”
“How did you vote?”
“Oh, they hand you a card with these perforated holes in them next to the bands’ name and you push out the one you want to win and once you do that, you are supposed to put it in one those concealed voting boxes,” she turned the water off and sticking her hand out once more waited for Reita to give her a towel. “Tell that little imp to keep licking, I think that helped,” she laughed.
Almost roughly, he pushed the towel into her hand. “Yeah yeah…” he murmured.
“Hey, what’s that about?” With a quick motion, she whipped back the shower curtain and standing there dripping wet and naked, stared at him a bit startled.
Reita folding his arms shrugged. He was completely void of his usual good humor.
“Dude, don’t pull that silent bitch shit.” Cringing at him, she started drying herself off.
“I’m not pulling any shit-”
“Yeah, you are.”
“I’m not-”
“Don’t even try to argue with me. I’m right. If we are getting married, you are going to have to get used to thinking that. Don’t they teach you that in Husband 101? The Old Lady is always right,” she stepped out of the shower. “I’m like God. You can question me but in the end, I’ll just pit your ass to hell,” she chuckled.
“I find it…” He sighed. He didn’t know exactly how to say this. “Look, Kameyo, I know you are okay with Ruki doing things like that and I’m happy that you weren’t going to break it off with me because of…” he paused.
“Because you two had sex?” She went right to the point.
“Yeah, because we had sex.”
“And?”
“Well, Ruki isn’t like you.”
She stared at him for awhile, examining his face trying to figure out what he was getting at. “Go on…”
But, he was apprehensive to go on. In fact, he wished that he hadn’t even started the conversation. But there was something in him that needed to let her known and deeper than that, there was something in him that wanted to see how Kameyo would react. He wondered if she would get passionate enough to fight back for him or not. “He told me that he was going to have me eventually.”
“Going to have you eventually,” she repeated with extra emphasis on the word “have.” “I don’t get it.”
“He doesn’t want you with me. He said to me that I was going to be his.”
Kameyo knitted her brows in mild anger and irritation. Her short black hair fell damp in strands over her face as she stood there gaping at Reita. “So, fucking you and having other such physical privileges isn’t enough for him? He wants the ‘Reita is all mine’ title too?” Without waiting for his response she mumbled to herself agitatedly “What a catty little bitch. You would think he’d be the one with the tits and I the dick?” She exhaled, she wasn’t in the mood to deal with this sticky drama. “Okay, okay,” she conceded. “What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know… What do you want to do?” He threw the question back at her rather uselessly. He didn’t know how to deal with the pressure.
“Okay, then,” She finally started to dry herself off properly. “First question, who do you want? Me or him?” Watching Reita from the bathroom mirror, she saw immediately his look of deliberation at answering the question. He didn’t know who he would rather have. “What the fuck, Akira?” She turned around sharply. “You don’t know? Or is it him?”
Reita was taken aback. For the first time in a long time, she was legitimately angry. “It’s not that…”
“I’m sure you’ve thought about it,” she stared at him aghast. “You must have. If this little bitch said to you “you’ll be mine”, you must have thought at least what you would do if you had to choose? Because honey, that’s what he is making you do? You know that right?”
Reita folded his arms and looked down. “But I love you both…” he said in a soft sweet voice. He was hoping that something in her would be moved by his tone and his vulnerability. Kameyo however was going to buy it.
“Oh come on,” she rolled her eyes and snatching up her clothes started to get dressed. “Well, contrary to what most men think or hell, even want,” she spat out. “I’m not going to go up to Ruki and have a fucking cat fight with him. For one, he’s a goddamn dude and for two, I’m not going to feel like I have to earn your love or compete for it. You either want to be married to me and have your gay escapades with normal, polygamous homosexual men or you can be with King Chibi who will hawk over your every goddamn move.” She was finally dressed. “But for once Akira, you are going to have to do something that might be a little hard for you-just once, in your goddamn life,” she held a finger to her face. “And that’s make a fucking decision.”
Reita was at a loss for words. He stood there speechless as Kameyo not waiting for his immediate reply merely stormed out of the bathroom.
***
Aoi had spent the whole day inside of their bedroom playing the guitar, practicing, going through phrases over and over again. Kumiko had heard him in there but sensing his mood from the few moments that he had left the room, dared not go in there and talk to him. She wanted to ask her brother what this was all about since he wasn’t home, she was left alone in the house listening through the thin walls of the apartment the never-ending sound of the guitar.
By that time 1 pm had rolled around, she couldn’t take it anymore. She got dressed and decided that she might as well go out and do something. As soon as she opened the front door to leave, her baby brother was unexpectedly standing there. “Oh shit,” she placed a hand on her chest. “You scared me. The timing there was a bit perfect,” she laughed as she shook off her shock.
“Sorry,” he bowed slightly.
“Where were you all day? Your boyfriend has shut himself in your guys’ room and he won’t stop playing the guitar.”
“I went to go see a friend and then Mr. Miyajima needed help setting his cable up.”
“Oh, I see,” she nodded and observed him as he stood there. He seemed unusually tired and she could tell by the look in his down casted eyes that he was under a great deal of stress and worry. “Are you okay?” she leaned forward and tried to catch his eyes with her own.
Mumbling unconvincingly “I’m okay” he walked past her quickly to avoid any further inspection.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” Without turning around to look at her, he said quickly “Go do what you were going to do. I’m going to go play guitar with Aoi.” With rapid steps, he walked over to the door to his bedroom. As soon as he entered, the sound of the guitar ceased as Aoi looked up at him.
“Hey,” he greeted him with feigned disinterest.
“Hey.” Uruha looked around the room. Aoi had straightened it up. He even opened the windows and made the bed. Uruha couldn’t remember the last time his room looked so clean. “Do you have a cigarette?” he asked as he slowly made his way over to the bed unsure about how Aoi would respond to him being so physically near to him.
“Yeah,” Aoi set the guitar aside and finding the pack that was somewhere behind him, pulled out two. He raised his eyes to him as if to say “why are you just standing there?”
Uruha with somewhat awkward speed, sat down next to him and took the cigarette from his hand. He could feel Aoi’s eyes watching him and sense that he was thinking him rather strange.
“Where were you all day?” Aoi asked as he lit his cigarette. Uruha watched him from the corner of his eyes feeling that there was something cool about the way Aoi lit his cigarettes but he felt it would be stupid of him to say anything about it.
“I ate breakfast as Ruki’s and then, I helped out Mr. Miyajima with his television.”
“I see,” Aoi nodded. Leaning back on one arm, he watched Uruha not caring if the other would find his intense staring invasive. And he had a feeling that he would and as soon as he could detect the tenseness in Uruha’s body, he felt a great irritation come over him. Ever since he had entered the room, it was as if they were merely acquaintances and not lovers at all. “Put your cigarette out,” he ordered as he sat up and grabbing a nearby ashtray put out his own.
“Why?”
“Just do it,” Aoi presented the tray to him and when Uruha displayed apprehension, he reached over and grabbing his cigarette from his hand put it out himself. As he smothered the tiny red ember, he began in a bold voice, thick with traces of an inner darkness and sadness “You know, when I first saw you, I didn’t know what to think about you and then during that time when we all sitting around the circle and you were introducing yourself, I thought ‘man, what a strange kid’,” he chuckled and looked up at Uruha who watched him with unblinking dark eyes. “And when you told everyone that people use to call you Uruha because you were so beautiful, I finally saw it,” he smiled. “‘Wow, he is beautiful, isn’t he?’And then the Ducky thing…You remember that time?”
“Mhm.”
“Ducky Baby,” he smiled again, this time warmly and sweetly as his eyes travelled across his face.
“Hoshi-sama,” Uruha grinned happily. Tentatively, he walked his fingers across the bed toward Aoi’s hand. Before his slow movement could reach him, Aoi without ever moving his eyes from his face grabbed Uruha’s hand tightly.
“You know sometimes, Uruha, I really hate you,” his grip on his hand tightened and Uruha looked away. “I get so irritated by how you talk, how blunt you are, sometimes you can be really cruel and you aren’t even apologetic about it. I hate sometimes how selfish you are more than anything. You never stop trying to get what you want and you’re so pushy. And I hate how dumb and small you are...” Uruha tried to pull his hand away from his but Aoi held on fast. “But then, when I think about it, when I am just looking at you like this…I am overcome with how much I love you even when I want to hate you with everything in my being. When the desire in me is so great to just despise you, I can’t. I just…” he let his hand go. “I just want you all the time.”
Uruha turned away from him and stared at the floor.
“Do you hate me now?” Aoi asked.
“No.”
“There isn’t anything in you that hates me?”
“Maybe.”
A silence descended over them.
“Now, you understand why I don’t deserve you, right?” Aoi’s voice was thin and weak.
“I don’t care about that.”
“You’re delusional.”
“No, I’m not,” Uruha turned around and looked at him. “You’re delusional.” Aoi was surprised to find in his eyes, a strange masculine firmness that was uncharacteristic of him.
“Maybe,” Aoi said sadly.
Uruha didn’t feel like talking anymore. The words were spun around and around in a strange web that he couldn’t quite understand. The words, they twisted things, distorted their perceptions and he didn’t have the energy or the tolerance to deal with them anymore. Turning completely around, he crawled over to Aoi and lifting up his hands, wrapped them softly around his neck, resting his thumb on his lips. Aoi went to say something but Uruha pressed his thumbs down and shook his head no. “Get undressed,” he ordered.
Aoi despite his overwhelming addiction to his sadness was somehow captivated by the strange strength Uruha was showing him. Giving in, he obeyed him.
[A/N WOWWWW This post is mega-late. I'm sorry. ^^; To my defense, I will say that it was my sis' birthday and I spent the weekend hanging out with her. I started on the one-shot she requested too (she reads the fic and is my beta) so, my time has been considerably divided. I'll be posting that one-shot when it's finished.]